Premier League Round Up (Jan 29 - Feb 3 2013)

Olympique Newcastle kicked off a full round of midweek games last Tuesday with a hard fought win at Villa Park. New boy Moussa Sissoko created the opener for Papis Cisse before a Cabaye special made it 2-0. Villa's fans booed the team off at half time but they came out after the break with a renewed purpose. Lambert hooked Bent and N'Zogbia and sent on Weimann and Agbonlahor and they were transformed.

It didn't take long for Agbonlahor to win them a soft penalty that Benteke converted, and after that Villa laid siege to the Newcastle goal but try as they might, couldn't find an equaliser and Pardew's men held on for a much needed trois points. Villa's fans then gave their team a standing ovation at full time in appreciation of a fine second half effort that just fell short.

Also on Tuesday, Man City fell further behind United after failing to beat bottom club QPR. It finished 0-0 and it was a game of few chances. Both keepers made a couple of outstanding saves, and Julio Cesar has been in great form recently. How has he ended up at QPR? They must be paying him a King's ransom as he's far too good to be wasting his time down the bottom of the table. Bizarrely, Redknapp also had two keepers on the bench. What does that say to the u21 and Academy players at the club? Massive slap in the face that, I don't get why a manager would ever do something like that.

Stoke took on Wigan at the Britannia and went in front from…… yep, a set piece, Shawcross turning the ball in after Wigan had failed to clear Adam's dead ball. Crouch added a second when Al Habsy could only parry Adam's shot straight to the big fella who had an easy finish. It looked like being another bad result for struggling Wigan but they hit back quickly through a fine strike by McArthur, and then Di Santo equalised to give them what could turn out to be a vital point.

For some reason Sky elected to televise Swansea's trip to Sunderland. I didn't watch it I'm happy to report. It finished 0-0 and it was a right old turd sandwich I'm told. Sunderland fans booed Danny Graham for being a Geordie. The next day they signed him. So many questions. Why did Swansea let him go? Why did he leave Swansea when he's got a cup final to look forward to? Why did Sunderland fans boo him when everyone knew that deal was likely to go through before the window shut? Money talks answers the first two questions, and football fans are fickle would best cover the third one.

I include myself in that, I've slaughtered players in the past and then suddenly we'd sign them and I'd have to do a complete about face. Nick Barmby was a classic, I ripped into him in the fanzine for years, I lost track of the amount of Jimmy Crankie gags and captions I'd used to take the piss out of him. Then suddenly Houllier goes and buys him. Nightmare.

There's other examples too, most of which I've conveniently wiped from memory. I recently found this I wrote a couple of years ago about Sturridge though: "And congratulations to Daniel Sturridge for the shittest goal celebration of the season. Seriously lad, what the fuck was that? No wonder you hardly ever get to play, you’d be an embarrassment to your club if you played for anyone else but Chelsea" Now how was I supposed to know when I wrote that, that two years later he'd be doing that kind of celebration*in a red shirt and I wouldn't say a word? As I say, footy fans are fickle, we have to be as you you never know what's round the corner. I can't wait til we sign that diving Welsh chimp Bale, although knowing my luck we'll buy Jon fucking Walters.

Anyway, hopefully Danny Graham proves to be more popular than the last Geordie at Sunderland, poor old fat head Steve Bruce who was subjected to chants about being a fat Geordie bastard (are they any other kind?)

Onto Wednesday, and Southampton went to Old Trafford looking to extend their six match unbeaten run. They failed, despite taking an early lead when Rodriguez capitalised on a bad back pass by Carrick and some shithousery by De Gea. United's scouse talisman came to their rescue again with two goals to give them the lead going into the break. I don't who's worse, those fans and their hypocrisy, constantly chanting about hating scousers whilst a lad from Crocky has been carrying them for years, or Rooney himself for selling out and playing for that club and those fans all these years. Rooney is probably worse, but it's a close run thing.

Pochettino made a bold move at the break, taking off my boy Jason Puncheon as well as record signing Gaston Ramirez. That looked like an exercise in damage limitation, but they went out and bossed the second half and probably should have gotten something from the game. All they got were some patronising words from Ferguson about being the 'best side to come here this season'. Shove it up your hoop Taggart, you condescending twat.

Chelsea were cruising to three points at Reading until hilariously bottling it late on and getting pegged back to 2-2. Rafa must be sick of the sight of Brian McDermott. Remember when he brought Reading to Anfield for an FA Cup replay and knocked us out? He's got the Indian sign over Benitez it seems, maybe if he gets another result against him he'll get to keep him? Chelsea fans certainly wouldn't object, anything to get rid of him. They absolutely despise Rafa, I don't think people actually realise the extent of it. Their forums are a sight to behold at the moment, I've never seen anything like it. They hate him more than I hate Jon Walters and nicknames on shirts.

Chelsea completely threw this one away, it was inexcusable. They were so much on top that Reading didn't have any kind of goal attempt until late in the second half and failed to even win a single corner all game.

Mata put Chelsea ahead from a Torres pass, and then Lampard headed in a second. Chelsea have made some crazy, fucked up decisions in recent years, but not giving Lampard a new contract may be the worst yet. He's comfortably one of their three best players even now, he looks no different now than he did five years ago. I reckon they'll eventually cave in and offer him a deal, as no-one can be that stupid that they'd let a club legend who's still getting it done walk away on a free, surely? If they do, top teams will be lining up to take him.

Reading were dead and buried, but with three minutes left LeFondre's smart finish gave them some hope, and hilariously he then equalised deep into stoppage time with another cracking finish. He's found the net ten times in 13 games, which is a hell of a record as most have come from the bench. Still, had to laugh at some pundits calling for him to be called up by England. He can't even get in Reading's starting line up for Christ's sake. He's a nice story and all, but let's not get silly. Probably the same people that were pushing for Grant Holt to go to the Euro's last year.

Chelsea's neighbours fared much better as they saw off West Ham at Craven Cottage. A clearly offside Berbatov headed them into an early lead and then went close to adding a brilliant second after a long surging run. Yes, I did just use the words 'Berbatov' 'surging' and 'long run' in the same sentence. That may be the one and only time that's been done by anyone.

Nolan made it 1-1 with a good finish after slipping away from Berbatov to get on the end of a quick free kick. The Bulgarian was probably still catching his breath from the 'surging run' twenty minutes before. Really don't like that chicken dance Nolan does when he scores, it's shit. Not as bad as Gareth Bale's 'heart' celebration, but still pretty crap. What is it with celebrations these days, they're just generally poor. They could learn a thing or two from our boy Sturridge and his suave dancing skillz. What? Hey, he can come out wearing a shirt with 'Danny' on the back next week and I won't give a shit as long he keeps playing like he has been.

Rodallega bundled in a header after terrible defending by three West Ham players who all failed to make any kind of challenge for the ball, and Fat Sam sent on fit again Andy Carroll to try and rescue something. The big fella has chopped off the pony tail and was rocking an alice band instead. Picked the worst game to show it off though, with Bryan Ruiz on the field everyone else's hair is going to pale into insignificance. Top marks to Andy though, in terms of player hairstyles he's easily in the Champions League places now.

With the Hammers pressing forward looking for an equaliser, Petric hit them on the break right at the death to give Fulham a much needed 3-1 win. They've been struggling a lot recently and have some tough fixtures on the horizon, so they needed the three points here desperately.

A little over 31,000 fans showed up at the Pit to see the Blues go within a point of 4th placed Spurs after an edgy 2-1 win over West Brom. The best Everton side in many a year, and they're getting just over 30k for a home game? Were the Mersey Tunnels closed or something? I know it was midweek, but how long does it to take to get to Goodison from County Road? Evertonians are born, not manufactured though y'know.

Jelavic was dropped in favour of Anichebe which would have caused a riot not so long ago. The Croatian is in a rut though and they seem to look better whenever Alehouse Vic plays. He's a handful, and no doubt he'll be sharpening his elbows ahead of the derby in a few weeks. I'd rather face Jelavic as we always struggle against big donkeys.

Bilbo Baines gave them the lead with a terrific strike and then added a second from the penalty spot following a foul on Anichebe. West Brom pulled one back when Heitinga's woeful touch allowed Long to nip in and score. Heitinga? More like Sheitinga hahaha. Nothing like a bit of playground humour is there. If only he'd been around back in the 80's when I was actually in school, I'd have proper dined out on that gag. Those were the days, ripping into my blue mates about Andy Gray and his 'Tefal head', or Peter Reid being in the PG Tips ads. Good times.

Anyway, Dorrans hit the bar with a free-kick but Everton held on for the win to keep their top four hopes alive. Their form has definitely tailed off a bit lately though, and let's hope that continues.

Wes Hoolahan gave Norwich the lead against Spurs and it looked like they would hold onto it too until Bale produced a wonder goal to equalise late on. Without him they'd do well to stay in the top half, he's an incredible player.

That was it for the midweek fixtures, and all eyes turned to the transfer window. It was actually shaping up to be the least eventful Deadline Day in years, but then Peter Odemwingie rocked up at Loftus Road in his 4x4 and single handedly saved the day.

What a fucking moron that lad is. Balotelli behaviour that is. Firstly, driving to QPR when West Brom had refused him permission to speak to them was dumb, but somewhat understandable as if things changed at least he'd be on the spot to complete the deal before the 11pm deadline. So I can forgive him that. Doing an interview with Sky and talking about how 'we' have enough to stay up when he's not even close to becoming a QPR player was stupid beyond belief though, there's just no excuse for being that dopey. He's had a complete Jonathon Walters there.

It's pretty obvious that QPR and his agent had strung him along and led him to believe it would all go ahead, but they hadn't accounted for the resolve of West Brom being so strong. Credit to the Baggies for not being pushed around, I actually think it's great how they handled this fiasco, but unfortunately they're now left with a player who's attitude may not be what it needs to be. I say 'may not' because it's also possible he'll go out with a massive point to prove after being ridiculed by an entire nation, but he may not even get that chance as he's persona non grata at the moment.

How are the Baggies' fans going to react to him if he does play? They can't be happy about it, he acted in a totally unprofessional manner simply in the pursuit of pound signs. He must have felt a right dickhead having to turn up for training the next day as footballers are brutal when it comes to ripping the piss out of team-mates and the West Brom lads will surely have torn him apart. Still, it's a bit galling listening to Albion fans on the radio slating him and pointing out how they 'rescued him from being racially abused in Russia' and how he should be more grateful.

Would they have 'rescued him' if he was shite? No, they signed him because he could help their team, which he has done as he's been a very good player for them until now. The fact he was being racially abused only factored into it in the sense he was desperate to get away and it helped them get him. They didn't 'rescue' shit. Odemwingie doesn't owe West Brom anything, but he does have a duty to act like a professional and he didn't do that, especially with those comments he made.

He must be cringing every time he thinks about that interview. I'm trying to remember if I've ever done anything that embarrassing, and the only thing that springs to mind is being sat at the traffic lights a few months ago, enthusiastically singing along with 'Call Me Maybe' on the car radio, only to discover a van full of workies had pulled up next to me and they were ripping me to shreds. I was mortified, but in my defence; a) I have a six year old who insists on her CD being played when she's in the car, and B) it's catchy as fuck.

Still, at least it was just three workies in a white van who saw me embarrass myself, poor Odemwingie had an entire nation watching his particular car crash unfold live on TV, as QPR washed their hands of him and left him sat in the car park, like some sad, desperate loser. Within minutes twitter was awash with Odemwingie jokes, my favourite being 'Knock knock. Who's there? Peter Odemwingie" Simple but effective. A bit like the lad himself.

As for QPR, they couldn't do anything else really. Having tapped him up and then failed to agree a fee, they could hardly invite him for tea and biscuits or they'd be looking at a certain points deduction. So they locked him out, pretended they had no idea what was going on and left the daft sod sat in the car park with just the Sky cameras for company.

QPR may not have landed Odemwingie, but they did get Chris Samba. I like him, he's a proper old school centre half and I'd have had him here in a heartbeat, he's just what we need in my opinion. A big nasty, physical bastard who'll win everything in the air and make sure forwards know they've been in a game. That Oldham grock wouldn't have had a sniff if Samba had been marking him. Arsenal could really use someone like him too, so it's a bit of a waste that he's signed for the team at the bottom of the league as he's clearly way better than that. A whopping £100k a week he's meant to be getting, which is insane, especially when added to the £12.5m transfer fee. The fee is probably fair, the wages are a joke though. As I say, I'd have had him here, but at half that salary. QPR are mental. Their other big money signing, Loic Remy, injured himself in training and is set for two months out apparently. Ouch. More money down the drain.

Other things that grabbed my attention in the last day or two of the window. Leroy Fer failed the (in)famous Everton medical. Bit gutted about that, I'd already lined up a clever nickname for him. 'Ifithadnabin' Fer, which has become an Evertonian catchphrase over recent years. He sounded like a bit of a div too, he was in the papers in Holland recently because he bought his girlfriend a horse. A nice romantic gesture, but it didn't go down particularly well as her response was along the lines of "What the fuck are you doing buying me a horse, I live in a block of flats you moron. Take it back where you got it from." Could have been worse, she could have said she liked elephants.

That was funny, but nothing compared to the 'Negredo' rumours that came out of Goodison on Deadline Day. How is it even possible to fit the words 'Everton' 'Negredo' and '£20m asking price' in the same sentence without using other words such as 'can' 'only' 'meet' 'by' 'selling' 'Fellaini'. This is the kind of stunt the Blues always used to pull. Remember them 'trying to sign Shearer' by putting in a bid they could never have afforded when it was obvious he was moving to Newcastle?

They bid €10.4m for Negredo apparently. Around half what Seville wanted for him. Still, 'at least they tried' eh? Their fans were all excited on twitter too, will they ever learn? Anyone can pull that kind of stunt. I could go into a Lexus dealership and offer them a grand for their top of the line model. They'll turn it down, but I'll be able to tell you all about how I nearly bought me a boss Lexus but they were just too stubborn and wouldn't lower their demands. Everton… *shakes head*.

I was also intrigued by what Villa did. Wait, did I see intrigued? I obviously meant I was also 'pissing myself with laughter' by what Villa did. A team that's in freefall and has too many young, unproven players and a complete lack of leadership, attempts to rectify that problem by…. signing a 22 year old unknown from the French Second Division and a kid on loan from Spurs. Good job Villa.

Villa and Everton faced off at Goodison two days later. There was some crazy stat about how when Everton have been at home for two consecutive league fixtures Moyes had never won both of them. Surely that would come to an end against Villa? Wrong!

Benteke escaped Heitinga to put Villa in front. Poor defending, the Dutchman did his best Martin Skrtel impression and was completely ruined by Benteke all day. Even the Blues will have been calling him Sheitinga after this, which kind of ruins it for me. Benteke was unplayable again. Those comments from Brendan Rodgers about how he has 'disappeared' since he made mugs out of us obviously lit a fire under him and had the desired effect. How awesome is Brendan, his man-management skills are so good they even extend to players who are up against our rivals. What a guy.

Anichebe muscled his way past Clark to draw Everton level, as the home fans (an extra 7,000 of them compared to midweek, I guess the tunnels were open again) chanted "Who the fucking hell are you" to Villa. Allow me to answer that one, they're a club who has more European Cups than you do, so get back in your boxes.

Agbonlahor restored Villa's lead and then Benteke headed in his second to make it 3-1. Haha how shit do you have to be to find yourselves losing 3-1 at home to Vi.. oh hang on.

Whereas we had rarely looked like being able to come back and Villa dealt comfortably with what little we threw at them, Everton had the option of simply sticking Fellaini in the box and alehousing the shit out of them. The big Belgian pulled one back and then it was an all out aerial assault, as cross after cross and set piece after set piece came into the Villa box until eventually they cracked and Fellaini headed in from a corner to ensure it ended honours even.

Really frustrating that Villa couldn't hold on. I haven't been that disappointed since two weeks ago when I discovered that 'Hair legend Christiaan' is actually this absolute mess ….



Hair legend?? He looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter without his steroids.

The early game on Saturday saw QPR play out another goalless draw, this time against Norwich. They should have won but Taaraabt missed a pen. Cesar was in top form once again though, and Snodgrass will probably make it into my 'better than you think he is XI' at the end of the season. Aside from that, nothing to say, it was grim.

Wigan played Saints at the DW Stadium, nothing new there you may think, but you'd be wrong. It was new, because this wasn't Rugby and the Saints were Southampton (clever eh?), and Southampton had never played Wigan before apparently.

It was a decent game and Southampton probably should have won as they played well once again. Caldwell headed Wigan in front early on, but Lambert beat Al Habsy to a loose ball to equalise. I said a few weeks back that the Wigan keeper looks like David James' dad, and now he's started playing like it as he's been culpable for quite a few goals this season it seems. I say that, but David James' dad may actually be a boss goalie for all I know.

Al Habsy had no chance with Southampton's second though, a close range finish from Schneiderlin after a good break by Rodriguez with just a few minutes left. That Schneiderlin is quite a good player, he's only young too. Not as young as Luke Shaw, their left back. We should buy him, he's ace.

Wigan looked doomed, but to their credit they battled on and grabbed an equaliser when Maloney tapped it at the far post. Both teams are right in the thick of it, but on current form Southampton would appear to have a better chance of staying up. But then it's only February, Wigan don't get warmed up until April do they? Final one on this, who is this Espinoza fella for Wigan? Very impressive head of hair on him, he looked like a slim version of me out there.

The game of the day was undoubtedly at St James' Park, where Newcastle's new look side came back to inflict another bad result on Rafa's Chelsea. Hilarious stuff again. Benitez left out Torres in favour of Ba, who was obviously booed by the Geordies. That was the least of his concerns though, as Colloccini's hoof to his face left him with a broken nose that eventually forced him to make way for Torres.

Rafa wanted a penalty and a red card. It was unquestionably a penalty, even though Ba managed to get his header away and was kicked a split second later. We had one of those last year when a pen was given against Skrtel, I think it may have been against Wigan. A red card would have been harsh however, as it was clearly unintentional.

Newcastle got away with it though and took full advantage when Gutierrez headed in to make it 1-0. Doesn't get many, but that didn't stop Maradona from saying he was the 'first name on his teamsheet' back when he was Argentina boss. He played him left back too. There's a lesson there, drugs are bad kids. Just say 'No'.

Lampard's thunderbolt got Chelsea back into the game, once again making a mockery of them wanting rid of him. He put all of his considerable weight behind that one. Gotta love 'Fat Frank' jokes, there are fewer players in the country in better shape than him, but he'll always be known as 'Fat Frank'. It never gets old either.

Mata then curled in a beauty to put them in front, Torres being credited with the assist for simply rolling the ball into Mata's path. He seems to have a load of assists this year, basically due to just giving the ball to Mata and letting him do his thing. Assists are just about the only thing he's got going for him these days, he's even been bombed from the Spain squad. He probably should have gotten the hint when they elected to come up with a new system that had no striker rather than select his washed up arse, but now they've left him no room for doubt.

Newcastle are a much improved side with all their French re-enforcements though, and they came roaring back to win the game thanks to two goals from Sissoko. He was absolutely fantastic, he ran Chelsea ragged and looks to be as good as I've heard numerous people saying he is for a couple of years. So, just how the hell did he end up at Newcastle for the paltry sum of £1.8m? Us and Arsenal amongst others desperately need someone like him, and at that price it's a complete no brainer. Yet no-one other than Newcastle wanted him?

Either he's got knees like Demba Ba, or he's got some serious skeletons in his closet. Unless it's just one of Willie McKay's specials of course. Whatever it is, it's fishier than a fish's wet bits as he looks a great player.

Reading's revival continues at pace, Jimmy Kebe's double was enough to give them a 2-1 win over Sunderland. The Mackems' goal came from the penalty spot after the linesman flagged for a foul by Pogrebnyak. Terrible decision, but Lee Mason had to give it as the linesman was better placed than he was. Thankfully for Reading it didn't cost them, they're on a hell of a run of late.

Arsenal edged out Stoke in a dull game at the Emirates. Podolski's deflected free-kick was enough to give Arsenal the points, although for a second it looked like it wouldn't stand as the linesman had inexplicably flagged for offside, even though the ball went in off a Stoke player and no Arsenal player interfered with it. The Arsenal players understandably surrounded the linesman to find out what the hell he was playing at, and the between ref and linesman they sorted it out and the goal rightly stood.

Pulis went mad about it afterwards, accusing the Arsenal players of pressuring the officials into changing the decision. He's such a dickhead isn't he? Wenger just laughed it off, it really was that ridiculous. ""The disappointing thing for me was the number of Arsenal players that surrounded the linesman. I thought that was something you couldn't do. If he has given the right decision, he has given the right decision. You take it on the chin and get on with it." This is him taking it on the chin? He takes it on the chin about as well as Audley Harrison. "I haven't got a clue what offside is now. When the linesman gives it offside, the way that Arsenal players surround the linesman, and the referee then goes over. The referee has reacted after that." I'll help you out here Tony, THAT WASN'T OFFSIDE, YOU TIT.

West Ham beat Swansea thanks to a great header by Big Andy. Made up for him, I'd still have him here if it were up to me. Yeah yeah yeah, I know he doesn't fit into the new style, I know he wouldn't play much and I know it's too much money to be paying someone to not play much. It's irrational, I'm fully aware of that, but what can I say, the heart wants what the heart wants, and I'm still an Andy Carroll fan. I think back to the Cup final, then his performance against Chelsea a few days later, his goal that beat the Blues at Wembley… I'd rather he was playing for us than someone else, but I know.. he's gone, get over it etc

The Mancs won 1-0 at Fulham despite not playing well again. Like many before them, Fulham could and should have had something from the game. But like many before them, all they got for their troubles was some kudos in defeat.

The floodlights went out at one point and the stadium went into complete darkness. "Wouldn't it be boss if the Undertaker's music suddenly chimed out and then the lights came on just as he was chokeslamming Ferguson into a coffin" I thought. Carlsberg don't do blackouts, but if they did….. Afterwards we had to endure Motson and Ferguson's flirting again. My skin is still crawling now, the most repulsive minute of TV I think I've ever seen.

Finally onto Sunday, and Spurs had a narrow win over ten man West Brom. Popov was sent off for spitting at Kyle Walker. Cue mass hysteria amongst football pundits everywhere. Steve Clarke hammered him afterwards, fair play for that, but it always amuses me when you hear things like "Spitting is the worst thing a player can do to a fellow pro" and "I'd rather be punched in the face than spat at". Call me a shithouse, but I'd take a bit of greb to the face rather than a punch or headbutt all day long.

As for being the worst thing you can do, no it's not. It's a horrible thing to do, but it's not going to break your legs like a two footed tackle or fracture a cheekbone like an elbow will. Deserved a red card and a suspension though, no question, and Clarke is right to be pissed off with him. Just spare me the hyperbole, it's a bit of spit, you wipe it off and it's gone. It doesn't knock out your teeth or leave you with a black eye.

Once again it was left to Gareth to 'bail' Spurs out. See what I did there? Quite pleased with that one. They'd be nothing without him, they may as well go the whole hog now and change their name to Gareth Bale Hotspur and replace the cockerel in their logo with a chimpanzee.


Dave

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