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Found 2 results

  1. you know what its like, you meet(meat) someone, you spend the first six months smashing the shit out of her back doors, anywhere, anytime, anyhow. No holds barred, rampant sex. Its great, you are head over heels, you propose one night in a drunken stupor, she couldnt be happier. you get married, then it happens.......... fast forward 10 years.......... this is the step by step guide to marital coitus. 1)she fucks off to bed early cos you are watching the footie. you havent had it for 2 weeks and you are gagging for it so you give it half hour then follow her to bed. Right, dont bother trying to kiss her.you both know that you both want to get it over with so you can roll off and get some kip, or head back down stairs for the second half. 2) a quick tweak of the nips will do, spend a minute trying to find talksport on them. 3) Chuck your hand down her bags, you are married so she hasnt bothered to 'mow the lawn'. it takes you five or ten mins to get through the undergrowth and now you are ready for some bean flicking.finally you feel a stirring in your loins, if, like me, your old chap resembles a newborn weasel on an old brillo pad, he will now be starting to stir. 4) Moisture ! jesus ! she is alive after all. i was just about to start CPR. speed it up a bit, second half starts in a few mins. Ok, she cums. 5) time for her to return the favour. She will prob spend 30 seconds psyching herself up before she clambers on you. Simply pop the old man in and hammer away for a good minute (if you been drinking). dont mention the fanny farts. simply pretend they dont exist. Spend this minute thinking of the reasons you dumped your ex who was cock mad and even let you dabble ina bit of 'off roading' occasionally. 6) Shoot your custard. 7) she will prob hover over you for a few seconds when she gets off. this is simply to fire out your muck back on to you, so as soon as he is out , push her to one side, she will appreciate it. 8) race each other to the bathroom, make sure you get there first so you can rinse your cock in the sink while she firs out the remainder of your spud water in the bog. 9) head back to the footie while she scrubs her kipper in the sink. Mills and fucking Boon my friends. Mills and fucking Boon.
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