I feel partly responsible for what happened to us at Bournemouth because of how much I was ripping Man City’s comical defending on Twitter after their shambolic second half display against Chelsea. “All season people have been going on about our defence, but we look like Capello’s Milan compared to City. Abysmal.”
As far as tweets go, that’s one I’d like back as it wasn’t long before our lads were ramming those words back down my throat and making me look like a right walloper. I realise I'm sat in a greenhouse lobbing bricks here, but City’s defence and keeper are a joke. It’s also fair to point the finger at Flat Track Pep and his bizarre tactical set up too.
That being said, in the rush to crown Chelsea as Champions elect people seem to be forgetting that City were well on top for most of this game and had De Bruyne not fluffed his lines from two yards out they’d probably have won the game and we’d all be signing a different tune.
How events unfolded after De Bruyne’s shocker changes the way we view the entire game, but City were well in control prior to that. That sitter was the turning point and City’s inability to defend any kind of counter attack was embarrassing.
In terms of price tag and reputation compared to production on the field, John Stones might be the most over-rated player of all time. Bang average. Otamendi isn’t even that, he’s just shite, the hipster looking fraud. And last but not least you’ve got Kolorov, a defensively suspect, snail paced full back who is decent going forward because he can spray passes around and can cross and shoot. Naturally, Guardiola plays him as one of his back three, because he’s Pep the Innovator, the football genius who sees things no-one else sees. You’re not in Kansas now, Dorothy.
I’ve said it all season, put them up against a coach who knows what he’s doing and City are going to have problems. They’ve got so much talent in the team it will still be enough to win plenty of games, especially when they’re beating up on the shite (they do this as well as anyone), so they’re a threat for the title, but there’s nothing scary about City, unless you’re a mop headed Brazilian who happens to be in the path of Sergio Aguero, but I’ll get to that.
As for Chelsea, it’s too early to be sure but you’ve got to be worried that they might actually be the real deal. I still feel / hope that eventually teams will figure out the three at the back and start to get at them a bit more, but they’ve been solid defensively and with Costa and Hazard in the team they’ll be a threat to anyone. Take one or both of them out and that changes everything, but that probably won’t happen as Chelsea never get injuries even though they send out virtually the same eleven players every fucking week and have done ever since Abramovich showed up.
I always imagine their training ground to resemble Ivan Drago’s set up in Rocky 4, with their players getting all sorts pumped into them. There’s defo something iffy going on as all the other top clubs lose players on a weekly basis. Why not them? Dodgy bastards.
They had plenty of luck against City, as Sideshow Bob should have been sent off in the first half for cynically - and blatantly - taking out Aguero. Anthony Taylor saw it but and gave nothing. Gundogen was then upended by Kante in the box and again Taylor waved it away. He then sent off two City players in stoppage time, but as I said, I’ll get to that in a sec. Fair to say we know what half of Manchester Taylor comes from, the fucking slaphead.
Cahill put through his own net to give City a well deserved lead and De Bruyne missed a good chance at the start of the second half. Cahill made another cock up but redeemed himself with a goal-line clearance. Chelsea hadn’t offered anything at this point but City couldn’t put them away and paid the price, as De Bruyne’s appalling miss was quickly followed by a great equaliser by Costa, who it has to be said was fucking brilliant on the day.
Costa then created the second for Willian, although Otamendi is just as deserving of the assist for his schoolboy like attempt at defending on halfway, getting the wrong side of Costa and allowing him to turn and play the through ball. The whole thing came from a City attack too. So, so amateurish. Kolorov had a few yards on Willian but looked like a slow motion replay as the Brazilian pulled away from him.
I almost tweeted a smart arse comment about how Pep might want to ask Klopp what he means by “protecting our offensive movements” because City have no clue on how to do it. Thankfully I refrained from that one, as it wasn't long until we were getting ruined in the exact same fashion, only it wasn’t Costa and Willian doing it to us, it was fucking Benik Afobe and some random Scottish slapdick having his little moment in the sun at our expense.
Claudio Bravo’s ’attempts’ at stopping Chelsea’s first two goals were embarrassing. It looked like he was an outfield player who’d been asked to play between the sticks. Actually that’s not too far from the truth is it? Joe Hart must be laughing his cock off over in Italy.
Hazard then ran clear in stoppage time to make it 3-1 as Kolorov was once again blowing for tugs and just let him run through unopposed. He moves like a glacier. A big stupid tattooed glacier.
The best thing about this game though was how it ended; in utter fucking bedlam. Aguero’s scandalous lunge on Luiz in stoppage time was great, I loved it. The last time I saw something like that was in a game I played in as a kid in school. The main difference being that Aguero’s fit of pique was on an opponent and not his own team-mate.
I’ll explain. So it was a trial match to see who would get into the school team, but the fella who organised the game wasn’t a teacher, he was the Dad of one of the kids in our year. Now this kid was decent at footy but he was a big headed bastard and truth be told, I couldn’t stand him. There were at least four or five lads who were much better, including my mate Si, who is the hero (some would say villain, but not me) of this particular story, which I may have told before but I’ll tell again because I can’t be arsed trailing through all of the round ups from the last five years to find it, and besides, it’s a great story.
While I couldn’t stand this kid, I liked his Dad even less, as he was a proper flash arrogant bastard who acted like his lad was the next George Best. So anyway, this jabroni picks the two teams but instead of doing it fairly to ensure an even game, he put almost all the best players on one team. His lad’s team, obviously. Both me and Si were good enough to be on that team, but neither of us liked his kid and the feeling was mutual. No way was he picking either of us.
So he’s surrounded by his best mates and most of the good players, while we got stuck with a talentless motley crew of fat kids, asthmatics and the nerds who just hated footy. Me and Si were so fired up that we played out of our skins and the game was more competitive than it should have been. The problem was this one particular bum we’d been saddled with. Three times either me or Si put chances on a plate for him only for him to De Bruyne the shit out of them and miss open goals.
The kid couldn’t help being crap and if he’d had a bit of humility about him and just accepted that he was shite it would have been fine, but he didn’t. He was a smug, snivelling little rat who nobody liked. The kind of kid who’d wind people up deliberately and then run to the teacher when they went after him. You know the sort, in Premier League terms he’d be Cesc Fabregas. He kept laughing every time he missed a sitter too, the prick.
So anyway, we got a pen and Si went and picked the ball up and put it on the spot, only for “Soccer Dad” to intervene. “No no no, let him take it” he says, and gestures towards the dope who’d been missing all the chances. Needless to say, he put it wide, and then laughed. It was all too much for Si who just charged over and fucking launched at him, Aguero style. He got sent off but no doubt he felt like it was worth it. Aguero probably feels the same, as it’s not the first time he’s done that to Luiz.
Anyway, enough strolling down memory lane. It wasn’t just Aguero who saw red, as Fernandinho followed after some world class shithousing from Fabregas, who slapped the City player in the face when no-one was looking, and then repeatedly turned the other cheek when they were, before eventually he hurled himself over an advertising hoarding, making it look like Fernandinho had pushed him over it.
Usually a Chelsea player acting the twat sends me into a rage, but after this I was like….
Arsenal leapfrogged us into second spot after wiping the floor with sorry West Ham. West Ham weren’t bad in the first half but once they went a couple of goals down they folded like a cheap suit and lost 5-1. The only thing I like about West Ham is Bilic, so hopefully they’ll sack him soon as I take no joy in his suffering, but plenty in West Ham’s. There’s talk this week that he’s being pressured into hiring Rio Ferdinand as a defensive coach. Bilic was a fucking centre back himself, what would that say about him if he did that?
Come on West Ham, make this even fun and give to ‘Arry and let him bring Rio in as defensive coach and get Joe Cole in there in some capacity too. I dunno, let him lick the windows or something.
That move to the new stadium is killing them as they’ve no longer got any kind of home advantage, it’s like they’re playing on a neutral ground. Good, that’s what you get, you freeloading Tory cunts. One place above relegation now.
Sanchez was ridiculous though. What a player. He’s too good for Arsenal so hopefully Madrid will decide they want him at the end of this season and he’ll fuck off.
Spurs also hit five on Saturday, at home to struggling Swansea. They took the lead from the spot after an outrageous dive from Alli. He’s a bellend him, a cheating one at that. Son fired in a great second and Swansea fell apart. Kane added number three and Eriksen bagged a couple. Swansea didn’t even have a shot. Pitiful.
From North London to South now, and Pardew was reportedly a defeat away from the sack this weekend, only to escape the guillotine with a home win over Southampton. Fraser Forster’s howler allowed Benteke to tap in the opener and Tomkins added a second almost immediately from a corner. My boy Puncheon made it safe by putting the third on a plate for Benteke.
Pards is still on dodgy ground though, he thanked his chairman Steve Parrish afterwards for defending him to the club’s investors, who Pardew said “don’t know much about football”. No doubt that’s true, but it’s hardly going to make him any more popular with them is it? I don’t want him sacked though, as say what you will about him but the league is more entertaining with his smug, self satisfied arse in it.
Moving swiftly on, and I’ve downplayed Leicester’s inconsistent start to the season but the piss poor showing they put in at Sunderland is making me think maybe their problems are more serious than I thought. They got spanked by Porto in the CL in midweek too, but that was with a makeshift team and they’d already qualified for the knock out stages. Even so, losing can become a habit.
Huth’s unfortunate own goal put them behind at the Stadium of Light before Defoe added a second with a crisp finish. Japanese Dirk pulled one back but in truth Leicester deserved nothing from the game and nothing is what they got.
With no Europe for a few months they’ve got no excuses now and should start to improve and climb the table. I’m no longer certain they will though, as it looks like they’ve got fat and lazy. It doesn’t help that Vardy has reverted back to his former self after that one incredible year. He’s gone from Fernando Torres to Stuart Barlow. It’s just a pity he didn’t go to Arsenal as his struggles would be so much more enjoyable if they were being played out weekly on Arsenal Fan TV.
You won’t be surprised to hear that West Brom scored twice from set-pieces to go 2-0 up against Watford. In other news, the sky is blue and water is wet. Alehouse pricks. Watford pulled one back from a set-piece of their own, as some fella called Kabasele bundled in from close range. I have no idea who he is.
It’s December now yet clubs are still wheeling out players I’ve never seen before. Watford had four players in their starting eleven I’d never heard of until this weekend, and they weren’t Academy kids either. Their squad must be bigger than Troy Deeney’s arse.
With Watford chasing an equaliser, Pereyra was sent off for nothing. James McLean twatted the ball at him as he lay on the floor and then stood over him giving it the big un. The Uruguayan seemed to innocuously flick out a boot and then stood up and shoved him away, and to get a red card for that was an absolute joke, especially as McLean only got a yellow.
Watford had to chase the game with ten men and Phillips caught them on the counter four minutes into added time to make it 3-1. The post match interview with Pulis was like some sort of elaborate piss take. “Watford are physical and play to their strengths, but there’s nothing wrong with that and our lads had to stand up for themselves and cope with a lot of balls in the box.” He’s just nicked the standard post match quote from every manager who has ever played against him there hasn’t he, the twat.
Pulis also said of McLean that “trouble seems to follow him around”. Just hazarding a guess here, but could it be because he’s thick as fuck and has a short fuse?
Stoke beat Burnley 2-0 with goals from Walters and Muniesa, but the real story here was that Wee Joe was left on the bench by Mark Hughes. I’d sack the cunt for that. “Useless” by name and by nature.
Speaking of useless, Everton are fucking dire at the moment aren’t they? They got a point at home to the Mancs but they were garbage and if Mourinho wasn’t such an inherently spineless shithouse they’d have had no chance of getting back into it.
Zlatan continued his habit of beating up on the shit teams by taking advantage of a rush of blood from Stekelenberg to open the scoring, and they had several chances to extend that lead but didn’t take any and gradually just retreated into their shell to protect the 1-0.
Mourinho sent on Fellaini for the closing stages and within two minutes the big dope had conceded a penalty that allowed Baines to equalise.
Is there a worse defender in the league than Rojo? He’s garbage and he’s a bad shithouse too. That two footed lunge on Gueye was horrible, and Michael
Oliver saw it perfectly but only gave him a yellow. Why was that? I’ll tell you why, because he didn’t want the aggravation of upsetting Mourinho. He also did nothing about Ibrahimovic kicking Coleman in the head as they lay on the floor.
Maybe someone will remind Mourinho of this next time he starts crying about refs having it in for him, but I won’t hold my breath. Ol’ Jose two times was at it again afterward though. “Thoughts on the penalty?” “No thoughts. No thoughts.” Helmet.
I was talking to a Blue this week and he mentioned the upcoming derby. “I’ve been dreading it given the way we’re playing, but now Bolasie looks like he’s got a bad injury….. so I like our chances a lot more now as we might start playing football again”. He caught me off guard with that, initially I thought he was getting his excuses in early but he then just laid into Bolasie for a few minutes and said he’s been killing their attacking play.
It’s funny really because for ages I wasn’t having Bolasie at all. No matter how many good things he did I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was actually shit. Eventually he changed my mind and won me over, but apparently I was right all along and he is just a headless chicken after all. What’s even better is that by signing him they financed Palace’s move for Benteke. £30m well spent there by Red Ronald.
Monday night saw Boro beat Hull 1-0. Yeah I got nothin’ on that one, even if I’d watched it I’d probably be struggling for something to say about these two irrelevant, dull bastards.
Finally, note to the BBC: Get rid of Chris Sutton as he’s clueless, arrogant and irritating as fuck. Reuniting him and Shearer probably seemed like a good idea, but this wasn’t the title winning “SAS”, it was the second season “Shite and Shearer” partnership.
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