After a couple of enjoyable weekends, we should have expected this car crash of a week I suppose. All of those around us picked up points while we threw up all over ourselves against Sam fucking Allardyce. Still, only four more weeks of this torture and we can get back to worrying about which players we won’t be signing.
Hull won at the KC again, as Marco Silva’s incredible home record continued. Remember when Mourinho had that unbeaten home record and people talked about it like it was some kind of generational achievement? Fair enough, it was good like, but he was doing that with some of the most expensively assembled squads in history. (Ironically he's now managing THE most expensively assembled squad in history and hardly ever wins at home).
Silva went three years unbeaten at home with Porto and has now been at Hull for almost five months and still not lost on home soil. WITH HULL!! FUCKING HULL!!!! What’s even more remarkable is he’s been doing it with rejects like Niasse and Markovic. If he keeps them up, give him Manager of the Year. He’s only been there for half of it but I don’t care, he’s clearly a miracle worker.
He won this latest game despite being reduced to ten men early on after Niasse was sent off following one of the worst refereeing decisions of the season. Just staggeringly shit from Bobby Madley. I warned you all about him a few years ago, you’re not going to be a good ref if your name is Bobby. There’s no precedent for it. It’s just not a referee’s name. You can’t be a good footy player if your first name is Tarquin and refs can’t be called ‘Bobby’ or 'Danny'.
Anyway, I digress. Markovic gave them the lead with a nice finish to round off a lightning counter attack, and then Clucas hit a screamer to make the game safe. I really want them to stay up now as they’ve been fun to watch since Silva took over and they’re far more deserving of surviving than Swansea, so fingers crossed for them.
As for Watford, they were abysmal and Troy Deeney absolutely shredded his team afterwards, saying that one team went out there with a set of balls and fought for the win, and the other went out there as though they were playing FIFA. He went over to the fans afterwards to apologise and listen to their complaints, and Mazzarri looked like he was going to take his entire team out on a fishing trip and give them the 'Big Pussy Bonpensiero' treatment.
No doubt there’ll be a strong response from them in their next game, which is against… *checks fixture list* AH FUCK!!!
Hull’s win meant it was vital that Swansea got something from their home game with Stoke and they did. Llorente was back in the starting line up and headed them into an early lead. Arnautovic then missed a pen when he blasted it high over the bar and Swansea took advantage by going down the other end and making it 2-0. If Swansea stay up, Arnautovic will be as unpopular in Hull as dress shoes.
It’s funny seeing this goal drought of Berahino’s though. The last time he scored people still thought Mourinho was “special”. Nothing is going right for the former Stoke man, but he seems like a bit of a dick so just enjoy it as long as it lasts.
Swansea deserve the drop just on the basis that Paul Clement said afterwards that they played “triffic’ly well”. Should be a three point deduction on the spot for that. Harry fucking Redknapp has a lot to answer for, he’s spawned a whole generation of these barrow boy footy managers.
Meanwhile, Boro took another step closer to going back where they came from as they got twatted at Bournemouth. Josh King took just two minutes to open the scoring and he’s had a pretty damn good season on the quiet. He seems to score every other week and has ten in his last eleven, which is some going to be fair.
When all of our main targets go elsewhere this summer, King is making a late run at sneaking onto the “uh-oh, who do we turn to now?” list along with Wilf Zaha and Nathan Redmond.
Afobe quickly added a second following some horrendous play from Boro, who were all over the place in the first half, typified by the stupid dismissal of Gaston Ramirez. His first booking was for a blatant dive and his second arrived soon after following a lunge that didn’t actually connect.
He’s no doubt feeling pissed off about the double standard in that he was booked for going over under no contact, but that when he himself made no contact and Pugh hit the floor, he also got booked for that as the Bournemouth player escaped punishment. Fuck him though. You can’t blame the ref when players are trying to cheat him at every opportunity. You live by the dive you die by the dive.
Pugh and Daniels both found the net in the second half on a wretched day for Boro. At least they had something to smile about in midweek when they beat Sunderland, but I’ll get to that in a bit.
Worth mentioning that neither Ibe nor Smith could even make the Bournemouth bench again. £20m we got for them two. Can’t wait until they offer us £30m for Kev Stewart and Sheyi Ojo in a few weeks.
Meanwhile, Everton were back on the graveyard shift as they took their customary place as the last game on MOTD, and this time they can have no complaints as I doubt even their own fans stayed up for this one, it was that bad.
Koeman finally saw sense and dropped Robles the Clown and was rewarded with a clean sheet. Unfortunately for them they never managed a single shot at the other end in what was described by some in attendance as the worst game they’ve ever seen.
Adrian should have been sent off for a high lunge on Mirallas, but perhaps the ref took into account that Mirallas is a bad snide cunt. So is Adrian though, I can’t stand that twat, he’s an arrogant dirty fucking bastard.
Onto Sunday now, and the Mancs beat Burnley but I didn’t see any of it, as why would I? Fuck that noise.
There were a few midweek games too as teams had to play catch up because of the FA Cup. Boro beat Sunderland 1-0 as the Mackems' season hit a new low. Hilariously, Moyes has somehow managed to make things even worse by talking complete bollocks and turning the entire fan base against him.
“We played well tonight. The players put a fantastic effort in”. YOU LOST TO MIDDLESBOROUGH!!!!
Another gem was “I am used to winning. I’m not used to losing and I don’t want to get used to it either”. Hmmm, he’s lost 49 of his last 100 games and has quite literally never won anything. He's taken that mural in Taff's Tavern as gospel hasn't he?
And the coup de grace “We need to stop conceding and score more”. Ok then Captain Obvious. Imagine this idiot’s team talks. “Lads, I've had an idea. We need to stop being shit and start being good, that’s how we’ll climb the table.”
Elsewhere, Chelsea had some difficulty with Southampton but came through in the end to win 4-2, while Spurs kept up the pressure on them as a late Eriksen winner saw off Palace. Sakho was carried off with a knee injury, and I like to imagine Klopp and Buvac greeting each other at Melwood the next day with a stupid “rock, paper, scissor’ handshake.
Arsenal were looking like they were going to drop more points as they toiled against Leicester, but the thing with Arsenal is they get themselves out of jail with spawn late goals so often that it’s almost expected now. The only surprise to me was that it wasn’t Giroud who scored, it was a spawny own goal from Huth, the big dope.
Good few days for Wenger though, as on Sunday his side came from a goal down to spoil their own fans party as well as that of Man City's, and secured themselves a place in the FA Cup Final where they’ll play Chelsea in the "Club Shop Ty revenge game". Hopefully the little guy can get his hat back from those fucking rats who stole it from him. I hope Arsenal win the final just for him (and also to keep Wenger there another couple of years).
Finally, the Manc derby. I’ve not got much to say about it simply because I didn’t watch it (why would I?) and the only thing I could think about was how much I hate the bunch of losers we follow for making this game completely irrelevant. If we’d beaten Palace then I’d have been all in on the draw (and I might have even watched it) as it would have helped us go for third.
After we lost to Palace, it really didn’t matter to me what happened because there was no good outcome, only varying degrees of shite ones. What does it matter what other teams do when there’s no way we’re winning our last four anyway?
In the end, it was predictably dire stuff as United absolutely Mourinho’d the shit out of City. The only thing worth commenting on was the sending off of Screech, which was brilliant to be fair. What a stupid cunt. Still, I like how when he knew he was already going off he just thought “in for a penny in for a pound” and nutted Aguero. To quote the great Ron Burgundy, “I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.”
And following on from last week, allow me to wish a plague on the families of anybody who described this as a “Mourinho Mastercass”.
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