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So I was sitting in trap 3 at work. Some bloke goes into the cubicle next to me. While he is there crimping one off, he is drinking, nay slurping, a cuppa. In a china mug which I hear him set down in order to wipe. Fuck me. That's gross. Mental.

Happened to me a few times now and its such an excruciating pain. anyone else had it? Earlier this year we went on a minibus from our local pub for a brewery tour, great day loads of nice beer. A few trips the bog and one right before we set back off on the minibus and then 5 minutes into the trip back on the motorway I got that feeling... a few minutes later again its absolute agony, no way I was going to last the half hour trip back, made worse that the woman driving would not stop on the motorway. It got to the stage I was huddled in a ball in agony, all the lads laughing (taking the piss) in the end the sour faced cow stopped, moaning she would get a fine and I ran out on the embankment. It was like a fucking firemans hose, I nearly took off with the pressure,I finish off and look round and the cunts who where laughing had all jumped out for one themselves! It happened again recently, went to London, had a good few bevvies nothing mad, bog few times and one right before we left last the pub, got the tube back to where we where staying, walk down to the train and the feeling happens again. Its such an excruciating stabbing pain, then my mate informed me theres no toilets on the underground, it was the last train and all sorts of funny characters and goings on id normally be laughing at but couldnt look at anyone, had to sit breathing heavy with legs crossed like a girl, train stopped at the end and I sprinted up the escalators to a dodgy looking park for one. thing is im now more aware of this and any time im having a drink out im making sure there's not going to be any travelling involved, feel like an old cunt but at least they've got the right idea with their piss bags. anyone else had this? common at certain sporting events too.

Woke up in my mates house this morning on the sofa. It quickly emerged I had pissed myself. Luckily buddy and his brother had gone to work. I needed the Wolf. Fortunately I kinda wolfmanned myself and made a lot of good wolf like decisions. I removed all the coverings from the couch and fortunately the spongey bit was not piss damp. It had 2 covers so I grabbed some detergent and hand washed them, but just the pissed on bit. Fucking filthy they were, it wasn't just my piss, so in many ways I did them a favour. But then disaster! Their dryer didn't work. Fucksticks. So I took turns ironing and microwaving the covers for 45 minutes until they were half dry. I put the sofa cushion back together, used the cover I had as a throw and positioned the cushions just so that you would choose to sit on the other side of the sofa rather than move them if you were feeling appropriately lazy. Then covered myself and the couch in some Hugo Boss, ironed my pissy fiver, saw my future and got a cab home. Just because I am a character doesn't mean I have character.