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Loads to get through as there’s the weekend game plus a full midweek schedule to cover. Ideally I’d like to just skim through everything else and spend the whole article discussing Everton shitting the bed against Newcastle, but I’m a pro so I’ll resist the temptation and stick to the usual format. So, where to start then? May as well kick things off with the second funniest thing to happen this week. The Etihad. City against Palace. Pep vs Roy. Roy actually coming out of it winning on points. Again. It’s mad how much trouble his Palace team have given City over the last few years. Other than us, they’ve probably done better against City than anyone. Maybe that’s why Roy was so offended when he was asked what he can learn from Guardiola. “How to lose” was his somewhat bizarre, hilarious and completely unwarranted response. I have no idea if he meant to say that or if he was trying to make a different point, but it was fucking funny nonetheless. Only David Moyes has a bigger distance between opinion of ones own abiltity versus actual ability. I’ve been saying it all year. Palace are a bottom six team at best but somehow they keep getting results they shouldn’t and more often than not they look dreadful in doing so. Add this one to the list. Having taken the lead completely against the run of play (through Cenk Tosun no less! Bet that went down brilliantly across the park) they held out for a long time. They even survived the award of a penalty which was then correctly overturned by (Li)VAR(pool). Just as it was beginning to look like they might pull off another shock win, Aguero popped up twice in the final eight minutes. That looked to be that. Except it wasn’t. Deep in stoppage time Zaha escaped down the left, drilled in a low cross and there was Fernandinho to blast it past his own keeper. Too fucking funny. Speaking of funny, that stoppage time winner from Newcastle at home to Chelsea was comedy gold. Not just because Chelsea lost with the last kick of the game. Obviously that’s enough to make anyone smile, but it was what followed that was so hilarious. Hayden scored (look at that Kepa loser trying to keep it out though) and ran to the corner to celebrate. Matt Ritchie followed and - as he’s known to do - booted the corner flag. Except this time the corner flag took off and torpedoed into the crowd, where it hit some baldy arl fella in the bollocks and prevented him from celebrating. It’s a sign of me getting old that my take on this is that while it’s side splittingly funny because it hit him in the nuts - and people getting hit in the nuts is the funniest thing in the world along with farting - I couldn’t help thinking what if it had hit him in the eye? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but “pack that in, Ricthie. You could take someone’s eye out with that”. Yep, I’m now officially old. Newcastle’s players are dropping like flies and they just lost Willens and Dummett for the season. All things considered, they really should be losing every week, but somehow they’re not. It’s kind of funny when you think how the general perception was that Rafa was the only thing standing between Newcastle and the Beezer Homes League (is that still a thing?), but Steve Bruce has come in and got them picking up even more points despite an injury list longer than Joelinton’s goalless streak. Wolves had a great come from behind win at in form Southampton. Jan Bednerek put the Saints ahead with a fine finish and Shane Long headed in to make it 2-0. That was his first goal of the season. It’s one of life’s great mysteries how Long scores so few goals. Some will say it’s because he’s shit, but I rate him, always have, so either I’m wrong or it’s a mystery. In other words, it’s a mystery. I'll never not rate Shane Long just like I'll never rate Dominic Calvert-Lewin. My mind ain't for changing on either. Neto collected a cross from my boy Traore to pull one back and give Wolves hope. Then Jonny was fouled to allow Jimenez to level from the spot. Ralf Hassenhu… Hasselhoo… Hasselhoff wasn’t happy about the decision but fucking hell, that was as blatant as it gets so I don’t know what he was watching there. At this point it could have gone either way as both sides went for it. Redmond hit the bar with a 30 yarder but Traore then escaped to find Jimenez for the winner. Harsh on Southampton but a much needed win for Wolves who had been on a bit of a dodgy run having gotten themselves into top four contention. You know who isn’t in top four contention? Arsenal, that’s who. They’re closer to the bottom three than the top four and they were held at home by Sheffield United on Saturday. Martinelli has got his chance due to Aubamayeng’s suspension and he opened the scoring from close range when he got on the end of a deflected cross by fellow youngster Sako. The Blades pushed hard for an equaliser in the closing stages and eventually forced it when my boy Fleck drilled one into the corner on the half volley. They’re such a tough nut to crack . Sick of Arteta already, dressing like the fucking Milk Tray man in his black polar neck jumper. The Moyes Derby ended honours even as the Blues came from behind to nick a point at West Ham. Diop headed the Hammers into the lead but Calvert-Lewin nodded in an equaliser four minutes later. That’s how it finished and Ancelotti looks bored shitless already. Who can blame him. There was a VAR incident when a West Ham player flicked his head back in the direction of Holgate’s face. The contact was minimal but Holgate sold it like Ric Flair having his head smashed into the corner post. Not like him to use deception to try and get an opponent in trouble. VAR checked and said no red card, which I like to think is purely due to Holgate being a twat, because the West Ham lad should have been sent off. Final point on this one. What the fuck was Pickford doing with that ridiculously over the top save? The ball is straight at the cunt but instead of just gathering it, he swings his little arm and lashes it over the bar before yelling a stream of obscenities at his defenders. Jordan Prickford. See what I did there? His name is Pickford, but he’s a prick, so I changed it to Prickford. That’s what you pay your money for right there, people. Pepe Reina was back with a great save and a bad goal conceded as Villa picked up a valuable point at Brighton. Trossard fired across him to put Brighton in front, but Grealish lashed in a terrific equaliser that Matt Ryan probably ought to have saved. Pepe then made a flying stop late on to preserve a point for his new side. Grealish was brilliant again. This national media obsession about whether Grealish should be in the England squad is laughable. It’s as ludicrous as a ‘debate’ as the Trent v Wan Bissaka thing. Of course he should be in, but somehow he’s behind Lingard, Alli, Maddison and Barkley even though he’s better than all of them. He plays for Villa so that goes against him. If a big club signs him he’ll walk in, not just to the squad but to the starting eleven. Spurs drew 0-0 at Watford and still haven’t scored in 2020. They were lucky not to lose as my boy Troy uncharacteristically missed a pen. Mourinho was crying afterwards about red cards and penalties that weren’t given. There’s always something when he doesn’t win. It’s so transparent. Deflect. Deflect. Deflect. He’s “box office” though so its fine. Norwich got a rare win at home to free-falling Bournemouth, who shot themselves in the foot spectacularly when their captain and most experienced player got himself sent off early on in the most ridiculous of circumstances. To be fair Steve’s Cook’s save was incredible and most keepers would be proud of that. If he’d done it in the last few minutes then I’d be lauding him for it as it’s well worth the risk. But you’re playing Norwich away. It’s the first half. The score is 0-0. If they score then you’ve got loads of time to pull it back. What the fuck are you doing man? Chances are they’d score the pen anyway so where is the benefit to that action? Even if they’d missed the pen it would have been the wrong decision as Bournemouth would have to play the rest of the game a man down. He’s their captain and he’s pulling shit like that. This is one of many reasons I could never be a manager, because if I’m Eddie Howe then I’d have fucking killed him, the irresponsible fuck. At the very least I’d have stripped him of the captaincy on the spot and I’d have slated him publicly. You can’t do that though. Managers need to be able to refrain from that kind of impulsive reaction and I wouldn’t be able to do it. Cook left his team-mates out there to try to clean up a mess he created. And don’t tell me it was ‘instinctive’ because it fucking wasn’t (Nice Guy Eddie of course said it was). It’s instinctive if you’re a goalkeeper, as stretching to tip away a ball going over your head is by it’s very nature your natural instinct (unless you’re Jordan Prickford). It isn’t a natural action of a centre half though, and Cook let his team, the fans and his manager down big time. Pukki smoothly converted the pen and although Bournemouth gave it a go and Norwich were later reduced to ten men themselves when Godfrey was sent off for a late lunge, the Cherries slipped to yet another defeat that has plunged them into further trouble at the bottom. I hope they stay up, but then I hope Norwich stay up too. The Canaries are great to watch (I really like Pukki, Buendia and Aarons, but Cantwell can fuck off as he looks like an Eton educated Jack Grealish) but if they get out of this it would be miraculous. Bournemouth don’t need a miracle, they just need their best players back in the team and to get back to doing what they’re capable of. I’m rooting for them, not least because they’re such a valuable stream of income for the Reds. Onto Sunday and a surprise result at Turf Moor where Burnley came from a goal down to beat Leicester 2-1. Brendan’s boys are in a difficult period at the moment but they’re still way above where they were expected to be. They’re going to lose some games, but this wasn’t one I saw coming because Burnley have been in a dreadful run. Harvey Barnes broke the deadlock with a fine run past Ben Mee and a scruffy finish but Burnley equalised with a trademark Burnley goal - a set-piece that ended with that cart horse Wood scoring from a yard out. Barnes then skinned Mee again and was clearly brought down. The ref gave it, VAR took ages checking it (no idea why as it was blatant) and then Vardy missed. Leicester looked the more likely winners and Pope denied Maddison and Vardy, but with ten minutes to go Westwood smashed home the winner after a weak clearance by Johnny Evans. The midweek games now. I actually watched all of City’s game at Sheffield United because I smelled an upset. For a while it looked on too. City had the better of the chances in the first half but were never really dominant and they couldn’t find a way past Henderson, who was brilliant. He made a stunning save to keep out Sterling, he saved a penalty from Jesus and pulled off another cracker to deny Otamendi. All of those saves were in the first half and after the break not much really happened. It had 0-0 written all over it until that little cunt Aguero came on and did what he does. Of course it was from a De Bruyne ball right across the box too. Feels like that accounts for half of their goals these days. Having De Bruyne is like having Trent Alexander-Arnold in midfield. Laporte was back which should help them tighten up a bit, but they don’t have anyone decent to play alongside him so I doubt it will make THAT much difference. Fernandinho is still having to play at the back, meaning that crab Rodri is filling that defensive midfield spot. Not having him at all. Bang average. One of the TLW lads described him as “a Spanish Eric Dier” which is pretty fucking savage, albeit accurate. Chelsea v Arsenal was way better than I expected it to be. I put the second half of that one on after the City game had finished and it was really enjoyable. Chelsea had led thanks to the usual horror show from the Arsenal centre backs. Mustafi fucked up and Luiz made it worse and got himself sent off while conceding a pen. Normally I’d expect Arsenal to just fold like a cheap tent but they didn’t. In fact, whisper it, they actually showed some bollocks for the first time in years. I was actually mildly impressed with their fight. They dug in and they looked like they wanted it more than Chelsea. Their first goal had a huge element of luck about it as Kante fell over which allowed Martinelli a clear run on goal. He finished it really well though and it was no more than they deserved as they’d been threatening since the start of the second half. They were giving it a right good go but I was convinced it would all end in tears for them, because they're Arsenal. Sure enough, Chelsea made it 2-1 and I was still busy patting myself on the back when Arsenal only went and equalised through Bellerin. They deserved it too. They’re still shit but they aren’t making me irrationally angry anywhere near as much now because at least they’re trying. They’re definitely less cowardly than they have been, but it doesn’t sit right at all when you have Xhaka giving it loads about “see, we do have character so you can all shut the fuck up”. Not his exact words but close enough. Let’s get this straight. Every bit of criticism that has been thrown at Arsenal over recent years, EVERY SINGLE BIT OF IT, has been justified. There’s nothing that has been said that is too harsh because they’ve been a fucking spineless disgrace for years. Now they have one game where they actually show a little something and Xhaka thinks they’re proving their critics wrong. Look at the table you soft cunt. Bournemouth had a HUGE win at home to Brighton. If ever a team needed three points it was them, as the run they’ve had has been fucking horrendous. The fact they were playing a team close to them in the table made it even more vital. Harry Wilson set them on their way with a goal made in Anfield, as Solanke provided the assist. Seven league goals so far for Harry in a struggling side. That’s pretty good going that. If we do sell Shaqiri next season maybe Wilson will get a chance. He’d probably only be a bridge until Harvey Elliott is a bit older, but Wilson has shown enough to suggest he could do a job for us in Shaqiri’s squad role. A Pascal Gross own goal extended Bournemouth’s lead but they needed a stellar performance from their young keeper to preserve their lead. He made three brilliant saves before Callum Wilson made it 3-0. Solanke with the assist again, albeit this one was spawn as fuck. Brighton pulled one back through Aaron ‘formerly my boy’ Mooy and overall they probably deserved a point. They didn’t get it though, and they’ve been dragged right into the shit alongside Bournemouth. Villa did themselves a power of good with a dramatic late home win over Watford. My boy Troy headed Watford into an early lead and milked it for all it was worth in front of the Holte End. Deeney’s disdain for Villa just makes me like him even more. What a guy. Douglas Luiz equalised when he followed up from a Foster save, and Mings won it in stoppage time when he inadvertently got the faintest of touches on a goal bound shot by Konsa. Watford were furious because Mings had somehow earlier managed to stay on the field when he avoided a second booking for a blatant handball. Poor refereeing, but it’s Martin Atkinson so, *shrugs shoulders*. Southampton continued to close the gap on the top five (seriously, they’re only three points back now) with a good win at Palace, who as I keep telling you are dogshit. Nathan Redmond’s screamer set them on their way and Zaha was lucky not to be sent off after he poked Ward-Prowse in the face. There’s history there as Ward-Prowse provoked him into a red card this time last year. Armstrong made it 2-0 straight after the break and Southampton held on comfortably for a fourth successive away win. Redmond does my fucking head in because there are times when he looks like a top player, but then he’ll do nothing for six weeks. That’s why he’s playing for Southampton I suppose, as if he could show his top form every week he’d be playing for a top side. Mind you, the way it’s going Southampton might end up as one of the top clubs this season by default. Three points off fifth place!!! If they’d held on against Wolves at the weekend they’d be level. Madness. Onto Wednesday now. Spurs struggled to a 2-1 win over Norwich and they look utter turd at the moment. All put them ahead, Pukki levelled from the spot and Son won it from close range. Eton Jack Grealish was lucky to stay on after a high lunge. The ref gave him yellow and VAR went with that, but if the ref had sent him off I doubt it would have been overturned. There are legitimate reasons why all the other top clubs have dropped off so much but Spurs generally have the same players they had when they were good. They’re a shadow of what they were and Mourinho isn’t going to change that because it’s not 2006. Leicester saw off West Ham easily enough but they lost Vardy to what looked a pulled arse cheek. Barnes vultured a goal from Ricardo to set them on their way but he then made it up to his full back by setting up the second for him. West Ham were given a lifeline with a really soft pen that I can’t believe was upheld by VAR. Noble buried it, as he almost always does. Leicester were then given an equally soft pen of their own when that Iheanacho cunt went tumbling. That Ayoze Perez loser scored from the spot and then added another late on to wrap it up. I’m happy with this result as I want Leicester to keep the heat on City for second spot as I just think it would be funny if Brendan finished above Guardiola. There’d be no living with him if that happened. I also want West Ham to go down because fuck David Moyes and fuck their Tory owners. I think they will too. The run of games they have coming up is brutal and they’ll be in the bottom three at the end of it. Onto Old Trafford now. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! So much for those strides Ole reckoned United made at Anfield then. A 2-0 home defeat and their worst start in about 30odd years. How the fuck are they fifth?? This is even more mind boggling than when Mourinho got them second. A trademark Burnley goal saw them go ahead at Old Trafford. Mee with the flick on and Wood with the finish. To give the big useless lump some credit, it was a really nice finish. Their second was an absolute belter though, Jay Rodriguez leathering one in the top corner with his left peg. There were plenty of empty seats at Old Trafford, and I don’t just mean in the last ten minutes when it seemed as though 90% of the crowd fucked off. No, there were loads of empty seats even before that, which is not something we’re used to seeing but it’s the way it’s going to be now. For so long they were on top and playing to sell out crowds, but look at them now. All those fucking glory hunters who jumped on the bandwagon when they were winning will all just slowly melt away if this carries on they’ll be playing to crowds of around 50,000 once the tourists stop spending fortunes to go and watch them. And the ones who are still there will be singing non-stop about the Glazers and blaming them for all their woes. The anti-Glazer chants were out in force against Burnley. Hilarious. Whatever happened to those protests back in the day? Oh yeah, they fucked them off because they were winning and Ferguson told them the Glazers were sound. Now things are bad they’re lashing out at the owners again. “Green and Gold, unless we’re good”. Fucking bums. I hope this shit carries on forever. In fact, I hope they get relegated again. With Rashford back heeling the goal that relegates them while wearing a Man City shirt. Cunts. What goes around comes around. All those years of sneering arrogance.... "You've only come to see United" "We're Man United we do what we want" etc etc etc Now look at you, you're fucking pathetic. So I’ve saved the best until last. Tuesday night, Goodison Park. Wow. Just wow. Everton. Fucking hell. Just when you think they couldn’t possibly be any more Everton, they go and out-Everton themselves. That was some top class Evertoning against Newcastle. How is that even possible? Because they’re Everton, that’s why. There’s an image on social media of a TV screen showing the score as Everton 2 Newcastle 0, with 93 minutes played and only four minutes stoppage time having been signalled. The question was asked “how can you explain that Everton did not win this game?”. The answer is simple #evertonarentwe This is the kind of thing they do. They find the most excruciating and embarrassing ways to torture their own fanbase. I’m starting to suspect they’re doing this deliberately now. It’s some kind of social experiment to see how people cope with repeated anguish, heartbreak and humiliation. I mean how else can you explain this: Their official Twitter put that out before the game and then the team go and do that in stoppage time. They were going to have the piss taken out of them anyway after that collapse, but by putting those images out beforehand they’ve made it a hundred times more embarrassing for themselves. I think my personal favourite was this: Although this was also a belter..... They’re fucking nuts. This is like seeing a gang moving towards you menacingly and instead of running away you start handing out baseball bats and knives. I keep saying this, but I had to give up writing piss take articles about them because their reality was funnier than any punchline I could write. This is another classic example of it. I can’t get over it. Who else would do that? The drawings are fucking hilarious but the best one by far is Walcott. Whoever drew that nailed it perfectly. It isn’t even a person, they just drew a big pile of shite. And Everton published it. It’s mind boggling. They must be doing it deliberately. There's no other explanation for it. Newcastle were never in that game at all but somehow scored twice the very depths of stoppage time to steal a point. The fact it was a substitute centre half who scored both goals makes it even funnier, but as if all of that wasn’t enough you then have the clownshow that is Pickford saving the ball a yard behind his own goal line. Let me state this clearly for the record. Jordan Pickford is shit. Genuinely shit. I’m not speaking in relative terms and I don’t just mean he’s over-rated. I mean he’s shit. Proper, 100%, unadulterated shit. He might be the worst goalkeeper in the Premier League now that West Ham have disposed of that Mafia looking fella. It took me a little while to realise this and I freely admit that I thought he was class at Sunderland. My Mackem brother in law loved him (still does actually) and would constantly tell me how promising he was and how great his kicking is and about all these incredible saves he’d make. Chris Kirkland would rave about him too, having worked with him at Preston. I’d watch Match of the Day and see him pulling off loads of saves and I bought into it too. It’s been obvious for a couple of years now though that he’s a complete myth. The eye catching saves are because his positioning is shit and because he seems to feel the need to make every single thing he does look spectacular. The truth is, he’s fucking shit. Some Blues are starting to realise it but loads are still being fooled by the camera saves. In fairness, my eyes were only truly opened when we got Alisson. Some of the things I’m seeing Blues say about Pickford not being the problem are eerily similar to things I’d written about Mignolet. “Not his fault” “He couldn’t have saved that” “He isn’t the problem” “It’s a collective thing”. Sometimes that was true, but the arrival of Alisson has educated me massively on goalkeeping. He rarely has to do any of that acrobatic shit we see from Pickford because his positioning and reading of the game is so good he’s usually one step ahead and can make everything look easy. In his last couple of seasons here Mignolet hardly made any mistakes to be fair to him, but he didn’t make many saves either. Goals would go in and you’d think “he had no chance of saving that”. Those goals aren’t going in now though, even though Alisson isn’t necessarily having to make great saves to prevent them. That’s what makes him great. Pickford is now just a walking meme. A laughing stock. He’s Phil Jones with goalie gloves. Just like Jones, virtually every time he plays he’s trending on Twitter and it’s rarely for anything good. He’s continually being mocked and it’s going to kill his career, just like it did Jones’. To top everything off Ancelotti revealed afterwards that he told the players that losing leads happens and that he was once 3-0 up in a Champions League Final and didn’t win. Yeah, that’ll make them feel better, Carlo. The old ‘remember Istanbul’ never fails to cheer Evertonians up. Like I say, this has to be deliberate, surely?