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Some years ago on hols with chums in Malta, I was walking past the doorless khazi and saw my mate sat having a cack. A minute later when I walked past again he was wiping his arse - BUT STANDING UP TO DO IT! Having never seen this before I was disgusted that he did not remain seated to polish his exhaust but he remained adamant that he was in the right to stand and perform this necesssary function. On speaking many moons later to colleagues and friends I was amazed to find that around 70% of blokes stand to clean their bums. I therefore think it fitting to conduct a survey to find out the truth. Please state your prefered method of botty cleaning and why you think that the way you do it is right. For myself, I think that SURELY upon standing any brown gold that has clung on will become spread twixt ones' buns and make what leading physicians call 'a dirty shitty arse'? For this reason alone I remain seated to wipe. Discuss.

LIVERPOOL 1 Heart of Midlothian 1 Report by Dave Usher at Anfield Scorer(s) – Luis SuarezHalf Time - 0-0 Venue - Anfield Date - Thur 30 August 2012 Star Man – Joe Allen Outplay the English Champions and then shit the bed against a bunch of Scottish nobodies. The only surprise is that people are still surprised. We didn't even have the excuse of fielding a weak side to fall back on, it wasn't the best eleven we could have put out but it should still have been enough to comfortably see off Hearts. Instead we got a typical Liverpool result against a side we should be wiping the floor with. Suarez's late goal provided a massive sense of relief, not just because it ensured a passage into the group stages, but it also meant we didn't have to sit through another half an hour of this crap. Hearts offered virtually nothing and only had one shot of note all night. Often that's all you need against us, especially as Reina has become completely untrustworthy to the point where his place should actually be under serious threat. He's in the side as much because of what he can do with his feet as his hands these days. Had we come unstuck in this game, Reina would be getting some serious shit today after his latest blunder. He wouldn't be carrying the can on his own though, Suarez would also have had to shoulder his share of the blame due to his erratic finishing once again. Thankfully he made up for his earlier wastefulness by scoring with the most difficult chance he had late on. Typical Luis that, the goal was fantastic but how can he miss that earlier one on one? It just shouldn't happen, but this is the player we are pinning all of our goalscoring hopes on. As I've said before, it's not his fault he's been mis-cast and is expected to be Beardsley, Aldridge with a bit of Barnes thrown in for good measure, but for the love of God, get him some fucking help before that transfer window shuts. With Carroll bombed out to West Ham, Downing shunted to left back and Sterling and Borini rested, our attacking options to help Suarez against Hearts consisted of an 18 year old debutant with a great attitude but who has a long way to go before being ready for this level, and a central midfielder that we tried to send to Fulham along with cash to land £8m rated Clint Dempsey. I actually felt sorry for Henderson. His attitude was commendable and he did nothing wrong performance wise, but he is not going to give you anything of note playing on the left of a front three. He was busy, neat and tidy and I don't remember him giving the ball away too often, but is that what you want from a left sided forward? Surely Suso or even Ngoo would have been a better shout? This was a strange performance as it's difficult to pick out too many players who performed especially badly. Individually most of them were fine but the lack of quality in the final third was a huge problem. Up until his goal Suarez had been shocking, nothing he did came off and he missed two second half sitters. If he's misfiring and your other two forwards are Jordan Henderson and a raw 18 year old playing out of position, where are the goals going to come from? Defensively we were fine and the midfield did ok, in fact Allen and Shelvey were arguably our two best players on the night, but it was all a bit forced and awkward looking. The play didn't flow and it was uncomfortable to watch at times. On numerous occasions the centre backs were left in possession with no options and you could tell they were fighting the temptation to just put it in the channel and get Hearts turned around. Instead they'd have to turn around and give it to Reina and it was a real struggle. Hearts had done their homework and closed down our defenders when they had the ball. We've seen numerous mistakes already this season and any time I'm watching us now I can't help but think another could happen at any moment. I wouldn't be bothered by that if I thought we were scoring enough at the other end, but goals look like they are going to be at a premium again unless something dramatic happens in the next few hours before the window shuts. That means any defensive lapse is likely to be costly. Morgan thought he'd bagged a dream debut goal when he tapped in at the Anny Road end but his celebrations were cut short by a linesman's flag. Apparently the ball had gone out of play before Suarez cut it back. I've only seen one replay of it and that was fairly inconclusive. Shame for Morgan, that's what he does best which is why I was a little disappointed he spent most of the game on the right of the three rather than in the centre. It's difficult enough making the huge step up from the reserves, at least let the lad play his natural position. Morgan is a fanatical red and this was a huge night for him, it's such a shame that goal didn't stand but overall he did as well as could be reasonably expected. He isn't Raheem Sterling, and he isn't going to do the things Sterling does. He's a goalscorer, not a wideman. I thought he did ok, but as with Henderson, his selection in a role that he isn't particularly comfortable with or suited to limited our attacking play. Most of our best attacks in the first half came through Downing getting forward from left back. He had a decent enough game and got forward well. He covered a hell of a lot of ground up and down that left flank, but thankfully he didn't have to do too much defending. I'd worry about him against anyone decent but would be ok with seeing him play there again in games where we will be having most of the ball and don't have to worry about a decent right winger. Suarez had a header cleared off the line and Gerrard was denied by a great save following a surge into the box, but by and large we weren't posing them anywhere near enough problems. That continued into the second half, and things only picked up when Sterling came on for Morgan. Adam's last contribution was a cracking ball into the box that Suarez almost got his head to, and the youngster was warmly applauded off having done ok on the biggest night of his life. The best opening we had was when Henderson's excellent pass sent Suarez clear, but not only did he over run the ball when going around the keeper, he then failed to squad it for Sterling who would have had a tap in. As great as he is, and as much as I love the guy, this kind of thing happens too often and that's why we need more goalscorers in the squad. A couple of minutes later he had another chance when Shelvey's excellent tackle on the byline sent the ball into his path, but he flashed a shot past the post on the turn. Not as easy as the previous chance but he still needs to hit the target. Sterling had a couple of half chances he made himself by running at the full back and cutting inside to get shots away, but as time began to tick away it started getting edgy. Hearts had done nothing in attack, but with ten minutes to go they started to throw more men forward. They won a free-kick on the edge of the box and had a couple of corners, and from one of those they ended up scoring. It was a terrible corner too, we cleared it comfortably but Templeton wriggled away from Sterling and Allen and got a speculative shot away from 25 yards. It was right down Reina's throat but he made a total hash of it and fumbled it into the net. Proper Sander Westerveld stuff that. Completely embarrassing. Embarrassing from Reina, but embarrassing from the team too as they should never have found themselves in the position where Hearts were still in with a shout in the closing stages. Suarez spared some of our blushes with a fantastic solo goal, and credit goes to Gerrard too as having given the ball away cheaply he then ran back sixty yards to win it back and start the attack from which Suarez scored. Massive relief all round, but very little to be happy about on the night. The Hearts fans were disappointing. Singing 'Sign On' and giving out shit to Suarez and Gerrard? I expect that from dickhead Premier League fans but what's Hearts' beef with us? And what the fuck do they know about Suarez? Nothing, that's what. Walking down Anfield Road afterwards I had to listen to a group of them chanting 'Racist bastard' and 'Luis Suarez you know what you are' as well as them shouting various other crap about him being a 'dirty horrible racist twat' etc. I tell ya, if I wasn't such a shithouse I'd have set them straight. Shocking stuff, there's always been an affinity with us and the jocks, so I don't where this hostility came from (come to think of it, it's probably just Celtic). Anyway, I won't be buying Irn Brew anymore that's for damn sure, smalltime, haggis munching bastards. Team: Reina; Kelly, Skrtel, Carragher, Downing; Allen, Gerrard, Shelvey; Morgan (Sterling), Suarez, Henderson:

Bloody cheating french gits.