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Tuesday Jul 21: This trophy lift is gonna be shit. The lightshow and the pyro is a necessary evil as they’re just over-compensating for no fans being there. I get that, as you need to do something to cover up for the fact there’s no atmosphere and it’s all a massive damp squib compared to what it should be. But Coldplay? Getthefuckouttahere. I’m not thrilled about Kanye West either but if that’s what the players want then fine, they’ve earned the right to choose whatever they like and I’m good with it. Coldplay though? No-one is choosing that, except maybe Hendo. I could see him having lots of Coldplay on his play list and that’s fine because it’s Hendo. Anyone else and I’d be disappointed in them though. There’s a thing on the BBC website where you can pick your greatest ever LFC XI. I always struggle with these things, mainly because I overthink it. What formation are you meant to choose, because that has a huge bearing on which players you select. If it’s two up front then you’ll go Kenny and Rushy, but if it’s a three that changes things completely. What about the midfield? Wingers or a narrow three? There’s also the grey area between ‘greatest’ and ‘best’. For example, Luis Suarez walks into a ‘best’ selection for me but he’s nowhere near a ‘greatest’ one. Similarly, Alisson is undoubtedly ‘best’ but he isn’t yet ‘greatest’. So, for what it’s worth, here’s my ‘greatest’ eleven… Emlyn Hughes was probably the unluckiest not to get in considering everything he achieved (Tommy Smith would also be a strong contender). It came down to Emlyn or Carra but recency bias comes into it, plus the fact Carragher is second on the all time appearance list and that in itself is justification enough for selection. Same with Callaghan who gets in on appearances as well as being a great player and all round fucking legendary fella. There may have been greater players than him but no-one played more games for the two greatest managers ever so how could he not go in? As for the ‘best’ eleven…. This one is much more difficult I think, as medals and longevity don’t really come into it. It’s just about the best players. Right back was the toughest call. I actually think Trent will end up as the best we’ve had by a massive distance but I won’t argue too much with anyone who says that right now Nicol was better, so it’s a toss up there. There’s loads of other truly great players who didn’t get in too. Fowler, Owen, Alonso, Mascherano, Molby, Whelan, Carragher, Hyypia, Mané, Salah and loads of others. I could have put some of them in depending on what formation I went with. Plus, the team you pick as the ‘best’ isn’t necessarily the one you’d choose if you needed to win a game. I’d back our current eleven to win a game against any combination of great players from the past because they are a slick unit and not just a load of randomly chosen talented individuals. That’s why these things are so hard, because they are so arbitrary and there are all manner of different formations to choose from and each one opens up different options in terms of players. Yeah I know, I’m way overthinking this but I can’t just throw a load of names at it and say ‘that’s the best’. It requires more thought than that. One thing I would say is that our best eleven would smash the best eleven of anyone else other than maybe United. No-one else comes close. Wednesday Jul 22: L 5 Chelsea 3 I was wrong. The trophy lift was great, all things considered. It was never going to be how we’ve dreamed of it for all these years as none of us could be there, but I thought it was brilliant. I loved it and I didn’t even notice whether Coldplay was played or not. I’d say this was as good as it could possibly have been without fans, so great job by everyone involved. As for the game, it was a cracker. We haven’t defined particularly well since the restart but at least we remembered where the net was tonight. Some thrilling football and memorable goals, not least the fifth that clinched the game. Andy Robbo is incredible. I could actually make a strong argument for him as Footballer of the Year because he’s brilliant virtually every week. He’ll never win anything like that because he’s a left back, but if I was arguing his corner the question I’d ask the naysayers is this: Who is better at their job in this league than Andy Robertson? Very few are even in the discussion, but he’ll never even make a shortlist of six because of the position he plays and because so many of his team-mates are also great and receive more recognition than he does. I’m not even saying Robbo has been our best player this season (Hendo shades it for me) but just as he was last season he’s right up there with everyone else, whether he gets that public recognition or not. Meanwhile, Mbappe says he’s staying at PSG for another year. Great news as maybe in 12 months time his value will be lower and we’ll actually have a pot to piss in. Maybe. Thursday Jul 23: I was thinking about last night and soaking up all the different coverage of it and one thing really jumped out at me. Graeme Souness, a man who is notoriously difficult to please, is just in absolute awe of Klopp and this team. He is. Every time he’s on Sky he’s raving about what this team is doing and singing the praises of Klopp. He’s actually like a broken record, he keeps going on about the consistency and how he can’t get over it, and when he had a chance to speak to Klopp that’s what he asked him about. I think it’s hilarious. Souness the pundit goes out of the window when he’s covering the Reds these days. And when he got to speak to Virgil he never even bothered asking him anything, he just told him how fucking great he is. This is Graeme Souness, a man who played in some of our greatest ever sides and who won everything. He’s notoriously hard to impress, yet look at him these days, he’s as much of a fanboy as any of us. It’s great and it’s as big a compliment to Klopp and his players as you’ll find because Souness is second only to Roy Keane when it comes to “everything now is shit, it was much better in my day”. Another thing I noticed from the celebrations was how Klopp stood there with each individual player, cheering them as they took turns to lift the trophy. He lifted it himself with Lallana, which was a nice moment for both of them I’m sure. It’s when you see him right in the thick of it all that you realise just how different he is to other managers. Footage emerged today of the spat between him and Lampard and it really didn’t portray Lampard in a flattering light at all. I was embarrassed for him to be honest, although we didn’t see exactly what it was that caused him to start kicking off. It was obviously something Ljinders did, which doesn’t surprise me as he’s a yappy little bastard on that bench and is often getting under the skin of rival managers. He’s like Scrappy Do, constantly yapping away and then being held back while Klopp has to sort it out. I love him though, he’s funny as fuck. Lampard was telling him to sit down and Klopp was saying “he is sat down” trying to calm the situation. Then Trent scores and Ljinders is virtually on the pitch bouncing around and rubbing it in Lampard’s face again. Klopp had to tell him to get back in his seat! The funniest part of it all was the reaction of our subs when Lampard says “first title you’ve won and you’re giving it the big ‘un”. You can just hear a collective, sarcastic “ooooooooh!” led by Milner and Ox. If Lampard was directing that at Klopp then it makes him look like an absolute clown. If it was Ljinders (which I assume it was) then I’m actually ok with that as this type of thing happens all the time on the touchline and it’s mostly fair game I’d say. Not sure I’d be taking lectures from Lampard on TV afterwards though about winning with class and not being arrogant. One thing you can’t level at Klopp, his staff and the team is that they’re arrogant, because they’re the polar opposite of that. Can Lampard say the same about the Chelsea team he was so successful with? Something else I was thinking about today was an interview with Pete Krawietz I read earlier this week where he was talking about what he did during lockdown. Basically he went through all of our games this season with a fine tooth comb looking at ways we can improve. He said he spotted some things and that they’ve been working on them ahead of next season. It’s this kind of thing that gives encouragement that we can still keep improving even without new signings. There’s room for improvement within this squad but nothing will change my mind that if we bring in one more top forward we’d be unstoppable. Meanwhile, Birmingham have sold 17 year old Jude Bellingham to Dortmund and have retired his number 22 shirt. Apparently their reason for it is because he could have left for peanuts but he knew the club was skint so he signed a new contract to ensure they got a good fee for him. I did wonder why we weren’t in for him and that might explain why. Clubs in England were probably in his ear telling him not to sign so they could get him for compensation set by a tribunal. For him to do that and ensure Birmingham got much needed cash for him is actually a class move from the kid. So while I think retiring his shirt number is daft, I understand that they want to make a gesture to show their appreciation and I’d also say there are a lot more things to be riled up about than this. Like Pep Guardiola for example. Crying again about the Player of the Year awards and saying that Liverpool players win it when Man City win the league, so a Liverpool player will definitely win it now that we have won the league. Apparently this is “an award for Liverpool players”. We’ll just gloss over Raheem Sterling being awarded it ahead of Big Virg last year then shall we? Even though our man was in the top three for the Balon D’or he didn’t get the best player in his own league because a City player got it. They only finished one point ahead of us, whereas this year we’re about six weeks worth of fixtures ahead of City. Just sayin’ like. This is just part of a wider issue with Guardiola and City. It gnaws away at them that no matter what they do people generally just aren’t that arsed because everyone knows they’ve cheated and it means very little. Like when they beat Watford 6-0 in the FA Cup Final and thought everyone would be singing their praises. No-one cared because they’re a nothing club outside of Manchester and their achievements carry no weight because of how they’ve gone about it. De Bruyne will probably get it just because the LFC vote will be split between Hendo, Virg, Sadio and maybe even Trent, and if he does then you won’t get anyone from Liverpool crying about it as I doubt any of them really give much of a fuck about individual awards anyway (except Mo, he loves all that!). Friday Jul 24: Or maybe not! Hendo is indeed the FWA Player of the Season and no-one is more deserving. Made up for him because - in my opinion anyway - he’s been our Player of the Season and seeing as how we’ve been the best team by a mile, that makes him deserving. And that’s BEFORE you factor in all the other off the field stuff that seems have been taken into account. Clearly that counts for a lot because Marcus Rashford came third, and he’s not even been the third best player on his own bang average team. Focussing on what a top fella Hendo is and all that other stuff is actually deflecting away from the fact he’s been brilliant on the pitch. Not enough is being made of that. Going back to the Guardiola comments though. I was irked by them but I wasn’t particularly angry. Today though a mate expressed a completely different take on why he was pissed off about them and it was something I hadn’t even really considered. “Guardiola’s Hendo slight might be the thing he’s done that’s pissed me off the most. What kind of a cunt have you gotta be to be that disrespectful. Not to say “well done” to him and instead just deride him by saying Liverpool players always win these awards. Little prick.” He’s right isn’t he? Anyone else, literally anyone else I can think of, would have just said “personally I think my player should win it but Jordan Henderson has been brilliant. He’s a fantastic professional and role model, so he’d be a worthy winner too”. Imagine Klopp saying something that petty and snide if De Bruyne won it. Wouldn’t happen. He’d just say “Wow, what a player. Well deserved. My boys would have deserved it too but I love Kevin De Bruyne so congratulations to him”. It’s perfectly fine that he thinks De Bruyne has been the best player in the league this year. He might be right, De Bruyne has been sensational, but don’t disrespect Henderson by being so petty and dismissive, you spoilt little cunt. I’ve said it a lot recently but Guardiola is by far the worst twat in this league. It’s not even close. You can say Mourinho if you like but 50% of the shit he says and does is him playing a character. With Guardiola, he’s just a childish, petty, entitled, cheating, whiny little fucking bitch. So yeah now I’m proper angry about what he said. Disrespectful, classless bald, platform heel wearing, short arse, CAS appealing nonce. Fucking hate him and his cunt club. Also today, Klopp hit back at Lampard by saying “that’s not how to behave you big fat fuck”. I’m paraphrasing slightly. The jist of it was more “say what you like in the heat of battle and it’s fine, but if you continue it after the whistle then you’re being a cunt.” Which is fair I’d say, as I have no doubt Jurgen has come out with all sorts of shite during a game when his emotions are high. He never carries it on afterwards though. I hated Lampard for years and then for some reason I relented and started thinking he was alright. Seeing how he carried on the other night in that spat with our bench though, it was pretty revealing I thought. He’s one of those fake nice guys. Most of the time he comes across as a top fella but occasionally the mask slips and you realise it’s a front and that he’s actually a bellend. In yet more news today, what about that interview with Lallana where he spoke about Hendo. Fucking hell that was powerful stuff. Really emotional. Genuinely choked me up it did. I was thinking “I defy anyone to watch that without getting emotional”. Then I sent the video to my mum, who regular readers will know is not a fan of Adam. I won’t share the full response but needless to say she wasn’t moved by it at all and she ended her withering reply with “I was just surprised they didn’t get him a stair lift to go and get his medal”. Jeez. Let it go, Mum, for fucks sake! Saturday Jul 25: There was so much going on yesterday I forgot to mention that Lovren is joining Zenit for £11m. Good price that in today’s market. My gut feeling is we won’t replace him with a signing and that Hoever will be promoted into the squad, with Fabinho also providing extra cover there, so those funds might be used elsewhere. I’m just thinking aloud here, but with Lovren and Lallana off the wage bill and that cash from Zenit, that would surely be enough to cover a deal for someone such as Willian for example. I get that we don’t have money to go out and buy Havertz or Sancho, but I can’t see us going into next season without ANY new faces. I’d also be well in favour of another Harvey Elliott type signing if that were possible. Bellingham would have fitted the bill nicely but for him helping Birmingham out, but there might be one or two other wonder kids out there we could look at bringing in, because the culture here now is absolutely perfect for talented young players. Of course one of the people who played a huge part in creating that culture won’t be here. Lallana looks like he’s joining Brighton, and not Leicester. He seems like a good fit for how they play these days and Klopp has been effusive in his praise for Brighton this year. I’m sure I saw an interview with one of his staff recently too when they singled out Graham Potter and the brilliant coaching job he’s done there. Meanwhile, Andreas Pereira says he doesn’t like Milner and Van Dijk. Pereira, for those of you who don’t know (I’m guessing 50% of you) is one of numerous little nomark scrotes that currently plays for Manchester United. This is what he said "I don't really like that guy, Milner. And to tell you the truth, I don't like that guy, the defender, Van Dijk. He is Marrento, man (this means cocky, apparently). Even the way he plays is kind of arrogant." The way Virg plays IS arrogant, because all great players play with arrogance. It’s because they’re better than everyone else and can do things no-one else can. So yeah, when Virg is heading the ball to himself and leaving the hapless striker wondering what happened, it is arrogant. I don’t know why he singled out Milner though. Probably because he’s been crunched by him a few times. There was a report in the Guardian today about a fella being found guilty of the attack on Owen Jones. The reason I bring this up is because of the headline, which read “Far right Chelsea fan jailed for attack on Owen Jones”. Now far be it for me to defend Chelsea fans, but just what the fuck does who he supports have to do with anything in this case? It’s not an act of football hooliganism, it’s just a cunt doing something cunty. Even if he lived on the doorstep of Stamford Bridge it would still be irrelevant who he supports, but the guy is from Portsmouth. It’s a bad shithouse move mentioning what football team he supports. Why does football have to be brought into everything? I’m sure he likes other things too, but “far right Eastenders fan” or “far right pasta lover” won’t get as many clicks, will it? It’s easy to dismiss this just because it’s Chelsea and they do have a number of right wing loons that follow them, but it’s still grossly unfair and it could just as easily be Liverpool being dragged into the next grisly story they report. Finally today, I read Lampard’s explanation of what happened the other night and I’m mostly in agreement with him. It’s clear his only real issue was with Ljinders and he’s not backing down from his annoyance with him, which I’m fine with. He denied he has any issue with Klopp (he was very complimentary about him) and he dismissed suggestions that he was unhappy about any of the celebrations. It’s pretty much what I thought the other night. That ‘giving it the big ‘un’ comment was defo directed at Ljinders and I’m fine with that because I have no idea what Pep did to elicit that kind of response, but I’m sure he defo did something because he is a spiky little bastard. Like I said, he’s Scrappy Do. So I’m gonna go back to not hating Lampard. Until next time anyway. Sunday Jul 26: Newcastle 1 L 3. Boss that. Made up with how we played under the circumstances. It was always going to be a bit of a slog with the front three all on the bench but in fairness to the replacements we were 2-1 up by the time the cavalry arrived. Divock was brutal but then he scored. Ox did fuck all but still had an assist. I thought Minamino was lively enough and the big regret I have with him so far is he's never really had a chance to play the false nine with Sadio and Mo flanking him. That's the only way to judge him properly I think. Speaking of Minamino though, how awkward was he at the celebrations the other night? I felt sorry for him as the language barrier is obviously a bit of a problem for him. He speaks German so he can converse with Matip, Shaq, Lovren and Keita but it ust be really hard to get involved in the dressing room banter when you've got no idea what's going on. My cousin Al said it reminded him of the episode of Only Fools when 'Gary' went to live with Del and Rodney and didn't have a fucking clue what was going on. He's nailed it there. Taki had the same confused look on his face, and 'Gary Minamino' has a nice ring to it. Might start calling him 'Gary' from now on. Elsewhere today Villa stayed up and Leicester choked away a top four spot. Not going into any of this in too much detail because it will be covered in the round up, but Villa staying up has opened up a whole can of worms now because of that Hawkeye incident against Sheffield United. I don't think Watford have much of a claim as they'd still be down even if that goal had stood (although that one goal may have led to another and another, we'll never know), but Bournemouth aren't going to just accept this with so much money at stake. It's a legitimate beef but this is why that whole thing should have been sorted out at the time during that particular game. The technology wasn't working, everyone could see it was a goal and had the VAR official stepped in and just given the goal then this situation would never have arisen. Now it'll get messy and the Premier League only have themselves to blame, as they should have addressed it at the time, even if that meant replaying the game. Monday Jul 27: Kloppo wins Manager of the Year and Ferguson reveals that he was woken up at 3.30am by Klopp telling him "we've won the league". This is one of the greatest things ever. Just imagine how that went down. We all saw how shitfaced the gaffer was that night when the title was clinched. We saw the video of him dancing in his little white hotpants! Eventually he must have reached a stage where he thought "I'm gonna ring Ferguson for a laugh". I have questions though. How does he have Ferguson's number? He must have got it from Kenny, right? What did he say to him? Did he just sing "We are the Champions"? Did he put any of the players on? Did Kenny also have something to say? What did Ferguson say? Was he more pissed off than when Mike Phelan popped that balloon and scared the bejesus out of him? Sadly I doubt we'll ever get that answers I want. And sure enough Bournemouth are considering legal action about the hawkeye incident. I don't blame them but this is a case they can't win. Meanwhile... goodnight, sweet prince. Dejan officially leaves and Mo gives him a nice touching tribute on LFCTV. I’m a little surprised as Mo usually completely downplays their friendship just to bust Lovren’s balls. I fully expected him to respond to “do you have a farewell message for Dejan” with “bye then”. But he didn’t, and it was nice. Then he went on instagram and said to him “don’t text me too much, I’m on vacation”. Classic Mo. It was time for Dejan to go. Definitely. He could have gone this time last year but I wasn’t in favour of that and was glad it didn’t happen. Now though the time is obviously right for everyone. He leaves with a Premier League winners medal, we got a good fee for him and everybody is happy. The best part about him leaving is I won’t get riled up reading the abuse sent to him from the “LFC fam” on social media. They’ll have to find someone else to pick on now, especially as Hendo has made himself virtually untouchable. It’ll be Milner next. “You’re too old, fuck off out of my club and back to Leeds”. Telling yer, if I ever see that then I’m rounding up a posse and going after them. …..and that was the week that was

The longest season in history is finally over, and for the first time I'm able to write one of these final day recaps without having to mention another club being Champions. Feels good. It wasn't the most dramatic of final days was it? Leicester, Watford and Bournemouth were the biggest losers, with Villa, Chelsea and United the ones left celebrating (much to the annoyance of Roy Keane, I'll get to that later). Watford are so shit that they couldn’t even get a result against an Arsenal side with both eyes on next week’s FA Cup Final. Arsenal had nothing to play for, Watford had everything to play for. And Arsenal still won. Watford would have probably gone down even if they’d kept Nigel Pearson but getting rid of him ended any slim hope they had. The Gunners went ahead after just five minutes with a VAR awarded penalty after Dawson clumsily barged into the back of Lacazette. Notorious Arsenal hater Mike Dean didn’t give it initially but VAR corrected that mistake and Dean’s face was a picture as he got the message through his ear piece. You could see him thinking “Ok, if that’s how you want it, but I still say I was right”. Aubamayeng converted from the spot to edge closer to Vardy in the race for the Golden Boot. He then teed up Tierney for the second, which came immediately after Watford had wasted a glorious chance to equalise. Soon it was 3-0 as Aubamayeng produced a brilliant overhead kick to get himself within one of Vardy. That’s as close as he would get as Watford dominated the rest of the game and Arsenal almost went the full Arsenal. Dean confirmed his true colours by awarding a penalty AGAINST Arsenal when Luiz caught Welbeck. The striker got his shot away, it was saved, and Luiz arrived a fraction late and kicked him. There is no way on earth though that Dean gives that at the other end. I read somewhere that Luiz set a Premier League record for penalties conceded with that. At least this time he didn’t also pick up a red card. Money well spent that new contract. I'm glad he's staying as he's one of the most entertaining players in the league. He's like the golfer who goes birdie, eagle, quadruple bogey right the way through his round. He's the one you want to follow around as you never know what he's going to do next. That's David Luiz that. Deeney tucked the penalty away and he didn’t go down the middle this time. Must have read what I said last week. That sparked a Watford flourish and Welbeck’s close range strike made it 3-2. They peppered the Arsenal goal after that but couldn’t force an equaliser. So off you fuck, Watford. Hopefully the newly promoted teams will fare better against Man City than you did. Let’s face it, they can hardly do worse. I’ll miss my boy Troy though, unless he gets picked up by another top flight club of course. He was asked by an interviewer after the game if he was planning on retiring and replied: “I’m not that old. You cheeky bastard. Sorry, shouldn’t swear. Sorry!”. Like I say, I’ll miss him, he’s good entertainment. Is there anything worth scavenging from the Watford carcass? Sarr seems to be a player who a lot of Reds would take. I liked him before he even joined Watford as I remember him excelling as an attacking right back in the World Cup or Senegal. I wouldn’t want us to sign him though. Maybe in a couple of years he might reach the required standard but right now he’s nowhere near. Doesn’t score enough goals, misses too many chances and still has a lot of developing to do. Doucoure will be in demand and Deulefeu would be getting a lot of attention too if he hadn’t picked up that bad injury against us. Neither would be of interest to us but both are good Premier League players. On his day, Deulefeu is brilliant. That ‘day’ used to be two or three times a season but over the past year or so he’s improved his consistency. Danny Welcrap is finally about to find his level though, at long last. There is one player from Watford I’d probably take though depending on the circumstances and cost. Ben Foster. Now hear me out. He’s not someone I’d be looking at if we didn’t already have Alisson. He’s not number one at a top club material but name me a better number two in this league. I don’t think there is one. Foster has easily been a top ten keeper in the Premier League these last few seasons. He’s got the occasional howler in him but every week on MOTD he seems to be making miracle saves. I don’t know what’s happening with Adrian and whether we’ll be in the market for a new number two, but if we are I’d defo be kicking the tyres on Foster (I'd consider Joe Hart too, although I'm pretty sure I'm in a minority on that). He’s English too which helps on the home grown quota, although I think we’re fine on that anyway. So Watford can fuck off, they have no complaints, but I can see why Bournemouth will be looking angrily at that failed hawkeye incident that gave Villa a point against Sheffield United. They’re talking about legal action but it won’t get them anywhere. Not unless they can borrow Man City’s lawyers. They have a legitimate beef about that but they also need to be looking in the mirror because ultimately Bournemouth just left it too late to start showing some form. They comfortably beat Everton at the Pit but it counted for nothing as Villa picked up the point they needed at West Ham. Richarlison’s handball allowed King to open the scoring from the spot but Moise Kean equalised with a tap in. Goals from him are rarer than rocking horse shit. The same could have been said about Dom Solanke until recently, but he’s doing alright now and he restored Bournemouth’s lead with a great header. I hope he tears up it in the Championship next year. Stanislas made it 3-1 as Pickford yet again made a fool of himself. Proper shit him. Just mistake after mistake after mistake. Him and De Gea seem to be trying to out-clown each other and Pickford is winning by a distance. What makes it worse is he's an arrogant little cunt with it, always shouting at people and being an aggressive, cocky little prick. His team-mate probably fucking hate him. I see Richarlison has pledged his future to the Blues this week. Kind of. Sort of. Ok, so what he said was if an offer comes in then I’m off, but if it doesn’t then “I guess I could hold on for another year”. Maybe he thinks Barcelona will come back in for him? Actually they might, as they seem pretty fucking clueless of late. Anyone on the planet with a Brazilian passport probably has a shot at a move to Camp Nou these days. I see that Bilbo Baines retired after this game. Can’t say I blame him. Playing in that team has to have taken a heavy toll. Even more of a toll than when he was carrying the ring around all those years before palming it off on poor unsuspecting Frodo. What is it they like to say? When Everton touches you you’ll never be the same. Funny thing is he left Wigan 13 years ago to give himself a better chance of success and in that period Wigan have won more than Everton. You can't write this shit, that's why I stopped years ago. Everton's reality is funnier than any piss take I can come up with. The result left the Blues languishing in 12th. Ancelotti has been in management for 25 years and had never finished in the bottom half until now. Again, when Everton touches you… So despite Bournemouth winning it was Villa who survived thanks to a draw at West Ham. They took the lead late on through Grealish but were pegged back immediately through a deflected Yarmolenko shot that looped over a desperately back-pedalling Reina (he’d have saved that easily back in his prime). They were never going to lose it in the closing minutes though because West Ham had no incentive to score. The players probably felt arlarse on Villa, knowing that if they scored they’d be relegating them. Maybe with a crowd in there it might have been different but with an empty stadium there was nothing to push West Ham into trying to score. If I’d have been a Villa player I’d have been in the ear of the Hammers lads telling them to just chill and take the draw. It was the perfect final day fixture for Villa really. They looked dead and buried when footy restarted, especially as they continued to lose. But the shitness of Watford and Bournemouth kept them in it and then they rallied to save themselves with two wins and two draws from their last four games. There were scenes of jubilant celebrations afterwards, much to the contempt of Roy Keane. The look of complete disgust on his face was great, as was Micah Richards’ hysterical laughter in reaction to it. Great TV that. My take before I saw it was that I wouldn’t begrudge the Villa players celebrating as an outpouring of relief is completely understandable. When I actually saw it though, the singing of “Sweet Caroline” and all the dancing and bouncing around, yeah I’m leaning more towards Keane’s take on it. I understand that any team in that position is going to celebrate but it doesn’t sit well with me at all when I watch it. Just makes me look at them and think ‘you fucking losers, next year you won’t be so lucky’. So I completely get why someone who thinks the way Keane does would be appalled by it. I reckon Souness probably had the same reaction when he saw it. Say what you like about Keane but it’s that single minded, win at all costs and anything else is failure mentality that made him the great player he was. And he was a great player. I have no qualms about admitting that. United had several genuinely world class players during that era and I fucking hated them all (Schmeichel, Hughes, Ronaldo, Cantona etc). Yet all of the United greats were seen as being greats while they were playing. Only one of them has become a great since hanging up his boots. Only one has seen his reputation grow with each year since he stopped playing. It’s a mystery even Colombo couldn’t solve. At the current rate of progression in ten years time Paul Scholes is going be sandwiched in between Messi and Maradona on the all time greats list. It’s fucking ridiculous. Seems like every other week there’s some slapdick or other who was selected for one England squad, coming out of the woodwork and trying to make himself seem like some sort of football sage by waffling on about how under-rated he was and “no-one could get near Scholes in training" or “he was always three moves ahead of everyone else”. Fuck off with that shit. If he was that great then people would have said it at the time and we’d have all seen it with our own eyes. He was never even in the top three players at United in the entire time he played there. I’ll fight anyone to the death before I’ll ever concede that Scholes was world class. Over-rated miserable little manc ballbag. I have absolutely no idea how I ended up talking about Paul fucking Scholes but clearly it must have been festering away and I needed to get it out, so there you have it. So anyway, Villa live to bore another day while Nice Guy Eddie now has to face the prospect of life back in the Championship. Assuming he stays there of course, which he might not. What would be the point really? He’s taken them to heights they’ll surely never scale again. He should look for a new challenge now. Maybe Grealish will too? It was fitting that he scored the goal to ultimately keep Villa up as they’ve been almost a one man team at times this year. Mings has done alright too but it’s mostly just Grealish isn’t it? He might stay now they’ve survived, but it probably depends who comes in for him and how much Villa demand. Early reports suggest £80m. Anyone who pays that is utterly fucking mental and has more money than sense. So United it is then. If we were flush with cash and in the market for a player like that, I’d be all over him (but not anywhere close to that price) even if it was just to see my mum’s reaction. We aren’t flush with cash and we aren’t in for a player like that, because if we were I’d much prefer we brought Coutinho back. Is there anyone from Bournemouth worth cherry picking (see what I did there? They’re the cherries, and I said cherry picking, because we’d be picking from the cherries. This is what you pay your subscription for)? City are taking Ake (they’re welcome to him) and there will be quite a few other players in demand. Wilson, King and Stanislas are all mid level Premier League players, while a lot of people seem to like Lewis Cook. I don’t think there’s anyone who would be of interest to us other than maybe the kid at left back who turned us down to go there. I didn’t want Bournemouth to go down but now that they have I can’t say I want them to come back up. I’d rather a team with a bigger stadium came up, just because it makes it easier for our travelling fans to get a ticket. Onto the top four ‘race’ now. Initially I felt bad for Leicester as I believed they deserved top four having been there all year right up until the final week. Then I saw their record since Christmas. Fucking hell, it’s not far off relegation form. The only reason they were able to hang on for so long is because of the flaws of everyone else other than us and City. I do have sympathy for them over what’s happened since lockdown as they’ve just been killed by injuries. They don’t have a big enough squad to cope with that and nor should they. They’ve done well to build such an impressive first eleven but you can’t expect a team with their resources to have a star studded bench too. The last few games they’ve been without the two full backs, Ndidi, Maddison and Soyuncu and it’s completely killed them. Here’s the thing with Brendan. When things are going well he’s great. He can set up a team to play a certain way and when he has his best players it can be really effective. When the going gets tough though, he just doesn’t have it in him to just dig in and grind out some results. With all of those injuries Leicester should have just reverted back to the old “sit back and hit Vardy on the break” tactic that won them a league title. Instead they just continued trying to play 'Rodgeball' and the end result is the soft cunts have allowed United to sneak into the Champions League. I find that hard to forgive so I hope they go down next year. They had their fate in their own hands but lost 2-0 to United. It was so predictable too. They even let Jesse fucking Lingard score. They needed to win so Brendan went all gung ho instead of playing patiently and waiting for an opening. There was nothing more certain than them getting done on the counter, as that’s pretty much the only thing United are good at. Of course United were also awarded a penalty. Their 20th of the season and 14th in the league, which is a new record. Nothing dodgy about that though, no sir. Johnny Evans was sent off for an over the ball tackle. Soft get must have forgotten he wasn’t playing for United anymore. You can only get away with that when you play for them, not against them. Jonjo Shelvey was unavailable for comment, he’s probably still busy calling Ferguson a cunt. Yeah, I’ve got a long memory when it comes to holding grudges. Fuck Johnny Evans. I expected Leicester to lose but I also thought there was a reasonable chance Chelsea would too as Wolves are the kind of side that could go there with nothing to play for and completely spoil the party. I don’t trust Chelsea at all as they’re flakey bastards. You could even argue that there’s a touch of the Arsenals about them, although Chelsea have more attacking talent and aren’t quite as gutless as Arsenal. Still, they’ve conceded six more goals than Arsenal this year and next week’s cup final could end up 6-5 if both sides turn up. It’s more likely that we’ll see both of them shitting themselves and it going to pens after a 0-0 draw though. Wolves can feel aggrieved about this though as Chelsea’s opener came from a free-kick that never was in first half stoppage time. Neto pulled out of his challenge and was nowhere near Alonso, who took a dive. Mount scored from the free-kick and Wolves lost their heads, then allowing my boy Giroud to score a minute later after being played in by Mount. Mount has had a good season and he might be worth picking up on the cheap when he finds himself cast aside for all these new players Chelsea are buying now that their ban has been lifted. We’ll see how much “Fwank” believes in youth when next season starts and Mount, Abraham, James and Tomori are all watching from the bench or from Vitesse. Not sure who I want to win the FA Cup Final. Ordinarily I’d want both of them to lose but seeing as these two ensured that there’d be no Mancs in the final I don’t begrudge either of them winning it. I can’t actively root for either, but I think I’d rather Arsenal won it because they beat City and because Lampard is getting too much praise for not really doing anything. The same is true of Arteta actually, but he didn’t act like a cunt on our touchline so there is that. On the flip side, Arsenal Fan TV is shit when they win. Speaking of cunts though, Harry Kane was on the scoresheet again as Spurs drew at Palace. Schlupp got the Palace equaliser and they probably should have won. Mourinho and his coaches celebrated at full time because the result saw them qualify for the Europa. How the mighty have fallen eh? Bit embarrassing really (and his coaches seemed to realise it as they were a bit half arsed). I’d love to get Roy Keane’s take on it. Zaha wants to leave but where’s he gonna go? The Blueshite were the only ones who wanted him and that might be the case again. He’s too good for them but if no-one better wants him then what can he do? I’d happily have him here as we never get pens anymore and he’s the master at winning them. Seriously though, if he was available on the cheap I’d defo take a punt on him but he won’t be, so it’s all moot. I've said this before, but Zaha is worth £80m to Palace but half that to anyone else. Sheffield United’s excellent season ended on a bit of a downer as they lost to Southampton. The Blades went ahead through Lundstrom but a brace from Che Adams against his old club and an Ings pen won it for the Saints, who look well equipped to be next season’s Leicester (hopefully without the manc enabling choke job). They’re really tough to play against and they improved massively over the course of the season. A screamer from Bissouma put Brighton up at Burnley. This was his first ever goal in what was his 50th game. Mad that really, he’s played 50 games in the Premier League and I genuinely have no idea who he is or what position he plays. There are so many nondescript player in the league these days it’s impossible to keep up. Most of them seem to play for Watford, Brighton and Villa. Burnley equalised with a brilliantly taken goal by Wood. I’ve said plenty of disparaging things about him over the years but this was a lovely goal. Connolly then won it for Brighton with a nice individual goal. Can’t decide if he’s good or shite. He’s mostly shite but there are times when he looks really promising. Burnley should have had a blatant penalty when Rodriguez got across his marker and went down but ‘Mossy’ was having none of it. Bear in mind this is the same fat cunt who’s been handing out penalties to the Mancs whenever a defender so much as farts in the direction of one of them. Check his bank account for fucks sake. Then again, he’s probably being paid in Pizza Hut vouchers. Twat. Burnley also had a goal disallowed for offside, which was quite fitting really. Rodriguez (who headed it) was fine but they had a player impeding the keeper from the corner (as they do on every corner) and he was correctly adjudged to have been offside and interfering with play. Dyche didn’t entirely agree with it but said he’d have wanted it disallowing if it had been against his team. He’s been alright this season you know. There have been one or two times in the past when he’s seemed like a bit of a knob but for the most part I reckon he’s a decent enough fella. As is Graham Potter, I like him and because of that I’m glad Brighton stayed up. Finally, Man City did what they do best. Beat up on some poor saps in the bottom half. Them beating Norwich 5-0 was the most predictable result of the day. I said in the Newcastle report that City seem to win 5-0 four out of five games, and then lose the fifth. The biggest upset of this entire season was them losing at Norwich, so this was always going to be a big win for them. I didn’t even watch the highlights, I just forwarded it to the post match and then wished I hadn’t, as it was yet more ball licking of the 'Spanish Paul Scholes'. Ok, that’s harsh as, unlike Scholes, David Silva has genuinely been a great player. I wouldn’t dispute that, he's brilliant and if you can put your dislike of City to one side (I can't) then you'd say he's a joy to watch. My beef here is that he’s just not as great as so many people seem to be bigging him up to be. Again, let me point this out for the sake of clarity; he’s a great player and he’s had a brilliant career. All I’m saying is that it’s doing my head in seeing all this over the top praise for him. Just say he was a great player, really talented and fun to watch and leave it at that. Don't go overboard to prove a point. There are people who are genuinely trying to claim he’s been the best foreign import to the Premier League. He’s not even the best foreign import on his own fucking team. Again, just to be clear, he’s been a great player. I’m not telling you otherwise, but the amount of fawning over him is doing my head in. Loads of Reds are doing it too, which I’m pretty sure is in no small part being done to wind up City fans by showing how magnanimous we can be about their players while they do nothing but pour scorn on ours. Nevertheless, I’m irritated by all this “one of the greatest” nonsense. That’s where the Scholes comparison comes in. Silva has never been Footballer of the Year (never really been close to it either) and how many times has he even made the “Team of the Season”?? Just checked and the answer is twice. So in all the time he’s been here (ten years) he’s made the team of the season twice and never been close to being named the best player in the league. And now he’s leaving "Scholes Syndrome" seems to be kicking in. So yeah, say it with me. O-V-E-R-R-A-T-E-D. Good riddance to the little cunt. Can’t wait until Aguero fucks off next. In short, fuck each and every person at Manchester City who isn’t named Kevin De Bruyne. And thats another season in the can. Thankfully we don't have to wait long for the next one as I'm ready for it right now. Finally then, some awards: Player of the Season (non LFC) 1 Kevin De Bruyne 2 Danny Ings 3 Mateo Kovacic Goal of the Season (non LFC) 1 Son v Burnley (sorry Mum!) 2 Harry Wilson v Man City 3 De Bruyne v Newcastle Wish he played for us: 1 Kevin De Bruyne 2 Mason Greenwood 3 Adama Traore Best opposition fans: 1 Sheffield United 2 Ermmm…. 3 Yeah I got nothin’ Cunt of the Season 1 Pep Guardiola 2 Pep Guardiola 3 Pep Guardiola Team of the Season (non LFC): Pope; Ricardo, Soyuncu, Tarkowski, Chilwell; Moutinho, De Bruyne, Kovacic; Sterling, Jimenez, Ings: My Boys XI (all players selected are either current, past or potentially future ‘my boys’): Hart, Lamptey, Dunk, Soyuncu, Van Aanholt; Traore, Fleck, Snodgrass; Ings, Deeney, Giroud: subs: O’Connell, Antonio, Noble, Doherty, Saint-Maximin, Pukki.