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Saturday Mar 23: The legends game at Anfield went down a storm. A full house and a 3-2 win, with Gerrard scoring the decisive goal in front of the Kop. Gerrard could still play top flight football with his eyes closed. Not as the force he was, but he’s still better than three quarters of the midfielders currently in the Premier League. Fowler’s still got it too. Not fitness, obviously, but the finishing is still in a league of its own. I didn’t go and didn't watch it live either, but I’ve seen the goals. My Dad watched it on LFCTV and the first thing he said was “some of those could still play now. Glen Johnson looked just like he did back when he was playing”. Yeah Dad, that’s because he only retired about three fucking weeks ago. Meanwhile, Jose Mourinho (remember him?) continues with his Allardycian strategy of doing the rounds with various news outlets and rewriting history, while taking shots at those he sees as his competition (specifically Klopp and Pochettino). He’s even been on Keys and Gray doing this shit. It doesn't get any more Fat Sam than that.. Anyway, here’s his latest broadcast of behalf of the Little Portuguese Despot party. “I won titles everywhere I have been and I cannot run away from my mentality. Some coaches like to sell the idea of a philosophy, but you have to sell the philosophy after you win. If you win nothing what is the point? If your team plays very well, your team wins, so I don’t like these contradictions we have in football nowadays.” Ok, firstly his use of the word ‘titles’ is massively disingenuous. When most normal people think titles, they think league winners. He uses it to describe little trinkets like the league cup and charity shield. Secondly, even after winning he never showed any hint of any philosophy other than “give me money to buy players in their late 20s so I can win NOW, and to hell with what happens after I’m done”. Actually that is his philosophy, so I stand corrected. What’s he going to say if Klopp wins something this year though? Hell, it’s almost enough for me to want Spurs to win something next year just so he can’t keep taking shots at Pochettino, who is a much superior manager than he is these days. Sunday Mar 24: Hilarious Instagram post from the Mig today taking the piss out of his rival Courtois, who got caught trying to play the ball with his feet and gifted Russia a goal last night. Mig posted a pic of himself passing a ball in training (with Courtois stood behind watching him) and captioned it with “Footwork”. Well played, Si. Well played. The real genius of this is he's regarded as being just about dopey enough to get away with saying it wasn't intentional. Also on social media today, Mo posts a pic of himself on a beach, with “You will Never Walk Alone” carved into the sand in front of him. Is it weird that my first thought was “ah shit, this is gonna be thrown in our faces by everyone when he decides he wants out”. It’s hard to trust players these days when they’ll sign a new contract declaring their love for the club and then within weeks they’re either on strike and demanding a move to fucking Arsenal, or they’ve put their back out through the stress of the transfer window being open. I don’t think Mo would pull any of that shit but I’m not certain that he wouldn’t. Same with Sadio, I couldn’t see him doing anything like that either but you just never know. I mean fucking hell, Virgil seems like a great fella and a stand up guy, but he went on strike at Southampton in an attempt to force through his move here. It’s the nature of the modern football beast. I don’t take it as personally as I used to though. I mean, I’ve got far more before with Torres than I have with Suarez and Coutinho, when really there are a lot of similarities between how all three behaved. I justify it to myself by saying it’s ok for me to resent Torres because he downed tools for the last 12 months he was here, but those tools he downed, he never actually picked them up again did he, even when he was back at Atletico? So maybe it was just a case of him being a shadow of the player he once was. I don’t like that he went to Chelsea either, so that plays a part in it. Suarez has gone on to even greater heights since leaving, but he’s in a minority and the grass isn’t always greener. Look at Coutinho. There’s still talk that Barca want rid and he’s being linked with PSG (seems unrealistic given the sanctions likely to be imposed on them) and the Mancs (who will no doubt want to make a splash and spend a shit ton of money this summer). Ordinarily you’d expect most ex Reds to have enough about them to say “I’m not playing for United” but Coutinho may not have many other suitors. He'd join United in a heartbeat I reckon. I’d happily take him back, but not at the price it will cost to get him. I think if you injected Phil with truth serum and asked him if he wanted to come back here or stay where he is, his answer would be that he wants to come to back to Klopp, Bobby, Sadio and Mo. He probably won’t have that option available to him though. It’s a lot like when Owen wanted to come back from Madrid. We were interested but Newcastle were willing to pay a lot more than we were. It’ll be the same with the Mancs this summer I reckon. Maybe Barcelona haven’t given up on him yet though. I mean how else can you explain today’s reports coming out of Spain that they want to sign Albert the Moron? A last ditch attempt to get Coutinho happy and enjoying his footy again? Maybe they should sign Lucas too. Monday Mar 25: Another big win for England. I didn’t watch this one but I heard about the Montenegro crowd giving it the ol’ monkey noises that they’re known for in that part of the world. Sterling scored and gave them some back, and then posted a pic of his celebration on twitter, saying “best way to silence the haters (and yeah I mean racists)”. Good for him. Montenegro will be shitting themselves now though, awaiting that €40k fine from UEFA. Twats. Saw this quote from Zidane today. “I slept well. I wasn’t an idiot going around bars. I only drank water and did stretches. I put everything into becoming the best player possible. I had to do it at all costs”. And after all that he still wasn’t fit to lace the boots of the chain smoking Johan Cruyff, the alcoholic George Best, the all night party king Ronaldinho or the coke and booze fuelled Maradona. And that healthy lifestyle didn’t help him keep his hair either. Meanwhile, there was a fan prediction thing in the Guardian where a fan from every team had to say where their team would finish, and they also had to give their prediction on the top four and bottom three. The Evertonian had us not even in the top four, which would mean Chelsea making up 19 points on us in their final eight games. Even more ridiculous than that, he had Everton finishing 8th! Tuesday Mar 26: Kinell, this Gary Mac story is a bit grim like isn’t it? Some twat in Leeds knocked out three of his teeth and left him in a bad way. Unprovoked attack, and they reckon the prick also smacked a couple of women about too. Obviously it wasn’t a local as they love Gary Mac up there. Hell, apart from Evertonians and Mancs, who doesn’t love Gary Mac? The suggestion is it some random American fell with knuckledusters. Fucking hell, this world eh? Absolute cesspit. Also today, John Welsh is given a suspended sentence after kicking a woman and breaking her leg. He was pissed, having drank 11 pints of… err… shandy, apparently. He was giving it the “don’t you know who I am?” shit too, the court was told. So much wrong with this story I don’t even know where to begin. As I say, the world is just full of cunts isn’t it? Here’s another example. Cardiff are claiming the Emiliano Sala deal was not legally binding and are refusing to pay what they owe. Hmmm. I have no idea of the legal issues involved here, but the moral ones are pretty fucking clear. Cardiff had him posing with a scarf, they announced the deal on their website and made a big splash about him being their record signing. When he went missing, they mourned him as one of their own, with players wearing t-shirts with his face on and fans giving it the ‘once a bluebird always a bluebird’. The club even retired his shirt number! Then when it comes to handing over the cash they’re like “he wasn’t our player”. Fuck off you morally bankrupt cunts. Wednesday Mar 27: Bobby Adekanye is off to Lazio and he’s had a few parting shots on his way out. “Being left out of the pre-season tour in the United States was disappointing and contributed to the fact that I don’t want to renew my contract. If they promise things like that and they don’t deliver, I don’t know what will happen if I sign for three years.” On Klopp, he added: “That trust is no longer there, even if I still respect the club. I expected to have a chance in Liverpool. I don’t think I’m in Klopp’s plans, if it’s so, I have to look for something else. Lazio is one of the interested clubs, but it is not yet 100% decided. I also heard about Barcelona, in the Netherlands Willem II made itself heard. I can’t name the entire list of clubs now, because I could continue until tomorrow.” I’ve watched him a fair bit and he’s had some good moments, but he’s not as good as Rafa Camacho (who I don’t think is any good either) and if he wasn’t taken on the pre-season tour there will have been a good reason for that, and it’s probably due to his attitude and th efact his game is massively one dimensional. He sounds like a massive helmet with his “I can’t list all the clubs who want me as there’s so many of them” doesn’t he? He’s got a great left foot and blistering speed but his end product is usually garbage. Better players than him have failed to make the grade here, so he won’t be missed. In terms of wingers alone I can reel off Ibe, Kacaniklic, Ince, Hammill, Buchtmann and Silva just off the top of my head who did more than him at youth / reserve level and that's without even thinking about it. I bet there are plenty of others. Ryan Kent too. He’s said to be on his way this summer but the £12m asking price rules out Rangers. Good player, a million miles off making it here though. He might be another Conor Coady who needs a few years to get to Premier League level. I reckon he'll get there in the end as he does have talent. Meanwhile, the Mig says he doesn’t know what the future will hold but that it’s been easy to accept not playing this year. Not the first time he’s said this either. Earlier in the season he said he has no complaints about not playing because Alisson is better than him. Last year he felt differently. He didn’t say why but he didn’t need to. He knew he was better than Karius and he knows he’s not as good as Alisson. The reason he knows is because he trains with them every day. This got me thinking. Imagine how pissed off Mignolet must have been in Kiev. I mean, he will have felt bad for Karius on a personal level, but he must have been thinking “we’d have fucking this if you hadn’t dropped me for that turd”. Thursday Mar 28: Solksjaer has the United job permanently, which is good and bad for us. Good in the sense that it’ll all end in tears when he gets found out next season. Bad news because it would have been better if he was still trying to prove himself when they play City. Not that I was holding out much hope for that game anyway, but this doesn’t help us. Not great for Virg either, as he’s renting the Goblin’s house. Initial reports are that he won’t have to move, which is probably smart from Ole’s point of view. Don’t want to lose a good tenant when you’re likely to be back at Molde in six months. I mean fucking hell, United are still paying their last three managers, none of whom saw out a contract. Wouldn’t it be dead funny if Virg just refused to move out though. Solskjaer seems like the type of soft bastard who wouldn’t know what to do. OGS: "So I need you to move out. No rush, just when your tenancy agreement is up in a couple of months." Virg: "Yeah that's not happening. I like it here, can't be arsed with the upheaval of moving." OGS: “Oh, right. Ok. Well is ok if me and my family move into the guesthouse at the bottom of the garden then? We’ll be quiet, you won’t even know we’re there”. Virg: “Weeeeelllll not really. You see the thing is, I sometimes use that when mates are over from Holland. They’re a bit mad and I don’t want the living room smelling of weed and vomit, so I usually let them sit off in the guest house. You’re best checking into a hotel”. OGS: “Ok, sure, we can do that, sorry to bother you.” Moving swiftly on, and I was out having something to eat tonight with my wife and daughter. There were two couples on the next table, but the only whose voice anyone could hear was this one fella in their group. When they left, my missus says “wasn’t he loud and obnoxious?”. “Yeah, he was an Evertonian” I replied. My daughter says “How do you know that, just because he was loud and annoying?”. “Yeah that, and because he spent five minutes ranting about a penalty they didn’t get against us in 1984”. Adrianna thought I was joking, but I wasn’t. Honestly, he was getting all worked up about Hansen’s ‘handball’ on the line from Adrian Heath. He was also raging about something Mark Lawrenson said about it. Utterly fucking mental they are, aren’t they? Let it go man, it was 35 years ago!!!! Fucking hell. Friday Mar 29: Price freeze on tickets for next year. Cue loads of talk about how FSG are in touch with the feelings of the fans and are doing the right thing. Bollocks. Ticket prices are still extortionately high, but at least they aren’t making a bad situation worse, I’ll give them that at least. Also today, Rhian Brewster makes his first appearance for the u23s in around 18 months, and it took him just seven minutes to score a fucking belter of a goal. He added another one later, before being subbed at half time. Made up for the kid. Looking forward to reading all about it in one of the half dozen interviews he’ll be doing during the next few days. I saw this and thought it was amusing. There’s been a lot of talk about how it’s proving to be impossible for strikers to get the better of Big Virg. One man thinks he knows how to do it though. Who is it, you’re wondering. Well I’ll tell you. It’s Jon fucking Walters. I know, I could hardly believe the balls on him either, but for the record this is what he said the secret is to enjoy success against Van Dijk: “You come across a player like Van Dijk; you’re not really going to outrun him, he’s so comfortable on the ball, he’s good in the air,” he told Football Focus. “I think you’ve got to get into his head a little bit – the dark arts come into force a little bit. When he’s coming up for corners, just giving him a little bit and blocking him. Just getting into his head a little bit. I’d give him a little bit off the ball, get into his head. And that will just take his mind off it a little bit.” And if that fails, you could always score a couple of own goals, miss a pen and overhead kick the ball into your own face. Maybe all that laughing might ‘take his mind off it a little bit’, eh? Didn’t work against Chelsea though, did it, Jon? https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=11&v=JEvL0hILOso

It was a reduced fixture list in the Premier League this weekend because of the “FA doing their bit to help City win a quadruple Cup”. While Andre Marriner was channeling his inner Paul Tierney to ensure a favourable result for the sky blue half of Manchester, things didn’t go so smoothly for the red half, as United were dumped out by Wolves. Amusing, yes, but in the big picture it’s bad news. Why? Because it increases the odds of Pep's Financial Dopes winning another trophy and it decreases the odds of United hiring the Goblin full time. I was hoping Solksjaer wouldn’t be found out until next season, but that’s two defeats in a row now and he’s in danger of fucking the whole thing up. Enough about Micky Mouse cup competitions though, let’s get straight into the league action. Somewhat surprisingly, the best game of the weekend was at West Ham, who were involved in a seven goal thriller with Huddersfield. Usually Huddersfield being in a game with seven goals would mean either a 7-0 or 6-1 loss, as they’d only scored more than once on one solitary occasion this season, so no-one could have predicted they’d put three past the Hammers. The fact it still wasn’t enough for them to even get a point must be pretty depressing for all concerned. They know they’re down but you don't want to go quietly. You want to go kicking and screaming, like West Brom last season for example. Huddersfield’s fighting spirit can’t be faulted but they’re just shite. They’ve probably got one win left in them though and I just hope it's not against us. West Ham drew first blood when Noble calmly slotted a penalty after Lanzini had been brought down. Bacuna levelled so quickly that there were still bubbles floating all around the place. When did they start doing that? Is it a recent thing or did they do it at Upton Park. Can we still say Upton Park, or do we have to use “Boleyn Ground” now as that’s what they started calling it when they realised it’s days were numbered. Back on topic though, he’s alright that Bacuna you know. At least he’s really stood out the last few weeks on MOTD, and that's all I can base it on. He’s been there all season but I’m only just noticing him now, so either he hasn’t played much or until recently he’s been shite. *googles* Ok so it’s the former. Barely played before the turn of the year and is only just getting a proper run now. Might be worth keeping an eye on as he’s got something about him and is only 21. Karlan Grant put them ahead when he rolled a shot into the bottom corner with his left foot. Then he made it 3-1 with a screamer with his right. He’s another one who I hadn’t noticed until recently, but that’s because they only bought him in January (from Charlton). Don’t know if he’s any good yet but in a few weeks he’s already scored more than their other strikers have between them all season. It’s an extremely low bar but he’s sailed right over it. That was as good as it got for them, as Ogbonna’s thumping header got the Hammers back in it and substitute ‘Cheatarito’ came off the bench to equalise. My boy J-Punch missed a late sitter for Huddersfield and then in stoppage time Hernandez glanced in the winner. That Huddersfield manager won’t last long. He’s too emotional and a few times he’s had a moan about his players in his post match interviews. Rookie mistake that, but then he is a rookie (36 years old and plucked from Dortmund reserves). Bet Allardyce and the LMA fucking hate him. Elsewhere, Brendan’s good start continued as Leicester pulled out a battling win at Burnley despite going down to ten men inside five minutes when Maguire was sent off for a professional foul. Where’s Martin Atkinson when you need him, eh slabhead?? Leicester went in front through a brilliant Maddison free-kick. What nobody seems to be arsed about is that it was some rampant cheating from him to win the free-kick in the first place. I noticed it immediately but the commentators never even bothered mentioning it, so I had to rewind it twice just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. I wasn’t. It was exactly how I saw it on first viewing. He jumps away from the ball and into the path of Tarkowski, and then collapses in a heap. I’m not sure the contact warranted him going down, but even if it did he fucking initiated it! He’s been doing it all season though. He’s one of the worst divers around but because he’s young and English people only seem to want to talk about his talent. He is definitely talented. He reminds me of Danny Murphy (which is a compliment as I always liked SuperDan), apart from the rampant diving which reminds me of Spurs. After the goal he was booked for removing his shirt and revealing a moving message in tribute to a 5 year old girl who died of cancer. Looked like he was fighting back tears too, the poor lad. Michael Oliver still booked him like, because y’know, rules and that. Maddison defended Oliver on social media saying that "he was just doing his job. He didn't enjoy booking me and he offered his condolences about Sophie, which I thought was very classy". Yeah yeah, but he didn't actually need to book Maddison really, did he? Usually I'm of the view that if you take your shirt off you deserve all you get. Everyone knows the rules, and why should a ref risk being marked down by his assessors by not enforcing the laws of the game. In this case I feel differently. Oliver is widely seen as the best ref in the league now, so that gives him a certain amount of sway in these matters. He doesn't need to be as much of a jobsworth robot as most of these other dicks. He could have easily overlooked what Maddison did and told his bosses to fuck off. He could have said, "Sorry but I'm not going to book a lad who is grieving because a little girl he'd befriended had just died of cancer." He'd have had the whole nation in his corner, so what are they gonna do to him? Nothing, that's what. They wouldn't risk the public backlash. So show some fucking stones Oliver, you Mr Bean looking fucking dweeb. Anyway, McNeil equalised with a low shot that Schmeichel should have kept out, and the winger then put one on a plate for Wood who somehow put it over from four yards. Burnley then had two penalty shouts turned down. One when the ball hit Morgan’s arm as he challenged Crouchy for a header, and another when Taylor cut across N’Didi in the box and went down. Oliver had a good view of that and said ‘no way’. Interesting really because it was basically the same thing Maguire did and got sent off. Maguire’s contact was completely accidental as a player ran across his path, and N’Didi didn’t intentionally play his man either. Not sure what the difference is there other than the unofficial law that says Burnley are not allowed to have penalties. A couple of refs forgot about that recently and they had two in as many games, but obviously the memo has gone round again and normal service is resumed. Morgan headed the winner in stoppage time (the 10th goal in added time Burnley have conceded this season) but Burnley still had a great chance to level seconds later, only for Vydra to be denied by Schmeichel. Burnley are right back in the shit now, which feels weird because they had a run where they seemed to win every week. Then they lose a few and suddenly they’re neck and neck with Cardiff again. It’s all good though, we need them fighting for their lives when they play City. Down on the south coast my boy Ryan Fraser was denied by the post in the opening stages of Bournemouth’s dramatic draw with Newcastle. Hell of a long journey for the fans that. I feel sorry for them actually. A seven hour coach journey with only deluded Geordies for company. Fate worse than death that. Decent game though at least. Rondon broke the deadlock with a glorious free-kick after the worm with eyebrows had been fouled by Ibe. King equalised from the spot after the eagle eyed (and sparrow faced) Mike Dean spotted a foul on Ake. Wilson then thought he’d headed Bournemouth in front but Dummett got back to make a brilliant goal-line clearance. Tremendous that. King bagged his second after good work by Solanke but former Bournemouth man Matt Ritchie stunned the home crowd when he lashed in an equaliser four minutes into stoppage time. He celebrated it too, which isn’t something you see too often these days. He knew he was going to get stick for it and was at great pains to point out afterwards how grateful he is to Bournemouth and how much he owes them. I think he handled it well to be honest. I mean, your team is in a relegation battle and you score a screamer with the last kick of the game to earn a point, you’d have to be pretty fucking weird not to get a bit caught up in the moment. As long as you don’t give it the full Adebayor there’s nothing wrong with being happy at scoring against your old team. That being said, the Adebayor celebration might be the funniest one I’ve ever seen. Truly glorious that was. Onto Sunday now, and just what the fuck are Chelsea playing at? Everton can’t beat anyone these days and they hadn’t won at home for two months. They’re proper shite. Chelsea though, what a bunch of fucking quims. Completely spineless they are. I watched the first half an hour or so and then had to go out. I expected to check in later and see that Chelsea had won by three or four because they were murdering Everton early on. They could have scored three in the first five minutes alone. So I could hardly believe it when I found out the score later. Based on what I’d seen there was no way they weren’t winning that game. Hazard and Pedro were causing havoc and Barkley was on a mission to silence the boo boys. The second half was all Everton though based on the MOTD highlights. Richarlison headed in from close range after that bum keeper fumbled a routine save. He’s the flop of the season and it’s not even close. The Chelsea keeper I mean, not Richarlison. He’s actually been pretty good and may have done enough to earn himself a move to a decent club this summer. He won a penalty which Sigurdsson put too close to the keeper, who again made a meal of it and fumbled it straight back Sigurdsson who tapped in the rebound to make it 2-0. Fuck both of these losers. The game was only a few minutes old and Chelsea fans were singing about Gerrard’s slip. What the actual fuck? It’s Everton. At Goodison. Why are they singing about something that happened to Liverpool five years ago? I don’t understand the motivation. Are they looking to make friends and impress Evertonians? Sad bastards. Tell you something else. Hazard is not a great player. He’s massively talented (top five in the world, easily) but great players take games by the scruff of the neck and drag their team-mates over the line. The only time this little twat does that is when he’s playing us. He’ll be in Lionel Messi mode at Anfield in a few weeks time, absolutely no doubt about it. The sooner he fucks off the better, the little fair weather cunt. Chelsea won’t get top four now. I thought they might as it was in their hands and they’d have gone fourth if they’d won this, just one point behind Spurs in third. For them to lose to a piss poor Everton in such a sorry, gutless fashion, tells me they’re gonna finish sixth as they’ve got no balls. Sarri’s future is about as bright as Theresa May’s, albeit he’s a lot less popular with Chelsea fans.