Teasmaid

To be fair, I'd rather shag the dog than Tom Hanks.

That's just what the Daily Mail would have you believe. There are homeless charities in London that are so stretched they've resorted to giving people an all-day bus ticket, so they can ride the buses through the night. At least they'll be warm and dry, but there is nowhere to put them. Many homeless won't use hostels because they get robbed and beaten up in them. They prefer to live on the streets with their homeless friends who have their backs. Some hostels will only let them stay for a night or two, and they have to find the money to pay for them first. They're not gifted help on a plate. Like any service, you need to have the tenacity and the mental capacity to fight for help these days. Often these poor people have neither.

I see where you're coming from, and to be fair to Ratty he has said he'll try to help them find alternate accomodation come February, but at the end of the day, they're not responsible for Manchester's homeless population any more than we are. Maybe we should all do more to lobby Manchester City Council to sort their shit out. The problem there is so prolific now, more in your face than in Liverpool or even London. It's a fucking travesty, and we should all do our bit.

What next, Turner and fucking Hooch day? Id like to go back. Back to a time when Wednesday was just frigging Wednesday, not 'suicide prevention day' (surely every day should be suicide prevention day!) or breast cancer day or Back to the Future day. Why does every day have to mark something? We all loved Back to the Future, but surely we can like shit without being a bandwagon jumping cunt. Just shut the fuck up, you irritating, juvenile pricks. PS. I don't give a shiny shite if you've booked Star Wars tickets either. Do it fucking quietly.

Happy, happy birthday, you lovely lady. Hope your birthday is as splendiferous as you are! xxx

Nibbits Wheelz. Wheel shaped crisps that came in a massive bag, and cost 10p in the kwikky. Them were't days.

Am I the only person that automatically pegs hot tub owners as swingers? I went to the ideal home show recently, and there were hoards of people round the hot tubs. They all looked like wrong 'uns. Dirty bastards.

After forking out for 3 replacement screens within a month, my husband bought me a case for my iPhone that is supposed to be used on building sites. It's about a cm thick and made of rubber. I could drop it out the bedroom window and it would return, intact.

That must be difficult to swallow.

Only when my drinking 'ed-is-on.

Thank you. I am pretty proud of myself, which doesn't happen often. Our Dirk came round yesterday and took those pictures, but he'd only photograph one half of the kitchen because he said my microwave was cheap and shitty and it would ruin his shots. Cheeky rat. Men have got a right downer on my ovens!

We bought a big old run-down 7 bedroomed Victorian house 3 years ago. It's been a labour of love (and hate) and we're just getting to the end of it now. We've tried to do loads of the work ourselves, but it's been a huge job. Everything is so big, it takes a whole morning just to give a door one coat of paint. We've just had an extension built. Previously, there was a square dining room, with a tiny galley kitchen off it. We've had it squared off so it's one big room. They start this the first week in April, when they knocked down the old kitchen. They rigged me up a temporary kitchen for a couple of weeks (ie. A sink, 2 cupboards and a table) but I came home one day and the back wall of the house had fallen off, so it all had to go. Since then, I've had no kitchen at all. I've had a microwave, kettle and toaster in the living room. I had a plastic stacker box that I had to lug upstairs and put in the bath to wash the dishes. It's been a nightmare. Once the extension was built, we had a joiner build us a kitchen. It's taken months, but it was worth the wait. We'd previously got a quote for a fitted kitchen, which came back as £16K (exc. fitting). It looked a bit shit as well, and wasn't exactly what I wanted, so I asked our joiner to quote for a hand built one. He did it for 6K, it's much better quality, and it looks amazing. I'm made up with it.

Keep your pecker up, Turdsy. Try not to let your head run off with you till you've got definite news. A few years ago, I was told I had a brain tumour but it just turned out to be a fucked up part of my brain that grew all spasticated. These doctors don't know everything. We're all behind you (not in a rubber-gloved sense). Loads of love xxx

Good lad. Always better to be safe than sorry. Hope it's nothing serious, and you're not subjected to an anal probe.

1) Rapunzel 2) Sully 3) Bread 4) An eel 5) tomatoes 6) Remember 7) old people 8) Poor manners 9) Axe 10) John Travolta 11) train carriage 12) paper

I can sense all this ending in a banner.

It really does depend on the baby. I breastfed my first for just a couple of weeks. He was 10lb 2oz, and I just couldn't fill him up. My second was a dream. He'd feed for half an hour, drain both boobs, then sleep for 4 hours. He was no bother at all, and I fed him for 13 months. My youngest was a nightmare. She'd feed for five minutes, fall into a coma, and then wake up after half an hour and do it all again. I managed about 6 weeks of that before I was completely exhausted. I moved onto top up bottles, and gradually stopped breastfeeding her altogether after about 3 months. Women are made to feel such failures if they're struggling with breastfeeding, but I really believe it's down to the baby, not the mother. All you can do is fuss over her. Little things like if she's feeding in the night and you're feeling useless, get up and make her a brew. Take the baby downstairs in the morning (where practical) and let her have a lie in, or out for a ride in the car. That usually keeps the buggers asleep (baby, that is, not missus). She will be properly fucked, so don't give her a hard time if your favourite jeans haven't been washed, or there's dishes in the sink. Just do what you can to relieve her of stress in other ways. And keep telling her she's doing a great job, and you're proud of the fact that she's giving baby the best start. By the way, with regard to expressing milk, it's a massive ballache and sometimes it doesn't seem worth the effort. With my second, I didn't bother for ages until I was desperate for a break. By that time he was about 4 or 5 months and he'd never had a bottle and refused to drink out of it. I think he just didn't know what to do with it. From there, as he grew older he also refused to drink out of cup until I imposed a total boob embargo at 13 months. It meant I was never ever apart from him for that whole year. It was really tough, so I would recommend expressing and feeding from a bottle now and again in the early days, just to get them used to it. Good luck, and enjoy this time. It's over in the blink of an eye. You'll wake up one morning and they're giving you lip and demanding money with menaces. Make the most of it!

They won't oust him now. His win is far too resounding. They'll all back peddle like fuck, and be like flies round shit.

I was at a clinic appointment with my son, and my brother rang me and said "Have you heard? A plane has hit the World Trade Centre!" He rang back a bit later and said "Oh my God! Another plane has hit the other tower!" I said "Fucking hell! What's the chances of that? They've been stood there for years and nothing's ever hit them, then 2 planes hit them in an hour. Do you reckon their air traffic control is fucked or something". He sighed and said "Liz, it's a terrorist attack". That possibility hadn't even occurred to me. I remember feeling terrified that it was the start of Armageddon. It probably was.

Can you contact the DVLA, etc for replacement papers?

You've not seen your kids for months but your 'main problem' is riding your motorbike illegally? You need proper legal advice, but you can replace shit; you can't replace your children.

My 11 year old could have produced a better Panorama last night. Maybe I'm a bit thick, but some of the smears against Corbyn were just nonsensical. "Corbyn is an Iraqi apologist who claims Iraqis had the right to kill British soldiers! This man could soon be leader of the opposition!" Now surely there's not a single fucking dolt in the entire country that wouldn't believe a country had the right to defend itself against invading forces? Am I missing something?

I swear to God, if I hear him say "The party needs unity. The last time the party didn't unite it left Margaret Thatcher free to bulldoze her way through communities throughout the north of England" one more time, my head will explode. I don't think he can even speak. I reckon he's got a voicebox in his belly that spews out one of five phrases, like a toy Buzz Lightyear.

Being asked for 'feedback' every time I buy something. It's like having a really needy kid that needs constant reassurance. It used to be bad enough when it was just on eBay, then it extended to everywhere online. From there it's spread to proper stores, and even if I ring Sky I get texts within a second of putting the phone down, asking me to 'rate your experience'. No, fuck off. It was a ballache enough having to ring in the first place, without having to grade the service I received like a fucking judge on Strictly. The same in shops. 'If you go to this website, and tell us about your 'experience' today, you could win £100!'. I'd rather not be arsed, if it's all the same to you. I picked up a coat, and took it to the till. The cashier scanned it and told me how much it cost, please. I put my card in the reader and the cashier did the usual theatrical 'pretend to look away when you enter your PIN', handed me my receipt, thanked me, and I thanked them in return before fucking off. It wasn't an 'experience'. I won't look back in years to come and remember it fondly. It was a simple transaction. I've got enough to do without writing you a book on how great you're doing so your senior management team can wank themselves off over positive comments and earn themselves a nice bonus. I bought your shit. You sold your shit. Everyone's a winner. Let's leave it there, eh?

I keep about 50 pay and display tickets on my dashboard, so the attendant has to look at them all to find today's ticket.