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Classic Drowning Man

My mate in work is mulling over banging some girl he manages. She's quite fit but is an absolute mentalist and will literally have 4 or 5 different moods a day. His brother works in the same office and he shagged her on and off behind his wife's back for a year, while she was engaged to another lad. She invited him to her house a few weeks back but he politely declined as he found out that at least another 4 lads he knows have shagged her. She was even seeing two of them at the same time but they weren't aware of it. My mate has called her "Shipman" as he says the more he finds out about her, the more victims come to light.

Pretty funny even for Darren Farley and it’s at Cundy’s expense

Big Breakfast at Das Bistro, Bali. Ukranian, Noggie, Belrussian nor British brekkies can hold a candle to this beast. Some of the efforts on this thread make me weep with joy that the UK has fucked off from the EU! 2 bratwurst, 6 rashers of Bacon (sent back to crisp up a bit), a haufen Bratkartoffeln, twelvty pan roasted cherry tomatoes and a mound of well cooked fresh mushrooms (none of those canned ones favoured by nonces) and two perfectly fried eggs with runny yolks. As much toasted bread as you can shake a stick at (ignoring the brown bread is for sex offenders jibe, give ya head a wobble) The price...£2.50 with a cappuccino. Ze Germans do it better.

Went round to my mate Ed’s to watch the unmentionable. He was good enough to provide breakfast, not a bad effort.

That's what your membership money pays for, people!

All I want is an exact replica of a prime Brazilian Ronaldo.

Me and the Mrs just had a little barbecue and it reminded me of something that happened years ago. My mate invited us all around to his for one, just the lads at this stage but his bird at the time (they're now married) found out he was having one and insisted she should come. He sends a message to everyone saying she's going to do her special sauces for the chicken or some shit, so.....can we all bring a fiver. She made him charge an entry fee to his mates for a barbecue at his house. I developed a last minute case of a cold and said I couldn't make it, purely out of principle. I'd been fully intending to take a crate of beer or something which would have cost at least 20 quid. It's what you do isn't it? An unwritten agreement, but you don't fucking ask your mates for money..

He walks around with a bin on his head saying he's from outer space, what do you think?

Ingerlund - Sad fucking country and sadder fucking team and even sadder set od supporters, media and pundits.If Everton were a country it would be England and vice versa.

It ain’t a heavy, he’s his brother.

Fuck it, it’s a great picture as far as I’m concerned. my girls’ team played against (and beat comfortably) a team a few weeks ago that had a captain, complete with armband, and they asked their coaches if they could have a captain. training this evening in the rain, at the end she comes bouncing over, armband in hand. She’s only been picked to be their first ever captain in the match tomorrow. fuck yes.

I have a random theory on Mbappe. All the rumours of Klopp being friends with his Dad, FSG taking his family on plane rides round France etc mean we’ve actually convinced him to come to us, hence why there’s been stories recently that Real Madrid have dropped out. Nothing to be announced while the Euros are ongoing, let’s him focus on that but he’s told PSG he’s not renewing and we’ve already struck the deal with PSG. After the Euros, there will be no long drawn out drama, like say Thiago. It’ll just be boom and done. Mbappe will wear Number 23, the same as Lebron James, Michael Jordan & Beckham (Beckham wore 23 as a marketing ploy). Only issue is James has just moved from #23 to #6 at LA but anyway… Nike will use us, Lebron James & Mbappe in every advertisement they could possibly imagine. The extra advertising and endorsements will make up his lower wages. The £120m Redball investment will be the transfer fee and this has been the plan all along, hence the big push for Nike last season. Fully aware I’ll be completely ridiculed for this but fuck it, I’m a dreamer!

Here’s the thing, despite being told he didn’t need to bring anything, my deviant mate Nick deliberately took a tin of beans. Nothing else. (I provided the bread and beer on request). So both Ed and Nick had beans, I, being a right thinking person, did not. I figure in Edward’s case his original thought was in the right place, but he allowed himself to be unduly influenced. Nicholas is obviously the worst of lost causes.

My tight arsed sister used to charge my brother a fiver for a Sunday dinner when they lived close to each other .

Was pleased to hear Dixon telling our referees they need to sharpen up as they are being shown up.

She certainly puts the "norks" in "snorkel". In fact an anagram of snorkel is "el norks". Is she Spanish? Who cares! Tits!

It only stopped working when I got pressured into the optimistic shit last season. We’d have Number 20 if only I hadn’t caved to popular demand.

Ronaldo cleared the danger with a brilliant header from the corner, then outran everyone to get on the end of that. Absolute beast of a player.

I went to the Hungarian Grand Prix in Budapest in 1989, on a road trip with my cousins from relatively nearby Osijek in Croatia. We got there the night before and Budapest was rocking. Naively, we rocked up to the Budapest Hyatt (I think it was) for a drink and maybe food, all of us in jeans and t-shirts. Anyway, once I had a quick look at the price, I suggested we stay there for a full, silver service dinner. The 8 or 10 of us sat at a big round table, a bloke with a trolley and in a dinner suit came round the table offering and continuously refilling glasses of Johnny Waller Black Label. I can't remember how many courses and drinks we had, many many I know that much, but I do recall beautiful char-grilled chateaubriand steak being generously sliced as the main. A 3 or 4 hour top shelf food and drink session cost us $US20 each. Just 20 fucking dollars. The two blokes who could drive, barely, drove us out to the Hungaroring, where we planned to just sleep in the hinterland grass or in the cars. On a dirt road by the circuit, nearing our "campsite", we happened upon a couple mid-Friar Tuck... the both of them froze in the headlights of our car, the guy obviously on the cusp of the vinegar stroke. Next day, we paid a fiver at the gate to get in, watched Mansell reel in Senna and Prost from 12th on the grid to win, and smoked as many free Malboro Reds as the stupendously gorgeous local Malboro girls could shove down our throats. My handsome cousin tried his best, for the better part of an hour in the car, to sweet talk one of the Marlboro lasses into letting him put something down her Gregory Peck. To no avail. So he politely escorted her back to the circuit. And chivalry wasn't dead.

We went to Budapest for our game v Debrecen. We’d mentioned a few times between ourselves they sided with the Nazis in WW2 but nothing more. We were in a bar one afternoon and taking to a few locals. One of them was loving a few beers and clearly up for a session. He had his bird with him who looked like a chubby Abi Titmus. Anyway, fast forward an hour or so and we’re talking about nothing, definitely not the Nazi’s and this blokes just shouted “I FEEL I MUST APOLOGISE FOR OUR BEHAVIOUR IN THE WAR”. Alright pal. Also the trip where I was that drunk at the match I had to ask my mate what colour we were playing in, about 10 mins David N’gog had given us the lead and we went to a spa and I got a boner that wouldn’t quit, must have been the site of all those old men in Speedo’s sagging everywhere.

Outstanding. Was joking with @Tj hooker about them the other day, first they need to get rid of the fish then the place is getting swept for WW2 bombs now the fucking place might be underwater anyway.... Only them. Even my birds just pissed herself at that Oh is she wearing a snorkel?

Finally got round to watching Clone Wars and I’m enjoying it but some of the Jar Jar Binks episodes are terrible. Hoping he falls off a cliff soon.

Seconded on the “Ed is a cunt” thingy

As from Monday anybody under the age of 40 can some forward and apply for the Everton managers job

I hate Ed. This is almost worse than the usual shambles posted on here. At least with those, it’s all shit. No saving graces. The breakfast made by Ed (who I hate) could have been a contender. Sausages look good, the toast a decent effort. Two black puddings probably indicate an unspoken desire to have you sexually which is sweet, although steer clear of Ed, he’s a cunt. Serving eggs like that though. A heinous crime. No way I’d be able to eat them as I’d suspect Ed had stuck his penis in them before handing the plate to you. Typical of Ed that. Hope you told him to fuck off with the water and bring you a second ale instead. Fuck Ed.

"Under the banks of the Royal blue Mersey"

Good Evening, Mr Grealish!

5 of the gammon choir houses in our street had England flags hanging from every window yesterday. Put the recycling out this morning and there’s only one single flag left. Put a massive smile on my face and I know today is gonna be a good day.

England have had the players many times. Shit Managers and even top Managers seem to lose the plot when they manage them.

Big Cunha Burger.

It's almost as if Southgate wants to get sacked on purpose. Sancho and Bellingham, two players who have played in Germany and in the Champions League left on the bench while the rest of them go through slow motion aimless sideways passing. Once they get knocked out they'll be back to battering San Marino, Albania, Kosovo and Bulgaria and qualify top of a piss easy group and everyone will get over excited again. England are so fucking boring and predictable. The fucking fans are the biggest twats in the universe.

Ten years since we lost the big man.

Aye , Champ will be in kicking off soon.

Thought Scotland were the better side and deserved to win. England were abysmal, Kane is clearly not fit but the fact of the matter is that Southgate is a fucking atrocious manager. We have some very good players but we are run by a championship manager, things won’t improve until he’s fired into the sun.

Okay. You have to say it in gruff trailer voice man of the 80s. It was a time of fear. It was a time of WAR. One man could stop it all... or could he? That's it.

I took a client for breakfast yesterday, it was near his office which is why it was chosen, but completely awful. One of the worst breakfasts I've ever had. I don't know the name of the place, but it was in Paul Street in Shoreditch. £7, so not too expensive for the area. But........ Eggs were overcooked Sausages just has a very weird taste and we're reheated and not warm enough. They somehow made toast shit. The bacon was kind of ok, as were the beans. The hash browns he microwaved then stuck on some sort of George foremen grill type of thing. No black pudding on offer. Mushrooms available for weird people. The tea was about half a cup of milk 1/10

Edwin Poots has replaced Gennaro Gattuso as the favourite for the Spurs job after resigning as leader of the DUP after 21 days in charge. Gattuso had been manager of Fiorentina for 23 days.

And no baps/chebs on show. Hands up there to be fair.

Now that comment is Everton.

Of all the things I have read about Johnson the fact that he was the president of the Oxford Debating Society surprises me the most , he cannot string two words together.