Sunderland have been last on MOTD more than anyone this season according to a recent survey. It’s understandable in a way, they’re not exactly thrill a minute are they? Still, it’s kind of annoying that they’ve been hogging the spot traditionally reserved for the Blues and it’s also a bit of a slap in the face to be considered less entertaining than Aston fucking Villa. The BBC obviously felt guilty about it as they put them on first this week, even though they were only playing Burnley. Everton’s trip to Palace was on second too, so this was definitely some kind of “let’s throw the dogs a bone” week by the MOTD producers.
My boy Danny Ings has been in the news this week after we tried to sign him. You’d think I’d be happy about that, with him being my boy and all, but honestly I’m not sure he’s good enough. I like him, he’s my kind of player, but I’ve not studied him closely enough to tell you that I’m certain he’d be good enough to offer us anything. I mean he’s no Jason Puncheon, but then who is?
Ings certainly wasn’t at his best against Sunderland and got subbed. Sean Dyche said the transfer stuff affected him but he’ll be fine once the window is shut. I think it says a lot about Ings’ character that he was adamant all along he would not leave Burnley while they were in the middle of a relegation fight. He could have kicked up a stink and got a move here, played in Europe and maybe been a part of a top four push. He wants to help Burnley stay up though, so fair play to him for that and I hope his goals are enough to help them survive, hopefully at the expense of Villa.
Losing at Sunderland isn’t going to help though. Wickham and Defoe bagged the goals to give Sunderland a much needed win that takes them four points clear of the bottom three.
Speaking of much needed wins, the Blues REALLY needed those three points at Palace. They’ve been on a horrific run and this looked like a tricky one given the form of Palace since Slimer took charge. Lukaku’s fortunate strike after two minutes was enough to edge out Pardew’s men in what looked like an absolute dog turd of a game.
Palace have got Chamakh and the new Chamakh (Sanago) leading their line at the moment. If they knock us out the cup with those two losers up front then we should be thoroughly ashamed of ourselves. No wonder they were linked with a move for big Rickie, if he went there he’d look like Gabriel Batistuta compared to those two.
The Blues signed Aaron Lennon this week. Why would anyone do that you may ask. Well it’s the derby this weekend, and Lennon usually has one game a season when he really turns it on and looks like a world beater. The rest of the time he’s shite of course, but that won’t bother Everton who have clearly just rolled the dice hoping this weekend is that one day when he forgets that he's just headless chicken who can run really, really fast. Does he still have those shitty shaved eyebrows that make it look like he’s been run over by a model train?
Wait what's this? MOTD just finished. What happened to all the other games?..... Ah right, I see what’s happened here. I watched the highlights of our game on Sunday, but I didn’t watch anything before or after that and when I’ve just fired up the planner and put on the recording, it’s started from where I left it and not from the beginning. So, Sunderland were not on first after all, and Everton were indeed in their rightful place at the end of the show. Turns out there was no throwing of bones to the dogs after all, so my bad.
Guess I better rewind this bad boy to the beginning then and see who’s on first….
Fucking Chelsea, I should have know. Booooooorrrring. Playing for a draw at home, in January. Massive shithousery again from Mourinho, who has been acting the twat again this week by cancelling the pre-match press conference because Costa was banned (anyone else would have been grateful the ban wasn’t double that. Why exactly was he not charged for the stamp on Skrtel again?). He also refused to speak to Sky, instead offering to send his assistant out there. This after laying into Jamie Redknapp last week. Sky said fuck off, good for them.
When Fat Frank came on as a sub, Chelsea fans chanted “Frankie Lampard, your cousin’s a cunt”. It’s funny actually, whether you agree with Redknapp’s opinions or not he is widely regarded as one of the nicest fellas you could ever wish to meet. I've witnessed it in person when I was at Melwood to interview Stephen Wright. I was sat in reception waiting and Redknapp was the first person to arrive. He didn’t know me from Adam but smiled, said hello and asked how I was. He then spent five minutes talking to a disabled lad in a wheelchair and you could tell he made the lad's day. I heard so many similar stories about him while he was here, he was like a real life ‘Ace Rimmer’, any time he walked out of a room people would just grin and say “What a guy!”
And here you have Chelsea, the worst group of fans in the land, with a team full of out and out twats paid for by a dodgy Russian cunt and managed by a man who might just be the worst human being on the planet (ok, not the worst but he's defo top three), calling Jamie Redknapp - JAMIE REDKNAPP!!! - a cunt? How fucking dare they, that man is a saint, A SAINT I tell you! Being called a cunt by Chelsea fans is like being called boring by Villa though, so I doubt Jamie is arsed.
Tell you what needs to happen here though. All the journalists who cover Chelsea every week and were crapped on when he cancelled his press conference should just get up and walk out of his next one. Wait for him to walk in and sit down, and then all just get up and walk out, leaving him sat there like the gobshite he is. Or better yet, ask him if he can send his assistant out instead and when he refuses, then get up and leave. Show that fucking lizard that two can play that game.
I suppose I should mention the game itself. It was 1-1 with goals from Remy and Aguero, Milner was brilliant for City and Chelsea parked the bus. Think that about covers it.
Next up, Spurs at West Brom. Eriksen’s free-kick set the Londoners on their way and Kane added a brilliant second after leaving Andre Wisdom for dead. West Brom rallied but Lloris kept them out with two world class saves and they also hit the bar before Kane killed them off with a penalty. It’s incredible how Kane has suddenly got from an average Joe to one of the best strikers in the land. Have Spurs got him on the pills they gave Gareth Bale to convert him from a shit left back to world class winger?
Elsewhere, the mancs beat Leicester 3-1 at Old Trafford, exacting some revenge for the bumming they suffered in the away fixture earlier in the season. The first goal was offside, a fact that Van Gaal even readily admitted. I couldn’t help but wonder how Ferguson would have responded to that question. No doubt he’d have just scowled and ended the interview there and then before boycotting the BBC for a few weeks to teach them a lesson. Football is a much better place without that evil old bastard. Now if we can just get Mourinho to fuck off somewhere too.
New Leicester keeper Mark Schwarzer was in his traditional Old Trafford form, doing that thing where he saves shots but pushes them straight to United players for tap ins. He used to pull that shit all the time when he was at Boro, but he’d always be brilliant when he played us. He’s someone that should barely have even registered on my radar throughout his career, yet I can’t stand the fucker and it’s solely based on him constantly throwing them in against United.
Don’t know why Leicester even bothered signing him, he was shite when he was good and now he’s just old. That lad with the massive beard was doing ok, he must be seriously pissed off at being dropped for old man river.
Much as it did with us, transfer deadline day passed with barely a ripple at United. At least we knew going into January that our owners weren’t going to spend. Remember that £120m war chest Van Gaal was meant to have in January? What happened there then, the only signing they made was some kid on loan from Bolton. Van Gaal's trolling them isn’t he? Getting dicked by MK Dons, Phil Jones taking corners, signing players on loan from Bolton and playing a formation the fans hate. Good work Louis, now if you can do something about lowering that league position that will be sound.
By the way, remember when people thought Januzaj was better than Sterling? Hahaha. He’s not even better than Ibe, the diving fuck.
Moving on, and good old Newcastle eh? They’ve only gone and given John Carver the job full time. He hadn’t even won a game but that wasn't going to stop Mike Ashley doing Mike Ashley things. He’s won one now though after hammering Hull at the KC Stadium. Are Hull in even more trouble than Villa? I dunno, until this week I hadn’t really looked at them as being in real danger, but if you get spanked at home by Newcastle then alarm bells have to be ringing.
That’s the Steve Bruce effect that is, he tends to do well for a year or so wherever he goes and then the arse completely falls out of it, he gets the sack and the process is then repeated elsewhere. They even allowed that Cabella jabroni to get his first goal. Jeez.
Sami Ameobi’s 30 yarder doubled Newcastle’s advantage. That was his 3rd career goal for the Toon, which must put him only one or two behind his big brother who was there for 22 years and averaged only a goal every five years. I haven’t checked those stats but they’re close enough I reckon. Gouffran’s deflected third was the final nail in the coffin for Hull, and sparked a mass exodus from the home crowd.
The highlight of this game though was definitely Elmohamady and his rampant cheating when he punched the ball into the net and ran off celebrating. The look of shock on his face when he realised it hadn’t counted was ace too. If you’re gonna cheat like that then you need to go the whole hog and sell it properly, but this went above and beyond the call of duty. He was even giving the ref shit about it at half as they walked down the tunnel. I’m going to have go all Ron Burgundy for a second here, because I’m not even mad, that was amazing. Shameless, brazen, unapologetic cheating of the highest order. Bravo sir, I applaud you.
Jon Walters hit a hat-trick at the weekend. No really, he did. QPR are about as useless as tits on a bull when it comes to games away from Loftus Road, but giving up a hat-trick to Walters is a new low for them. Even worse, it was a ‘perfect hat-trick’ of right foot, left foot and header. Conclusive proof that the sun does indeed even shine on a dog’s arse somedays.
Onto Sunday, and Jonjo did us a favour by hitting a glorious winner against Southampton. The Saints are in the middle of an injury crisis and that seemed to catch up with them as they were quite flat in this one. It was the only result that went our way, so thanks Shelvey lad.
I heard on the car radio that Gomis was going to be the subject of much interest on deadline day. I almost crashed the damn car. “Who the fuck would want to sign that big useless lump?” West Ham and Palace apparently, that was who. Makes sense, both of those sides love a big lump don't they.
Gomis wasn’t having any of it though, announcing on Twitter that “I have decided to stay With Swansea. I wanted to share this With you before the end of the transferts Windows. It's the best choice for me.” Clearly his ‘w’ is stuck on caps lock, but that basically just said “Palace or West Ham? Bollocks to that, Bony’s gone so I may as Well stay here.”
Finally, Aston Nilla hadn’t scored for over 8 hours going into their game at the Emirates. Arsenal’s keeper must have known he was in for an easy day and probably should have took his phone or an iPad onto the field or something to keep himself occupied. Actually that’s just reminded me of a game I played in for TLW against Sony when we were getting absolutely mullered and couldn’t get out of our own half, let alone into their penalty area. I spent most of the game chatting with their centre back, as it’s not like I had anything else to do. Well I could have helped out in defence I guess, but fuck that noise.
Anyway, we did eventually score when my mate John “pulled a Paul Konchesky” and scored with an intended cross from the left wing that sailed over the keeper into the top corner. (for the record, I claimed an assist on that one because if I hadn’t been goalhanging in the box he wouldn’t have tried to cross it and there’d have been no goal)
That was the only time we got anywhere near their goal and late in the game their goalkeeper was running his mouth a little, shouting to one of his defenders. “I’m bored, I think I might do a crossword or something”. Quick as a flash I was on him, ”Yeah? Well you've already fucked up with one across" I quipped. The two defenders who had stayed back to mark me (yeah it takes two to keep me in check, obviously my assist was playing on their mind) while everyone else piled forward looking for more goals were pissing themselves. The keeper not so much. We may have lost that game 13-1 but I was the real winner that day.
Maybe Christian Benteke should dust off the arl jokebook to salvage some self respect for himself? He could probably take it out onto the field with him too, it’s not like he’s got anything else to do. There’s just no point to Villa anymore is there? They’re just hideously shit and dull.
As for Arsenal, well… fuck Arsenal, I’ve got nothing to say about them this week.
Dave
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