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As you can see, there's a vas deferens between all the options.

Unexpected, but thanks for the compliment.

Usher. Moved to a new house IN THE HAMPTONS!

One?

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer: Throw in your washing. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said '' I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit'' I said '' Sorry mate did he drown?'' “No” he said ……….'' he choked on a sock ''

Fella on the corner of North St John St/Lord St in Liverpool. Gave him a couple of quid and he had a box of sweets and offered me some because he said he didn't want something for nothing. I didn't take any but walked away with tears in my eyes.

But fair.

he may be fantastic in the dressing room and monging in front of the cameras at a children's hospital, but he's fucking useless on the pitch. He wins joint least inspirational captain with that twat off the Costa Concordia.

I still maintain that the midfield set-up is the biggest hindrance to our performances in Europe. The trio of Henderson, Milner and Wijnaldum have occasionally proved effective but right now, away from home, there isn't enough invention and control of midfield from them, nor is there the nous to protect the defence from being got at. Napoli, Red Star and PSG have all managed to completely dominate us in midfield. Our forwards have become isolate and end up seeking space very wide (Mane in particular, and Salah occasionally) or dropping very deep (Firmino). It leaves our forwards too far apart and with nobody making dangerous runs beyond them, they become isolated and/or try to do too much on their own.

Because he had absolutely no option there unless he just stopped and held his head in his hands, crying. Which would not have surprised me.

Of course not - but did Gerrard have a long line of beige, nothing performances behind him. Gerrard led by example, led the team win or lose and showed the balls required for the job. Henderson is invisible as a leader, largely mediocre as a footballer and has nowhere near the kind of credit in the bank that Stevie had when he did throw in a bad performance.

Not sure why people call it "dreaded Europa League" I'd be fucking made up if we won it.

Its been a shocking campaign, we look really clueless away from home. That fucking midfield - i'd be very interested to read any kind of reasoned defence of it, because to me it is killing us.

There's a Russian guy who works in our office. Every Mon and Weds fruit gets delivered to the office for staff to take as they wish. This dude is usually in early on Mon and Weds and often takes shit loads and puts it in his desk drawers for the week ahead and thinks nobody has ever noticed him. Last week, one of the Polish guys who is moving job next week took a stand. It must have been bothering him and building up inside and as he was leaving, he probably decided 'fuck it'. So as Russian lad went to the toilet, Polish lad went to his desk and took all the fruit out. Bananas, mandarins and plums - not sure how many exactly but there was a good amount. He pushed back his keyboard and laid the fruit out in the shape of a cock. When Russian dude came back he wasn't a happy camper and started looking at everyone to see who to blame. It was hilarious. If he knew who did it I reckon he defo would have punched him. He stormed out of the office for a good 40 mins before returning. I don't think he'll take as much fruit in future... Just thought I'd share that, ye know, Russians.

Sun - Cat Power I fancy Cat Power so I may be a bit biased on this review. Having spent most of my allocated time to listen to this, listening to her new album ‘Wanderer’ I’m a bit later than I anticipated with this review. So here goes. Cherokee - A nice soft and gentle opening. I like Cat’s vocal melodies and overlaying on all her stuff. This is a nice intro track and has a lot, yet subtle, additional elements in it that add the beef to it. I think this would would work just as well as a vocal and piano track. Sun - Album’s title track. Bit of an acid/techno vibe running softly in the background. Feels a bit of a step into modern Mark Lanegan. Some nice melodies in both the guitar chord progressions with Cat’s (on first name terms me) vocals. Another nice and mellow ideal for a sunset or Sunday late morning early afternoon listening. Ruin - I like this one. Her vocal layering is great again. I like the pattern she sings too. Again everything is soft and gentle on the ears, even though intention gets ramped up a bit it’s not overbearing. Sounds like a lot of stuff that has preceded and you’ll find on 6Music. 3,6,9 - Another catchy little vocal pattern. One thing I don’t like that Cat uses is that bloody vocal shifter effect. It’s straight out the Victoria Beckham/Dane Bowers book of complete fuckwittery. Besides that small issue, Always On My Own - Bit of moodier one this. Reminds me of a slower version Lykki Li “I’m Good, I’m Gone” crossed with a tiny bit of Portishead. Real Life - There’s that acid/techno vibe. Listening to this makes me yearn (seriously? Yearn?) for her to do something with Mark Lanegan. I think their voices would compliment each other excellently. Human Being - A bit of a Joy Division vibe at the start of this. Then she brings in her honey like vocals. Dark feel to this one with a positive spin. One of my favourites off the album. Manhattan - Got a film soundtrack vibe to it this. Played over of reflection about friendship/love. Silent Machine - Ooohh a bit of electric guitar. Defo should be doing something with Lanegan. She sounds dead sexy on this one. Got a The Kills vibe going on. Obviously not Alison Mossheart levels of power, more the mellower, quieter sister. Nothin But Time - Electro with some piano start. End of a film being imagined listening to this. Bit of a spiritual feeling to it. It’s nice while not mind blowing. Peace And Love - Boss bit of guitar at the start. And a drummer. Feels like it’s the gentle offspring of ‘Kashmir’ by Led Zep. Her vocal pattern is boss again. Really dig this one. Overall, it’s a decent album that is very listenable and easy on the ear. I really like her voice and vocal patterns and melodies. One thing that lets her down is that I feel there is another gear/level that she could push herself vocally. More power in the music; it’s all pretty much the same style/tempo/level (which she does well). I’m gonna give it 7.03/10. Enjoyable, easy to listen to, just leaves me wanting a bit more from her at the end especially when Peace And Love comes on.

He is a shithouse coward of the highest order. I can't believe what Klopp sees in him. The Ardja brigade will be out defending him soon. Fucking shithouse of a captain and as a player. Think he's actually regressed since joining. He is probably a nice guy and does alot of running in training, but as a footballer at this level he can fuck right out of the club and go back to Sunderland. Did I say shithouse ?, he makes me puke. Fucking nivea poster boy joke.

That's all well and good, but how are we meant to call each other cunts if we all agree?

At least six of those are the names of Rees Mogg's kids.

Excellent work all! Scrotally brilliant

Excellent. I'm backing a people's scrote.

Bring Trent back in at RB, Keita for Henderson. 2-0 to us.

Some on here are experts.

Don’t fancy us at all. The balance of power is shifting. They been getting players from Barca whilst we’ve been shopping from Stoke FFS. They own the fucking Liver Birds. They own the City. Usmanov and his billions is the man behind all this. How the fuck can we compete with that?

How does a man who adamantly denies placing the one bet he's been accused of betting make it onto a list of famous gamblers? And it's F******l on the GF. And it mentions that odious prick Merson. Cunt thread all round.

A really good lad I knew died a year or so back on the streets, he came from an iffy family but he was a genuine kid, drugs got him in the end. Use to see him regularly begging and despite offers from many of shelter etc he was adamant he was ok. I would give him money despite knowing where it was going and I regret it.

Give arDja his due credit. He’s spent most of his life savings buying overpriced London breakfasts so he can review them for us. He deserves some acknowledgement.

He might well have described the whole situation and outcry as an epidemic, but I’d be surprised if he called it an epidemic that people are becoming transgender. For me, he makes a lot of good points, obvious but good. On other subjects I don’t doubt he could be a cunt, I just haven’t seen it. As far as his opinions on this subject go I think he’s pretty sensible, from what I’ve seen, and has more of an issue about freedom of speech being curtailed, rather than hating trans people. Is there anything you can easily point to that would demonstrate his twatishness. If it’s out there, I’d like to stop calling him sensible.

I'd be made up if we won anything.

Maybe they are capable of differentiating between various opinions and points he makes, rather than dismissing him and other people on the grounds of their ideological profile?

Pretty sure they're in their own category for water sports, at least on certain websites.

If you get him in the office Secret Santa, may I suggest a copy of The Grapes of Wrath.

I think it's safe to say we won't be naming any stands in our beloved captains good name. The Jordan 'just get rid' stand.

Late 2nd half: Silva "hurts" his head when falling to ground. He's outside the sideline so the ref correctly lets play go on. Seeing that, Silva walks on to the pitch again and lay down there instead. Play stops so that he can receive medic care, after all it's a "head injury" we’re talking about. Ref accepts these actions and 2 mins run off the clock. Our players “sportingly” returns the ball to PSG when play eventually starts again. How the f*** can this happen?

I was talking to my bird about the Beatles a while back and I started to talk about Stuart Sutcliffe and after a few minutes of me talking she said “you’d think more would be said about The Yorkshire Ripper once being in The Beatles”. with that, my vote is for Stuart Sutcliffe.

Shit tissues. We normally keep a box in the living room but we ran out a few days ago. I had to nip in the corner shop this morning anyway and I noticed they had some on offer. 50p for a box or two for a pound. Never one to miss out on a bargain, I picked up the two boxes. As it happens I’ve got a runny nose today so I tried one of these tissues. Fucking woeful. I’ve never known anything like it. Couldn’t even withstand one nose blow before it fell to bits. I reckon you’d need, and this is a conservative estimate, at least 15 of them if you were planning a wank.

Couldn't imagine this happening not only nowadays but over the last 20 years in which a player who's been slagged off gets a chance to come on and defend himself against the bloke who's been having a pop.

I absolutely hate Anthea Turner. I'd put her with Jamie Theakston, Fearne Cotton and most of the history of the cast of EastEnders as being guaranteed just horrible horrible people.

Naby Keita completed more dribbles in the last 20 minutes against PSG, than Jordan Henderson, James Milner and Gini Wijnaldum managed all game.

You’ve snogged worse when you were drunk in your younger days....

As much as that might happen and probably did happen, that's out of our control, so it's irrelevant.

First things first. The referee was so awful it's amazing he actually never awarded Neymar a penalty. He missed the blatant one for us despite being in a better position than the touchline official, and thankfully the official actually did something useful and informed him that there had indeed been a foul on Mane. The ref was allowing PSG to get away with their shithouse antics all evening, and failed to send Verratti off for a dreadful challenge on Gomez in the first half. I'll touch upon that again shortly. Thiago Silva is an excellent defender but he goes down 'injured' at least half a dozen times a game. Which brings me to another point. Yet again we failed to be streetwise. It needed some shithousery from our players to let PSG know they were not going to have it all their own way. Gomez should have made a meal of Verratti's challenge. We needed to be in the refs ear just as much as PSG were. We needed to dive around whenever we were anywhere near a challenge with Silva just to put doubt in the ref's mind. It's little things like that - unpalatable as they are - that often make the difference in these big games. We really need to wise up to it. Which leads me onto my next bugbear, and that's the midfield. For the love of god Jurgen, please do not pick these 3 in an away game again. It's making our attack look shit because it lacks the guile to create anything so they have to do it all themselves. It's not shielding the defence properly because they can be played through by passing and movement. With Henderson in the deep-lying role, Wijnaldum is ineffective because he is caught in a role that negates everything he is good at. Until PSG took Cavani and Mbappe off because they'd settled for 2-1, Henderson did absolutely nothing with the ball. Time and again when we had it and were looking for options, he was never in a position where he could receive it and play an effective forward pass. Milner seemed to be having one of those games where everything he did was on the stretch. If bypassed, he was out of the game. We were not quite as bad as we had been in Naples and Belgrade, but our away form in Europe is cause for alarm. For me, the midfield trio of Henderson, Milner and Wilnaldum is the biggest reason as to why. Keita hadn't had a good game when picked to start at Napoli, but when he was subbed early after getting injured, Klopp reverted to the ineffective trio once more. It simply doesn't work, so he needs to start putting more faith in Keita, Fabinho and Shaqiri for midfield roles. Up front, Firmino really looked off the boil. There was a slackness about his play that meant he couldn't link up with either Salah or Mane, which made those two less effective. I can understand us using Firmino because he is more physical than our other forwards, but maybe we needed a different approach, I don't know. People will now big up the Anfield factor for the final game, but we've been in this position of needing a win in our final group game in the Champions League several times (ALWAYS the season after we entered it without needing to play qualifying games first) and fallen short. Basel twice and once against Fiorentina. Of course we can still make it but that we mean Napoli drop out in all likelihood, and they've been the best team in the group so far. Go in with a streetwise attitude and we could still reach the knockouts.

The sex offenders register

The BBC can go and fuck themselves. A disaster but to add insult to injury, they served in a fucking bowl. Jimmy Savile is now the 2nd most offensive thing the BBC has given the nation.

Alice Roberts gets my vote.

How old were you when she did your birthday party , SD ?