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Remember what I said last week about not wanting Newcastle to go down because they beat City? Yeah, forget that. I take it all back after watching them hand Spurs three points late on at Wembley. They gave it a good go for a long time and yes, it might seem harsh holding it against the entire club when it was just one howler from the goalkeeper that lost them the game, but tough shit. It’s a team game, so I’ve had one of my trademark changes of heart and now I’m back to wanting them to go down. It could happen too, they’re only a couple of points ahead of the drop zone. Spurs are really doing my head in now. They just won’t die. They’re like Michael Myers. When we got to nine points ahead that was it, they were out of it and there was even a lot of talk that they might struggle to hold onto a top four spot with the injuries they had to their forwards. They lost a couple of cup games which added to the ‘Spurs are fucked’ narrative, but then I look out the window and there they are stood there in their fucking stupid hockey mask after they dug in and found a way to keep scraping wins in the league. They briefly even went above City this week, which is good in one way, because fuck Man City, but bad in another because it keeps them right on our heels. The sooner Jamie Lee-Curtis shows up and finally finishes these fuckers off for good the better. And if she could take care of City for us as well that would be nice. A couple of weeks ago Chelsea would have been fancying their chances of catching Spurs, but then the arse fell out of them completely and all of a sudden there was talk that Sarri might be in trouble. They got back to winning ways on Saturday with a 5-0 romp over Huddersfield in which Higuain bagged his first goals since his loan move from Serie A. Hazard got a couple too, and David Luiz wrapped it up late on with a deflected header. As I’ve said, I’m curious to see how Higuain does over here as it’s always been my suspicion that he’d flop massively if he ever moved to the Premier League. Taking over the cursed Chelsea number nine shirt only added to that feeling, and these two goals do nothing yet to make me change my mind. Why? Because it was Huddersfield. Even slumping Everton beat Huddersfield. There’s no real achievement in Chelsea hammering Huddersfield and it proves nothing about whether they’re back on track or not. The Terriers are game and they’ll try their best, but they pose no threat whatsoeve, which makes them a pushover. It’s like going into the boxing ring against an opponent with no arms. He’s ducking and weaving and he’s brave as fuck, but he’s got no arms so you can just throw everything at him knowing you aren’t going to get hit and that eventually you’ll just beat the shit out of him. So as of now, I’m still saying Higuain is a fraud and I challenge him to prove me wrong this weekend against City. If Chelsea beat City I promise to listen to Madness songs in the car all next week, and I really fucking hate Madness. Those irritating baggy trousered Chelsea pricks did their best to single handedly ruin the 80s. Some of you will be shaking your head at that and saying “I quite like Madness”. You can all fuck off too. You know nothing about music. Anyway, moving swiftly on before I alienate even more of my loyal paying customers… There was fun and games at Goodison as Everton got spanked by Wolves. The only highlight for the crowd was a black cat running across the field. It was on there for nearly three minutes and to its credit did more in that time than Theo Walcott has since he left Arsenal. Having a black cat cross your path is said to bring bad luck, and with City coming to town a few days later this was just what the doctor ordered for the Evertonians. In fact, I reckon one of them smuggled the cat in just so they could let it loose among the players. I’m sure they knew they had no chance of beating City even if they gave their all, but why take any chances? County Road wasn’t safe to drive down all day on Wednesday because of all the broken mirrors lying on the road and no doubt there was a set of ladders lined up outside the home dressing room door for when the players came out of there. I’ll get to their meek surrender against City in due course, for now I’ll just stick with the bumming they got by Nuno Holy Spirit and his boys. Wolves were really good once again. Their first was a pen after Baines had been brilliantly done by the excellent Doherty (defo a best shit player in the league contender). A screamer by Andre Gomez drew Everton level but Jimenez headed Wolves back in front. I like him, he’s a Poundland Bobby, although maybe based on recent form Bobby is a Poundland Jimenez. Dendoncker made it 3-1 after a mistake from ‘the Golden Child’ Ademola Lookman. Told you before, he’s shite him but to listen to the Blues you’d think he’s the next big thing. Not like them to overhype shite kids is it? Branch, Ball, Cadamarteri, Jeffers, Rodwell, Barkley, Rooney. Ok, so Rooney wasn’t bad but he’s the exception that proves the rule. The fight for survival got more interesting this week after Cardiff made up ground on all of their rivals by beating Bournemouth, who failed to build on their brilliant demolition of Chelsea in their previous game. I’m saying nothing about Bournemouth's performance as we’ve got them next. Steve Cook’s bizarre handball allowed Bobby Reid to put the home side ahead from the spot. The players celebrated by holding up a shirt with a picture of poor Emiliano Sala on it. Very sad, those players didn’t really know him but it’s still got to be hard for them as they know it could have been any one of them. Still, it’s a bit galling seeing Cardiff doing all this mourning when according to reports in France it looks like they’re trying to get out of paying the fee. Poor form that. Although saying that, Nantes sending them an invoice and demand for payment while the poor lad is still lying at the bottom of the English Channel is also unsavoury as fuck, as is them dragging all of this out in public. Football is fucking rotten isn’t it? Reid got his second almost immediately after the restart when Cook stepped up to play offside but Clyne was a yard deeper and played the Cardiff striker on. Good finish from him. Afterwards Warnock was in tears on the field (completely genuine) and almost broke down in his interview afterwards as he spoke about Sala. Not entirely sure how genuine that was because just seconds before the interview started he was full of beans and was caught on camera saying to a BBC interviewer “Tell Gary Lineker to fuck off. He’s been calling me ‘Colin’”. Fair enough I think. If Lineker has been calling him ‘Colin’ then he’s entitled to have a pop back. I doubt Lineker gives a shit. He’s probably too busy arguing with Piers Morgan on Twitter to even notice. Cardiff’s win saw them edge closer to Burnley and Southampton who draw at Turf Moor. Ings should have given the Saints an early lead against his old club but his shot was straight at Heaton. Burnley’s record has been really good since Heaton got back in the side, which just goes to show once more than Joe Hart has some sort of curse following him around. He’s played really well this season but they were getting battered. Not through any fault of his, but as soon as he was replaced they started picking up points and now he’s back on bench duty. It’s mad, one moment you’re on top of the world and the next you’re on the bench at Burnley. Maybe he had an encounter with that Goodison cat? There was one massive flashpoint in this game that we’d be hearing an awful lot more about if Burnley had lost. Ashley Barnes was lucky to stay on when he was booked for diving and then he completely lost his shit with the linesman and the ref. At one point he spat at the linesman’s feet, as he delivered a torrent of abuse whilst wildly gesticulating with his arms. Anthony Taylor should have given him a second yellow for such a blatant show of dissent, but Barnes’ protests were so vociferous I reckon Taylor realised he must have gotten that one wrong and shit himself. You don’t react like Barnes did unless you know you’ve been wronged and he had every reason to be furious as it was a staggeringly shit decision by the officials. Anthony Taylor though, so it’s par for the course. Redmond looked like he’d won it with a good finish but Crouchy came off the bench and played his part in a last gasp equaliser. Dyche was no doubt ready to launch into his weekly rant about his team never getting penalties, when, after 67 games without one, Taylor adjudged Jack Stephens to have handled under pressure from Crouch. Barnes held his nerve to get them a well deserved point. Watford and Brighton also played out a well fought draw at the Amex. Ben Foster was sensational. He has a clanger in him but more often than not when I’m watching MOTD all I see is him making loads of worldy saves. Pickford might be "England's Number One" but Foster is by far their best keeper. It's a low bar though to be fair. Special mention for Lewis Dunk too for the best bit of defending all season. He’s lying on the floor having been turned by Andre Gray, and the ball is nestling against his chest. Gray is going to nick it and probably score, and it looks like the only way Dunk can stop him is to handle it. Somehow he managed to make a tackle with his face, and then he grabs the ball between both of his thighs, drags it away from Gray, drops it down on the floor before back heeling it to a team-mate. Take a bow son. Fulham’s revival lasted one game. That great comeback they had in midweek was soon forgotten as they slumped to a limp 2-0 defeat at Selhurst Park against a Palace side missing Wilf Zaha. Palace opened the scoring from the spot. Well of course they did, they’re alternate universe Burnley. Palace and penalties go together like Everton and white flag waving against Mancs. Benteke was back in the starting line up and he hit the bar with a stunning overhead kick. It’s mad how he’s better at overheads than he is with normal shots. I’d back with him an overhead from 18 yards before I would with an unopposed one v one with the keeper any day. Mitrovic should have had a pen when he was shoved in the back, but he wasn’t wearing a Palace shirt so the ref wasn’t interested. Schlupp wrapped up the points with a couple of minutes to go when he fired in a rebound after good work by sub Batshuayi. Onto Sunday now. United won at Leicester. Don’t care. Didn’t watch any of it. Fuck them. City won too. I did watch that one, for my sins. I should have known better than to put myself through that. That Arsenal defence offends me. I mean, I don’t want Arsenal to be good, but seeing their defence as bad as this is actually offensive. I’ve been banging on all season about City scoring most of their goals the same way, but recently it’s began to feel like maybe teams are beginning to figure it out. Not Arsenal. They somehow managed to concede the exact same goal three times. Aguero’s third may have been a clear handball but it deserved to count just so Arsenal got the punishment their staggeringly incompetent play warranted. Absolute fucking losers. The second half from Arsenal was a disgrace. It was like they had eleven Ozil’s on the field. No heart, no fight, they just gave up as soon as the third goal went in. They’ve got some players in that defence who wouldn’t get a game for teams in the relegation zone. And they’re paying them fortunes. Kolasinic is on £120k apparently. Imagine paying that much to a left back who isn’t Marcelo or Andy Robbo? Finally, Wednesday night went as we all expected. The Blues made it look good but got the result they wanted. Hold out for 45 minutes just to show they’re not hopeless, then concede in stoppage time to avoid being booed off. Second half, hold out for 45 minutes to show they can, then let City score in stoppage time just in case goal difference becomes a factor. Marco Silva left out his three best players as Richarlison, Coleman and Sigurdsson all started on the bench. Why do that? Two reasons. Firstly, they’ve got the Z-Cars derby this weekend and Watford are rapidly becoming their main rivals these days. The rivalry with us has lost a lot of its lustre as we play in different leagues now, but the beef with Watford is really gathering pace as that’s a battle they think they can win. It started when they tapped up Silva and Watford weren’t having it and threatened to report them. Watford made Silva stay for a few months and then sacked him for being shit and disloyal. Everton eventually got their man and some Blues are using that as some kind of evidence that they’re a superior club to Watford. “We took your manager because we can”. Watford, for their part, seem to be bearing a grudge against both Everton and Silva. They retweeted something Lineker posted on the day they sacked Silva, where he condemned them for the decision and said they’d be worse off, and they commented “This aged well”. Watford’s CEO apologised for it and joked that he might be going through more social media managers than head coaches at this rate. I reckon that Harry the Hornet was behind it. He’s a case him, remember him taunting Zaha by diving at his feet? The Hodge wanted to kill him that day. That tweet had his fingerprints all over it. Anyway, Silva was clearly prioritising this weekend’s game for personal reasons and had we not been going for the title I expect he’d have been hammered by the fans for not going all out to beat City. But we are going for the title, so they were good with it. I’m not even mad, it’s exactly what I expect. I’m just grateful this game was played at the beginning of February and not the end of April. I hope my boy Troy and the Watford lads tear them a new arsehole this weekend though. In fact, if Watford beat Everton this weekend I pledge to listen to Elton John songs in the car all week. So just like most week’s really. Can’t beat a bit of Elton. Update: My Boy Troy is ready! He had this to say about the prospect of Watford fans giving Silva a hard time: “We’d prefer if you left him alone, it will only motivate them more. Let us kick the shit out of them”. That’s my boy right there. My Boy Troy.