Tony Moanero

Happy birthday, mate.

Well, you won’t have to put up with it for much longer.

Shit sideburns.

It feels like 2012 all over again.

Sautéed potatoes, aren’t they?

Your point is?

Someone who wants to test himself in a superior league/earn more money.

Why would he agree to that?

Nah. Good and bad people everywhere.

Isn’t it just. Tonight’s offering was first broadcast less than two years ago. The pricks have got 45 years worth of Roadshow episodes to choose from.

Fucking hell, I don’t believe it! Tonight’s Antiques Roadshow is another repeat.

It’s a load of bollocks, it really is. It’s a shame as I’ve had a soft spot for Coventry since 1987 (great FA Cup Final), but Manchester City would have run up a cricket score.

Price is about right given the poor quality components. Poor quality sausages make me sad.

And will be steaming out of your arse in no time at all.

Alternative Top 10: Baby Jane Hudson (What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?) Bennett (Vernon Wells, Commando) Giant Haystacks Harry Lime (Orson Welles, The Third Man) Hendrick (Ian Cuthbertson, Children of the Stones) Ming the Merciless (Max von Sydow, Flash Gordon) Mitch Leary (John Malkovich, In the Line of Fire) The Penguin (Burgess Meredith, Batman) White Witch (The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe) Zelda (Terrahawks)

Mitchum or De Niro?

It will be like the good old bad old days. I wanted Hodgson sacked from the moment he was announced as manager.

The Crystal Maze. I think it’s new. The baldy fella from the Rocky Horror Show presents it.

Fuck me, that was close. I thought he was going to get locked in.

Not for me. Delgado is number one, and I’d have Anthony Ainley ahead of a John Simm.

In no particular order: Professor Marcus (Alec Guinness, The Ladykillers) Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) Tom Ripley (Patricia Highsmith’s Ripley novels) Grand High Witch (Anjelica Huston) Skeletor (He-Man and the Masters of the Universe) The Master (Roger Delgado, Doctor Who) Mr. Blue (Robert Shaw, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three) The Joker (Cesar Romero, Batman) Fagin (Ron Moody, Oliver!) Ellen Berent Harland (Gene Tierney, Leave Her to Heaven)

The standout candidate (Alonso) doesn’t want the job.

I check the Size? and Offspring sites, on a daily basis, for new trainees, but haven’t bought a new pair so far this decade.

Which ones? The new Scotland home kit is awful.

Hair looks far cooler than a bald head though, and almost all clothes look better with hair.