Some alternative season's predictions, by Mark Townsend

Football, football, football. It's finally back! After an interminable wait since the Euro's of what's seemed like ten minutes the new season is upon us at last. Just to whet your appetite, here's a small teaser of what you can expect this season. Award yourself a celebratory drink for each one of these that come true.
 

 
AUGUST
 
* Zlatan Ibrahimovic to score an overhead kick in his first game and leave Manchester United fans declaring they will win the Premier League.
 
* Liverpool fans to declare "This is our year" in August after beating Arsenal away.
 
* Arsenal fans to stage a "Wenger Out" campaign after said game.
 
* Jose Mourinho to plead he is not against youth players despite becoming the first Manchester United manager in 80 years not to have an academy graduate in his first team squad for his first premier league game.
 
* David Moyes to sign Marouanne Fellaini for Sunderland and say how much it shows "The ambition of the club”.
 
* Jose Mourinho to give Marcus Rashford ten minutes as sub in his second premier league game and then send him on loan to Hull City.
 
* Antonio Conte to sign Giorgio Chellini.
 
SEPTEMBER
 
* Jack Wilshere to score a goal of the season contender against Hull City and leave pundits drooling about how "He's finally starting to show his true potential”.
 
* Jack Wilshere to break his ankle one week later and not play another game for the rest of the season.
 
* Giorgio Chiellini to hospitalize an opposition striker in his first game and get red carded.
 
* Antonio Conte to proclaim how the above red card shows there is a "conspiracy against his club”.
 
OCTOBER
 
* Liverpool fans to demand Jurgen Klopp be sacked in October after a poor run of results and be replaced by Rafael Benitez.
 
* Gary Lineker to pleasure himself live on Match of the Day while presenting the programme in his underwear.
 
* Leicester City to sack Jamie Vardy after he gets drunk on duty free alcohol, and turns up late for training after the flight home from Los Angeles, where he is in script discussions for his new film.
 
* BBC to sack Gary Lineker for "ungentlemanly" conduct and replace him with James Cordon.
 
NOVEMBER
 
* England to beat Slovakia 4-0 away after an Andy Carroll hat-trick and for the Fleet Street media to proclaim them World Cup winners in 2018.
 
* Steven Gerrard to leave the MLS and take a seat in the Anfield directors box for an "emotional comeback". Then give an interview and say "My heart is always with Liverpool”.
 
* Jamie Vardy's wife to leave him for the lookalike she banned from Twitter a few months ago, who coincidentally is now playing the lead role in the Jamie Vardy film.
 
* Liverpool fans to demand Klopp be sacked and be replaced by Steven Gerrard.
 
DECEMBER
 
* Arsenal fans stage an "Arsene Knows" campaign after their tenth successive win puts them top of the table.
 
* Marouanne Fellaini to leave 4 defenders unconscious in one game with flailing elbows and mysteriously escape without a booking.
 
* Alan Pardew to dance on the touchline after a win over Chelsea sees the Eagles move up to sixth in the Premier League at Christmas.
 
* Pep Guardiola to walk out of a press conference in disgust after a journalist asks him his opinion of Jose Mourinho's mocking of his tight trousers.
 
JANUARY
 
* Arsenal to be in talks to buy a centre back and a striker.
 
* Luis Suarez to come over to Anfield during the mid winter break and play one game of Xbox with Philippe Coutinho, sparking rumours he will return to Liverpool.
 
* Philippe Coutinho to join Barcelona one week later.
 
* Jose Mourinho to sell Juan Mata to Everton.
 
* Arsenal to pull out of buying Alexandre Lacazette and Raphael Varane as Wenger declares he doesn't believe them to be better than what he already has.
 
FEBRUARY
 
* Olivier Giroud to score a hat-trick against Watford and leave Arsene Wenger mocking fans who declared they needed to sign a new striker.
 
* Antonio Conte to burst a blood vessel and be hospitalized after over-vigorously celebrating one of his teams customary last minute winners.
 
* Antonio Conte to return to training the next day.
 
* Kenny Cunningham to suffer permanent paralysis of the forehead after attempting to raise his eyebrows and say "high up the pitch" once too many.
 
* Arsenal fans to suffer a meltdown after Olivier Giroud misses three open goals in their Champions League last 16 tie.
 
MARCH
 
* Jose Mourinho to verbally abuse Ed Woodward for not buying any defenders after an injury crisis leaves Wayne Rooney playing at centre back.
 
* Manchester United to beat Bournemouth 1-0 in said game and for Wayne Rooney to declare centre back is now his "best position”.
 
* England to lose at home to Lithuania and for the Fleet Street Media to denounce Allardyce's "caveman football" and call for his sacking.
 
* Arsenal to go out in the last 16 of the Champions League.
 
APRIL
 
*Everton to beat Manchester United thanks to a Juan Mata winner and for Jose Mourinho to blame the defeat on a lack of an investment in the team.
 
* Pep Guardiola to have a conniption on the touchline after seeing his Manchester City side record a 90% possession rate against West Brom but lose to a single set-piece.
 
* Tony Pulis to do his evil Ming the Merciless laugh afterwards.
 

 
* Spurs fans to troll Arsenal online after beating them in the North London derby with a hat-trick by "our boy" Harry Kane.
 
* Crystal Palace to sack Alan Pardew after mysteriously not winning another game following his infamous touchline dance.
 
MAY
 
* David Moyes to lead Sunderland to a creditable 16th place finish and proclaim it his best ever achievement.
 
* Watford to get relegated after becoming the first ever Premier League club to hire and fire 6 managers in one season.
 
* Arsenal fans to troll Spurs fans after pipping them to fourth place, after a missed Harry Kane penalty sees them lose away to Hull in the last game of the season.
 
* Arsene Wenger to proclaim how finishing fourth shows they are ready to challenge for the title next season.
 
* Chelsea to win the league but then have it stripped after discovering all of their team have breached doping violations.
 
* Antonio Conte to quit Chelsea and blame the doping results on a "conspiracy against the club”.
 
* Liverpool to win the league by default and their fans to ask for a statue of Jurgen Klopp to be built outside Anfield.
 
* Liverpool owners to reject the claim on the basis that they've already spent the statue budget on a life size mural of Steven Gerrard.