The Ailment thread

[Babb'sBurstNad]

1 hour ago, Captain Willard said:

This post has inspired me to go out and buy millionaire shortbread. Thanks 

The Aldi pack is good, four slices for 85p. Pure sugar.

[Mook]

Anybody know any miracle cures for a tickly cough?

 

I have one at the moment & I can't fucking sleep. Whenever I lie down it feels like there's a wee man running about in my throat with a feather duster.

[Harry's Lad]

7 minutes ago, Mook said:

Anybody know any miracle cures for a tickly cough?

 

I have one at the moment & I can't fucking sleep. Whenever I lie down it feels like there's a wee man running about in my throat with a feather duster.

My Mum swears by honey and lemon. The honey coats the throat taking away the tickle apparently.

Haven't tried it myself like because I don't like honey and I'm diabetic anyway.

[Bjornebye]

12 minutes ago, Mook said:

Anybody know any miracle cures for a tickly cough?

 

I have one at the moment & I can't fucking sleep. Whenever I lie down it feels like there's a wee man running about in my throat with a feather duster.

Cough syrup. 

[Mook]

20 minutes ago, Harry's Lad said:

My Mum swears by honey and lemon. The honey coats the throat taking away the tickle apparently.

Haven't tried it myself like because I don't like honey and I'm diabetic anyway.

Cheers, I'll give it a go.

20 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

Cough syrup. 

Usually works for about 5 minutes so not much good when I'm going to my scratcher.

[Jairzinho]

Got man flu.

 

The end is nigh.

[Elite]

40 minutes ago, Mook said:

Anybody know any miracle cures for a tickly cough?

 

I have one at the moment & I can't fucking sleep. Whenever I lie down it feels like there's a wee man running about in my throat with a feather duster.

You just have to wait it out. It's fucking annoying though, like lung tourettes.

[Elite]

The bomb squad had to be called to a hospital in Gloucester after a man got an artillery shell stuck inside him.

 

The army sent an explosive ordnance disposal team to Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary yesterday morning (December 2) after a patient told staff he had the ammunition stuck in his bottom.

 

It is understood he told staff he fell on the World War Two shell.

 

Gloucestershire Police confirmed its officers attended the hospital after "a report that a patient had presented with a munition in his rectum".

 

A spokesperson for the force told ITV News: "The item had been removed prior to police arrival and the Explosive Ordnance Disposal team (EOD) were contacted.

 

"They attended and confirmed it was not live and therefore not a danger to the public."

 

An Army spokesperson added: "We can confirm an Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal team was called out to Gloucestershire at the request of local police."

 

The hospital told ITV News it followed the relevant safety protocols were followed to ensure there was no risk to patients, staff or visitors.

[Elite]

Takes a special kind of deviant to shove a bomb up his arse.

[littletedwest]

You doubt his story about falling on it?

[Elite]

1 minute ago, littletedwest said:

You doubt his story about falling on it?

One hell of a landmine.

[Mudface]

6 minutes ago, Elite said:

Takes a special kind of deviant to shove a bomb up his arse.

When a champagne bottle just doesn't scratch that itch.

[Elite]

1 minute ago, Mudface said:

When a champagne bottle just doesn't scratch that itch.

Must not have had enough 'pop' for him.

[Mudface]

Just now, Elite said:

Must not have had enough 'pop' for him.

Hope he put a condom over it in case it went off.

[Elite]

1 minute ago, Mudface said:

Hope he put a condom over it in case it went off.

Doesn't sound the type of bloke that practices 'safe' sex.

 

[Strontium]

47 minutes ago, Elite said:

The bomb squad had to be called to a hospital in Gloucester after a man got an artillery shell stuck inside him.

 

The army sent an explosive ordnance disposal team to Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary yesterday morning (December 2) after a patient told staff he had the ammunition stuck in his bottom.

 

Bomb squad or bum squad?

[Bjornebye]

Just heard on the radio that 44 bottles of Irn Bru got stolen in Stroud. I'm not pointing any fingers here 

[Captain Willard]

1 hour ago, Elite said:

The bomb squad had to be called to a hospital in Gloucester after a man got an artillery shell stuck inside him.

 

The army sent an explosive ordnance disposal team to Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary yesterday morning (December 2) after a patient told staff he had the ammunition stuck in his bottom.

 

It is understood he told staff he fell on the World War Two shell.

 

Gloucestershire Police confirmed its officers attended the hospital after "a report that a patient had presented with a munition in his rectum".

 

A spokesperson for the force told ITV News: "The item had been removed prior to police arrival and the Explosive Ordnance Disposal team (EOD) were contacted.

 

"They attended and confirmed it was not live and therefore not a danger to the public."

 

An Army spokesperson added: "We can confirm an Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal team was called out to Gloucestershire at the request of local police."

 

The hospital told ITV News it followed the relevant safety protocols were followed to ensure there was no risk to patients, staff or visitors.

This is a mortar shell. Imagine that. 

[VladimirIlyich]

2 hours ago, Elite said:

The bomb squad had to be called to a hospital in Gloucester after a man got an artillery shell stuck inside him.

 

The army sent an explosive ordnance disposal team to Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary yesterday morning (December 2) after a patient told staff he had the ammunition stuck in his bottom.

 

It is understood he told staff he fell on the World War Two shell.

 

Gloucestershire Police confirmed its officers attended the hospital after "a report that a patient had presented with a munition in his rectum".

 

A spokesperson for the force told ITV News: "The item had been removed prior to police arrival and the Explosive Ordnance Disposal team (EOD) were contacted.

 

"They attended and confirmed it was not live and therefore not a danger to the public."

 

An Army spokesperson added: "We can confirm an Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal team was called out to Gloucestershire at the request of local police."

 

The hospital told ITV News it followed the relevant safety protocols were followed to ensure there was no risk to patients, staff or visitors.

If it had gone off it would have rectum.

[Kevin D]

2 hours ago, Elite said:

The bomb squad had to be called to a hospital in Gloucester after a man got an artillery shell stuck inside him.

 

The army sent an explosive ordnance disposal team to Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary yesterday morning (December 2) after a patient told staff he had the ammunition stuck in his bottom.

 

It is understood he told staff he fell on the World War Two shell.

 

Gloucestershire Police confirmed its officers attended the hospital after "a report that a patient had presented with a munition in his rectum".

 

A spokesperson for the force told ITV News: "The item had been removed prior to police arrival and the Explosive Ordnance Disposal team (EOD) were contacted.

 

"They attended and confirmed it was not live and therefore not a danger to the public."

 

An Army spokesperson added: "We can confirm an Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal team was called out to Gloucestershire at the request of local police."

 

The hospital told ITV News it followed the relevant safety protocols were followed to ensure there was no risk to patients, staff or visitors.

 

 

[Iceman]

16 minutes ago, Captain Willard said:

This is a mortar shell. Imagine that.   Let that sink in. 

 

[VladimirIlyich]

20 minutes ago, Captain Willard said:

This is a mortar shell. Imagine that. 

An enema of the state.

[Harry's Lad]

2 hours ago, Captain Willard said:

This is a mortar shell. Imagine that. 

The key to an explosive orgasm.

[Iceman]

Fire in the hole. 

[Evelyn Tentions]

15 hours ago, Captain Willard said:

This is a mortar shell. Imagine that. 

This is an American mortar (practice round?) found in one of my students garden. The size of my size 45 wellie will give you some idea of the size. He would have needed an arse the size of the Mersey tunnel to fit that. Given the weight of it, all he'd have to do is stand up to get it out.

Culinary joke -its now used by the family as a pestle.