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No game for us last weekend, just a light training session at Goodison ahead of our big Champions League quarterfinal. City on the other hand, had an energy draining, morale sapping derby defeat to United. I wanted City to win it as it would have aided our chase for second spot and because, well, fuck Mourinho and United. That said, when it unfolded as it did I wasn’t especially upset about it. I thought it was funny actually. While there’s no joy to be found in United winning, ever, there is something amusing about seeing Guardiola and City on the receiving end. And City’s fans have turned into colossal gobshites in recent years so fuck them, the bunch of self entitled knobheads. One of them was actually crying at the end of the game. Sorry, but that’s far worse than lashing a can at a coach or sneaking some pyro in. Should be an instant banning order that. What's he even crying for? Because the league title will have to wait another week or two? He's no City fan. Proper City fans have known hard times. This tit probably defected from United or Chelsea. Wonder if he cried on Wednesday night too? Three defeats in a week for City, and all came at the hands of the two teams they'd least like to lose to. Hopefully they don’t lose four in a row though as we could really do with them getting their act together and beating Spurs this weekend. City completely dominated the first half against United and should have been 5-0 up. The reason they weren’t was because Sterling can only score from inside six yards, and even then his strike rate is around 50%. He’s stalling on a new contract at City apparently, amid talk that Real Madrid are interested in him. Interested in him as what? Not a footballer, surely? I’ve been to a Madrid home game and sat in among their fans, and I’m telling you now if Sterling goes there and is missing sitters like only he can, the only winners in that deal will be the white handkerchief salesmen. Those fans are fucking ruthless and impossible to please. Hell, they don’t rate Gareth Bale, and even Ronaldo has occasionally been booed. RONALDO!!!! Like I said, they're fucking ruthless. If that moves comes off Sterling might be the funniest Englishmen abroad since Karl Pilkington. I really hope it happens, not least because it would be boss for City to get a taste of what they did to us. Mind you, knowing our luck they’d probably fuck Sterling off and then we’d sell them *Mané. *Could have said Mo there but I'm not even prepared to joke about that) At half time no-one saw a way back for United and it looked like they might get completely humiliated. As soon as they got one back though everything changed. Pogba had been trending on Twitter at half time for all the wrong reasons. Basically everyone was ripping him for being shite. Then he scored twice in a minute and everyone was talking about how great he is. The truth lies somewhere in between, but closer to the former. He’s mostly shite but he can occasionally do something good. Gary Neville was ripping him for the blue streak in his hair, saying he does himself no favours with stuff like that, especially ahead of a derby. Neville will get stick for that ‘yer da’ mentality, but I reckon he's right in this case. When you’re delivering the goods week in week out you can do whatever the fuck you like. I mean look at Bobby Firmino. He could walk out for a Derby game dressed as the Toffee Lady and none of us would give a fuck because we know he’d go out there and still be boss. When you’ve been as big an under achiever as Pogba though you leave yourself open to being slated. City were shell shocked by those two quick goals and it got worse when Smalling’s header put United ahead. City responded well and really should have got something from the game but when it’s not your day it’s not your day. And it sure as hell wasn't their day. Or week. They were denied the most blatant of penalties when Young went over the ball on Aguero. Not only a pen but a red card too. Martin Atkinson somehow blew that call. I say somehow, but he’s Martin Atkinson so that’s explanation enough. Sterling then tried to steal goal from Otamendi and succeeded only in diverting the ball onto the post from two yards. Good job for him they don't sell white hankies at the Etihad. Great result for United but I don’t think Mourinho should get any credit for it whatsoever. It was fuck all to do with him. It United’s players showing some fight and pride. As soon as they got one goal back they got the bit between their teeth and went for it. That’s how to beat City, you have to be brave and go at them. It’s nailed on that the next time United face them Mourinho will park his bus again. It’s all he knows, it’s who he is. I saw a fair bit of mocking about United’s ‘excessive celebrations’ but I thought their reaction to the win was perfectly reasonable. I don’t care who you are, if you can’t celebrate beating your neighbours and spoiling their title party after coming from 2-0 down at their place then football is the wrong sport for you. City are going to win the league anyway but from a United point of view they’ve dodged the bullet of City winning it against them. Of course they're going to celebrate it. It's relief more than anything else. It is quite the turnaround in fortunes though really. I mean ten years ago this would have been unthinkable. Moving on, and Spurs won at Stoke thanks to a brace by Eriksen. What, you don’t think I’m going to ever acknowledge that second goal as being Kane’s do you? Come on, you know me better than that. I’m staggered by what’s happened over this though. Even by modern football’s low standards this is pretty fucking sad. I’m embarrassed for Kane, he's made himself look ridiculous, the big dopey Desperate Dan bastard. No doubt he’s been called Desperate Dan before, but that will have been a reference to his almighty chin. Now he’s actually coming off as desperate so it’s a doubled edged insult. I’m annoyed at Spurs for being so fucking scared of upsetting him and going along with that whole embarrassing charade just to indulge his almighty ego, and I’m annoyed at the panel who gave in to him even when it was as clear as the chin on his face that he didn’t touch that ball. The people saying he got a touch seem to be mostly basing it on “he’s an honest lad”. Really? He’s been proven to be a bad diving twat, so how is his ‘honesty’ seen to be in such little doubt? Genuine question. Murphy, Lineker and Lampard on MOTD were all happy to give it to him based on his word and his word alone, because the replays did not show any touch on the ball whatsoever. There’s an awful lot more I could say about all this but much of it will be in the diary so no point in repeating it here. I hope Mo goes out and scores six on Saturday and then lifts his shirt to reveal a picture of a massive chin and nothing else. I can’t see Stoke getting out of the bottom three now which will mean an exodus of all of their good players. They’ll lose Shaqiri, Wee Joe….. and er…. yeah that’s it. Probably Butland too if anyone is stupid enough to believe the hype. Hey guess what, Bournemouth scored in the last minute again. What did I tell you last week, they do this shit all the time. It's remarkable. Fair play to them. Milavojevic curled in a free-kick to put Palace ahead but substitute Mousset levelled. My boy Zaha put Palace in front again with a brilliant goal but as they do so often Bournemouth scored right at the death as another substitute, Josh King, poked in from close range. They’ve got 18 points from losing positions, which is the best in the league. Elsewhere, Shelvey’s deflected shot set Newcastle on their way to victory at Leicester. That Ayoze Perez loser added a second when Maguire and Morgan left it to each other and Schmeichel had gone walkabout. Vardy pulled one back late on but Newcastle were worthy winners, even though Mahrez should have had a penalty when he was felled by Dummett. Leicester can’t complain too much though as early in the game Maguire hit Gayle in the face and only got a yellow card. I can’t stand that Gayle twat but fair play to him for not making anything of that. Thing is though, if he’d gone down holding his face Maguire would have probably have gone, but being honest gets you nothing in football. There are some whispers that Leicester’s players have turned against Puel and want him gone. Are those cunts going to be happy with anyone? May as well just let Vardy and Morgan be joint managers and be done with it. Burnley won again despite falling behind to Perreira’s goal at Watford. Vokes came off the bench and scored with his first touch about five seconds later. Cork then headed the winner. Much as I don’t like Burnley or their manager, they’ve had an incredible season all things considered and if Dyche were named Manager of the Year I wouldn’t argue too much. Don’t get me wrong, this is as good as it’s likely to ever get for him as I don’t think he’s got a great future. This is his level, but he’s great at his level. He’s Allardyce in waiting. Brighton took the lead in unusual circumstances against Huddersfield when March’s shot hit the post, hit the keeper and then crept over the line. March will want the goal, the keeper certainly won’t, so expect the dubious goals panel to give it to Harry Kane. Steve Mouniet took advantage of a terrible backpass by Duffy to draw Huddersfield level. I like him, he seems to score every other week but keeps getting dropped for that big fucking lump Depoitre. This makes me question the sanity of Kloppo’s mate. Brighton’s cause was not helped when Propper was sent off after a losing a 50-50 with Hogg. They both went in in exactly the same fashion but Hogg got there a fraction before him and won the ball, and Propper proper nailed him. I thought the red card was harsh but that might be because I think that Hogg is a dirty little bastard. Darren Moore took charge of West Brom following the sacking of my main man Pards, meaning they have had more managers than wins this season. Mad to think those bums knocked us out of the cup at Anfield. Deservedly too. As I say, mad. Jay Rodriguez tapped in to open the scoring but Tammy Abraham’s first league goal since October earned Swansea a vital point. Rodriguez has his hearing soon about the incident with Bong. Apparently Pardew is appearing as a character witness for him. That’s that poor bastard banned for six months then. Onto Sunday now, and Moyes did us a favour by snatching a draw at Chelsea. That makes it very difficult for Chelsea to catch us now as they need to win every game (which they won’t) and they need us to lose a couple (which we might, given our CL distraction). Azpilicueta bundled in from close range to give Chelsea the lead and he ran away kissing the badge. Really? If Madrid or Barca came in for him this summer he’d be off like shit off a stick. Didn't have him down as a badge kisser, so that was disappointing. Arnautovic created the equaliser for Hernandez and then should have had a penalty when he was brought down by Kante after a terrific run. Chelsea had their chances too but Joe Hart rolled back the years to a time when he wasn’t shit and he made two or three great saves. I was just thinking that I was happy for him and then goes and refers to Hernandez afterwards as “Cheech”. Knob. Finally, Southampton remain in deep trouble despite giving Arsenal all they could handle at a half empty Emirates. Shane Long scored his first goal in six years (or thereabouts) after terrible defending by Mustafi. He’s shite him, even by Arsenal defensive standards, and they paid a fortune for him. He didn't make it at Everton which should have been a bit of a red flag. Aubameyeng equalised and then Welbeck’s deflected effort put the Gunners ahead. My boy Charlie Austin came off the bench to equalise. Welbeck then channelled his inner Raheem Sterling and missed from two yards but he made amends a minute later when headed in at the back post. The officials then lost the plot as Andre Marriner sent off Stephens for a bit of handbags with Wilshere. What Stephens did wasn’t as bad as the one Maguire only got a yellow card for in the Leicester game, and whatsmore he was justified in doing it as Wilshere wouldn’t let go of his shirt and actually ended up ripping it in half. Stephens shoved him to the ground but didn’t deserve to be sent off. Hell, he deserves a pint as far as I’m concerned. Elneny was then sent off seconds later for even less. That was on the linesman though, who went running on to tell Marriner like the fucking school snitch to the headmaster. Absolute joke that was. Arsenal should defo appeal that one. Hopefully if there’s any justice they’ll win the appeal and Harry Kane will have to serve the three match ban. Still seems mad that Southampton are so bad considering the players they have, but I'm sorry, if you let Danny Welbeck score twice then you deserve to be relegated I'm afraid.

Report by Dave Usher Wow. Just wow. The Reds, eh? It was straightforward enough in the end, but it still felt harrowing sitting through it. I don't think I'm getting too carried away in describing this as one of the finest two legged performances we've ever produced. Going through is one thing, but a 5-1 aggregate score and winning both legs was quite something. Even Phil Thompson, who has been part of some of our finest European achievements as a player and coach, took to Twitter at full time to declare it "one of THE greatest European results in our history". It wasn't shaping up like that early on though. *shudders* I’d got myself into such a state of worry in the first half that even when we had a 2-1 lead on the night with only 15 minutes left I still had that nervous, sick feeling. In the end my brain had to have a word with my body at that point and tell it to relax, because this one was over. I don't think I completely relaxed until about 85 minutes though. Klopp’s beaten him three times in four months now. Does that mean he gets to keep him on his mantlepiece and polish his little bald head to keep it nice and shiny? Guardiola and Klopp seem to get on very well, but secretly the City boss must fucking hate our Jurgen. Klopp is definitely in his head. After the first leg the onus was on City to attack but if it had been us chasing the game I would have wanted us to be clever about it. You don’t need to get all three goals back in the first ten minutes and I think Guardiola got it wrong, just as he had in the first leg. Guardiola’s starting line up for this one was ridiculously attacking. That didn’t scare me at all though, in fact it was the opposite. You want to attack us? Sound, bring it on. Attacking us should come with a government health warning. So despite the collection of talent in their side I wasn’t concerned about what they would do because if we could take advantage of their lack of defenders then it would be moot anyway. I didn’t think they could keep us out even if they had played two centre backs, but to go in with only one (and one who is a fucking liability) was madness. Guardiola was trying to show how clever he is again, only to outthink himself. Again. What I loved about it is that Klopp didn’t blink. A lot of managers would have shit themselves and brought on an extra defender or midfielder, especially the way the first half went, but Klopp rightly kept all his danger men on the pitch knowing that eventually they’d produce something decisive. And they did. The first half was an absolute nightmare though and it was the start we were all dreading. A goal inside two minutes? Really Liverpool? You couldn’t even hold out for TWO MINUTES?!?!? All our worst fears were realised in that moment and all sorts of horrible thoughts were coming into my head for the next 45 minutes or so. We couldn’t just have gone there and got the first goal and made it easy for ourselves could we? Of course not, it wouldn't be Liverpool in Europe if there wasn't some tension and drama. Of course the goal shouldn’t have stood, but at the same time it was totally avoidable. I’d have preferred Karius to be just clearing up for the field until we’d eased our way into the game and based on his hand gestures it looked like Van Dijk felt the same way. Still, it’s not like Van Dijk didn’t have plenty of time to clear the ball. I’ll get to all that shortly though as there are a few decisions that need to be dissected, some that went for us and some against. The goal immediately put us on the back foot though and gave City all the encouragement they needed. That moment set the entire pattern of the first half. We couldn’t get out of our own half after that but I put that completely down to the early goal and the impact it has on how the players think. It’s a natural reaction to try to just sit back and not concede again but it’s also the worst thing you can do against City, especially when they were so short handed in defence they were ripe for the picking. All of this is a learning curve for us though. We haven’t really been in these kind of situations for a while so it’s even more impressive what we’ve been able to do. The players will be better for the experience of what happened and next time they are in a similar situation hopefully they’ll handle it better than they did in the opening 45 minutes here. The lads actually defended superbly but they forgot how to play their style of football and couldn't get out. The midfield were given the runaround in the first half but it wasn’t specifically their fault. It’s easy to point the finger at them but the back four were so deep that the gap between them and the forwards was too big, meaning the three midfield lads had to try and cover that space. It was an impossible task because of how many world class players City had in there. Trying to get the ball off de Bruyne and Silva alone is hard enough, but when they’ve got Bernardo Silva and Sterling also getting involved, and Sane hugging the touchline to stretch us, it’s a fucking nightmare. Wijnaldum was invisible in the first half but it wasn’t the usual ‘disappearing Gini’ act, it was just that the three midfielders didn’t stand a chance against all the quality players City had in there. We struggled to win the ball back (which is usually where most of our attacks start) and when we did get the ball the players were too far apart and City were winning it back really quickly. And because we couldn’t get on the ball, we were unable to get the front three into the game. It was torture to watch and we rode our luck at times. City hit the post (decisive little touch from Lovren to prevent a certain goal there) and also had a goal wrongly disallowed (I’ll get to that shortly). They also had countless situations where they passed their way through and got into those dangerous areas on the byline where they enjoy so much success. We were at full stretch all the time and it was all hands to the pump, but sometimes you’re going to have to come through spells like that and generally the defending was brilliant. While it would have been a lot less stressful had we played our normal game, it’s actually encouraging that we had to go through this and didn’t wilt under the pressure. Yeah we got lucky with the disallowed goal but to be honest I’m fucking sick of hearing about it already. Cry me a river, City. No-one is talking about the blatant foul by Sterling in the build up to their opening goal. Why is that? BT’s coverage was ridiculously one sided I thought, but it’s understandable I suppose. The storyline that neutrals wanted was for City to come roaring back and make it a dramatic occasion. Us scoring was going to kill the tie as a contest and have neutrals reaching for the remote control, so it felt like the coverage was slanted heavily in City’s favour. That doesn’t excuse the bizarre take virtually everybody had on the foul on Van Dijk though. There was only Stevie who thought it was a foul but even he added the caveat that “you don’t get those away from home”. It’s baffling. Sterling shoved Van Dijk out of the field of play. He doesn’t lean into him, he shoves him. His arm is extended as he pushes him over. It’s a clear foul but just because people wanted the goal to stand they seem to be ignoring it. Guardiola is crying over decisions that went against him but made absolutely no mention of that one, funnily enough. Fuck him the big bald baby. There’s no doubt we got lucky with the disallowed goal and had that stood there would have been some accusing fingers pointed at Karius for a fairly weak punch, but you win some you lose some. I didn’t see City complaining when Fat Jon Moss sent off Mané in the league game. They were too busy crowing about their hollow 5-0 win. Funny thing is, over the four games this season we’ve clawed that deficit back and it finished 9-9! The ref was erratic, wanted to be the centre of attention and he got a lot of things wrong, but he clearly thinks ‘Pep’ is a gobshite so he’ll do for me. Guardiola had tried to put pressure on him in the build up by complaining about decisions he’d made against them in previous games and it backfired on him when he was sent off at half time. “I didn’t insult him, I just told him it was a goal”. Yeah, it’s the way you did it though, you arrogant fuck. Making a point of doing it in front of the whole world. Refs don’t like being made to look like knobheads, especially ones with an ego the size of this fucker’s. Made up he sent Flat Track Pep off. Fuck him, the whopper. And fuck that keeper too, the ugly bastard. Fuck him and his neck tattoo and his braces. His antics in trying to get Mané sent off (again) were a disgrace. Same with Otamendi, rolling around like he’d had his cock cut off. Sadio didn’t even challenge him, he put the brakes on and then slipped, making minimal contact. The keeper was lucky to stay on. If raising your hands and shoving someone is a booking, then surely doing it three or four times to a player who has his arms raised in a conciliatory gesture and isn’t reacting to obvious and extreme provocation has to be a red? That keeper was a disgrace. And fuck Sterling and his dives too. How many times did he do it? Three? Four maybe? I dunno, I lost count. He was DESPERATE to win this game. I doubt he’s ever tried harder in any game he’s ever played. Defensively he was brilliant and he single handedly stopped about five promising counter attacking opportunities by chasing people down and winning the ball, and at the end he looked utterly distraught to have lost. GOOD!!! I’m not going to say this result shows he was wrong to leave. He wasn’t wrong. The way he went about it was, but he’ll argue his decision to leave is completely justified by the success he’s enjoyed at City and he’d be right. It’s still nice to be able to stick it to the little fucking knob though. Maybe he can meet up with Suarez and Coutinho and they can all watch the semis together. Obviously the disallowed Sane ‘goal’ was a big turning point but I also felt that the attack we had in the closing stages of the first half was very significant. Having not been able to get out and mount any kind of counter attack, the move we put together that led to Ox almost scoring was a big moment as it showed what can happen if we just keep our heads and play a bit of football. It was virtually the only time we got near their box, yet City were WIDE OPEN. All it took was a couple of passes and a bit of clever running ahead of the ball and we were in. Presumably Klopp will have pointed that out at half time. We’d defended very well but if you don’t attack then even the best defence is going to find it tough to hold out. So half time came at the right moment for us as it allowed Klopp to get them together and regroup. Whatever he said at half time worked a treat, because that second half display was majestic. The perfect away performance. Defensively brilliant (did Karius even have to make a save?) and clinical when the opportunities arrived. Who thought we had a performance like that in us? Not me. I’ve been in ‘prove it’ mode with this team and still am to a degree, but if they can beat City home and away like this then they can beat anyone. As stressful as the first half had been, at half time I didn’t actually feel too bad. If anything I was relieved and enjoying the brief respite. Don’t get me wrong, during the first half I was a mess, but having got the break of the disallowed goal and then seen that attack where Ox could have scored I felt as though we’d put up a much better showing after the break. All we needed was one quality counter attack and it would be over. Stevie had it spot on before the game and at half time. He looked at City’s side and kept saying that all it was going to take was one mistake from them or one quality move from us and they were going to come unstuck. They had no margin for error with that team they picked and once we regrouped at half time we took control. The first goal looked simple enough but it was because we played football. Gini was fucking great in the second half. He was strong defensively but more importantly he was brave on the ball and he got us playing. He was going past players and beating City’s press, which opened things up further up the pitch. That’s how the goal came about. He stepped forward and found Ox in space. He played it early to Salah who moved it on to Mané and just like that we were in the box. Sadio’s first touch through the legs of Laporte was ace and he was clearly then fouled (by Fernandinho I think). Whether we’d have got the pen or not who knows, but Mo made sure it didn’t matter with the latest in a long line of cool finishes. Remember early in the season when he kept missing sitters and we were all saying “if he could finish he’d score 50 goals this season”. Well he can, and he might. He’s got ice in his veins in front of goal now. Absolutely lethal he is, the beautiful little bastard. 39 goals and counting. Incredible. If he fires us to number six I think we could make a strong case for this being the best individual season in club history. I can’t remember anything like it, especially as it is so unexpected. When we signed him I was made up but the extent of my expectation for him was that hopefully he could give us the same thing Mané gave us last season. If he’d done that he’d still have been a great signing but he’s exceeded that to the point that it’s almost impossible to do justice to the season he’s had. That goal effectively ended the tie. You could see by the reaction of the City players that they knew it was over, and our players knew how vital it was too as to a man they charged over to mob Salah. Even Karius sprinted up the pitch to join in. Pissing myself at Ox though. He didn’t run to Mo, he just ran to the fans and started yelling like a madman. Then when he was done with that, he went to Mo and just yelled in his face too. We were so strong defensively after that. City kept trying to push forward but they were banging their head against a brick wall. The back four were all great and Milner seemed to be getting in the way of everything. He was immense again. The icing on the cake came when Bobby robbed the hapless Otamendi and rolled one into the corner before celebrating as only he can. Made up for him, the shift he put in was incredible. With us being under the cosh Klopp wisely moved Mo to centre forward and had Firmino help out on the left, but the amount of work he got through was incredible. He’s been brilliant all season but he’s really excelled in this competition where teams actually want to attack and play football rather than just pack the defence and hope for the best. He was tremendous but then they all were. It’s hard singling people out when they all did such a great job. Mo and Bobby will get the headlines and they deserve it, but Milner was inspirational, the two full backs were great (Trent was targeted again and came through with flying colours once more) and Van Dijk overcame his difficult start to dominate. Nice to see Lovren getting some recognition as well and he was voted MOTM on the club’s official twitter poll. I’ll go along with that, although Trent, Milner and Bobby all ran him close. I like Lovren more than most, always have. It’s just you know that there’s always going to be a mistake in the post so it’s hard to completely trust him. Plus he talks too much which makes like more difficult for him than it needs to be. Even after this he was running his mouth a bit too much, but better to do it immediately after a big game than immediately before one I guess. Loads of our fans hate him and loads more think he needs to go. What I would say is that when you look around our rivals, aside from the two Belgians at Spurs there’s no-one who isn’t prone to dropping the odd clanger. Lovren is no worse than any of them, and he’s probably better than most. The nature of how we play means he’s always on the edge and running the risk of getting caught out, but overall he’s had a fairly solid season. After the first leg I wrote this: “I’ve said all season that City’s defence is crap, but the problem is nobody (other than us) is prepared to try and exploit that. Teams are so scared of them they won’t attack, so more often than not their dodgy defenders have an easy ride. Seriously, Otamendi is just a terrible defender. If he’s not committing fouls he’s getting caught out of position. If he’s not getting caught out of position he’s doing something stupid on the ball (see the third goal for example). Poor old Dejan must look around at the likes of Otamendi and Stones and think “how come they don’t get the stick I do?”. The reason is that they’re top of the league and their mistakes don’t usually prove costly. Except when they play us”. I’m not the kind of guy to say “I told you so” but if I was the type of guy to say “I told you so” then right about now I’d saying “I told you so”. But I'm not. I did tell you though. Say what you like about Lovren but I’m taking him over Otamendi every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Otamendi is fucking terrible and Bobby dispossessing him and scoring was classic Otamendi as well as classic Firmino. If one goal summed up both players it was this. Funny how there’s hardly any talk of what a liability he is though. Had Lovren made a decisive mistake like that we’d never hear the end of it. Otamendi seems to be bullet proof though where the media are concerned. I wonder if City fans hate him as much as some of ours hate Lovren? Enough about City though, they can console themselves with the Premier League title. It’s really because of what we’ve done to them people are downplaying how great they are. They’re likely to end the season with all sorts of records and statistically they’ll be one of the greatest sides we’ve seen. Getting taken apart by us doesn’t change that. City are a great side but they have no pedigree in this competition and the way we play is like fucking Kryptonite to them. Both of those facts contributed greatly to us going through. Apparently a lot of their fans aren’t enamoured with the Champions League, no doubt because they can’t win it. My mate John was having a nose at one of their forums and they were saying “fuck this shit competition”. John summed it up perfectly - “When you don’t belong, you don’t belong. They know it too.” He nailed it there. This is our competition, not theirs. They don’t belong. Same with PSG. That’s why they got spanked by Real Madrid, who will almost certainly join us in the last four. Us being there is no fluke. Yes, we had to play a qualifier to even get in, but we’ve been the best team in this competition so far. Scored the most goals, played the best football, haven’t lost a game and in the knock out stages we have an aggregate score of 10-1. No-one will want us in the semis but I’d like to get Madrid for a couple of reasons. Primarily I would much prefer to play them over two legs than one because they are the kings of this competition and know how to win finals regardless of how they play on the night. Over two legs, we can do them. In a one off game it would be more difficult. There is another reason for wanting two cracks at them though. The last time we met it was embarrassing. We were a shell of the team that had qualified for the tournament and just weren’t equipped to take them on. Now we are. We’re equipped to take anybody on. Bring it on. Oh, one more thing. Barcelona hahahahahahahahahaha! Team: Karius; Alexander-Arnold (Clyne), Lovren, Van Dijk, Robertson; Wijnaldum, Milner, Oxlade-Chamberlain; Salah (Ings), Firmino (Klavan), Mané:

Report by Dave Usher Before I get stuck into the report, I need to begin with an apology and a retraction. Last week, in the Premier League Round Up I wrote the following: “The Blues did their bit to aid City’s preparation for their Champions League visit to Anfield by sitting back and letting the leaders have as much of the ball as they wanted while they watched and admired. The cunts may as well have been eating popcorn. They only had 17.9% possession this time. At home!!! I mean fucking hell, Fernandinho had 14.5% possession himself. Of all the statistics I’ve ever seen I think that might be the maddest. Think about it, one player had almost as much of the ball as the entire fucking Everton team. They should be ashamed of themselves. They might be the worst, most feeble, inept bunch of shithouses that City have faced all season. But then that was the plan, wasn’t it? Don’t want to make City play an actual competitive game before they go to Anfield. Watch the difference in their approach this weekend. Bet they kick fucking lumps out of us. Even if we rest some of our key men they’ll be booting fuck out of them on the bench or in the stands, the bitter bastards.” It was wrong of me to question Everton’s commitment and professionalism against Manchester City. It has now become clear that they are in fact just incredibly shit and lacking in any kind of passion. We went there with half a team missing, and the ones who were included clearly did not want to be there. It was a game we could have done without; a game that virtually nobody connected with LFC actually gave much of a shit about. We were ripe for the picking. Yet despite this, we completely dominated the game until fatigue set in late on and Everton finally had a bit of a go. They’re just terrible, and whatsmore they know it. There wasn’t even any real fight in the crowd, let alone the team. It was the tamest derby I can ever remember. If they can’t beat us when literally everything was in their favour, they must be thinking that they never will. 17 derbies without defeat for us now, but at the risk of seeming ungrateful, considering the massive gulf between the teams too many of them have been draws. They’ve stolen a couple of draws at Anfield in recent years and they got lucky with the timing of this one. Had we not been preoccupied with City we’d have fucking battered them. While it’s funny that they haven’t beaten us in 17, we’ve drawn with them twice this season even though this is as bad an Everton side as I’ve ever seen. That’s four points that would have us comfortably ahead of Spurs and right on United’s heels. Everton have had worse teams in the past, but they made up for that by being dirty bastards and we always knew we’d been in a game. This was a glorified training session. The most explosive fixture in English football, the one with more red cards than any other, and Michael Oliver won’t have an easier game all season. He didn’t book anybody and apart from one flashpoint out of nothing between Ings and Coleman, there was no needle or aggression in the game at all. That’s great for us but the Blues must be fuming about it. Funes Mori’s career didn’t die for this. Even the spot of handbags between Coleman and Ings looked forced. Coleman got far too worked up over nothing and it looked like he was just trying a little too hard to play to the gallery. Ings called him a diving bastard a couple of times, but it was hardly enough to justify the over the top “hold me back, hold me back” reaction from the mouth breathing little goon. The fact I’m even talking about it shows how little else there is to mention. It really was garbage. Our performance wasn’t bad all things considered, but we were just toothless in attack and never really looked like scoring. Actually that’s not quite true, in the opening twenty minutes or so I thought we looked quite sharp, but when Solanke failed to take two good opportunities it just drifted after that. Solanke needs a goal more than any player I think I’ve ever seen. He’s declining more and more every time he gets on the pitch. He was ace in pre-season and started the season really well. He looked a real prospect and a genuine goal threat any time he got onto the field. The goal just wouldn’t come and he endured some terrible luck, but the longer the season has gone the worse he’s started to look. He was awful in this game. His touch was so heavy it should have been sat on the Everton bench between Allardyce and Sammy Lee. He doesn’t win many aerial duels for a lad of his size and he just looks utterly bereft of confidence. I’ve still got belief in him in the long term but at the moment he doesn’t look like he’s going to be too much use to us in the run in. He just needed one of those chances to go in and I genuinely think he’d have been fine. The first was a header that he glanced just wide. Wasn’t a terrible miss by any means but it wasn’t that difficult a chance either. The second chance was a bit of a sitter but I thought it was extremely unlucky. The ball dropped to him and he swung a boot at it. More often than not it goes in, but Pickford guessed right and made a good save. That chance goes in probably eight times out of ten but not when you’re in the kind of run Solanke is in. After that he never looked like scoring and he made very little impact. Ings did nothing either, but he had an excuse as he spent the whole game playing on the right wing. I thought Klopp should have mixed it up a bit and moved his front three around a bit. Mané played on the left but surely this was a great opportunity to let him have a run on the right wing where he excelled last season? Solanke and Ings could have swapped around too, just so Ings could have had a run through the middle and given their defence something different to think about. I’ve seen a lot of comments from people writing Ings off. I’ve seen a few calling him a Championship level player. I feel it’s a little unfair to be judging Ings based on this game, and he’s fucking miles better than Championship standard. I’d convinced myself he was going to be great when he finally got his chance, but that was just wishful thinking on my part and clearly unrealistic. It was his first start in over two years. That’s a long time. Still, I would have liked to have some sort of sign that he could do a job out wide though, as that would have given Klopp some scope to rest Salah and/or Mané if needed. I don’t think we can count on Ings to give us too much from that position, although I’d have no qualms with him filling in for Bobby if required. Mané was quiet too but obviously he had far less to prove than Ings and Solanke as he’s got so much credit in the bank with us. He was on the periphery of the game but on the odd occasion he was able to get on the ball he looked mildly threatening. The rest of the side all performed well though, particularly Wijnaldum who was used as the number six, a role that I’ve said previously might be where he ends up in the long term. He was excellent. He took a couple of risks holding onto the ball and turning into trouble, but he was good enough to get away with it. I’d rather he keep things a bit simpler against City though. Everton only produced one moment of danger in the first half when Bolasie curled one from 25 yards. It was heading for the corner but Karius showed great agility to get there and tip it around the post. It was a great save in it’s own right, but what makes it even better is that he had virtually nothing else to do. Playing for a team like Everton it’s easy for a keeper to look good. Pickford has made some great saves this season and has the second most saves in the league I think. I’ve seen him drop some proper clangers too though. Playing for Liverpool is a whole different ball game. You might only have one save to make so it’s vital you’re ready when needed. Karius has been very good since he got back in the side and he’s made a few really outstanding saves. It’s too soon to say whether he can be the long term answer but up to this point there’s very little more he could have done. Put it this way, if we’d signed him in January and all we knew about him is what we’ve seen since he got in the side, we’d be made up with him. It’s what went before that causes the scepticism, but if he keeps this up until the end of the season then it would make little sense to go and break the bank for another keeper. It’s up to Karius now, the opportunity is there for him to nail it down, let’s hope he takes it. For 75 minutes this game was like a training session or a pre-season game. Then we got tired and made a few mistakes that gave Everton some belief that they might actually be able to do something. Lovren was a big part of the problem I thought, because it was one lapse from him that started Everton's little flurry of effort. Minutes earlier he'd put a ball out for a throw in rather than play it back to Karius. It wasn't a mistake by any means, but it probably pissed him off because it gave Everton the chance to waste to some time. So when faced with a similar situation soon after he hesitated when he should have headed it out of play and that allowed Tosun to outmuscle him. It came to nothing in the end, but they got their tails up and the crowd woke up. After that they were all over us as we looked leggy as fuck. If they were any good they'd have scored, but they wasted three great opportunities. Their fans are probably thinking "why didn't we go at them like that from the start?" but it's not that simple. They're a terrible side and the only reason they were able to put us under that late pressure was because we were knackered. The point is fine under the circumstances. Three would have been better but the main thing from this game was to come through without any further injuries and it looks like we did, so that’s a big plus. I wasn’t thrilled at how many regular starters Klopp selected but thankfully no harm was done. It was sensible to bring off Milner and Mané early too. That and the lack of intensity in the game should mean we’re not too jaded for Tuesday, and it was good to have Klavan and Clyne back. Clyne hadn't played for ten months but looked like he'd never been away. Having him back helps massively because the midfield is stretched so much we're now one injury away from possibly having to use Trent in there. Klavan is going to be an important player for us if we progress in the Champions League because it will allow Klopp to rotate the centre backs and hopefully keep them all fit. Lovren isn’t someone you want playing every week because he has a history of picking up knocks. Klavan being back in the mix helps a great deal, I just hope we don’t need him to play left back even though he did a solid job there in this game. I suppose Clyne could do it in an emergency. Robertson had a knock and Moreno got hurt in the warm up. Moreno wasn’t starting anyway, which isn’t a good sign as it would suggest that there is some doubt over Robbo and he was being held back. If they’re both out on Tuesday then that’s a big worry. I’m worried over a lot of things to be honest. It’s mad that even with a 3-0 lead I’m still nervous. There are legitimate reasons for that though. If we can beat City 3-0 they can certainly do the same to us, or worse. If we score we should be fine, but I don’t see how anyone can be completely confident about us getting through considering this team hasn’t proved itself yet. We’ve had numerous collapses even this season so we can’t take anything for granted. I'm almost as nervous ahead of tomorrow as I was for the first leg, but for vastly different reasons. It's no longer just worrying about whether we go through, it's more about the fear of failure now. Blowing a three goal advantage would take some getting over and would be fairly catastrophic in terms of our progress under Klopp. It would be far more of a gut punch than losing the Europe League Final against Sevilla, and it took me at least a year to forgive the team for that one. On the flip side, if we go there and see the job through in straightforward fashion, who’d want to face us in the semis? Fingers crossed, and I’ll see you on the other side. Team: Karius; Clyne, Lovren, Van Dijk, Klavan; Wijnaldum, Henderson, Milner (Oxlade-Chamberlain); Ings (Alexander-Arnold), Solanke, Mané (Firmino):

The Blues did their bit to aid City’s preparation for their Champions League visit to Anfield by sitting back and letting the leaders have as much of the ball as they wanted while they watched and admired. The cunts may as well have been eating popcorn. To add perspective, they beat City 4-0 at the Pit last season. They only had 17.9% possession this time. At home!!! I mean fucking hell, Fernandinho had 14.5% possession himself. Of all the statistics I’ve ever seen I think that might be the maddest. Think about it, one player had almost as much of the ball as the entire fucking Everton team. They should be ashamed of themselves. They might be the worst, most feeble, inept bunch of shithouses that City have faced all season. But then that was the plan, wasn’t it? Don’t want to make City play an actual competitive game before they go to Anfield. Watch the difference in their approach this weekend. Bet they kick fucking lumps out of us. Even if we rest some of our key men they’ll be booting fuck out of them on the bench or in the stands, the bitter bastards. And rest them we should. Rest every fucking last one of them. I've just watched a training video of the fringe players playing five a side, and Danny Ward looks boss as an outfielder. I'd like to see him in midfield. I'd also get Stevie registered again and play him. Failing that, put the under 23s out there, it’ll be dead funny because Everton won’t know whether to stick or twist. If they win, it will be the hollowest of victories and we can pat them on their bitter little Liverpool obsessed heads and say “well done, you finally won one!”. And if we win? They might never get over it. They really were an embarrassment. City raced into a 3-0 lead and then went into ‘stop hitting them, they’re already dead’ mode. They even allowed the Blues to salvage a tiny little modicum of pride by letting them win the second half, but overall it was completely shameful from Everton, who put up less resistance than League One Wigan and Championship club Bristol City. Amusing footnote to this. I had the subtitles on when I watched it on MOTD and when the commentator said “Pep Guardiola” it came up as Pat Roddy Olav. It made me laugh far more than it probably should, and I might start calling him that on here from now on. Elsewhere, West Ham thrashed Southampton and guess who was commentating? Remember that big fuss the other week about his “last game”? I told you then that the cunt hadn’t retired didn’t I? When the world comes to an end there’ll just be a load of cockroaches running around, and Motson reeling off inane facts about them. He’ll still be popping up at Premier League games next season, which is more than can be said for Mark Hughes and Southampton. All season I’ve felt that they just had too many good players to stay in the bottom three, but after this I’m writing them off. They’re fucked. West Ham absolutely battered them. Joao Mario opened the scoring. Well of course he did, and he can give me the assist for that one after I wrote this about him following West Ham’s last game: “As for the football side of it, you know how there are just some players who you look at and think “what’s the point of him, what does he do?”. Top of that list for me at the moment is Joao Mario from West Ham. What an absolutely pointless bastard he is. Never does anything. Doesn’t score, doesn’t create, he’s just out there, running around with his big old wage slip around his neck”. Arnautovic made it 2-0 soon after and gestured furiously at “Useless”. Pretty sure he did the same thing earlier in the season when he scored at Stoke. He must really fucking hate Mark Hughes, which makes two of us. He was asked about it afterwards and said: "I respect Mark Hughes and what he's done for me but I heard some things when he was talking about me and they were not good things. I’m only doing my job, and if I score against Mark Hughes' team, it's nothing personal. I try to score in every game and I don't feel sorry for anybody: If we win and I score that's fine, nothing else matters. "I don't care what he says - I perform on the pitch and I try to let my feet do the talking. Of course I'm grateful what he did for me at Stoke when he was my coach, but if he wants to say bad things about me, that's up to him." I had a bit of a search to see what Hughes had said and all I could find was some fairly tame stuff accusing Arnautovic of winding up the crowd at Stoke in that game I just referenced. Still, I don’t think anyone needs much of a reason to dislike ’Sparkeh’ so I’m certainly not going to sit in judgement of Arnautovic. He scored his second of the game in first half stoppage time but this time celebrated with a smile rather than a snarl. Southampton offered nothing, even though my boy Charlie Austin was back and started alongside my other boy, Gabbiadini. You can’t be losing 3-0 at West Ham if you want to stay up. Stoke look like they’re going down too, which got me thinking; would Hughes be the first manager to take two teams down in the same season? Surely he would be, although maybe Pards has done it too as he’s had loads of jobs and is always bumming around the relegation zone. Rafa looks like he’s got Newcastle safe now but Huddersfield are teetering over the precipice after their loss up on Tyneside. That Ayoze Perez loser got the only goal of the game ten minutes from time. They had most of the chances and deserved the win. Huddersfield are competitive in every game but they just lack quality and that big bricky Depoitre is still somehow getting games. The Mancs beat Swansea at Old Trafford. I didn’t watch it, obviously, I mean why would I? They went a couple of goals up early doors and that’s how it finished, which isn’t surprising as it’s not like Mourinho is going to tell them to go for more goals is it? Apparently him and Carvalhal did their press conferences together afterwards. Get a room you fucking weapons. Carvalhal had grown on me recently but I should have known to always trust my initial impression, as it’s rarely wrong. He is indeed a tool. Fuck him, the little Mourinho sycophant. He’s just a Poundland AVB, or a Harrods Marco Silva. Bournemouth were involved in yet another dramatic finish. So many of their games end up going right down to the wire and more often than not it seems like they are on the right end of it. Watford took the lead with some random foreign player I’d never heard of before. They must have a squad of about 60 players. Every week they wheel another one out, it’s mad. Their lead didn’t last long as they conceded in bizarre circumstances. The keeper made a save but the ball looped up in the air. Ibe was going for it and Holebas just decided to punch it away before Ibe reached it. On the replay you can see it’s absolutely blatant, but at the time no-one really appealed and Holebas was a picture of innocence. It was great, it reminded me of when Father Ted kicked Bishop Brennan up the arse and then denied it on the basis of “why would I ever do that? You must have imagined it”. Unfortunately for Holebas the ref wasn’t fooled and after a few seconds he blew the whistle. The delay was no doubt down to him trying to process it; “Wait, did he actually just swat that ball away with his hand? He can’t have done, I mean why would you do that? But I saw it, I’m sure he did. Penalty”. Josh King converted the spot kick but Perreira’s pea roller restored Watford’s lead. Defoe pounced deep into stoppage time to earn Eddie Howe’s men a valuable point. Both of these teams are virtually safe now. At the start of the season I thought Bournemouth would go down, but Nice Guy Eddie has done a great job with them once again. Ashley Barnes scored a ridiculously good goal to set Burnley on their way to victory at West Brom. It wasn’t as aesthetically pleasing as Ronaldo’s in Turin but then that’s Ashley Barnes and Burnley all over isn’t it? Effective but a right ugly duckling. Wood made it 2-0 with a goal against his former club. He half celebrated but thought better of it. You know how I feel about that whole ‘not celebrating out of respect’ nonsense, but given how bad West Brom are I think Wood has done the honourable thing there. Rondon pulled one back and despite the Baggies piling on the pressure late they couldn’t force an equaliser. With West Brom as good as down and having lost eight on the bounce they decided they don’t want Pardew to be the Gatekeeper anymore and they banished my sweet Prince from his castle (one for the TLW old school among you there). Leicester are still pushing hard for a European place after winning at Brighton. Schmeichel made a good save to keep out a penalty by Murray and Iborra’s late header put them ahead before Vardy wrapped it up in the seventh minute of added time. Good day for Leicester overall but not a good day for N’Didi, who was sent off for two yellow cards having also conceded the pen. Onto Sunday now. Arsenal were terrible against Stoke and after 75 minutes it was goalless and the few thousand fans that turned up were not happy. It ended up 3-0 largely thanks to two dodgy pens, but nobody was fooled by it. This is the most irrelevant Arsenal side I can ever remember. They’re just nothing, utterly pointless. Arsenal Fan TV is the only thing even keeping them relevant these days. What must make it even worse for them is that Spurs are a club on the up. They’re pushing us hard for third spot and considering that I’d rather drink turps and piss on a bonfire than ever admit that United are the second best team in the country, that leaves Spurs as the only legitimate challenger to us as “best of the rest”. With that in mind, a draw would probably have suited us best when they travelled to Stamford Bridge, but given a choice I’d have preferred a Chelsea win. From a pragmatic point of view a Chelsea win would have been the worst result in terms of our top four chances, but I’m just so fucking sick of Spurs I wanted them to lose so we could tighten our grip on third. It was looking good too when Lloris flapped at a cross and Morata capitalised, but Spurs are made of sterner stuff these days and they came back to win 3-1. Seeing Caballero in goal for Chelsea really caught me off guard though. How long has he been there? Tell you what else caught me off guard. Caballero is Argentinian. I had no idea. Not only that, he actually plays for Argentina when Romero doesn’t. How can one of the world’s top football nations be having to choose between two keepers who can’t get a game at club level? It doesn’t seem right. Obviously everyone growing up in Argentina wants to be a little number ten, a boss long haired striker or a cynical bastard defensive player. They don’t produce anything else really, and their keepers have always been shite. Caballero though? The only thing that bum can do is save penalties. He was beaten all ends up by an Eriksen piledriver and his attempt at keeping it out was risible. He was on his knees as the ball flew over his head. Shocking that. He didn’t even look like a goalie, falling all over the place like a drunk leaving a pub. Two goals from Alli (his first was Bergkamp-esque) wrapped it up for Spurs who in the end were worthy winners but had Andre Marriner to thank for not sending off Lamela and Vertonghen for over the ball challenges. He didn’t even award free kicks. I take back what I said about him being the only decent ref, he’s just not as shit as the rest. It’s just not right at Chelsea though. It hasn’t been all season. It feels like I’m saying it every other week, but there’s just something a bit off with them and Conte this year. Apparently he’s sick of it and is desperate to leave now. If that’s the case the players will have picked up on that and it explains a lot. It seems the reason for his displeasure is he’s sick of not being the one deciding on who they buy and sell. Can’t blame him for not being happy about that, but then it was like that last year when they won the title. He wasn’t complaining then was he? Obviously he didn’t want Ross Barkley (has he even played yet? He's got future West Ham player written all over him) but I assume they did that because he was cheap and it helped with the English quota. There’s loads of other players there who were clearly Conte signings. Zapawhatshisname the right back is presumably his, as is Giroud and I’d assume the left back from Roma was another one. It looks like they’ve got themselves a “Brendan v the Committee” situation going on and that’s only ever going to end in tears. The first club on the phone to Conte should be Arsenal. They aren’t going to get anyone better than him but they probably aren’t arsed anyway as it doesn’t look like they have any intention of bin bagging Wenger does it? He’ll be in charge of one of the cockroach teams Motson is commentating on.

Report by Dave Usher Sometimes you just run out of things to say about these kind of nights. Given all the things we've seen in our lifetimes nothing should surprise us anymore, and yet I think all of us will have been shocked to some degree by what happened here. Not the scoring three goals part, that’s almost par for the course these days. The clean sheet was a big surprise but even that in itself wasn’t exactly unheard of. Any team can ride their luck and keep a clean, especially if the keeper has an inspired day. So yeah, I could have conceivably seen a way how we’d keep them out, even though I would have thought it unlikely. Keeping a clean sheet without Karius even having to make a save though? Preventing City from having a single attempt on target? There’s no way we could do that. No way anyone could. Yet we did. That was the most impressive and without doubt the most staggering thing about this win. The old adage about a game of two halves sums this one up perfectly. We played two vastly different styles but Klopp got the better of Guardiola with both. The first half was as good a performance as we could possibly have hoped for. In fact it was probably better than we could have hoped for. I’ll be honest, I thought we’d lose this game. That’s not like me but I had a terrible feeling of impending doom all day and I was worried the constant bragging about how ‘the power of Anfield’ would see us through would end up backfiring on us. Instead it was the dismissive, sneering words coming from Manchester that backfired on them. Playing at Napoli or in Argentina means nothing. I’m not saying they aren’t hostile atmospheres, far from it. They’re probably more hostile than Anfield actually. What people don’t seem to understand though is that it isn’t about hostility. We haven’t pulled off all these remarkable European wins against all odds because we shout and scream abuse at the opposition. That’s part of it, but players get that all the time and that alone wouldn’t bother great teams in the way that Anfield has time and time again. If it was just about snarling and being abusive to the opposition then Everton would win the league every year. It’s much more than that, and some of it isn’t even explainable. It’s about history, tradition, belief, you can even call it magic if you like. Anfield on European nights definitely has an impact on the opposition but it’s more about what it does to OUR players. It inspires them to raise their game to a level whereby they feel they can defeat anyone, and often they have. It’s funny hearing fans of other clubs dismiss it as “waving a few flags and singing YNWA”. They just don’t get it, but then how could they? No other club in England (or for that matter Europe) has this, so how can they know? Their ignorance is understandable, as is their scorn, which is borne out of jealousy. Of course they're sick of hearing about it. Wouldn't you be if it was United or (don't laugh) Chelsea? Other English clubs have had success in Europe, but generally it’s because they’ve been better than the teams they’ve faced. The team has got them results, not the fans. With us it’s a combination of both. We don’t need to have the best team, we just need to be decent and the fans can do the rest to help them over the line. We can pull off results against anybody and because it’s happened so often that it almost becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. We shouldn’t be able to beat City 3-0 and stop them from even having a shot on target. We shouldn’t have been able to score three in 20 minutes to beat Dortmund, or beat Chelsea or Juventus when we had the likes of Djimi Traore, Igor Biscan and Anthony Le Tallec on the pitch. Yet we did, and that’s only the tip of the iceberg. I don’t know how much the atmosphere bothered City’s players. I suspect it did to a degree, but that isn’t why we won the game. It was what it did to our lads that won the game. To a man they were brilliant but we got superhuman efforts out of some of them. That’s what Anfield does. City started the game quite well so it’s not like they showed up and just shat themselves. But Klopp’s tactical approach soon began to pay off. It was controlled ferocity. The players fed off the incredible atmosphere and the fans cranked it up even more when they saw what they were getting from the players. When City had the ball there was nowhere for them to go. We did to them what teams so often try to do to us, except the difference is when we got the ball we flew at them from all angles and at ridiculous speed. I’ve said all season that City’s defence is crap, but the problem is nobody (other than us) is prepared to try and exploit that. Teams are so scared of them they won’t attack, so more often than not their dodgy defenders have an easy ride. Seriously, Otamendi is just a terrible defender. If he’s not committing fouls he’s getting caught out of position. If he’s not getting caught out of position he’s doing something stupid on the ball (see the third goal for example). Poor old Dejan must look around at the likes of Otamendi and Stones and think “how come they don’t get the stick I do?”. The reason is that they’re top of the league and their mistakes don’t usually prove costly. Except when they play us. Guardiola is a deep thinker and he outthought himself based on what happened in the game last January. Our forward line understandably scares him so he played a weird formation with a centre back playing as a left back with instructions to never cross the halfway line. Laporte was supposed to nullify the threat of Salah, but that worked out about as well for City as this tweet did: Guardiola left out Sterling, probably because he has generally been abysmal any time he’s returned to Anfield. What he should have done is started Bernardo Silva out there, as in January that lad gave us more problems in 15 minutes than Sterling has in three years. Instead, he brought in an extra midfielder (Gundogan) and gave Andy Robertson the entire left flank to himself. Robbo ran riot in that first half, and he and Mané were constantly doubling up on Kyle Walker who was just as ineffective in defence as he was going forward. He’s another one I’m not having. I’ve always said he’s shite and I’m not for swaying on that. He’s Glen Johnson with more pace, less skill and a bigger price tag. He was caught out badly on our first goal. Couple of things to say about that goal. Firstly, I haven’t checked but I reckon we’ve scored more goals from opposition corners than we’ve conceded this season. We’re absolutely lethal when we clear the ball and then everyone just goes flying into the space. Secondly, there was far too much made of whether Mo was offside or not. He may have been, but you’re literally talking about inches here. Kicking off over borderline decisions like that is silly, especially when if the lino isn’t certain then he’s supposed to give the benefit of the doubt to the attacker anyway. Instead of complaining about that, City should be asking Walker just what the fuck he was doing. Milner’s ball to Salah started the whole thing off and although there was a bit of luck when the ball ended up breaking to Mo for a simple finish, you make your own luck as they say, and that’s exactly what Firmino did because he didn’t give up after his shot was saved and it was his relentlessness that created the goal. City had a chance to equalise when Sane was allowed to run unopposed all the way to the edge of the box before dragging a shot just wide. TAA could have closed him down but had he done so Sane could have rolled De Bruyne in on goal. It was difficult for Trent but he did well in what was an almost impossible situation. Although we had no idea at the time, that was actually the most threat City would pose all night. It wasn’t long before we added a second, and what a fucking strike that was from Ox. Again, Milner was the instigator as it was his crunching tackle that won the ball, but the first touch from Ox was brilliant. He added a second touch to shift it out of his feet and then BANG!! Pick that one out. At this point the atmosphere and situation they found themselves in was definitely getting to them. They were a disjointed mess at the back and I felt like we’d score every time we attacked them. We added a third when Laporte allowed Salah onto his left foot to deliver an inch perfect cross that Mané headed in superbly. 3-0 after half an hour? Was this really happening? Could we actually end the tie there and then by adding another couple? We went close a couple more times before half time but had to settle for just the three. No matter, City would have to push on to try and get an away goal so we’d have plenty of chances to hit them on the break in the second half. At least that’s what I thought. Then Mo went off after tweaking his groin. With him went all of our attacking threat. We offered next to nothing after he went off and the entire second half was backs to the wall stuff. Well it felt like that at the time, but looking back it was all fairly comfortable. Defensively this was close to the perfect performance. The back four were all fantastic but it was a collective thing where everyone knew where they were supposed to be and what space they needed to close off. Henderson and Milner were as intelligent as they were combative. Tackle after tackle, interception after interception, it was an absolute masterclass from those two. I’d add Ox to that as well except he was forced into the front three when Mo went off and he was nowhere near as impressive after that. He’s a much better midfielder than he is winger. Wijnaldum had difficulty picking up the pace of the game to start with, which was perfectly understandable, but overall he did what we needed him to do and he played his part. City had a goal disallowed for offside. It was the correct call but it was just as close as the one for our opening goal. Could have gone either way, thankfully it went in our favour. They could have had a penalty too when Robertson collided with Sterling. He definitely caught him and it could have been given, but again, thankfully it wasn’t. City didn’t deserve any luck really. They were outfought and outthought. To a man our lads were brilliant and Klopp really got it spot on too. I was a little puzzled when he replaced Firmino with Solanke but the way the game was going we definitely needed to change something. Bobby looked shattered and the ball wasn’t sticking so it made sense to bring him off, although I would have gone with Ings because of his energy and ability to chase lost causes. I suppose the thought with Solanke was he would be able to hold the ball up due to his size, but that never happened as he lost every high ball that was played up to him. He did well to almost create a goal for Mané though when he ran onto a ball in behind and pulled it across for Sadio, but he couldn’t get a clean contact under pressure from a defender. That was the closest we came in the second half. Not that City came any closer. Their entire game plan seemed to revolve around getting the ball to Sane and hoping he’d skin Alexander-Arnold. He must have received the ball 50 times but not once did he go past Trent, who was incredible. He grew up watching these kind of games and here he is playing in one, and producing the performance of his life. Buzzing for him. City seemed to have almost total possession in the second half but they couldn’t find a way through. It’s amazing seeing us play like that. It was almost Rafa-like and it’s a big step forward for this team as few thought they had it in them to shut up shop like that. Klopp was pissed off that we became so focussed on that side of the game that we forgot to play football when we got the ball back. He’s right actually, we were terrible with the ball in the second half and hopefully next time we’re in that situation we’ll do better. Still, how can you not love defending like that? The two full backs were brilliant, Lovren was rock solid and Van Dijk just strolls through games like the big cool bastard he is. He makes a difference just by being there. He doesn’t even do anything especially eye catching, he just wins every header, makes his clearances and talks everyone else through the game. It was just a night to be proud of, and not even all that nonsense that happened beforehand changes that. When I first heard about the City coach getting damaged I was just saddened by it, but on reflection I feel like it’s been blown out of proportion. Guardiola even claimed the coach was ‘destroyed’. Fuck off, you had a window smashed. Who hasn’t been to an away game on a coach and had that happen? It’s happened to me twice. Not saying it’s right, it’s fucking not at all, but let’s keep it in perspective here. The whole greeting of the coach thing is special, it’s unique to us and it’s one of the great things about these European nights. It has a big impact on the atmosphere generated and it definitely lifts our players. It can also have an effect on the opposition, although I don’t think it did with City. I was there when the Villarreal coach arrived a couple of years ago and it got similar treatment, although no windows were broken on that occasion. You could tell in the opening 15 or 20 minutes that some of their players were nervous wrecks. I don’t think what happened had a massive impact on City and the dismissive comments from some of their players would back that up. They didn’t use it as an excuse and De Bruyne even praised it in a roundabout way (good boyhood Red him). It gave others the ammunition to rip into us though and that’s regrettable. I was actually ok with almost all of what went on, but for a window to have been smashed then someone has clearly thrown something fairly heavy and not just an ale can or a smoke canister. That shit needs to stop, because the last thing we want is for the police to stop the fans from greeting the coaches. The reaction of the City fans to it has been hilarious though. Then again, the reaction of the City fans to everything has been hilarious. What a bunch of fucking losers are. City fans are either old school and so used to being nobodies they have no idea how to act now they’re in the big time, or they’re bandwagon jumping gobshites who have no idea about anything. “Just like United, you live in the past” they sung. Yeah good one. If what City have done is the future then you can fucking keep it. Self entitled wankers propped up by a foreign state with a dodgy human rights record. Yeah I want no part of that, I’m fine with being stuck in the past thanks. I’m taking nothing for granted though and I could envisage a scenario where we go out. It’s unlikely, as I think we’ll score at their place, but it’s definitely possible so we need to be careful. One thing is for sure though, if we do lose to City it will be because of the brilliance of some of their players and their manager, it will be fuck all to do with their support. They can’t say the same. Star man is Trent but context is the main reason for that. He probably wasn’t better than Milner but when you take into account the pressure he was under after some recent mistakes, and that City spent the entire game feeding Sane because they saw Trent as the weak link, then what he did was fucking remarkable. He’ll need to be at a similar level next week though as City will throw the kitchen sink at us early on and we’ll need to weather the storm if we’re to progress. One goal at their place should see us through, so it’s vital that Mo’s injury isn’t anything serious. As for the derby on Saturday, REST EVERYBODY. I don’t want to lose to Everton, but we’ve got a cushion between us and Chelsea and the City game takes priority over everything right now. Besides, Everton are genuinely so bad they might not even beat our second string, and even if they do it will be a hollow victory that they’ll struggle to enjoy. Treat them with the contempt they deserve, Jurgen, and rest the entire team because we’ve got much bigger fish to fry. Team: Karius; Alexander-Arnold, Lovren, Van Dijk, Robertson; Henderson, Milner, Oxlade-Chamberlain (Moreno); Salah (Wijnaldum), Firmino (Solanke), Mané:

1. Get in!!! 2. How’s that “Your atmosphere is overplayed” line working for you this morning, City fans? 3. I hate that joyless dirge which has become our new CL anthem this season, but I tell you what: I couldn’t stop singing it last night. It certainly sounds a lot better when we’re twatting the “best team in Europe” everywhere while booming it out. Fantastic. 4. From the greeting of the coaches to the roar at the final whistle, the atmosphere didn’t dip below wonderfully manic even once (some dickhead damaging their coach excepted, of course; way to fuel a stereotype, soft lad). 5. The crude pre-match categorisations in the press of our game as some sort of wild-eyed, frenetic riot on a football pitch were rendered laughably idiotic by that first half display. It was the most controlled and tactically astute dismantling of a side at this level I have ever seen. Certainly, I don’t ever recall seeing Pep be so comprehensively out-thought before, nevermind his players out-fought and out-played too. 6. We set up with the most compact defensive shape I’ve seen from us post-Rafa and it shut down all the little half spaces that Silva and De Bruyne usually exploit to maximum effect, thereby negating their combined threat almost entirely. We then used that shape as a platform from which to attack collectively (rather than “merely” on the break) and scored three great goals. 7. In a performance like last night’s every player stands out, such was its quality. However, in the context of our organisation and focus, the trio of leaders in Virgil, Hendo and Big Games James stood out as they instructed, cajoled and barked at their teammates in order to maintain control, regardless of which side had possession. 8. In terms of Klopp out-thinking Pep and having a plan for every scenario, the above was clear every time Ederson got the ball. Milner would immediately start directing the midfield into place in order to shut down his precision deliveries into dangerous areas. Likewise, the way the team consistently backed up the clearly targeted Trent, despite making substitutions on his flank which had potential to disrupt our discipline, spoke of the highest quality coaching and drilling. 9. That said, the best plans in the world are useless if the men executing them lack the intelligence, composure, bravery and focus to ensure they are fully delivered. And in that regard, there wasn’t a single player who fell below stellar levels of performance. But what about Trent, eh? He was quite obviously targeted by City, not least by the lightening pace and outrageous skill of Leroy Sané, and yet he didn’t just thrive; he dominated. At this level. The lad is nineteen years old. Just let that sink in for a minute. This wasn’t a raw talent playing off instinct and aggression and having a semi-flukey and well-timed great game. This was a performance of maturity and intelligence at the very highest level under the most extreme pressure. 19!!! 10. The defending as a whole was clearly the work of eleven men. However, let’s not dismiss the other individual performances across our back line as mere collective aggregation. Andy Robbo is now clearly the best left back we’ve had since Steve Nicol and certainly the best in his position in the country, while Virgil’s class is universally - and rightly - acknowledged. However, what about Lovren and Karius? Both put in superb performances last night with the widely derided Croatian having the game of his life. While it would be possible to question the keeper’s contribution in the context of zero (count ‘em!) shots on target from City, what about his decision-making and distribution? He out-Ederson’d Ederson and that outlet ball to him at the back is a huge factor in our greater defensive confidence, while his high starting position dramatically helps our counter-pressing as it allows a much higher defensive line. 11. And what counter-pressing, eh? Bobby for Mo’s opener! Milner for Ox’s screamer! Sensational. Controlled aggression (the best kind - coach-damaging dickhead take note!) was evident all over the pitch in Red, not least in the three players attacking Mo’s sublime cross for Mané’s header. 12. The second half took in a different complexion to the first as we adopted an obdurate defensive shape and refused to budge. Yes folks, this was the much-questioned ability to hold on to what we have. Against City. In the CL quarter-final. To deliver a clean sheet! We didn’t concede a single shot on goal either which is absolutely mind-blowing and throws into relief the received wisdom of a home first leg as being a disadvantage. Would anyone swap now, with a single away strike next Tuesday leaving City with a five-goal mountain to climb? Don’t get me wrong, we’re not through yet and if any team can come back from such odds, it’s City. However, equally if any club can recognise the possibility of a second half renaissance from a three goal European deficit, it’s us. 13. So to that second leg: injuries are officially a worry now (although Mo was back out on the pitch smiling after the final whistle). We quite clearly need to rest some players in the derby on Saturday. However, let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water and make a mess of that game. In my view, it’s still really important we go all out for second. In City minds, we have just gone from the side they were keeping an eye on to their outright nemesis in the space of 90 minutes. We will need every little advantage possible if we’re going to win the title next season and so ending this season in City’s rear-view mirror is important. Plus, you know, let’s put The Mancs back in their cage, too. That said, we have enough quality and know-how to still beat Everton even allowing for changes. As with next Tuesday though, let's not take it for granted. 14. So as sore heads and throats recover from the mayhem of last night, where does this leave us? The short - and accurate - answer is nowhere yet. However, if any Red isn’t now completely tantalised by the possibilities of this side’s trajectory under Klopp then they never will be because it’s certain that the rest of Europe are taking note and marking us down as the team to avoid. 15. Come on you Reds!!! Paul Natton @OxtonSoulBoy

Report by Dave Usher File this one away as one of those games that are best forgotten. Take the points, be happy about it, and then never think of it again. It wasn’t that we were awful, we just weren’t quite at it, but we won and that’s all that matters in the end. Whenever we win a game like this the temptation is to say what a good sign it is that we can win when not at our best. The good teams all know how to “win ugly” as they say. I don’t know if this game proves anything on that score. I’m just glad we came away with the points but I don’t want us making a habit of it as it’s much less stressful when we win in style. Winning ugly is what United do, almost every other week. They know how to win ugly but they’ve reached a point where they struggle to win any other way. Usually when we win we do it with a swagger. We’re great to watch when we get it right, but when we don’t then you can flip a coin as to what the result will be. Sometimes we get away with it, like in this game or at Burnley when we also produced a late winner, but then you have the Swansea and United games, where we don’t perform and don’t get away with it. So while I’m made up with the three points I don’t think it means anything in terms of figuring out how to win on our bad days. I mean, if Benteke puts away either of the two great chances he fluffed then we might not have got anything from the game. What happened was we didn’t play anywhere near our best, we rode our luck with a couple of awful defensive lapses and then we won the game because we’ve got the best goalscorer in the country in our team. It happens though. It’s impossible to play well all the time (unless you’re Man City it seems; have they even had one game this season where they were poor?) but there definitely seems to be something about us and early kick offs. These kind of performances seem to happen all the time when we kick off early, so I’m already concerned about next week’s derby at the Pit. I don’t know why we struggle so badly in lunchtime kick offs but we clearly do and it can’t be a co-incidence. Klopp knows it too. That’s why he reacted so bizarrely when he heard the derby had been moved forward. That change did us a favour as otherwise we’d have been playing Everton on the Sunday and then travelling to City two days later. Yet to hear Klopp bitching about it you’d think we’d been screwed over by the Premier League. I didn’t understand what his beef was initially, but having seen how flat the players were against United and Palace in these early games I get it now. Looking back at the 12.30 kick offs over the course of this season makes for interesting reading: 3-3 at Watford. 0-5 at City. 0-0 with United. 1-2 at United and a scrappy 2-1 at Palace. Not great like is it? As I say, I’m concerned about the derby even though this current Everton side are fucking dismal. We’ll be even flatter than usual because we’ll have to put in a monumental effort against City and win lose or draw there’s bound to be a hangover from that. With that in mind, Chelsea losing this weekend was probably the best result in terms of us securing a top four spot. It wasn’t great when it comes to getting third (I’m desperate to finish above those cheating Spurs twats) but taking a pragmatic view Chelsea losing was the most beneficial result for us. I’ve barely even mentioned the Palace game yet so I should probably stop getting sidetracked and get on with it. I thought we started the game looking quite sharp, dominating possession and knocking the ball around well, but then just like at Old Trafford we were undone by the most basic of tactics. Big alehouse ball up the middle, flick on by a big Belgian centre forward and Trent getting beaten on the inside by a pacy winger. This time Karius was able to make a good save but it was disheartening to see Trent getting done like that in the exact same manner he’d been caught out at United. Even more disheartening was when it happened again soon after and this time Palace were awarded a penalty. I’m in a minority here, but I’m not having that as a penalty at all. Most of my mates disagree, but I’m not for turning on this. Never a penalty, and here’s why. Zaha is running through after a bouncing ball. So Karius can either stay on his line or come out. By coming out, he might win the ball but if he doesn’t he is at least making it difficult for Zaha to score. He came rushing out but as soon as he realised he wasn’t going to reach the ball before Zaha he put the brakes on. Zaha got to the ball, he got his shot away and then HIS momentum took him into Karius, who at that point had virtually come to a standstill. It was like a basketball player taking a charge. Karius can’t just disappear into thin air and a collision was inevitable. If Zaha had just touched it around him then it would be different, but he got a shot off and he missed the target. The contact with Karius came afterwards and did not impact his shot at all. The concensus among the lads in our WhatsApp group was that it was a penalty because the ball was still in play when the collision happened. Not for me, Clive. It was barely in play and Zaha wasn’t going to catch it. Bottom line, he tried to lob Karius and he missed the target. I thought the penalty decision was bullshit at the time and after watching several replays and having a couple of days to process it I still think it was bullshit. Then there’s the one at the other end that we didn’t get. This is a lot more difficult and I’m 50-50 with it. I still don’t know how I feel about it. It could have gone either way as Mané was clearly kicked on the ankle as he tried to cut back. There was a split second delay between being kicked and him going down, but I don’t know if that makes it a dive or not because Souness made a compelling argument on Sky about how his weight was moving in the other direction so it was impossible for him to fall straight away. Frankly I’m not touching any of that as it’s impossible to know. If pressed I'd lean towards it being a dive but it's not cut and dried. What I would say is that more often than not that gets given as a penalty (especially if the ref has already given a pen at the other end) and I fail to see how either referee or linesman could have seen that as a dive without the benefit of slow motion replay. They guessed. Some would say they guessed right, others would disagree. I’m on the fence as to whether they got it right or not, but it doesn’t sit well with me that the officials could not have been certain but just ruled against us anyway, as it feels like that is happening too often this season. It was an eventful day for Mané though. He also had a goal disallowed for offside (correctly, he was miles off) and was denied by a good save by Hennessey when he did well to get his head on a right wing corner. Oh, and he also prevented a certain goal for Van Dijk when he tried to steal it but instead flicked it wide. In fairness he probably did the right thing in attempting to divert that one in as he couldn’t have known that the keeper wasn’t going to save it, but Van Dijk probably didn’t see it that way. Palace are terrible at defending set-pieces and we looked like scoring from every corner we had in the first half. We’ve looked much more threatening in that area since Van Dijk came in and I’ve got a sneaky feeling he’s going to come up with a decisive goal somewhere down the stretch. Hopefully against City. It was a mark of how below par we were that set-pieces were our most likely source of a goal in that first half though. The passing was too slow, we were crossing from the wrong areas and it was relatively easy for Palace to keep us at arms length. The second half was better, but it was patchy. We had some good spells but were also on the ropes for a while. We equalised quickly and at that point I expected us to turn the screw but it didn’t happen. The goal was exactly what you need to do to break down these deep lying teams, and I’m sick of saying it. I’m like a broken record, I know, but that goal was the type that Man City score all the time. I mean fucking hell, Sterling has 20 goals this season and I swear at least 15 of them have been tap ins where his team-mates have got round the back and whipped a low ball across the face of goal. Again, I’m repeating myself, but Barnesy’s wise words from all those years ago still ring true today. There’s only one way to beat them, get round the back. We did that on both goals. That’s what you have to do. Get in behind and whip low crosses across the face of goal. It’s almost impossible to defend and that’s an area we really need to become more proficient in. We’ve got the players to do it, so it’s on Klopp to find ways to get them to do it more often. Milner knows this, he spent long enough at City and he knows how to get it done. He created the equaliser by dropping the shoulder and skinning a Palace defender before drilling a low ball in that Mané expertly tucked away. It’s really simple but it’s so effective. It pisses me off how rarely we actually do it. Palace responded quite well to conceding. I thought they’d probably fall apart if we got one but they didn’t. They came back at us and had their chances to score. Fortunately the best of those chances fell to Benteke, who this year has been an absolute fucking donkey. Two goals all season? How is that even possible for a player of his pedigree. He wasn’t good enough for us but he single handedly kept Villa in the Premier League for three years and his goals were the main reason Palace stayed up last year. This year he’s been brutal though. The first chance he had came about because a sloppy pass from Milner deflected off a Palace player and sent him clean through. The ball was bouncing and it was a little awkward, but his attempt was pathetic. Soon after he had an even better opportunity when Van Dijk was too casual and was robbed by Townsend who rolled it to Benteke, but the striker was falling backwards as he scooped it over the bar. Zaha was absolutely furious, which is understandable as he’s so much better than anybody else on that team. He’s brilliant, a real handful. Mané was then involved in another contentious incident when he handled on the edge of his own box. By the letter of the law, Swarbrick should have given him a second yellow. The reason he didn’t was probably because he knew he’d get hammered for it because he should have given Mané a free kick. It was a clear foul on him and the type of decision that the defensive player ALWAYS gets. Sadio was the defensive player in that situation and it’s fishy as fuck that Swarbrick didn’t give him the free-kick. Not sending him off makes it look like he did us a favour, but frankly that’s bollocks. He did Palace a favour by giving them a free-kick on the edge of the box. Had they scored from that we’d have had every right to be fucking furious. Thankfully Karius was alert and made a decent stop to turn Van Aanholt’s shot away. The game was drifting at that point and Klopp rightly decided he needed to change it. Mané was an obvious candidate for the hook even though he was the pick of the front three. He was one more minor offence away from an early bath and Klopp wisely intervened by taking him off. Oxlade-Chamberlain replaced him, while Lallana was also introduced to replace the invisible man. Personally I’d have liked to have us go 4-4-2 with Ings thrown on to just run around and cause some havoc in the box. Firmino wasn’t really able to get into the game as he normally would and getting Ings up there with him would have made life easier for him. We didn’t need three in midfield, especially when Wijnaldum was doing a Wijnaldum. How many times have we seen this type of performance from him away from home? Utterly pointless playing him in these games. We didn’t have time to see if Klopp’s changes would make a difference because Lallana’s miserable season hit a new low when he won the ball but fell awkwardly and limped off with what looked like another hamstring injury. I feel bad for him. He’s one of my favourite players but we just can’t rely on him. He’s turning into another Sturridge. I hate saying it, I’m one of his biggest fans, but I don’t know where he goes from here. We can only hope the injury isn’t as bad as it looks, but I fear the worst. Again, I was thinking it had to be Ings, but instead we got Lovren. Lovren?? What the fuck? Nothing against Lovren himself, but bringing on an extra defender, to replace an attacking midfielder, in a game we need to win? As I said, what the fuck? Thing is, it worked. We won the game and the tactical switch played a part in it because Robertson found himself further forward than usual and was able to get on the end of a cross from Ox and roll the ball back across the six yard box where Mo collected it and slotted his 37th of the season. Lovren was solid and the back three did very well. The only thing I wasn’t happy about was how Ox kept leaving Trent isolated against Zaha and didn’t double up. He’s their best player, the biggest threat to us, and we kept leaving him one v one against a teenage full back who had been having difficult with him all day. Not great game management like, is it? We got away with it though and held on for a huge win. I wouldn’t say it feels like we’ve stolen a win as on the balance of play (and not getting the benefit of refereeing decisions) I thought we deserved it, but it was definitely one of those scrappy wins that feels like a real bonus. It’s another step closer to the top four and now all of our focus can be on City. I have no idea how that’s going to go but I’m already feeling sick with nerves any time I think about it. Star man was Robbo and it wasn’t even particularly close. He was the only one who performed at his usual level. I expect everyone to be much more like themselves on Wednesday night. They’d better be or we’re in trouble. Team: Karius; Alexander-Arnold, Matip, Van Dijk, Robertson; Henderson, Wijnaldum (Lallana, Lovren), Milner; Salah, Firmino, Mané (Oxlade-Chamberlain):

With not too many Premier League games this week we got some extended coverage on MOTD, which should have been be a good thing seeing as how we won 5-0 and Mo scored four goals. I was really looking forward to sitting down to it and enjoying the analysis afterwards, but then I saw Shay Given and Martin Keown. Not great that, although I do enjoy Keown’s unusual style where he likes to tell us what players are thinking. “He’s thinking, I’m going to cut inside him and get a shot away”. He’s thinking “I’m going to take his legs away before he gets near the penalty area”. He’s thinking “I wonder if the cameras are picking up my new sleeve tattoo”. When Mo apologised to the Watford keeper after putting four past him, Keown knew what he was thinking. “He’s not sorry at all. He’s ruthless”. I like knowing what footballers are thinking so Martin is a valuable resource. Shay Given though? I’ll be honest, I don’t really give a fuck what he thinks about anything other than goalkeeping. Still, maybe he’d prove me wrong? Nope. Instead of focusing on Salah’s brilliance and the tactical set up that allowed him to thrive (such as Sadio repeatedly coming in off the wing and linking play), he was bleating on about how difficult it’s going to be for us to keep him. Fucks sake lad, you’re not on MUTV, turn it in you chip pissing on walloper. If Keown had been analysing me on Saturday night he’d have said “He's thinking: Fucking hell, bring back Jermaine Jenas, all is all forgiven.” Anyway, onto the rest of Saturday’s action. Charlie Adam was sent off for a late lunge on Rooney as Stoke crashed at home to the Blues. It was pretty bad and it’s the kind of thing he does fairly regularly, not because he’s nasty but because he’s a right clumsy slow bastard. To his credit, rather than protest the red card he was apologising to Rooney, which shows his contrition was genuine. He should have been apologising to his team-mates, manager and the fans too, because this was a must win game for Stoke and he condemned them to a catastrophic defeat that makes their fight to survive that much more difficult. A home game against Everton is as good an opportunity to get three points as there is. The Blues are pitiful on their travels but even they would struggle not to beat a bottom three side who were a man down. Tosun scored twice, prompting Allardyce to come out with this: Tap ins and follow ups! Hahahaha. Fucking hell. Talk about damning with feint praise. It helps when Jack Butland is the one trying to keep them out. He was at fault for both goals. It’s too early for us to be able to make a proper judgement on whether Karius is going to be good enough, but I’ll happily state here and now that I’d rather have him than Butland. In between those goals Stoke had briefly drawn level when Choupo-Moting turned in a free-kick from Wee Joe and somehow hurt his bollocks and had to go off. Not sure if Pickford caught him with his studs or if he just pulled something, but he seemed to be holding his nuts rather than his groin. Whatever it was, it looked painful. He was three yards out when he scored and Pickford was rooted to the spot. England have a big problem with the goalkeeper position. Still, not sure calling up Cleatus the Slack-Jawed Yokel from Burnley is going to solve anything. Stoke are fucked. Losing at home to a team that never wins away is the kind of thing that only Liverpool and relegated teams do. They’ve got Arsenal away next, and although you never know with Arsenal, I can’t see Stoke getting anything there. The game was played in a blizzard and the pitch was covered in snow. So where was the fucking orange ball, eh? One of the many great things about 80s football was an orange ball on a snowy pitch, but now when there’s a covering of snow on the pitch the ball is virtually invisible to the cameras. Sort it out, knobheads. Meanwhile, Huddersfield are right back in trouble after losing 2-0 at home to Palace. They went into the game with a four point lead over the Hodge but that’s down to a point now. If Zaha hadn’t gotten injured Palace would be well clear and it’s no co-incidence that they got back to winning ways as soon as he returned to the starting line up. Tomkins got their opener and Milovojevic added a second from the spot. Is it me, or do Palace get more penalties than anyone else? Most teams at the bottom never get them but it feels like Palace get more than any of the top sides, let alone the dregs of the league. Speaking of the dregs of the league, West Brom lost again even though they took the lead at Bournemouth through Rodriguez. Ibe equalised with a wickedly swerving shot from distance that Foster will feel he should have done better with, and Stanislas curled in a last minute free-kick to leave poor old Pards looking sick on the touchline. Jonny Evans has revealed that some players cried in the dressing room afterwards. The lack of games means I'm struggling to make this last as long as a Luke Shaw start in a United game, so we may as well fill a couple of paragraphs by having a bit of a guess as to who the cry babies were. I'm ruling out Evans himself as he's from Belfast. No way is he crying in front of other men, and if he did there's no way he's telling the press about it. So it's not him, so it isn't. It's not fellow Belfast boy Chris Brunt either, at least I hope it isn't. I'm ruling out that big giant Egyptian centre half too. He's too big to cry; it would look fucking ridiculous. Rondon is tougher than a three week old steak so it's defo not him. Jay Rodriguez is a maybe, as is Jake Livermore. Could be Ben Foster too I suppose, as he always seems like a fella who cares and he looked dejected when he let in that shot from Ibe. Not Craig Dawson though, he's old school so he'll have waited until he got home before letting it all out in his garden shed. Nyom? Nah. Yacob is South American and they wear their hearts on their sleeves so I wouldn't completely rule him out. Let's face it though; we're all thinking the same thing here. Kieran Gibbs still positively reeks of Arsenal which means he's defo a bit of a fanny. Nailed on it was him sat in the corner blubbering, worrying whether there is such a thing as West Brom Fan TV and if there is will they say nasty things about him. And that's all I got. See you the week after next for a full round up.