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Report by Dave Usher at Anfield I’m not a big believer in ‘what goes around comes around’ because there are just too many despicable individuals riding high in life. Every now and then though karma does come into play, and for Evertonians to be crying about a ‘soft penalty’ and narrow defeat just a couple of weeks after the daylight robbery they pulled at the same end of Anfield a few weeks ago, well it’s pretty damn satisfying. The penalty was soft, no question about it. Outside the box you’d maybe expect to get a free-kick for that more often than not, but inside you’re going to get that maybe one or two times out of ten, three at a push (or in this case a pull!). But soft as it was, it was every bit as much a penalty as the one that handed them a scabby draw which they celebrated as though they’d just won a treble. More so in fact, as unlike Calvert-Lewin, Lallana didn't initiate the contact, he just exaggerated it. Of course the Blues were adamant that it was a foul on Calvert-Lewin, and suddenly everyone seemed to be trotting out this bizarre mantra of “well if you put your hands on a striker you’re giving the referee a decision to make”. It wasn't just Evertonians, it was Sam Allardyce and the vast majority of journalists and pundits who covered the game too. That was the thing that bothered me more than anything. It bothers me even more now when some of those same pundits and journalists are describing the Lallana penalty as ’soft’ and suggesting it’s not a foul. Look, I know there’s always a bias towards the little guy and everyone wants to see the giant toppled, but the hypocrisy in the reaction to these two incidents was astounding, not least from Fat Sam. Let’s revisit what he said about the Lovren / Calvert-Lewin incident: “Don’t put your hands on a forward in the box. Don’t mess with him, don’t push him, don’t touch him. If you do, you run the risk of giving a penalty away”. His view on this one? “I think the referee made a mistake”. Life comes at you fast sometimes, eh? At least Klopp is consistent when he says he didn’t think either of them were penalties. He was incredulous at the reactions in his press conference a few weeks ago so it must have been pretty sweet for him to go in there this time and basically take the piss by saying “Hey, it must be a penalty because you all told me you can't put your hands on a striker in the box”. In real time I thought it was a penalty but I also thought Mané should have buried the loose ball and because the ball had fell to him I was worried the ref would have ignored the penalty because he’d played the advantage. Thankfully he pointed to the spot anyway. We've missed a few recently and don’t really have a recognised penalty taker at the moment, but of those who were on the pitch, Milner was probably the one most of us would have wanted to see step up. He didn’t disappoint as he kept his nerve in front of the 8,000 rabid blues in the Anny Road to send Pickford the wrong way. There hadn’t been much in the way of goalmouth action prior to that and at no point did I ever feel like we might run away with it. Whatever we got was going to be hard fought so that penalty was huge, particularly as it was something of a gift. There is never any shortage of talking points following a derby. Even the shit ones usually have something mad in them, often involving a red card or the non awarding of one. When I saw who was refereeing this game I knew there’d be controversy because he’s the worst ref in the league and this game was far too big for him. Everton will complain about the penalty but they’re conveniently overlooking the leniency shown towards some of their players. Wayne Rooney for example, whose head had clearly gone right from the start of this game. The other week he was in control and never once looked like getting in trouble. This time he was spoiling for aggro right from the off. He fouled Matip so long after the ball had gone that I didn’t even see it and it was only the roar of the crowd that drew my attention to it. That could easily have been a yellow card as it was needless and reeked of trying to set an example to his team-mates to get stuck into us. Madley should have stepped in and warned him then, but he did nothing and within no time Rooney flew in with a reckless late challenge on Gomez, which earned him the yellow card he’d clearly been looking for. You’d think that might calm him down, but no. He spent the rest of the half yelling at the ref over every decision that went against them and in the end had to be taken off before he was sent off. Early in the second half he dragged big Emre down on the touchline, after the midfielder had mugged him and then shrugged him aside. While the referee was right not to book him for that as it was just a free-kick and nothing more, he was probably one more foul away from getting his walking papers and Allardyce did the sensible thing and hooked him soon after. As hyped up as Rooney was though, he looked like a picture of calm and assurance in comparison to Mason Holgate. That lad’s head went completely after he gave the penalty away and not long after he was involved in one of the most unsavoury incidents I’ve seen in a long while. It started when Lallana pressed and forced a mistake from Pickford. Holgate collected the ball but Firmino had followed Lallana’s lead and we were hunting the ball like a pack of hungry dogs. Bobby dispossessed him and was shepherding the ball out for a throw in when he was first nudged, and then shoved, in the back by the defender, sending him hurtling into the front row of the Main Stand. Not enough was made of it at the time, either by the ref or by the TV analysts. That’s as dangerous and cowardly an act as you’ll see this weekend and had it not been a young English player who was the perpetrator I’m sure much more would have been made of it. Honestly, I thought it was fucking dreadful, and it gets worse with every replay I watch. For me it’s worse than a bad tackle because the ball wasn't in play and the intent to injure was there. He knew what he was doing and how dangerous it was, but he was pissed off and not in control of his emotions after conceding a pen and then being embarrassed by Firmino. Bobby could easily have been seriously injured by it, as could any of the fans he went crashing into. That should have been a straight card for Holgate, but Madley froze and Firmino understandably went looking for retribution. What happened next has somehow allowed Everton and Holgate to turn the situation around completely so that no-one is talking about his cowardly act, and instead the narrative is about whether Firmino racially abused Holgate in the aftermath. Yes, we’re back here again folks. Comparisons will be made with the Suarez / Evra incident but this was completely different because Firmino had a camera on him the entire time and the referee was right on the spot. In fact, the referee was holding him back and was stood directly between the two players. This isn’t one man’s word against another, there were a shitload of witnesses plus ample video evidence. Firmino said something in Portuguese (which numerous lip readers have translated as “Are you crazy? You son of a bitch / mother fucker”). Holgate then goes mad and accuses Firmino of using the deplorable N word. We’ll wait and see how this comes out in the wash, but if he said what Holgate accused him of then the referee would definitely have heard it, as would several players who were in the immediate vicinity. None of them reacted, and the cameras failed to pick anything up either. Are we seriously expected to believe that Firmino used THAT word while surrounded by players from both teams and with the referee so close that he was actually holding him back from an opponent, and that nobody reacts to it? I’m not going to speculate on Holgate’s motives, but one thing we can say for certain is that because of his accusation nobody seems to be talking about the complete shithouse move he pulled in shoving a defenceless player into the crowd, or the fact he then manhandled the referee afterwards. Regardless of what comes from the FA investigation regarding the comments, Holgate should be banned for that shove as it was an appalling thing to do and it was deliberate. He won’t be banned though. Instead, Firmino’s name will be dragged through the mud, regardless of whether he is cleared of any wrongdoing or not. Firmino did well to keep his cool after that for the rest of the game, as did Holgate if he genuinely believed he had been called what he claimed he had been called. The game had been threatening to boil over at that point but the second half was generally played in a decent enough spirit, other than the continued attempts of the permanently angry James McCarthy to kick anything he could catch, which fortunately for our lads wasn’t much as he’s a fucking yard dog who was a yard off the pace all night. One dirty horrible bastard that. We were in complete control of the game but needed the second goal to make it safe. Lallana had a chance following a lung busting run through the middle, but he expended that much energy to get there he had nothing left to produce a finish and he scuffed it wide. Big Virgil headed our best chance straight at the keeper. He should have scored but it was encouraging to finally have a legitimate threat, as Lovren and Matip have usually got heads like a fucking 50 pence piece (Lovren’s brilliant header at Burnley prompted me to put ‘usually’ in that sentence!). Everton had posed no real threat but that means nothing as we had discovered to our cost the other week. In fairness, we weren’t creating anything clear cut either and it was all very laboured, but we did look the more likely scorers before we got caught cold. Their equaliser came out of nowhere from one of our corners. You don’t see that very often, it’s usually us doing that to other teams and it’s not nice being on the receiving end, especially when the counter attack was led by fucking Phil Jagielka!! They worked it well to be fair. Bolasie got the better of Lallana on the edge of their box (Lallana was goosed at that point and subbed soon after) and found Lookman, who was in far too much space on the left touchline. He picked out the run of Jagielka and although it looked like the move had stalled as we got numbers back to hold him up, when he laid it back to Sigurdsson the midfielder nonchalantly rolled it into the corner. Karius didn’t even move. I wouldn’t expect him to save it but to not move at all suggests he maybe got caught flat footed? Not a mistake as such, and I’m not blaming him for the goal by any means, but it’s never a great look when a keeper stands and watches the ball go in. Suddenly the outcome of the game was up into the air and the away end had renewed hope. I went from being ultra confident about going through to somewhat fearful that we would go out. They didn’t create much but there were a couple of dangerous crosses that they almost got on the end of and it was a bit hairy. Everton were miles better in this game than they had been a few weeks ago but they were still shit, which shows just how appalling they’d been in that league game. Imagine having to watch that every week. Imagine having to play like that every week. No wonder they’re such angry bastards. We were pressing hard for a winner and had a few half chances, but generally it just wasn’t clicking for us. We weren’t getting enough from the two wide men and the midfield was lacking the invention of our former Magician who was on strike for the second time in six months. He’s gone now. Fuck him. This game looked to be headed towards a replay as Everton were showing little interest in going for it and Pickford was still taking an age over goal-kicks and then just mostly booting for touch. All that changed when we scored, of course, and it was particularly amusing when the Kop wouldn't return the ball. Taste of their own medicine that. Those fuckers were holding onto the ball just TWO MINUTES into the league derby. I felt throughout the second half that a set-piece was our best chance of scoring. It’s a long time since we’ve been able to say that, but that’s the Van Dijk effect. I brought my daughter to this game (only her second ever game, the first was Wolves last year!) and I said to her after Everton equalised that Van Dijk would head the winner from a corner. After all the celebrations had died down, she looked at me in wonder and asked “How did you know?”. I just tapped my nose. Little does she know I make these kind of statements and predictions in every game and they virtually never come off. In fact, usually it's the opposite that happens as I'm a bad jinxing bastard for the most part. I had felt good about this one though, as every time he strode forward for a set play he just looked so big and purposeful, it just felt like he was destined to score. As it turns out the goal was fairly simple because Pickford came for it and got nowhere near it. Matip initially looked like he’d get there but he was shoved in the back by Holgate (would have been interesting to see if Madley would have awarded a pen for that) and Van Dijk came in behind him to head home. It was fairytale stuff really. The world’s most expensive defender, making his debut for his new club in a local derby and scoring a late winner in front of the Kop. It was perfect really. That should have been the only thing anyone was talking about afterwards, but instead we got all this Holgate / Firmino stuff. Van Dijk is boss though. Having a centre back who can get us five or six ‘cheap’ goals a season should be a big help, especially in those close games when it might not happening up front and we need a scrappy set-piece. Games like this actually. This was a perfect example. Sometimes you won’t win it through finesse and skill, you need to force the result through brute force. We did it at Burnley through Lovren and Klavan, and this time big Virgil came through for us. Regular readers will know that I’ve always frowned upon players having their christian name on their shirt, and some had asked how I’d feel about our new number four having ‘Virgil’ on his shirt. After this, I don’t give a fuck if he comes out to face Man City next week with “Usher Stinks” on the back of his shirt. He can do whatever he likes now as far as I'm concerned. The £75m has already been paid off after this (just as Andy Carroll paid off his fee with a winner against them at Wembley) so whatever we get out of him now is a bonus. He’s not even fit yet and will only get better, but already he looks like everything we hoped we would be. He’s like the big kid in the playground who everyone else is in awe of as he just strides past people while they bounce of him. He’s cool as fuck and all of our other defenders will look better when they play next to him. Despite the criticism they get, our centre backs are all good players - Klopp wouldn’t have indulged them this long if they weren’t - but there’s been no alpha dog back there until now. They’ll all look better when they play next to big Virgil. There are two other players I want to single out though. First, Andy Robertson, who was fucking brilliant in this game and had Bolasie in his pocket. We know what Bolasie is capable of and how quick he is, but Robbo kept pace with him without any problems and just wouldn’t be beaten. He then skinned him going the other way and forced a save from Pickford. I really, really like this lad. I like the quiet way he just goes about his business and he’s such a neat and tidy footballer. The other player I want to mention is Big Sexy. It looks like he’s probably off in the summer but that isn’t preventing him from giving everything he has whenever he’s out there. In this hectic period we’ve had, he’s played every minute of every game. He’s the only one to do that. He’s been good too. Not great, but good, and I don’t think he’s getting the credit he deserves for what he’s doing. Someone in the Main Stand gave him shit after he dribbled a ball out of play and for a moment Emre lost his cool and exchanged angry words. I felt bad for him when I saw that, as it's probably related to his contract situation and while I can understand people not being happy about that, the lad has not once let it affect his performances or let his commitment waver. If and when he leaves, he can hold his head high. Unlike the other selfish little bastard who has left us in the lurch mid-season, but I’ll worry about that in a few days as I’m not letting it take the shine off Big Virgil sinking the Blues on his debut. He's the star man because he delivered despite the pressure on him, but Robertson was probably our best player. Team: Karius; Gomez (Alexander-Arnold), Matip, Van Dijk, Robertson; Can, Lallana (Wijnaldum), Milner (Solanke); Oxlade-Chamberlain, Firmino, Mané:

Up until the Arsenal / Chelsea game on Wednesday night, the lack of quality in the games over Christmas had been glaring. That game was the exception but then both of those teams were playing on a bit more rest than those of us who had to play on New Years day, just 48 hours after also playing on Saturday. Most of the games the week were truly terrible, especially our one at Burnley, but then most of Burnley’s games are like that even when they’ve had a week to prepare. I’m not advocating a winter break but we could probably do without one of the fixtures played in this period, or at least spread them out a little bit as two games in three days is clearly too much. The same thing happened last year when we followed up a stunning performance against City by serving up a shit sandwich at the worst team in the league two days later. The biggest shit sandwich over the festive period was definitely served up by Stoke at Stamford Bridge though, as Mark Hughes fielded a second string side and saw them thumped 5-0. His intentions were clear when he started Berahino, who hasn’t scored in about three years. Remember when he was hot property? He’s had a spectacular fall from grace, probably as spectacular as any I can remember. Oh wait, Franny Jeffers. In fairness to Hughes, some of the changes were enforced and as he pointed out to anyone who would listen, loads of other managers made six or seven changes too. He figured that they’d probably lose at Chelsea no matter what, so he opted to keep his best players fresh for their home game with Newcastle two days later. That’s fine if you win the second game, but they didn’t and ol’ Sparky has had his tin hat on ever since. Some would say that Hughes picking that team was not showing due respect to the teams competing for the top four with Chelsea, but I’ve got no problem with that at all as Stoke are shite and the only difference it made was they lost 5-0 instead of 2-0. He was perfectly entitled to do what he did because his only concern should be what’s best for Stoke as he doesn’t owe the rest of the league anything. Anyone who disagrees is obviously Neil Warnock. Stoke were 2-0 down inside nine minutes as a Rudiger header and a beauty from Drinkwater put the Londoners in command. Pedro added a third after showing quick feet to make space for a shot that went right in the corner. Diouf had a goal wrongly disallowed and then Chelsea were awarded a dubious penalty to make it 4-0. Neither made any difference but Kevin Friend was clearly just making sure. He loves Chelsea that cunt. Zapacosta added a fifth in the last minute. Can I just say at this point that this suggestion we should sign Jack Butland needs sacking right off? He’s ok, but no better than what we have. He’s nestled in the range between Forster and Pickford. Elsewhere, Brighton and Newcastle played out a goalless draw, but Swansea pulled off a surprise win at free falling Watford. I hate Swansea’s new manager already. I don’t like his smug looking, Robert DeNiro in ‘Analyse This’ face, but mostly it’s because of his association with that Mendes parasite. I’d still prefer they got out out of the bottom three though because at least they play football, so I’m happy they won this one. You know I said in the last round up how every week Watford send out some random fucker we’ve never seen before? Yeah they did it again. Some Peruvian lad this time. He scored too, to put them 1-0 up. They thought they’d added a second through some other fucker I’d never seen before, but that was disallowed for a phantom foul. It was one of those classic ‘make up calls’, because seconds earlier the ref awarded a corner when there had been a clear foul by Okaka. Atkinson knew he’d blown that one so as soon as the corner was taken he blew his whistle. They say two wrongs don’t make a right, but in this case it did and you know what, I’d much rather a ref do this than be a stubborn fuck and not admit he was wrong. Andre Gray missed a great chance late on, and Swansea equalised almost immediately when ‘Hot Shot Hamish’ headed down for Ayew to score from close range. I laugh every time I look at that McBurnie kid, as you’d swear he’s only out there because he won some sort of fan contest. Even when he went to join in the celebrations he just fell over flat on his face, bless him. Let's face it, he’s got future “my boy” written all over him. Watford were devastated by that goal and the loss of two points. So much so that they allowed their heads to go completely and Narsingh scored a dramatic and hilarious winner in stoppage time. Speaking of dramatic, hilarious late winners, how about Everton eh? How funny was that. Ryan Fraser - remember him? - had already scored once to put Bournemouth ahead, but Everton equalised through Gueye who had latched onto a surprisingly brilliant lay off by Niasse. Both sides had chances to win but then with seconds to go, Fraser cut inside and saw his shot take a wicked deflection and fly past Pickford. This time last year Fraser was the toast of Goodison after what he did against us, so there was something poetic about this. I was on my way home from Anfield and had the Radio Merseyside phone in on the radio. The Blues weren’t happy at all and Fat Sam is already pissing them off. It was dead funny, not least one call that went like this: Caller: “Hello? Crap that was!” Host: “Ok, we understand emotions are running high but can you just mind your language for us?” Caller: “Fucking disgrace!” I could barely breathe, it was fucking hilarious. Tell you something else, Michael Keane has a really dopey, old fashioned face. If he wasn’t a professional footballer he could definitely be a dopey looking Shelby cousin in Peaky Blinders. Meanwhile, Eddie Howe had his say on us signing Van Dijk, claiming we paid too much money for him. Not saying he’s wrong, but if I’d spent £50m on Nathan Ake, Jordon Ibe and Brad Smith I’d probably be keeping a low profile on any ‘value for money’ discussions. Just sayin’ like. Another manager concerned by our spending saw his team held at home by Southampton. “Who will Mourinho blame for this?” was the question on everyone’s lips as full time approached. We didn’t have to wait long, his post match interview was a classic. He’d clearly decided he was blaming the ref and he wasn’t going to wait to be asked about the specific decision that had angered him. No, he’d shoehorn it in regardless of what the first question was about: Interviewer: “Jose, you must be disappointed about that result” Mourinho: “Yes, but Craig (Pawson) should be disappointed too” It was the same on the BBC: Interviewer: “Jose, that must have been a frustrating 90 minutes for you?” Mourinho: “Yes, especially ze minute when ze referee did not give ze penalty” Fair play, that’s some impressive shoehorning, but as ever he’s showing selective judgement. Yes, they could have had a penalty (although it could have gone either way) but he failed to mention Ashley Young getting away with elbowing Tadic in the ribs and then forearm smashing Long in the jaw within the space of two seconds. Young was banned for three games following the use of video evidence, so rather than complain about the 50-50 call he didn’t get, the whiny little cunt should be grateful that neither referee or linesman spotted the shithousery of his little pet, Ashley. Can’t decide who reeks of Mourinho more; Young, or that rat Herrera. Some United fans booed Mourinho as he walked off the field. It’s starting to turn on him a year earlier than usual. Amusingly though, he gave his board the dreaded vote of confidence by describing reports that he would be sacked as ‘garbage’. His arrogance is matched only by his cuntery. Burnley and Huddersfield ended 0-0, which will have surprised nobody. Burnley should have had a penalty though when Hendricks was caught by the keeper. The ref, one of those work experience clowns I’ve referenced before (Paul Tierney, apparently) clearly kept saying “no contact” yet he didn’t yellow card Hendricks. Sean Dyche was fuming, probably more so at the inference that one of his players dived than the fact he didn’t get a penalty. “Diving?? DIVING??? We don’t have none of that foreign nonsense here at Brexit… I mean Burnley.” Good result for Huddersfield though as its another point towards safety. Doesn’t really make much difference to Burnley as they’re not getting in the top six and they’ve got a bit of a cushion between them and 8th spot. Gini’s half brother, Van La Parra, was involved in everything Huddersfield did. You couldn’t fail to notice him. He must get that from his mum’s side of the family. Onto Sunday’s games now, and Man City’s unbeaten run looked to have come to an end when Palace were awarded a stoppage time penalty to win it, but Milivojevic shat himself and his weak penalty was saved by Ederson. You might be surprised to know that I didn’t want Palace to score that penalty. Firstly, I want us to be the ones to beat City. And secondly, I didn’t want that run to come to an end like that, on an absolutely diabolical refereeing decision by Fat Jon Moss. I’ve got no time for City but that just didn’t feel right. My boy Zaha conned the ref for that penalty and justice was done when it was missed. No wonder Benteke took one off that chump in stoppage time the other week. He obviously knew he was a bottler. Maybe Hodgson owes him an apology. The closing stages of that game were fucking wild though. Not only was there the penalty miss but there were other chances for both teams and there was also the challenge from my boy J-Punch on De Bruyne that resulted in both players leaving the field on stretchers. Call me heartless, but my first thought was “great, no De Bruyne at Anfield next week”. As it turns out there was fuck all wrong with the cunt. Poor old Puncheon though is done for the year apparently, which some will say is karma. To those people I would say… Oh yeah, Jesus left the field in tears. Jesus wept. The baby Jesus. I’m here all week. Palace were really good though to be fair. It wasn’t a case of sitting back and parking the bus; they pressed high and got in City’s faces, and that’s what you need to do. Very few will attempt it because they’re so scared, but if you sit back you’re going to lose anyway so may as well go down swinging. Speaking of which, West Brom are giving themselves a fighting chance now they’ve appointed my main man Pards. They had nothing about them at all under Pulis and were just drifting along aimlessly towards relegation. They may still go down, but they look different now - even if results aren’t showing it yet - and are at least having a go. They got a decent point at home to Arsenal on Sunday despite falling behind to a deflected free-kick. Their equaliser came from the penalty spot and caused absolute murder, because frankly it was an appalling decision by Mike Dean, who has history with Arsenal. He’s their Howard Webb, if you like. Wenger steamed into Dean's dressing room and told him to 'fuck off' apparently. It's weird, I just can't imagine him saying those words. I'd love to hear him say it as I reckon it'd sound hilarious. He also questioned Dean's impartiality and said that the official "sees what he wants to see". We've all been there, Arsene. Jay Rodriguez just about buried the penalty, although he was incredibly lucky as it was just as shit as the one the Palace lad missed. They caught a massive break with that decision but don’t forget that West Brom were denied a blatant penalty in the previous meeting between these two teams, so what goes around comes around. Wenger did his nut though and he hasn’t stopped going on about referees ever since. I agree with everything he says, but because he’s such a cryarse no-one really cares what he has to say. Wah wah wah oh shut up you moaning old woman. The decisions that go against ‘Nice Guy Eddie’ at Bournemouth and he never opens his mouth, but this fella has one go against him and drones on for a whole week about it. Great result for us that though as it’s helped us to open up a little gap over them, particularly with them drawing against Chelsea too (I’ll get to that in a bit though). It’s been a disjointed few days with games scattered around all over the place. There were a few on Monday, some on Tuesday, one on Wednesday and one on Thursday too. Not really sure how they worked out Tottenham and West Ham’s fixtures. They didn’t play at the weekend, they didn’t play on New Years’s day, but they had games on Tuesday and Thursday. Bizarre. Let’s get Monday out of the way next. United had been on a really iffy run with four consecutive draws. Enter Everton, like a dose of Imodium to a fella with the shits, and just like that the winless run is over. I didn’t watch any of it but I’m told the Blues had a mosaic. Not sure what was on it, probably some sort of tribute to the number of titles United have won, knowing those sad, manc loving cunts. I have nothing more to say about this, such is my disgust. Stoke failed to benefit from all their fresh legs as they were beaten at home by Newcastle, and to complete their embarrassment it was that Ayoze Perez loser who got the only goal of the game. Could have been worse, it could have been Joselu, the worst striker in the Premier League and a man who used to play for Stoke. Stoke were actually the better side and should have won, but they didn’t win and the crowd are gunning for old ‘Useless’ now. Some of them even had little bits of A4 that they had hastily scribbled ‘Hughes Out’ on. He’s having none of it though. “Who else is going to do it? Who is better equipped than me?” he asked when quizzed if he could get them out of this mess. This is great, he’s getting more and more agitated every week and I love it. Growing up he was one of the players I hated the most and that never really leaves you. Fuck you, Mark Hughes. Vardy was missing but Leicester had a comfortable 3-0 win over Huddersfield anyway. Mahrez put them ahead with a superb volley. He then turned provider for Slimani to make it 2-0 with a deft finish. If we sell Coutinho then Mahrez would be high on my shopping list, but then he’d be high on my shopping list even if we didn’t sell Coutinho, because he’s fucking boss. Albrighton made it 3-0 after good work by Slimani, who runs around like a drunken bull in a china shop but is actually a much better player than he looks. Brighton v Bournemouth was surprisingly entertaining. Knockaert opened the scoring early doors but Steve Cook equalised against his former club and of course didn’t celebrate. Fucking loser. Murray restored Brighton’s lead with a goal against his former side, and he did celebrate, which is no surprise as he’s a bad cunt. Not for celebrating, just in general. I can’t even remember why, I just know he is. I think it might be related to something he did against us when he was playing for Palace. I’m great at bearing grudges but terrible at remembering the cause of them. I must have my reasons though. Bournemouth equalised with the kind of goal that needs to be watched with the Benny Hill theme tune playing full blast. I’m not even going to try and do it justice, it needs to be seen to be believed. Proper Keystone Cops stuff and a right kick in the balls for Brighton. In fairness Bournemouth deserved something from the game though. Onto Tuesday, and City won again. *yawn* Watford managed to keep them out for a whole forty seconds before allowing Sterling the freedom of the six yard box for the kind of tap in he usually misses. 18 goals this season now. Kabasele then put through his own net and Watford were in danger of losing 6-0 to City for the second time this season. It never happened because like everybody else, City's players were fucked. Lazarus De Bruyne made a miraculous recovery from being stretchered off with his leg in a splint two days earlier. What an absolute fanny he is, no wonder his bird left him for Courtois. He hit the bar with a free-kick but then Watford almost got back into it when Andre Gray went through one v one with the keeper only to hit it straight at him. Aguero made it 3-0 despite being one of four City players clearly offside when the cross came in. Gray eventually tapped in a consolation for Watford, who should have had a penalty in stoppage time too, only for Lee Mason from Manchester to wave away the appeals. The refs and linesmen struggled with their performances as much as the players did over this busy period, although some of them, like these losers, are just shit. West Brom took it to Pardew’s old team West Ham and led through a deflected goal from James McLean, his first goal in 16 months. For the record, he’s a winger. Who hadn’t scored for 16 months. They ran out of steam though and West Ham started to get on top of them. Big Andy Carroll headed in the most Big Andy Carroll goal ever to equalise and then won it in stoppage time with an outstanding finish on the run from a tight angle. Moyes’ smiling face afterwards is one of the most haunting images of the season so far. There are few things worse than seeing that creepy bastard enjoying himself. Some people don’t suit being happy, they look much more natural when they’re miserable. That’s Moyes that is. He should always look miserable. Jake Livermore got into it with a fan afterwards and tried to get into the stands before being restrained by stewards. Not a good look for him, but then we found out the fan had taunted him about the death of his infant son. What an absolute cunt. Some people just don’t deserve to breath the same air as the rest of us. I mean what the fuck possesses someone to make a comment like that? West Ham have identified him so hopefully he’ll be banned for life and someone will give him a good shoeing. It was a week for breaking droughts (not for Berahino though) as Shane Long finally scored his first goal in 11 months. Fuck me, that’s Ireland’s two best players who had gone 16 and 11 months respectively since scoring. How shit must they be? The Irish FA might want to start looking around the league again to see if anyone has Irish grandparents, because their homegrown talent couldn’t score in the Grafton. Robbie Keane must be doing cartwheels in his grave. Long’s rare goal wasn’t enough to earn Southampton anything from the game though, as Palace came roaring back to win 2-1 with goals from McArthur and Milivojevic, who is better from 25 yards than he is from 12. The Long Pork Sausage is in trouble I think, but the Hodge has pretty much saved Palace already. Whisper it, but he’s done alright there. Spurs won at Swansea as Llorente scored on his return to the Liberty. He started to celebrate too and then remembered where he was and stopped. He was offside too, so chalk another assist up to the officials who’ve been mostly fucking garbage this week. The same linesman who missed that missed an even more blatant one soon after but Llorente put this one over the bar. Bobby Madley then got in on the act when he failed to give Davinson Sanchez a second yellow card after a clumsy foul. Worst ref in the league he is, which is some achievement. Like being the tallest giant or the fattest guy in the Everton dugout. Swansea really had a go and came close a few times before Alli finished them off late on. Wednesday night saw an absolute cracker at the Emirates as Arsenal and Chelsea went at each other like Rocky and Apollo, just trading haymakers. It was a hell of a game and some were even saying it’s the best of the season so far. These same people were no doubt saying that after the Arsenal / United game, and then after the Arsenal / Liverpool game. That’s because those people are idiots and are too prone to living in the moment. It was good though, really entertaining stuff. Arsenal are the only team that can rival us when it comes to box office. They’re rarely dull because like us, they never go out there thinking about not losing. They play to win so they’re exciting to watch. Plus their defence is shite, like ours. They took the lead through Jack Wilshere, whose goal drought prior to this probably matched the combined total of the two Irish lads. Chelsea hit back with a dubious penalty won and converted by Hazard, and then Alonso’s neat finish gave them the lead before Bellerin levelled with a nice finish in stoppage time. The drama wasn’t over though as Morata went clean through but fluffed his lines, and Zapacosta smacked the rebound against the bar. Morata missed loads of chances and had a real Jon Walters of an evening. Arsenal allowing that chance just seconds after they’d equalised though was the kind of mad shit that I thought only we did. Thoroughly unprofessional shit, but it makes for a hell of a show. Finally, West Ham did us a favour by holding Spurs to a draw at Wembley. Obiang hit a screamer to give the Hammers the lead against the run of play, and although Son equalised with an equally brilliant strike, prompting thousands of wannabe lad bible style comedians to flood twitter with ‘what a hit Son’ gags, West Ham held out for a result that sees us end the festive fixtures with a three point lead over Spurs, who we face at Anfield in a few weeks. Beat City and then Spurs and we're halfway towards securing that top four spot. Easier said than done like, especially when one of our best players is on strike for the second time in six months. Football eh?

Last summer Liverpool wanted to sign Virgil Van Dijk but for various reasons could not get a deal done. Similarly, Barcelona wanted to sign Philippe Coutinho but for various reasons also could not get a deal done. Fast forward to January, and Van Dijk is now a Liverpool player while Coutinho is reportedly “on strike” for the second time in six months. The reason Van Dijk is now a Liverpool player is because the Reds spent the months between transfer windows working behind the scenes to smooth things over with Southampton and struck a deal with no fuss and no acrimony. Terms were agreed with club and then player a week before the window officially opened. That deal went through because Liverpool asked Southampton what their valuation was and even though it was more than they would have liked to pay, they paid it anyway, without haggling or doing anything that might irritate Southampton and jeopardise the deal. Coutinho on the other hand, is still waiting for Barcelona to come in for him and is now in limbo once again, conveniently sidelined with a 'minor injury' while he waits for his 'Dream Club' to swoop in and take him away from this personal torment. Four days into the window though, and Barcelona have yet to make a bid and do not appear to have learnt anything from their failure last summer. Look, I'm not holding Liverpool up as the patron saint of transfers. The club messed up badly in the summer but at least lessons were learned, and with the Van Dijk transfer they showed exactly how business is supposed to be conducted in January. Clubs have months to do these deals and in most cases they should be ready to go as soon as the window opens, just as we were with the big Dutchman. Why have Barcelona not bid yet? Why are we again reading the same reports in their mouthpiece newspapers that we saw last summer about how “a bid is on its way”? How’s this bid getting here, carrier pigeon? They’re taking the piss, just as they did last summer with their derisory bids that they knew would never be accepted. They talk and talk and talk about how much they want Coutinho, but their actions don’t back that up. They knew those bids weren't enough but they hoped that by stirring up enough trouble we'd eventually feel as though we had to do a deal just to get him out. Instead of lodging a serious bid for the player the very second this window opened, Barcelona have so far done nothing. Nothing official anyway. They’ve still been busy conducting their affairs in their usual, classless, disrespectful underhanded manner. We’ve had the predictable comments from past and present Barcelona players praising Coutinho, while their coach “refused to talk about him” because “he plays for another club”, but only after first saying what a great player he is, of course. We also had their official kit supplier announcing his arrival at Camp Nou on their website and advertising shirts with his name on it. Barcelona had nothing to do with that though, of course. In fact, I'm sure they were absolutely horrified by it. “More than a club” and all that, don’t forget. The lack of respect they’ve shown is something that Liverpool should be taking into account if and when a bid arrives. Here’s the thing. Barcelona do not need to quickly push through any deal for Coutinho. They’re winning their league regardless of whether they sign him or not and he would be ineligible to play in the Champions League for them so what’s the rush? If they choose, they can take their time and let this play out in the media throughout January. For us it’s different. We’re on a great run and Coutinho had been a big part of that. He’s still here, still a Liverpool player, yet he’s not playing. “Injured”, apparently. Just as he was for the entirety of the last transfer window, funnily enough. Reports in Spain and Brazil, however, tell us he is “on strike” and believes he has played his last game for the club. They also made sure to stress that the decision not to play has been taken by the player himself and he has not been put up to it in any way by Barcelona, no sir. All this nonsense is a distraction that we don’t need but it’s happening because Barcelona think they can do what they like and get what they want. If they want Coutinho, fine; Put up or shut up. Shit or get off the pot. Put your money where your mouth is etc There's been talk for three days now that a bid is on its way and presumably it will arrive eventually, but the real question is will they come in low again and work their way up over the next few weeks? If the first bid that comes in is as insulting as the last one they made, tell them to do one and come back in the summer. If it's not far off the club's valuation then tell them they've got until after the weekend to make an acceptable offer, or do one and come back in the summer. They cannot be allowed to drag this out and unsettle what we've got going on right now, and even if they do come in with an acceptable offer I'd still think twice about accepting it just because of the blatant disrespect they've shown by allowing it to play out so publicly again and not having these discussions behind the scenes earlier. Cheeky arrogant bastards. Frankly I’m at the point where I no longer care if Coutinho is here beyond this window or not, but whatever happens has to be on our terms because, contrary to what Barca and Coutinho's camp seem to believe, we still hold all the cards. Three and a half years left on his contract and it’s a World Cup year, so if a deal isn’t done, then good luck taking that 'strike' beyond January, Phil. Ideally I’d like him to stay, either because no deal is done or because one is struck that sees him remain here before joining them in the summer. I’m fine with both of those scenarios and I’d even be relatively ok with selling him now providing Klopp has a replacement lined up and ready to go. The one thing I won’t be ok with is selling him and not signing a replacement, especially if it happens late in the window. If that happens then the club will deserve every bit of criticism that comes their way, and hiding behind “it was Jurgen’s decision” won’t cut it. If they sell without buying a replacement they may as well have sold him last summer. I don’t think that will happen though. FSG handled this situation perfectly last summer and so far they’ve done nothing wrong this time, but they cannot allow this situation to drag on and therefore an ultimatum needs to be set. We can’t be sat here still discussing this in the last week of January. It's in Barca's interests to let the situation to turn toxic (as it did in the summer) in the hope that the price will come down because we’ll just want to get him out. It didn’t work in the summer and it shouldn’t work now. There’s a price that will get Coutinho and it’s fair to assume that Barcelona have been made aware of what that is. They are working with the January transfer deadline in mind, but Liverpool need to set a deadline of their own as this nonsense can’t be allowed to run right up until the end of the month. There’s nothing complicated about this; there’s a price to get him and they either have the money or they don’t. Pay it or walk away, it's their choice, but Liverpool need to tell them to make their mind up now because why should we have this distraction undermining us at such a critical stage of the season? Give them until Monday to come up with an acceptable offer and if they don't meet the deadline then don’t even pick up the phone to them until next summer and set their emails to go straight into trash. It’s one thing to accept the reality that our best players can be cherry picked by richer clubs, but having them treat us like dickheads is something we really don't have to stand for, and hopefully we wont. Dave Usher @theliverpoolway

Report by Dave Usher There’s nothing quite like a stoppage time winner is there? It’s always sweet, but this one felt sweeter than most for several reasons. It was also fitting that it was Lovren and Klavan who combined for the winner, because had we thrown away two more points from a winning position the defence would once again be getting hammered even though those two had been our best players. This was a horrible game in horrible weather against horrible opponents. Our performance was horrible too. It’s the worst we’ve played since the Spurs defeat and it’s probably the only occasion this season where you could perhaps argue that we got more than we deserved. We couldn’t have complained about a draw because we didn’t do enough in attack to win the game and Burnley had a few near misses. Again though, that makes it all the more enjoyable. To win it so late, and so soon after conceding an equaliser that must have been a real gut punch to the players, makes me suspect that this result probably meant more to the players than any other we've had this season. They didn’t play well but they battled hard throughout but it looked like they’d blown it again, so to then pick themselves off the floor and win the game all over again must have felt incredible for them, especially as so many of our top players weren't out there. There are some things this bunch can be criticised for, but they rarely let their heads go down when they suffer setbacks. As an example, many teams would have lost at Arsenal after conceding three in four minutes but they regrouped and forced an equaliser. Then having conceded so late against Burnley they could have found themselves hanging on for a point, but instead they took control again and forced a winner. Winning when you play as badly as this is a great feeling because it so rarely happens to us. Some teams *cough* the Mancs *cough* win loads of games when they look shite, but we almost never do it. It's partly because we hardly ever play this badly, which has to be seen as a good thing, but usually if we don't play well we don't win, and often when we do play well we still don't win. We were shite for most of this game, I don’t know exactly why that was but it was most likely a combination of things. The number of changes Klopp made did not justify such a poor performance on its own. The poor playing conditions didn’t either. The quick turnaround from the last game wasn’t ideal and the notoriously difficult style of the opposition was a factor. None of those things in isolation would explain how poor we are, but all of them combined probably does. We were really bad, especially in the first half. It was just dire. The midfield played like crabs and the forwards were not assertive enough. Mané actually looked disinterested and his body language was awful, but it turns out he’d been ill and probably wouldn’t have played if Salah and Coutinho had been available, so he gets a pass for that, particularly as he scored. Ox was only marginally better and at least had a shot on target in that terrible first half, but he too wasn’t doing enough for me. My boy Solanke couldn’t get into the game either, although it is a little more difficult for him as he’s partially reliant on others creating opportunities for him. The one chance that did come his way quickly went begging after a heavy touch. He desperately needs a goal, but he’s looked far more likely to get one when he’s come off the bench than he has when he’s started games. Might be an idea to give Danny Ings the start next time Firmino is rested? Keep Dom coming off the bench until that goal finally arrives. I've seen quite a few people questioning him but I'm not worried about him at all at this stage, I still think he's quality. Speaking of quality, Lallana was finally back in the starting line up and while he was neat and tidy and put in a shift, he wasn’t really a factor in the final third. His best moment came with a last ditch sliding challenge to halt a dangerous Burnley counter attack. It\s great having him back though and hopefully he stays fit now until May, as he's a massive player for us. The best chances of the first half probably came Burnley’s way, but in reality they didn’t really trouble Mignolet as they never hit the target. It was frustrating though because as poor as Burnley were, referee Roger East kept helping them out by giving them soft free-kicks which allowed them to pose more of a threat than they otherwise would have. Both teams were poor on the day but the referee was worse, he gave us nothing all day, the Voldemort looking cunt. That Ashley Barnes is a horrible fucker isn't he? He must be a nightmare to play against as he’s constantly fouling defenders while making it look like he’s the victim. He was backing into Lovren and then just hitting the deck, and every time the ref was duped by it. Burnley’s best chance of the half came when Barnes just jumped right into Lovren to prevent him heading the ball away, and Arfield latched onto the loose ball and shot just wide. Barnes is like Mark Hughes without the talent. All he does is fight and scrap and niggle and foul, but I admire him in a way because he’s making the most out of the limited ability he has. He’s a perfect fit for that Burnley team though, he epitomises everything that they’re about. Sean Dyche must fucking love him. I don’t like how Burnley play but I can’t knock it because it’s got them into 7th place, and let’s be honest, how else is a club like Burnley ever going to get that high in the table? They’re playing to their strengths and good luck to them for that. The constant tonguing of their balls by the media doesn’t sit particularly well though, nor does the lauding of Dyche as some ‘next big thing’ manager. He’s done great at Burnley, I'd even go as far to say he's done as well as perhaps anybody else in world football could have done (unless there's someone out there you believe could get them in the top six?). I’m taking nothing away from the work he’s done there but anyone who thinks that style is translating to a club with ambition and money to spend is clearly on crack. But I digress. I'm not gonna lie, at half time I was pretty pissed off at what I’d seen. I had known it would be a difficult game but nevertheless I expected more from our players. The two centre backs had been good, Gomez had done well and Can and Trent were at least having a go even if they were occasionally sloppy in possession. The rest were massively underwhelming though and I felt as though Klopp was going to have to really tear a strip off them. Whether he did or not I have no idea, but the second half was better. Not straight away though as it began in very much the same sloppy fashion and only really picked up after we scored. The goal highlighted what we hadn’t been doing previously. There hadn’t been enough urgency and players weren’t forcing the issue. It was too passive, but then all of a sudden Oxlade-Chamberlain showed great determination to win the ball in his own half, turned upfield and surged forward before knocking the ball into space for Trent. His cross looked to be heading right into the path of Ox, who had continued his run into the box, but Mané took it off his toes before turning and smashing it into the top corner with his left foot. It was a fantastic strike and more than made up for how poor he’d been prior to it. For the next ten minutes or so he looked more like his old self before Klopp replaced him with Firmino. At the time I thought that was a little strange as Solanke was the more obvious choice to be hooked. I assumed it was with an eye on Friday’s cup game with Everton, but having since learned that Sadio had been ill, it makes much more sense. He was probably shattered. As a sidenote, I noticed in his post match interview that Klavan seemed to be full of cold, so you have to wonder just how many of the team were a little under the weather. Anyway, it looked like we might get the killer second goal as we were playing quite well now. Ox went closest with a powerful drive after being set up by Solanke, but the keeper showed an incredibly strong hand to keep that one out. Initially it looked like it hit the post, such was the velocity with which it came back out. The keeper also denied Trent with a fine save from the youngster’s terrific 25 yarder. We couldn’t get the goal that would give us breathing space though, and we all knew what to expect in the final ten minutes as Vokes was brought on and the aerial bombardment commenced. Klavan and Lovren stood strong but with five minutes left the pressure was building and I looked at the clock and thought ‘we’re not going to see this out’. They were getting too many balls into the box and it felt inevitable that eventually something would fall for them. I’m not even being critical about that as it’s really difficult to stop teams putting the ball in the box when that’s quite literally the only thing they’re trying to do. Doesn’t matter where it is on the pitch, it’s getting launched. The keeper was taking all their free-kicks and they were throwing all the big men forward, but for the most part we defended it very well. It only takes one lapse though, or one good ball in. The goal was scrappy but I felt as though is was more down to bad luck than anything. I'd say that Ox should have done a better job preventing the cross, but after that it’s difficult. Klavan has no real chance of stopping Vokes winning the header, and although it looks bad on Gomez that he’s caught flat footed and his man sneaked in behind to score at the back post, I’m not sure there’s too much he could do to prevent it. The reason I say that is because he’s holding the line from the initial header from Vokes, while Gudmundsson has already started to gamble and run off the back of him. Gomez doesn’t know where the header is going so doesn’t commit himself to the runner and by the time the ball flashes past him the Burnley player is at full pelt, has the run on him and heads in. Gomez is partly responsible, sure, but it was nowhere near as clear an error as the ones he made at West Ham and Arsenal and aside form that he had another terrific game. The goal was a huge kick in the balls though and I’m sure we were all preparing our forum posts and tweets about ‘typical Liverpool’ not being able to hold onto a lead. And then the narrative changed again. Big Sexy picked up possession in his own half and decided to just drive forward with the ball. Defour tried to trip him, missed, and then tried to just fucking boot him. Again, he missed, but that was naughty and should have earned him at least a yellow card. Bardsley then came in to finish the job and flattened Emre. Again, no yellow card, but justice was served anyway when Ox floated in the free-kick and Lovren produced a fucking brilliant header that may have been going in anyway before Klavan dived in to make sure. Lovren deserved the goal and it would have been a nice moment for him, but Ragnar is a wily old pro and he did the right thing in making sure it went over the line as for all he knew it could have struck the post or been cleared by a defender. It was a great moment for them both, as they are the two most likely to be affected by the arrival of Van Dijk. Klavan’s form this season has been really solid and consistent, while as I mentioned in the Leicester report Lovren has been very impressive of late. I’m not drawing any long term conclusions from that and won’t be the least bit surprised if and when he has one of his meltdown performances, but credit where it’s due, he’s playing well and he was fucking boss in this game. He strapped on his big boy pants and stood up to everything Burnley threw at him. He’s my star man, just ahead of Klavan. The only points we've dropped from the four festive games were the two at the Emirates, so all in all we've done really well, especially considering the amount of rotation we've seen. The wheels came off for us this time last year so hopefully lessons have been learned from that and we can keep the rig on the road this time. Fingers crossed that Salah and Coutinho will be back for Everton on Friday, as there's some serious payback to be dished out in that one. Team: Mignolet; Alexander-Arnold, Lovren, Klavan, Gomez; Can, Wijnaldum, Lallana (Milner); Mané (Firmino), Solanke, Oxlade-Chamberlain (Matip):

Report by Dave Usher at Anfield Made up with that. It might even be my favourite win of the season all things considered. It was certainly one of the most satisfying because of the way it was achieved. We don’t usually win the close ones as they nearly always end up as draws, so to come back and win when so many things seemed to be conspiring against us was great. We made the worst possible start as Matip’s slack pass put Can in trouble, he couldn't win the tackle and then Robertson couldn’t cut out an incisive ball to Mahrez, who unselfishly squared for Vardy to finish. Vardy had a present here last season too when Lucas laid one on for him. He’s dangerous enough without making it that easy for him. I suppose a defensive howler was always going to happen with Van Dijk watching from the Main Stand, but the smart money would have been on Lovren being the culprit. He was actually excellent though. He’s been in good form for a while and has done well to come back from that Spurs horror show, which at the time I thought had finished him as a Liverpool player. He's doing well now but that's usually when he's at his most vulnerable, so I'm not getting carried away by this spell and hopefully he doesn't either. The response to going behind was great and we created loads of chances in the first half. The performance was very good and Klopp was rightly pleased by it, but the goal just wouldn’t come and it had a "one of those days" vibe about it. Salah missed three chances, two of them that you’d have expected him to take and one that was well defended by Maguire. Mané had a goal (rightly) disallowed for offside, Robertson had a penalty shout waved away (it would have been soft, but it was a foul) and there were other chances too, with Coutinho, Gomez, Milner and Firmino all having a go. In between all that, Schmeichel managed to waste a shitload of time when taking goal kicks. I don’t blame him for that, not one bit. I don’t blame any Leicester player for time wasting as they'd be stupid not to. I blame the idiot referee who did absolutely nothing about it. He could have nipped it in the bud after about 15 minutes but instead he just allowed it to continue. What he would do is allow Schmeichel to walk to the opposite side of the six yard box to waste a few extra seconds. He'd then let him kick his studs against the post to get rid of the mud on his boots, because Anfield is obviously such a muddy surface as we all know. Then he'd wait for Leicester's players to all make their way over the side of the pitch that Schmeichel was going to kick it. He'd then give the keeper a thumbs up and then the kick would be taken. Around 30-45 seconds each time. He did speak to him about hurrying up once, but he never followed up on it and Schmeichel continued to take the piss. It just added to the sense of frustration but the longer it went on the more it actually helped us because the crowd got so angry about what Leicester were doing that it fuelled the noise levels and everyone fed off that. Often in these games the crowd get edgy and impatient with the players but that never happened this time. The anger was directed at Leicester's players, but I'd like to think that people also recognised how well the team were playing and that there was no cause for panic. The main concern I had was that we might continue to waste chances and then get done by a counter attack, as Leicester are as good as anyone outside of ourselves and City at hitting teams on the break. That never happened and rarely looked like happening as the defence stayed alert and Can put in a great shift chasing down runners like Gray and ensuring they never got near Karius, who had very little to do. I was surprised he got the nod over Mignolet but seeing him sprint out and beat Vardy to a through ball probably gave us as good an indicator as any as to why he was picked. Vardy was offside anyway, but Karius didn't know that and he did well to snuff out the danger. Remember Mig conceded a penalty in a similar situation when we won at their place a few months ago? He was too slow getting there, so maybe Klopp went with the German for his extra speed? Speaking of speed, Mo remained undeterred by his lack of success and drew us level pretty soon after with a composed finish following a great back heel by Mané. The crowd were well into it now but the noise was cranked up even further when Maguire tried to stop us taking the ball out of the net and running back to the halfway line. After a spot of handbags with Can both players were booked. Harsh on Can really, it was that grock Maguire who caused that whole situation, but then the ref clearly had no problem with time wasting so it's not surprising. The goal was a massive relief though and given the way we were playing and the way the stadium was bouncing it seemed only a matter of time before we went in front, but Leicester just dug in even more and cranked up the gamesmanship further. The worst bit was when play had to be stopped after Vardy caught Matip in the face and he needed treatment. Instead of giving us the ball back in the place we had it, Ndidi kicked for touch into the corner and then Leicester pushed up to try and to hem us in there. Poor form that, and it incensed crowd further. Mo went close again jwhen he sprinted through onto a Coutinho through ball and lobbed a shot onto the roof of the net. He could have scored but it wasn't what I'd call an easy chance. Not compared to those he missed in the first half anyway. We kept playing our football and Klopp switched things around a bit by moving Mo central. It paid off as he collected a flick from Milner and rolled Maguire before wriggling free and slotting into the bottom corner. It was ridiculous really, I mean what was Maguire meant to do there? Yes, he was too tight, but if you stand off then Salah turns and you don't want him turned. Mo’s a slippery but strong little fucker. He’s like an eel, just wriggling away when you think you’ve got him trapped. We’ve had five months of this sustained brilliance from him now and it feels as though the only thing that can stop him is injury. This isn’t some purple patch he’s in, it’s who he is. He’s fucking incredible. He could conceivably get 40 this season. Leicester now had to stop all the time wasting and get on with it, but the problem for them was they’d already subbed Vardy and Mahrez. I could understand taking off Mahrez as other than the assist he had been a non-factor. Vardy though is just a constant menace. As long as he’s on the pitch you can’t relax. His replacement was Slimani, who would have been brought on regardless, as they went full on alehouse in the last ten minutes trying to force an equaliser. They had some dangerous situations and loads of long throws, and at times we looked like we might buckle but we came through it. It was funny really, I saw us doing all the things you want a team to do when they’re trying to see out the closing minutes when under pressure. Klopp sent on an extra centre half to help deal with the alehouse stuff. Milner played a couple of back passes to help take the sting out of the game and slow things down. Wijnaldum came on to give fresh legs and help shore things up. We were trying to play keep ball down in the corner. Yet still we never looked like we had it locked down. We’re just not very good at that side of things but it was encouraging to see them at least trying to do the professional stuff. In time we'll get better at that, and although I wouldn't say we saw it out comfortably there weren't too many close calls and it would have been a massive injustice had we been pegged back. Claude Puel said Leicester deserved something from the game. Managers don't half talk some shite don't they? They were lucky they didn't lose 6-1. Just take the narrow loss and be thankful, soft arse. It just feels great winning a close one and coming from behind to do it. I think that's the first league game we've won this season after conceding first, so that's pleasing. The performance itself was pleasing too, we're looking great at the moment even though Mané is still not himself. If we get him firing on all cylinders we'll take some stopping. Star man is Mo, but Gomez was top drawer as well. He'll end up at centre back eventually but his progression at right back this season has been rapid, one or two understandable errors notwithstanding. Next up is Burnley and who knows what Klopp will do for that. I expect all those who were on the bench for this one might start on Monday, because players are going to need to be rested. Personally I'm ok with making eleven changes because I'd prioritise the derby game. We'll see though, I've long since given up predicting what team Klopp is going to select. Team: Karius: Gomez, Matip, Lovren, Robertson; Can, Milner, Coutinho (Klavan); Salah (Wijnaldum), Firmino, Mané (Oxlade-Chamberlain):

This is a great time of year for footy because the hectic fixture list usually causes some unpredictability in a league that is otherwise fairly predictable. Unfortunately nothing too much out of the ordinary has happened so far. Mourinho again managed to escape criticism following poor results by somehow turning it into a discussion about Man City’s spending. Harry Kane went goal crazy with consecutive hat-tricks, City picked up six points without breaking sweat, as did Chelsea, but Fat Sam’s Everton are keeping clean sheets but couldn’t even score in a brothel at the moment. Wayne Rooney’s return should help with that though. Scoring goals I mean, not the brothel thing as that would be a low blow and I’m better than that. What? Fuck off, I am. Right, may as well dive straight into it then. City went ahead against Bournemouth through Aguero, but just what in the blue hell were Bournemouth doing passing it around in their own box like that? Begovic was the main culprit, instead of launching it he underhit a chipped a pass towards Ibe and it was intercepted. Five seconds later it was in the net. It’s hard enough against City without doing stupid shit like that. Sterling slotted his 16th of the season to make it 2-0, Aguero headed in for the third and Danilo wrapped it up with the fourth. The cheers for each goal were so half arsed though. It sounded like a testimonial, there’s no passion at all from that crowd. They’re by far the worst fans of any of the top six clubs - Arsenal seem like River Plate in comparison - but the whole set up there is manufactured and lacking any kind of authenticity. That increased their lead at the top as United dropped two points in hilarious fashion at ten man Leicester, giving an equaliser with literally the last kick of the game. Afterwards Mourinho called his players ‘childish’ in both penalty areas. He was actually right in everything he said, but saying it just makes him a twat. Klopp would never go after his own players like that, not would Wenger, Pochettino or Guardiola. Very few others would either. Moyes would, obviously. Hodgson probably would too. Other than that I’m struggling, because it’s a cunt’s trick. That Maguire equaliser was one of the best moments of the season, it was even better than the open goal that ‘Jesseh’ missed earlier in the game. Don’t expect to see that replayed as endlessly as poor old Ronny Rosenthal though. It was a worse miss but it’s a United player so I doubt we’ll ever see it again. Had Maguire not equalised I wouldn’t have seen it as it goes without saying I wouldn’t have watched the highlights otherwise. As soon as I heard about that last gasp goal I was counting down the minutes to MOTD, and it didn’t disappoint. Leicester’s first goal was fucking ace too though, as Mahrez and Vardy did what they do best. Outside of our lads there’s no finer sight in the Premier League than a Leicester counter attack. Mata scored twice to turn the game around and I’ve got to say it pisses me off big time whenever he does anything, as I just feel like Mourinho doesn’t deserve anything from the likeable little Spaniard because he doesn’t appreciate him. He’s like the loudmouth dickhead you always see down the boozer with the fit bird who he treats like shite. Mata left him once but has somehow found himself back in this unhealthy relationship. You just know all his mates are telling him to leave and never look back but he won’t listen. Elsewhere, Newcastle won at West Ham, or to put it another way Rafa had his way with Moyes just like old times. It was a decent game this one. West Ham went in front but Henri Saivet (whoever the hell he is) equalised. The Geordies then hit the woodwork twice through Gayle and Ritchie before Diame eventually put them ahead after great play by Atsu. Diame didn’t celebrate because he used to play for the Hammers. *yawn* Ayew then missed a penalty for West Ham, which was justice really as the foul was outside the box. The Hammers couldn’t get out of their own way, quite literally, as Collins smashed a clearance straight at a team-mate and Newcastle ran the length of the field to score through the lively Atsu. Ayew pulled one back but West Ham deserved nothing from the game and nothing was what they got. Good to see normal service being resumed after they threatened a mini revival. Desperately want them to go down, the freeloading fucks. High flying Burnley embarked on a tough run of festive fixtures with a home game against Spurs. They were comfortably beaten in the end but had Michael Oliver not been so lenient with Deli Alli then it might have been different. Not sure what this little prick has to do to get a red card. He could bring a machete onto the field in his shorts and start hacking away at someone and we’d have to listen to cunts telling us was “not a red card, maybe more of an orange” Just to rub Burnley’s noses in it, Alli then dived to win a penalty. Ok, dived is a little strong, but he made sure he went over the defender’s leg. Kane buried the penalty (Spurs’ first of the season in the league) and went on to complete a hat-trick. That was his seventh hat-trick of 2017 and his ninth in total for Spurs. Incredible that, he’s only 24 or something. He’s averaging more than a goal a game in 2017, which is entering Messi and Ronaldo territory. Imagine the hype that would surround him if he was in any way handsome, instead of looking like Bruce Forsyth and Jimmy Hill’s illegitimate son. He’s brilliant, I can’t speak highly enough of him. Moving on, and Wee Joe blasted in a cross from Crouchy to give Stoke the lead over West Brom. It feels like that’s the first thing he’s done all season. He started off at Stoke like a house on fire but he’s all but disappeared this year. Maybe he needed something to get him going, as soon after he created a goal for Choupa-Moting. Rondon gave West Brom some hope with a tidy finish but they couldn’t find an equaliser and Stoke killed them off in stoppage time when Foster came up for a corner and they broke downfield and Ramadan scored. West Brom are in a horrific run and look to be in real trouble, but I reckon they’ll get out of it as my man Pards is far too suave to get relegated. I like Rondon a lot too, I feel like he’d score more goals in a better team but he always works his bollocks off and I’ve got a lot of time for him. Elsewhere, Swansea battled back to earn a point after falling behind against Palace. They were struggling for much of the game but Leon Britton made some changes and they could have won it in the end. A few days later they came to Anfield and he left out all three of the forwards that helped them get something out of the game. Nice one, Leon. No wonder his stint in charge was short-lived. He signed his own death warrant when he started that Archie McSporran or whatever the fuck that anaemic, socks rolled down bum was called. After that Swansea immediately appointed some nobody who was sacked by Sheffield Wednesday. Why would they do that, you are probably wondering. Probably because of his agent - Jorge fucking Mendes. No doubt he’s promised to send a few of his players Swansea’s way, but obviously it’ll be the ones he doesn’t want at Wolves, the dodgy cunt. Modern football eh? Gets worse every year. Pascal Gross got the only goal of the game as Brighton beat Watford. Gomes should have kept it out but he went down in installments, it was like watching Fraser Forster. Everton did us a favour by holding Chelsea at the Pit. It was dire, they never had a single shot at goal but this is who they are now. They got battered and offered nothing in attack, and the clean sheet was more luck than anything else as Williams headed against his own bar, Jagielka cleared off the line twice and Pickford made about ten great saves. Staying with the Blues, I see Allardyce was getting a lot of praise this past week over comments he made about food banks and the state of this country. Can’t say I was shocked at him and Sammy Lee getting upset about a shortage of food. What? Yeah I know, I’m being a cunt there. Sorry. *whispers* Not sorry. My boy Charlie Austin scored to put Southampton ahead against Huddersfield but then he kicked the keeper in the face and split his nose wide open. It looked deliberate too. Not sure what got into him there as he’s not normally the sort to do that. The ref didn’t see it but the cameras did and he’s banned for three games, which is bit pointless as he did his hamstring later in the game and will be out for a lot longer than that now. Southampton’s day got even worse when that big yard dog Depoitre headed an equaliser from close range as Huddersfield’s impressive season continues. Southampton have fallen off a cliff though, Pellegrino really has his work cut out there. Onto Boxing Day now. Spurs destroyed Southampton as Kane became 2017s leading scorer with yet another hat-trick. The numbers he’s posting up are incredible and if he continues at this pace - and stays at Spurs - he’ll be the best goalscorer this country has ever produced. I don’t think that will happen though as to me it’s only a matter of time before he’s at Real Madrid, probably with his manager with any luck. I hope Spurs get in the top four this year though, as long as it’s not at our expense. Arsenal and United missing out would be nice. Southampton were fucking abysmal though, the goals they conceded were soft as shite and that Romeu looked like he was trying to get his manager the sack, the half arsed cunt. The players don’t look like they’re playing for the manager and the Long Pork Sausage could be in trouble soon. Southampton did score a couple of consolation goals, but that was only because Loris is dodgy as fuck. That’s two more soft goals to add to his growing collection, but as of yet it doesn’t seem to have harmed his ‘world class’ reputation. World class? Pah! He’s the French Joe Hart. United were 2-0 down at home to Burnley but came back to grab a point thanks to two goals from that little shitkicker Lingard. I skipped those highlights as I’m not watching that rat faced fuck doing whatever shitty choreographed celebration he’s come up with this week. Can’t tell you how much I hate him. Mourinho somehow managed to turn another disappointing result into a massive media discussion about City’s spending. Impressive in its own way I guess, but it’s so disheartening how the media dance to his pathetic, predictable little tune any time they have a bad result. One journo actually pointed out to him that he’d spent £300m, to which the response was basically “so what, it’s not enough”. I mean, he’s right in a way. What City are doing is fucking ridiculous and they’re showing no regard for FFP whatsoever. That said, it’s laughable when Mourinho is complaining about City “spending more on full backs than United spend on strikers”. Which full back cost more than Lukaku then? And let’s conveniently overlook United full back Luke Shaw costing more than Gabriel Jesus. And which of City’s midfielders cost anything like what United paid for Pogshit? Here’s the thing, the rest of the league can complain about City, you can’t, you hypocritical blame deflecting little thundercunt. How much have Burnley spent, by the way? You know, Burnley, the team that just held United at Old Trafford despite being without four first choice players? That should have been the follow up question by that journey, but in fairness he was probably too incredulous at the first reply to even know what to say next. I’ll move on now otherwise I’ll end up writing another ten paragraphs on that fucking mongrel. Leicester were surprisingly beaten at Watford despite taking the lead through Mahrez following another great counter. They’re a weird team. I probably rate them more highly than they deserve, but it’s because Mahrez and Vardy are so good. I love watching those two, and I have a soft spot for Japanese Dirk too, but Leicester have problems at the other end, especially when it comes to set-pieces. They’ve conceded 30 goals this season which would have them down with the bottom clubs if they hadn’t also scored the same amount. We play them next so I’ll refrain from commenting further on them. I think we can all agree that’s probably for the best given my track record. Watford needed that win though as they’ve been on a terrible run since they blocked Silva going to Everton. Their equaliser was scored by some lad I’d never seen before. Every week they seem to send out some random fucker that no-one knows. They must have a squad of about 90 players. My boy Doucoure got the winner with a weird shot from the tightest of angles (is he my boy did I ever make that official? He is now anyway). I think it might have been a Schmeichel own goal really, but I like Doucoure so I’m giving it to him even if the dubious goals panel don’t. Stoke picked up a decent point at Huddersfield to go with the three they picked up against West Brom. A productive holiday period for them so far and some of the pressure has been relieved on Hughes, who was quick to blow his own trumpet once again. No false modesty about old ‘Sparky’ is there? I hate that nickname by the way. Always have. Hated him enough even without that stupid name, but that just made it worse. The only positive thing I could ever say about Hughes when he was a player was that “at least he’s not that cunt Whiteside”. Tom Ince scored his first Premier League goal in four years to put the Terriers ahead but Ramadan scored for the second game in a row to ensure it ended honours even. Huddersfield were denied a stonewall pen when Wee Joe fouled my boy Aaron Mooy, but Stoke were also robbed of one when Diouf was clipped by Schindler. Hughes complained about the one he didn’t get and said fuck all about the one he got away with. Textbook Hughes. Want to hear a scary story? If that Blackpool owner wasn’t such a crank and hadn’t refused to answer calls from Liverpool, I had it on good authority that we’d have signed Ince and not Coutinho back in the day. True story, we only moved for Phil because Blackpool were being dicks about Ince. Everton drew 0-0 again, this time at West Brom. Has there ever been a game more destined to end goalless than that one? West Brom can’t score and Everton have forgotten how to. I fast forwarded this game on MOTD because I figure I’m probably on the 12th green or 13th tee in the round of golf that is life, so time is precious and I’m not wasting any of it on this turgid shite. Allardyce has Big Sam’d the absolute shit out of them already though hasn’t he? When the relief of escaping the relegation battle fades there is going to be some proper pissed off and fed up Evertonians I reckon. The only entertainment at Goodison these days comes from their unrivalled capacity to make complete cunts of themselves. Their latest comedy escapade was selling t-shirts in their club shop with a picture of the crowd on them. Only problem being, the crowd was actually the Kop. Oooooff! I mean fucking hell, how does that happen? I used to pride myself on my ability to take the piss out of Everton. I was fucking good at it, and all modesty aside I might have even been the best in my field. Now? They’ve taken it away from me by continually doing things that are funnier than any punchline I could ever come up with. West Ham thought they’d secured three points at Bournemouth in a dramatic game, but a controversial ending robbed them of two points. And they were robbed, it was scandalous. Collins headed them into the lead but that Dan Gosling jabroni equalised. Francis then laid out Kouyate with a Hulk Hogan style big boot, but before he could deliver the patented leg drop to finish him off he was surrounded by West Ham players and the ref. He was only given a yellow card, which again makes a mockery of Sadio’s dismissal at City. Fucking joke, but then Bobby Madley was the ref so anything goes really. Ake made it 2-1 to Bournemouth but Begovic slipped over while attempting a routine clearance and presented Arnautovic with a tap in. Hard to blame the keeper for that though as it was absolutely pissing down and he just lost his footing. He was beaten again by Arnautovic in the last minute but the drama didn’t end there as Bournemouth were then awarded a ridiculous equaliser after it had initially been ruled out. It really was a fucking farce. Wilson was offside and he put the ball in with his arm. The linesman flagged for offside but then both he and Bobby the Boob shit themselves after the Bournemouth players appealed. Wilson protested his innocence and was adamant he didn’t touch the ball (lying bastard) and the officials believed him. Incredible really, but I’m actually ok with it because it’s usually Bournemouth getting screwed like that so I’m pleased for ‘Nice Guy Eddie’ that something went his way for once. Plus it’s always funny seeing Moyes pissed off. Chelsea saw off Brighton at the Bridge. Nothing flashy or exciting about it, they just got the job done. They’re not as exciting as us or Spurs but they are almost machine like and it will take a good team to finish above them for second. City won at Newcastle but it’s reached the point where surely no-one even cares now. I just hope we beat them in a few weeks, and aside from that I couldn’t give a fuck what they do or if they win every other game they play. It was only 1-0 and I didn’t watch it, but from what I’ve heard Rafa parked every bus he could find and Newcastle’s aim was purely about keeping the score down. This is going to happen more and more I think, and in a way this was kind of a win for Newcastle. Look at it this way. Apart from Everton, who fluked a draw against ten men, every team that has played City this season has lost, and most of them by several goals. So Newcastle knew they’d lose, but by only losing 1-0 they’ve done better than most and their goal difference didn’t take a hammering. Rafa is the ultimate pragmatist and he’ll be fairly happy with with that. Finally, Arsenal won at Palace but they have Julian fucking Speroni to thank for it. What a fucking useless turd he is. He’s the worst keeper I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Brad Jones. Mind you, the Hodge actually bought Brad Jones so you have to question his eye for the position. Speroni is fucking hopeless though, if I was Wayne Hennessey I’d probably just retire in shame right now at losing my place to that fucking abomination. Palace would have won this game with a competent keeper. Or alternatively, a competent manager who knows what a competent keeper looks like. Here’s a clue, Roy. A competent keeper doesn’t look like his face has been put together with spare parts from other people and get beat on near post ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Fuck you Julian Speroni. Fuck you.

Report by Dave Usher at Anfield Three points, five goals and a clean sheet. Not a bad way to celebrate Christmas and just what we needed after throwing away two points at Arsenal. We rarely even had to move into third gear to win this, let alone fourth or fifth, so that's a good sign and hopefully it means that legs should still be quite fresh for Saturday's game against Leicester, which should be a lot more testing than this was. Having taken an early lead with another Coutinho cracker the stage was set for us to put Swansea away before half time. The goal was a microcosm of everything good about us. Can pressed the man in possession and although he didn’t win the ball, he put the player off balance which allowed Firmino to come in and complete the job. Swansea wanted a free kick but it looked like a desperate dive to me, and for once Kevin Friend got something right and allowed play to go on. He had a very good game, which must be a first. Anyway, Firmino found Salah who immediately played it into the path of Coutinho. One touch and then a spectacular bending shot into the far corner later and we had the crucial breakthrough. The first goal is always vital in these games but I always feel like it’s the second that’s the all important one. We can always give up a freak goal against these crap teams but sometimes you know there’s not a chance in hell they could score two. When we're playing someone decent then it's the third one that's the key as that means we're almost certainly sure of a point at least. It shouldn't be that way of course, but this is the crazy nature of this team. A quick second would have probably opened the floodgates but the longer the half went on though the more our tempo dropped and Swansea were quite comfortable. It felt like most of the half was Matip and Klavan passing it to each other or to big Emre. I didn’t really blame them for that as there wasn’t enough going on ahead of them and the passing lanes weren’t there. We’ve seen this quite a lot at home. Teams pack the defence and if we let the tempo drop then not much happens. When the tempo is high we look like we can score at will. Even in the recent disappointing display against West Brom there were a few spells when we upped the intensity and could have scored. We had our moments in the first half against Swansea, most notably when Firmino missed a great chance just before half time after we’d pressured them and won the ball back. That chance came about because Ox showed the desire to press the ball and forced a mistake. There wasn’t really enough of that in the first half. Firmino should have scored but overall he was brilliant again. He’s the most under-rated player in the league as no-one outside of our fan base seems to know how good he is. It’s all Salah this and Coutinho that, and last year it was Mané who got all the headlines. Firmino almost flies under the radar but he’s got 16 goals so far and more assists than any other number nine in the league. He probably runs twice as much as the rest of them too. He made it 2-0 early in the second half when he stole in round the back and volleyed in Coutinho’s cross from close range. It was a good ball in but I thought the keeper probably should have come for it. After all the hugs and backslapping were over, him and Phil did a little dance, although Coutinho seemed slightly less of a willing participant in that. Firmino just doesn't give a fuck though, he loves all that. Another free-kick almost led to the third. This one was beautifully done and deserved a goal. I was watching Mo closely as he was loitering around the back post and was in a fair bit of space as his marker had been sucked into the middle. I was expecting a linked ball to him on the back stick but just before it was taken he darted back out towards the penalty spot, Coutinho rolled it across to him perfectly but he dragged his shot just wide. Coutinho was involved in everything, he was sensational and Swansea couldn’t get near him. He combined with Robertson to create the third goal. Robertson’s cross was half cleared but out of nowhere came Trent, to bring the ball down and smash it in off the bar for his first Premier League goal and first one at Anfield. It won’t be his last. That’s the stuff dreams are made of and his celebration was just raw emotion. Made up for the kid. Firmino made it four after some unselfish play from Mo, who could have gone on his own but he was on his weaker foot with an unfavourable angle so he squared it to a team-mate who was better placed. Had Mané done that a few weeks ago Everton would have been on the receiving end of a similar beating to this one. Sadio didn’t even get on the field for this one, but that’s fine as he’ll be nice and fresh for the weekend. We really need him back on track because heavy rotation is going to be necessary over the next few games. Firmino did some weird karate kick celebration after that one. You never know what he’s going to come up with, he’s a complete head the ball. I often find myself shaking my head at his antics and going “knobhead” but I mean that in the nicest possible way as I’m usually smiling when I say it. The goal celebrations, the no look finishes, the outfits, the tongue wrestling with his missus on instagram, the teeth… he is defo a knobhead but he’s funny as fuck and he’s our knobhead. At 4-0 Klopp immediately took the opportunity to give Firmino and Salah a breather. A bit unfortunate for Firmino who was on a hat-trick, but it was the right thing to do and football has moved on from that. It wasn’t so long ago such a thing was heavily frowned upon, but it’s a fairly common occurrence now. Mo not scoring put a bit of a downer on the night for me. Any time he doesn’t score it feels like there’s something missing, regardless of how well we’ve played. Hopefully he can make up for it by scoring two or three on Saturday. Ox made it 5-0 with a goal not too dissimilar to Trent’s, as his persistence saw him win the ball and then he lobbed it into the far corner. It wasn’t an important goal in terms of the game, but it’s important for him because goals are the main thing he needs to add. It was a great finish too, I didn’t realise at the time just how good it was but it gets better with every viewing. He’s already matched his season’s best tally from his Arsenal days, with just three goals. That’s appalling really for a player of his ability. How can he only manage three goals in a season? Since he’s been here he’s looked like someone who could comfortably get double figures if he got the playing time. He wasn’t great against Swansea but he was fine. He works hard, he doesn’t give the ball away and he’s got a fantastic attitude. He wasn’t happy with his performance which is a good sign because it shows he’s serious about the need to improve. Based on everything I’ve seen and heard from him since he’s been here, I’d say he left Arsenal because he was too comfortable and it wasn’t a challenging enough environment for him. He wants to learn, he wants to improve, and he’s come to a club where he will need to do both if he’s to get a regular place. He’s easy to root for as he seems like a great lad. I was convinced we’d get another goal before the end because I was sure that my boy Dom’s moment would finally arrive. Every single time he comes onto the field he goes close to scoring but it just won’t go in. He’s hitting the woodwork, keepers are making great saves or he’s having goals disallowed. Eventually his luck has to change and with twenty odd minutes to play I thought this was the time. It wasn’t. First he had a close range effort blocked following good work from Milner (who had come on for Roberston) and then he hit a stunningly good volley inches past the far post. He’s going to be class and I hope he continues to get his chance even when Sturridge eventually comes back from whatever his latest ailment is. The win moves us two points closer to the Mancs and we just have to keep this form going. The only time we drop points is down to stupid mistakes as nobody outplays us. Leicester and Burnley could both be difficult if we don’t take our chances or do something stupid at the back, but we’re playing well and have no reason to worry about any opponent. The contrast in the goals against columns at home and on our travels is incredible though. Only three goals conceded at home, one of those a penalty that should never have been given and another was a complete fluke. So basically, one legitimate goal conceded in ten home league games. Away from home we’re leaking like a sieve. 20 goals conceded in 10 games. There are various possible explanations for it but it’s mostly about the lack of ambition shown by away sides at Anfield. They’re all scared stiff, even the good teams. Mourinho parked the bus as usual, but even Conte came here and only played two attackers. At home, in front of their own fans, even the lesser teams have to at least try and have a bit of a go. That suits us as we have more space to play and more counter attacking opportunities, but it also puts more pressure on the defence. We’ve really hit our attacking stride over the last few months though and every game we go into there’s the possibility we could score six or seven. I feel like that’s being overlooked by a lot of fans. Only Manchester City carry the same kind of threat that we do and only City are as enjoyable to watch. For the neutral we’re even more of a must watch because there’s always the chance we’ll shoot ourselves in the foot. After this game Chris Bascombe wrote in the Telegraph that this might be the most under-rated LFC team ever. I’d go along with that. I see so much negativity and complaining about this team. I’ve done a fair bit of it myself in the last two years but when you actually take a step back and think about it, you can make a strong case that this is actually the best team we’ve had since we last won the title. They're flawed, but they're also really fucking good. The reason I say this might be the best we've had in 25 years is because (relatively speaking) we’ve mostly been somewhere between decent and shite in that time, and even in the brief periods we were really good it was never as consistently good to watch as this, and it was usually down to the brilliance of one or two players. The Gerrard/Torres axis for example. Take either one of those out of that team and we wouldn’t have coped. Similarly, take Suarez out of the 2013 side and you’d be left with… well you’d be left with the dross we saw the following year. This team doesn’t rely on one or even two players. It’s a collective effort with lots of players chipping in. It’s a ‘Fab Four’, not a ‘Lone Ranger’ or a ‘Dynamic Duo’. Of course the team also has its weaknesses and can’t be trusted to protect a lead, but they’ve scored 74 goals this season already and we’re not even into the new year yet. At some point they’re going to have to start winning a trophy or two but I’d rather be watching this team every week than anybody else, including City who - brilliant as they undoubtedly are - should have an asterix next to everything they achieve. At the opposite end of the spectrum you have Swansea, who look doomed. It's a real shame I think, as they try to play in the right way. Yes, they got men behind the ball and tried to defend in numbers, but at no point during this game did they ever resort to launching it up the field. They’re a club that has certain footballing principles and they’re sticking to them. They pass the ball out from the back and they did it pretty well against us. The problem is they don’t have much in attack or out wide any more, so it was easy for us to keep them in check and win the ball back. I mean what the fuck was that thing they had up front? As soon as I saw that pasty white, socks rolled down cunt leading the line I knew they weren’t going to cause us any problems. I had no idea who he was, but he looked like a fan who’d strolled out to take part in a half time penalty shoot out. It turns out his name is even more comical than his appearance - Oliver McBurnie. He’s Scottish. Of course he is, I knew that before I even checked. He may as well have sauntered out onto the field swigging a can of Iron Brew and calling himself Hamish McJock. Picking him to start over Tammy Abraham was pretty fucking mental and tells me that Leon Britton might not be cut out for this management lark. I hope I’m wrong though because I liked him as a player and I’d love Swansea to somehow escape the drop because there are so many fucking negative, bus parking alehouse teams out there that I’d much prefer to disappear into the lower leagues instead. West Brom, Palace, West Ham, Burnley, Everton, Man United…. Star man is Coutinho who just edges out his mate Bobby. Wijnaldum was much improved in this one too, I actually noticed he was playing so that’s a step in the right direction. Tell you who else deserves a mention, because nobody ever talks about him even though he’s quietly had a pretty impressive season so far - Ragnar Klavan. His positional play and covering has been really good and he’s started to ping a few diagonals around recently too. He’s arguably been our best centre half this season, which isn’t saying much I know, but for £3m he’s been a pretty good acquisition all told. Team: Mignolet; Alexander-Arnold, Matip, Klavan, Robertson (Milner); Can, Wijnaldum, Oxlade-Chamberlain; Salah (Lallana), Firmino (Solanke), Coutinho;

Report by Dave Usher It felt like a defeat initially but it doesn't now the dust has settled. A point at Arsenal isn’t bad and being disappointed about only drawing is surely a sign of the progress we’ve made. I was furious during the game, frustrated immediately afterwards but having had time to reflect I’m excited about how we played and looking forward to the second half of the season. Only some dreadful finishing prevented us from winning the game before half time. It really ought to have been 4-0 at the break and that would have made the second half a procession where we’d probably have added another two or three. Salah missed two chances he’d normally take with his eyes closed, Firmino could have had a hat-trick (I wouldn’t call those poor finishing though, just unlucky more than anything) and Mané was also wasteful and was doing my head in all night to be honest. I keep expecting him to just explode into life and destroy some unsuspecting opponent, but it’s not happening at the moment. This might have been his worst game for us. Yet despite how poor Mané was we’ve completely had our way with Arsenal and carved them open repeatedly. It was a crime that we only had one goal to show for that at half time. Great goal though, beautifully manufactured by Milner and Salah and deftly finished by Coutinho. What I liked most about that wasn’t the header itself (although it was delightful), it was the run he made to get there. That shows you just how committed Coutinho is. It’s easy for a player like him to turn it on when he’s in possession; he can dribble past people and bang them in from 30 yards without even trying. That isn’t a sign of how committed he is, it just shows that he’s a great player. Seeing him make a lung busting run to try and catch up with the flying Salah is a whole different kettle of fish though. That, more than anything, shows the hunger he’s playing with. Credit to him for not sulking and mailing it in. It was significant that the goal came from Mo getting in behind their young full back. Klopp had definitely targeted him with that ball in behind, and also with crosses from the left flank to the back post. Twice Firmino could have scored with headers after stealing in behind the young lad. One brought a save from Cech and the other rolled agonisingly across the face of goal and just wide. I think he was trying to nod that back across goal for Salah and he almost managed it. Firmino also sent a curling, dipping shot inches over the bar. I thought that was in as it hit the stanchion at the back of the goal and then rolled across the back of the net, making it look like it was a goal. It was only when I saw no-one was celebrating that I realised it hadn’t gone it. Great effort though, very unlucky. We were all over Arsenal at that point and their crowd were getting mightily pissed off. We should have killed them off there and then as every attack seemed to end with a glorious chance. Unfortunately we kept fucking missing them. Salah went clean through the middle but his shot hit Cech’s leg and looped up into the air. Mané was there and could have brought it down and got a shot away, but instead he went for an overhead kick that went narrowly over. It felt like unnecessary showboating to me. He made amends soon after though when he surged into the box and did what he should have done in the derby and squared it to Salah. Somehow Mo completely missed his kick though. It was beginning to feel like these misses would come back to haunt us and Arsenal must have been made up to get in at the break trailing by just the one. The worry I had was that Arsenal were still alive and couldn’t possibly play as badly in the second half. I thought they’d come out flying but that didn’t happen, the game just carried on as it had been with us picking them apart on speedy counter attacks. Mané continued to frustrate but Mo hadn’t let those missed chances affect him. The pair of them tried to re-enact the goal they scored recently at West Ham when we cleared a corner and then flew down the field and scored. This time it didn’t quite happen. Salah’s pass to Mané was a little behind him which meant he couldn’t run through on goal. He gave it back to Mo but he had to shoot on his right foot and Cech was able to get down to it. There’s no more thrilling sight in football than those fast breaks though, I fucking love them. We got another soon after and this time made it count. Arsenal lost the ball in our box, Salah brought it out, played it to Firmino and then continued his run. Bobby’s hold up play and pass was beautiful and suddenly Mo was on the edge of the box with only one defender to beat. He tried to bend it round him but the ball clipped Mustafi’s heel which took it away from Cech into the corner. A little fortunate, but considering all the chances we’d had prior to that Arsenal couldn’t really feel too aggrieved. At that moment a rout was on the cards. Arsenal were in deep trouble and the fans - who had booed them off at half time - were ready to completely turn on them. We just needed to keep them out for five minutes and then pick them off, but unforgivably we allowed them to score almost immediately. It was just a hopeful cross that should have been dealt with by Gomez, but he made a terrible, terrible mess of it as he waited and waited and eventually tried an overhead kick clearance as Sanchez nipped in front of him to head past Mignolet. It was poor from Gomez but this is the type of thing that happens with young defenders. They make mistakes. That’s why they often play full back rather than centre back, because mistakes at full back tend to be less catastrophic than when you’re in the middle. Unfortunately this one was very costly. He needs to just attack the ball and head it away. You can’t wait for it to come to you at this level because the forwards are too good. That goal gave life to a team that had been dead and buried. So again, it’s important to take the sting out of it for a few minutes and ride out the storm. Instead we gave away a terrible, terrible goal. I don’t even know what Mignolet was doing there. You can’t go for that with one hand. Why did he do it? It had to have been the pressure of the situation but despite what his critics would have you believe, this is not something he does too often. He actually makes very few mistakes these days. I’d say the lack of crucial match winning saves is far more of an issue than mistakes, but this was a terrible fuck up and it came at the worst possible time. I don’t think that’s a co-incidence. By that I mean he saves that shot 99 times out of a 100. Why didn’t he keep it out this time? To me it was a result of the situation we were in. If we’re 4-0 up there’s no way he lets that in. I don’t think he lets it in at 0-0 either. But this team doesn’t deal well with these scenarios where the opponent is threatening a comeback. There’ll be the usual calls for Mignolet to be dropped and sold. As I’ve said all along, I’m more than happy for us to go and get a better keeper, I just don’t think it’s as easy to find one as a lot of others seem to feel it is. If there’s a great keeper out there that’s available, then no amount of money should be too much. We’ll probably have to fight Arsenal for him though because Cech is done. I don’t think Karius is better than Mignolet, not based on what we’ve seen so far, but if he’s improved behind the scenes and is doing well in training then fine, give him a shot. I’m not averse to having a proper look at Danny Ward either, although I don’t think there’s any chance of that happening. The danger if Mignolet is dropped after this one mistake, is what happens if Karius comes in and drops a similar clanger? He fucked up just as badly in Moscow when he let a tame free-kick beat him, so if he comes in for the next game and does that, does he too get dropped? Uncertainty at the goalkeeper position is never a good thing. I don’t think Klopp will drop the Mig after this, but I think he’s probably now on a very, very short leash as conceding like that, in that moment, was close to being unforgivable. I tell you what though, Klopp needs to ban him and the rest of the team from ever doing interviews before big games where they talk about how well things are going. It happened before Spurs if I remember correctly. It definitely happened before the derby with Lovren telling us he was in the form of his life, and it happened before this one with both Klavan and Mignolet running their mouth in the press this week. These cunts have never heard the expression “Pride comes before a fall” so maybe it should be posted up on the dressing room wall. Arsenal’s third goal is actually one I don’t have a massive issue with. We can nitpick about whether Gomez could have got around quicker or whether Mignolet went to ground too quickly, but it was a good goal conjured by two world class players. I can live with the goal itself, it’s just the situation around it that’s the problem. Three goals in five minutes? Fucking hell. That first goal changed everything. The mood in the stadium changed. The mood in the Arsenal team changed and the mood in our team changed. It was Sevilla all over again. Our bottle goes so often in these situations and although it’s not exactly surprising, it is nonetheless always shocking. At that point I was worried we’d completely fold and end up letting in another, but to the players’ credit they pulled themselves together and took control of the game again and forced an equaliser. It was a bit lucky again, as Cech showed that Mignolet wasn’t the only keeper on the pitch with crisp bag hands. Firmino deserved that goal though, he was fucking brilliant again. We looked the more likely winners but it wasn’t to be and we had to settle for a point. The overall reaction to it - both from fans and the media - seems to have been a lot more negative than it probably should be. It’s understandable of course, as this isn’t the first time we’ve imploded like this and it probably won’t be the last. Still, there was a lot more good than bad, surely? It sounds ridiculous given we conceded three goals, but defensively we were actually outstanding other than in that wild five minutes. You can’t disregard that brief spell of ineptitude of course, but when you see the team defend as well as they did for most of this game it makes a mockery of the whole “Liverpool can’t defend” narrative. We can defend very well. Just not all of the time! It’s not a structural problem or something that can be fixed by coaching as this team is as well coached as any in the league. To dominate virtually every game you play you are either superbly coached or you have the most expensive and best players money can buy. We don’t have the latter, so therefore it must be the coaching. The problem is they just don’t handle certain situations well and when they concede one you always have the feeling that more are on their way because that’s when the panic and individual errors creep in. We either keep a clean sheet or let in three or four. It’s nuts. Arsenal quite literally couldn’t get near our goal until they scored. Then within less than five minutes they’d added another two. After that they barely troubled us again. How does that happen? Klopp’s stubborn refusal to employ any sort of gamesmanship isn’t helping. Some would call it admirable, but to me it’s just silly and it’s holding us back. When Arsenal pulled a goal back we needed to do whatever it took to kill their momentum. Basically the same things I was writing about after the Sevilla collapse; keep the ball, and if you can’t keep the ball then someone needs to hit the deck and get the physio on, or they need to buy a cheap free-kick and then take their time taking it. Instead we always let it turn into a basketball game. End to end at 100mph. The difference is, in basketball when a team has lost momentum the coach can call time out to settle everyone down and regroup. That’s what we needed when Arsenal scored and the crowd got into it and the Gunners suddenly had the bit between their teeth. Instead we let the craziness continue. I’ve used this comparison before, but its worth repeating. We’re the boxer who just doesn’t know how to cover up when he’s taken a good shot to the chin. The legs are wobbling but instead of covering up or holding on to the other guy until the cobwebs have been shaken off, we carry on trying to throw haymakers of our own. Sometimes they land but often they don’t and it’s bang bang bang and we’re on the canvas. Klopp continually talks about it being a team problem and that it is not just about the defence. He’s right. This is not him just trying to make excuses for his keeper and defenders. Defending really does start from the front, but not giving the ball away when the other team is flying around with momentum is just as important. We gave it away too often in that spell we were under the cosh. Poor old Lovren and Klavan were in complete control until we conceded that first goal and then all hell broke loose. What happened after that was not their fault, but the narrative will still be “Liverpool’s defence is shit, they need Van Dyke”. Well yeah, it’d be nice to get him but let’s not be blaming the centre backs for this mess because their hands are clean. This time anyway. And let’s not lose sight of the overall picture here though either. Arsenal are terrified of us. Absolutely terrified and rightly so. Why? Because we’ve destroyed them the last three or four times we’ve met. We’ve given them a chance in two of those games by giving up three goals, but they know we’re miles better than them. Every time they attack us it’s in the back of their minds that it could cost them a goal. Three of the four we scored at Anfield came after they lost the ball in our box. Our second goal in this game did too. This is one frightening football team we have and that is reflected in how teams play against us. Most are too scared to come out of their own half. Those who aren’t, such as Arsenal (and Bournemouth last week), usually end up paying a heavy price for it. Of course the downside is that as scary as we are going forward, the opposition also know if they can just hang in there we’ll eventually give them a chance. And when we concede, no lead is safe. I was an angry as anyone during and after that crazy five minute spell, so I’m not making light of it or dismissing the significance of it. It’s unacceptable and it’s soul destroying that we can undermine so much good work in a flash. All I’m saying is that so many people seem to have the collapse as their main take away from the game. Is that the story though? Maybe it is, but I just don’t see it that way. The story for me is how much better than Arsenal we were once again. It’s easy to focus on the defensive issues and complain about Mignolet, Moreno, Lovren or whoever happens to be the one making the blunder on any given week, but this team is brilliant to watch. That has to count for something, surely? Since I got over the fact that it was going to be another season without a title I’ve really been enjoying watching us. I'm pretty happy right now. We’re far from perfect but there’s so much to like about what this team is doing. We’ve drawn eight games this year but we were the better side in every one of those games. We have to find a way to win those games but far better to be in this situation than having to hang on for a point and being regularly outplayed. Spurs outplayed us. City did too (but only after we were reduced to ten men). Other than those two games we’ve been the better side in every single game we’ve played. Complain about us not winning all of those games if you like and point the finger at the players you feel are to blame for it, but I’ve moved past that now I think. Why dwell on the negatives and complain about everything when there’s so much that is good too? I was doing that not so long ago, but fuck all of that now. I don’t want to be miserable when my team is so exciting and works so fucking hard in every game they play. Yes, they make mistakes, but these lads run themselves into the ground in every game. It’s never a lack of effort that holds them back, just a lack of savvy and resilience. I enjoy watching this team and even though at times I’d like to bash their collective heads against a brick wall and knock some street smarts into them, by and large I’m happy enough and think we’re heading in the right direction. Here’s the thing; if this had been an even game or if Arsenal had been the better side and we’d scrapped our way to a draw, I suspect people would probably be fairly happy with a ‘battling point’. And if we’d been outplayed like United were but somehow won (thanks to their keeper equalling a record for the most saves in a game), most would be buzzing off it. Yet in terms of where we are headed as a team, there’s far more to be taken from this performance than there would be from a lucky United-style win. We’ve gone to one of the best teams in the country and we’ve destroyed them. We squandered two points because we missed some sitters and then had a five minute brain fart that cost us three goals, but Arsenal know they got out of jail and our players should take confidence from what they did rather than lose confidence because of what they did not. This is a growing process we need to go through. You don't become a perfect team overnight and there are going to be bumps along the road. Put it this way, I’d much rather be us than Arsenal. When I watch this team I’m often exhilarated, occasionally exasperated, but I’m never, ever, bored. For now, I’ll take that. Eventually Klopp is going to have to figure out a way to stop them giving up leads though. If he does that, we'll have something special going on. Team: Mignolet; Gomez, Lovren, Klavan, Robertson; Henderson (Milner), Can; Salah, Coutinho (Wijnaldum), Mané (Oxlade-Chamberlain); Firmino:

Leaders Man City annihilated Spurs on Saturday to record their 17th win in 18 games. They were the beneficiaries of a debatable decision early on but they were also on the wrong end of two or three as well, as Craig Pawson had what for anybody else I’d describe as “a right old Jon Walters” but for him was just a normal day at the office. City went ahead when an unmarked Gundogan headed in from a corner and they dominated the early exchanges, but they should have been reduced to ten men when Otamendi booted Kane in the face but was only given a yellow card. The last time something similar happened at that stadium we all know how that turned out, but at least that was a different referee. City were then denied a penalty when Rose shoved Mangala in the back. This is actually the same ref that penalised Lovren a week earlier for a non existent shove in the back against Everton. Pretty galling that really. Pawson’s error strewn day continued when Kane escaped a red card after a high, studs up challenge that caught Sterling on the shin. Not the first time that day Sterling was kicked. Some knobhead had turned up at the training ground that morning and booted him and racially abused him. He's since been arrested and charged. All sounds a bit weird though, and I can't have been the only one initially thinking that there was probably a girl involved somehow. Turns out though it was just some lunatic United fan with a grudge and a hooliganism rap sheet as long as Lukaku's... what? ARM! Arm, I was gonna say arm. Jeez. What do you people take me for? Next it was Alli's turn to go over the ball on De Bruyne. Another yellow, even though it was at least as bad as the challenge Pogba was sent off for at Arsenal. It was probably worse actually. De Bruyne was lucky to escape serious injury but he exacted his revenge seconds later when he burst through and blasted a shot past Lloris to double City’s lead. I’m in broken record mode here I know, but if Mignolet had let that in he’d have been pilloried. Just sayin’ like. It seems that Lloris is allowed to be dodgy as fuck with no harm to his reputation just as long as he pulls off a worldie every few weeks. De Bruyne won a penalty but missed it before Sterling made it 3-0 with a tap in. Dier then completely fucked up a routine interception which Lloris also missed to allow Sterling his second tap in of the game to make it 4-0. He had missed two open goals earlier in the game but that will be forgotten. Is there any player as good as Sterling who misses so many sitters? Tell you what though, for three years I’ve been saying Eric Dier is a fucking yard dog and for three years I’ve been reading how great he is. I’m not having it, I know shite when I see it, and he’s shite. In fact, he’s Phil Jones’ without the gurning. De Bruyne is fantastic though. Best player in the league and top five in the world now, surely? So how come we never hear about Real or Barca chasing him? Any time us, Spurs or Arsenal get ourselves a boss player we have to worry about them being lured away to Spain. Even United aren’t immune to it. Why not City? Are they (and Chelsea) exempt from that “everyone wants to play for Real or Barca” thing then? It’s a serious question. If they are, then the only reason for that can be £££££, so in theory would that not mean the rest of us could keep our players too if we offered them more cash than the two Spanish heavyweights? It’s an interesting discussion I think. I mean why the hell would the two La Liga big boys not be banging down the door to get De Bruyne? He’d walk into either of their teams and he’s better than Coutinho, so why are Barca bothering us and not City? Martin Keown was gushing about De Bruyne’s performance and said on MOTD that “his feet are like paint brushes. He’s an artist”. I like that. I might start doing it myself in match reports you know. “Gini’s feet are like claws. He’s a crab.” “Mo’s feet are like wheels. He’s a race car.” “Lovren’s feet are like twisters. He’s a fucking natural disaster” “Roberto’s feet are like single moms in America juggling three jobs to feed their kids. He’s a really hard worker”. Yeah I'll stop there I think. As for Keown? “His feet are like giant clubs, he’s a fucking caveman”. Spurs got a late consolation through Eriksen but overall they were well beaten, which although good for us is a little demoralising really from a competitive standpoint. City have thoroughly outclassed United and Spurs in recent weeks and they battered us too of course, albeit thanks to Fat Jon Moss and his itchy trigger finger. Still think we’d have won that game without the red card, but we’ll never know. The only team to take points off City was Everton, who recorded a spawny draw after City were harshly reduced to ten men. Even with a man short they battered the Blues so should really have a 100% record. Someone really needs to beat them though just to stop the media fawning over them. Under normal circumstances I’d get it. A team doing what they are deserves all the praise that comes their way, but this isn’t ‘normal circumstances’ is it? Klopp made a comment this week about how people should put their thumb over City when they look at the league table. He meant it as a compliment but I’d say the same thing and use it in a dismissive manner. Forget what they're doing, it almost doesn't even count as they've stacked the deck so much in their favour. Here’s the thing, I accept that what they are doing isn’t easy, even with all the advantages they have, but don’t ask me to give them any credit for it. They’re owned by some proper dodgy cunts who are using football to try and improve their PR and stop people from talking about what dodgy cunts they are. They’re ignoring every fair play rule in the book and no-one says fuck all about it. I read the other day that Milan are going to have to have a firesafe because of FFP. There was something about PSG not being able to buy anyone next summer too (which I’ll believe when I see), but City are allowed to do whatever the fuck they like. Even their own fans know that this whole thing is artificial and has no sporting merit. It's like Ben Johnson winning the Olympic 100m. That’s why there’s just no soul or joy about them. I’ll never forget the blasé way in which they ‘celebrated’ the title when they pipped us. We’d been lining the streets every home game for months, greeting the coach and creating an electric atmosphere for those games. If we’d have won it, the celebrations would still be going on now. Fuck Manchester City, let them run away with the title and the rest of us can ignore them and battle it out amongst ourselves. Anyway, *deep breath* moving on.... I ask this every week, but what exactly does Mark Hughes have to do to get sacked? I would have suggest that losing at home David Moyes would be enough, but apparently not. Not even when it’s a 3-0 loss. Hughes may as well have taken a shit on the chairman’s desk, yet somehow he’s still in a job. Another one of those work experience refs who nobody knows took charge of this one and he altered the course of the game by awarding the Hammers a penalty following a blatant dive by Lanzini. Noble converted the spot kick and West Ham never looked back. Arnautovic was in full on panto villain mode against his old team. The fans were giving him stick, as you’d expect, and he was on a crusade to score so he could rub their noses in it. He hit the bar twice, had another effort hit the outside of the post and blasted another over the bar before finally getting his goal. Sakho came off the bench to make it 3-0 to a chorus of boos from the unhappy home fans. The scoreline would have been much worse if West Ham had put away even half of the clear chances they had. Stoke are in big trouble. In an age where players don’t celebrate against their former clubs because they want to be seen as “classy” I love all the aggro when someone doesn’t give a fuck and just wants to milk it, so take a bow Arnautovic, that was boss. Hughes was unimpressed with the dive that led to the penalty, which amused me because I’ll never forget him cheating outrageously to get a Montpellier player sent off when he was at United. He barged into a defender and then went down holding his face claiming he’d been head butted. The ref fell for it and Montpellier were down to ten men. (Here’s a clip of it, it’s at 1:49) I always remember it because it was the first time I’d ever seen that from an English club. Any time someone cheats against a Mark Hughes team I just see it as the old Karma Chameleon bitch slapping him across his stupid face. Moyes’ take on the pen was embarrassing though. First he trotted out the old chestnut of the defender “giving the referee a decision to make by going to ground” before then laughably claiming that Lanzini didn’t dive, he just collapsed through fatigue after running 70 yards. Fucking hell, he’s a professional footballer!!!! Even I can run 70 yards without collapsing through fatigue. Lanzini was banned for the dive, which I’m not sure I’m in favour of really because what good does that do the team he cheated? West Ham suffered because of that decision, and now he misses a game against Newcastle, who Stoke are in a relegation battle with. Staying with Stoke for a second, my Dad was watching this game and was wondering aloud as to whether Shaqiri has Downs Syndrome. He wasn’t even taking the piss either, he was deadly serious and despite my mum’s best efforts to tell him he was being ridiculous he wouldn’t be swayed. There’s “definitely a bit of that in him” apparently. The most surprising result of the weekend was Palace smashing Leicester at the King Power. Benteke made amends for his behaviour a week earlier by heading the opening goal and my boy Wilf (who was fucking brilliant again) added a second. Leicester’s cause was not helped when Ndidi was sent off for two quick yellows, the second for a clear dive, and Sako struck a brilliant third with the last kick of the game. It hasn’t all been good for Palace this week though, as my boy J-Punch was arrested and charged with possession of a dangerous weapon. Unconfirmed reports (and by that I mean I made this up) suggest when confronted by the police and asked to hand over this deadly weapon he had been spotted with, he waggled his left foot at them and quipped “you must mean the old magic wand”. You know, thinking about it, Huddersfield battering Watford at Vicarage Road was more of a shock than Palace winning. Watford’s bubble looks to have well and truly burst now and they have no wins in five. The first goal they conceded should never have stood as it was clearly offside. Marco Silva was going mad but that was at the same end that they equalised against us with a very similar offside goal that he was more than happy to accept, so fuck him. Aaron Mooy then made it 2-0. Is he my boy? It’s difficult to keep track of these things sometimes. I think he was close to getting there earlier in the season but I don’t think I ever made it official. Deeney was then sent off for a reckless and unnecessary challenge from behind. I didn’t think it was THAT bad but he got a straight red and a four match ban, which seems a little excessive when you see what other players have got away with this weekend. Here’s a bombshell for you; I’ve had one of my trademark changes of heart and decided I like Deeney now. The reason is simple. He’s a throwback. He’s old school. I love how football used to be so what’s my problem with Deeney? I feel like I’ve been doing him a bit of a dis-service all these years. Yeah he’s a knob, but he’s an old school knob, like me. So for now I like him, but I reserve the right to flip once again when Fat Sam takes him to the Pit in January. Anyway, Huddersfield increased their lead when Depoitre made it 3-0, but that changes nothing; he’s still shite. Huddersfield were also reduced to ten men with a harsh second yellow card for Hogg, who didn’t see the lad coming and didn’t even catch him that badly. Terrible decision. No surprise that it was Richarlison rolling around looking to get him in trouble. Twat. Doucoure hit an absolute screamer to get Watford back into it but he then conceded a penalty that looked pretty harsh to me. Depoitre hit the deck like a sack of shite under minimal contact. I like Doucoure, he’s another who is close to getting ‘my boy’ status. Mooy buried the pen and Huddersfield went back to Yorkshire with a surprising 4-1 win under their belts. Elsewhere, Chelsea were unimpressive again but eeked out a 1-0 win over Southampton, who left Van Dyke on the bench. Cheeky bastards will still be demanding £70m for him even though he’s behind Jack Stephens in the pecking order. It begs the question, how much would they want for Stephens? Give it another six months and we’ll probably be the ones to find out. Alonso got the only goal of that game with a free-kick that should have been kept out by that deadbeat Forster. I hate him, the Frankenstein looking twat. Newcastle’s abysmal run continued with a loss at Arsenal that dropped them into the bottom three. Ozil got the only goal of the game with an absolutely stonking volley. The Geordies had their chances, the best of which was wasted by that loser Ayoze Perez in the last minute. Not going to say anything else about Arsenal because we play them next. Brighton and Burnley ended goalless. Of course, oui. As I keep telling you, Burnley games only ever have one goal or less in them. Brighton should have won it but Murray blasted a penalty into orbit. He won it himself when he stuck his foot in between Tarkovski’s legs and they both fell to the floor in a heap. Sneaky. Tarkovski got his revenge soon after when he elbowed Murray in the ribs. The ref didn’t spot it but the cameras did and now he’s banned for three games. When Brighton aren’t over matched against the top sides they play some terrific football against the rest. That Knockaert is a cracking little player, I imagine he must have torn up the Championship last year. He’ll probably do it next year too… Onto Sunday now, and United edged out West Brom at the Hawthorns. I didn’t watch it, why would I? Lukaku scored and once again didn’t celebrate. Possibly because he used to play for West Brom or possibly because he’s a knob. The smart money is on both. Hilariously though they got knocked out of the league cup by Bristol City in midweek, as the Championship side got a 93rd minute winner. I didn’t watch that either but wish I had now. City’s fans invaded the pitch in celebration at full time but fortunately they weren’t playing loud music so there was no aggro from Mourinho this time. Finally, Monday night. *sigh* Allardyce taking over at Everton was always going to ensure their survival, but it’s a bit fucking galling that he’s done it in three weeks. They’re getting all manner of fucking dodgy pens lately too. Rooney scored one and missed one, but even the one he missed ended up in the net as Calvert-Lewin managed to stay on his feet long enough to put away the rebound. Sigurdsson scored too, and predictably didn’t celebrate. Even more predictably, people were falling over themselves to say how ‘classy’ a gesture it was. Job done there then, eh? Swansea reacted by sacking Paul Clement. I have no real opinion on that, but it is a sign of the modern game that it wasn’t that long ago he was being hailed as a genius for keeping them up. I suspect he’s probably a decent enough manager who if he finds the right situation could do a good job somewhere, but Swansea look like they’re in free-fall. The first name to be linked with them was Tony fucking Pulis. They’ve supposedly ruled that out, but Everton ruled out Allardyce initially until they had to go slithering back to him. If not at Swansea then it’ll be somewhere else, but Pulis will be back. These prehistoric monsters all come back. The dinosaurs would never have gone extinct if there’d been Premier League football around back then.

It seemed just like yesterday that the 2017/8 season kicked off in earnest. Now as we reach its midpoint, I thought what better time to take a look back what has occurred in the first four months. From the overwhelming joy of putting Arsenal to the sword, to the shambolic nature of the defeat to Tottenham, as usual there has no shortage of ups and downs for the Reds. Firstly, lets look at the positives, starting with an individual who had a fair bit to live up to when he arrived at the club but has delivered in spades. Mo Salah - The goal scorer supreme No player chooses their price tag, but eyebrows were certainly raised when the club paid in the region £40 million for the Egyptian in the summer. There is a feeling of apprehension when a player is signed for such a large fee, as it can only go one of two ways- a stunning success or a outrageous flop, there is seemingly no middle ground. Salah was a peripheral figure in his first stint in English football at Chelsea, but in hindsight it was a tall order breaking into a Blues side which had a pretty established starting lineup. His form in Italy for Fiorentina and Roma certainly caught the eye, but as we have seen time and time again, quality performances in Serie A rarely translate to the Premier League. However from the early stages of his Liverpool career, Salah has looked right at home, keeping up an outstanding ratio of just under a goal a game while setting up plenty of chances for his teammates. He gives the defenders hell from the first minute to the last, never giving them a moments piece and undeterred when he has a shot saved or drags one wide. While the Reds frontline has certainly been an exciting feature of the side over the last couple of years, it has gone through its period of struggle, most noticeably when Phillippe Coutinho and Sadio Mane were absent through injury and international duty at the tail end of last year and the early part of 2017. Having another class attacker at your disposal not only gives you more depth in quality, but it also causes more headaches for the opposition on who to put their full focus on. Star names on a piece of paper is only one side to the equation, you actually have to make it work on the pitch, so it is full credit to the players concerned to make it click so well. While Alberto Moreno's improvement has been really pleasing to see, I would like to highlight two other players for their share of praise for their first half of 2017/8. Roberto Firmino - The underrated workhorse Roberto Firmino is not your archetypal Brazilian player full of flair and all-round skill. While some players who fit that description can be a bit 'flighty' and 'inconsistent', the 26 year-old is prepared to roll his sleeves up and work for the team whatever the circumstances. As the past has shown, every successful team needs that type of player and it is not a stretch to say that the Reds lacked that after the departure of Dirk Kuyt. Firmino does possess a much more rounded game than the Dutchman and it is to his credit that he can blend the two elements together. His performances certainly float under the radar, but you can be sure he will be one of the first names on the manager's team sheet every week. In truth, he is the perfect offsider for Mane, Salah and Coutinho, and while not a 'number nine' in its true definition, he leads the line very effectively. Six goals in the Champions League group stages is another example of Firmino's ability to produce whatever the occasion, and a clear sign of a quality player. Joe Gomez - Persistence finally pays off To describe Joe Gomez as a peripheral figure in his two seasons at the club would be a major understatement, only making ten appearances due to knee and achilles injuries. When a player cops a series of injuries at such a young age, you do question what sort of direction their career will head down as it would be understandable if they became disillusioned with the game. The ability of Gomez to put his injury hell behind him by staying mentally strong, and then producing some very mature performances has been a fine effort. A bit of good fortune has finally gone the 20 year-old's way with the incumbent right back Nathaniel Clyne being on the long-term injury list. He has shared time in the position with Trent Alexander-Arnold this season and while Jurgen Klopp's rotations has come under increasing scrutiny, a personal opinion is that the German has produced a great piece of management by keeping both players hungry and giving them invaluable exposure in the infinite stages of their senior career. Gomez is also developing on the leadership front, having being appointed England U/21 Captain and his impressive performances for the Reds saw him win his first senior caps for the national side and producing a standout performance against Brazil. While the hunt for a new central defender has been a long and frustrating one, Gomez has the poise and ability to play that role for a number of seasons to come. The negatives In terms of our main weakness so far this season, I'm not looking to focus on one individual as plenty of player bashing goes on among the fan base, it is more of a collective issue and that is the lack of focus in crucial moments. In the league, the Reds have thrown away winning positions in the last 15 minutes against Watford, Chelsea and Everton, along with the shocking collapse against Sevilla in the Champions League. On all those occasions, a little bit of poise would have been valuable, such as someone to put their foot on the ball, control the tempo and keep a level head under pressure. You can sense the nerves and never get a feeling of calm when the team is in that position and in their ability to see the game out. The defence consistently has fingers pointed at it, but in reality every player can look to play a part in getting the team over the line in those tight battles. It can be as simple as clearing the ball into Row Z instead of playing a risky cross-field pass, and game intelligence is one of the qualities that players should have at their disposal. The present When assessing the current landscape, while you cannot call the first half of the season an outrageous success, it certainly has not been an outright failure. The title is out of the question (luckily there are plenty of other teams in the same boat), however the performance in the Champions League group stages was commendable with plenty to build on too. Once again we have shown we can put teams to the sword with periods of majestic football, however grinding down stubborn opposition teams remains a work in progress. The future The second half of the season has plenty of exciting challenges ahead including seeing how far we can go in the Champions League knockout rounds and aiming to solidify ourselves in the top four. Unanswered questions Will we continue our hunt for a central defender in January and where does the future lie for the likes of oft-injured Daniel Sturridge and contract rebel Emre Can? Will Marko Grujic finally emerge from the shadows and get a decent run in the side, or will he be someone that remains on the periphery? Can the team consistently click as a cohesive unit from the back to the front? That last point may take a bit of time to achieve, but if it occurs we will be a very scary prospect for the opposition. Here's to a 2018 to remember. Jason Harris @JayHarry80