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So we’re down to four. Three of whom would have expected to be in with a real shout of being there, and one that has gotten there off the back of beating a few pub teams and needing pens to beat a Colombia side minus it’s best player. The one decent side they faced beat them. I’m fully aware that I’m sounding like a bitter Blue here, but it is what it is. England in this World Cup is giving me the same helpless feeling I had watching United in the Europa League a couple of years ago, when they kept getting one crap team after another. England beat Sweden comfortably enough and there were some good performances from them, not least the Mackem pair of Hendo and Pickford. Both were outstanding. Have to feel for Sunderland really, they had more current/former players in the last eight of the World Cup than Real Madrid. They’ve had some decent players pass through there, but they were usually surrounded by dogshit so didn’t stick around long. As poor as Sweden were, Pickford still needed to make three crucial saves (two of them top drawer) to stop them getting back in it. Yet I’m seeing people talk about this England side like they’re 1970 Brazil. They aren’t, they’re a workmanlike group that are very adept at set-pieces and that’s seen them through so far. The fuss about Harry Maguire being a case in point. He’s alright, I’m not saying he’s shit as I’ve thought he was a decent player for a while. He’s not Bobby fucking Moore though. Other than Falcao (class player but his legs have gone) he hasn’t faced any striker of note in this World Cup yet his reputation has sky rocketed. It doesn’t help when Phil Thommo is banging the drum for us signing him. Why on earth would we do that? Putting him in our system would be like throwing a goldfish in a Piranha tank. And in case anyone has forgotten, the man people want Maguire to replace is having a pretty good tournament and he’s proved he can swim with the Piranhas (as long as he’s got the big shark alongside him). I keep thinking “they’re fucked as soon as they come up against anyone decent” but the problem is that hasn’t happened yet. They haven’t played anyone decent and now they face a Croatia side that has had to go to extra time and pens twice in a week. If the Croatian lads can even stand up straight when they play England I’ll be amazed. I’m already steeling myself for them reaching the final. Fucking nightmare this. Worryingly (for those of us not of an England persuasion), Croatia haven’t been much good since the group stages. They were class against a wretched Argentina side but otherwise they’ve barely done enough in their other games. I really thought they were going out against Russia when they conceded that late equaliser. It felt as though Russia just had destiny on their side. It’s felt like that all the way through this tournament actually, they’ve been punching well above their weight since the opening game. When they got that last gasp equaliser in extra time it just seemed like their name was on the trophy, or at the very least they would make the final. Then I saw who was taking the first pen of the shoot out and I thought ‘ok, maybe not’. That Smolov bum is the worst player in the tournament. I spent most of the Spain game absolutely cursing him for his shitness and he was no better in this game when he came on. He’s just terrible, a walking disaster. Whatever dosage they’d given him, they should have trebled it. A player as bad as that thinking he could pull off a ‘Panenka’ pen in such a huge moment offends me almost as much as someone as ugly as Harry Kane being as arrogant as Harry Kane. You don’t get to be arrogant when you look like Kane and you don’t take a pen like that when you’re as shit as Smolov. That's just how it is. Croatia were fucking jammy though. How that Modric pen went in I’ll never know. Spawny bastard. Three of Russia’s penalties were cool as fuck, and the old man at the back buried his with aplomb. The two that missed though... fucking hell. Smolov’s I’ve mentioned, but the Brazilian right back was just as bad. Total lack of composure from him, he just tried to twat it but he made poor contact and scuffed it wide. I felt bad for Russia. I know I shouldn’t, because I defo reckon they’re on the gear, but I warmed to them as the tournament went on. I like the big centre forward, I think that Golovin has been terrific and the old man at the back has been a fucking hero (own goal against Ramos aside). My head was telling me I wanted Croatia to win on the basis they’re a better side and therefore more likely to knock England out. As I was watching the game though I found it impossible not to root for Russia. They’re shite but they’ve got massive balls. Probably a side effect of all the PED’s they’ve been force-fed, but still, they’re a plucky bunch of lads and I ended up wanting them to go through. Juicing aside, these lads are more Rocky Balboa than Ivan Drago. I’ll forever be grateful to them for knocking out Spain and making Ramos cry. The previous day had kicked off with France seeing off Uruguay without any real drama. Without Cavani there was just too much on the shoulders of Suarez. Uruguay were bang up for it and there were some meaty challenges flying in during the first half. After one of them the French left back was rolling around and he rolled into the back of a Uruguay player, who turned and looked at him, waited three seconds and then decided to pretend he’d been knocked off balance and sat on him. Doesn't get any more Uruguay than that. The worst piece of shitbagging came from Mbappe though, who went down in embarrassing fashion holding his stomach after not being touched. Completely bizarre behaviour that. They were winning 2-0 and he had no reason to do it whatsoever. Probably just trying to impress Neymar for when they get back to PSG. Varane headed France in front but Uruguay almost levelled with a carbon copy, only Lloris made an incredible save. The difference in the game was basically just the keepers, as poor old Muslera then let one through his hands to end Uruguay’s hopes of a comeback. Keepers can win and lose you matches, which is why the idea of starting next season with Karius is fucking madness, but now isn’t the time or place for that discussion. Poor old Muslera. He’s had a good tournament (and has had a solid international career) but that mistake will haunt him forever now. This Uruguay team have had their window as they’ll be too old by the time the next World Cup comes around. Luis might not even have any teeth left, he’ll be running round giving spammy’s instead. It’s frustrating that we didn’t see them at full strength as they could have given France a real game and we were robbed of that by the injury to Cavani. Giminez was crying his eyes out while the game was still going on. He was stood in the wall for a free-kick just sobbing. Not gonna lie, I went full Phil Leotardo when I saw that. “I’ll tell you this, my estimation about Giminez as a man, just fucking plummeted. To cry like a woman? It's a fucking disgrace!” Speaking of disgrace, Neymar was sent packing and all anyone will remember of him from this tournament was his embarrassing behaviour. Every game he’s played he’s behaved like a massive twat and this was no different. Trying to get a penalty by running alongside Fellaini and kicking him before falling over was genuinely pathetic. It was so cringeworthy he got to his feet and pleaded with the ref not to go to VAR, probably because he knew it would result in a booking and a suspension. Not sure why the ref didn’t book him as he was onto the dive straight away and looked disgusted by it as he waved away the penalty claims from the Brazil players. By that point Brazil were 2-0 down but I thought this was a fascinating game in which both teams played well. Brazil have nothing to be ashamed of other than the antics of Neymar. Other big teams have gone home in disgrace having not performed. That doesn’t apply to Brazil, they were unlucky against Belgium and played quite well. They didn’t get the breaks though. They hit the post when a flick from a corner hit an oblivious Thiago Silva. Then they conceded a goal when a flick from a corner hit an oblivious Fernandinho. Sometimes the luck just isn’t with you. Belgium will feel they made their own luck though and they were a real threat on the counter attack until they ran out of steam midway through the second half. The first half was great though, they picked Brazil off at will and Martinez deserves the credit he’s been given for his tactical set up. Splitting Lukaku and Hazard wide and letting De Bruyne rampage through the space in the middle was a smart move. Of course it’s easier to set your team up like that when you’ve got three genuinely world class players filling those spots, but I’m not taking anything away from arl Bobby Brown Shoes there. Credit where it’s due, he played a blinder. Even so, despite Belgium’s threat on the counter Brazil eventually wore them down and were completely dominating the second half after Bobby came on. Coutinho missed a sitter but then created a goal with a sublime pass, and they were denied a clear penalty when the otherwise anonymous Jesus was brought down by Kompany after completely embarrassing Vertonghen with a glorious nutmeg in the box. I wouldn’t have given the penalty on first view, or even on first view of the replay, but the more you see that the more clear it is that it’s a foul. How did VAR not at least ask the ref to take a look at it? Brazil got screwed on that one I think. They had other chances too but the giraffe in the Belgian goal made some good saves to keep them at bay. He was all apologetic afterwards about his comments on Pickford and how they were taken out of context. Fuck off you long necked Postman Pat looking cunt. You know what you said and you know what you meant. Don’t back track from it now because people called you out on it. But since you are in such a contrite mood, where’s your apology for Karius, you fucking scab?

How did it take so long for Andy Robertson to get in the team? It’s bizarre when you look back on it. Klopp said that when he signed Robbo from Hull he told him what he needed to work on in order to get in the side. After a few months he still wasn’t getting a game so Robertson asked Klopp what he needed to do, and he was told “I told you when you came in what you needed to work on”. It was defensive play, apparently, which would be all well and good if it weren’t for the fact that Alberto Moreno was the man keeping him out of the side. Are we seriously expected to believe that Robertson was a worse defender than Moreno? While the Spaniard was improved on what we’ve seen in previous seasons, he wasn’t exactly tearing up any trees. On the odd occasion Robertson got a chance he did well, making it all the more strange he was left on the sidelines. He was man of the match on his debut (against Palace) and from what I recall I had him as star man in three of his first four starts. I haven’t gone back and checked on that, but fairly sure that’s the case. So it’s not like he was struggling in his early days. Of course we don’t know how he was doing in training though. What we do know is he had to wait until Moreno picked up a pretty bad injury before he got a proper chance, and when he got that chance everyone was wondering ‘how the hell hasn’t he been getting a game before?’. I thought Moreno was doing alright. Plenty didn’t, but I had a low bar of expectation for Alberto and he comfortably sailed over it. He was alright, I might have even stretched as far as saying he was quite good, but it’s only when you see the performances of Robertson that it hits home. “Oh, THAT’S what a proper left back looks like”. Robbo was very good and extremely consistent. He was never below a 7 out of 10 and usually he was an 8 or even a 9. He defends as though his life depends upon it and he’s great going forward too. He did have a little spell where his crossing was garbage, but he snapped out of it quickly enough and even managed to get a goal for himself on the final day. The moment when he really ‘arrived’ was that lung busting charge against City when he closed down about six players and ended up dispossessing that turd Otamendi in the right wing position. The refs bailed City out there by giving a foul, but it wasn’t a foul, Otamendi just shit himself and fell over. Robbo got a standing ovation after that and his name was chanted regularly from that moment on. He was phenomenal in the Champions League campaign too, including the final when he turned in a top drawer performance, highlighted by a goal saving challenge to deny Ronaldo. He’s fucking boss. Best Moment: The mad run against City. Worst Moment: 
 Being on the losing side in the final. If anyone deserved to win a European Cup this season it was Robbo. And Mo. And Bobby. And Milner. Rating: 9/10. Couldn’t possibly have asked for any more from him in a debut season. The Future? Other than injury it’s hard to see any way he’s not our first choice left back for the next six or seven seasons. Future captain too, unless Trent gets it first.

The Round of 16 got off to a blistering start with France and Argentina serving up a seven goal thriller. I didn’t think either team played particularly well but some of the goals were fantastic and there was plenty of drama, although sadly not much Maradona this time. Looks like the TV director made a conscious decision not to show him, which is a mistake. There should be a little box in the corner of the screen with Diego in it. Or maybe press the red button and have Maradona cam? Look at that picture. So much going on, yet we were denied seeing the full footage of it. Just watching poor Ronaldo shifting uncomfortably in his seat would have been more entertaining than half of the games we've had in this tournament. Ronaldo will have been disgusted by 57 year old Diego tongue wrestling with his 20 something blonde. Not as disgusted as Diego will have been by Argentina’s starting line up though. That was utterly self defeating. The strength of their squad is its forwards, but the stupid bald fuck coach left them all out and said “go on then Leo, away you go son”. No surprise that Messi was hardly in the game as he had nobody to fucking pass to. I exonerate him from blame completely this time. You can’t expect him to beat France with virtually no help. With the clown show they have in defence, scoring goals in their only hope. Imagine looking around that squad, trying to pick a line up and coming up with eleven players that doesn’t include Aguero, Dybala or even Higuain (even though he is a fat fraud). Messi must have been fucking fuming. They fell behind after Mbappe put on the afterburners and ran past everybody. The last time we saw a run like that in the World Cup was also against Argentina and it also led to a penalty. Mbappe in the Michael Owen role and Rojo was Pochettino. What the fuck was Rojo doing? I thought Mbappe made a meal of it and went down a bit easily, but it was proper shit defending from a proper shit defender. The only surprising thing was it wasn’t that turd Otamendi. Griezeman buried the pen having earlier been denied by the bar following a stunning free-kick. France were playing quite well, Pogba was pulling the strings and Mbappe's pace was scaring the shit out of the Argentina back four. It was fairly one sided but then out of nowhere the previously dreadful (and by previously I mean six years) Di Maria produced a thunderbolt to draw them level. They went ahead when that snide right back from Sevilla deflected in a shot from Messi. He’s a proper bastard him, never stops fouling and moaning. That applies to half of this Argie team though, not least Mascherano who if anything is even more ornery now than he was in his prime. He could have been red carded in every game he played in this competition. Love him. At that point I thought France were done but they hit back with the goal of the tournament from the least likely of sources. No, not Pogba, the right back who no-one had heard of before this tournament. That stunner from Pavard is one of the most aesthetically pleasing goals I’ve ever seen. Watching it in slow motion is utterly mesmerising, the spin on the ball and the trajectory it travels, it’s just fucking beautiful. Best goal of the tournament and it’s not even close. Mbappe then added a couple of quick fire goals and although Aguero pulled one back in stoppage time it came too late for Argentina to capitalise on it and they went out. Mbappe was great but he probably couldn’t believe how easy Argentina made it for him. They were incredibly naive in how they dealt with his blistering pace. That Argentina defence is dogshit and it’s hard not to look good against them but fair to play to Mbappe, he’s still just a kid so this was special from him. He is doing it against Otamendi and Rojo though, so let’s not get too carried away. Let's see how he does against Godin and Giminez. The goal Aguero scored late on just made me even more pissed off at that moron coach, because you see that and it just shows you what Messi didn’t have for most of the game. Messi picks the ball up and drops an inch perfect ball onto Aguero’s head from 30 yards away. Why would you not have given yourself that option from the start? That coach should be thrown in jail when he returns to Argentina. That’s probably where they found him anyway, the mean gangster looking bastard. What about that fucking turd Otamendi again though? Yes, I’m sounding like a broken record, but this guy is taking everyone for a ride. He’s the Donald Trump of football. You think, how the fuck is he in this position. Are people blind or just morons? Doesn’t matter how many fuck ups he makes, they’re swept under the carpet and he comes out smelling of roses. Argentina had just got back to 4-3 and had about a minute to find an equaliser. In that situation you need to keep the ball in play and the game flowing. So what does this dimwitted fuck do? Boots the ball at a player lying on the ground after the whistle has gone, sparking a big kick off that took all the sting out of the game for a good minute or so. It’s inexcusable, but he’s thick as fuck and makes stupid decisions all the time. This is the worst Argentina defence in my lifetime. They ship goals all over the place and Otamendi is the lynchpin of that defence, so what does that say about him? It says he’s shit. Onto the night game now and Ronaldo joined Messi in being dumped out of the tournament. Still, he was in it for a few hours longer than Messi and you just know he sees that as a victory. He did fuck all against that miserly Uruguay defence, and his free-kicks have reverted to type since that stunner against Spain. Shorts pulled up, puff out cheeks, pause for dramatic effect, twat it into the wall. It wasn’t as exciting as the earlier game but it was entertaining enough. Suarez was giving it the full Suarez. Three times he hit the ground holding his head after being hit in the back, and he was also committing niggly fouls all over the place to break up the play. He’d drive you fucking mad if you were a defender. He was also fucking immense though, especially after Cavani went off. Speaking of Cavani, I’ve not been complimentary towards old Skeletor over the years but credit where it’s due, he was great in this game, scoring two terrific goals and showing a fantastic work ethic (he always does that to be fair). Other observations from this one. Uruguay have a white lad with Kenny Powers cornrows. He must have some balls on him, being in a dressing room with proper no nonsense lads like Godin, Giminez, Rodriguez and Suarez, and he’s got fucking cornrows. Uruguay against France should be great fun. It’s going to take a monumental effort for anyone to beat Uruguay I think. They’re basically the Atletico Madrid of international football. It’s not just me saying that, Antoine Griezman agrees. He made a crack about them being like Atletico and that France should be prepared for all manner of shithousing. Pretty good that considering he plays for Atletico. Maybe he’s not such a massive helmet after all? Finally on this, Portugal were really poor again and that Guedes lad did absolutely nothing. He’s got a big reputation but he didn’t do a thing right all tournament. The Portuguese Timo Werner. In contrast to the previous day, the second day of the knockouts was fucking turgid. Both games were terrible and both went the distance. Russia were playing for penalties from the moment they got their equaliser. I don’t really blame them, they don’t have much quality to hurt teams like Spain and the best chance they had was to keep it tight and hope to nick something from a set-piece. That’s what happened too. They fell behind when old father time at the back was more concerned about watching Ramos than the ball and ended up scoring an own goal. The only way they were getting back into it was with a set-piece of their own, so when they had a corner but took it short and ended up back on the halfway line, I was fucking fuming. Up there with any of the most boneheaded decisions we’ve seen in this tournament. Don’t get too clever, play to your strengths. The next one they had went into the mixer, and lo and behold my boy Dzubar won the header and it struck the raised arm of Pique. Definite pen that because he had no business having his hand up there. The big fella buried the pen and then we had an hour or so of nothingness. Basically Spain passing it sideways and Russia sitting off and letting them. I totally blame Spain for this game being shit. Russia made their intentions clear so the onus was on Spain to break them down, but there was just no fucking urgency from them at all. So many of their games are shit because THEY ARE FUCKING BORING. Football purists love them, but sorry, they’re dull as fuck. I’d rather watch Iceland as at least stuff happens when they play. Other than a late effort that Akinfeev handled well, did Spain even have a shot on target? They’re a fucking joke. Swaggering round, passing it about padding their possession stats but not one of the fuckers is interested in having a shot. Ok, Costa is, but no-one bothers whipping in a cross or hitting the odd long ball to him once in a while because Spain think they’re above that. When it went to penalties it was obvious Spain were fucked because that meant actually having a shot, and most these knobs hadn’t done that since the tournament began. The other reason they were screwed is that De Gea is bizarrely shit at saving pens. Genuinely terrible. Two of them were right down the middle and he should have got something on them. Akinfeev saved two exactly like that, and that’s why Russia are through and Spain are out. I feel bad for Aspas, that poor lad has spent four years trying to live down that corner kick and he’d done a good job of rebuilding his reputation and making a good career for himself. Now he’ll be remembered as the man whose penalty miss saw Spain knocked out. Still, he made Sergio Ramos cry, so he’ll do for me. Vamos, Iago!! So Ramos is on his way home but Big Dejan is still there. Only just though. Croatia were shite against Denmark. They were disjointed and looked like they’d never played together before. I think the occasion got to them, which doesn’t bode well for the rest of the tournament. Denmark were the better side but despite that I feel as though justice was probably done in the end because of that certain goal Croatia had taken away with a couple of minutes left in extra time. It’s fucked up really. The rules need looking at because in the first week we had a Colombia player red carded after two minutes for blocking a shot with his arm. He was 12 yards out and the keeper was behind him trying to get across. He probably wouldn’t have got there but can we say that 1) it would have been a certain goal, and 2) it was a deliberate handball? That decision changed the entire course of the group and therefore the tournament. Japan are in the next round at Senegal’s expense. So that’s a red card, but Jorgensen brings down the Croatian lad about four yards from an open goal. That was as certain a goal as you’ll ever see. It may well have been an attempt to get the ball, but he also knew that come what may he wasn’t letting the lad score. It worked out perfectly for Denmark because Schmeichel saved the pen from Madrid. A red card for Jorgensen at such a late stage wouldn’t have really made any difference, but it can’t be right when you see the different punishments for those two offences. It all worked out in the end because aside from good red Simon Kjaer none of the Danes could take a pen. The Croatians were a bit shit too, Schmeichel looked like he was going to save every one, not least because he was charging off his line before they were taken. Cheeky bastard even had the balls to complain that Kramaric stuttered in his run up. To be fair he had a great view of it as he was only about three yards away from him when he took it. Brazil went through with a predictable 2-0 win over Mexico. Don’t they beat Mexico 2-0 at every Word Cup? It feels like it. Mexico were really disappointing but it’s hard playing against Brazil as they suck the life out of games with the gamesmanship and I’m fairly certain that Neymar has caused more stoppage to this tournament than VAR. Absolute cunt he is. If he’s not diving he’s attention seeking. At one point he stood still with the ball, bringing the game to a complete stop. He was giving it the old ‘everyone look at me, I’m about to do something boss’. Then he tried to take the Mexican player on the outside and just got completely had off by him. He was in a running battle with the Mexican right back Layun, who was clearly getting pissed off with all the theatrics. He left a bit on him a couple of times and was then involved in a contentious incident when he was trying to retrieve the ball and stood on Neymar’s ankle. That was the signal for Neymar to start contorting himself like he was being violated with a cattle prod. I reckon even Pepe watched that and thought ‘bit much that like’. He’s the worst thing about this entire World Cup, my hatred for him is off the scale now. Almost as bad as what Neymar did were all the fucking weirdos saying the Mexican lad should have had a red card. Fuck right off. At the absolute most it’s a yellow and even that would be extreme. He didn’t stamp on him, he barely even trod on him. The end of his foot was on Neymar’s ankle but no pressure was applied. He probably knew what he was doing (I don’t think it’s a clear cut as others are claiming though) and he had defo been needling him, but if you think that’s a red card then you’re watching the wrong sport. Couldn’t believe Clattenberg saying it was a red. Genuinely shocked me that did. All these fucking drama queens going on about ‘serious foul play’ and ‘stamping’. Just fuck off with that shit, you’re as embarrassing as Neymar. Tell who else is embarrassing. Hernandez. Can't believe I said in a previous round up that 'maybe he's finally grown up'. It's funny though really, because if you'd asked me before the tournament 'which 30 something footballer will bleach his hair white for the knock out stages' he'd have been number one two and three on the list. Anyway, Neymar tapped in Brazil’s first and Bobby came off the bench and tapped in the second. Won’t be enough to get him a start as the coach loves that City lad for some reason even though he’s done fuck all. Can’t say I’m even arsed, because not even Bobby is going to make me root for a team with Neymar in it. They play Belgium next, but it was oh so nearly Japan. Poor Japan, that was heartbreaking for them. When the ball was on the floor they were more than a match for Belgium. Even Martinez realised this and changed his tactics. With the ball eight foot in the air now, Japan couldn’t compete and a 2-0 lead was quickly wiped out by two headers from high crosses. Japan rallied and were pushing for a late winner when they got done with a glorious counter from one of their own corners. Like watching the Reds that was. Have to wonder why Japan, the Anthill Mob, are slinging in a high corner like that. They were never going to win it. Play to your fucking strengths lads. Short corner, clever one two, low cross into the six yard box. It’s not rocket science. I just felt terrible for them though. They didn’t deserve that, they were great to watch and really took it to the Belgians. Their fans stayed behind to clean up after themselves and the team also left the dressing room spotless. Great bunch of lads. Prior to that game Courtois had proved once again what a massive twat he is. He pissed me off a few weeks ago with his lack of support for Karius, and this week he was ripping on Pickford for the goal he conceded against Belgium. “He’s 10cm shorter than me”. Yeah, only because Pickford doesn’t have a fucking giraffe neck, you big goon. "I would have caught it. He was too busy throwing his legs in the air." So much for the goalkeeper’s union. The Japan left back is ace. No wonder the building in Die Hard was named after him. As an aside, I don’t like countries who play in different colours to their flag. Japan playing in Navy bothers me. Should be a white kit with red trim. I completely forgot about Sweden / Switzerland and 25 minutes had gone before I remembered. Not that I missed anything. I couldn’t be arsed with this game. The problem is they’re both too dull to root for and too inoffensive to root against. I just don’t care about either of them. Switzerland were terrible, Sweden were a bit better. They’re solid and well organised. They’ll take England to pens I reckon. As did Colombia. But they fucking blew it, the knobheads. England going out on pens after conceding a 93rd minute equaliser would have been great. Instead they’re in the fucking quarter finals and I’ve got to listen to another week of knobheads saying “its coming home”. I felt bad for Hendo when he missed, and I didn’t want his kick to be decisive, but I’d have accepted it if it meant they went out. I knew he’d miss the second I saw him doing keep ups as he walked up to the spot. You don’t do that, it’s asking for trouble, trying to portray a confidence you don’t really feel. The pen wasn’t even that bad, except he might as well have handed Ospina a note telling him exactly where it was going. He was so focused on where he was going to put it that he never even bothered trying to disguise it at all. Hopefully he learns from this and puts it away next time. And hopefully one or two of the others don’t. It's too much to ask for Kane to miss, he's as close to automatic as there is. Dier's pen was almost as bad as his overall performance. Ospina should have saved that, the tit. I’m not going to bore you all with my reasons for wanting England to lose. Some of you will relate to them, others won’t. It’s fine. I respect anyone’s right to support England, I hope they respect my right not to. Ultimately, I think the simplest and shortest way to explain it is that the people who would be happiest with England winning are the people I really don’t want to see happy. S*n readers, Little Englanders, fans of every other club side in the country (anyone who isn’t Liverpool can fuck off), Boris Johnson, Farage, Tommy Robinson and his goon followers… all of those would be on cloud nine if England won, and I just don’t want to see that. I want to see them miserable. The game itself was a bit shit and some of Colombia’s antics were a disgrace, not least when they conceded a stupid fucking pen (honestly, how thick do you have to be to do that to Kane after what we’ve seen already this tournament?) but managed to delay the taking of it for three whole minutes. Not just that, a couple of them were scuffing up the penalty spot while others distracted the ref. Shocking stuff. Not gonna lie though, I was kind of impressed. I wasn’t impressed with how they played though. They were fucking shite. Colombia without James Rodriguez is like Christmas without presents. They were lucky to get that last gasp equaliser and although they were the better side after that, they didn’t do enough. The big centre back Mina has had a great tournament though. How come Colombia fans outnumbered England by about three to one? Usually England take hordes of morons to these tournaments. Where are they all? Were they scared off by the shoeing they took from those Russian loons at the last Euros? England have a chance at winning the whole thing, but to do so they’d probably still have to beat Brazil / Belgium and Croatia. Eventually they’ll come unstuck. Won’t they? They’d fucking better.

All the shouts about us needing a 20 goal a season number nine, and it turns out we had one all along. 26 goals to be precise, but Firmino is so much more than just goals. The goals are almost a bonus. If he hadn’t scored any our front three would still have had 64 goals between them and Firmino is the one who links all of that together. The front three as a unit are the best in the world and Firmino is the man who makes it all tick. He isn’t as effective when either Salah or Mané are missing but then they aren’t as effective without him. Thankfully that’s rarely a problem as he’s Mr Indestructable and never misses games, Did he miss a single game through injury this year? He’s like a machine, almost Suarez-like in more ways than one. When reviewing Bobby’s season it’s hard picking out individual moments or performances, his consistency is such that it feels like we get the same performance from him virtually every time he sets foot on the field. He’s at his best when it’s an open game and there’s space for us to play in. The Arsenal game back in August springs to mind, he was everywhere that day and although others got the goals and the glory, Firmino’s fingerprints were all over everything. He always excels against Man City too, not least because City will try to play out from the back, which is suicide against a busy little bastard like Bobby. Against the more defensive sides it’s more difficult for everybody, and at times Firmino’s desire to get involved takes him too far away from the penalty area, but these are things Klopp needs to figure out. The key to Firmino’s success has been surrounding him with players who can capitalise on the great work he does. He’s a great player in his own right, but without Salah and Mane a lot of what he does would lead to nothing. Klopp has done wonders assembling that front three. I’m not big on stats but if I were I could blow your mind right now with all sorts of figures about what Bobby does. Others may score more goals, but in pretty much every other category no-one coms near him. Distance covered, tackles won, assists, number of sprints, winning the ball back in the final third, no-one comes close. There are better number nines out there, but none who are better suited to how this team plays. He signed a new contract not long ago and if he sees it out, and if the team is successful, Firmino will be one of the all time greats. Best Moment: Hard to choose as there were so many great Bobby moments, including all of his goal celebrations. I think my favourite was the goal at City when he showed that fraud Otamendi up for what he is by robbing him and then rolling it into the corner. Worst Moment: 
 Mo going off in the final. Firmino suffered more than most without him. Rating: 9/10. Great season, we couldn’t have possibly asked for any more from him. The Future? Beyond this season who knows. Eventually Barcelona will be looking to replace Suarez and Bobby will no doubt be high on their list. Will he buck the trend of most South Americans and turn them down? I wouldn’t bet on it, but no point worrying about that until if and when it happens. He’s here this season so here’s hoping we get more of the same from him.

Germany failed to grab the lifeline given to them by Toni Kroos against Sweden and they flopped out of the tournament with an embarrassing loss to South Korea. I didn’t want Germany out so soon but the longer this game went on the more obvious it became that they deserved to be sent packing. In the end I was almost glad they were out, not because it gave me any joy, but because they were so inept they had no business going through. They’ve been wide open in every game they’ve played and the only thing that spared them from being humiliated was how wasteful their opponents have been on the counter. Watching the South Koreans squander break after break after break was doing my fucking head in. The Reds would beat this Germany side 10-0. You’d almost accept being so wide open if you were creating chances at the other end, but Germany were just so ponderous and predictable. The more I watched them the more staggering it became that Leroy Sane was left out of the squad. And the more I watch Julian Brandt the more I can’t believe he isn’t starting. He’s looked dynamite every time he’s come on but Low keeps picking losers like Ozil and Draxler. Then there’s Timo Werner. What a flop he’s been. Fucking bad ‘Captain Tryhard’ him. Loads of endeavour but very little guile. He’s like a quicker Dirk only without the goals. They were just a complete shambles but as shite as they were they had their chances to win it before their stoppage time implosion. VAR proved to be their undoing but a draw was no good to them anyway. Still, without VAR they’d have had six minutes of injury time to get the winner so that decision was crucial. I'm not a fan of it overall but it does have its uses and on occasions like this it has proved to be invaluable. It was impossible for the ref and linesman to have seen that the ball had come off Kroos, so without VAR that goal doesn’t stand. What happened after that did my head in. What the fuck was Manuel Neuer doing, and more to the point, who the fuck does he think he is? What a fucking tool. Keepers going up for corners at the death is fine, but taking yourself upfield in open play? What’s the point? Him doing that means someone else has to stay back to cover, so essentially he’s saying he’s a better outfielder than some of his team-mates. Ok mate. Seeing that soft cunt fannying around near the Korean box did my head in so I was made up when he got caught out and Son scored. Germany’s entire World Cup experience has been a train wreck and most un-Germany like. That was a fitting way for them to be sent packing. I spoke to my Dad after the game. “What do you make of Germany going out then?” “That's what they want you to think. I’m still not writing them off”. Ok, not really, but I bet he’s thinking it. Wenger is the favourite to succeed ol’ Bogey Love. And with that, Germany will complete their full transformation into Arsenal. In the other game, Sweden spanked Mexico and ended up topping the group. Hard to believe having watched their two previous games. Funny thing is Germany finished bottom. Brazil went through comfortably enough with a 2-0 win over Serbia. Coutinho was their best player again and he created the opener for Paulinho. Whatever we may think of Coutinho and the manner of his exit, he's quite a humble, shy lad who doesn't crave the limelight. If he did, he'd be the star of that team because he's better than that fucking show pony Neymar. Serbia had started well and that goal came almost out of nowhere. The Serbs had a great spell in the second half and for ten minutes they had Brazil on the ropes. Alisson was flapping all over the place and Mitrovic missed a glorious chance. That was Serbia’s moment and they didn’t grasp it. Thiago Silva headed in from a Neymar corner shortly after and that was that. Neymar repeatedly pointed to his own chest to make sure everyone knew it was his cross that made the goal. For the rest of the game he was playing on his own, desperately wanting to get a goal for himself. He makes Ronaldo seem like Bobby Firmino, this selfish cunt. He was diving all over the place again too, holding his face after being grabbed by the shoulder and also doing approximately 32 rolls after being tripped. I fucking hate him. He’s the worst thing in this entire competition, even worse than Harry Kane. Massive twat. Switzerland drew with Costa Rica to secure second spot. Didn’t watch it, don’t have anything to say about it. Switzerland doing what Switzerland always do, sneaking out of the group almost unnoticed before losing on pens in the next round. They’ve got Sweden next so they might buck that trend, but probably not. My prediction is that will be the dullest game of the last 16. Not exactly going out on a limb there, I know, but Uruguay v Portugal also has stinker written all over it. Onto Thursday now, and there was drama in Group H as Senegal went out on yellow cards. I should feel sorry for them, yet for some reason I don’t. I thought they were shite in the second half against Colombia and just didn't do enough. They started the game very well and Colombia looked in real trouble, especially when James Rodriguez went off injured. Senegal were dominating them, they were first to every ball and seemed to want it more. Colombia couldn’t string more than two passes together and it seemed only a matter of time before Senegal made them pay. The longer it went though the more ragged Senegal looked and when they conceded from a corner they never looked like they had it in them to force equaliser. They tried, but the final pass or shot was lacking every time and it was frustrating to watch. Still, Japan going through at their expense isn't ideal. The fate of this entire group was determined when the Colombian lad got sent off two minutes into their opening game. Japan picked up three points they wouldn’t have normally got and even though they lost to that awful Polish side they still went through instead of Senegal. That game ended in farce as Japan just passed it around in their own half while Poland stood off and watched. Can’t blame Japan for doing that and can’t really blame Poland for not pressing the issue considering they were winning the game. It’s not good though is it? I don't have a solution to it, I just know it leaves a sour taste in the mouth. Senegal can’t complain too much though because had they beaten Japan they wouldn’t have had a problem. I’d have much preferred to see them playing in the last 16 as they have enough about them to cause anyone problems on a good day, but they were unlikely to beat Belgium so it doesn’t really matter I suppose. It gives Sadio an extra four days rest, so there is that, but Belgium have basically got a bye into the quarters after this. Which makes it all the more surprising that Martinez wanted to lose against England to get second place. That would have meant playing Colombia rather than Japan. Ok, it also means Sweden or Switzerland in the quarters, but looking that far ahead is risky. Bobby Brown Shoes even admitted before the game that winning wasn’t his priority, and his team selection reflected that. So did England’s though. I watched it because I had to. I did it for you, and for these round ups. I hope you appreciate the things I do for you. I really, really didn’t want to watch this as what was the point? It was a glorified friendly. Watching the other game wasn’t an option. There was as much chance of me watching that Love Island bollocks as there was me tuning in for Tunisia and Panama. Did anyone watch that? Anyone at all? Trent playing at least provided some interest. He was excellent too, probably England’s best player. Yet he was subbed for Danny fucking Welbeck. Is there a more pointless player than Welbeck? He brings the entire mood of a crowd down just by his presence. The only goal of the game came from Adnan Januzaj. Remember him? The best 18 year old in the world. The lad United fans begged up as being better than Raheem Sterling. He’s done fuck all for five years but here he is, popping up in Belgium’s reserve side to beat England. Nice goal too, albeit ably assisted by Danny Rose and that blueshite in goal. Only England could lose to a team that didn’t want to win, although it may end up working to their benefit in the long run if they can beat Colombia. It’s funny though, all the “it’s coming home” talk I’m hearing on the radio, from fans who before the tournament didn’t give them a chance. What’s changed? They needed a stoppage time set piece to beat Tunisia, they hammered one of the worst teams to ever play in a World Cup and they lost to Belgium reserves. Suddenly now they can win it? At least we got to see Batshuayi’s moment of ill fortune after the goal. That was the best bit of the entire night, and to his credit he was happy to take the piss out of himself on twitter afterwards. He’s one of the most entertaining players on social media, seems like a good lad him. One other thing I noticed in this game. I saw Eric ‘Dire’ covering his mouth as a few players spoke over the taking of a free kick. This putting a hand over the mouth when talking thing pisses me off. It’s crept into the game and I don’t like it. I mean I get it. There are so many busy bastards out there who would be lip reading and then posting it on social media, and I understand it’s prudent to do it in certain circumstances, such as opposing players speaking at full time when it might not be something they would want the whole world knowing about, but most of the time it’s just fucking stupid. There is absolutely nothing this big fucking crab Dier could say that is of any interest to anybody, the big boring insignificant bastard. He’s Jon Obi Mikel, that’s who he is. He was stood over a free-kick, I mean what the fuck could he possibly have been saying other than “one of you boys take it, I’m shite”. Hendo should be massively offended that it was ever even a debate who should play the holding role. This is almost as insulting as when Rodgers tried to swap him for Clint Dempsey.

Sadio had a great season but he was usually little more than an afterthought because of the incredible exploits of his two fellow frontmen. 12 months ago Mané was our player of the season (despite some weirdos thinking it was Coutinho) but this year he was even better. He scored 20 goals and was involved in a load more. Yet in terms of our player of the year he wouldn’t even be top five. That shows the progress of the team. Sadio got better this year yet this time he was far from being our main man, so that's a good thing. He’s a strange player is Mané. A video showing his best bits would make him look like a superstar. Yet you could make a compilation of his worst bits that would make you think he was a competition winner playing in a Soccer Aid match. He’ll trip over the ball while running, pass the ball straight out of play, hit a shot out that goes out for a throw in and in a game this season I remember him trying a header that missed the target by about twenty yards (pretty sure he'd already scored in that game and was playing very well too). You rarely, if ever, see Salah or Firmino doing these kind of things. To be fair, you don’t see Mané doing them often, but he does do them. He can be erratic but when he gets it right he’s fantastic. 20 goals in a team isset up more for others to be main goalscorers is a great return. Mané is one third of the best forward line in club history. That's my opinion but it's also backed up by facts. No front three in the history of the club scored more goals in one season than Mané, Firmino and Salah did this year. They all play for eachother and Mané has definitely sacrificed himself a little to help the team and in particular Salah. Mo is encouraged to be in the box as much as possible, Firmino is the number nine so will always get his share of goals, but it’s Mané who often plays a little deeper to create openings for others. His role this year was much different to last season when he was primarily a goalscoring right winger. With Salah now occupying that role (and trebling the output Sadio managed), Mané took the old Coutinho ‘inside left’ positiion. He’s a different type of player to the Brazilian but to my untrained eye the role itself didn’t necessarily change too much. Often Sadio would come infield and act as a playmaker, allowing the left back to bomb into the space he vacated. Generally it worked very well, but Mané had some indifferent spells during the season. The red card at City was harsh and very unfortunate. He had to go for that ball and he was a millisecond away from getting there first and making it 1-1. It was bad enough he had to miss the rest of that game but sitting out the next three on top was a massively excessive punishment for what was the most minor (and unintentional) of crimes. It affected his early season rhythm and took him a little while to get back into the swing of things. In Europe he was brilliant but his Premier League form was patchy. He had another dip in form following the Anfield derby when he wasted a great chance to make the game safe when instead of squaring to Firmino he tried to shoot with his left foot from an unfavourable angle and got it horribly wrong. We ended up drawing 1-1 and a lot of fingers were pointed his way after that. His confidence seemed to be knocked after that and he wasn’t himself for a while. Klopp was frequently asked about the form of Mané and he tended to dismiss the question and insist there was no problem. He later revealed that he didn’t speak to Mané about any of it because as far as he was concerned there was no problem with his form and he didn’t want the player to think there was. The great thing with Mané is that even when he isn’t playing well he contributes. He’s always involved in something. A goal, an assist, a piece of skill that leads to an assist for someone else or he might win a penalty. Even in that spell when he was clearly not playing with confidence he was still chipping in with valuable contributions. An obvious example was at Burnley when he was having a stinker but still scored a cracker. A hat-trick in Porto kick got him going again, and by the end of the season when Salah and Firmino were beginning to show signs of fatigue, Mané was absolutely flying. He was our best attacker in the final few games of the season and got on the scoresheet in the Champions League final. He’s a big time player who delivers in the highest profile games. He’s very good but there is still plenty of room for him to get even better. This year it was all about Salah and Firmino, who’s to say next year Mané won’t be the one making most of the headlines? He's certainly capable. Take away the City incident and the mid-season loss of form, and he'd have been close to 30 goals this year. Best Moment: The goal against Man City in the 4-3. Worst Moment: 
 Not squaring that ball in the derby or the red card at City. Rating: 8/10. Very good, just not as good as Firmino or Salah. The Future? He’s a key player already and has room to take it up another level. He might need to, because if and when Klopp brings in another wide player (as he simply must do) then it’s not going to be the lad who scored 44 goals who is sweating on his place, so that means Sadio is most under threat. I expect he’ll respond well to that and kick on again.

England looked impressive in their second match, albeit against arguably the worst World Cup team I’ve ever seen. Fucking Panama. *shakes head* Utterly hopeless they were, they were more concerned with sniding it up than defending. Proper dirty bastards they were, although I need to temper any criticism of that given how much of a hypocrite it would make me. I mean how can I have a go at someone for smashing Jesse Lingard in the gob considering I’ve spent the last two years harping on about how punchable his face is? Diego Torres just lived my dream. Harry Kane might be the spawniest footballer of all time. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great centre forward, but fucking hell, he’s had two tap ins, two pens and a total fluke and now he’s the leading scorer. Such a jammy twat. I can’t be doing with all the over the top praise he’s getting for 1) being lucky and 2) being able to take a boss pen. Even Trent was at it, tweeting “Harry Kane is on (insert flame emojis)”. Unless he was just fantasising about setting fire to him. Yeah, I’ll go with that. If defenders want to try and belly to belly duplex him on every fucking corner then Kane will not only win the Golden Boot, he’ll smash every tournament record in the process. What the fuck are these knob heads doing? Tunisia got away with it a few times in the first game and the Swiss completely mugged Mitrovic without being punished, but VAR got hammered because of those and refs are going to be on the lookout for them a lot more now (as we’ve seen since). The ref in this game could easily have awarded another two or three pens because Kane was being bear hugged on every single set-piece. Maguire too sometimes. It’s difficult for the smaller nations to outplay the bigger ones, I get that as there’s a gulf in talent. It’s not too much to ask for them to defend a fucking corner without slapping people in bear hugs though. Credit where it’s due though, England are doing well but let’s see how they fare when they come up against a team that can defend set-pieces. Eight goals so far and only two from open play. People might want to think about that before getting too carried away. Hendo played well again, as did Trippier. I want to dislike him because he’s keeping Trent out of the team but it’s hard when he is asked who his favourite Neville is, Gary or Phil, and he says “Tracy”. Fair play. Credit to Sterling too for still managing to look shite even against such hopeless opposition. Takes some doing that, as Panama were so bad that Loftus-Cheek looked like Ruud Gullit. England against Belgium should be interesting though, particularly as finishing second in the group might be better than winning it. One game I won’t be paying any interest to is Panama against Tunisia though. Doubt if I’ll even bother watching the goals, let alone the highlights. Pair of shit bastards, wasting everybody’s time. Let Phil Neville commentate on that one. Senegal / Japan was entertaining but the draw didn’t really do Senegal much good because they’ll probably need to beat Colombia now to go through. Sadio opened his account for the tournament with a brilliant finish, cleverly anticipating that the keeper was going to parry a shot and getting himself into the perfect position to place it into the corner with a first time strike with his shin. Great goal. “He does get a bit of luck, Sadio Mané” said Kevin Kilbane. Fucking bitter blueshite bastard. Japan equalised with a lovely goal of their own through Inui. They also hit the bar after another slick passing move. Senegal restored their advantage through a thumping finish by Wague but they were pegged back again by substitute Honda. Japan now only need a draw against Poland to go through, and given how shite Poland are it’s difficult to see any way Japan aren’t in the next round. Bet England end up getting them, get all excited about the easy draw and then lose on pens. As much as I want Mané to do well, if it’s a choice between Senegal and Colombia going through then sorry, Sadio, I’m all in on the South Americans. They were great against Poland and are up there with Mexico now as my favourite team in the competition (my Iranian boys notwithstanding). “Hamez” Rodriguez is fucking great to watch, Cuadrado is superb (lolz at Chelsea again) and I really like Quintero too. He’s like a Diet Coke “Hamez” but that’s no bad thing. Falcao has still got it too. Maybe not the speed, but the instincts and the finishing. Lovely goal from him, my mate John described it best when he said it was “Usher-esque”. High praise indeed. Poland offered virtually nothing but the few chances they did have brought good saves out of Ospina, who needed treatment after every one of them. Presumably for shock. The Poles have been so bad though in both games. I thought that Zielinski lad was meant to be good but he’s been invisible. Lewandowski has been shite too. Bet he’ll be petitioning FIFA to see if he can get a move to the German squad for the knock out stages, the disloyal fuck. The Colombian fans are the loudest so far along with the magnificent Argentinians. What an atmosphere those Colombia fans generated. They were so loud I could barely hear Ally McCoist and John Champion. Shame they haven’t been around any time Phil Neville has been on duty. Valderrama and Higuita were sat together in the crowd, both sporting the same hairdo’s they had when they were playing. I fucking love that, more ex players should go down that road, although there is a risk of looking ridiculous in some cases (see exhibit A, Gerry Francis). The rule of thumb is if you had boss hair as a player, keep it. If it was shite then change it. When the camera panned in on those two it was one of the best moments of the entire tournament, I was ridiculously excited about it. Just looking at the photo makes me smile. Onto Day 12 now, which was the start of the third phase of games. Uruguay dealt with Russia easily enough to ensure they topped the group. Suarez whipped a free-kick into the bottom corner to open the scoring and they went 2-0 up thanks to a wicked deflection. The Russians then went down to ten men when their full back produced a moment of rank stupidity to pick up a second yellow. Why would you do that when you’ve already been booked? Is he on drugs? Ok, silly question, we’ve all seen the distance covered stats. There was something fishy about this game though. It’s almost as though Russia wanted to finish second. One of their players in the wall deliberately cleared a space for Suarez to shoot and as I said, the sending off was bizarre behaviour too. Uruguay were in cruise control after Russia went down to ten but eventually added a third when Cavani tapped in late on. Three games, no goals conceded. They’re going to be a tough nut to crack, whereas Russia are going out in the next round. Be interesting to see what all their loony fans do when they go out. There hasn’t been a peep from them so far, but they’ve waited years for this and I can’t see them not causing murder at some point. The other game was a dead rubber with only pride at stake, but that’s the one I watched because of Salah, who gave Egypt the lead with a quality touch and finish. He then missed a sitter, although it would almost certainly have been ruled out for offside after a VAR review. An absolute joke of a penalty decision gave the Saudis the chance to level but justice was done when the old fella in goal brilliantly saved it. Hold on…. *checks wiki* … Phew. yeah he’s five months older than me so I stand by the ‘old fella’ comment. Panicked for a second there in case he was younger. The ref seemed desperate to help the Saudis out though and awarded them another joke penalty. He appeared to have a heated exchange with the lads watching the video but he stood by his decision and even booked the defender. Someone wants to check his bank account. This time they buried the pen and after that they were the better side. Egypt didn’t look particularly arsed and strolled through the rest of the game before conceding the winner with the last kick of the game. Poor Mo, he looked miserable as fuck and didn’t even smile when he scored. Everything has turned to shit for him over the past month. It’s just been one shit thing after another. Go and rest up, sweet prince, and we’ll see you in a few weeks and let’s fucking make everyone pay next season. Portugal got through by the skin of their teeth, as usual. Quaresma gave them the lead against Iran when he curled in a beauty with pretty much the last kick of the first half, causing a jizz tsunami in St Albans (long time forumites will know). Drogba said at half time that Quaresma used to do that in training all the time when they played together at Chelsea. Wait, what? Quaresma was at Chelsea? I have absolutely no recollection of that whatsoever. It shouldn’t surprise me as I reckon 75% of all players at this World Cup have been laundered through Chelsea’s books at some point. The second half was just pure farce. Between the inept ref and this VAR bullshit, not to mention players and coaches from both sides constantly screaming for everything to go to the video, it was ridiculous. It added to the drama but it was still shit. Portugal were awarded a pen after the ref initially waved it away. I didn’t like that one bit, but if I’m being truly honest with myself it was mostly because it was Ronaldo and Portugal. Had that gone Iran’s way I’d have said it was a stonewall pen. The truth is actually somewhere in between. It probably was a pen but it wasn’t one you’d expect to get every time. The problem for me is the ref saw it clearly and said no pen. Then he gets the little voice in his ear telling him to look at it, and he’s 100% going to give it then because the mere fact the video refs have got involved puts pressure on him and implies he’s got it wrong. Have we had even one case yet where a ref has not given a pen, been told to review it and then still not given it? That isn’t even what I dislike most about it. It’s the period of time that passes in between a non-decision and whether we discover whether it’s going to the video or not. I hate that. We can already see the impact this shite is having by the ridiculous number of penalties we’re getting. We aren’t even out of the group stages yet and we’ve already seen a record number of penalties. Iran’s penalty makes a mockery of the whole sport. Again, the ref ignored it but as soon as he’s asked to look at it he changes his mind, because of the implication. If that’s handball then why even bother about interpretation, just change the rule so any time it hits someone on the hand it’s a pen, irrespective of context or intent. Then we’ll have players twatting it at each other from point blank range to get pens and we’ll be getting five pens a game, plus the one or two other VAR awarded spot kicks for minor contact. Don’t get me wrong, I celebrated Iran getting that and scoring it, but that doesn’t mean I think it’s right. Imagine the uproar if Iran had taken that late chance instead of hitting the side netting? Portugal (and more to the point, Ronaldo) would have been knocked out by VAR and there’d have been murder. Yes, I know the ref still has the final say, but as I just mentioned, as soon as he’s told to look at the video he more or less knows what he has to do. The Ronaldo potential red card was a little different. That went to the video too but the ref knew he had the option to go yellow or red. Of course he could also have given nothing, but that was never happening…. because of the implication. He had to do something. Ronaldo could have actually gone for that because it was overly aggressive and he intended to catch the lad. Not a clear red by any means, but had it been someone other than Ronaldo who knows. I mentioned in a previous Round Up how much I loved Iran out-shithousing Spain and they did the same to Portugal. It’s not easy outdoing Ramos, Costa, Ronaldo, Pepe et al but they did it, and I fucking loved it. Also a big fan of how they swarm around the referee any time a decision goes against them. If it were one of the big boys doing this I’d hate it, but I love how Iran have just taken the fight to everyone and used any little edge they could find. They just lacked a bit of class in front of goal but some of their play has been great and unlike some other sides who’ve gone out they’ve given absolutely everything. Ultimately, they were six inches away from knocking out Portugal and they should be proud of themselves. There is one upside to Iran going out though. The fucking fans with those vuvuzelas. It’s not 2010 you annoying fucks. In the other game Spain were given an almighty fright by Morocco and needed a stoppage time equaliser from, wait for it, Iago Aspas. Initially it was given as offside but VAR came to Spain’s rescue. It was the correct call and these decisions are so tough for the linesman as we’re talking inches. My boy Amrabat was disgusted though. He found the nearest camera and said “VAR is bullshit”. I agree, but I’ve got much less of a problem with its use in this game as 1) it was the right call and 2) using it for offside doesn’t disrupt the flow of the game too much. That doesn’t mean I want it to stay. To me, football is all about that moment of exploding euphoria when the ball hits the net. I saw how this VAR thing ruined the celebrations for West Brom at Anfield in the cup and for that reason I’m out. When a goal is scored I want to go mad, I don’t want to sit around waiting for it to be confirmed or ruled out by a replay. Fuck that. I don’t want to get too bogged down on VAR though as that’s an article all in itself really. Spain aren’t looking good though are they? If Aspas hadn’t saved them and if Iran had converted that late chance would that have knocked out Spain or Portugal? They’d have had the same points and goal difference, and drew in the head to head. Presumably it would have gone on yellow cards then. The point is, the other teams in the competition should not be scared of Spain. They should be scared of Portugal though, just because of the massive spawn factor. Day 12 now. France and Denmark was fucking turgid. So much so that after 50 minutes I decided I’d had enough and went to sit in the garden and enjoy the sunshine. No way was I sitting indoors and putting myself through any more of that. I hate this France team. I expect Denmark to be a bit dull, but France should be so much better than this. How can you have so many boss players and be so fucking terrible to watch? I’ll tell you how. Didier fucking Deschamps, the the water carrying, Beaker from the Muppets looking dull bastard. You know who should manage France? Eric Cantona. That way if the game is shit we can just watch him pull funny faces into the camera and be entertained that way. Massive turnaround from me on that guy. Hated him so much for so long, but now I'd just love to be his mate, he's fucking boss. In the other game Peru finally remembered where the goal is and put some finishing touches to their fine approach play to see off Australia. Carillo has been good all tournament and he got the first, with Guerrero also getting one. The night game was great. Full of drama and tension as well as some good football. I wrote Argentina off after their loss to Croatia. I didn’t think they were capable of beating Nigeria and I was almost right. I’m made up I wasn’t though. I’ve mentioned before how I’ve always had a soft spot for the Argies. When they beat England in 86, the 13 year old me was wearing an Argentina kit and rooting for them while all my mates were supporting England. There’s just something about Argentina that draws me to them. The kit is great, the fans are fucking amazing and of course there’s Diego. He caused quite the stir during this game. In some respects its sad and you wonder whether the cameras should stay off him, but then imagine what we’d be missing out on if they did? There was manic Diego, out of body Diego, sleeping Diego, dancing Diego and bird flipping Diego. I love each and every one of them. I loved him when I was a kid and I still love him now. Can’t help it. I do worry for him though. He was clearly coked off his tits (there was powder all over the place after the winning goal) and I’m not sure his heart will last until the end of the tournament if Argentina stay in it. And hopefully they will, for another round at least, as they’ve got France next. The problem for Argentina is that they’re a bit shit. If Messi is on it they’ll always have a chance, but the rest of the side is fucking muck. I’ve never seen the fuss about Higuain, and Di Maria rarely gets it done these days either. At least the new keeper they’ve brought in doesn’t look like he’s been dragged out of the crowd and handed a pair of gloves, so that’s progress I suppose. Ultimately though it’s all about Messi and whether he can pull them through. He was class in the first half and his goal was exquisite. The first touch, the second touch and then the finish. Made it look easy but there are few players in the world who could have done that. Lovely ball by Banega too, who definitely made a difference for them. The pacy sub, Pavon, looks alright too. Mascherano was all over the place but I thought he was really hard done by with the pen. Not much in that at all for me. Victor Moses was incredibly cool in the way he rolled it in, I didn't expect that so credit to him for holding his nerve. Shame he didn't show the same composure in stoppage time at Selhurst back in 2014. After that it was all pretty desperate from Argentina and it could easily have gone wrong for them. They survived a strong penalty appeal when, for the first time in the tournament (I think) a ref was told to look at it and he ignored 'the implication' and said ‘no pen’. It could easily have been given as it was terrible header by Rojo and obviously the ball clearly hits his arm, but the clincher for me is that the ball still dropped perfectly to Ighalo and he fucked it up. If Rojo’s heading it onto his own arm had denied a clear chance then I could have gone with the penalty call, but Nigeria had their chance and Ighalo blew it. Well done ref. Higuain predictably wasted a great chance late on and time was running out. Then out of nowhere Rojo appeared in the box and produced a brilliant volley with his weak foot. Of all the ways Argentina could have won this game, that was one of the more unlikely. I’d have it sandwiched between the keeper scoring and that fraud Higuain actually delivering when it counts. The scenes when that goal went in were what a World Cup is all about thouhg. It was boss, I loved it. As a general rule I find myself rooting against most of the bigger nations. I’d happily have seen England, Brazil, France, Spain and Portugal all go out in the group stages, but Germany and Argentina are the exceptions to that. I’m not saying I want them to go all the way, but I want them in the knockouts. A World Cup doesn’t feel like a World Cup to me without either or both of them in the semis at least. It’s bad enough Italy aren’t here but if those two had gone out in the groups that would have been a huge downer for me. Tell you what though, I’d shit a lung if Brazil went out today, especially after last week when Croatia beat Argentina and the Brazil fans came up with a song gloating about Argentina going out. “Messi Ciao Ciao Ciao” indeed. Jumped the gun a bit there. In the other game Croatia beat Iceland. Lovren conceded a pen, which was smart from him. Get that out of your system in a game that doesn’t matter. I like it. Big Dejan is gonna win the World Cup, strut into Melwood, walk up to Ox and go "Who do I think I am? Who do I think I am? A fucking World Champ, that's who".

My Mum loves him, my Dad hates him and I’m somewhere in between. I like Gini but he does my head in a bit. Sometimes he looks great, other times you wouldn’t even know he was on the field. Away from home especially he rarely seems to stamp any kind of authority on the game. Maybe that’s partly due to the job he’s asked to do, but when he isn’t playing, whoever is in his place is usually in the thick of everything. Whether it was Emre Can, Ox or Milner, you always knew they were on the field. With Wijnaldum that’s not always the case. When he’s good he’s very good though, which is what frustrates me about him. He had some great games, particularly in Europe. He was fucking brilliant when he came on for Ox in the first leg against Roma, and he finally broke his away duck in the away leg in Rome. He’d been good in the away leg at City too, playing as the number six in the absence of Hendo. His composure on the ball got us playing in the second half that night after we’d been ropey in the opening 45 minutes. That came off the back of a good performance at Goodison in that same sitting midfield role. In this review last year I mentioned in the ‘future’ section I’d like to see him more in that position. He only got to play there a few times but he does look a natural there. It suits him because he’s good on the ball in tight situations and he can move it quickly. He’s quick too, so can cover counter attacks. Most of his appearances have been in the more advanced role though, and he can do that too when he’s on his game. Can he do it as well as the players he’s going to be competing with, and more to the point, can he do it consistently? Nothing we’ve seen so far from him suggests that is the case. I hope he proves me wrong as he seems like a sound lad. Best Moment: Scoring in Rome. Worst Moment: 
 90% of his performances away from home? Rating: 6/10. Alright, not bad, can do better. The Future? Klopp seems to really like him and when he’s at his best you can see why. The increased competition for a midfield spot is surely going to impact on Gini more than most. He’s not getting in ahead of Hendo or Fabinho for the holding role (even though that’s probably where he is best suited), so that leaves him competing with Keita, Milner, Lallana, Ox (when he returns) and maybe Nail Fekir (or an alternative) for one of the two box to box roles. Hard to see him getting much of a look in there, but then we don’t know if either Milner or Lallana will move on or whether we’ll get another midfielder. My gut feeling is Wijnaldum is in a bit of trouble if he doesn’t up his game significantly, but he’ll still be here when the season starts.

I’m sure you’ll be glad to know things are back to normal and there’ll be no more rooting for Ronaldo and cheering his goals from me. To my relief I now know for certain that it was purely 'a Sergio Ramos thing’ because I was back to cursing Ronaldo when he put Portugal ahead against Morocco. That turned out to be the only goal of the game as Portugal did what they did in the last Euros - played shite but stole a win. So tedious and given some of the players they have it’s almost inexcusable. They’re fucking shite but they never seem to lose. Really can’t be doing with them though and they better not win the damn thing. I don’t think they will, but then I didn’t think they’d win the Euros either. Boring bastards. Morocco were comfortably the better side but they didn’t have a cutting edge and that was the difference. Put Ronaldo in their team and they’d probably have won 3-0. They played well but they’re out now, having lost both games and failed to score a goal, unless you count the one they stuck in their own net against Iran. Without doubt the best bit of this game was Pepe’s outrageous shithousery after being tapped on the shoulder. This man has no shame at all. He knows the world is watching but he gives no fucks whatsoever. If you’re an opponent what the hell do you do about someone like that? You’d want to kill him. I honestly don’t know how he’s survived this long. The thing is though, it would be so easy to stamp this out yet there’s clearly no inclination by anybody to do it. If a player goes down holding their face when they haven’t been hit in the face, just ban them for five games. Simple. They’ll soon stop it. We’ve got the technology to completely eradicate this so fucking use it. This is defo worse than diving for a penalty as the sole purpose of anyone doing this is to try and get an opponent sent off. Speaking of diving for penalties though, Ronaldo embarrassed himself with a bad one. The dive was pathetic enough but then he made a TV gesture demanding VAR. Probably just wanted to catch a look at himself on the big screen, the vain twat. Uruguay also stunk it up in the second game of the day. That was a dreadful display against Saudi Arabia but just like Portugal they got an early goal and then shut it down. Boring to watch but they won’t care. Suarez scored on his 100th cap but otherwise was shite again. I never watch Barcelona so I’ve seen very little of him since he left, but he doesn’t quite look the same player to me and seems to be carrying a few more pounds than normal too, but it might just be that kit. It's not very flattering like. That result sealed Egypt’s fate which means Mo will get a decent rest before pre-season. No-one will want to face Uruguay with that defence and the front two though. Based on their opening two games, no-one will want to watch them either. Almost as dull as Portugal. Almost, but not quite. The night game also finished 1-0 and wasn’t great, and yet I was really into this one. It was fantastic seeing Spain get some of their own medicine and I was rooting hard for Iran. I thought they were fucking great. I especially loved the shithousery of the the first half, beating Spain’s cheating bastards at their own game. The keeper hitting the deck after Costa stood on his toe was glorious. Seeing Costa gesticulating at him and complaining to the ref was hilarious. Like seeing a playground bully getting decked by a nerd. Round of applause for that keeper. Bravo sir. I mentioned after Spain’s first game what a fucking hypocrite Pique was for complaining about Ronaldo diving, and seeing Ramos, Busquets and Costa all in the refs ear at half time, bitching about Iran’s playacting and time wasting was further evidence of Spanish double standards. Fuck Spain, I’ve changed my mind now about wanting France to fail more than anyone else. It’s Spain, get them cunts out ASAP. If they play France, then Vive Le France and Allez Pogba. Iran though, love them. They’re my boys now, I’m all in on them knocking out Portugal in their next game. Imagine. What? It could happen. Spain are better than Portugal and my boys ran them close, so why not? They were only beaten by a complete fluke from Costa but other than that they defended like heroes and when they went forward they played some really nice stuff in tight spaces. They had a few chances too but it just wasn’t their night. It would have been great if the offside goal had stood but it was the correct decision and we can’t blame VAR for that as it was the linesman who disallowed it. What the fuck was that throw in at the end all about though? I’m not sure what annoyed me most, that he even attempted that stupid forward roll thing in the first place, or that he did it and then didn’t see it through. He wasted about 30 seconds thinking that over, and by the time he took a normal throw in the final whistle went. In terms of boneheaded moments, that’s right up there with the Tunisian centre half dribbling the ball out for a stoppage time corner against England. Funny watching Bilic and Ian Wright go at each other afterwards. It got pretty lively and you could see Wright got genuinely annoyed at Bilic taking the piss out of him. Keep an eye on that situation throughout the remainder of the tournament. Could turn nasty that. Prior to that we had Roy Keane talking about a bust up he had with Iran coach Carlos Quiroz and expressing his regret over it. It was perfectly set up, it appeared as though he was going to say “its one of my biggest regrets that I didn’t handle it differently” only he goes “it’s one of my biggest regrets that I didn’t tear his head off…. but tactically he’s a great coach”. Completely deadpan, no smile, he meant every word. The rest of the panel just sat there giggling. Day 8 was much of the same. Dull. At least the first two games were. Denmark against Australia had its moments but Denmark were really disappointing, especially in the second half. The early goal they got from Eriksen was class, but they didn’t build on it and the spirit of the Aussies was impressive again. They possibly even deserved to win, although I thought the pen they got to equalise was incredibly soft. What made that even worse was the Danish lad was booked. Ok, the ball hit him on the arm and technically his arm was outstretched, but he had no idea what was happening there. His team-mate missed a header and the ball hit him. Not a pen and definitely not a yellow card. Didn’t like that decision at all. I’ve been surprisingly impressed with Australia though, especially considering the utter lack of talent in their ranks. I don’t mean that as a dig, it’s more of a compliment than anything. If any team is punching above their weight in this competition it’s them. They’re better than they ought to be, but it’s probably not going to be enough to get out of the group, although a win over Peru would give them a chance if Denmark lose to France. Speaking of France, they continued the theme of big nations playing crap and squeezing out a 1-0. I was disappointed with Peru though. They had a go and played some decent stuff but rarely looked like scoring. It’s the same for most of the smaller nations. They can all pass it about and get themselves out of difficult situations with neat one touch passing, but none of them have anything in the final third and that’s proving to be the difference. France put together two or three nice moves but the goal was a bit lucky and for the most part they were shite again. Maybe these teams are just pacing themselves and will click into gear in the knockouts, but I’d say it’s more likely that they’re just not very good. Take the night game for example. Argentina were fucking hideous and for long spells Croatia weren’t much better. So many basic errors from both teams, it was absolutely terrible stuff. Yet it was entertaining as hell and I especially loved how they were kicking the shit out of each other. A proper old fashioned game of footy this was, but the lack of quality was glaring at times. With one notable exception (and I don’t mean big Dejan). I mentioned in the first Round Up of the tournament that we used to have this Argentinian lad who played footy with us back in the day and he was just miles better than the rest of us. Well that was Luka Modric in this game. He was class but all around him it was players just making mistake after mistake. Pitiful stuff. In that first half Modric was just majestic, but it looked like he’d been dropped into a Sunday League game. It was terrible, players just passing the ball straight into touch, missing sitters and giving the ball away needlessly. They were all at it. Except for Modric who was imperious, and Messi who was invisible. What the fuck was that about? I know he never shows his club form for his country, but it’s usually not for the lack of trying. In this game he was just walking around, not even showing for the ball half the time. You could tell during the anthems that something wasn’t right. He looked stressed to fuck and his body language was all wrong. He’s really done his legacy no favours so far in this tournament. I’ve always been on his side in the Messi / Ronaldo debate (to the extent that in my mind it shouldn’t even be a debate), and although I’ll always be ‘Team Diego’ I couldn’t argue too vociferously against Messi being the best ever. The more I think about it though, the less credibility he has. He’s the most naturally gifted player ever but is that enough? Ronaldo has made himself what he is through sheer hard work, ego and single mindedness. Yeah, he’s an arrogant, selfish, vein, posing twat and he’s a lot less likeable than Messi, but I’m willing to accept now that it is at least a legitimate argument as to who is better. I’m still with Messi but if my life depended on one player delivering for me, I’d take Ronaldo over him, so maybe I should be rethinking my stance on who is better? I dunno. A mate of mine always refers to Messi as ‘that Chelsea enabling twat’ after he missed a penalty that allowed Chelsea to go on and win the Champions League. It’s an interesting take, because there’s no way Ronaldo is missing in that situation. His mentality wouldn’t allow him to. Messi doesn’t have much of a supporting cast with Argentina but look at who Ronaldo plays with for Portugal. I don’t want to get too bogged down with the tedious Ronaldo / Messi argument though, but one thing I’m now sure of is that I’m right to have Maradona above Messi, because there’s no way Diego would have been this passive in a game when his country needed him. Maradona wasn’t happy about how clueless and dispirited Argentina were and he took a shot at Messi afterwards. “Our leaders are not leaders now. Messi doesn’t have that personality. It’s a shambles. He took pictures with a goat. You’re not the goat (greatest of all time), win something first.” Ouch. Reputation aside, Messi probably should have been subbed he was that ineffective. Instead, Aguero got the hook even though he’d made more of impact on the game. They brought on Dybala but look at him jogging back on Croatia’s third goal. Fucking disgraceful that, he’d only been on 15 minutes or so but Croatia’s players were running past him on a counter attack. Most of his defenders had gone up front for the set-piece and he couldn’t even be arsed running back to help out. That Argie coach is terrible though. He doesn’t know what he’s doing and probably only got the job through intimidation because he looks like he ‘knows people’. What an intimidating looking fucker he is, prowling up and down the touchline like a caged tiger. He got more and more agitated as the game wore on and when he took his jacket off you knew someone was in trouble. Bet he went fucking mad in that dressing room afterwards. The obvious target would have been Willy Caballero. That was a howler and a half (stunning finish by Rebic though) but it’s not like the team were playing well and it was his mistake that killed them. They were all shite, he’s just the one who got caught out. It’s mad how a football nation like Argentina is relying on goalkeepers and defenders as bad as these losers. How does youth football work over there? I can only assume that all the good players are told to play nine or ten, the ones who aren’t very good play in midfield and all the proper shite ones are defenders. Those who don’t play at all are dragged away from what they’re doing and forced to go in goal. You know, I have a lot of opinions on footy and I’m not conceited enough to think they’re all correct. In fact, I daresay loads of them are complete nonsense. One opinion I know is 100% accurate though is that Otamendi is a fucking liability. Anyone who doesn’t see that Otamendi is crap doesn’t know football, including Guardiola. He’s shite. Onto Day 9 now and Brazil left it late against Costa Rica. They were really struggling and I was loving it, but two stoppage time goals got them out of jail. Fair play to Neymar, he managed to make it all about him in true Cristiano Ronaldo style. Coutinho was the match winner but Neymar’s crocodile tears at full time ensured the cameras were only on him. I hate him. I hate him more than I hate Ronaldo, because as much as Ronaldo is a dick he’s earned the right to be. What’s this overhyped fuck done to justify the way he carries on? Diving little preening shithouse. Best bit of this game was the ref giving him a pen and then taking it away after seeing the replay. Not sure why he needed a replay in the first place as it was a ludicrous dive, but it was worth him giving it just to see him take it away. For the second game running Brazil looked much more cohesive when Firmino was on the field, but their coach seems like a stubborn bastard and will probably keep picking Jesus. Good. It means I don’t have to feel bad wanting them to lose. Nigeria bounced back from their dismal opener against Croatia by recording an impressive 2-0 win over Iceland. There wasn’t much in the first half but after the break Nigeria put a few decent moves together and Musa scored two great goals and only the bar denied him a spectacular hat-trick. Don’t know why it didn’t work out for him at Leicester but he’s obviously a good player. Iceland had a chance to get back in it but Blueshite launched a pen into orbit and that was that. The result keeps Argentina’s hopes alive but they need to beat Nigeria in their final game and frankly I don’t give them a cat in hell’s chance. Not because Nigeria are any good (I’m not having them. Victor Moses? Alex Iwobi? Jon Obi Mikel? Nah) but because Argentina are clearly broken. It wasn’t just that they lost to Croatia, it was the manner of it. You don’t just go out in the next game and put that right. Their problems are too deep rooted. Iceland are probably done now. They have to beat Croatia but even if they do it might not be enough. This is probably the most interesting group though going into the last round of games. I reckon Nigeria will sneak through with Croatia. Tell you what though, some of those Iceland players are strikingly handsome aren’t they? Particularly the right winger. His face appeared on the screen and without even thinking just muttered “fucking hell”. Incredibly good looking fella that, it was like looking in the mirror at my younger self. What?? Fuck off. It was no surprise when the commentator said a bit later on that he’s a part time model as well as footy player. A quick bit of research tells me he has gained 330,000 followers on Instagram since his late cameo against Argentina. I’m not one of them, before you ask. Honest. In the night game, Switzerland came from behind to beat Serbia, a result that means it’s still possible for Brazil to go out if Serbia can beat them. Mitrovic put the Serbs ahead with a brilliant header but Xhaka’s thunderbolt evened things up and Shaqiri got a late winner. He whipped his shirt off, presumably in response to people saying he’s fat. Not sure it worked though. His tits don’t lie. Xhaka and Shaqiri are in hot water over goal celebrations that have some political meaning. The fuck are they playing at? They’re Swiss, they’re meant to be neutral. Did they not get the memo? Onto Day 10 and Belgium laid down a bit of a marker by spanking Tunisia. Lukaku got two, so did Hazard and Batshuai missed about six clear chances before eventually putting one away. Belgium have got as much talent as any team in the competition and before it started I did a results predictor and I had them getting all the way to the final and then losing to Germany. Then I had to check myself when I remembered who their coach was. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t see Martinez as a World Cup winning coach. He’s just too shit. His team are looking good though at the moment and that should be a good game against England. Mexico won again, and it wasn’t really as close as the 2-1 scoreline suggests. They’re good, and they’re entertaining. I like how they play and their fans are great. That Lozano lad is brilliant. The run back into his own box to make a goal saving challenge was one of the best pieces of play I’ve seen at the tournament so far. Boss that was, the kind of thing Kloppo would be going mad celebrating on the touchline about. Love seeing an attacking player do that. We should sign him, he’s a proper Klopp player. Son played well for Korea and deserved his late goal, but they’ve been pretty poor overall and there’s no way they’ll give the Germans any problems in the final game. Mind you, that game was so nearly going to be irrelevant until Toni Kroos came to the rescue in stoppage time. What a dramatic ending that was. The whole game was fascinating I thought. It wasn’t a classic, mainly because Sweden didn’t really want to attack, but the stakes were high and it was in the balance all the way through so there was loads of tension. Ozil was dropped. FINALLY!!! Apparently he got loads of shit from the German media after their opening game and Mario Basler said he had the body language of a dead frog. Yeah, and the eyes of a live one. Hummels was out too, although he was injured. Blessing in disguise because it meant Rudiger played and he’s better anyway. Unfortunately for the Germans Boeteng was there too and he had a fucking ‘mare. The ref sending him off was a blessing in disguise. It put him out of his misery and Germany actually played better when they went down to ten men, that’s how bad he was. Keane's disgust at Boeteng at both half time and full time was palable. Sweden completed six passes in the opening ten minutes. Crazy statistic that, especially as despite this they had a great chance to score. They had another chance soon after that should have led to a penalty. Blatant shove in the back on Berg just as he went to shoot. The video refs must have been making a brew or something. The ref needed help there and he got none. It was mad though, Sweden had virtually none of the ball but any time they did get it they looked like scoring. The next chance they hd his the net, as Toivanen ran unopposed through the centre and finished with the aid of a deflection that looped it over the keeper. Germany clearly learnt nothing from the Mexico game and all the same failings were there again. Bogey Love was just sniffing his fingers on the touchline all night. He's a bad wrong un that fella. I think they'll figure it out but I'm not as sure as I was after the Mexico game. I was rooting for Germany to win because I tipped them to win the tournament and didn’t want to have egg on my face. There was a part of me wanting Sweden to do well though just because they told ‘Zlatan’ to fuck off when he tried to come out of retirement. They were just so cowardly after Germany went down to ten that they deserved nothing and I wanted Germany to get the winner, so I was made up when Kroos smashed in that free-kick. Last week I described the Sweden captain as looking like ‘Steve Redgrave’s older brother. I was wrong, he’s more like a blonde Tony Soprano. Final observation from this, Draxler is shite. I've never seen him do anything and Brandt has done ten times as much in two late cameos than this fella has done in any game I've seen him. As for the pundits, I thought Zabaletta was good. He can come back, I like him. Phil Neville continues to irritate. “There hasn’t been a bad game in the tournament so far”. Fuck off. Most of them have been shite I reckon. Maybe it’s just me, it could be that I’m spoiled by watching the Reds. Maybe these games are alright and only seem dull because of how entertaining our games are? We’re stuck with Neville but at least that cunt Evra has gone. You know, in a way I’ve got to give him credit. I find it irritating when players I’ve hated show up on TV and come across as likeable, articulate and interesting. Full disclosure, I like Frank Lampard these days. Even worse, I like Rio Ferdinand. They both seem sound. Evra actually managed to do the opposite. I think even less of him now than I did before. He’s a massive fucking tool. His farewell speech and that stupid shout “I LOVE THIS GAME”. Just get off my TV you fucking slouching fuck. Can’t even sit up straight when he’s on telly. And what’s with the shitty clobber? Just throwing a random dickie bow on with whatever outfit he happened to be wearing. ITV have invited you on, the least you can do is make an effort, you annoying bellend.

Day 4 saw Serbia get off to a winning start as Kolorov’s superb free kick saw off Costa Rica. They were worthy winners and if that Mitrovic loon could finish they’d have won much more comfortably. Serbia looked decent. They’ve got some good players, particularly that Milinkovic-Savic lad from Lazio who the Mancs are meant to be after. He looks a class act and I’m sure Jose just can’t wait to drain all of that flair out of him. He’s got his first name on his shirt but in this case I’ll allow it as he’d either need to have a shirt the size of Tranmere defender Ste McNulty’s to be able to fit his surname across the back of it, or they'd have to use font so small you'd need to be a hawk to be able to read it. And as far as I'm aware, hawks can't read. Hopefully Serbia will win their next game too so we might see the rare lesser spotted Marko Grujic get a run out. He’s a really good player I reckon but he probably shouldn’t have come here as he was never going to play. The last two years of his career have been wasted. This happens to so many promising foreign youngsters that a move to a top six club in England should come with a government health warning. Next up on Sunday, Germany got turned over in the afternoon game. Cracking fun this one and Mexico were really good. It was mad just how open Germany were to counter attacks though and if Mexico were actually any good at them they’d have won by more. They kept making a mess of them until they finally got one right and scored. Brilliant move it was and it was well finished by the lively Lozano. Everton want him, apparently. Yeah, good luck with that. They had other chances but eventually Germany figured it out and shut the back door. The longer it went the more the Germans came into it but they never really clicked and Mexico’s work rate was impressive throughout, not least my boy Hector Herrera in midfield. He was one of my favourite players at the last tournament and he’s started this one with a bang. Great performance from him. My boy. I didn’t see this result coming at all but it doesn’t really shake my belief that Germany will win the tournament. This might even give them the kick up the arse they need, as the way they started this game reeked of complacency. No room for that now, they're in win or go home territory already. I’m sounding like my arl fella now, as when I was a kid every time the World Cup or Euros came around I’d hear the same shit from him. “You can never count out the Germans” or “My money is on the Germans, they always find a way to get to the final”. It used to piss me off, because this was happening even when they were clearly shite. The thing that really annoyed me though was that even when they were shite they usually did somehow end up in the final and then I’d have to hear “you see, I told you, never write off the Germans”. A lot of English people hated the Germans because of the wars and the fact they nearly always knock England out of major tournaments. Me? I hated them because they kept proving my Dad right. I’ve seen a lot of people writing them off this year, even before this game, and I’ve found myself spouting some of those same tired old clichés I heard throughout my younger years. They weren’t good against Mexico but I expect they’ll figure it out as they go. They usually do. "Don't back against the Germans". I like Mexico though. They were lively, positive and their fans are great. Along with Peru they’ve generated the best atmosphere so far. Rafael Marquez came off the bench and the commentators were waxing lyrical about how this is his fifth World Cup. Jogi Low was like, hold my beer, here’s Mario Gomez playing in his ninth. I’m not sure how many years I’ve been doing these round ups for the big tournaments, but I do know that in every one I’ve been staggered when I discovered that Gomez was still in the Germany squad. Feels like he’s been in their set up since Euro 96. Miroslav Klose must be pissed off at being left out in favour on someone even older than he is. *googles* Mario Gomez is 32?? FUCK OFF! Not having that, he’s clearly edited his own wiki page. He's as bad as my arl fella. Honestly, I only found out my Dad's exact age when I was in my mid twenties. Up until then any time anyone asked him he used to just say "29". He was 29 for the first 25 years of my life. Not even kidding. It drove me mad not knowing, and what's worse is my Mum never ratted him out either. He even carried it on after I found his birth certificate and presented him with it. "That's not mine. You've forged that". The only reason he dropped the pretence was because he realised I was actually getting close to 'his age' so he then added ten years to it and started afresh from there, only this time he would actually add a year to his age with every birthday rather than trying to maintain the ludicrous Peter Pan act. Speaking of boys who never grow up (fucking seamless segue there, even if I say so myself), I see Javier Hernandez has finally ditched ‘Chicarito’ from his shirt. Either he’s finally realised he’s a 30 year old man, or FIFA just wouldn’t allow it. Either way, it’s a good thing for football. Now if we can just stop Jonathon Pearce and Phil Neville from calling him ‘Cheechareeto” that would be sound. Better yet, just get rid of the pair of them, the annoying fucks. Mats Hummels had a moan afterwards about his midfield and forwards not tracking back. He was right but it made him look a right twat, not least because of the way he was jogging back on the counter attack from which Mexico scored. Controversial, unpopular opinion alert: Mats Hummels is massively over-rated and Dejan Lovren is better. Come at me, I don't care. The other tournament favourites, Brazil, didn’t cover themselves in glory on Day 4 either. Not that I’m too surprised by that as I don’t rate them as highly as everyone else seems to. Coutinho put them ahead and I think we all knew that was a goal before he even took the shot. We’ve seen that movie loads of times so we know how it ends. As soon as his first touch shifted it out of his feet that was only ever going in one place. Great goal. Little bastard. They didn’t build on it though and as the first half wore on the Swiss were getting more and more of the ball. Brazil were even more uninspired in the second half and Switzerland levelled from a corner. I’m a little surprised the goal stood though as there was a clear nudge in the back of Miranda. Big Slav summed up most of our thoughts on that though when he was asked why it wasn’t disallowed by VAR. “To be honest, I don’t care”. Quite. He is back on top form after a shaky start to the tournament. All things being equal, he’s probably my favourite pundit. For years Brazil have frustrated me though. They play in little fits and starts and I always feel short changed by them. I used to think it was because they were complacent and would just do enough without really extending themselves too much, but eventually I realised its because it’s not 1982 and they are no longer any more special than anybody else. Tell you what else does my head in (although this is not their fault), all the fucking bandwagon jumpers they attract every tournament. All these whoppers from other countries, many of whom probably don’t even like footy, wearing Brazil shirts and dancing with the Brazil fans as though they’re on the Copa Cabana. Just fuck off, glory hunting wankers. I want Brazil to fall flat on their faces and nothing would please me more in this competition if they conceded seven again. Ok that’s not true, I want France to fail even more and I want to see Sergio Ramos seriously injured. Brazil getting twatted is third on the list. Wait, no. I’ll also take England going out in the most heartbreaking of circumstances and Harry Kane somehow being held responsible for it. And Suarez getting sent off for biting Coutinho would be great too. Brazil getting spanked in the knock outs would also be good though. The worst thing about Brazil though is definitely that prancing cunt Neymar. I can’t stand him. He’s all of the things I despise about Pogba with the notable exceptions of 1) not playing for United and 2) not being shit. At least Pogba isn’t a massive crying fanny though. Neymar has the lowest pain tolerance of any footballer I’ve ever seen. Almost every bit of physical contact causes him to roll around the floor in agony. I know he gets fouled more than most because he’s so good and he’s constantly trying to dribble past people, but he’s a massive fanny. Messi never carries on like this and he gets the shit kicked out of him every time he steps onto the pitch. Neymar has also taken over from the jug eared Croatian lad for the worst haircut at the tournament. Looks like someone dumped a bowl of spaghetti on his head. That said, Boeteng from Germany is in the conversation too. Why would anyone die their hair grey? There’s plenty of time for that to happen all on its own. Utterly baffling, it’s like he’s auditioning for a part as his older self in a movie about his life. Weirdo. Switzerland are 6th in the FIFA rankings. No idea how, as they’re as bland and dull as can be. They’re organised, work really hard, they’re very streetwise (their tactical fouling in this game was a work of art), hard to break down, know exactly what they’re doing but they’re so dull that if they were a pundit they’d be Ryan Giggs. Actually that’s harsh, Switzerland are dull and inoffensive, Giggs is dull and loathesome. If Switzerland were a pundit they’d be Jermaine Jenas. It feels as though they qualify for every major tournament and do the exact same thing each time - surprise people by sneaking out of the group stage before losing in the next round (in extra time or pens). Don’t bet against the same thing happening this time. Reported Reds transfer target Shaqiri was slated by the pundits and Gary Neville called him lazy. I’m not having that though. It’s all well and good showing these examples of him not tracking back, but perhaps he isn’t supposed to? We aren’t privy to what his coach tells him to do so all this stick he’s getting seems harsh to me. He’s their best counter attacking player so it makes no sense to have him chasing Marcelo all over the place. Let him hang around in the space vacated by the Madrid full back and try to exploit it. You know when you see players arriving at the stadium pulling those little designer suitcases with the wheels on? Well I always expect to see Marcelo pushing an old shopping trolley with all of his worldly possessions in, the scruffy bastard. That’s a bit mean, but I don’t care. Anything Real Madrid related is fair game so fuck him, fuck Madrid and fuck Brazil too. Except Bobby, bless him. Day 5 now, and South Korea v Sweden was dire. In the build up the Korean manager said his players had been swapping shirts with each other during training and even in friendly matches so they could confuse Sweden. I’m pretty sure that isn’t allowed (in games anyway) so if he did this then action should be taken. I reckon it's bollocks though, as their own fans would certainly know even if no-one else would. Relax, I don't mean because “they all look the same” (that seems to be what their coach is implying we all think), I mean that most of their players are not well known and therefore not immediately identifiable. We’d all know if Son Heung Min had someone else’s shirt on, or if the left back was wearing his. The rest of them though? Wouldn’t have a clue. The same would apply to several of the other teams here, including Sweden who should have done the same thing because this is the least recognisable side they’ve ever had. Sweden’s biggest name is probably that Lindeloth chump from United. Would you be able to pick him out of a line up? I wouldn’t. I literally have no idea whatsoever what he looks like. I know Seb Larssen but that’s about it. After this game I know their captain now too, mainly because he looks like Steve Redgrave’s older brother and runs like he’s pulling Redgrave’s canoe behind him. Takes a good pen though, and that was enough to win the game. It feels like there have been penalties in almost every game so far. The ref didn’t give this initially but VAR came to the rescue. It was the correct decision and I have to admit VAR had worked well to this point. Then along came England. Was there anything more certain than England getting done over by VAR at some point? Bad luck follows England to so many major tournaments it should have a Bulldog tattooed on its calf and be accompanied by a shit brass band. I didn’t think that was a pen for the Walker incident but once the ref had given it there was no way it was getting overturned. If he’d waved play on it wouldn’t have been called back for a pen as it was nothing really. Stupid and unnecessary, yes, but still not a pen. That wasn’t the real controversy though. The two stonewall pens on Kane that were ignored is hard to explain. I can only assume the officials share my feelings that there is quite literally nothing anyone can do to Kane that would result in him getting a penalty. Twat. FIFA have said they are going to investigate it. Of course they are, they’ll fix it now England have already been shafted. Job done. England started the game really well but their finishing was woeful. Some of the build up play was great though and they deservedly went in front through Kane’s tap in. The equalising penalty seemed to knock them out of their stride for a while and by the time they got going again Tunisia were in full “park the bus” mode. They made no attempt to leave their own half and their time wasting and playacting completely ruined the game as a spectacle. England would have got hammered by the press and public if they hadn’t won the game, but in fairness it’s really fucking difficult playing against that and any team in this tournament would have struggled. They kept plugging away and eventually got their reward when Kane tapped in again in stoppage time. Both goals came from corners, which considering how clueless Tunisia were defending them wasn’t really surprising. The only way they could stop England players getting a free header was to grab hold and wrestle them to the floor. Very amateurish, and what makes it worse is the centre half opted not to put the ball out for a throw and instead dribbled it out for a corner, from which England won the game. What was he thinking? Dickhead. Not gonna lie, when Kane scored I turned away in disgust and I may or may not have yelled “fuck off you big chinned slobbering twat”. I’ve seen a lot of people saying they can get behind this England team because it’s so much more likeable than previous ones. Not for me, Clive. Southgate is likeable enough but Kane, Alli, Kane, Young, Kane, Lingard, Kane…. sorry, not having it, can't root for them. As ever though, my main reason for not getting behind them is the fans. I can't relate to them. I feel no affinity with them and their 'ten German bombers' songs. And all those fucking small time wankers from insignificant little (and big) clubs who took great pleasure in what happened to us in Kiev, I want to see them crying into their fucking pints. Made up to see Hendo playing well though, good for him, but I want them out as soon as possible. Day Six now, and Colombia edged ahead in the best rendition of an anthem. Outstanding stuff that. The Japan one is fucking turgid though. So depressing, so dreary, they should get that whining Sam Smith bastard to sing it. Two minutes in the game was ruined when a Colombian player handled a goal bound shot and was red carded. The ref got it right but the rule is shit and needs changing. What should happen is if Japan score the pen, the Colombian lad stays on. If they miss, then it's a red card. Of course that can be abused and the side with the pen could deliberately miss it to ensure they’re playing against ten men, but that’s fine. If they want to do that it’s their prerogative. The other potential problem is you might get defenders deliberately acting like goalkeepers late in games as it's worth the risk. So maybe keep the current rule in place for the last half an hour, and go with my suggestion if it happens in the first hour. All I know is this double whammy thing is fucking crap and a sending off so early ruins the game as a spectacle. Colombia were really positive for a while though and equalised with a clever free-kick that went under the wall, Coutinho-style. They were having a real go even with a man less but they ran out of gas in the second half and Japan took control. Their winner came from a set-piece and Ospina really should have done better. Mad how strong football nations like Argentina and Colombia have keepers who sit on the bench for shitty Europa League teams like Chelsea and Arsenal. Senegal got off to a winning start against sorry Poland. Senegal weren’t even that good, but Poland were terrible. Lewandowski was anonymous but Mané wasn’t in it much more. I don’t know what role he was playing but it was nothing like what he does for us. It was almost like he was playing “holding left wing”. He was hardly ever ahead of his frontmen and kept coming deep to get the ball and then just make simple lay offs. Bizarre. Senegal’s opener was a flukey deflection and their second was dodgy too. Niang was rolling around feigning injury and had to go off the field. You could tell by the replay there was nothing wrong with him but the ref let him come back on while the ball was bouncing around in midfield. The Polish players hadn’t noticed, and Krychowiak played a bad back pass that the centre half hesitated over, and Niang (having made a miraculous recovery) ran through at full speed, beat the keeper to the ball and had a tap in. Terrible play by the Poles but the ref did them no favours there at all. They pulled one back through the otherwise horrendous Krychowiak but Senegal were pretty comfortable throughout and never looked like conceding again. Very well organised side on this evidence. Best bit of this game was the Senegalese centre half Salif Sane trying a Ronaldo style ’side foot’ free-kick from 30 yards and it trickling about 10 yards wide. 10/10 for confidence, 1/10 for execution. Mo Salah made his belated entrance into the competition as Egypt took on the hosts. He looked fairly sharp I thought. Not everything came off for him but I don’t fully buy into all the comments about him not being right or playing within himself because of the injury. He looked alright to me, he was just surrounded by players who are nowhere near his level. The first half was relatively even but Russia ran away with it after the break. Their opener was spawny as fuck though. “An own goal by Fatih”. Words not uttered during a live commentary since Neil Ruddock hung up his boots. The Brazilian right back did well to create the second Russian goal for Cherychev, and the big man up front got the third with a really well taken goal. He’s a fucking good player him, he was impressive all night. Boss lay offs, strong hold up play and he can move as well. I like him. Salah won and then scored a pen (VAR coming to the rescue again) to give Egypt’s support something to celebrate. Made up for Mo, I was shitting myself in case he missed it. I was so tense it almost felt like he was taking a pen for us. I'd have been sick for him if he hadn't scored. Hopefully he’ll fill his boots against Saudi Arabia and then have a nice rest before running wild on everyone next season. Egypt were game enough but they just didn’t have the quality to get the ball to him often enough. That Trezeguet is a fucking bum, he was doing my head in. He’s shite but he plays like someone who thinks he’s really good. Hate players like that. Know your limitations. Finally, the pundits. Eniola Aluko is putting many of the others to shame just by actually, y’know, doing her homework. You’d think that would be a given but it really does seem like some of them just turn up, chat some shit and walk away with their pay cheque. Aluko (and Alex Scott, who has been just as good) can’t do that as she has to work harder than everyone else to be taken seriously. Society is making progress but there’s still a way to go, as we saw with Evra’s continued amazement every time she spoke. Aluko is well informed and knows what she’s talking about. Hardly surprising given she’s a professional footballer with over a hundred international caps. Her insight really surprised Evra though who reacted like a kid witnessing a magic trick for the first time. At one point he even gave her a round of applause. Would he have done that if it was Phil Neville? Ok, bad example, Phil Neville has never said anything worthy of applause in his life. Wait, that’s not true, he did make a good observation after the Colombia / Japan game. Shame he was repeating more or less verbatim what Alex Scott had said about five seconds earlier. Like the kid in school who copies other people’s homework but changes a few words thinking the teacher won’t get onto it. Going back to Evra though, he clearly didn’t mean any harm by it and in his own misguided, patronising way he was actually being complimentary. It’s mad though how people (not just Evra) are surprised that Aluko and Scott have a good knowledge of the game they’ve been playing to a really high standard for their entire lives. Did Evra even know Aluko is a professional footballer, or did he think she’d just sneaked out of the kitchen while her man was down the pub. Sitting there applauding?? Fuck me that was cringeworthy. As bad it was though it wasn’t even his most embarrassing moment of the tournament. The stupid dance he did outside the ITV studio was worse, but even that wasn’t his lowest point. Nothing can top him saying that FIFA have got it in for Pogba and they wouldn’t have taken that “goal” off Messi or Ronaldo. Never mind the sexism, he should have been sacked on the spot just for that. I wouldn't have even let him finish the show, I'd have just told him to leave there and then.

Mr Dependable. Old Ragnar just comes in, does a job and then drops back out again without a fuss. Because he’s Estonian, in his 30s and cost a relative pittance, it goes under the radar that he’s pretty damn good on the quiet. For a fourth choice centre back he’s great. I’d probably take him over the fourth choice at most of our rivals. He had a good season overall. Like everyone else, he had some unconvincing moments in the first half of the season when we were leaking goals, but very few of the goals could be pinned on him. In the second half of the season when the team's defending improved, he slotted in with minimum disruption. Unlike with many back up players, when I see a team sheet with his name on it, I’m not worried in the slightest as the drop off between him and the first choice player he's coming in for is not great. As much as I like arl ‘Raggy’ though, I can’t get on board with Klopp’s description of him as a ‘genius’. Yes, he actually said that. He reckons Klavan is a genius who everyone wants on their team in five a sides, and that if he believed in himself as much as Klopp believes in him he’d be world class. He said similar about Dejan Lovren too, only without the ‘genius’ bit. Klopp’s over the top praise notwithstanding, Klavan is a really good pro who knows the game inside out. His decision making is good and he’s always calm and composed. His passing is decent, he’s quicker than people probably think and being left footed he gives us a nice balance. He’s hardly ever injured either (he missed a few weeks with a bad illness but he’s usually available when needed). Every squad needs players like Klavan. Best Moment: Scoring a stoppage time winner at Burnley. Worst Moment: 
 Did he have any really bad moments? Help me out here, I'm drawing a blank. Rating: 7/10. Steady, dependable, reliable. The Future? With everyone seemingly wanting to see Joe Gomez get a chance at centre back, Klavan is the obvious one to make way. I don’t think he will though. Klopp loves him and Ragnar seems happy enough with his role at the club. We should keep him as he’s playing around 20 games a season, not least because Matip is always getting injured. Would you feel as confident about Gomez stepping in and doing a job to the standard Ragnar does? I wouldn’t, not yet anyway. We’ve got a young squad so it doesn’t hurt having an old experienced head around the place.

So Luis Suarez v Mohamed Salah didn’t happen then. Poor Mo still hadn’t recovered from his MMA stoppage loss to Sergio Ramos in Kiev, while Suarez may as well have been sat on the bench next to him for all the use he was to Uruguay on the day. It would have been interesting to see the Reds current superstar go head to head with the last man to hold that title, but sadly it was not to be. It did get me thinking though. Who’s better - peak Suarez or current Salah? It's a tough one. I didn’t believe I’d ever see anyone else who would come close to Suarez; certainly not so soon anyway. Yet here we are. What Salah did this season compares favourably with anything we’ve ever seen before. In terms of an individual campaign what Mo did this year is up there with prime John Barnes in the late 80s, Ian Rush’s 47 goal haul in 1983 and yes, Suarez in 2013/14. Had we won the Champions League it would probably stand out as the single greatest individual season we’ve had. It still might be, it just doesn’t feel like it given how it ended. 44 goals from someone who isn’t a centre forward is ridiculous though. There’s only really Lionel Messi who can put up those kind of numbers from a non-central position. Salah was truly amazing this season, not just in the number of goals but the manner of them. The dribble against Spurs, the curler against Roma, the juggle in Porto, the postage stamp against Everton and that one against Watford when he left all ten outfield players, the coach, the kit man and Elton John on the seat of their pants before rolling it into the corner. All amazing, memorable moments. Suarez never managed to reach the 40 goal mark at Anfield, although in his best season he did hit 31 league goals. Had Suarez been playing in Europe that year he may have been somewhere around the same mark that Salah bagged this year, but probably not as Brendan Rodgers' track record in Europe doesn't exactly compare favourably to Jurgen Klopp's. Suarez led us into the Champions League but didn’t stick around to play in it. That resulted in the mother of all hangovers. Missing out on the title, Suarez leaving and then his replacement being Mario frigging Balotelli. It was a triple whammy. You don’t recover from that easily. I took it really badly. I avoided watching him play for Barca for at least 12 months, maybe even longer. I didn’t need a reminder of what we had lost, especially given the clown we’d brought in to replace him. Depeche Mode would come on the radio and I’d switch it off. An Adele song would come on and I’d leave it on. What can I say, her words resonated with me at the time. That’s the dark place I was in. I was in that place for a long time too. Basically until Klopp arrived. I’m sure many of you reading this were in the same boat. Maybe not the Adele stuff, but the rest of it. It was tough getting over Luis. The club itself couldn’t let go either. All those desperate sounding interviews they ran with him about how he’ll always have a special place in his heart for us, he’d never play for another English club and blah blah blah Some fans clung to it like a lifebelt, for me it just made me bitter and resentful - shut up Suarez, we don’t want your pity and insincere platitudes. Liverpool though, they seemed to need it. They wanted to “still be friends” and for the split to be amicable. He even featured in a “Why I love Liverpool” documentary on LFCTV. Spare me, please. It may have taken a while but we’re all 'over' Suarez now, aren’t we? Maybe there’s still a few out there pining for him, but most of us have finally moved on and Salah is a big reason for that. There’s a new sherif in town, with a cute little smile and a curly head of hair you just want to ruffle. There’s still the odd moment when we might wonder “imagine how great Suarez would be in this team” but for the most part he is a distant memory and we’re more than happy with what we have now. The Kop even chanted last season “if we still had Suarez, he’d be on the bench”. Not true of course, but the fact we can joke about it now speaks volumes. In a list of our greatest ever players Suarez wouldn’t even make the top ten because he doesn’t have the longevity of legends like Steven Gerrard, John Barnes, the King, Alan Hansen and others. In terms of who is the best player I’ve seen at Liverpool though, he gets my vote. A bold statement I know, and probably an unpopular one with many of you, but he played at a level very few have come close to and what he’s gone on to do since he left confirmed his standing as one of the all time greats. Even on his ‘bad' days he’d still do something to get you out of your seat. His ability, his tenacity and his will to win were just on another level. I didn’t think we’d ever get anyone as good as Suarez again, yet we now have another genuine superstar in our ranks only a few years later. It might be a stretch to claim Salah is better, especially as the pair are so different to each other in style and personality, but it wouldn't be completely over the top either. It's certainly worthy of discussion. Salah has a better supporting cast and a better manager than Suarez had when he was here. That’s not to say Suarez didn’t have quality around him, just that the current team has more. It’s natural to wonder how peak Suarez would have fared in this current set up, or how the current Salah would have done in the 2014 team, but the truth is there’s no way of knowing. My gut feeling is that Suarez would smash the 50 goal barrier in this team but it’s impossible to tell because the whole dynamic of the side would change. Suarez might not gel with Salah and Sadio Mané in the way Bobby Firmino has, so it’s all hypothetical. Salah would have done well in the 2014 side but I suspect he'd struggle to even reach half as many goals as he got this year. Salah doesn’t bring any of the “baggage” that Suarez did and he’s less likely to break our hearts. He still might of course, it would be naive to think he’ll stay here forever while forsaking all others, but if he did go he’d let us down a lot more gently than Suarez did and I’m fairly certain we never have to worry about him trying to force through a move to fucking Arsenal. ARSENAL??? I’d like to think Suarez looks back on that with shame and asks himself “what the hell was I thinking?”. He probably doesn’t though as footballers tend to not think the same way fans do. Besides, on a list of “what the hell was I thinking” moments, Luis has plenty to choose from. Numerically, Salah has the edge and he’s also appreciated and liked far more by the general football public too. Suarez was hated by everyone else, with good reason, but then that made us love him more. He was a villain but he was our villain. In comparison, Mo is a saint. Usually I'd find that irritating, but he's just such a genuine, lovely fella it's impossible not to love him But in answer who is better; sorry, but it’s 2014 Suarez. I wish it wasn’t, but it is. For now anyway. Hopefully we’ll revisit this in 12 months and it will be a different answer. Dave Usher @theliverpoolway