Life's enduring mysteries

[mattyq]

Every time i've been to the US the eggs have been white. Weird

[stevebaby]

 

"Hello boy"

I'd sell my house to see PA squeeze Thatcher's head muscle.

[VladimirIlyich]

I'd sell my house to see PA squeeze Thatcher's head muscle.

 

Is that another euphemism?

Head muscle sounds a bit you know.....dirty!

[Captain Turdseye]

When was the last time you got a tenner out of an atm. Fuck off giving me the option to take out a tenner and then telling me to choose a different denomination.

 

I got £50 out of one the other week. 10 fivers. Who the fuck wants 10 fivers?

 

To be fair, it was located outside of a jobcentre.

[Travis Bickle]

Why do driving instructors take first time learners out on the road at rush hour? Twats.

[Pony Princess]

Why do driving instructors take first time learners out on the road at rush hour? Twats.

 

Good one. I was thinking this the other day. I know lots of people have their lesson after work but fuckkkkkk, it is so annoying to be stuck behind a learner.

 

Where did that slimey / spermy stuff come from that kept appearing on the Cumbrian moors? All tests seem to be inconclusive.

 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

Why do dogs love sticking their heads out of car windows.. but if you blow in their face they don't like it?

[Liverpool lad]

Why do people celebrate being ignorant?

[Champ]

Why are people with Jesus stickers on their rear windscreens such shit drivers

[Liverpool lad]

Marriage

 

Why do people do without for ages to save up for one day?

 

That is before you expose the hypocrisy of getting married in a church you would never bother to go to any other Sunday.

[Remmie]

Orange: Which was named first; the fruit or the colour?

[stevienando]

[md1892]

I got £50 out of one the other week. 10 fivers. Who the fuck wants 10 fivers?

 

To be fair, it was located outside of a jobcentre.

 

 

Consider yourself lucky, the ones our way pay out in fivers now.

[Bobby Hundreds]

Orange: Which was named first; the fruit or the colour?

 

Always lacked imagination the naming of that fruit, alongside brown sauce it's just fucking bone idle.

[Jonny83]

Orange: Which was named first; the fruit or the colour?

 

Fruit.

 

The colour orange is named after the appearance of the ripe orange fruit.[3] Before this word was introduced to the English-speaking world, the colour was referred to as ġeolurēad (yellow-red).

 

The first recorded use of orange as a colour name in English was in 1512,[4][5] in a will now filed with the Public Records Office.

 

 

What hurts more - childbirth or a firm kick to the testicles?

[Trumo]

What hurts more - childbirth or a firm kick to the testicles?

 

A man getting firmly kicked in the bollocks dramatically reduces the likelihood of a woman ever having to face childbirth.

[AVEEZ]

its clear you may all benefit from Aunty Aveez Wisdom here -

 

 

Periods, how do i manage to lose so much blood and still survive each month?

Each month you lose 4 - 6 tablespoons of MENSTRUAL FLUID (I love that phrase) as you are likely to have 500 of these bastards in you life time, you will be losing c2000 - 3000 tablespoons - you are not yet dead because women are fucking ace and loosing a mere 53.2745142 litres of blood in our life time is fuck all compared to fighting with the CSA.

 

And what does it say about you pouncing on the newbie as soon as he mentions his cock!

Its says that he is a major bellend

 

 

I dont understand people who sell stuff on eBay like a book or DVD for 1p, tshirt/jumper for 50p or even a 3 piece suite for 99p, I couldn't be bothered putting the ad together for that, never mond going the post office delivering it, it seems a lot of effort just for a few pence profit(I assume they make a profit somewhere on the postage otherwise it's even worse)

 

You look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves..FACT

 

You cant be arsed doing it because you're a lazy bastard!

 

 

Razor blades that cost so much they need a security tag! Why are they so expensive?

 

They're not - bic razors are £3.99 max for their Comfort 3 tripple blade disposable (with 6 in a pack) - the ones with the tags on are there to convince you they are better, they do this by giving them names boys will love... Mach3 Turbo, Gillette Fusion, Quatro Titanium, Fusion Proglide, Mach3 Power and the icing on the 'men are attracted to pretty names' cake is (drum roll please) ...... Fusion Phenom Power Razor!!

 

How can a small dangleberry cause you to use half a bog roll when wiping after parking your breakfast?

 

Its all in the technique - yours is obviously very poor, front to back in one continuous motion, repeat as necessary using a max of 5 sheets per wipe - folded to reduce the possibility of poo finger!

 

 

Why do ones own gaseous emissions not smell as bad as another persons? (Unless you are a fart-sniffing fetishist)

 

Why are no paedophiles black?

 

These are 2 good questions Chicken...alas as a woman, I dont actually have any gaseous emissions and as such can only tell you that some smell worse than other due to the fibre or other wise content of their diet! Your own most likely smell ok to you because we don’t get an objective reading of everything we sniff. Our senses are about interpretation and context as much as they are about chemicals. As a result, psychological factors will play in to our perception of how ‘bad’ a fart smells, along with the details of last night’s dinner menu. So, even if the chemical composition of ‘our’ fart and ‘their’ fart is the same, we may still perceive them as smelling different.

 

In respect of black Paedophiles, they dont have time to mess with kids between their drug dealing, gang banging, wife beating, raping and murdering!

 

what does the H stand for when people say Jesus H christ!!!

 

Honky

 

Why do driving instructors take first time learners out on the road at rush hour? Twats.

 

Because everyone has to learn sometime you cunt.. set off earlier if youre in such a fucking rush to get somewhere, a few minutes wont kill you.

 

Why do people celebrate being ignorant?

 

Where ignorance, is bliss it is folly to be wise!

 

Why are people with Jesus stickers on their rear windscreens such shit drivers

 

Their minds are occupied with godly shit and as such, their concentration on the task at hand is piss poor..ask them the words to 'bind us together lord' and they will amaze you with their accuracy!

Orange: Which was named first; the fruit or the colour?

 

The colour, obviously!

 

Marriage

 

Why do people do without for ages to save up for one day?

 

That is before you expose the hypocrisy of getting married in a church you would never bother to go to any other Sunday.

 

Some people value the sanctity of marriage above all else and are prepared to sacrifce, every day enjoyment, to save for the event. This kind of happiness sacrifice also prepares them, for the marriage itself. As for hypocrisy in the church, you reap what you sow!

[Lee909]

Disposable razors are absolute shite.

I bloody hate the things,end up looking like Homer when he is teaching Vary to save in the Simpsons.

Seriously considering growing a manly beard again.

[Bobby Hundreds]

There's no way that H in Jesus H Christ stands for honky , you crazy cracker.

[Champ]

 

Its says that he is a major bellend

 

 

 

And strangely, he was never heard of again......

[VladimirIlyich]

Disposable razors are absolute shite.

I bloody hate the things,end up looking like Homer when he is teaching Vary to save in the Simpsons.

Seriously considering growing a manly beard again.

 

I saw how easy it was to make those spelling mistakes.

 

[Champ]

And another thing, why does liquid expand when it gets spilled? Just knocked my tea over (from a reasonable sized mug)..there's now lake across my floor

[Trumo]

How come I like red sauce and tomato soup but I hate tomatoes?

 

Because neither of them actually taste like tomatoes.

[JohnnyH]

Orange: Which was named first; the fruit or the colour?

 

I think it was the bastard?

[melons]

its clear you may all benefit from Aunty Aveez Wisdom here -

 

 

 

Each month you lose 4 - 6 tablespoons of MENSTRUAL FLUID (I love that phrase) as you are likely to have 500 of these bastards in you life time, you will be losing c2000 - 3000 tablespoons - you are not yet dead because women are fucking ace and loosing a mere 53.2745142 litres of blood in our life time is fuck all compared to fighting with the CSA.

 

 

 

Pfft, i managed that in less then an hour a couple of months ago, destroyed my sofa, and apparently it wasn't covered on the twatting insurance. Luckily the medication reduced that to 6tbs over the 8 hour day last month. The bastard gynecologists still want to steal my uterus though.

 

I'm dead hard, me.

[The-Sir]

Why am I dead?