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Three Watford players were filmed at a gathering of over 20 people last Friday, according to Match of the Day. I googled it and the ‘gathering’ was a birthday party for Andre Gray, organised by Gray himself. All three players were left out of the squad for the Southampton game for ‘health and safety reasons’. Translation: They were told to stay the fuck away because Nigel Pearson was going to kill them with his bare hands. Seriously, how fucking irresponsible is that? Watford aren’t mid-table with nothing to play for. They’re still in a relegation fight, but their players can’t social distance for the next few weeks? No shock that Andre Gray was involved. If I had to pick one Watford player who’d do something like this he’d have been top of my list. I daresay my boy Troy won’t be happy. He didn’t want to come back and play at all because his little lad is in an at risk group. Now three of his team-mates are putting him at risk by… well I’ll let Gray himself tell you what happened. "It was not a late-night party like what is being portrayed. It was only a gathering of friends which turned into a sort of football tournament on my birthday.” A ‘sort of football tournament’. In other words, a kick about with a load of his non-footy player mates, who unlike his actual team-mates are not being tested twice a week. If I was Deeney I’d want to smash their faces in. They probably wouldn’t have made any difference to the result against Southampton as the Saints were just too good for them, but it’s not really the point is it? Ings fired Southampton ahead with a terrific goal and then doubled their lead with another sharp strike. 21 goals for the season, 18 of which have come in the league. I referred to Timo Werner recently as a “Harrods Danny Ings”. A massively more expensive but only slightly superior version of the actual Danny Ings who you can pick up at Asda. I’m quite pleased with that analogy but it might actually be flattering Werner. I was thinking about this the other day though. It would have been difficult for Klopp to justify (to himself as well as Michael Edwards) spending so much on Werner when he’d sold virtually the same player for less than half that price. How do you rationalise that? Ings is one goal shy of being the leading scorer in the league this season. If Werner matches that next year then he’s done well. If Mo can’t win the Golden Boot this year (and he still might, he’s only two back of Vardy) I’d love Ingsy to win it. Anyway, Bednarek put through his own net to give Watford hope but a stunning free-kick from Ward-Prowse wrapped it up. Great technique that, as his entire body shape suggested the ball was going around the wall into the far corner but he whipped it right back across and over the wall into the opposite corner. Final note on this. Bednarek is a dead ringer for short haired Milan Baros. The other game at the weekend saw Wolves put another nail in Villa’s relegation coffin with a narrow 1-0 win at Villa Park. My boy Adama was back on the bench for Wolves as they took on Villa. Is there a fitness issue with him as he seems to be left out quite a bit doesn’t he? Maybe Nuno Holy Spirit likes the option of bringing him off the bench against tired legs. To be fair it is a great weapon to have. Imagine being a little bit leggy and then having this cunt come on and just fly past like the Road Runner. Getting deja vu there as I’ve defo used that line before but can’t remember who I was referring to. No wait, it was Gabby Agbonlahor! Remember how fast that fucker was before he developed that little ale gut? Even then he was still like shit off a stick. He was always boss against us and he’d just fly past people. Meep Meep! Just had a little look to see where he is now, and he retired at 32 because he didn’t want to play for anyone other than Villa and couldn’t face the thought of playing against them. He said he planned to spend his retirement watching Villa. Fucking hell lad, get yourself a hobby or that shit will drive you to an early grave. Back to the game though. Villa did alright really and a sharp finish by Dendoncker from the edge of the box was the only difference between the two sides. Villa can’t score but they are defending well and not conceding many. Dean Smith had a bit of a moan afterwards but he had a point. Villa’s schedule has been hectic as fuck since the return, partly because they had a game in hand and he wondered why this game couldn’t have been played a day or two later. Fair point. There is no real reason it couldn’t have been played later and another game been arranged for the weekend to satisfy TV. Another thing he said was that these games are basically shit without fans anyway but they’re even worse when players are knackered. We might see that ourselves over the next couple of weeks when we’re playing every two or three days too. It’s a necessary evil because we missed three months so it needs to be condensed, but it does seem like Villa have been given the shitty end of the stick. Still, never mind, eh? Moving on, and Arsenal beat Norwich 4-0 so no doubt those players are now swaggering about, dicks swinging, feeling pretty good about themselves again. Beating up on a team that’s already down and has given up is pure Arsenal. Fair weather cunts. Tim Krul handed them the opener when he dwelled on the ball too long and was robbed by Aubamayeng who was left with a simple tap in. He’s a decent keeper him and he’s been great for Norwich, but if I was his manager he’d be watching the rest of the season from home after that. You know how I feel about those kind of goals. They’re inexcusable as it shows a lack of homework. It’s not quite as bad as a keeper fannying about when Jamie Vardy is in the vicinity, but Aubamayeng is very similar. Quick as a hiccup and always looking to pick people’s pockets. You just don’t take chances around certain forwards, and he’s one of them. Krul needs his arse kicking for that. It didn’t get any better for him either. Arsenal’s second was a strike from Xhaka that went right through his legs. The third was a joke too, although Krul could do nothing about that one. A defender played the ball across his own box straight to Aubamayeng who gleefully accepted the gift. Goal number four was a long range shot by Cedric Soares that deflected into the bottom corner. The first I knew that Soares was even at Arsenal was last week when he was given a new contract. I didn’t know he even had an old contract! It’s games like this that probably make it so difficult for some Arsenal fans to accept just how far away they are. Because when they’re on, they play some lovely stuff. They always have. They can’t do it against anyone decent though. I reckon every Arsenal fan’s day begins with the radio switching on and Sonny and Cher singing “I got you babe”. Because it’s the same shit on a continuous loop. Terrible, spineless defeats that have the fans on the brink of despair, then a few spanking wins over shite that make them think things maybe aren’t so bad, before another spineless defeat sends them spiralling again. Saka signed a new deal though. It was always on the cards that even though us and United were supposedly trying to land him. An Academy kid who has just broken through into the first team at a ‘big six’ club is unlikely to want to move somewhere else where he probably won’t get the same playing time. If Saka develops as expected then he’ll move in two or three years when he gets fed up of the spineless mediocrity around him. Unless Arteta can completely purge the entire club of that Arsenal stink, and seeing as how he handed Luiz a new contract I wouldn’t hold out too much hope of that happening. So I said last week that with the title now wrapped up the only thing I was rooting for now was for West Ham to get relegated. That’s not looking likely after the events of this week. Not only did they somehow beat Chelsea, but Bournemouth are just lurching from bad result to even worse result. They got smoked at home to Newcastle. Dwight Gayle got the opener, Sean Longstaff added a second after great play by the lively Saint-Maximin, Almiron added a brilliant third and Lazaro (who’s he?) lashed in a fourth. That Dan Gosling jabroni managed a consolation but this was a proper spanking. Nice Guy Eddie’s side don’t look like they are capable of winning another game. I don’t know what’s happened to them as the one thing they’ve always had is a goal threat, but right now they just look toothless. Mind you, they’re like Burnley in that they can be right streaky bastards. Every season they seem to lose ten on the bounce but then go ten unbeaten and finish somewhere between 11th and 15th. They’re leaving it a bit late this season though and West Ham are benefitting more than anyone. They recorded a surprise victory over Chelsea, the bastards. Willian scored from the spot after Pulisic had been fouled, but Soucek levelled with a header from a corner. Kevin Abraham was on the line and should have cleared it, but he seemed to misjudge the speed of the ball and whiffed at it. Antonio then fired West Ham into the lead but a brilliant free-kick from Willian made it 2-2 and that’s how it looked like finishing until Yarmolenko broke clear on the counter attack in stoppage time and won it for the Hammers. You know what’s one of the worst images in football? Moyes being happy after a win. I’m so used to seeing him looking miserable as fuck that anything else is a real shock to the system and turns my stomach. Such is my desperation for him and the West Ham board to be relegated that I had to check myself from laying into Chelsea after this. They did, after all, beat City last week to clinch the title for us, so any criticism of this would seem a little bit churlish. Still, West Ham?? Really Chelsea? West fucking Ham? Take a long hard look at yourselves, knobheads. Klopp has been telling the press that we won’t be spending any money this summer because of the financial situation. Fair enough, if the club say that the money isn’t there then that’s just how it is. With that in mind though, surely Willian on a free is a no brainer, especially if we offload a few fringe players to cover his wages? United had a comfortable 3-0 win over Brighton to keep the hype train rolling. They’re not as shit as they were but they’re still a million miles away from where they think they are. Still, as long as they think they’re on the right track they’ll keep Solskjaer, which is good. I’m sick of all this fawning about that Fernandez fella though. Even loads of our fans have bought into the hype about him. I keep seeing people going on about how great he is but I’m not buying into it. Just because he’s better than their other midfielders doesn’t make him special. Being an upgrade on Jesse Lingard and Anreas Perreira isn’t difficult. Look, he’s good, I get it. I’m not going to say he’s shit when he clearly isn’t, but let’s not go overboard here. United’s fans will do enough of that themselves, the deluded fucks (the one player they are entitled to go overboard about is Mason Greenwood, who looks like he’s the player people thought Rashford was). Here’s my scouting report on Bruno Fernandez: Shoot on sight merchant. He’s Gylfi Sigurdsson when he was at Swansea. Gets it, shoots. Rinse and repeat. Yeah he looks good now, but so did Sigurdsson for a while. Stop him shooting from outside the box and then let’s see what else “Portuguese Gylfi” has. Speaking of Gylfi, the “Icelandic Bruno Fernandez” scored from the spot as the Blues added to Leicester’s recent woes with a 2-1 win at Goodison. Richarlison *spits on floor* fired Everton ahead and then they were awarded a pen when Ndidi handled in the box. That Iheanacho fuck pulled one back and Leicester piled on the pressure, but despite the best efforts of the comical Pickford to gift them an equaliser the Foxes couldn’t manage it. Since the restart Leicester have been fucking abysmal and the top four spot that once looked nailed on is now under serious threat. That’s pissing me right off to be honest, because if they miss out then either United or Wolves will get in, and I’d much rather Leicester were in there as they’re the lesser of those three evils. In an ideal world they’d regroup and secure a Champions League place and then Wolves would pip Chelsea and United for the other spot, but that ain’t happening is it? Burnley won 1-0 at Palace thanks to a diving header from Ben Mee. Incredibly, they’re level with Spurs, one point behind Arsenal and only two points behind Sheffield United, who up until a week ago were in Champions League contention. This league is mad. I’d like Burnley to finish above Arsenal though. There’d be something quite fitting about that as they’re complete polar opposites. Burnley’s players have to fight and scrape for everything they get. They survive each year on hard work, honesty and effort. They’re the absolute antithesis of Arsenal. Finally, Sheffield United produced arguably the biggest upset of the week by beating Spurs 3-0. They’ve looked terrible since the restart and have lost some key men through injury. Lockdown footy is mad though, results are just too unpredictable and you never know what’s going to happen. Of course it helps when Harry Kane has three goals disallowed! That Sander Berge looked good. He opened the scoring with a nice little turn and finish. Then we had the absolute abortion of a decision to disallow Kane’s equaliser. I’ll expand on it in a sec though. Mousset made it 2-0 from close range and McBurnie added a third following more good work by Berge. I’m not sure I can remember seeing anyone ever being happier about scoring a goal than McBurnie was, especially in an empty stadium. He was giving it fucking loads. Kane did grab a late consolation but Spurs were well beaten in the end. Mourinho didn’t use the disallowed goal as an excuse and said the team weren’t mentally strong enough to recover from it. That may or may not be the case but they shouldn’t have had to recover from it. Look, I don’t give a fuck about Spurs and I’m glad they lost, but I’m genuinely angry about that decision because it just demonstrates that the game is run by complete morons. For anyone who hasn’t seen it, what happened was Moura was running with the ball and was fouled by two defenders. He fell to the ground next to the ball and another defender came in and booted the ball against his arm from about an inch away. The rebound fell to Kane who scored. Not only did they disallow the goal for ‘handball’ but they even forgot to give Spurs the free-kick. It’s not even funny, it’s just an absolute fucking disgrace as this shit could be happening to any of us. The VAR ref was Michael Oliver and he had no choice but to disallow the goal. Common sense isn’t allowed and by the ‘letter of the law’ (hate that expression as it’s just licence for jobsworths to be jobsworths) the goal couldn’t stand. Not giving Spurs the free-kick was just rubbing salt in the open wound and either Oliver or Chris Kavanagh fucked up badly on that aspect of it. This genuinely might be the most ridiculous ‘correct’ decision I’ve ever seen though. The rule is so fucking stupid that technically it was the right call. This wasn’t a mistake. Imagine coming up with a rule that legitimately rules out a goal like that. Whichever smug cunt in a suit came up with that needs to be fired out of a massive cannon and launched into orbit. Or better yet, stick him in a locked room with Moyes and force him to listen to Moyesy discuss all of his ‘achievements’ and why he’s such a winner. That’ll learn him. Twat. Other than Corona virus that attacking handball nonsense has been the worst thing about this season. Worse than VAR even. It’s so bad it actually had me siding with Mourinho and Kane. I wouldn’t have though there was anything on this planet that could do that, but there you go.