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Apologies if this should be anywhere else in another thread, but I don't really think it's appropriate to the after match thread. This is something I've been meaning to write for a while and I suppose last night's abject display has gave me the shot in the arm I needed. I've been going the match regularly since 1996 when I was 8 and I don't think I've ever felt as detached as I do now. I suppose it's a combination of things- the wretched anti-football we play week in week out, the Americans at the top sucking the club dry, the fact that very few players seem to care about the club, the constant political battles between the management and the board, the petty squabbles between supporters over things like whether Rafa's the right man for the job and locality and, generally, the way football as a whole is going. The fact that, providing we stay in the UEFA Cup, we won't have a Saturday game from now until the end of the season speaks volumes to me. I suppose it's been something of a downward spiral since Athens, when I saw sections of our support behave like subhuman scum in snatching tickets from families and OOTers who were deemed to be unworthy. That was easily my lowest point as a Liverpool fan and the fact that my dad, a season ticket holder since the 70s, didn't get in the ground despite having a genuine ticket just compounded it further for me. Since then, I just haven't been able to engage with the game and to an extent, the club the same way. There have been spells that have aroused me from my apathy, especially the last three months of last season when we saw everything I've wanted from a Liverpool team. Passion, commitment, determination and above all, the stomach for a fight and strange as it sounds, I felt prouder in going out of Europe at Stamford Bridge after that 4-4 draw than we after did drawing with West Ham to take us top of the League in December, purely because of the difference in the manner of performance. Seeing Torres score all this goals in his first season was something that stirred me as well. A player who looked like he was born to wear the Liver bird on his chest and I also got a kick out of seeing reds I know in their 60s and 70s who've seen it all get giddy with excitement at the lad because I knew then that he was something special. I suppose the change in Torres' demeanour since then kind of reflects my own feelings. I see the sulking, petulant Torres who gets involved in petty individual battles when things don't go his way and it breaks my heart, especially when I think back to when I first started getting excited about the lad myself after that League Cup game against Reading when he took no shit despite getting booted all game by Duberry and Bikey. I'm not just singling Torres out, because I feel the same about the likes of Gerrard and Mascherno, for example- great players and ones I feel privileged to watch every week, but ones I just can't warm to. I hear people say they 'love x player' at the match and on these boards but it's something I've been unable to do lately. Probably the only two I feel any warmth towards are Carragher, because of what he represents, and Reina, because he seems a decent fella and took the time to have a bevvy and a long chat with a mate of mine when he met him in a casino in town a few years back so he at least seems a decent lad. To be honest, we have players who, if they weren't playing for us, I'd think they were cunts. I support them at the match and want the team to win, but that's where it ends for me. I'm passed worrying about whether Mascherano will go to Barcelona or whoever else will leave to raise a transfer budget or because we'll have missed out on the Champions League because I ultimately don't care. If you want to stay, then stay. If you want to go, then go. I'm passed having my emotions held to ransom by players I don't really feel any warmth towards because I don't think it's worth it. I really hate myself for feeling like this, because in every side we've had since I started going the match, there have been around 6 or 7 players I've absolutely adored. When we beat Everton in the derby at Anfield, I took pleasure in in it and loved winding my bluenose mates up because it's always good to put that shower in their place, but on one level I just thought 'wow, our overpaid, spoilt millionaires beat your set of the same' and I even admitted so much to a mate afterwards. I really hate myself for feeling like this. I still love the game itself as a spectacle and I still love the club (I'll never stop that) but I've felt really hollow about a lot of things surrounding them for a while. It's become a really struggle to motivate myself to go the match now because I hardly get any satisfaction from it at all. To be honest, if it wasn't for the laugh I have with my mates and the couple of pints in the pub before and after, I probably would sack it off. Last night at Wigan, I thought to myself 'what the fuck am I doing here?' after paying £44 for the ticket, petrol, parking and ale to leave with a grand total of £15 in my bank to see a spineless performance from a group who if I had my way, would all have their wages docked, apart from Aquilani, Mascherano and Kyrgiakos who at least showed some commitment. It wasn't so long ago that the prospect of missing a home match would knock me sick, but I've been trying to sort out a year of work in Canada for when I finish my degree and I can honestly say that I'm not arsed about missing the match when I think about it. Like I've said, I really hate myself for feeling this way, but it's been so hard because I don't think I've ever felt this disillusioned with football as a whole or certain personnel associated with the club in my life. Apologies for the length, the naff Rawk-esque thread title and if this sounds like a load of incoherent bollocks, but I just felt I had to get it all off my chest.