Jan 1: The window opens and nobody has bought anyone. What the hell have clubs been doing for five months? They’ll all leave it until the last minute, as usual. It does my head in. I can never get my head around why deals aren’t all agreed in December all ready to go for when it opens. There are some players who everyone knows will be moving (like Sakho), but it will still end up in a big scramble on deadline day even for them. Get your act together, knobheads.
Meanwhile, regular readers will know I like Mignolet quite a lot. I'm not under any illusions that he's the second coming off Dino Zoff, but he seems like a really decent fella. This quote I saw from him today on Karius today just made me like him even more "OK, so we are not going to be like I am with my brother, or with Divock or Georginio, but it is not like I take his chicken kebab off his plate when he is not looking.” Hahaha brilliant.
Jan 2: Sunderland 2 L 2 Frustrating as hell. Two points dropped but I can’t really fault the players too much as they gave everything on less than 48 hours rest. Klopp should have rotated more as some of the lads were clearly goosed. The ref didn’t help much either, I didn’t think the first one was a penalty and although the second one was, the free-kick that led to it was soft.
That said, Lucas did dangle out a leg and made contact with Defoe so we can’t complain too much. Lucas just can’t help himself can he? He’s a fucking menace around his own box. What the hell was Mané doing with that handball though? Divvy. Imagine if that was Moreno who’d done that? No-one seems to saying fuck all because it’s Mané and he’s boss, but that was the most stupid thing I’ve seen all season.
Jan 3: Apparently Cameroon are still expecting Matip to report for the African Nations. Something weird going on here. Is he actually injured or are we just not playing him because of this ‘dispute’? He’s told them he’s not playing so how is this still a thing? Take no for an answer you needy gobshites.
Jan 4: The under 23s win 6-0 at Bangor. Wilson got a couple to take his tally for the season to 18 and Jack Dunn came off the bench and scored an eight minute hat-trick. He also won a penalty in that time too. If he could ever stay fit he’d have a decent career as he knows where the goal is. He might wanna stay out of the gym though as he looks more like a prop forward than a centre forward these days.
Jan 5: West Ham bid £3m for my boy Snodgrass. Cheeky bastards. Last week they bid £5m for Defoe. I dunno, just because they get a stadium for peanuts they think they don’t have to pay for anything anymore. Has anyone made a gag about how they probably expect the taxpayer to stump up the other £17m? What’s that, half the internet has? Ok I’ll leave it then.
Jan 6: Chirivella joins Go Ahead Eagles on loan. We’ll never see him again. Nice player, totally unsuited to how Klopp plays though and yet another foreign whizkid we signed who won’t make it here. He joined with Sergi Canos amid much fanfare but at some point you have to ask, just what’s the point? At a rough guess I’d say we’ve probably signed 50 kids from abroad in the last decade (it’s probably a lot more) and not one has made it. Is it because they were shite? In some cases maybe, but usually the lads are seen as some of the brightest prospects in their country. It’s not that they’re no good, it’s just that it’s really fucking hard to break through at a big club, and even more difficult when you’re having to do it in a strange country.
Jan 7: There’s a few clubs weighing up a move for Sakho apparently. Southampton being the latest. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, my question is this; The whole world has known since August that Sakho would be available in January, so why the hell are teams still "thinking about it"? Gobshites. When I play footy manager I have all my January deals done and dusted in September. Granted, I’m only usually signing a load of the best 17 year olds from Scandinavia or Scotland on pre-contracts, but I’d say the point still stands.
In fairness, Southampton get a pass as they’re probably just reacting to Fonte dropping a bombshell on them with that sudden transfer request, and Swansea have just changed manager so that explains their sudden interest. What excuse do the likes of West Brom, Stoke and Bournemouth have though? On the subject of Fonte, I said it three years ago and I’ll stand by it. He’s shite, and his next club will reflect that, as it won’t be Chelsea or United like some are suggesting. I hope it is like, because he’s shite, but he’ll either go abroad or join a team in the bottom half.
The only reason people started thinking he was good was because Lovren had a bad start here and suddenly the narrative became "Fonte was carrying him, he's the one really keeping that defence together". Well he's not, he's shite, and he got lucky that they brought Van Dyke in, because he is probably the best defender in the league, and unlike Fonte, he will get a move to one of the big boys.
Jan 8: L 0 Plymouth 0 That might be the most boring game I’ve ever been to. Literally nothing happened. I can’t even remember a shot on goal from either side. Terrible stuff. Plymouth will probably live to regret their rampant cowardice because this was their best chance to beat us. Their manager is giving it the big un about how great they were (“best defensive display Anfield has ever seen” apparently), but they were up against a team that had five teenagers in it. This tool is talking like he just shut out Barnes, Beardsley and Aldridge. Our kids will learn from it, as I doubt they’ve ever faced tactics like that before.
Jan 9: Eddie Howe says he’s disappointed in the lack of impact Jordon Ibe has made. That’s an understatement as he’s been fucking shite. A year or so back I really thought Ibe was on track to become a top player, but he’s gone so far backwards in 18 months you have to wonder just what the hell is going on. Is it his attitude or did he just hit his ceiling at 18? Either way, we’ve done well to get £15m for him before people realised he's jarg. Kind of feel bad that it was Nice Guy Eddie who we ripped off though. Would have preferred it to be Pardew or Fat Sam, or Moyes.
Jan 10: Lucas admits he’s thinking about leaving but it depends on the offer. I’m surprised he’s not having the Chinese throwing millions at him, as they love average Brazilians don’t they. Lucas could go there and completely reinvent himself. Quite literally in fact. Rucas Raver!! Actually I think that might be Japanese, but I'll be damned if I'm not using a gag like that on a technicality.
In other news, poor Michael Owen, it seems like nobody likes him. He made a fairly harmless, innocuous little tweet about how his "old mate Ronnie" is a right fat cunt these days (he wasn’t quite as blunt as that), and it was met with this reply from Ronaldo: "I am shocked as to how much importance my weight garners in the world we live in. I don't know why it is so important, to be honest." Because you used to be a freak of nature, built like an Olympic sprinter, and now you look like an Olympic shot-putter. People are always fascinated by that shit.
Roberto Carlos wasn’t impressed either, "I don't like these type of jokes. Ronaldo is a very good friend of mine and we have to be careful. The thing about Ronaldo is not about his body, it's his heart, he has a very big heart."
Oh get over yourselves you pair of quilts. The size of Ronaldo's heart is not in question as it’s fairly obvious he must have a huge heart to be able to keep pumping blood around that gargantuan body of his.
Staying with this topic though, the reason Owen and the original Ronaldo were re-united was because Madrid put on a little shindig for fake Ronaldo winning another Golden Boot (no matter what he does, he’ll always be in original Ronaldo’s shadow, not least because half the world’s population are, he’s like a one man Solar Eclipse). They invited all the other Golden Boot winners who'd played for them, but it pissed me off the way they promoted it, as Owen won it when he was with us, not them. Hell, he was only in Spain for one fucking year!!
Jan 11: Southampton 1 L 0. This was bad. Absolutely dreadful, but somehow we’re only 1-0 down and we’ve got a chance to turn it around at Anfield. Southampton should be a bit worried that they don’t have a bigger lead, but unless we improve tenfold on this we’ll lose anyway. The only one who can say he played well is Karius, and the only other who can even say he did ok is Lovren. Everyone else was varying degrees of Zlatan. I probably shouldn't have said that, he's nailed on to score against us this weekend now.
Jan 12: What is it they say, speak of the devil and he appears or something? It didn't take long. "I conquered England. It took three months". Mate, you're in sixth place and virtually all your goals have come against the dregs of the league. Turn it in you’re embarrassing yourself. Again, I've probably just sealed our fate there but I can't let a ridiculous statement like that go unchecked.
Jan 13: Payet tells West Ham he doesn’t want to play for them anymore. Bilic gets all high and mighty about it, saying “We are not going to sell him. I expect him to come back and show commitment and determination to the team, like the team has shown to him. Of course I feel angry. This team, the boys and the staff, gave him everything, they were always there for him. I am feeling let down and angry. It's really frustrating and I have to look after my team, who are very committed and we can't let this happen, no way, never."
This is the same Slaven Bilic who when with the Hammers as a player, pissed off manager Harry Redknapp by acting the twat to get a move to Everton. “I had to do this. We are professionals – all players know, if anyone gets the chance of a big club, he must take it.” Shoe's on the other foot now, eh Slav? Payet has done this to force a return to Marseille apparently. I had him nailed on for a move to China at some point, so that’s a surprise.
Jan 14: Must be something in the air in London, as now Costa looks like he’s trying to force a move away. Him and Conte had a big blow up in training this week and he didn’t play today at Leicester. Not that it mattered, they won 3-0, but if this is a long term fall out then it could have massive implications. It’s funny because he’s been on his best behaviour all season and looked to have turned over a new leaf. Seems he was just bottling it all up inside and it erupted to the surface in a row with his manager.
Chelsea sources reckon Conte ended the row by yelling “Go to China then” and there are reports that the Chinese are ready to pay mega money to get him. Some might wonder why he’d leave Chelsea in the middle of a title race to go and play in China, but this is a fella who ditched the nation in which he was born and raised because he got a better offer to play for Spain, so he’s not going to show Chelsea any loyalty.
Meanwhile, Pogba now has his own Twitter emoji. Am I missing something here, I thought he already had one?
Jan 15: Utd 1 L 1 I was convinced we’d lose so I’m relieved with a point, even though it sticks in the throat not to have won given how long we had the lead for. The effort and commitment was fantastic but I don’t think we played that well. We could have destroyed them on the counter if we’d been more clinical, but until Coutinho came on we were pretty useless in that department. Origi was abysmal but as soon as he was hooked for Phil we looked good and should have won it.
Lovren and Mignolet were great, Hendo played through the pain and was very good and TAA did a decent job in testing circumstances. United probably deserved a draw but they had to go full on alehouse to get it. Their equaliser was 50% on the linesman and 50% on me and my big mouth. And someone needs to snap that Herrera cunt in two, the little shithouse.
Jan 16: This Matip thing is fucking ridiculous now. FIFA don’t care and aren’t providing us any clarification so the club are in limbo. We should have just played him and then if there are any sanctions fight it in court. Unless we’re told he can’t play then just assume he can, as this is bollocks.
It’s actually a really, really simple situation unless there’s something they aren’t telling us. Matip has told Cameroon he doesn’t want to play until further notice, he hasn’t played for them in ages (15 months apparently) and was never going to play in the AFCON. They can’t force him to play against his will and who the fuck are they to tell us we can’t pick him when we pay his wages? Just play him, and if FIFA stick their oar in then see them in court, as this is such a ridiculous case it would be impossible to lose. Although it is us, so….
Jan 17: To people like me, of a certain age, Marco Van Basten is a legend. A great player and a cool bastard. We all wanted to be Van Basten on the playground and any time you lined up a volley you’d yell “VAN BASTEN!!!!” before twatting it as hard as you could (usually over the fence and into the street!). So imagine my disappointment to discover he’s actually a complete fucking tool who works for FIFA and wants to scrap the offside rule. Jesus wept. Imagine footy with no offside, it would be a complete joke, and I say that as the biggest goal hanging bastard you could ever have the misfortune of playing with. Marco Daft Bastard.
Jan 18: Plymouth 0 L 1 I thought we’d have won this easier if I’m honest. It wasn’t a particularly good performance and the senior players involved were shite, apart from Lucas who was good at the back and actually managed to score. Sturridge was shite, Origi was worse, and Coutinho was pretty underwhelming too, but this was almost like a friendly run out for him and you’d have to assume he’l be better off for having the minutes under his belt.
Plymouth’s fans were dicks though weren’t they? Singing about Steven Gerrard? Really? Fucking small time wankers. Still, that was nothing compared to them booing when the travelling Reds were singing YNWA in tribute to the young Plymouth fan who died. Fuck me that was incredible. Absolute whoppers.
Jan 19: Rivaldo is running his mouth about how Coutinho should sign for Barca. “I think that this transfer might happen because Barcelona is always going to attract the best, isn’t it? He is one of the players who stands out and I believe that this transfer – if he goes to Barcelona – would be a good thing for Barcelona for sure.” How about minding your own business, you bandy legged cunt?
Lallana has been linked with Barca too, which tells me that his agent must be angling for a new contract, as Barcelona are not coming in for Lallana, and I say that as one of his biggest fans. I’ve been writing about this game long enough to know how it all works now though. When you read a story linking player A with club B, the first question you have to ask is who has most to gain by the story being in the press, and it’s usually the agent / player. You don't normally need to ask a second question, because 99% of the time that's all there is to it.
Jan 20: The club confirm that Stevie is back and will work with all the teams below the senior side. It’s an interesting role and a perfect compromise really. Klopp was never going to just put him straight on his staff, but I thought he might get the under 23 job when Beale left. This flexible role he’s got where he works with all of the teams below the first team is ideal though, as it means he’s not thrown in at the deep end having to manage a squad, he can just work with the other coaches for now and pass on his experience to the kids. Imagine how they must be feeling now that they can pick Stevie’s brains every day.
Matip gets clearance from FIFA. Well of course he does, as this was the most ridiculous situation ever and Cameroon didn’t have a fucking leg to stand on. This is exactly why we should have had the balls to just play him. If we had, maybe we’d be two points better off. Does my head in what a pushover we are though. Meanwhile, Klopp was asked for his thoughts on Van Basten’s suggestions to improve the game, and basically said the same as me other than referring to him as Marco Daft Bastard.
And oh yeah, Jose Fonte signs for West Ham. Was it really worth kicking up a stink to leave St Mary’s when THIS is where you end up? This reeks of when Darren Bent kicked up a stink to leave Sunderland and ended up with Villa. Presumably West Ham are paying him the kind of money that Southampton don’t think he’s worth. Southampton don’t get it wrong too often, watch them go and sign someone boss to replace him in the summer.
Jan 21: L 2 Swansea 3 Unforgivable. Not just losing, but losing after coming from 2-0 down to draw level. Successful teams don’t do that, and this just tells me this lot won’t ever be successful, despite all the great things we’ve seen for much of the season. They’ve just got that choking gene in them that means they can never be relied on. I don’t know why I ever began to doubt it. Wishful thinking I guess, we’re all just so desperate to win the league that it doesn’t take much for us to start hoping. I swore after Basel I’d never trust these fuckers again, but all it took was six weeks of good form to sucker me in again and look where it’s ended up.
Jan 22: Markovic is being sent back by Sporting as he’s been shite. What a terrible bit of business he’s been. We’ll get buttons for him when he eventually leaves, and there’ll still be some internet goons complaining he was never given a proper chance. Tell you what though, if the club try to spin this as him being a good option for us to replace Mané, I’m turning up at Melwood with a baseball bat and I’m indiscriminately swinging it.
Jan 23: Klopp does his pre-Southampton presser. What I took from it was that nobody at the club has the balls to tell him that it’s not the “Capital One Cup” anymore. It’s dead funny how he keeps calling it that and I bet Capital One are buzzing at the free advertising they’re getting. The other thing I took from it was that I’m so down on them after the Swansea game that nothing Klopp said made me feel even the tiniest bit better.
Markovic has been loaned to Hull, so at least I can put the baseball bat down. For now.
Jan 24: Hey great news everyone, we’re in talks with Coutinho about a new contract! And there was me being all depressed and shit. He’ll be like a new signing, and the rallying cry when he says he signed because Klopp is a winner and the club are going places is bound to make us all forget about the rampant negligence we’ve seen in the transfer window this month.
Honestly, how fucking stupid do they think we are? Klopp was saying yesterday about how he can sense the mood of the supporters isn’t as positive as it was, and the very next fucking day this story is leaked. Modern LFC in a nutshell. Why even put this out there? It’s not even as though he’s signed it, since when was ‘being in talks’ a worthwhile story? Great news though eh? The best bit will be in the summer when Barca activate the “release clause” we weren’t told about. The club weren’t done there either, as there was more good news when James Pearce let us know that Emre Can is stalling on a new contract and might be sold. Apparently he isn’t happy with what he’s been offered as he thinks he’s worth more. Oh Emre, you’re such a card. Bet Klopp reacted something like this…
Jan 25: L 0 Southampton 1 Toothless sterile shite. Three times we’ve played Southampton, three times they’ve shut us out, and they didn’t even have Van Dijk in this one. At half time there was nothing more certain than us ending up frustrated and done on the break by Shane Long. The only surprise is it took so long.
Klopp was going on about the wind afterwards, but it wasn’t THAT windy was it? I was there, it didn’t feel windy. Not that I was on the pitch, but still. I had to walk to and from the ground and it wasn’t exactly blowing a gale out there. I didn’t think from watching it either that the wind was the reason we were doing fuck all.
That’s two chances of silverware flushed down the bog in the space of four days, and it could be three this weekend because even though Wolves are shite, would you feel confident in betting on us against anyone right now? Still, Phil’s new contract was signed, so yay!
Jan 26: The Mancs lose 2-1 at Hull but go through on aggregate. Mourinho, the wag that he is, says they are still unbeaten because he is refusing to accept one of the Hull goals because it shouldn’t have counted. Great bantz there from a man whose team has benefited from EIGHT offside goals so far this season.
He also took the piss out of Klopp by saying “Wembley will be windy so we may struggle”. Classless little cunt. You know, I have a dream. It’s of a world in the future where “the Running Man” is actually a real thing, only instead of it being run by scumbags who frame innocent people and send them to run the gauntlet for the amusement of a public who have no idea of what is going on, it’s run by stand up guys who know the score, and they send people like Mourinho, Boris Johnson and Trump in there.
I have another gameshow idea too. I'd call that one "I'm a cunt who likes to shoot animals, Get me out of Here". It's self explanatory really. Basically I'd get a load of those gobshite Americans who like to hunt lions and elephants, and a load of those posh bellends we have over here who shoot pheasants or go fox hunting, and I'd drop them in the middle of a jungle, with no weapons, and just let the lions, tigers, crocodiles and snakes eat the bastards whilst Ant & Dec make wise cracks about it.
Jan 27: Damian Comolli is running his mouth again about his time with the Reds. Apparently he wanted to sign Coutinho but was fired before he had the chance. This all smacks of how Rafa’s people would continually brief the press and certain fans about how every player who looks great for someone else was on his wanted list, and every shite one we bought was because of boardroom meddling.
Every time Comolli opens his gob it’s to big himself up about the good players he signed (or in this case didn’t sign, but wanted to) and he’ll conveniently gloss over the shit he bought. One thing he did say that jumped out though was that he was under instructions to spend on average €10m per player and they ideally had to be under 21. Looking at what we’ve done since, it appears that little has changed. Try winning the league under those restrictions and see how far you’ll get.
Guess what, Lallana is in talks over a new 150k a week contract. That must be close to doubling his current salary, surely? Still, we've got to move fast to keep him out of Barcelona's clutches....
Jan 28: L 1 Wolves 2 Three home losses in eight days. That would be bad enough if we’d been playing the top sides at home and in Europe, but we’ve lost to two absolute bums and one bang average, mid table side. Whatsmore, I don’t think we’ve have managed a win if we’d been playing three League One sides, as there’s just something fundamentally wrong about us right now.
Wolves are near the bottom of the Championship but they fully deserved to win this game and could easily have scored more, as they looked like they’d find the net every time they got in our half. We’ve morphed into a team that can’t break down a packed defence due to not having anybody who can get in behind them, and that problem has been compounded by suddenly being unable to deal with basic counter attacks.
I took my daughter to this one, it was her first ever game. I should be charged with child cruelty after that really. She should probably get out while she can, as this footy lark just brings far more misery than joy. And even the joy is tempered now by the knowledge that any success only serves to set up for an even greater fall. Think Dortmund last year and then Sevilla.
Still, Joe Gomez has signed a new deal, so it’s all good. Who knows, we might even get Lallana and Lovren tied down before the “January New Contract Window” slams shut in a few days.
Jan 29: West Ham are such a generous club aren’t they? You’d never know they were run by horrible snide Tory cunts as they’re all about the fans these days. Their latest initiative is offering a shirt for £25 to anyone who bought a Payet shirt and wants to return it. Fantastic gesture that. Unless of course they’re changing their home kit for next season, because then it wouldn’t be a fantastic gesture at all, would it? It would just be selling off unwanted stock for £25 to fans who had already paid £60 for the privilege.
What do you reckon it would have cost them to just give the shirts away for free? Around half what they were paying Payet per week I suspect. Modern football is run by cunts and infested by cunts. I wouldn’t put it past the fuckers if they had a way of removing the name and number and then stuck them back on the shelves too.
I miss the the first three months of the season when we were boss and West Ham looked like they were going down. Halcyon days.
Jan 30: As of yesterday, Mané still isn’t back as we’ve had some issues getting the plane out of Gabon or something. Could be worse, we could be based in America and we’d never see the little fella again as he wouldn’t be allowed back in.
Jan 31: L 1 Chelsea 1 Not entirely sure what to feel about this one. I didn’t think we played particularly well but at least they didn’t fold when they went behind and they managed to come back and get something. Mignolet was asleep on the first goal but made up for it with a penalty save. We could have won it if Firmino had taken his chances but the draw was about right. We needed to avoid defeat and we did it, so hopefully we can put this wretched month behind us now and kick on.
Finally, Sakho completed his move to Palace at the last minute (just as I predicted) but it's only a loan deal. We got a couple of mil for him and won't have to pay his wages, so financially it's good business. There was a time when I'd be happy about that because it's good for the club to be saving money, but that time has long gone. Why should we even care, we don't get any benefit from it, either in ticket prices or new signings. Three windows in a row with a profit now. Where is that money going? Probably on new contracts for players who still have three years left on their current deals.
Until next time then...
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