Squabblefest

FERGUSON : SCHOLES IS NO 'GINGER' RANT. Alex Ferguson has today mounted a stern defence of Paul Scholes' alleged 'red-headedness'. Paul Scholes yesterday. In a Jim Beam fuelled 3 a.m address from the corner of Woodward Avenue in Greater Manchester, an emotional and fully self-aware Alex Ferguson has taken the world to task for believing the evidence of it's own eyes. "We've known for quite a few years that there's Ranga's in this league. Not Scholesy though. No way." Monday's completely trustworthy pronouncement has since been declared the knight of the realms most truthful statement since he declared their 1999 European Cup win, 'Fully deserved. We outplayed Bayern Munich didn't we?' When asked if there was any truth in the fact that he'd only won the league consistently when they became the richest club in Britain, outearning their nearest rivals by around thirty million pounds per year and been flukey enough to get a bunch of world class kids through their academy, the usually taciturn Scotsman replied, 'No.'

'Hi. I'm Carol Vorderman. You probably remember me from those speedy mid-afternoon wanks you had when your missus announced she was off for a shit when Countdown was on. Or maybe that time I was on 'Who Do You Think You Are?' and they traced my lineage back to a 17th century yak rapist. Whatever. As you know, I'm a big fan of lovely letters and it's been brought to my attention that you lucky LFC fans have had a lovely letter off your new owners. You must be thrilled. Have the United fans had any lovely letters off the Glazers? Have they fuck. All they got was Robin Van Persie on a five year contract, so who's the cunt here? I think we all know the answer to that little conundrum, (chortle).'

'Not at all. It's not even a real nose'

'The blacks will side with the blacks and the whites will fight with the whites. Got any ketamine?'

"Another Rafa thread.?! Wow, I can't wait to see how this one goes.!"

Reading that just makes the Cup win that much sweeter doesn't it? 'Liverpool's success hurts us more than our own failure.' Get that printed on a banner you fucking losers.

They were a bunch of fucking shitheads. Running the whole gamut of gobshitery from shushing us, booing Suarez, the fucking Carroll songs, 'You're support is fucking shit', 'shall we sing a song for you', 'this place is a shithole, we want to go home', 'we support our local team', etc etc. Like we all should have been bouncing off the walls with excitement because fucking Brighton had come to town. It was fucking beautiful to watch Suarez and Carroll get on the scoresheet after that but the best moment was when they launched into, '4-1 and you still don't sing' and immediately that defender of theirs took three vollied touches to twat the ball into the back of his own net. Fucking ace. All around me a ton of hands went up with five fingers spread out. It's a bit triumphalist and usual I wouldn't laugh but they really fucking pissed me off and apparently I wasn't the only one 'cos as we were leaving there was a few gutted looking Brighton fans stood about and some fella went, "Long drive ahead after watching that shit lads." And it fucking served them right.

Just got back in and thought we were superb in the second half. There's a few misgivings about the game, (Henderson mostly), but this really isn't the time is it? 6-1 and everyone around me saying, 'See you at Wembley', as we're leaving. It just feels fucking brilliant. I thought Downing was superb. I was in the Centenary so was up close for the second half and some of his touches were fucking sublime. He was really up for it and there was almost a touch of arrogance about some of his play and it was great to see. We also finally seem to be getting the ball into dangerous positions for Carroll as well, (he was desperately unlucky with that bullet header in the first half), and all of this bodes well for next week and, of course, the second half of the season. We're starting to get Carroll playing, Downing looks like he's settling, Gerrard is hitting form, Suarez is fucking magical and the defence looks solid. There's still problems to be addressed, (mostly in midfield obviously), but we're in fucking good shape for the run in and at this stage of the season you've got to be happy with that. See you at Wembley eh?

I'll be honest, I'm not massively sure that my memory is great, (I'm a 40 year old builder and believe me, things get forgotten), but at the same time I've got faith in this team that Dalglish is building. And he is building a team. I've not missed a home game in decades, I get to as many aways as I can and, (woeful finishing aside), I have seen a decent team this season. I know that you pride yourself on picking holes in people's arguments in this place. Indeed, at times you seem to do little else, and I presume you were exactly the same when you were gracing Koptalk with your presence, so I'm not going to bicker with you. But with a decent finisher I think we'd be at least a dozen points better off, I've watched us drop needless points against teams we've dominated, I've watched us hammer teams and come away with a single point, I think we're every bit as good as Chelsea, Arsenal and Newcastle and I also think that we'll beat any of those teams on any given day. I also understand that, (with hindsight), our money could have been better spent than on Downing, Carroll and Henderson. But then we've all got 20/20 vision with hindsight haven't we? I also understand that opinions are entirely subjective. You'll probably also have noticed that I have the good grace to treat my fellow reds with respect and seldom bother to scream gracelessly about how my entirely subjective opinion is somehow more relevant than their equally subjective opinion. But don't let that stop you.

It's genuine. I know we're all supposed to be hiding in our shells under the barrage of the gutter press but I fucking love the fact that Suarez told Evra to go fuck himself by not shaking his hand. I think that Enrique is as good as anyone else in this league in his position and has settled briliantly. I think that Skrtel has improved this season every bit as much as Lucas had before his injury. I think that with Dalglish in charge of Reina, Agger, Suarez, Gerrard and Bellamy, it gives us as good a chance as Arsenal, Chelsea or Newcastle of finishing forth and I think that if Carroll and Downing would've been worth even a tiny fraction of their transfer fees then we'd be out of sight already. I pay my fucking £40 for every home game and feel entitled to vent on this place when things are going shit but this isn't one of those times. My hard-earned is going on a tactically astute, fluid, (mostly) adventurous, attacking Liverpool team. Sure, it could be better but the fucking shambles Dalglish took on means I'm happy challenging for forth and booking my tickets for a coach for Wembley in a couple of weeks. I'll be having a pint in the Prince Harry before the game and I'll be as hopeful of a decent season as I've been in a long time. There's fucking no way that I'm the only one is there..?

I can't fucking wait. £23 for a ticket for a cup tie against one of the most attractive footballing sides in The Championship. Bellamy, Gerrard and Suarez are likely to play. Our defence is playing as well as I've seen us in a good while, (last week aside), and Dalglish is a safe pair of hands for making sure that we treat these with the respect they deserve. I think it'll be a cracker.

Our next move is to just fucking move on. This is no disaster. It's not a fucking tragedy and it'll be forgotten about this time next month. Apart from the drama queens and the media, no-one gives a fucking shit. No-one. Kenny's not going to quit. Suarez is not going to leave. This is going to have no fucking impact on the club in the long or medium term. When we look back on this season it'll barely merit a footnote. It's a fucking handshake and some shit-stirring by United and the press. Let's be honest here; No-one fucking cares. Suarez'll get booed by the away fans for a few weeks and absolutely no-one will give a shit because he'll get cheered on by us lot for a lot longer. In two weeks he'll be back to being the single best player on the pitch, (regardless of the opposition), and two man of the match performances in a row and no-one will even mention any of this shit apart from a few bitters and half a dozen armchair United fans so you'll have to excuse me for not giving a fucking shit, alright? And don't forget that his usual ratio is two M.O.M awards for every three games he plays, so it's not really anything to worry about is it? Dalglish could have handled it better but he stuck up for his man in the press and then apologised when it all got fucking tiresome and who could blame him? He stuck by Suarez and threw a few crumbs to the fucking press as a sop and that's all that matters and that's all that'll be remembered. Everything else is meaningless. Anfield is still going to be full for the next game. Suarez is still going to be the single name on the teamsheet that the opposition are fucking terrified of, (although Gerrard is coming in to form and has been playing some outstanding stuff lately.), The Kevin Williams petition has got the 100 000 signatures it needed to go forward in the House Of Commons and Agger, Skrtel, Enrique, Bellamy, Reina and Lucas are still amongst the best players in their respective positions in this entire league so the first season of the Dalglish era walks on with a decent shout for forth place, a good FA cup run and a trip to Wembley in a couple of weeks. Where is this fucking crisis exactly? Because I really don't see it at all. United fans must be laughing up their fucking sleeves the way some of us are carrying on lately and it needs to fucking stop here. Are we really going to fall apart off the back of some bad press and signing a fucking brilliant Uruguayan who is virtually guaranteed to spend a third of every season banned for acting the cunt and not giving a shit? Fucking behave yourselves. And you know what? I will happily fucking live with him getting banned every fucking season, (and he will be, obviously), because for the two thirds of the season that we've got him on the pitch, he'll be the single best player out there, and I don't give a shit what's written in the press, So let's fucking man up eh? We've got Brighton on Sunday and it's odds on that he'll tear them a new one and we can start ramming this ephemeral horseshit down the press's throats. Fuck the media, fuck Sky Sports and fuck United's shit-stirring. We've seen it a thousand times before and we'll see it a thousand fucking times again, so let's just crack on with supporting the team and not bother wasting our time on this pointless bullshit that each and every one of us knows doesn't fucking matter. Because you know what? It doesn't fucking matter.

When did we start giving a fuck what anyone else's fans think? Did I miss a meeting or something? I'll tell you what. Let's fucking sell Suarez and then maybe the Q.P.R fans will like us a bit more. Is this the sort of thing we need to start doing? Really? I'm not bored of defending him and I'll never get bored of defending him, (until he goes somewhere else, obviously), and I'm praying he stays with us for fucking years. He's a vicious, snarling, cheating, Parker-hoofing twat who quite patently doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks of him and I fucking love him for it. Fuck Man United, fuck Evra and fuck every single away fan who comes to Anfield with their paltry fucking collection of medals that their mediocre fucking team has collected over the years. I hope he ends up being the most hated player this league's ever seen.

Yeah, but the rest of the series was fucking shit though. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that specific episode represented a nadir in the history of the show from which it never recovered and could also serve as a particularly good example of a specific point where a series goes into terminal decline. Do you see where I'm going with this Zig?

I watched an episode of Happy Days once where The Fonz actually jumped a shark. It was fucking ace.