Chelsea clinched the title at West Brom on Friday and then picked up another three points on Monday when they edged out Watford in a seven goal thriller at Stamford Bridge. The West Brom game was close too, as Pulis had his side right up for it and they had chances to take the lead before eventually conceding late to Batshuayi.
There were all kinds of shenanigans going on afterwards though, mostly involving Costa who got smashed on champagne in the dressing room and then jokingly burst in (with Sideshow Bob) to cut short Conte’s post match press conference because it was holding up the coach and he wanted to get back to London and party.
Conte then sneaked back in because he’d promised the Sunday papers he’d speak to them, but Costa became increasingly pissed off and had to be prevented from setting off a fire extinguisher. To think I used to hate this fella. Now I just think he’s fucking hilarious and I’ll miss him if he goes to China this summer. Can’t believe I’m saying that, but I will.
He was rested along with a load of other first choice players for Monday night’s game and they even took Mongo out of cold storage and gave him a run out.
No surprise that he scored the opener, he doesn’t play much these days but when he does he often gets his giant fod on the end of something. He scored this one with his foot, but the giant fod point still stands. He then handed Watford an equaliser, which was not a surprise either as there’s a reason he doesn’t play much these days.
Chelsea went 3-1 up with goals from Azpilicueta and Batshuayi, but Watford surprisingly didn’t lie down and came back again through Janmaat and Okaka.
Prodl had been lucky to escape a red card earlier for a terrible tackle, but it looked like he was deliberately trying to get sent off as he picked up a second yellow, meaning he misses the game against City at the weekend. Stupid man bun headed twat. Probably got his dates mixed up and has a holiday booked for Sunday.
Fabregas got the winner with three minutes left and Chelsea are now on target for 93 points, which is outstanding really. For much of the season I was thinking that we’d have been able to compete if we’d kept our best eleven fit, but 93 points is hard to keep pace with.
I mean look at Spurs, they’ve won 16 of 18 at home so far, could finish on 86 points and with a goal difference of well over 50 and they’d STILL be seven points behind. In some other years that would have won them the title, but Chelsea have been fucking relentless since Conte switched to his preferred three at the back system.
Spurs have matched them step for step but that spell earlier in the season when Kane was out and they kept drawing did for them. They beat United at the weekend as goals from Wanyama and Kane put them in front before Rooney sparked a late fightback from the Mancs. Spurs held on for the win and condemned United to that sixth place they seem to have grown so fond of. That unbeaten run really counted for a lot, eh?
What a fraud Mourinho is these days. Chelsea finished 10th last year after eventually rallying from the mess he left them in before they fired him. A new man comes in and with more or less the same squad (plus Kante & Alonso) runs away with the league. Mourinho, meanwhile, takes over a team that finished 5th, spent £125m and has actually dropped them down a place. Now he’s trying to sell the League Cup and Europa League as success, even though he’s spent his entire time in England deriding both competitions. Mind you, he’s in good company as so have their fans. How the mighty have fallen.
Down at the bottom, Hull were relegated after they were smashed at Palace a day after Swansea had won at Sunderland. It’s a shame how it ended for them and Silva will almost certainly be off now as he’s too good for the Championship and will not be short of offers.
It’s ironic that Swansea saved themselves with a win over Sunderland, because it was a defeat to the Mackems that basically sabotaged Hull’s survival hopes a week earlier. Sunderland had shown some fight in that game but they were truly abysmal this week and looked like they weren’t arsed.
Pickford came for a free-kick and got nowhere near it as Llorente headed the Swans in front. Pickford has been brilliant this season but most of it has been shot stopping. I’m not sure if he’s any good dealing with crosses but this was really poor. He had no chance with Naughton’s screamer just before half time though.
Swansea weren’t even that good on the day and they did absolutely nothing in the second half, but Sunderland are so toothless they should be entering gurning competitions. Maybe then they could finally be competitive at something. I’m struggling to think of a worse team in recent years. It’s Defoe, Pickford and then a massive load of shite.
You may remember I said that my brother in law had stopped going even though he’s already paid for his tickets. Well he went last weekend because it was their last home game. He text me afterwards and said “worst performance I’ve ever seen from a Sunderland side, and I’ve seen some shite”. David Moyes, ladies and gentlemen. *sarcastic applause*
Bournemouth edged out Burnley in an entertaining game on the south coast. Stanislas put the home side ahead in the first half, but Vokes equalised with seven minutes remaining. Two minutes later King won it for Eddie Howe’s team, who have every chance of a top half finish now.
They’ve done well considering the way they blew all of their transfer budget last summer. Apparently they’re planning on spending £30m this summer on Ake and Begovic, so no lesson learned there then. Still, it beats the alternative, which is Chelsea sell them to China for double that.
The main observation I had from last weekend is that Boro are just so fucking bad, if we can’t beat them this Sunday then everyone involved, and I mean everyone, should be sacked. They were comfortably beaten by a Southampton side who hadn’t scored a goal in about six fucking months, or at least it felt like it.
Rodriguez and Redmond put the Saints 2-0 up and then Long won a penalty when he was brought down by the hapless Brad Guzan. He’s so bad even the Boro fans were chanting “OFF OFF OFF” but the ref correctly allowed him to stay on, which is a relief as they may have been forced to play someone half decent in his place at Anfield. You watch, here’s where the cave troll looking fucker has the game of his life now. It’s always the way.
Anyway, Long missed the pen and then that Bamford loser pulled one back and celebrated like it was a world cup winner. Your team has already been relegated, you’re losing the game but you’re happy and smiling from ear to ear like a fucking moron just because you’ve got a little moment of personal glory? Some next level selfishness that. He was still grinning like a goon in his post match interview too, even though they lost the game. What a complete cunt. Or am I over reacting?
Full disclosure here, the more attentive of you may recall I’ve got major beef with that posh looking, conceited little bastard going back years on the basis that he wouldn’t sign for me on Footy Manager. You might think that’s petty, but it’s as good a reason as any I’d say. When I saw that self centred behaviour you know what my first thought was? “I had a lucky escape with that one, I’m glad the cunt turned me down”.
City spawned a win against Leicester and had only a freak occurrence to thank for not dropping two points. Silva put them ahead although Leicester felt it shouldn’t count due to Sterling being offside and blatantly interfering with play. I’m not sure that applies as Sterling in the six yard box is about as much use as a glass cricket bat.
Then Sane was brought down for a penalty which was converted by Jesus but Leicester stuck at it and Japanese Dirk volleyed in a beauty to get them back in it . Then they looked to have levelled when Mahrez was brought down and stuck the penalty away himself. Unfortunately it was disallowed due to him kicking it twice.
Madley was right for once, although more often than not refs don’t give that decision so Leicester can feel a little aggrieved. I don’t like the rule and think it should be changed. Mahrez wasn’t looking to gain any advantage, he just fucking slipped. The fair thing to do is allow the pen to be retaken and that stupid rule definitely needs looking at.
Staying with the battle for the top four, and Stoke were our last hope of slowing Arsenal down and giving us some breathing space, but they’ve been on the fucking beach for weeks now, or at least some of them have. * points at Glen Johnson *
Crouchy did his best though and scored after coming on as a sub. Not only that but he smacked it in with his hand, the crafty bastard. Have I mentioned before that I love Peter Crouch? I have? Well I don’t care, a love as strong as this needs to be expressed as often as possible.
Arsenal winning that one at a canter has left us no wiggle room but in a way that’s probably a good thing. Knowing we had to win both games made it more straightforward. Needing only a draw can be problematic, especially when you get to the closing stages of a game and don’t know whether to stick or twist. The last thing I want to see this team of ours try and do is try and settle for a draw. We kept looking for more goals against West Ham and if we get one up against Boro I’d expect more of the same. let’s just hope we get to go a goal up, preferably early doors.
Arsenal followed that win up by beating Sunderland in midweek, although they made harder work of it than most expected. Not me though, for some reason as kick off drew closer I began to convince myself Sunderland were going to frustrate them and get a point. In my defence, you can never under estimate Arsenal’s capacity to throw in those random games when they let themselves down, but what I wasn’t taking into account was the Moyes factor. He’s just such a fucking loser… so yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking there.
While Arsenal were labouring to victory over Sunderland, City were cruising to one against West Brom. Initially I’d thought that game was at the Hawthorns and I had some hope that it might be uncomfortable for City. A quick look at live score and I see that not only is the game at the Etihad, but City were 2-0 up. Ah well, I guess we’ll just have to hope Watford can do something this weekend. What’s that you say, they’ve sacked yet another manager? Before the season has even finished? Fucks sake!
Onto Wednesday, and United bored their way to a bore draw with the other kings of the bore draw, Southampton. Not one for the purist that. United’s players didn’t look interested apparently (I wouldn’t know as I didn’t wat… well you know the drill), but when their manager is talking about how they don’t want to be playing these last couple of games and only care about the Europa Final, that’s hardly surprising.
I’m not going to watch that final, obviously, but I tell you I don’t think I’ve ever wanted them to lose a game more than this one.
Finally for this week, Spurs produced one of the best performances of the season to win 6-1 at Leicester. Kane scored four and Son got the other two. They’ve obviously learned from last season and have finished strongly this time even after the title had gone. If they keep their manager and hold onto their best players, Spurs aren’t going away any time soon, unfortunately.
In a way though that should provide hope for us. When it’s City, United or Chelsea doing well it’s easy to just look at the money they spend and think “how can we compete?”. But Leicester won it last year and Spurs are close now, so why not us one day? Right now though I’ll just settle for a home win over a team that’s already been relegated.
Don’t fuck this up Reds, or next week’s Round Up is going to be unreadable.
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