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It turned out ok in the end but for a while this was turgid, pedestrian, uninspired shite. Understandable to a degree and we might see a fair bit more of this before the season is out, but in the end they found a way to get it done and it’s three points closer to a potential points record. It’s easy to over-analyse these behind closed doors games and put any below par performances down to the lack of fans, or blame it on the fact we’ve already won the title and our intensity has understandably dropped. There’s almost certainly an element of that, but how do we really know? Let’s not forget what happened last time we played Villa. It wasn’t exactly vintage was it? We needed two goals at the death to win it. At least this time we didn’t leave it that late. We probably played slightly better at Villa Park than here but until the triple substitution around the hour mark this was poor. The thing is, we’ve had a number of games like this one this season and most of them took place in front of full houses (not many at Anfield though to be fair) so maybe we can’t just put it down to ‘lockdown footy’. It sure feels like it is though, doesn’t it? The first half was largely a non-event. To be completely honest I was bored stiff watching it. Have we had a half that bad at Anfield this season? I’m struggling to remember one. We’ve had loads away from home, I know that, so this performance wasn’t actually THAT unusual. Villa were resolute and did their jobs well but it was too easy for them. I can only think of one shot we had in the first half, and that was a tame volley from Mo that didn’t trouble Reina at all. We had a couple of penalty shouts too, both when Salah went down after being grabbed. The first one was never a pen, it was more of a coming together than anything else. I thought the second one was a pen though. The defender reaches out and grabs Mo’s shoulder, pulling him back. He’s got no need to be putting his hands on him there. It would have been soft, but I’ve seen them given for less. I was more upset with our lack of creativity than any refereeing decision though. We offered virtually nothing. You could even argue that Villa posed more of a threat. Not much more, but it was more than us. I can only remember them having one first half chance when Alisson made an easy save to deny Luiz, but if they had a bit more quality up front there were some counter attacking opportunities to be had. They just weren’t good enough to make anything of them. Big difference to facing a fired up De Bruyne and Sterling, that’s for sure. Klopp had freshened things up a little by resting Firmino, Henderson and Wijnaldum. That made for a more attacking looking midfield which in theory should have been ideal against a deep defending side like Villa. Having Origi up front should have helped too, giving us that penalty box presence and aerial threat. It wasn’t ideal though. In fact, it was only when two of those players were replaced that we actually started to look like ourselves. The last half an hour was pretty good actually. Not great, we can obviously play a lot better, but it was night and day compared to the first hour. The tempo immediately lifted with Hendo getting on the ball and injecting some urgency into our passing, while Bobby linked more with his fellow forwards in five minutes than Div had done in an hour. I thought Keita was incredibly fortunate to have survived the hook because if anything he’d been even less effective than Ox. If I was Ox I’d have been annoyed that I’d been the one to make way, but Keita repaid Klopp’s show of faith by supplying the pass from which Mané finally broke the deadlock. It was a nicely worked goal that and the pass from Naby is brilliant actually because it’s not even on at the moment he plays it. Great vision, great anticipation and great execution. Definitely enough for his army of social media acolytes to use in their “Fabinho / Keita / Thiago” wet dream fantasies, but not enough to convince anybody else. Not yet. He needs to do more. I’m not even exaggerating about the fanboys either. Search for “Keita Thiago” on twitter and see what comes up. One loon even posted a picture of Jordan, Pippen and Rodman and said “Fabinho, Keita and Thiago next season”. Jesus. Keita was eventually brought off and his replacement scored. Don’t expect to see young Curtis being compared with…. well I’m assuming Keita was meant to be Michael Jordan in that imagery, with Fabinho as Rodman and Thiago as Pippen. Yeah, that’s where we’re at right now. Keita being compared to arguably the greatest sportsman of all time. The Naby groupies are the “LFC Family” equivalent of those deluded United fans with their little green and gold twitter badges bigging up Wan Bissaka and Martial. I was made up for Curtis getting his goal but I wasn’t surprised. That’s what he does. He got a bit lucky with the deflection but the instinctive movement that got him in space is something you can’t really teach, it’s just natural football smarts. The cross goes over his head but as soon as he sees Mo is going to get it he just drifts back a couple of yards to allow Mo to find him with a knockdown. I like the options we have in most positions now but without labouring the point it is a concern seeing the drop off whenever one of the front three doesn’t play. Sometimes things don’t look great even when they do play, but take one of them away and it gets really bad. I’m not scapegoating here because Salah and Mané were no great shakes either, but Origi did absolutely nothing. If Sadio and Mo don’t have great games they won’t be judged as harshly as they have nothing to prove. Divock on the other hand, has everything to prove. I’ve made excuses for him who he’s been used wide left but this was his chance to do something at centre forward and I honestly can’t remember a single thing he did in the game. He didn’t win any headers, he didn’t try to take anybody on, he didn’t have any goal attempts. He was just there, standing out for his hair rather than his performance. Klopp has a decision to make next season. Is Origi really the answer as the fourth forward? Would Brewster be a better option? Do we need to buy? To me it’s clearly option three, but Klopp better than I do, so we’ll see what he decides. Going back to Keita for a second, I can see ability and occasionally he’ll do something that makes you go “yeah that was nice”, but it’s not enough really is it? He’s been here two years now, he should be showing more. In fairness, so should Ox. We’ve seen flashes from him but he’s another who often flatters to deceive. Ox, Keita and Origi were all given a chance to shine in this game and none of them took it. Keita at least did something worthwhile but none of them did anything to seriously threaten any of the first choice lads places. I think a big part of it is that none of them play week in week out and it’s difficult to show your best form when you don’t play regularly. When Ox has had a little extended run he’s usually got into some good form. When Naby has an extended run he’s always gotten injured. Origi hasn’t had an extended run for about four years. We’ve got our first choice midfield three, then we have Keita and Ox, so that is making it difficult for Jones to get the minutes he deserves. Personally I’m at the stage now where I’d happily give him the minutes Keita is getting. I think he deserves it because he’s done more with far less playing time. It won’t happen though because Klopp loves Keita and seems convinced that he’ll come good. Maybe he will, let’s hope so. I have a lot more confidence in Jones establishing himself in the team than I do Keita. I love the swagger Jones has. He has a lot of improvement to make defensively, but he makes things happen when he’s on the pitch. He’s positive, he tries things and he scores goals. He needs more minutes and hopefully a start or two before the end of this season. I hope to see more of him over the next few weeks because he’s fun to watch. Not necessarily starting all the time, but he needs more minutes than he’s been getting. Same with Williams. He should start the next game, probably at right back but you could even try him on the left, even if it’s just for 45 minutes before switching him over. That way Trent and Robbo are only playing a half each. It’s a difficult balance though, I get that. Klopp won’t talk about points records and I genuinely believe him when he says it’s not something he thinks about. He does, however, want to win every game, which in turn will lead the record. And because he want to win every game you’re not going to get him making six or seven changes from his usual line up. He also has too much respect for the competition to fuck about with his team selections when we’re playing teams at the bottom. I don’t expect him to go close to full strength against one relegation struggler and then rest everyone against another. So we’ll probably see three, maybe four changes each game. I’m good with that as I want the record but I also want to see the kids getting some meaningful minutes. Not necessarily all at the same time, in fact I’d prefer it if it were one at a time in an otherwise strong line up. I want to see Jones playing with Firmino, Salah and Mane. Not with Elliott, Origi and Shaqiri. All in all this was a decent enough win. It was shite for an hour but in the end we wore them down and it’s a win and clean sheet. I’ll take this every game between now and the end of the season, although obviously I’d much prefer performances to be like what we produced against Palace. I just don’t think it’s realistic though. Maybe occasionally but I don’t believe it’s sustainable week in week out with no crowds and nothing really to play for other than pride and the points record. Villa deserve some credit too though I think. We were shite but that’s partly because of how organised and resolute they were. All season I’ve been banging on in the round ups about how much I want Villa to go down. Well I’ve had one of my trademark changes of heart. I hope they stay up now. Why? Couple of reasons really. The first is Dean Smith. I really like the guy and I feel like a bad arlarse wanting him relegated just because Villa’s fans are generally knobheads and some of them threw a party on a train to Wembley when it was Stevie’s birthday. I am a petty man and I’ll hold a grudge with the best of them but I’ll admit I’m struggling to hold onto this one. Especially after the guard of honour they gave us. Correct me if I’m wrong, but they didn’t have to do that, did they? If City had refused last week that would have been frowned upon as it was our first game after clinching the title. I don’t think everyone we face has to do it though, do they? It’s been that long since we won it that I genuinely have no idea. I dunno, maybe they do. Doesn’t matter anyway, the thing that stood out to me was that Villa did it properly. They showed proper respect in the way they lined up and the way they applauded. They didn’t have to but they did. Fair play. Last week the body language of most of the City players was fucking terrible, and that little rat fuck Bernardo didn’t applaud at all. Some of them fucked off before all of our players had even reached the pitch. Petty gobshites. You see how Villa did it and it shows City up for what they are. So, if Villa manage to get out of this mess then good for them, I won’t begrudge them it at all. And if they don’t, I’ll just focus on those train nonces in their party hats and I’ll take great comfort in them having to watch Championship football again while their hero Grealish moves on to pastures new. Star man is… *exhales* I don’t know. I don’t think anyone was at their best or even close to it. Alisson did what he had to and made a class save late on from Grealish, but the game changed when the three subs came on, and of the three subs Hendo probably had the most impact so fuck it, I’ll give it to him even though I don’t feel good about it. I’m tempted to give it to Jones, but that really would be taking the piss seeing as how he was only on five minutes. Team: Alisson; Alexander-Arnold, Gomez, Van Dijk, Robertson (Williams); Fabinho (Henderson), Oxlade-Chamberlain (Wijnaldum), Keita (Jones); Salah, Origi (Firmino), Mané:

After the Lord Mayor’s Show as they say, and as far as results go this was a dung cart and a half. The performance didn’t really reflect the scoreline but against City you only have to be a little bit off and this is what can happen. I’m just glad our Etihad nemesis Aguero was missing otherwise this could have been really embarrassing. Ordinarily 4-0 would be embarrassing enough but with the title already won and this result cutting our lead to a mere 20 points, embarrassment isn’t really the right word. Neither is humbling, or chastening or whatever. We’re the Champions and we’re 20 points ahead of City regardless of what happened in this game, so I don’t actually know how to best describe this loss. I know I hated it though. I had a proper cob on for the rest of the night and I’m still irked about it this morning. Maybe that’s unreasonable and if you’re not arsed about what happened at the Etihad then more power to you. I just hated seeing us lose like THAT. And to lose like that to THEM. Judging by how tetchy Klopp was afterwards on Sky you could be forgiven for thinking he felt the same. It’s only when you watch the interview he did with LFCTV straight afterwards that you understand how he really felt about it. He was more philosophical than angry, but that’s almost certainly because of the line of questioning. When assessing Klopp’s post match mood you have to take into account just what a monumental dick bag Geoff Shreeves is. He’s probably the worst one out there as his questions are just fucking moronic half of the time. Lowest common denominator, basic, shitty redtop style questions. He’s the Jim White of TV. Usually Klopp shows more patience with him but I completely understood why he got so arsey this time. There’s a reason every top manager has had run ins with this tool. After a bad result the last thing you need is Shreeves pushing his own little narrative and trying to get you to take a stroll down “Whopper Avenue” with him. He asks a stupid question based on his own agenda and when he doesn’t get the answer he wants he asks the same stupid question in a slightly different way hoping he’ll get what he’s looking for. Instead of asking Klopp “so, how did that happen?” and just letting him talk (Jurgen is great analysing how the game went) he wanted to peddle the story he’d tried to get going pre-match about our players not being prepared or focused because they’ve been celebrating all week. Like I say, it’s lowest common denominator, redtop shite and it clearly got Klopp's back up. The players had one night on the ale, a week ago, and have been training hard ever since. There was no lack of effort from them and they took the game seriously. They didn’t lose because some of them got bevvied a week ago. They lost because they were wasteful with the countless opportunities they created and they made far too many stupid mistakes in defence. The effort was there in spades, it’s insulting to infer that it wasn’t. If you want to put the result down to partying or them not being arsed about the rest of the season then that just tells me that you haven’t been paying attention. It’s not who these players are and it’s definitely not who Klopp is. That was why he was pissed off in his Sky interview, not because we lost. The LFCTV interview was much more informative simply because Peter McDowall basically just says “disappointing result there, Jurgen. What went wrong?” Klopp then tells him what went wrong. Not clinical enough, too many mistakes, can’t do that against such a strong opponent etc. And that’s exactly what it was. The easiest and laziest thing in the world is to put this down to the players not being up for it, but it’s nonsense. They were still running and trying to score even in stoppage time at 4-0 down. Effort wasn’t the problem. Intensity wasn’t the problem. Sloppiness at both ends of the pitch was the problem and yes maybe that’s in some tiny part due to them not playing for the highest stakes possible, and therefore not quite being fully switched on mentally. Rather than it being a lack of effort, I think it was more a lack of fear. By that I mean usually when we play City everyone has to be completely focused on not making any mistakes because the stakes are so high. You have to play almost the perfect game because if you don’t the consequences can be catastrophic. That wasn’t the case this time though as we already had the title sewn up. Maybe players were taking too many risks? Being a little too casual? Some of the decision making was terrible so I'm just saying, maybe the ‘nothing to lose’ thing comes into it, even at a subconscious level. We might have gotten away with it against most opponents but Sterling and De Bruyne were bang up for this game and they made us pay. It hurts. I don’t like it. I’m still sore about it but it can happen. If anything, it highlights even more just how incredible it is that we’re 20 points ahead of these fuckers. This game really came down to who scored first. We started the game well and I felt we were well on top for the most part until we gave away the penalty. That changed the momentum of the game but it was the second goal that really killed us I think. After that I thought we looked wide open and ripe for City’s counter attacks. We never really got close enough to De Bruyne (even though funnily enough I thought Fabinho actually had a good first half) and Trent and Joe had too many problems with Sterling. I can sort of understand that. You come up against De Bruyne and Sterling when they’re at their best and it’s tough. The most disappointing thing for me was how Robbo made that little fucking manc ballbag Phil Foden look like Messi. That was hard to take as I just hate Foden. I have no rational explanation for it other than it’s just his fucking face. He’s right up there with the most annoying faces out there. He’s my new Jon Dahl Tomasson I think. I see his face and just want to slap it. This was such a strange game. The score makes it look like we got battered, especially as City could easily have scored more, but it didn’t really feel like a battering and it definitely didn’t start out that way. We began the game really brightly. Mo should have done better when Van Dijk’s ball over the top sent him clear. He brought it down on his chest and then went for power with his shot, forcing Ederson into a decent save. Thing is, Ederson was stood 14 yards out and the ball was bouncing so Mo should have lobbed him. It would have been more difficult to miss than score in that situation. All you have to do is get it over his head and you’ve got the whole goal to aim for. To make it even more frustrating, Bobby completely fluffed the rebound, which summed up his night really. Mo then went through again and struck the post with a well placed shot. That was just unlucky. To make it even more frustrating, Sadio completely fluffed the rebound, which summed up his night really. It felt like the goal was coming but then City went ahead completely against the run of play. I don’t have any complaints about the penalty. Yes, Sterling grabs Gomez first, but that’s just two players grappling and it’s fine. It’s also fine when Joe has a grab back at him too. The problem is he keeps hold of him and then has two bites at trying to tackle him while doing so. Sterling went down easily in the end but when a defender has been pulling you for two or three seconds, preventing you from getting away, at that point you’re entitled to go down. Clear penalty for me. Not great from Gomez, but Henderson and Wijnaldum are both just stood there looking at him and neither moved to help him out. I do wonder if Joe defends that way against another City player though? Was he trying to outmuscle Sterling rather than just defend him properly, or am I overthinking that? Anyway, absolutely no complaints for me on that decision by Anthony Taylor other than why exactly was Gomez booked? If that’s outside the box there’s no way that’s given as a yellow card. A penalty is more than sufficient punishment and I thought Taylor was completely out of order putting Gomez into the book too. Maybe that’s the law now, it’s hard to keep track of the bullshit changes that they’re making every year. Joe was actually hooked at half time and the booking was probably a big factor in that. Fabinho moved to centre back for the second half and did ok. At this point it feels like it makes more sense using him if needed than bringing in Lovren, but we’ll see what happens whenever Gomez is rested. I feel like we haven’t seen the last of Big Dejan yet. I wasn’t overly concerned at going a goal down but the second one really was a killer. Suddenly it felt like we had a mountain to climb. Just a really shitty goal to give away too. When we’ve played City in recent years the thing we’ve done really well is not give the ball away cheaply. Because when you give it away cheaply and De Bruyne picks it up in space, you’re fucked really. They get runners going wide to spread you out and De Bruyne always picks the right ball. This time Gini gave it away needlessly and before you know it they’ve bypassed our midfield and are running at our back-pedalling defenders. It was happening all night. De Bruyne found Foden and he picked out Sterling. Gomez has no chance at this point as he’s caught on his heels when Sterling immediately cuts back inside with this first touch. 2-0 and it’s the player we’d least want to make an impact who’s done all the damage. Turns out he can play well against us after all, but only when there’s no fans in the stadium. The third goal was probably the worst. Oh Robbo, just what the fuck was that? Actually I forgot to mention that on the second goal when Gini gave it away, Robbo inexplicably went chasing a ball he had no business going for and he ended up taking himself out of the play completely. Well he did it again on the third goal. It was embarrassing actually. So rash it was worthy of a Sunday League player. He just charged at Foden, completely out of control, and he made it easy for the City youngster to just pop the ball off and then spin off him into space. I don’t think Alisson covered himself in glory either as Foden was on his right foot and had Alisson dropped back and made him beat him with a well placed shot then you could accept that. Instead he just charged out and was beaten by a shot that ended up in the middle of the goal. Not good. Sterling almost bagged a second when he ran half the length of the field before his shot was deflected inches wide by Fabinho. Look at Robbo on that one again though. Chasing the ball like a dog in the park. The fourth goal was self inflicted too. Trent was just so fucking casual and weak there. He presented the ball to City and once again they had us turned around and De Bruyne was running at our retreating defence. Again, look at Robbo though. He’s with Sterling but leaves him to track another runner who is already being picked up by Ox. The ball goes to Sterling in space, he turns inside a desperately trying to recover Robbo, and although his shot was going wide Ox didn’t know that and put it in his own net as he tried to block it. It summed up the whole night. Just a comedy of errors. In between all those goals we had loads of opportunities but wasted them all. The high press worked well at times and we won the ball back frequently only to do nothing with it. If there was one moment that summed up the attacking performance it was when Sadio found himself in front of goal with only Ederson to beat and he literally did nothing. Didn’t even touch the ball. Just allowed it to roll past him. In the end City could have scored more than four. Actually they did but they had one laughably ruled out for ‘handball’ in stoppage time when Mahrez beat Alisson on his near post. Alisson had also gotten away with murder earlier when he came out for a cross he had no chance of getting and had to watch gratefully as De Bruyne put his header wide of an open goal. I’m not actually sure this was Alisson you know. Are we sure it wasn’t Adrian in an Alisson mask? For all the calamities at the back though, on another day we’d have scored four or more too. You need to be clinical against City and we weren’t. It feels like this happens quite a lot in general and games are often a lot closer than they should be because of it. It’s funny really because De Bruyne said before the game that we played better last season when we finished second. In some respects I think he’s right but I’d go one step further and say that in attacking terms we played even better the year before. Of course we’re a vastly superior all around team now and we know how to get results in different ways, but as a unit I thought the front three dropped off a level last season from the year before, and I think they’ve dropped off even more this year. Not to the extent that it’s hurt us, obviously, but can you honestly tell me that Firmino or Salah are playing as well as they did two years ago? Mané has actually gotten progressively better every year, but the front three as a whole have dropped off this year in terms of their goal output. It seems daft pointing that out when we’re twenty points clear at the top and don’t get me wrong, I’m not making too big a thing of it. It’s just interesting I think. The amount of games they’ve played over three years might even be the explanation for it. Bobby in particular has looked goosed for much of this season and seems to get subbed a lot. Could the lack of quality cover / competition for the front three be causing the drop off? Not only does it mean they don’t have to fight for their place but it also means they are hardly ever rested. Over the last three seasons they've gone from being unstoppable to brilliant to very good. Bobby was really poor against City and it was no surprise when he was replaced by Origi, who unfortunately was equally ineffective. He's not the answer, although in fairness it's really difficult for bit part players who hardly play to ever show their best level. Look at Danny Ings now, for example. He wouldn't be playing like that if he was getting 15 minutes from our bench every other week. You know what, I’m going to crunch some numbers here just to see how much of a drop off there has been. I’ll disregard the domestic cups and just go with Europe and the Premier League…. hold on. Ok, so two years ago, the season when we reached the CL final and finished fourth. We scored 131 goals. An incredible 89 came from the three main forwards (we also got 12 in half a season from Coutinho). Last year when we won the CL and got 97 points, we scored 113 in total and got 69 from the front three, twenty less than the previous year. This year, we’ve romped away with the league and so far have 87 goals. The front three are on just 51 though (which includes the World Club Cup when Bobby scored a couple). At best it looks like they’ll finish on mid 60s, which continues the downward trend. My eyes tell me the same thing. When they’re on it the front lads are sensational (last week against Palace for example) but whereas the team as a whole is much better now, the front line has dropped off two years in a row now. Maybe it’s nothing to worry about and next year they’ll bounce back and score shitloads. But maybe they won’t? And if they don’t, what viable alternatives do we have to mix it up? The answer to that is none, unless you think Minamino is going to be able to provide the same kind of impact we’ve had from Mo, Sadio or Bobby over the last few years?. Don’t mistake this for moaning. I love all three of those lads and they’ll all be remembered as legends when they eventually move on. This is a great team that has achieved great things and hopefully this is just the start. I’m not actually even criticising them as individuals and I’m certainly not calling for any of them to be replaced. If anything I’d like us to get them some help as I fear we might be asking too much of them. A fourth player who can share the load and help to keep everyone fresh and fighting for their place would be just lovely, but I won't hold my breath. I just think it has to be at least a little bit of a concern to Klopp that the goal output from the forwards is decreasing year on year. It’s not like they don’t get enough chances. It feels like we get loads of great situations in almost every game, yet so often we’ve been winning 1-0 or 2-1. It just makes life more difficult when you aren’t clinical. That’s what this came down to in the end. City were just much sharper in the final third and they were marginally less error prone at the back. I say marginally because they made shitloads of errors too. How many times did we catch them playing out from the back, nick the ball from them and then waste the opportunity? Half a dozen at least. Do you remember who it was who gave the ball away though? I don’t but that’s only because we didn’t score from any of them. If we had made them pay for those mistakes then I expect people’s view of the performances of Laporte, Garcia, Rodri, Ederson or whoever would be entirely different. City would be discussing them the way we’re talking about Trent and Robbo today. Games like this are often decided on little things. Yeah, in the end it got away from us and if you make the mistakes we did then you deserve whatever punishment you get. For a while though this game was in the balance. If Mo’s shot goes in instead of hitting the post then we’re talking about a different game. If Anthony Taylor and VAR did their job and gave handball against Ederson and sent the cunt off, then we’re talking about a different game. If the title had still been in the balance then I’d probably be talking about that decision forever, much like I still obsess about the same manc ref not sending off Kompany in this same fixture last season. This time VAR also comes into it, but it still falls on Taylor because if he’d given handball it wouldn’t have been overturned. And it was handball. And it prevented a certain goal. That reckless, ugly, neck tattooed cunt came flying out of his goal as he tends to do, and he completely fucked up his clearance. The ball hits his foot but then goes underneath him and if it doesn’t hit his elbow then Salah is clean through on goal. With the title already wrapped up it’s not a big deal and will soon be forgotten but decisions like that change games. I don’t want that twat anywhere near our games with the Manchester clubs in future, but then I said that last year and here we are talking about him again. I’m not blaming him for the result but equally there’s no denying that we’re talking about a completely different game if he sends Ederson off. He didn’t though and we lost 4-0. It’s not nice but it was self inflicted and it might be a lesson that the lads can learn from. The margin for error you have in most games is just hugely smaller when Kevin De Bruyne is on the pitch. What happens next is the most important thing. The points record is still on but we need to play much more like we did against Palace and a lot less like we did at Goodison and the Etihad. I expect to see some changes for the weekend. Trent needs a kick up the arse and Neco is pushing hard for a spot so let him play against Villa. You could also make a case for starting Minamino in Bobby’s spot to see if he’s a viable option there. Keita will probably come back too. I thought he was fairly lively when he came on in this game, whereas Ox didn’t really do anything to justify getting a start. I honestly have no idea what to expect over the next few weeks now because football without fans is fucking weird and we’re seeing all kinds of mad results. With the title sewn up and so many games in a short space of time there’s naturally going to be a lot of rotation and we don’t know what that will mean for results. One thing I’m not expecting is for us to win all six games as that almost seems impossible now under the circumstances. I know it doesn’t ultimately mean anything as winning the league was all that mattered, but I don’t want the season to fizzle out with a spattering of draws or even defeats. Let’s finish strong and lay down a marker for next season too, and yeah, that points record would be great while we're at it. Chances to make history don't come along that often so let's not waste it. Star man isn’t easy as hardly anyone played well. Fabinho was fine, Hendo did alright and Salah looked lively (especially in the first half). I’ll probably go with Van Dijk as he did his job well enough and couldn’t really be held responsible for the clown show going on around him. Team: Alisson; Alexander-Arnold, Gomez (Oxlade-Chamberlain), Van Dijk, Roberton; Fabinho, Henderson, Wijnaldum (Keita); Salah, Firmino (Origi), Mané (Minamino):

Three Watford players were filmed at a gathering of over 20 people last Friday, according to Match of the Day. I googled it and the ‘gathering’ was a birthday party for Andre Gray, organised by Gray himself. All three players were left out of the squad for the Southampton game for ‘health and safety reasons’. Translation: They were told to stay the fuck away because Nigel Pearson was going to kill them with his bare hands. Seriously, how fucking irresponsible is that? Watford aren’t mid-table with nothing to play for. They’re still in a relegation fight, but their players can’t social distance for the next few weeks? No shock that Andre Gray was involved. If I had to pick one Watford player who’d do something like this he’d have been top of my list. I daresay my boy Troy won’t be happy. He didn’t want to come back and play at all because his little lad is in an at risk group. Now three of his team-mates are putting him at risk by… well I’ll let Gray himself tell you what happened. "It was not a late-night party like what is being portrayed. It was only a gathering of friends which turned into a sort of football tournament on my birthday.” A ‘sort of football tournament’. In other words, a kick about with a load of his non-footy player mates, who unlike his actual team-mates are not being tested twice a week. If I was Deeney I’d want to smash their faces in. They probably wouldn’t have made any difference to the result against Southampton as the Saints were just too good for them, but it’s not really the point is it? Ings fired Southampton ahead with a terrific goal and then doubled their lead with another sharp strike. 21 goals for the season, 18 of which have come in the league. I referred to Timo Werner recently as a “Harrods Danny Ings”. A massively more expensive but only slightly superior version of the actual Danny Ings who you can pick up at Asda. I’m quite pleased with that analogy but it might actually be flattering Werner. I was thinking about this the other day though. It would have been difficult for Klopp to justify (to himself as well as Michael Edwards) spending so much on Werner when he’d sold virtually the same player for less than half that price. How do you rationalise that? Ings is one goal shy of being the leading scorer in the league this season. If Werner matches that next year then he’s done well. If Mo can’t win the Golden Boot this year (and he still might, he’s only two back of Vardy) I’d love Ingsy to win it. Anyway, Bednarek put through his own net to give Watford hope but a stunning free-kick from Ward-Prowse wrapped it up. Great technique that, as his entire body shape suggested the ball was going around the wall into the far corner but he whipped it right back across and over the wall into the opposite corner. Final note on this. Bednarek is a dead ringer for short haired Milan Baros. The other game at the weekend saw Wolves put another nail in Villa’s relegation coffin with a narrow 1-0 win at Villa Park. My boy Adama was back on the bench for Wolves as they took on Villa. Is there a fitness issue with him as he seems to be left out quite a bit doesn’t he? Maybe Nuno Holy Spirit likes the option of bringing him off the bench against tired legs. To be fair it is a great weapon to have. Imagine being a little bit leggy and then having this cunt come on and just fly past like the Road Runner. Getting deja vu there as I’ve defo used that line before but can’t remember who I was referring to. No wait, it was Gabby Agbonlahor! Remember how fast that fucker was before he developed that little ale gut? Even then he was still like shit off a stick. He was always boss against us and he’d just fly past people. Meep Meep! Just had a little look to see where he is now, and he retired at 32 because he didn’t want to play for anyone other than Villa and couldn’t face the thought of playing against them. He said he planned to spend his retirement watching Villa. Fucking hell lad, get yourself a hobby or that shit will drive you to an early grave. Back to the game though. Villa did alright really and a sharp finish by Dendoncker from the edge of the box was the only difference between the two sides. Villa can’t score but they are defending well and not conceding many. Dean Smith had a bit of a moan afterwards but he had a point. Villa’s schedule has been hectic as fuck since the return, partly because they had a game in hand and he wondered why this game couldn’t have been played a day or two later. Fair point. There is no real reason it couldn’t have been played later and another game been arranged for the weekend to satisfy TV. Another thing he said was that these games are basically shit without fans anyway but they’re even worse when players are knackered. We might see that ourselves over the next couple of weeks when we’re playing every two or three days too. It’s a necessary evil because we missed three months so it needs to be condensed, but it does seem like Villa have been given the shitty end of the stick. Still, never mind, eh? Moving on, and Arsenal beat Norwich 4-0 so no doubt those players are now swaggering about, dicks swinging, feeling pretty good about themselves again. Beating up on a team that’s already down and has given up is pure Arsenal. Fair weather cunts. Tim Krul handed them the opener when he dwelled on the ball too long and was robbed by Aubamayeng who was left with a simple tap in. He’s a decent keeper him and he’s been great for Norwich, but if I was his manager he’d be watching the rest of the season from home after that. You know how I feel about those kind of goals. They’re inexcusable as it shows a lack of homework. It’s not quite as bad as a keeper fannying about when Jamie Vardy is in the vicinity, but Aubamayeng is very similar. Quick as a hiccup and always looking to pick people’s pockets. You just don’t take chances around certain forwards, and he’s one of them. Krul needs his arse kicking for that. It didn’t get any better for him either. Arsenal’s second was a strike from Xhaka that went right through his legs. The third was a joke too, although Krul could do nothing about that one. A defender played the ball across his own box straight to Aubamayeng who gleefully accepted the gift. Goal number four was a long range shot by Cedric Soares that deflected into the bottom corner. The first I knew that Soares was even at Arsenal was last week when he was given a new contract. I didn’t know he even had an old contract! It’s games like this that probably make it so difficult for some Arsenal fans to accept just how far away they are. Because when they’re on, they play some lovely stuff. They always have. They can’t do it against anyone decent though. I reckon every Arsenal fan’s day begins with the radio switching on and Sonny and Cher singing “I got you babe”. Because it’s the same shit on a continuous loop. Terrible, spineless defeats that have the fans on the brink of despair, then a few spanking wins over shite that make them think things maybe aren’t so bad, before another spineless defeat sends them spiralling again. Saka signed a new deal though. It was always on the cards that even though us and United were supposedly trying to land him. An Academy kid who has just broken through into the first team at a ‘big six’ club is unlikely to want to move somewhere else where he probably won’t get the same playing time. If Saka develops as expected then he’ll move in two or three years when he gets fed up of the spineless mediocrity around him. Unless Arteta can completely purge the entire club of that Arsenal stink, and seeing as how he handed Luiz a new contract I wouldn’t hold out too much hope of that happening. So I said last week that with the title now wrapped up the only thing I was rooting for now was for West Ham to get relegated. That’s not looking likely after the events of this week. Not only did they somehow beat Chelsea, but Bournemouth are just lurching from bad result to even worse result. They got smoked at home to Newcastle. Dwight Gayle got the opener, Sean Longstaff added a second after great play by the lively Saint-Maximin, Almiron added a brilliant third and Lazaro (who’s he?) lashed in a fourth. That Dan Gosling jabroni managed a consolation but this was a proper spanking. Nice Guy Eddie’s side don’t look like they are capable of winning another game. I don’t know what’s happened to them as the one thing they’ve always had is a goal threat, but right now they just look toothless. Mind you, they’re like Burnley in that they can be right streaky bastards. Every season they seem to lose ten on the bounce but then go ten unbeaten and finish somewhere between 11th and 15th. They’re leaving it a bit late this season though and West Ham are benefitting more than anyone. They recorded a surprise victory over Chelsea, the bastards. Willian scored from the spot after Pulisic had been fouled, but Soucek levelled with a header from a corner. Kevin Abraham was on the line and should have cleared it, but he seemed to misjudge the speed of the ball and whiffed at it. Antonio then fired West Ham into the lead but a brilliant free-kick from Willian made it 2-2 and that’s how it looked like finishing until Yarmolenko broke clear on the counter attack in stoppage time and won it for the Hammers. You know what’s one of the worst images in football? Moyes being happy after a win. I’m so used to seeing him looking miserable as fuck that anything else is a real shock to the system and turns my stomach. Such is my desperation for him and the West Ham board to be relegated that I had to check myself from laying into Chelsea after this. They did, after all, beat City last week to clinch the title for us, so any criticism of this would seem a little bit churlish. Still, West Ham?? Really Chelsea? West fucking Ham? Take a long hard look at yourselves, knobheads. Klopp has been telling the press that we won’t be spending any money this summer because of the financial situation. Fair enough, if the club say that the money isn’t there then that’s just how it is. With that in mind though, surely Willian on a free is a no brainer, especially if we offload a few fringe players to cover his wages? United had a comfortable 3-0 win over Brighton to keep the hype train rolling. They’re not as shit as they were but they’re still a million miles away from where they think they are. Still, as long as they think they’re on the right track they’ll keep Solskjaer, which is good. I’m sick of all this fawning about that Fernandez fella though. Even loads of our fans have bought into the hype about him. I keep seeing people going on about how great he is but I’m not buying into it. Just because he’s better than their other midfielders doesn’t make him special. Being an upgrade on Jesse Lingard and Anreas Perreira isn’t difficult. Look, he’s good, I get it. I’m not going to say he’s shit when he clearly isn’t, but let’s not go overboard here. United’s fans will do enough of that themselves, the deluded fucks (the one player they are entitled to go overboard about is Mason Greenwood, who looks like he’s the player people thought Rashford was). Here’s my scouting report on Bruno Fernandez: Shoot on sight merchant. He’s Gylfi Sigurdsson when he was at Swansea. Gets it, shoots. Rinse and repeat. Yeah he looks good now, but so did Sigurdsson for a while. Stop him shooting from outside the box and then let’s see what else “Portuguese Gylfi” has. Speaking of Gylfi, the “Icelandic Bruno Fernandez” scored from the spot as the Blues added to Leicester’s recent woes with a 2-1 win at Goodison. Richarlison *spits on floor* fired Everton ahead and then they were awarded a pen when Ndidi handled in the box. That Iheanacho fuck pulled one back and Leicester piled on the pressure, but despite the best efforts of the comical Pickford to gift them an equaliser the Foxes couldn’t manage it. Since the restart Leicester have been fucking abysmal and the top four spot that once looked nailed on is now under serious threat. That’s pissing me right off to be honest, because if they miss out then either United or Wolves will get in, and I’d much rather Leicester were in there as they’re the lesser of those three evils. In an ideal world they’d regroup and secure a Champions League place and then Wolves would pip Chelsea and United for the other spot, but that ain’t happening is it? Burnley won 1-0 at Palace thanks to a diving header from Ben Mee. Incredibly, they’re level with Spurs, one point behind Arsenal and only two points behind Sheffield United, who up until a week ago were in Champions League contention. This league is mad. I’d like Burnley to finish above Arsenal though. There’d be something quite fitting about that as they’re complete polar opposites. Burnley’s players have to fight and scrape for everything they get. They survive each year on hard work, honesty and effort. They’re the absolute antithesis of Arsenal. Finally, Sheffield United produced arguably the biggest upset of the week by beating Spurs 3-0. They’ve looked terrible since the restart and have lost some key men through injury. Lockdown footy is mad though, results are just too unpredictable and you never know what’s going to happen. Of course it helps when Harry Kane has three goals disallowed! That Sander Berge looked good. He opened the scoring with a nice little turn and finish. Then we had the absolute abortion of a decision to disallow Kane’s equaliser. I’ll expand on it in a sec though. Mousset made it 2-0 from close range and McBurnie added a third following more good work by Berge. I’m not sure I can remember seeing anyone ever being happier about scoring a goal than McBurnie was, especially in an empty stadium. He was giving it fucking loads. Kane did grab a late consolation but Spurs were well beaten in the end. Mourinho didn’t use the disallowed goal as an excuse and said the team weren’t mentally strong enough to recover from it. That may or may not be the case but they shouldn’t have had to recover from it. Look, I don’t give a fuck about Spurs and I’m glad they lost, but I’m genuinely angry about that decision because it just demonstrates that the game is run by complete morons. For anyone who hasn’t seen it, what happened was Moura was running with the ball and was fouled by two defenders. He fell to the ground next to the ball and another defender came in and booted the ball against his arm from about an inch away. The rebound fell to Kane who scored. Not only did they disallow the goal for ‘handball’ but they even forgot to give Spurs the free-kick. It’s not even funny, it’s just an absolute fucking disgrace as this shit could be happening to any of us. The VAR ref was Michael Oliver and he had no choice but to disallow the goal. Common sense isn’t allowed and by the ‘letter of the law’ (hate that expression as it’s just licence for jobsworths to be jobsworths) the goal couldn’t stand. Not giving Spurs the free-kick was just rubbing salt in the open wound and either Oliver or Chris Kavanagh fucked up badly on that aspect of it. This genuinely might be the most ridiculous ‘correct’ decision I’ve ever seen though. The rule is so fucking stupid that technically it was the right call. This wasn’t a mistake. Imagine coming up with a rule that legitimately rules out a goal like that. Whichever smug cunt in a suit came up with that needs to be fired out of a massive cannon and launched into orbit. Or better yet, stick him in a locked room with Moyes and force him to listen to Moyesy discuss all of his ‘achievements’ and why he’s such a winner. That’ll learn him. Twat. Other than Corona virus that attacking handball nonsense has been the worst thing about this season. Worse than VAR even. It’s so bad it actually had me siding with Mourinho and Kane. I wouldn’t have though there was anything on this planet that could do that, but there you go.

It’s hard to be arsed about any of this in the week when we finally ended our 30 year title drought, but the season doesn’t stop just because we’ve won it. I expect our lads to continue putting in maximum effort until the end of the season and therefore so will I. So, while I appreciate that you probably don’t give a shit about West Ham losing to Spurs or Bournemouth’s perilous slide towards the Championship continuing apace, I have a job to do here and given that I’ve always had a work ethic that makes Dirk Kurt look like Homer Simpson (stop laughing at the back) the show must go on. There’s only one place to begin this. Stamford Bridge. An empty Stamford Bridge, which was great because it meant that there were no Chelsea fans there to sing about Steven Gerrard all night. You know they’d have been banging that one out for the entire 90 minutes, just to try and sour our moment of glory. Not that anything could, but still, it was nice not having to listen to them. Chelsea were the thorn in our side in 2014 and they’ve dined out on it ever since (which is actually fair enough, it’s all the other fuckers who had nothing to do with it yet jumped on the Demba Ba song that really pissed me off). So this was a nice situation. Their fans won’t have wanted their team to be the ones who confirmed us as Champions, but it was a really important game for them and they needed the points. Lampard’s men carried out his gameplan well and fully deserved their win. There were a lot of encouraging signs for Chelsea but it’s funny because nobody, absolutely nobody, gave a fuck about how they played. Normally after a win like this the conversation would be about how Chelsea look like they’re a coming force and what a good job Frank is doing. They weren’t even an afterthought really. All of the talk afterwards was rightly about the new Champs. Chelsea barely even got a mention. It was well over an hour after full time that BT eventually showed a post match interview with Lampard. In the meantime, it had been all about the Champs. Even the next day Talksport was wall to wall Liverpool, to the extent that loads of listeners were texting, calling and tweeting in kicking off about it. Glorious. We don’t even need to rub anyone’s noses in it because the media coverage is causing meltdown’s up and down the country. Chelsea should be encouraged by how their team played and this was a huge win for them under the circumstances. United and Wolves were breathing down their necks and if they’d lost they’d have been on the brink of dropping to 6th, but you’d think that this result and performance cements them as firm favourites for a top four spot. They’ll probably get third actually as they’re only a point behind Leicester now, who’ve looked shite since the break. This result wasn’t too surprising as it was City’s most difficult game other than when they play us. Prior to us smashing Palace on the Tuesday night I full expected City to win. After the statement made by our lads at Anfield though I began to get a sneaky feeling that City would falter. They’ve been dominant since the restart but they lost Aguero for the rest of the season and with us playing so well against Palace it had to have had some impact on City. They knew they weren’t going to catch us anyway, but after our draw at Goodison they might have felt they could prolong it a bit longer and make us sweat a bit. So seeing us looking so formidable against Palace, they must have known once and for all it was over. Guardiola was even talking about resting players for the FA Cup this weekend. He didn’t exactly follow through on that but even in the absence of Aguero he did leave Jesus on the bench. Additionally, he included Mendy at left back and that’s enough to weaken most sides in fairness. He plays football like he acts on social media. Doesn’t seem to take anything seriously. His defending for Chelsea’s opener was comical. Future Arsenal player there if I ever saw one. What a fucking clown. Credit to Pulisic though, he took it really well. The little “slow and go” move was vintage Torres. Arl Fernando perfected that before he just went shit and it became “slow and slower”. Lovely goal though from Klopp’s former protege; the balance and the finish, just lovely. I didn’t celebrate it too much. I may have said “get in” and made an ironic “Captain America” comment (usually I fucking hate that) but I wasn’t overly excited. I’m not entirely sure why but I think it’s because the title has been a foregone conclusion for a long time in my eyes. If Chelsea couldn’t hold on then no biggie, we’d win it soon enough anyway. Of course I wanted to win it as soon as possible though. Some may have preferred to win it at City next week. Yeah obviously that would have been sound, but fuck that. I’d rather win it in record time and then have them applaud us onto the Etihad pitch next week, but the stakes weren’t really that high in my eyes as we won this title months and months ago. That would explain why I wasn’t especially deflated when De Bruyne equalised. Great strike but sorry, Alisson doesn’t let that beat him. I find myself saying that a lot, which is a combination of Alisson being great and most other keepers being… well, not so great. Kepa is young so may go on to become one of the best, but he’s not very good right now is he? If Abramovich is indeed splashing the cash again then the first thing he should do is sign Oblak. Let’s hope he doesn’t. Anyway, City’s equaliser lifted them and they had a good spell in which Sterling hit the post. Had he squared it Mahrez had an open goal but he went for glory himself and blew it. Following that let off Chelsea weathered the storm, if you can call it that - it was more of a mild breeze really - and always looked dangerous when they attacked. They just didn’t really attack much for some reason. Maybe because they couldn’t get the ball. It’s not easy against a Guardiola side. The good thing is now though that a lot of teams who play City don’t need much of the ball to hurt them. When Chelsea did win it back the counter attack was on every time. Pulisic ran City ragged and Willian was quality. If we can’t get a shit hot wide forward this summer then we could probably do worse than Willian on a free to give us much needed depth. He wouldn’t be my first choice by any means, but he’d definitely add SOMETHING if we couldn’t land one of the stellar names out there. Can’t see it though. The pace and skill of Mount and Pulisic combined with the energy and nous of Willian gave Chelsea a real threat on the break all night and City never looked comfortable. Their goal led a charmed life at times. Pulisic should have restored Chelsea’s lead when he raced clear, rounded the keeper and then produced a real wet wipe of a finish that took an age to reach the goal and allowed Walker to get back and clear. You have to credit Walker for the sense of desire and urgency he showed to get back so quickly. It was as though someone told him the knocking shops were about to open again. It was all a bit surreal to me because most of my mates were kicking every ball and stressing out over Chelsea’s near misses, but I couldn’t have been any calmer. I genuinely wasn’t really arsed because if City went on to win it didn’t really mean anything. I just kept thinking “imagine if we didn’t have a huge lead and this game actually meant something”. It would have been unbearable. Last season was stressful enough but this would be ten times worse. As it was, with a 23 point lead I had a serenity about me that is never normally there when watching City. So when there was an almighty scramble when it seemed certain that Chelsea would score only for City to somehow get the danger cleared, I was actually laughing. I can imagine most of you will have been on the verge of a heart attack at that moment, but personally I just found it funny and shrugged. What will be will be. I didn’t even have a clue that Fernandinho had handled until I saw a Chelsea player going mad and chasing the ref. Then they announced the VAR review and you could tell by the guilty look on Fernandinho’s face that he knew he was done for. The replay showed a clear, deliberate handball and the worst case scenario now was that even if Chelsea missed the pen they’d still be playing against ten men. So all of a sudden, the title was suddenly within our grasp. Willian buried the pen and we all knew then. Game over, and I love saying that. City weren’t scoring twice with only ten men. It was done. We finally had our title and all that was left was for the game to play out. To their credit, City still looked like they were trying to get back into it even though they had no chance. I don’t think there’s too much wrong with them that a couple of new defenders wouldn’t solve, but that’s eight defeats for them this season now. Unthinkable back in August when this all started. They set the benchmark over recent seasons. What they did points wise in their last two title wins hadn’t been done before. They averaged 99 points over that period. Staggering. That meant that for us to overhaul them we’d have become the greatest side this country had ever seen. And guess what, that’s exactly what we did. We’re light years ahead of everyone else now, even City, but that could change. I don’t see anybody else threatening us any time soon but City still might. We’re 23 points ahead of them but we’re not 23 points better than them, if that makes sense. They’ve lost games they wouldn’t normally lose and it’s entirely conceivable that next season they get back to the level they were previously. And yet it’s also conceivable that they won’t. David Silva is off, Aguero is another year older, Fernandinho is on his last legs and who knows what will happen if that ban is upheld. Maybe De Bruyne and Sterling will want out? Then again, maybe with FFP rules possibly relaxed due to the current situation they will just go out and spend a billion quid and rebuild the team. If they signed Koulibaly as has been mooted today then that immediately solves their biggest problem. The big thing though is Guardiola. While he’s there they’re a big threat. If they go back to the likes of Pellegrini and Mancini type managers they’ll never catch us while we still have Klopp. Guardiola’s City have been one of the greatest sides this country has seen but they needed some friendly officiating to finish above us last season and now they’re 23 points behind us. What does that say about us? It says we’re the best ever, that’s what. Ok, who’s next. May as well get the other mancs out of the way I suppose. Their 3-0 win over Sheffield United has me thinking that the Blades might not pick up another point. They had to wheel out Phil Jagielka (complete with mid-life crisis bleached blonde hairdo) along with some jabroni keeper who replaced the ineligible Henderson. Martial scored all three goals and I saw he was trending on Twitter. Couldn’t help myself, I needed to see what kind of delusions of grandeur were coming from the smartphones of @Carrick_Philosophy, @CollossalMaguire and all those other Fifa generation virgins. I wasn’t disappointed. It was mostly nonsense comparing him to Firmino. Here’s a selection (all of these are genuine, I haven’t made any of them up). “Martial has more PL hat-tricks than Firmino has league goals at home in the last 15 months” “Don’t ever compare Martial to bums like Lacazette and Firmino again” “Martial slander from people who have Giroud, Lacazette and Firmino as their strikers. No shame whatsoever.” “Hat-trick for Martial and Firmino disaster class with 0 G/A on the same day I’m hearing?” “Martial over that “defensive” striker Firmino all day long” “Martial just scored more home goals in one game than Firmino has managed all season.” “#MUNSHU martial > firmino once again” Cool, when’s the parade? You sad, low standards, how the mighty have fallen fucking whoppers. This is exactly the kind of thing I’ve been banging on about with United fans. It’s dead funny because they just don’t get it though. They don’t see it. They have no idea what they’ve become. They’re just clinging onto these completely irrelevant little stats and factoids and using them to convince themselves they’re getting closer. Firstly, Martial isn’t better than Firmino, but even if he was, so fucking what? Does that seriously make you feel better about the fact that your team is *checks table* 37 points behind us? I guess it must do, or why do it? We probably (definitely?) did similar shit over the years but thankfully we were mostly doing it on our own forums and not on social media for the whole world’s amusement. We’ve already had the Maguire > Van Dijk cringefest and the AWB > Trent nonce off, and it looks like Martial v Bobby is now a thing for them. Can’t wait until Dan James scores against Norwich and is suddenly catapulted into the Salah and Mané bracket. Fucking losers. Speaking of losers, the man who most definitely isn’t a loser because “all I do is win” lost again. What an absolute loser. The “formerly Special One” got the better of the “formerly Chosen One” as Spurs won at West Ham. Son thought he’d broken the deadlock just before half time but he was offside by about an inch. In general I’m not a fan of these hairlines decisions but I’m good with that one because it was his standing foot that was offside (as opposed to an armpit or an eyebrow) and because I don’t like Son (“he’s a sly little thing him” © my mum). The Hammers fell behind after the break when the unfortunate Soucek (whoever the fuck he is) put through his own net after the ball hit him from a corner and ricocheted past Fabianski. Kane then wrapped it up when he ran clear from halfway to score his 137th goal in 200 games. Great record that. He’s a great striker, I can’t deny it. He’s massive tit though. Moyes said West Ham played well and they restricted Tottenham. No mate, the only manager who restricted Tottenham is their own, because that’s what he does. You had nothing to do with it. Moyes did have a point when he said VAR should have disallowed the Tottenham opener for handball though. The ball brushes the arm of Sanchez before it hits the defender for the oggy. Prior to this season you’d say that’s never a handball offence but with the rule change you have to say that goal should not have stood. Awful from the VAR ref. Still, never mind, eh? Now that the title is wrapped up if there’s one wish I could have it would be for this deluded fraud, still dining out on the half decent record he had with Everton, to be relegated along with his null and void wanting Tory cunt board. Fuck Moyes. Meanwhile, Wolves continue to put pressure on the top four while Bournemouth continue to ease the pressure on the bottom three. Wait, are Bournemouth actually already in the bottom three? *checks table* Yep, below West Ham on goal difference. Fucks sake Bournemouth, if you’re the reason West Ham stay up I’ll never forgive you, no matter how much you overpay for our unwanted kids. Get your act together for fuck’s sake. Wolves have given us our two toughest games of the season. I’m not counting the Watford defeat as although you can say they gave us a tough game, it was mainly because we were just shite. We had to play well to beat Wolves both times and they gave us all we could handle. They won this one with a familiar goal. My boy Traore (brilliant again) beating two men on the right and dropping one onto the head of Jimenez who powered it home. Out of them and Leicester you’d have to say that they’re looking much stronger currently. Leicester were held to a draw by Brighton but it could have been worse but for Schmeichel saving a pen from Maupay. Leicester haven’t got going at all yet since the restart and it might cost them that top four spot that at one time looked nailed on. Tariq Lamptey started for Brighton. You might remember me talking about him before as I saw him a few times playing against our youth teams when he was at Chelsea and he looked sensational. Keep an eye on him. Villa picked up a good point after coming from behind to equalise at Newcastle. Substitute Dwight Gayle (I used to really fucking hate him but he’s nothing to me these days) put the Geordies ahead from a right wing cross by Big Andy, only for Elmohamady to steal in and equalise with a near post header from a corner. Horrific from the keeper though. Elsewhere, Burnley nearly scored within seconds against Watford but were denied by a smart stop by Foster. They weren’t wasting any time there like, the racists hadn’t even had time to start up the plane. The Clarets got the only goal of the game through Rodriguez. It takes some of the heat off them and probably secures their place in the league for next year. Watford still have a bit of work to do though. Norwich lost again as Michael Keane’s goal was enough to give Everton the points. Norwich are one of the sides who are going to miss their home crowd the most. With a full house they’d probably have gotten something from this game as Everton are shite. Speaking of shite, Arsenal actually managed to win a game. It was virtually handed to them on a plate though as Alex McCarthy passed the ball straight to Nketia for the opener. That was what Arsenal needed as their confidence will have been on the floor going into this game. It got worse when Hoijberg’s terrible pass sent Aubamayeng clear and Stephens brought him down. Red card for him and Arsenal scored from the free-kick when Willock converted a rebound after Lacazette’s shot had been parried. What a missed opportunity that was. Arsenal were ripe for the picking and Southampton should have stepped on their throats. Instead they gave them a hand job.

Ok, the games are coming thick and fast and it’s difficult to keep up. The best way to do this I think it to do the Round Up after each round of fixtures, but because there’s no break in between this means that the next round of games will have started before I can get this out there. For example, I’m writing this while Leicester and Brighton are playing, and there’s another game after that. Those will be in the next round up, not this one, so bear with me as I’ll try to keep up as best I can. Right, to kick this one off we go back to last Friday’s game at the new White Hart Lane or whatever the fuck they decided to call it… *checks google* Hahahaha Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. Fucking hell. Bet they paid a fortune to some marketing dick in a suit to come up with that one too. Christ. If that’s the best they could come up I’d love to hear the suggestions that were rejected. Anyway, Spurs took the lead against Ole’s resurgent Yernited (mad the way they’ve been talked up lately. They seemed to get better with every week they didn’t play) when Bergwijn sliced thorough the middle of the United defence and beat De Gea with a shot that was straight at him. How many times have we seen that over the last year or two? Maguire’s ‘defending’ was a sight to behold too, as Bergwijn went round him like he was a cone on the training field, but De Gea’s blunder meant that most people overlooked that. Not Roy Keane. He wanted to murder both of them with his bare hands. Ok that’s not true. He only wanted to murder De Gea. He’d have been happy enough just slapping Maguire about a bit. I don’t care what people think of Roy Keane, I’m going to come out and say that his assassination of Maguire and De Gea is the best thing I’ve seen since footy came back. It’s an admittedly low bar. The goal wasn’t really deserved and I thought Spurs were fucking woeful. After going ahead they sat back and tried to ‘Mourinho’ a result out of it. Why are they playing like that when they’ve got talented attacking players and one of the best centre forwards in Europe? That’s a rhetorical question. I know why. We all know why. It’s who he is. He can’t help himself. Enjoy the next couple of years, Spurs fans, because this is what you can expect on a weekly basis. The football is going to be brutal but Daniel Levy won’t be sacking Jose any time soon as he’ll need to pay him off, and that’s simply not an option with Levy controlling the purse strings. With Spurs just camped in their own half United were able to apply some pressure but it wasn’t until Pogba arrived that they looked threatening. He was good to be fair. I don’t say that often because I’m not a liar, but credit where it’s due he looked decent in this game. He played one terrific through ball that caused a collective orgasm among his army of twitter virgins. They’ll be showing the gif of that for the next decade in response to anything and everything, because that’s what the Fifa generation do. It’s not just United fans, but they might just be the worst for it. Arsenal are bad too, you only have to see how many times that gif of Pepe sort of slightly not really dribbling past Virgil has been posted. But United fans seem to be the specialists in celebrating minor moments and making out that they’re much more significant than they actually are. When Henderson lifts the Premier League trophy you’ll see underneath a clip of Pogba playing that pass along with the comment “yeah but can he do this?”. Kevin De Bruyne will surge past three players, ping a sixty yard ball to Sterling and then race into the box to convert the cross and you’ll see the Pogba pass with the comment “My midfielder > your midfielder” I’m not even kidding. United fans have gone fucking loopy these last few years since they became shite. They’ve been spoiled and now don’t have a clue how to handle not being successful, so they’re claiming all sorts of little ‘victories’ and embarrassing themselves on social media. These absolute dangers will big up Wan Bissaka as the best right back in the world just because he slide tackled some fucking slapdick winger from Carlisle or Rotherham in a League Cup tie. They usually have names like @Tactical_McTominay, @Martialista, @Rashfordology, @Pogba-Fernandez-Goal! or some other cringey shit like that. Cunts. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve got the same type of wanker posting the same kind of shit about our players (usually Keita doing a stepover). The difference is we’re miles clear at the top of the table and we’re the reigning World and European Champs so we can do that without looking like our hard drives should be checked. Actually that’s not true, the Keita obsessives definitely need their hard drives checking too, but I digress. So yeah, Pogba made the difference after he came on and United drew level when he skipped past the lumbering Dier and then conned his way to a penalty, which was converted by Fernandez, who is surely the most over-rated player since…well since Pogba actually. In fairness Fernandez is actually very good, he’s just been massively overhyped due to United’s midfield having been so fucking bad until he arrived. Tell you what though, Jon Moss hasn’t lost anything during the lockdown. Either in poundage or incompetence. He was fat and shit before the break and he’s still fat and shit now. He actually gave two pens to United. One was allowed to stand and the other was overturned by VAR. The truth is neither of them were pens. Pogba dived for the first and Fernandez dived for the second. Thank fuck for VAR or Fernandez would have gotten away with that. I genuinely don’t get how come more wasn’t made of the Pogba one though. Everyone other than me and Jose seems to have just said “yeah clear penalty, you can’t do that in the box”. Do what? That’s not a foul in a million years. I know Eric Dier is shit but what’s he supposed to do there? Pogba went past him and then reached back to hold him off. Dier sort of reaches out to move Pogba’s arm out of the way and then Pogba just fell down. Dier doesn’t push or pull him, he doesn’t really do anything at all. Still, if he had moved his feet in the first place instead of standing there leaden footed like some kind of Harry Maguire tribute act then the penalty incident doesn’t happen. He’s terrible. Always has been. That’s why I always used to refer to him as Eric Dire until he nailed Sergio Ramos and I felt that he deserved a little bit of respect for that so I started to spell his name correctly. So God bless him for that horrendous challenge on Ramos but the lad is a terrible football player. Remember when there was a national debate about whether he was better than Henderson? Kinell. Like arguing that (insert any band you like) are better than Bon Jovi. Absolute insanity. Spurs are now an awful shadow of the side they were under Pochettino. It’s night and day in terms of how they play, but is anyone other than Daniel Levy surprised by that? Why would you appoint that fucker? Busted flush. Still, it could be worse. They could be Arsenal. Fucking hell. I don’t even get a kick out of them being shit anymore. I’m sure I’ve said this before but it’s been such a long time since I was doing these that it’s worth repeating. I’m actually offended by Arsenal. They’re so spineless, shit and shameless about it that I don’t even enjoy them losing, I actually get fucking irrationally annoyed by it. They’re a disgrace. They’re the most spineless, self satisfied team I think I’ve ever seen. What they’ve become is not only an insult to what went before, but it’s also an insult to my football sensibilities. Nothing screams out “losers” more than Arsenal of the past few years. What a pitiful, gutless, cowardly, deluded, arrogant, our shit don’t stink bunch of fucking wasters. Arteta must be off his fucking head to have his cushy role at City to take that job. Other than some of the kids and maybe Tierney (if he hasn’t already been permanently doused in that Arsenal stink) there is not one player there worth keeping. Not fucking one. Aubamayeng is the only top player they have but they need to fuck him off while they can still get money for him, because by the time Arsenal are competing again he’ll be long retired, and possibly drawing his pension. Everyone laughs at some of the Arsenal Fan TV crew and yeah, it’s funny as fuck watching their constant meltdowns. Imagine if you had to watch that team every week though? That loss at Brighton was just as Arsenal as it gets. Leno went off on a stretcher after a clash with Maupay. He was shouting and pointing at the striker as he left the field. Wasn’t really much in it to be fair, but it was just pure Arsenal that they then went on to allow Maupay to score the winner in stoppage time. Pepe put the Gunners ahead with a beauty, cutting in from the right and lashing one into the top corner. Maybe now Arsenal fans can replace that ‘beating Van Dijk’ gif? I won’t hold my breath like. So it was looking for Arsenal but Lewis Dunk scrambled one in from close range with 15 minutes left and then Maupay won it at the death, FIVE minutes into stoppage time. Guendouzi and Mustafi kicked off on Maupay after the final whistle. Again, typical of this Arsenal team, only showing fight after the game is over. Maupay said afterwards that some of the Arsenal players need to learn humility and he’s fucking bang on there. They do. Arsenal are FUCKING SHITE. Embarrassingly so. Yet they strut around like they’re the fucking Invincibles. Maupay said one player in particular was running his mouth all game. Turns out its was Guendouzi, who was calling Brighton players shit and boasting about how he and his team-mates earn more than Brighton players ever will. A little surprising that he’s the one doing that but he’s been there a couple of years now, which is long enough for that arrogant loser stench to get on him. That whole situation sums up Arsenal. They don’t ‘earn’ more than Brighton’s players. They might be paid more, but they sure as hell don’t fucking earn it. And yeah, Brighton’s players are shit (relatively speaking), but guess what, Sideshow Bob junior, those shit players have done the double over you this season. What does that say about YOU?? This is what I’m saying. It’s why Arsenal offend me. It’s not about them not being very good. Spurs aren’t very good currently either, but I don’t find them offensive. No, Arsenal get me angry because they’re a bunch of fucking losers who for some reason still have this superior attitude about themselves. No wonder my man Troopz fucking hates them all. And now they’ve just given David Luiz a new contract. See? This is what I’m talking about. They just reward failure. There is no hope for them at all. They’re a fucking steaming heap of cow shit that thinks it tastes like a chocolate gateau. Can’t believe I’ve written so much about Arsenal. I’m angry as fuck even typing this. This is how wound up they get me. I could easily do this for another ten paragraphs as the hate is flowing, but I’ll keep some powder dry as we’ve still got eight games left before the season ends. So, moving on. Palace looked quite good didn’t they? That doesn’t bode well for us as we take them on tomorrow in an empty Anfield. They were a lot more comfortable at Bournemouth than the 2-0 scoreline suggests. Milivojevic is something of a dead ball specialist. Usually it’s pens but he takes a mean free-kick too, and he fizzed one into the top corner to give Palace the lead. Ayew made it 2-0 when he side footed in a cross from my boy Van Aanholt, who earned that status over the lockdown period by taking on that cunt Katie Hopkins on twitter before the vile fascist bitch was permanently banned. I liked him anyway as he seems like a top lad who has always been complimentary about the Reds, but yeah, he’s defo my boy now. Hopefully he doesn’t make me regret that by shining against us tomorrow. Interesting that Nice Guy Eddie reckons that playing at home is now a disadvantage. It’s been like that in Germany since the restart with loads of away teams winning, so it’s something to look out for over the next few weeks. Norwich went into the restart with faint hopes of mounting a great escape. They showed signs of life before the lockdown and had a chance to make a statement with a home game against Southampton, who don’t really have anything to play for. The Saints murdered them though. They played some lovely stuff and Ingsy looked great didn’t he? On the one hand I think it’d be nice to have someone like him to bring in whenever one of the front three can’t play, but on the other you have to realise that the reason he looks so good now is because he plays all the time. He would never have had that here so he’d never be sharp enough to do himself justice. Ings, Armstrong and Redmond all got on the scoresheet and it could easily have been more. Norwich’s defending was so bad and their tackling so non-existent they could have been wearing Arsenal shirts and you wouldn’t have known the difference. Onto Sunday now and Villa lost again. Chelsea’s starting line up was a bit weird, with Giroud and Loftus-Cheek both starting in a front three with Willian. It didn't work and it wasn't until they changed it and got Pulisic on that they looked dangerous. Villa took the lead through some guy I’d never heard of. Courtney Hause?? New one on me that. Villa seem to have come back from lockdown with half a new starting line up though. Not that it’s made any difference as they’re still shite. Pulisic then stole in at the back post to equalise and Giroud got the winner minutes later, the big handsome bastard. Games like this are the ones where you wonder if the lack of a crowd is a big factor, as Villa were standing off Chelsea and letting them play. Would they have been able to hold onto their lead better with 50,000 fans urging them on and encouraging them to press and get stuck in? There’s no way to know for sure, but I definitely think a raucous crowd can lift players maybe 5% at least. So in relation to Eddie Howe’s point I’d say that playing at home isn’t a disadvantage, but it’s probably not much of an advantage anymore either, especially in games like this when Villa could really have done with all the help they could get. Newcastle did alright without their ‘best fans in the world’ though didn’t they? Not a result you’d expect but under these circumstances there’s going to be all kinds of mad ones between now and the end of the season. Saint-Maximin picked up where he left off before lockdown and the Blades struggled to cope with him. He’s like a Poundland Adama Traore, and I mean that as a compliment as I like him, he's exciting to watch. He’s good on Twitter too, got a great sense of humour. Joelinton went clean through early on and fell over. Twenty odd games without scoring and it showed. He was then booked for going head to head with John Egan, who was also booked. Pair of fucking dickheads. I realise social distancing isn’t really possible in a game of football, but touching foreheads and breathing on each other is the height of stupidity. Egan then pulled him back when he went through on goal, which was even more stupid. Red card for him, but why would you not just let him go through and take your chances that he’d miss? I’m being serious. You’ve got to know your opponent and if I’m playing against a striker that hasn’t scored since August or whatever, I’m not going to pull him back and get sent off when I could just let him go through and he'd almost certainly bottle it. So Egan was off, the Blades were down to ten and soon after they fell behind when Stephens fell over his own feet and Saint Maximin converted at the back post. Ritchie made it 2-0 and then even Joelinton got in on the act to finally break his duck. Sheffield United have looked rubbish in both games so far though so this break may well end up hurting them more than anyone. They were a win over Villa away from going 5th, which given City’s ban would secure a CL spot. But they couldn’t beat Villa, they were stuffed by Newcastle and it feels like their bubble has now burst and they’ll do well to even stay where they are, let alone finish higher. Wolves on the other hand, look like they could make a real push for the top four. My boy Adama was left on the bench (strangely, this happens a lot) but within seconds of coming on he had West Ham petrified as he was beating people for fun. He created the opener with a brilliant cross that was headed home by Jimenez. West Ham doubled up on him but you can’t actually stop him from doing that. If he wants to go on the outside and cross, then he’s going on the outside and he’s crossing. He was involved in the second too. Showing good feet before playing it out wide to Doherty. His cross was superbly volleyed in by that little Neto prick. Great goal that. As was the goal that put Leicester ahead at Watford. What a fucking hit by Chilwell. Stunning. Hilariously, it wasn’t enough for the three points as Craig Dawson fired in an equaliser a minute later. Fair result as there’s no way Watford deserved to lose the game. Finally, as expected, City slaughtered Burnley. I didn’t watch it as there was no point. With the lack of intensity we’ve seen in all of the games so far I fully expect City to sweep everyone aside. If you don’t play at your maximum then you’ve got no chance against their possession based game. They just pass pass pass until the opening comes and someone gets a tap in. Burnley started ok and looked comfortable enough until they conceded and after that they gave up. There are lots of problems at Burnley currently, and I don’t just mean the far right Brexit loons who flew a “white lives matter” banner over the stadium just after the players had all taken a knee. I feel sorry for Burnley as a club and for all the decent fans, because shit like this just re-enforces what people already think about them. They’ve got a higher percentage of far right goons than most, but the majority of their fans will have been mortified by that. Ben Mee’s interview afterwards was fantastic. He’s a credit to his club, fair play to him. They are a club in crisis though as some key players aren’t going to play because of expiring contracts and by all accounts nobody (by that I mean Dyche and the other players) is blaming them because this is a board issue. The suggestion is that Dyche wanted to keep them all and give them new contracts but the board wouldn’t sanction it. So you can’t blame those players for sitting it out as why would you risk injury to play for a club that doesn’t want you? This isn’t a Ryan Fraser situation. Aaron Lennon, Jeff Hendrick and Phil Bardsley have to look out for themselves now as Burnley haven't looked after them. Now Dyche is reported to be unsettled too and it’s hardly surprising really. Whatever you think of him, the job he’s done there has been fantastic and if anyone has done enough to deserve a free reign with no board interference it’s him. I sometimes wonder what would happen to Burnley if he left. It depends who they replaced him with of course but I suspect it’d be like Charlton when Curbishley departed. Would anybody miss them? I think I might, just a little. I went to Turf Moor earlier this season and I must admit I enjoyed it, it felt like a proper football ground from a bygone age. Too many clubs have soulless bowls now, so going to Burnley was actually quite nice. One of the pubs near the ground is called the Royal Dyche and has an image of him wearing a king’s crown. Will they have to rename the pub if he goes, or has he earned the right to have that permanently in his honour? Chances are it’ll be ‘the Royal Farage’ before Dyche’s office chair seat is even cold.