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Saturday Jun 29: Uruguay are out of the Copa America after losing on pens to Peru. The decisive penalty miss was from Suarez. Not been a good couple of months for him has it? In fact, I can pinpoint the exact moment it all started to go wrong for him. It was when Messi scored that free-kick and Suarez ran over and laughed in Robbo’s face. Ever since then, karma has been beating him like a red headed stepson. A lesson to be learned there. Don’t fuck with the best, coz the best don’t mess. I saw Paddy Berger posted a message today saying “Happy Birthday to the love of my life”. My first thought was, “Ah, it’s Vladi’s birthday?” Turns out he meant his wife. He posted a pic too, and it might be the first pic I’ve seen where Vladi wasn’t in it with him. I love how those two are though, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside every time I see Paddy and Vladi together, still best mates after all these years. It’s actually reached a point where I get worried when Paddy posts a picture and Vladi isn’t with him. “No Vladi? I hope he’s alright. What if they’ve had a falling out? Ok, Paddy, WHERE THE FUCK IS VLADI?!?!?” Mock me if you like, but I challenge you to look at this picture without smiling though. Meanwhile, Rafa Camacho signed for Sporting and says it was always his dream to play in their first team. That would be why he left them to join Man City, and then chose to sign for us rather than go back there then. Righto. Good luck to him though, I hope he does well there because we’ve got a sell on clause and a buy back option. Here’s a thought, if we exercise the buy back do we still get a percentage of the fee? It’s Michael Edwards, master negotiator, so probably. If there’s any flies on him, they’re paying fucking rent. Sunday Jun 30: Alexander Doni (remember him?) reveals he was the one who first brought Alisson to our attention a few years ago. “When I saw him play, I immediately recommended him to John (Achterburg) and tried to get him signed. I explained to John that he was a very skilful player and that he would soon play for the national team. The first time I saw him playing for Inter, I knew he had what it takes to succeed in the Premier League.” I liked Doni, I reckon he was probably the best back up keeper we ever signed. He had a good pedigree and that one game he played (at Blackburn I think?) he looked really good. He could have pushed for the number one spot if he hadn’t developed that heart condition. We then replaced him with Brad Jones, the worst keeper I’ve ever seen play for us (aside from that Itandje prick). I’ll never forget that game at Old Trafford when Jones dived the wrong way for all three United goals. Incredible scenes. Not as incredible as him getting Feyenoord’s Player of the Year. I can only assume that was an elaborate wind up of some sort. On the transfer front today, Bobby Duncan is reportedly wanted by Benfica and Porto. Really? This seems unlikely to me, as one thing Portuguese clubs have little trouble with is finding their own talented youngsters, and if they can’t produce them in house they go shopping in Brazil. I find it hard to believe they’ve been scouting down in Kirkby and have set their sights on Bobby somehow. Regardless, he isn’t going anywhere. In more wild speculation, Klopp is apparently ‘open’ to a re-union with Coutinho. So say Le10 sport anyway, whoever the hell they are. The Reds were supposedly impressed by him denouncing a move to United. I’m not sure I believe that, but even if it’s true it’s hardly enough reason for Klopp to think “you know what, he’s pissed the mancs off so let’s go and get him back”. I’d love it if it was (other than Mbappe no signing would make me happier than bringing O Magico back), but that’s not how these things work. Also today, Arsenal offered £40m for Zaha. I mean really? This is Suarez all over again, only without the extra pound. Palace will want double that, and even then they might not sell because the clown show have already given them £50m for their right back. Haha is fucking boss, but the problem is he’s worth a lot more to Palace than what people would see his market value as. How much would you say he’s worth? £60m maybe? £70m at an absolute push given how mad the market is now. What would Palace rather have though, Zaha or £70m? He’s worth £100m to them easily, as he might be the difference between staying up and going down. One club that doesn’t have to worry about transfer fees is Juve, who today signed Rabiot on a free. Of course they did. They’re such bad scabby bastards aren’t they? No-one loves a freebie more than Juve and they seem to be obsessed with collecting centre mids as well. They’ve almost got as many as we have. Some sad news to report now. Hendo has got a big tattoo of Big Ears on his thigh. I don’t like this at all. I’m not a tattoo fan as you probably know, but they’re fine on certain people. Skrtel and Agger could pull it off and actually looked quite cool. Hendo shouldn’t be doing this shit though as it looks completely out of place on him. He’s from the same school as Carra, Stevie and Milner. No tatts on those lads. Hendo has let himself down there. Monday Jul 1: United are paying Rashford 300k a week!!! Hahahahaha it’s a fucking clown show over there. He’s not even that good and he’s arguably no better now than he was when he first got into the team and people were talking him up like he’s the next Michael Owen. He might develop into a top player or he might follow the tried and trusted United Academy graduate route and end up at Everton or Sunderland. Giving him 300k a week because he played hardball is fucking pitiful though. They’ve got no idea what they’re doing anymore and it’s fucking boss. Guardiola went on Spanish telly today and spoke about the magic of Anfield. Loads of our fans are buzzing off it, but I couldn’t really give two shits what he thinks. I do find this hilarious though simply because his own press office will be fucking livid with him. So many people at that club hate us that this is really going to stick in their throats. Here are some of the best bits: “The motto “this is Anfield” is no marketing spin. There’s something about it you will find in no other stadium in the world”. “They score a goal and over the next five minutes you feel that you’ll receive another four”. “You feel small and the rival players seem to be all over”. “We’ve all been through what Barca went through. They were laughing at me when we were losing 3-0 after the first 15-20 minutes of the quarterfinal. It’s a bugger of a ground”. Not sure where that ‘bugger’ came from. Do the Spanish have a word that means ‘bugger’ or is the interpreter applying a little creative license? Also today, I played 18 holes at Royal Birkdale. Me!! At Royal Birkdale!! How mad is that. I usually play at Royal Bootle or Kirkby National so I couldn’t have been any more out of my comfort zone today. Commoners like me aren’t normally supposed to be in that environment, but my regular golf buddy has a relative who’s a member there and we got to play for £25. It was boss. I stood on the first waiting to tee off, and the starter comes over and wishes me luck. I was like Del Boy when he walked into that yuppy wine bar. “Now this is a bit of me!”. I’ve been there a couple of times before to watch the Open but I’ve never played it and never expected that I would. I kept looking around and thinking stuff like “Tiger Woods has stood on this tea”, “this is where Justin Rose chipped in from” or “this is where Tom Watson made a twat out of me at the 1991 Open” (long story). I got a bit emotional too when I reached the spot where I met my hero Payne Stewart and got his autograph. I got even more emotional when it reminded me that my mum accidentally threw it out and it was lost to me forever. It was windy as shit though. It reminded me of a game I watched at the Academy when the keeper took a goal kick, it reached half way and then blew back and went out for a corner. I thought I was going to have to dodge out the way of one of my drives at one point, but thankfully it stopped about 80 yards away. I shot 92, which would normally be a disappointing score for me, but not today. I’m on cloud nine. That’s one thing off the bucket list. Now I just need to swim with sharks, score at the Kop end and throw a touchdown for the Bears and I can die a happy man. Tuesday Jul 2: CHINA BUYS RAFA!! Hahaha fucking hell, this has tickled me. All those Newcastle fans who spent months pleading with him to stay and blaming Ashley for not doing enough to keep him, and now suddenly it all makes sense. Short of matching whatever crazy offer the Chinese are giving him (tripling his wages apparently), I doubt there’s anything Ashley could have done to get Rafa to stay. Good luck to him though, he’s managed big clubs in the biggest leagues for decades so if he wants to take the cash for a couple of years in China that’s fair enough. He’s earned the right to do it. Like Rooney going over to MLS. He’s near the end of his career so if he wants one last big payday who can begrudge him that? Not sure there’ll be enough boardroom aggro to keep him happy though, so I can see him back over here by the new year. Also today, that women’s World Cup game was a hard fucking watch. It was a tight game and could have gone either way but of course England found a way to lose in heartbreaking fashion. That penalty miss was just cruel, poor Steph Houghton. As if she’s not dealing with enough already with her husband Stephen Darby’s terminal illness. I was gutted for her, although I’d argue that the presence of that shitty brass band probably means England deserved to lose. Stick to ruining the mens games, you sad bastards. Why the fuck didn’t the Harry Kane lookalike up front take the pen though? She’s scored six goals already, take some responsibility, don’t leave it to your centre back just because she’s the captain. Fuck that US team though. The choreographed celebrations when they were putting 13 past some no hopers in the first game was bad enough, but the lack of remorse and humility afterwards was even worse. That Alex Morgan can fuck off with her ‘tea sipping’ celebration too. Yeah dead funny that, really original. She came out with some bullshit explanation about it being a reference to a tweet by a Game of Thrones actress, but it was clearly either a reference to the whole ‘Boston Tea Party’ thing or just a typically lame American stereotype about 'the Brits'. My guess would be the latter but the US press certainly seized on the angle of the former. Many of their headlines were worthy of the shitty jingoistic tabloids we have over here. The official account for the team even said something about ‘doing the 13 colonies proud’. Really? Fucking hell, cringe. Those buzzing off what Morgan did are just as bad as the ‘Ingerlund’ bell ends over here singing about German bombers and obsessing about world wars. Patriotism is an ugly thing for the most part and England and the US are right up there with the absolute fucking worst. What Morgan did is the equivalent of an England player scoring against Germany and doing the Basil Fawlty walk. I’ve seen loads dismissing it as being nothing and having a go at people for being offended. Generally they seem to be people like me who don’t give a fuck about being ‘English’. It’s missing the point though. Are people actually ‘offended’ or do they just think it was a dick move that shouldn’t be shrugged off? Anyone who is genuinely offended has much bigger problems in their life than this, but that doesn’t make what Morgan did acceptable. I'm not offended (I don't even drink fucking tea!) and it takes a lot for me to actually side with 'the English' over anything. It's not even really siding with the English, it's just calling a spade a spade. Twattish behaviour that was. And has an American ever done an impression of the English that didn’t involve trying to talk like the queen and making a reference about drinking tea?. So fucking lame. They’re like Brummies with their Harry Enfield Scouser impressions. Get some new material, you dicks. I’m only surprised she didn’t justify it with “it’s just banter”. The question shouldn’t be was it offensive or not, it should be why was she doing it at all, and there is only one answer to that; it was to take the piss out of the opposition. Just enjoy your goal and don’t be an unfunny try hard cunt. Megan Rapinoe obviously had her say too, responding with “wah wah wah” to anyone who didn’t like it. Fuck her too. Team USA - the Man City of women’s international footy. They’ll play either Holland or Sweden in Sunday’s final. If it’s the Dutch, Morgan can use the same celebration, as ‘sipping tea’ also doubles as having a toke. And if it’s the Swedes? At least she’s still got a few days to work on her “assembling an Ikea flat pack” mime. Meanwhile, Brazil are in the Copa America final after beating Argentina 2-0. Bobby scored one and made one. Made up for him. He also megged an Argie player, who flattened him and then threatened to break his jaw. When the ref intervened, the Argie lad doubled down on it and was explaining to the ref that he was gonna break Bobby’s jaw! I love Brazil / Argentina beef, it’s the best rivalry in international footy along with Germany / Holland. The last time Alisson conceded a goal I still had brown hair. Messi produced a carbon copy of the free-kick he scored against us at Camp Nou but this time Alisson knew it was coming and casually just plucked it out of the top corner. It helped that this one didn’t deflect off the shoulder of Joe Gomez. Messi may as well not have bothered going back on that decision to retire from internationals. I feel bad for him to be honest, as every time he doesn’t win a tournament all the Ronaldo fanboys are running around with their little cocks out talking about the “GOAT”. Let's get the right. Ronaldo is not a better footballer than Messi. He just isn’t. It’s not even worthy of discussion. There’s no comparison. He will end up with the more impressive career statistically, but in terms of who is the better footballer this shouldn't even be a discussion. Messi is on a different planet to anybody who has ever played the game with the exception of Maradona. Ronaldo is an exceptional talent with an unparalleled dedication and single mindedness to being great. He’s made himself what he is and he deserves massive credit for it, despite him being a massive tit. He’s one of the greatest players of all time, a ruthless goalscoring machine and a serial winner. But don’t be telling me that him winning stuff with Portugal makes him a better player than Messi. That’s like arguing that Nicky Butt is better than Stevie because he won more titles. Have you seen Messi’s supporting cast with Argentina? It’s fucking GARBAGE. Portugal aren’t full of superstars either, but all I’m saying is if you put Ronaldo in that Argie team they still wouldn’t win shit. And let's not forger that Portugal actually won a final without Ronaldo. I’m getting fed up of seeing hot takes about Messi not being all that (the word 'fraud' is actually being thrown around by some) because ‘he’ lost 4-0 at Anfield and because Argentina are shit. Messi was actually sensational in that game at Anfield. We’ve played against Ronaldo loads of times and although you’ve always got to be concerned about him, he’s never really scared me (Lovren had him in his pocket in the final last year and I’m not even joking). With Messi though, every time he got the ball my arse went. He’s incredible. Wednesday Jul 3: Fuck me, that Ayoze Perez loser is on the verge of joining Leicester for £30m. Brendan has gone full Brendan on this one. Bet Michael Edwards is sitting back laughing his cock off. He’ll be texting Henry and Werner and saying “He’s still at it. Told you those all those shit ones weren’t on me lolz”. It’s another kick in the balls for the Newcastle fans though. I’m almost beginning to feel bad for them. Almost. So I read today that the guy who created the FFP rules for UEFA is now head of finance at Man City. They headhunted him. Can’t think why. I mean, it’s almost like they’re looking for loopholes or something. Shower of cheating cunts. Hopefully they get what’s coming to them one day. Seen the above pic of Ox on his instagram. The old 'ecru' away jersey eh? I love all that, I always remember Djibril Cisse being pictured getting out of his hummer in town and he was rocking a silver 80s away jersey. Not the knock off, no brand name one the club sell, but the real thing (he must have got on eBay or something, which makes it even more endearing). Ox wasn’t wearing an original, but it’s still class that he’s on his hols and he’s wearing retro Liverpool shirts. Mind you, the last time this happened was Coutinho when he went back to Brazil and took a load of shirts for his mates. They were all playing five a side in them and then a few weeks later he was on strike trying to force his way out. Had to laugh today at a tweet by Ryan Babel in reply to an article that claimed Rafa hadn’t gone to China for the money. He just said “lol”. I saw it and thought “uh-oh, I daren’t look at the replies”. Sure enough, ‘the Rafia’ came after him. You know the sort, those Reds who just can’t sit by and let any perceived sleight against him go unanswered. They must have some kind of bat signal that goes off above their house any time someone takes a shot at him. It's proper weird. Is there anyone who genuinely thinks Rafa hasn’t gone to China for the cash? He shouldn’t be criticised for it but equally nobody should be feeling the need to make excuses on his behalf either. Like I said yesterday, he’s earned the right to take that massive payday so good luck to him. Babel didn’t even criticise the decision, he just mocked the ludicrous notion that it wasn’t about money. Thursday Jul 4: Lampard is officially named as Chelsea boss. Presumably they’re already planning their next move for when this goes tits up. It’s a smart appointment though. No top manager is going to touch them with a transfer ban in place and having sold their best player, but by bringing in someone who the fans love they’re buying themselves a bit of time and goodwill. It’s not going to end well for Lampard, but if he brings through a few of their talented kids then Chelsea might do well out of it a couple of years down the line. I’m all for this ‘top clubs giving former fan favourites the manager’s jobs though’. Quite like the idea of ‘Merse’ taking over at Arsenal and City bringing in Shaun Goater to replace Pep when he fucks off after the FFP punishments are laid down. Speaking of FFP. Atletico Madrid have just signed 19 year old Joao Felix from Benfica for, wait for it, £113m. There has to be something dodgy about that, surely? Genuinely blown away by that. He’s meant to be boss and all the top clubs have been looking at him, but who pays that kind of money for a relatively unproven teenager? Footy is off it’s fucking head at the moment. Friday Jul 5: Lots of talk today that Barca are getting Neymar and Griezemann, and that would spell curtains for a certain goofy Uruguayan. Firstly, I reckon it’s bollocks. They might get one of them, but I don’t see any way they get both, not when they’ve got a dilapidated stadium to pay for. Camp Nou is just like a giant Goodison these days. Hypothetically though, if they were looking to offload Suarez, what an opportunity that is for us. He’s not quite the player he was when he left but he’d still be fucking phenomenal as that fourth match winner we need. He could rotate with the front three and play any of those roles. Would it upset the harmony of the squad? Possibly but I doubt it, as he’s always been a great team-mate who was liked by everyone. No reason he couldn’t slot right into that little South American crew with the Brazilians. Obviously my judgement is a little clouded here as I’d say he’s the best player I’ve ever seen for us, but it’s not even about that. If he had never even played for us and a player like him came on the market I’d be all over it because he’s exactly what we need. An experienced pro, world class quality and still got a few years left in the tank. He’d provide a lot of the things Milner brings, although I wouldn’t compare the two directly as it would be insulting to Big Games James, who has always kept his nose clean and doesn’t have the kind of baggage Suarez brings. In short though, I’d be all over this because we’re not in a desperate situation where we’d be looking to bring him in as the saviour. He'd be a nice little piece to the puzzle, not the entire fucking jigsaw as he was in the past. It would need to be on our terms and he’d need to buy in. I feel as though it’s all moot anyway as the likelihood of all of those bricks falling into place is virtually non-existent, but there’s not much else going on today so I’m just spitballing. I actually think I might be in the minority on this one though, mainly because loads of you are fucking mental and can really hold a grudge! and that was the week that was…

Last but not least in this series of report cards, we come to Virgil Van Dijk. I saved the best until last. And he was the best. The best at Liverpool. The best in the Premier League. The best in the Champions League. Basically, he’s just the best. Not just the best defender either. Over the past year he’s probably been the most dominant player in the world. He may or may not be rewarded for that form with a Balon d’or, but it doesn’t really change anything if he misses out. He's the fucking man. It’s always going to be more difficult for defenders to win individual honours, especially when Lionel Messi is around. It’s difficult comparing them too, because they do completely different jobs. Messi is the best ‘footballer’ in the world (perhaps the best to ever) but currently Van Dijk might just be the best ‘player’, if that makes sense? Look at it this way. Was anyone better in their respective position this season than Virgil? Could he (or any defender) have done any better than he did in 2018/19? How could he have improved on what he did? Other than scoring more goals I'm not sure it's possible. Virgil should score more goals but he did alright and is getting better all the time. Defensively though, he was as close to flawless as you’re likely to see. We’ve had some great centre halves at Liverpool. Truly great ones. None have been like this guy though. With the other greats, there was always something that you could say they weren’t the best at. Sami Hyypia wasn’t the quickest, Carra wasn’t either and he was also a little undersized for what you’d ideally want in a centre back. Alan Hansen wasn’t the most physical, neither was Lawro. All were world class, but none were what you could call the complete package. Virgil though? There isn’t one weakness there. He’s great at everything. There is no part of his game that you think ‘he needs to work on that’ as he’s just fantastic at everything. He’ll out run you. He’ll outjump you. He’ll outthink you. He’ll outplay you. If necessary, he’ll outfight you. He can run like Usain Bolt, jump like Michael Jordan, read the game like Franco Baresi and pass like Xabi Alonso. He’s ridiculous. He actually beat Adama Traore in a race down the touchline at Wolves. He also dominated aerially against every striker he faced and as we know, no-one was able to dribble past him. He makes it look so easy that sometimes it’s taken for granted just how well he’s played. Because he’s rarely having to make last ditch challenges and blocks, and he’s hardly ever at full stretch, it looks like he’s not had much to do. There’s a reason it looks like he hasn’t had much to do though. It’s because it’s easy for him and very few players can actually make him work for his money. One of the biggest differences he’s brought to our game is something that largely goes un-noticed. When the opposition try to put a ball over the top or just try to knock it long and play for second balls, we’ve had problems with that in the past. Defenders would be at full stretch and would often only be able to clear it straight to the opposition and allow them to mount attacks, or at the very least get up the field and relieve the pressure from themselves. Now? It just doesn’t happen, because Virgil doesn’t just win those balls, he knocks them down to his own team-mates and allows us to keep up the pressure. He does it constantly, and because he does it so easily it’s barely even mentioned. I see it all the time though and just marvel at the difference he’s made. There’ll be a difficult looking ball played down the channel that has him turned around, and he’ll just rise like a salmon and knock it down perfectly into the path of Robertson, or he’ll bring it down on his mighty chest and roll it to Fabinho to get us going again. It’s only a little thing but it makes a huge difference. Much is made of the “never been dribbled past” stat and while it’s importance is probably a little over-stated, it’s cool as fuck and it’s causing some serious fume from opposition fans, specifically the Blues and City (who are effectively one and the same these days anyway). When you look at the list of names Virgil has come up against over the past year, it’s remarkable that none have managed to dribble past him (apparently Leroy Sane did it on international duty, but that doesn’t count as Virg wasn’t playing for the Reds). How many have even tried though? That’s probably the more telling stat. Great players don’t even bother attempting to go past him because they know it’s futile. They just pass it to someone else and avoid the ignominy of being mugged by the big man. Van Dijk has transformed this team. He is the most expensive player in the history of the club and yet he’s also one of our greatest bargains. Seriously, he is. £75m is a steal. He’s at least doubled his value already, but that’s not even the point I’m making. He’s made everyone else better too. Joel Matip was being linked with Fulham six months ago, then he looked absolutely magnificent in the second half of the season. Joe Gomez looks like a superstar after playing four or five months alongside Big Virg. And if that’s not enough to prove my point, how about this; last year Dejan Lovren went from a whipping boy to performing like one of the best defenders in the world. Van Dijk is the common denominator in all of that. The players still have to perform and they deserve credit in their own right, but none of them would have looked as accomplished as they have without the influence of Van Dijk, on and off the field. Just by being around him players become better. He’s a leader, but he’s also humble and he inspires confidence in those around him. Now, even when they aren’t partnered by him they still look great because they’re all full of confidence in themselves. Lovren reached a world cup final without Virgil, but would he have performed as well as he did if he hadn’t spent those months building his confidence alongside Big Virg? No chance. The big man’s influence has been fucking huge. On our team, on the fans and on his fellow defenders. Everyone has so much more confidence now. Losing him for any significant period of time would be a huge blow, but when he missed the home leg with Bayern Munich Matip and Fabinho held down the fought and we kept a comfortable clean sheet. We can cope without him for the odd game, but his availability is the biggest key to any success we will have. He’s our most important player and it’s not even close. The impact he’s had on his own team-mates is matched only by that he’s had on the opposition. He intimidates people. Not through fear, but just because he’s so good and so dominant. No-one looks forward to playing against him. The real beauty of it is that we’ve now got the Van Dijk of goalkeepers in Alisson, and the Van Dijk of midfielders in Fabinho. Imagine being an opposing player lined up next to them in the tunnel. You’d be thinking “we’ve got no fucking chance here”. Big, physical, dominant specimens. When he first arrived, I compared Virgil to LeBron James. By that I mean when you watch him, it’s almost unfair how superior he is to everybody else. Both Van Dijk and LeBron always look like they’re the fifth year senior (or year 11 or whatever the fuck it’s called now) who gatecrashed a game with the little first years on the playground. They’re just bigger, faster, stronger and better than everyone else. Physically they’re just superior, but ability wise they are too. Most opponents are powerless when they come up against them, Troy Deeney summed it up better than anybody really, saying “I’ve said it many times, I hate him. I hate going up against him. He’s too big, too strong, too quick, too good on the ball, loves fighting, a good head of hair. He’s one of those guys that sprays on his top as well, so it smells lovely!” Quite. Rating 10 / 10 As difficult as it is to top what he did this year, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was even better next year. Best Moment: It would have been the marvellous way he handled the two against one break against Son and Sissoko, but Andy Robbo stole his thunder when he did the same thing, only against Messi, Suarez and Alba. I'm tempted to go with the ‘assist’ for Origi’s derby winner, but it’s probably the vital header away at Bayern. That was a great moment. The pass to set up Mané in that game was pretty special too. Worst Moment: I’m struggling here. There was the mix up with Alisson at Fulham that led to Babel scoring, but I’ll go for letting Suarez run off the back of him for Barca’s first goal in Camp Nou. The future? More of the same. He’s coming into his prime but probably still has six or seven years left at his best level before he starts slowing down. He seems to love it here so there’s no reason why he won’t spend those years here, and if he does (and if we continue to win trophies) there’s a chance he might go down as our greatest ever player.