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I said last week how great it is when you play first and win, and then get to sit back and watch how the other games unfold. This week it was different as we were the second to last game of the weekend and virtually everyone else had already played, but spare a thought for poor Everton. They played at 3pm on Saturday, had the most humiliating of losses at home to Watford in the Z Cars derby and then had to endure us spanking United at Old Trafford 24 hours later. What a prolonged weekend of misery for them. Still, they did get to be first on MOTD so they should take some comfort in that as they’re always complaining about being overlooked. How funny is that though. When they win a game they’re usually on last and they’re annoyed that not everyone will get to see it as they’ll have tuned out after their own team has been on. The Blues crave recognition from others you see. The one time they get to lead off the show in front of a national audience is when they concede four goals in the last 15 minutes to shit the bed at home to a team that lost 5-0 to us a week before. Tremendous. There’s more though. Josh King played for Everton and failed to score a single goal (because he never even started a game). He leaves, comes back with his new club and bangs in a Goodison hat-trick. I feel like that’s close to being peak Everton, but the season is still young and they might just be getting started. They had no idea this was coming either. Tom Davies gave them a dream start when he put them ahead after just a couple of minutes. This was the little gnome’s first start of the season as he put down his fishing rod, dragged himself off his toadstool and took himself down to Goodison. King equalised from close range and didn’t celebrate, even though he was only with Everton for six months and they didn’t even give him a start in his time there. Then the Blues started cheering as it went to VAR for an offside check. The goal stood though. Last season that would have been disallowed I reckon as it was really tight. Rafa subbed Anthony Gordon who was playing well. The crowd didn’t like that and the boo birds were out in force, but Richarlison (the man who came on) scored to put them in front. Of course HE celebrated massively against his old club because he’s a genuinely despicable little cunt. Then Rafa subbed Demarai Gray for Alex Iwobi. That’s like the Rock laying the smack down and tagging in the Brooklyn Brawler to finish the job. I said last week Iwobi might be the worst player in the league, but he’s probably more receptive to Rafa’s chess game instructions and with a one goal lead to protect, Benitez is always going to stick rather than twist. He made the defensive minded change and they lost 5-2. Kucka headed the equaliser from a corner and then Everton just folded like a cheap suit. King made it 3-2 with a really composed finish. This time, probably after seeing the carry on from Richarlison, he celebrated. Off came the shirt and he ran to the Watford fans in that corner. There were still 10 minutes left for Everton to find an equaliser. Instead they conceded two more as King bagged his third and then Dennis really rubbed salt in the wounds by making it 5-2. Everton’s defending in those closing stages was every bit as woeful as Maguire and Shaw did the day after. Gloriously shit. The boos at full time from those that stayed were worthy of anything we’ve heard from them before. There’s nothing quite like a chorus of Goodison boos. There’s no sweeter sound. At one end of the noise scale you have the hideous, nasal drone from a United away end, and then at the other is the Goodison boo chorus. This is exactly the kind of thing I expected when Rafa took that job and it’s why I was all in on the idea. It was only ever going to end in tears for them and provide wonderful entertainment for us. He’s doing his best to win them over with his blue car and blue suits, and his little Everton pin badge on his lapel. Pure cringe and utterly pointless as it won’t work. The really mad thing about Rafa’s time there so far is he hasn’t even done the one thing you take for granted with him. Defensively they’re fucking woeful. Evertonians might put that down to players not being good enough, but a coach like Rafa, sorry Rafael, should be able to work with the likes of Keane, Godfrey, Coleman and Digne. It’s not like they’re all fucking hopeless. You have to wonder, if Rafa can no longer make a team defensively secure then what’s the point of him, as he was never any good at the other side of the game. Rafa probably wants the sack now though. Big payoff and a return to Newcastle where he can spend all that Saudi cash. He’ll need to be careful though if he starts his usual political games with the board. “I asked for a sofa and they bought me a lamp. And then they chopped my hands off”. As for Watford, I always joke about how they keep throwing players out there I’ve never seen before but it’s true. There were at least two of their starters in this game I’d never heard of. In fairness, they may have played last week against us and I just wasn’t paying attention, but who the fuck are Tufan and Kucka? Anyone know? Elsewhere, Chelsea absolutely obliterated Norwich to stay above us. That result didn’t bother me one bit because it was a guaranteed three points for them and I never allowed myself to even contemplate the possibility they might not win. It’s the hope that kills you and there was absolutely zero hope for Norwich in this game. I didn’t even bat an eyelid at the score. I’m not saying I expected seven, but it didn’t shock me as Norwich are terrible. At least last time they were in the league they had some fight. Right now they’re a shambles. I tell you what part of the problem is there. The manager looking at the fixture list and budgeting for points in some games and accepting they’d get nothing in others. He said the other week they were almost at the target he had set and they’d actually lost virtually every game. It’s like he was saying it’s ok for them to lose, but the problem with that is when you don’t win one you’ve got down as a banker, you’re fucked. They got twatted by Watford whereas Farke had that down as a win. If they’d done something in one of the earlier games the Watford result wouldn’t have been so bad. Don’t forget, last time around they beat Man City in one of their early games so it can be done, but not when you’re just writing off games and giving players an excuse to be shit. Norwich didn’t even try in this game. They were beaten before they started, conceded early and after that never bothered tracking back or putting in any effort. They were a disgrace and I heard loads of their fans on the radio going mad. Not because they lost, but because they didn’t try. They expect to lose, it’s not like Norwich fans are deluded fucking Geordies. They know their reality and have tailored their expectations accordingly, but the least they want is effort and they aren’t getting any. Even Callum Downing-Odoi scored and that never happens. Both wing backs got on the scoresheet too, in Chilwell’s case for the fourth game in a row. It would have been even more than seven but for Tim Krul who made some good saves during a second half onslaught. He even saved a penalty from Mount, but he moved a fraction early and it was retaken. This time Mount scored and then completed his hat-trick late on. City won at Brighton. I don’t usually watch them but I gave this one a little look until City quickly raced into a 2-0 lead and I switched off. Apparently Brighton fought back well and held their own after that before eventually losing . They’re not usually as gunging ho as this and most of City’s best moments came on the counter attack as Brighton kept leaving the back door open. Maybe they got a little carried away by their league position and thought they could go toe to toe with City? Let’s hope they take the same approach this weekend, but I bet they don’t. They’ll play it cagey and make it difficult for us this weekend. Hopefully I’m wrong and they have a right go at us, because if they do they’ll get spanked. Guardiola is the most condescending, patronising cunt in football. I absolutely hate him. After the game he said that at 3-0 he told his players “Against any other team this would be over. Against this team, it’s not over”. Yeah because Brighton have such a rich history of coming back from 3-0 down against top sides don’t they. He’s such a fucking bellend. This is like the time he went on the pitch and told Nathan Redmond he was one of the best players he’d ever seen or something. Speaking of Redmond, he missed an absolute sitter from two yards as Southampton were held at home by Burnley. Livramento caught the eye once again as did Theo Walcott, albeit for the opposite reason. Livramento is brilliant, he’s headed to the very top that kid. Walcott though, he’s so crap now it actually offends me. He should still be at Arsenal because he’s got their stink all over him still. Look at the fucking state of him, with his perfectly groomed facial fair and stupid top knot. He should just fuck football off and become a model for Matalan. Maxwell Cornet stands out like a sore thumb in that Burnley team. He can actually play football. He looks really good and I am baffled as to how he ended up at Burnley. Firstly, why would he go there. Secondly, why would Burnley sign him? Pace and skill are thoroughly frowned upon at Turf Moor but he’s blessed with both in abundance. He put Burnley ahead before Livramento equalised. The lad on loan from Chelsea, Broja, scored again to put the Saints in front before another quality finish by Cornet got the Clarets a point. Tarkowski said of Cornet “He’s a little bit different, he brings something that we’ve never had before”. Not sure if he means an R&B playlist or football ability. Probably both. Palace fans displayed a fucking sensational banner slamming the Premier League for allowing the Saudi takeover of Newcastle. Massive round of applause for them. Of course some wankers reported it to the police and claimed it was racist and offensive. Newcastle thought they were about to take the lead early on but young Palace defender Marc Guehi cleared off the line. Fortunately he was on home soil as if he’d pulled that shit on Newcastle territory it could have been a problem. “A Guehi stopped us scoring your highness”. “Have him stoned to death”. His name is pronounced “Gay” you see. Geddit? Yeah not my finest, but my head is all over the place with this Newcastle thing, I’m so angry I can’t even think straight, let alone live up to my usually sky high standard of gags. Benteke headed against the post when he should have scored, but he made amends when he climbed highest to thump one past Darlow to put Palace in front. He then headed against the bar as Palace swarmed all over the Geordies. Then out of nowhere Calum Wilson’s brilliant overhead levelled the scores. Benteke went clean through on the keeper and didn’t even hit the target. Can you remember a worse one v one finisher than him? He shits himself every fucking time. They need to send him to a hypnotist. “You are feeling very sleepy…. Listen to my voice…. You are about to go to sleep”. Actually Palace could save themselves a few quid by letting Vieira do it. It looked like Benteke had won it with a monster fucking header from a corner but VAR ruled it out after spotting that Guehi was pulling the shirt of Benteke’s marker. Correct decision but still frustrating as fuck as I want Newcastle to lose every game now. Except when they play City or Chelsea. I hope everyone else fucks them though, including Everton and United. Vieira said afterwards “We created enough chances to win the game but…” zzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, dozed off there. Hope no-one hypnotised me while I was out. The Geordie who is acting as caretaker manager after Bruce was sacked seems like a knob. I don’t like him as he came across as a try hard prick. Even if he wasn’t I’d hate him anyway because I hate everything connected with them right now. Leeds needed a last gasp penalty to salvage a point at home to rapidly improving Wolves. Hwang put the visitors ahead but young sub Gelhardt won a penalty that Rodrigo converted. That Gelhardt kid is the young Scouse lad they signed from Wigan. He looked really good but he can fuck off. Earlier in the season he scored against our u23s and went on instagram giving it the big un because we released him when he was a kid. Do it against our first team and then you can gloat, until then pipe down. Arsenal looked quite good on Friday night against Villa. They do this though. They have these little runs of decent form and then out of nowhere they’ve shit down their own legs and get thumped by Watford or Southampton and their fans will go into meltdown again. Partey headed in from a corner to give them a deserved lead and with the last kick of the first half Aubamayeng made it 2-0 when he scored the rebound after Martinez had saved his penalty. I didn’t think that was a pen but it’s one that can go either way really. An own goal from Mings made it 3-0 before Ramsey thumped in a late consolation from 20 yards. Here’s a question for you; which England centre back is the shittest - Mings or Maguire? It’s probably Maguire, but Mings has been fucking hideous all season. Mistakes every week. Dean Smith said afterwards “we just got dominated physically”. Is there anything more damning you can say about a football team than that they were physically dominated by Arsenal? Other than “outplayed by Burnley” I don’t think there is. Onto Sunday now, where Leicester had a hard fought win at Brentford in a game that could have gone either way. My boy Toney had an early goal ruled out for a marginal offside and Mbuemo shot just wide when he should have scored. They’re a boss little pairing those two, they cause everyone problems. Tielemans put Leicester had with their first effort on goal. What an effort it was though. Fucking thunderous strike that. Jorgenson got his head onto a near post corner to flick in the equaliser but as Brentford pushed for another goal they got done on the break and Daka squared for Maddison to tap in. Maddison’s face irritates the fuck out of me. He looks like a cunt and by all accounts he is one. He’s the living embodiment of everything bad people think about the modern footballer. He said afterwards “I like being the villain. That’s my motivation”. Tit. The Brentford manager is great, I love listening to him as he’s a bit mental. Finally, a London derby as Spurs travelled to West Ham and lost to a second half Antonio goal. It was an even game that probably should have been a draw, but West Ham have a lot about them these days and are no longer a soft touch. Fornals twice went close to putting the Hammers in front in the first half. I always through he was a bit crap to be honest. Ok, not crap, but average. He’s actually in the Spanish squad though. I don’t know what to make of this. There are all kinds of Premier League players that I don’t think are much good, but they’re being picked by some of the powerhouses in world football. Fornals with Spain, Richarlison, Fred, Lucas Moura etc for Brazil, while Argentina are always picking all sorts of Average Joes like Romero, Buendia, Lo Celso, Lamela etc Maybe these players are actually much better than I think, but the standard if the league is just so high now? I honestly don’t know, I just find it unsettling when these average players are being picked by the biggest nations in world football. I always think, “surely you’ve got better players than that bum?” but maybe they don’t. I don’t think I’ll ever come to terms with it though. Brazil should NEVER be relying on players from Everton.