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After what happened at Goodison I just wanted to forget all about football for a while and so I completely switched off until we played Ajax. I had no interest in anything else that was happening and as a result of that I’m now watching Match of the Day with genuinely no clue on how half the games finished. It’s quite refreshing actually. Now I might become one of those fucking weirdos the newsreaders refer to when they say “If you don’t want to know today’s scores then look away now”. Every time that happens I say “if you’re a footy fan how would you not know the fucking scores?” and yet here I am, not having a clue because David Coote, Michael Oliver, Jordan Pickford and that Richarlison cunt completely ruined the weekend and made me want to avoid footy like the plague. I knew City and United both won, but that’s it. Oh wait, I also knew what happened at Spurs too as I saw that tweet from a Spurs fan that everyone (including Declan Rice!) took the piss out of. I’ll get to that in a bit though. I had no idea how any of the other games finished because as soon as the derby finished that was me zoned out completely. I don’t want to even watch them now to be honest as I’m still seething about Saturday and I know there’ll be things in every game that will remind me about it in some way. But I’m a pro and you’re expecting your weekly round up, so I’m gritting my teeth and plowing through it. MOTD actually started with the derby so I had to forward that as there’s no way I want to see any of that shit again. I don’t even want to know what the pundits said about it as chances are it’ll just piss me off even more, especially if they’re talking bollocks. Even if they nailed it though, it’s not going to improve my mood. We know what happened and we know the cunts involved all got away scot free. Except Richarlison I suppose, although his punishment won’t fit the crime and we’ve already had Thiago ruled out for one game and possibly more to follow. Anyway, I’ll start at St James’ Park where Newcastle really ought to be embarrassed after losing 4-1 to that Man United team. No Martial or Greenwood and they still scored four. It says far more about Newcastle that though, because that United team was genuinely turd. Fred and McTominay in midfield. Mata and James playing on the flanks. It had the mediocre stench of a lot of the teams we fielded during that 30 year title drought. Like a final throws of Houllier / Rafa / Rodgers era line up *insert puking emoji* Newcastle have been shite so far though. They made some decent signings but seem to have somehow gotten worse. Now and again you see them and think ‘they’ve got something going on here’ and then they shit the bed like this. They probably miss their home crowd as much as anyone really. Obviously we miss a packed Anfield but we’ve generally coped with it due to the quality in the side. The likes of Newcastle and Palace get great home support and let’s face it, they need it. They actually took the lead early on when fat Luke Shaw deflected a cross into his own net, but that was as good as it got for the Toon. Portuguese Gylfi thought he’d equalised but Mata was offside. Maguire then did equalise but it needed a great save by De Gea to prevent Wilson restoring the Geordies lead before the inevitable penalty arrived. Honestly, they get one every fucking game. It’s incredible. It probably was a pen, albeit a very soft one. Rashford was going nowhere and had lost the ball as he was kicked. It’s like most of the ones they get. It’s not so much that they clearly aren’t penalties (unless it’s Jon Moss producing them out of thin air), it’s just that nobody else seems to consistently get them kind of decisions. We all get them now and again but they get them every fucking week. We have at least the same number of these incidents in the box as they do but we rarely get pens for them. With United it’s like every appeal they have results in that horrible little cunt Fernandes doing his shitty little hop, skip and jump pen and adding to his completely misleading goal tally that suggests he’s far better than he is. All the hype he’s getting? Sigurdsson would have that too if Everton got the same amount of pens as United. And if Sigurdsson hadn’t been dropped for being shit. Only this time Fernandes missed. You can credit me with the assist there for reverse jinxing him the other week. Not that it mattered because the Mancs hit three late goals to put a completely undeserved gloss on the result as Newcastle fell apart. They even allowed Wan-Bissaka to score. Fucking hell. They won in Paris again too in midweek. I didn’t watch that (I mean why would I?) but I can’t say I was surprised because PSG look seriously average this year and haven’t started the season well at all. Of course United got another pen, that almost goes without saying. They’re like the reverse Burnley. What must poor Sean Dyche think every time those cunts are given a pen. Burnley have had one pen in the last ten years (I may be slightly overstating that, but not much) but these fuckers are getting one (sometimes two when Jon Moss is around) every three days. Meanwhile, Theo Walcott is back at Southampton. How did I miss that? Completely passed me by, much like the last eight years of his career passed him by. You know, I can’t even look at him. He makes me sick with his perfectly manicured hairline and designer stubble. Maybe if he spent more time on the training pitch practising his shooting and crossing instead of sitting around in front of a mirror he would have made something of his career, the fucking loser. Kinell, just reading that back and it’s exactly the kind of thing my mum would say. In fact, thinking about it I’m pretty sure she has done and that’s probably where I’m getting it from. Hold on, I’ll call her now and ask what she thinks of Walcott….. So pretty much word for word what I just said. “Can’t stand him. He looks like he should be modelling for moisturiser ads on telly instead of playing football”. Walcott shouldn’t bother me this much but he does. I also think the resentment I have towards him has been cranked up massively because of how pissed off I still am after the derby. Anything that reminds me of Everton is going to be viewed in a much harsher light than normal, but in fairness I have had this beef with Walcott for ages, the under-achieving bum. Anyway, to be fair he actually looked quite lively in what was a hell of a game at Stamford Bridge. Ol’ No Finesse Timo broke the deadlock with the kind of goal that’s his trademark. Running fast, cutting in from the left, feigning to shoot about three times before eventually finding the net via a deflection. No finesse, just head down, run fast, cut inside and shoot. And Southampton let him because their defenders are fucking clowns. I say this all the time though. Everton will have a field day against them this weekend. Grrrr, fucking Everton. Pricks. Werner’s second was decent to be fair. There was at least a little finesse about that one as he controlled it deftly with his arm, lobbed the ball over the keeper before finishing. No idea why VAR didn’t rule that out as the ball hit him just above his elbow. I suppose it depends who the VAR ref is and which team he has money on. The Southampton defending again though. Fuck me. That goal was awful. Bednarek just got done with a straight forward punt over the top by Jorginho for Werner to chase. Just really basic stuff that they can’t do. Chelsea aren’t any great shakes at the back either though and Ingsy pulled one back just before half time after Havertz had lost the ball cheaply. More keystone cops defending by Zouma (and some woeful hesitation by Kepa) allowed Adams to make it 2-2. Chelsea were back in front immediately though after a lovely move. Pulisic found Werner who crossed for Havertz to tap in. With Pulisic back now they’ll be a handful up front and scoring goals won’t be a problem. Keeping them out will be though as Lampard doesn’t have a fucking clue. Southampton had plenty of chances as Walcott and Ings gave Chelsea all manner of problems, and then deep in stoppage time they got the equaliser they deserved when Vestergaard deflected in Walcott’s shot. If Southampton weren’t so horrific in defence they’d be pretty damn good. Mind you, I can say the same about Chelsea. In the second biggest game of the weekend Arsenal ran City close at the Etihad but lost to a solitary goal by Sterling. How shit is his hair by the way? Glad he’s not playing for us anymore as I’d be calling for him to be sold if he turned out for us with that barnet. Awful. The main talking point afterwards was Aguero putting his hands on Sian Massey-Ellis. There’s lot of layers to this one and my opinion on it has changed somewhat after just watching the whole thing now on MOTD. Initially I’d only seen a brief clip of it on Twitter and thought it was being a bit overblown. Having now watched how it unfolded it was defo worse than I first thought, but not for the reasons that a lot of people seemed to be suggesting. To begin with it seemed to me that people were making this out to be a sexual harassment in the workplace type thing. Inappropriate touching of a female colleague etc. I thought that was a bit harsh to be honest. I don’t think he should be putting his hands on her at all, but it’s fairly obvious he wasn’t being a sleazeball. Yet that’s how it was being portrayed by some though on the radio and social media. Come on people, he’s not Bill fucking Cosby. My initial take on it was that he’d been inappropriate without even realising he had and he just needed someone to tell him why that’s just not acceptable in 2020 and then we could all move on, learn from it and then forget about it. Part of the reason I felt that way was I heard City fans on the radio claiming that he’d had a pop at her over a decision he didn’t agree with and then must have felt bad about it as he put his arm on her shoulder in a conciliatory way to apologise for what he said. The still photo of it made that seem plausible and I had some sympathy with Aguero if that’s what had happened. The video tells a different story though. It didn’t look like he was apologising over anything. It wasn’t a “sorry for what I just said” it was more like a “hey, get your act together luv” type gesture. Patronising at best. If he had been apologising I'd have said that while touching her wasn't appropriate and someone needs to tell him that, I wouldn't have wanted him charged for it as I don't think there was any bad intent there and education would be more beneficial than punishment. But this wasn’t so much about inappropriate touching (although that is part of it, irrespective of his intent) because he wasn't doing it in a particularly cordial way. It was more about a lack of respect and an underlying intimidation. There’s no conciliatory look on his face when it happens and he isn’t taking back whatever he said prior to that. So while I don’t think its the most serious incident of the weekend (back to the fucking derby again) it wasn’t comfortable viewing and he’s probably lucky he wasn’t charged. It does open up a whole can of worms now about what is and isn’t appropriate behaviour when it comes to female officials. Is there a difference between touching the shoulder of a male official or a female? Yeah there is. You can argue that technically there shouldn’t be, but there just is and rightly so. It’s just not something you do, not unless you have the kind of relationship with that person that makes them ok with it. You might have female co-workers you know well and might have the kind of relationship where some physical contact is fine. I’ve never been the touchy feely type so it’s not something I have much experience of, and besides, it’s 22 years since I last worked in an office environment, but some people are quite tactile and if you have the kind of relationship with someone where they’re comfortable with it, then sound. We see Klopp and the players hugging Carol and Caroline in the Melwood canteen all the time. I’m sure it’s a similar situation with Mona the nutritionist. So it isn’t a black and white issue here. Nevertheless, there will not be any players in the Premier League who have a close enough relationship with Sian Massey-Ellis that makes touching her acceptable and that probably needs privately pointing out by the FA to every club now to ensure there is no repeat of it. In summary, I think we can all agree here that touching match officials is only acceptable if it’s to put a noose around the neck of David Coote before launching him off the Kop roof. Relax, I'm kidding. No, actually I mean it 100%. Meanwhile, Spurs looked great at home to West Ham. At least they did until they didn’t. Kane and Son were running riot and they combined in the opening minute to put Spurs in front. Kane then added a brilliant second seven minutes later. It only took nine more minutes for Kane to head in a third and West Ham were staring down the barrel of humiliation. Quite funny really as this was Moyes’ first game back after Covid. They’d been flying while he was away but as soon as he’s back they’re 3-0 down inside fifteen minutes. The Moyes effect in full flow. Spurs must have gotten cocky and thought the job was done, because they didn’t add to their lead and then they collapsed in the last few minutes. Hilarious. Bale came off the bench at 3-0 and then the wheels came off. This is boss. Imagine if Bale’s second run at Spurs started the same way as his first, where they didn’t win a game he played in for about three years. Fornels headed in what initially seemed like a consolation goal with eight minutes left, but then Sanchez put through his own net two minutes later to set up a nervous finish for Spurs. And then with the last kick of the game Lanzini hit a thunderbolt from 30 yards. Spurs can blame this on the tit who tweeted “We bring on Bale and West Ham bring on Lanzini lol”. Why would you? You just don’t fly in the face of fate like that because you deserve all you get. Wait until the final whistle and then tweet it. It’s not difficult. As amusing as all of this was, it’s never nice seeing Moyes happy (and he was ecstatic) so this was a little bittersweet really. Early season hot take. Kane is the best player in the league right now and I’m tipping him to be Footballer of the Year. Meanwhile, Villa won again. Fucking hell. 100% record for them. Who saw that coming? Admittedly, Leicester had to play without the injured Vardy, which is basically like Goran Ivanisovic playing without his serve. There’s not really much else left. Nevertheless, credit to Villa who took advantage of it by keeping a clean sheet and then nicking it late on with a goal from Barkley deep into stoppage time. Could Villa actually be good? It’s possible you know. Obviously ‘good’ is relative and I’m not talking ‘top four’ good. But every season there’s always someone who starts well and surprises people, only to usually fall away. Like Sheffield United last year. The one exception was Leicester, who didn’t fall away. Well, they did last year (in the title race at Christmas and nowhere by May) but the year they won it they didn’t. Villa will fall away, but probably not as far as people think. Top half I reckon. Tell you what though, Leicester really ought to have brought in better back up to Vardy, as Iheanacho is like a really shit, massive cunt version of Sturridge. Very similar movement and style, only this wanker isn’t fit to lace Studge’s boots. Poor old Fulham almost won at Bramall Lane but got screwed by a ridiculous VAR penalty. They went ahead with a brilliant goal by Lookman. Sheffield United can blame me for that as I was ripping him the other week. Fulham missed a pen too, when Mitrovic blasted over the bar after Jack Robinson had handled. Scott ‘Scotty’ Parker’s boys were by far the better team but then out of nothing a penalty was awarded. The ball was down the other end of the field and no-one had even appealed for a pen. Next thing VAR is telling Andre Marriner to take a look at something and he points to the spot. Sorry but that’s not a pen in a million fucking years. Robinson and Mitrovic both go for the ball, Robinson gets there first by a fraction and kicks the ball straight up into the air and is then caught by Mitrovic. There’s fuck all in that and I can’t believe a pen was given. That’s a Man United pen that is. Micah Richards said it was the right decision. Really?? He wouldn’t be saying that if it was against City or Villa. Fair play to him though, he gets about doesn’t he? He’s on Sky, BT, BBC and I’ve seen him doing Champions League games on NBC as well. That’s some quality whoring himself around right there. I don’t remember anyone ever having the full set like that before. Maybe Robbie Savage? Don’t think Sky ever had him though did they? Final one on this. I see that Lemina is at Fulham now. I remember the first few times I saw him play for Southampton and he looked like he was going to be fucking boss. Then he disappeared and now he’s at Fulham, so yeah I jumped the gun on that one. Moving on, and it was the “Gus Poyet took a shit on the dressing room floor derby” this weekend as Brighton made the trip to Selhurst to take on Palace. Always amuses me how much they hate each other and how the rivalry just doesn’t make any real sense. Palace were awarded a soft penalty when my boy Lamptey was penalised for having a hand on Batshuayi, who theatrically threw himself to the floor. Can’t believe that was given. Another Man United pen that one. Brighton were the better side (twenty shots to Palace’s one!!!) but they looked to be heading for defeat until MacAllister blasted in a deflected shot from the edge of the box. Dunk was sent off in stoppage time for an ugly over the ball lunge that caught Cahill on the shin. Thankfully Cahill was ok and wasn’t ruled out for nine months, but Dunk will still be banned for three games, unlike someone else I could mention, but won’t because I’m trying to keep my blood pressure down. Finally, Wolves won 1-0 at Leeds. Jimenez got the only goal of the game and afterwards Carra was making mischief by trying to blag Coady that Klopp had said he wants to sign him. Since Virg got injured there has been a lot of lazy talk about us going for Coady. I’ll say it again. Not good enough. Too slow. Would get ruined in a back four. The only reason anyone would talk him up for a move here is because he’s a scouser and a Red. So am I, and I’m nowhere near good enough either. Would have loved to have been in my parents living room when Carra brought that up with Coady in the post match though. I know exactly how it will have played out, but here’s a dramatic representation so the rest of you have some idea…. Carra: Conor, Jurgen Klopp says he’s interested in signing you. Would you fancy going back to Liverpool? My Dad: My Mum: