I feel like I had my head in the football toilet all weekend. That was as bad as it gets. Nothing went right for us. Trying to come up with anything even remotely positive from last weekend is an exercise in total futility. It’s like trying to sniff your own burps, it just isn’t possible. I know this because recently I’ve had some proper badass eggy burps that have been turning my wife’s stomach, yet I don’t know what all the fuss is about because try as I might, I just can’t smell the bastards.
I’ve tried everything from burping and then sniffing really quick to try and catch it on the way out, to grabbing them in my hand and then cupping it to my nose. Hell, I even tried burping into a glass and then sticking my nose right in there. Didn’t work. How come you can smell your own farts but not burps?
What a horrific weekend that was though, we’re talking complete misery. Not just any misery, this was a Christmas day episode of Eastenders misery, so don’t expect much light heartedness in this as I’m not in the mood for jokes. I’m watching MOTD as I write this and it’s just depressing as fuck, and not just because Shearer and Phil Neville are the pundits.
Anyway, here goes…. Spurs just about beat Leicester as Harry Kane hit a hat-trick. I’ve gone full circle on him now and I’m back to really not liking the bastard again. It’s the face and the stupid swept back hair. And the voice, I mustn’t forget the voice. He sounds like someone’s superglued his teeth together. It doesn’t help that he acted like a right knob at Anfield either, or that he keeps fucking scoring. This shouldn’t count as a hat-trick either as no way was that second goal his. His shot was going towards one corner (probably going wide too) then hit Huth in his big dumb mush and went in the other corner leaving the keeper helpless. They’ll probably let him keep it though, as he’s Harry Kane, salt of the earth cockney lad playing for his local team and all that. Gawd bless the Queen, guv’nor. Fuck you Harry Kane.
Leicester made a real fight of it though and came back from 2-0 down to get on level terms. Wes Morgan actually found the net at the right end for once. That poor bastard has been as out of his depth in the Premier League as an Arsenal midfielder in the deep end at the local baths. The thing is, you can tell he’s probably different class when he’s in his comfort zone of the Championship. He’s like the Rob Earnshaw or Adel Taraabt of centre backs, he’ll be their player of the season next year.
Spawny Spurs eventually regained the lead with a dodgy penalty after Nugent was harshly adjudged to have fouled Rose and a flukey own goal by Schlupp looked to have made it safe with a few minutes left. As it turned out they needed that own goal as Nugent pulled one back in stoppage time.
Nasty Nigel Pearson was understandably pissed off at the penalty, saying he "found Mike Dean’s arrogance.... distasteful". He’s as completely lacking in self awareness as he is charm that fella.
Moving on, and Newcastle predictably didn’t do us any favours against Arsenal. They’re in typical spring form now, they do this every year the absolute wasters. No wonder Pards fucked them off. As soon as they’re safe they just fuck off on an early summer holiday, the pointless twats. Two Giroud goals in four minutes midway through the first half did the damage, although Sissoko pulled one back immediately after the break to at least make a game of it. Why’s Sissoko still there, he’s far too good to be wasting his career at Newcastle, he’s the one player they have who’s actually any good (actually Janmaat isn’t bad either).
That John Carver loser was at it again after this one, giving it loads about how they “won the second half” and patting himself on the back for getting them going at half time. He’s a right chancer him isn’t he? He’ll probably talk himself into the job permanently though, this is Newcastle after all.
Over at the Etihad, City had as easy a game as they could have hoped for against a Tony Pulis side as West Brom had a man sent off after 90 seconds. It was the wrong man too, as once again a referee embarrassed himself by not knowing who committed the foul. He sent off McAuley when Dawson had been the guilty party. How can this shit keep happening though? To be fair to the ref the pair do look vaguely similar, they both wear number twenty something and given the time it took him to decide to produce a red card he could even have been forgiven for forgetting which team had committed the foul, let alone which player. Why did he take so long? I always suspect in those situations they’re getting advice in the earpiece, but if that’s the case then why wouldn’t someone be telling him he’d got the wrong man?
It’s unforgivable in this day and age that this crap can happen. If there’s any doubt as to who the offender was he should be able to just ask the 4th official, and if he doesn’t know he can have a quick look at the monitor. It’s not about video technology or changing the rules, it’s about not being fucking morons. Give the refs some help for God’s sake, as they clearly need it. He had to know he’d fucked up because all the West Brom players were telling him.
Anyway, it was a walk in the park for City after that. They bladdered the West Brom goal and had like 300 shots on target or something stupid. They were close to breaking the record anyway. Only three of them went in though. To think we went into this weekend thinking we had a chance of catching them. There’s more chance of Lloyd Christmas hooking up with Mary Swanson now. So I guess I'm telling you there's a chance...
We need to be more concerned about Southampton than City. The Saints are just hanging about, picking up points and staying in touch with all the big boys. They beat Burnley at St Mary’s but the Clarets got hosed by the ref. Burnley started well and were on top but after George Boyd was denied a clear penalty it all went wrong as they slipped to a 2-0 defeat. Boyd has definitely overtaken Naismith now as the best shit player in the league.
Elsewhere, Palace won at Stoke despite falling behind to an early goal by Mame Diouf. A penalty by Glen Murray (dodgy decision) and a rare Zaha strike gave them the points as their resurgence under Pardew continues. Stoke were denied the most blatant of penalties though when Ward threw himself in front of a shot and saved it with both hands. Just what games are these refs watching?
Villa lost at home to Swansea. Sherwood has done great there so far and has proved that country to popular opinion you can actually polish a turd. You can only polish it so much though it seems. Gomis wasted three great chances but eventually got one right with three minutes left as Swansea’s good season continues.
Sunderland appointed Dick Advocaat to replace the sacked Poyet last week. Where did that come from? Did they pluck his name out of a hat? I mean come on, who sacks their manager and thinks “I know, let’s hire Dick Advocaat!!” Was Dr Jo Venglos unavailable? Seriously, what’s the thought process there, it’s just weird. The only way he’s going to keep them up is if Burnley don’t pick up another six points.
The Mackems looked like they were going to come away with a draw from West Ham but then conceded a last minute goal to Sakho. They’re in real trouble and they can’t expect to repeat last season’s great escape as they don’t have sweet smelling Fabio anymore, who decided he’d rather spend his Saturday’s shopping with his bird than playing football.
They do have Steven Fletcher though, who this week showed a complete lack of self awareness by posing for a photo of himself with his new £260k Lamborghini, which looked like something out of a Transformer movie. Maybe it can turn itself into three points, they could sure as hell use them. Sunderland are in dire straits, performances have been pitiful and their manager has just been canned. The last thing their fans need to be seeing is that photo, especially as there was also a Bentley worth £160k in the background.
Fletcher is just a bog standard Premier League player; not great, but not one of the worst either. He should be making a decent living out of the game but that’s just taking the piss. For someone of his level to be earning what he is is just fucking insane really. We become immune to it all sometimes, we casually reference that “so and so is on 60k a week” as though it’s nothing, but it’s only when you see something like this the whole disgusting reality of it all hits home. Most of us are struggling to find the money to go to games while average Joe’s like Fletcher are living like Michael fucking Jordan. Two seasons, seven goals, two cars worth just under half a million quid parked in a driveway of a mini mansion. Modern football.
Still, in Fletcher’s defence he didn’t put that picture online, the place that sold him it did apparently. So he could be much worse, he could be Karl Henry. If anything encapsulates all the negative stereotypes we have of these overpaid, self entitled Premier League footballers it’s this cunt:
“Clear message from @UKLabour: If you do well for yourself, we'll take it all from you and give it to those who haven't. #VoteConservative”
You’d think that someone with as little talent as this fella would just wake up and thank his lucky stars every day that he’s got the life he has and the money he has. But no, he’s whining about having to pay taxes because he’s “done well for himself”. He’s done well for himself in the same way a lottery winner has. The sad thing is he actually thinks he’s talented and deserves the ludicrous salary he’s getting. I don’t think as fans we really object to the top players getting paid what they do. Luis Suarez was getting 200k a week but I didn’t begrudge him that. If you’re at the very top of your profession you expect to be paid accordingly. Bottom feeders like Karl Henry shouldn’t be though, but seeing as how they are then the very least I’d expect is for them to be humble and appreciative of the fact they’re incredibly fortunate.
I expect a high percentage of footballers vote tory for the reason Henry mentioned, but to actively flaunt those views like he did is pretty outrageous. I hope he suffers a career ending injury in his next game and I make no apologies for saying that.
Henry achieved what few would have even thought possible. He had football fans everywhere (with the probable exception of Chelsea, obviously) passionately agreeing with Stan Collymore.
That’s it for this week then, as there were no games on Sunday. At least that’s what I’m telling myself and I suggest you do the same. We certainly didn’t lose at home to the Mancs that’s for sure. Chelsea didn’t move a step closer to the title with a somewhat fortunate win at lowly Hull either, and Everton didn’t secure their Premier League survival by winning at doomed QPR.
Dave
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