Jarvinja Ilnow

Lallana's moves are like being caressed by a natural yogurt.

So what you're saying is our owners also own a rounders team?

On the rare occasions you make sense, i acknowledge it. That's me, magnanimous.

Javier Gnasherano

and if he scores, he's done his job. In it to win it etc.

Can I just say fuck off Ratcatcher.

'ISIS buys Everton.' 'ISIS concerns over Evertonians' extremism.'

Shit report. Admittedly I've had a few and might not have read it fully, but I don't pay a membership to have no mention of jabronis in your match report. Sort yerself out, Usher.

You'll love him then: Trent Alexander-Arnold http://www.liverpoolfc.com/team/academy/player/trent-alexander-arnold

Jimmy Bullard's brother by another mother.

That's brilliant - always in our shadow.

Right Simon, this is a new slot at LFCTV: it's called 'Lob over Simon,' and first up is Alan Sex. Sorry, his text message might have been misunderstood.

Blackburn v West Ham on BT Sport in the next round, according to Ian Darke. Probably true but what a twat.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/35529337 Everton closer to takeover after talks with American consortium Everton are moving closer to a £200m takeover after talks with an American consortium. The group, led by former San Diego Padres owner John Jay Moores and fellow entrepreneur Charles Noell, have been in talks with Toffees owner Bill Kenwright in recent months. Moores and Noell were previously interested in investing in Swansea. The pair have spent a six-week due diligence period looking at Everton's accounts. In addition to speaking to chairman Kenwright, they have had talks with the club's other major shareholders, Robert Earl and Jon Woods. The Toffees have declined to comment on the latest interest - but in 2015 there were several parties considering a deal to buy the Premier League club. In October, City of London sources revealed to BBC Sport that American investors, some with links to Major League Soccer side Sporting Kansas City, were exploring the purchase of Everton.Kenwright has conducted a search for investment stretching back more than a decade but the latest moves are felt by those close to the club as representing the most positive and hopeful development since the theatre impresario indicated his willingness to sell. Kenwright, who bought the club from Peter Johnson for £20m on 26 December 1999, said as far back as November 2007: "If the right person stands in front of me and wants to take this club forward then I will sell." Former Everton midfielder Peter Reid told BBC Radio 5 Live: "It's my club and Goodison Park - as much as I love it - I think Everton need a new football ground. "We've got a great squad of players and a good manager but we need to get anew stadium to keep pace with the other clubs in this Premier League. You need the revenue that generates. If Bill Kenwright says it's OK - yes let's get it done." It is understood that after years of inactivity regarding a sale, there has been a growing intensity and intent to do a deal in recent months, fuelled by growing, serious interest from a number of groups. If the deal is completed it would mean both Merseyside Premier League clubs would be under American stewardship. Moores, who bought baseball team San Diego Padres from Liverpool chairman Tom Werner for $80m (£53.7m) in 1994, is believed to be worth about £500m. Moores and Noell have a background in technology. Moores founded BMC software and also JMI Equity, a venture capitalism arm of his empire, which Noell helped to co-found. By Phil McNulty Chief football writer

http://www.liverpoolfc.com/team/first-team/staff/john-achterberg John Achterberg joined Liverpool's backroom staff in June 2009

180 page property dossier, including warranties, emergency plumbers and Zoopla rental estimates.

You arrogant little bastard. You just write this bollocks on the wall of your cell in your own shite and a nurse types it onto your Tesco Hudl, the one with no sharp edges.

Mignolallamorenteke I hate. Henmilovresturtel I am mostly disappointed in.

So, basically what you're saying is you were asleep when it happened on your watch?

Dubious source (that one with the weird wedge-head) but clutching at straws etc http://metro.co.uk/2016/02/03/rumour-joel-matip-signs-pre-contract-deal-to-join-liverpool-5660935/? Rumour: Joel Matip signs pre-contract deal to join Liverpool Liverpool have sealed their first summer signing with Joel Matip reportedly agreeing terms to join from Schalke, according to reports. Matip was a target for the Reds during the January transfer window but despite the club apparently making an offer, he stayed put. However, he’s a free agent in the summer and after deciding against penning a new deal, he’s now signed for Liverpool on a Bosman. According to Corriere dello Sport, the deal is all done and dusted and the player has turned down interest from other clubs to move to Anfield.

Not playing him for the rest of the season might protect some of the little transfer value he might have left. Hopefully by next season West Ham will have forgotten how shite he is and give us 10m for him.

Yes, because Newham is one of London's affluent and classier boroughs. Fucktards.

That's the one.