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Where? London, Wembley London Town When? End of May What? Footballing champions of Europe I hope AIDS becomes airborne at Wembley on that night, for one night. What a colossal fuck-stain that final will be, tout-galore, every bloke from marketing and ad sales will turn up at Wembley in a cheap suit and be willing to pay £800 a go for a chance to see this. Corporate sales, fuck me, United's usual 29,000 strong matchday Japanese and Indian supporters will be there in official green and gold merchandise, with Rooney 9 on their backs and massive smiles and even bigger cameras. Fucking parody of a parody, art imitating life imitating art imitating life, the end of days. New shirts for the final? New boot range from Nike or Adidas being unveiled? Maybe Barca, in association with Unicef, let loose 1,000 doves into the London night to signify the celebration of life? A game will kick off that will be 100mph for 120 seconds before settling down to something shockingly akin to the World Cup Final, played with the brand new £145 ball unveiled by Adidas for the occassion. Some flames. I bet flames or smoke will be part of it. Possibly a group of 100 school children of excessively mixed race, in half United half Barca colours. Cameras will zoom in and cherish the moment when Rooney and Messi shake hands before the game, and Andy Townsend will tell us how special that is, and how he cherishes it more than life itself, and that of his children, to see Rooney and Messi unified into one single footballer, for just one second. The great and good of Hollywood, notably Robert De Niro and Daniel Day Lewis, will be in attendance to catch of a glimpse of the breathtaking wartime combat-injury troupe, headed by chief choreographers Nani, Busquets, Mascherano, and Rafael. Piss out of my ass.