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Saturday Jul 6: The lads are back in training which means one thing. Milner killing everyone in the lactate test. He’s great isn’t he? Oldest fella there and no-one can stay with him. Joe Gomez was the closest but Milner burned him off on the last lap. It's a little frustrating that half the squad are always away when he does it though, as I'd love to see him and Hendo go head to head on this. I reckon Sadio would be a monster too, as he never seems to get tired. That wasn’t the only video I saw of players running today though. One popped up on my twitter timeline of Pogba running through Central Park. He had someone video it for him so he could post on his social media accounts. He was wearing a shirt with his name on the back too, just on the off chance that someone in New York actually know who he is. What an attention seeking alert he is. His team-mates are doing their pre-season work back in Manchester but he’s spending the week in the US doing some stuff for Adidas. Imagine him trying to pull that shit when Ferguson was in charge. That club is a fucking mess right now and I love it. Also, this was the most running we’ll see Pogba do all season. Egypt are out of AFCON. Mo was devastated but from a selfish point of view it means he’s back a week early. Get some rest Egyptian King, and let’s fucking take City’s crown off them. Over at the Copa America, Messi was sent off in one of the most scandalous decisions I’ve ever seen. He was repeatedly barged and shoved and provoked by Gary Medel, and he didn’t react and didn’t hurl himself to the floor. He just stood there. And he got sent off. Defo some payback by the ref after Messi went public about the officials screwing them over against Brazil. Such a bad decision this one though, I’m genuinely angry about it even though I don’t have a horse in this race. How can a decision like that happen when they have VAR? You know what, just fuck it off completely as we’re still getting as many shit decisions as ever, it’s just that it takes longer to make them. The England women’s team lost their third / fourth placed play off match. Presumably this means MBE’s for Phil Neville and Ellen White? I know it sounds ridiculous, but if Southgate and Kane got them for the exact same achievement then how is this any different? Sunday Jul 7: Megan Rapinoe isn’t happy that the Women’s World Cup final is being played on the same day as two other finals and thinks FIFA got it wrong. I got three words for ya. Wah. Wah. Wah. Didn’t hear the South Americans whining that the Copa America was being held on the same day as a World Cup Final. Brazil won that so congrats to Bobby and Alisson. Quite the summer for them lads. Sadio might be adding to his silverware collection too as Senegal are still going strong and he’s currently the top scorer in the competition. I wonder how many of our lads are going to be in contention for the Balon d’or? Alisson will get some attention now and Mané might if Senegal win. Messi’s stock has fallen these past couple of months too. It’s gonna be Big Virg, isn’t it? Meanwhile, there was another cup final today that went under the radar somewhat. No, I’m not talking about the US Men’s team losing the Gold Cup to Mexico (although that did go under the radar in America, as they only cares about winners). No, the final I’m talking about is the SportPesa Cup. A trophy invented by Everton so they could win something. The trophy even looks like old big ears. You’ve almost got to admire that brazenness of it all. Only problem is they forgot one thing. Winning the game. They lost to Kariobangi Sharks, a team from Kenya. I’m not sure what the level would be over here but I’m guessing the standard is going to be sixth or seventh tier at best. It finished 1-1 and they lost on pens. In fairness, it was mostly a team of kids but even so, it’s still funny as fuck. Theo Walcott played though and had the same kind of impact he usually has in the Premier League. He’s the most pointless player in football. I actually hate him even though there is no reason for it. I hate how pointless he is and that he was a better player when he was 18 than he is now. Utter waste of fucking space. This kind of shit could only happen to Everton though. The Kenyan lads were doing daft celebrations after each pen too, it was just incredibly funny. The keeper even scored the winning pen just to add to the amusement of it all. This is exactly why I no longer write about them in any great depth. Their reality is funnier than any punchline I can come up with. I used to be boss at that too. Taking the piss out of the Blues was arguably my greatest strength in life. Then they robbed me of it by continually beating me at my own game. As a sidenote, when I searched for the highlights of this so I could watch the shoot out, I came across their official channel and I noticed they only had 128k subscribers. To their official fucking youtube channel! For context, ours has 2.6m. How does an established PL team only have 128k subscribers? Come on people, help them out, they’re worth following for the comedy aspect alone. In other news, Shaq is going to be out for a while with a torn calf picked up when he was with the Swiss. Ok, this seems odd to me. Have you seen Shaq's calves? How the fuck do you tear one of those things? Do the Swiss have one of those machines from the new Stranger Things that the Russians are using to tear a hole into the 'upside down'? Monday Jul 8: Harvey Elliot from Fulham will become our second signing of the summer. He’s the youngest player to ever appear in the Premier League, which doesn’t necessarily mean anything as the previous record holder was also from Fulham and I’ve never heard of him since. Seem to remember I took an instant dislike to that lad as he had his name on his boots or something. This kid isn’t off to a great start either with that man bun thing. He needs to sort that shit out pronto. You’re playing for the European Champs now, son. Can’t be looking like you work in an Apple store in Soho. It’s an interesting strategy we appear to be going with this summer though. We’re in a position where we could land virtually anyone we wanted but we’re stocking up on young talent instead. We’ve arguably got the best team in the world right now, so maybe we’re trying to build the best team of the future too? I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing focussing on the future rather than the present, as in some respects it makes a lot of sense. We don’t need much so we’re in the rare position of not really having to worry too much about the present, and we can concentrate on the future. It’s a delicate balance though. Update: Ok so it turns out the kid is a lifelong Red and when he was 11 he sent a tweet to Suarez saying “hope you stay Luis”. And just like that, I’m all in. That proper tugged at my heart strings that, as I almost did the same thing even though I was… *counts backwards from 46* … 41. He can even keep the man bun, I’m not arsed anymore. I love this kid. Tuesday Jul 9: There was a brilliant interview with Fabinho from some Brazilian podcast this week. I saw some of it translated and it was just full of great nuggets. The best was probably him revealing that Klopp came up to him when he was in an ice bath in the Nou Camp and said to him “Gini says we’re going through next week. What do you think?” Fabinho goes “I am sure of it” and Klopp says “That makes three of us”. How fucking cool is that? He'd also said to Fabinho when the draw was made that "Anfield will swallow them up". Another good bit was him revealing that the two players who really went out of their way to help him settle were Hendo and Milner, which surprised him because they are all competing for a place in midfield and are technically rivals. That’s Hendo and Milner though. Fucking great lads. Another little titbit was that Bobby is the only player to dispossess Virgil in training, and it happened only once. Saw Klopp on LFC TV today talking about the Brazilian lads winning Copa America. He sent them messages but still hadn’t had anything back from Alisson. He said Bobby was “quite chatty” and kept sending him videos and voice messages all through the night! Interestingly, Coutinho was in them too, presumably singing Bryan Adams’ “Please Forgive Me”. It made me laugh though thinking about Bobby just being all hyper and up all night. Bet those videos he sent resembled Spud’s job interview in Trainspotting after he’d taken a shitload of speed. In other news today, some cunt has stolen Studge’s dog. Horrible that. It’s bad enough breaking into a person’s home to steal anything, but when you walk out with their fucking dog?? I’d give them the chair for that. Not even joking, I would. Sturridge is saying he’ll pay anything to get it back and hopefully it works out for him. If it doesn’t though, if I was him I’d be paying whatever it takes to have the cunts found and ‘taken care of’. Wednesday Jul 10: New deal for Divock. Not exactly a surprise as we knew it was on the table and comments he made when he reported back suggested he was planning on being here a while. My overwhelming emotion is happiness for him, but there is a tinge of something lurking in the background. It’s hard to quantify exactly what it is, but I suppose I’d best describe it as mild concern and a feeling that we might be failing to take advantage of a huge opportunity. I don’t like even thinking this, let alone admitting it to all of you, but it’s almost as though Divock’s heroics this year are now in danger of harming us moving forward. It sounds ungrateful as fuck but I don't mean it to be. I'll always love him for what he did last season. Him earning a new deal has thrown an unexpected spanner in the works though. A few months ago the plan was surely to move on Sturridge and Origi, promote Brewster and sign another top quality front player (presumably a wide forward like Salah and Mane). If that was the plan, it had to be scrsapped because how could we not keep Divock after what he did? if Origi has been promised a big role this year (which apparently he has) and Brewster has too, then we’re not signing another forward, are we? I mean, how can we? Not without Klopp going back on his word to those two, and if there’s one manager out there who wouldn’t do that then it’s him. The dream would have been to bring in someone at the same level or better than the three we have. Origi isn’t at that level and nor is Brewster (not yet, in the future he might). Our current status means we can get pretty much whoever we want as we’re the hottest ticket in town. I feel as though we should take advantage of that, but I also see Klopp’s logic of not wanting to upset the balance he’s created. Maybe there’s even an element of holding back funds in case Mbappe became available? Unlikely I know, but perhaps Klopp wants to ensure that if something happened there then we would be in a position to act? Imagine if January comes and Mbappe wants out of Paris but we can’t do anything because we signed someone for £50m this summer just to add a bit of depth. I’m clutching at straws, I know, but you never know. Ultimately, I’ll just accept whatever Jurgen chooses to do, because if we can’t trust his judgement now then that says more about us than him. Who knows, he might still surprise us and pull something out of the bag (I’m still hoping we bring Coutinho back). Trying to improve on a team that bagged 97 points and a European Cup is proper "rich people problems" though. Compare that with that’s going on at Old Trafford. United are making a big thing about how the lad from Swansea is smashing everyone in their fitness tests in pre-season. It’s being spun as a “look how exciting our new lad is” when surely the real issue here is that a kid from the Championship has come in and shown up just how unfit the rest of their squad is. The latest is that they want Lukaku to stay and he’s said “fuck that, I want to join Inter”. Says it all when you’re losing players to any Serie A side that isn’t Juve. The gap between us and them hasn’t been this wide since the eighties. Well it has, but I mean in our favour, not theirs. Studge got his dog back, so alls well that ends well. Happy for him, but spare a thought for the millions (and apparently it is millions) who have their dogs nicked and don’t have the cash or social media presence to be able to do what Sturridge did and who never see their dogs again. This fucking world, it’s a genuinely vile place. Thursday Jul 11: Good start to pre-season as the lads beat Tranmere 6-0. Impressive considering how many kids were involved. Klopp mixed it up nicely and the two teams that played each half had a nice balance of youth and experience. Big Div scored the goal of the game and was mobbed on the pitch at full time (it’s boss how he’s suddenly become this massive hero!) while Brewster bagged a couple and looked really good. That’s encouraging as it looks like we’re going to need them both this year, especially as two of the front three are still on holiday and the third is still fucking playing. Depending on how long Shaq is going to be out, maybe we need to keep either Wilson or Kent until January? Wilson would be my choice but I’d let them battle it out in pre-season and see who comes out on top. If we don’t sign anyone, I think one of them might have to stay. The problem is we can get good money for both of them right now and their value might be at it’s highest after what they each did last year. Villa are meant to be lining up a £30m bid for Wilson. That’s going to be tough to turn down. As for the rest, Yasser Larouci was really lively at left back in the first half, and Lewis looked impressive there in the second. I like both of them, although they are vastly different types of full backs. I don’t think we need to sign a back up for Robbo because Milner can hold the fort for another year until either of these lads are ready. And if they don’t make it, then look at signing someone next summer. Hoever could probably play there too if needed. He’s fucking brilliant that kid. He’s not only going to make it into the squad, he’s going to be a star. Everything he did tonight screamed out ‘class’. I know it’s only Tranmere, but I’m not judging him on that. It’s just the way he carries himself and the confidence he has on the ball. Sometimes you can just tell when someone has got it, and this lad has defo got it. I’ll go on record here and now and say he’ll get a minimum of 15 games this year rotating with Trent at right back, which means we may as well let Clyne leave as he’s just not needed. I like Clyne, always have. But his presence in the squad now is just pointless when we’ve got Hoever coming through. Nice for Duncan to get himself a goal too. It’s going to be interesting to see how Neil Critchley sets up his forward line in the u23s this season, as neither Duncan nor Glatzel look comfortable playing the wide roles in the 4-3-3, and he might have Brewster semi regularly available for selection too. They might actually be worth watching again for the first time in a couple of years. Bit of a surreal moment on commentary when McAteer described Achterburg as having a walk like “a spacker”. Still, it wasn’t even the worst thing to be heard. That would be when the pitch side microphones picked up a kid screaming “get you you faggot” at Paul Glatzel. I’d like to think he was sat with his mates and not a parent, but these days nothing would surprise me. Friday Jul 12: Big Virg is at Wimbledon, and so is Trent. looking like a Wall Street banker on his day off with a sweater draped over his shoulders. He looked like something from Made in Chelsea, not a scouse kid from West Derby! Have to make the effort for Wimbledon though as they don't allow any riff raff in there, the Tory bastards. As for Virg, I’m fairly sure that if he’d entered the men’s singles he’d have reached the quarters without breaking sweat. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not beating Federer, Nadal or Djokovic, but I bet he could take all the others. Meanwhile, interesting goings on in Spain, where Barca signed Griezemann and were immediately reported by Atletico who reckon they are owed an extra £80m on the fee. Barca are still being linked with Neymar too, but the latest reports suggest there is no cash involved and they’ve offered PSG a choice of three of four players, one of which is Coutinho. This makes sense, because they’ve not got the money for Neymar and they also need to get their wage bill down by offloading players. Phil apparently isn’t interested in a move to Paris though. If the rumours are true and he wants to come back, he needs to turn down any moves that Barca try and set him up with and tell them he only wants to come back here. He actually holds all the cards in this situation because they want rid at all costs (they’ve given Griezemann his shirt number, the disrespectful twats) but they can’t afford for him to stay because of his wages. If Michael Edwards plays this right he could get him back on a cut price deal or even a loan just so they can get his wages off the books. and that was the week that was....