Social faux pas?

[zigackly]

Why would you think gardening was a suitable vocation??

 

[Carvalho Diablo]

Several years ago at work, in full ear shot of a dozen or so customers and staff, my mate Claire goes to me : "You smell nice Lee, what have you got on ?"

 

"I've got a hard on, but I didn't know you could smell it."

 

She gasped audibly, blushed crimson, and several of the punters in the queue burst out laughing, I gave her a wink and a pat on the arse and walked back to my desk.

 

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth...

[Carvalho Diablo]

There was another time at work a few years back where I'd just been to the bogs before walking into a packed tea room.

 

One of the birds tried to be a bit clever : "Your flies are undone.", she said smugly, in front of her cronies, giggling to fuck.

 

I fixed the daft bint with a stare and responded : "How come you're looking at my balls...?"

 

Oof, better than a kick to the fanny.

[sir roger]

Went to a wedding reception & was doing the walking down the welcoming line & saw the best-man had a bruise on his eye. Quite wittily I thought, I said ' I should have got here earlier for the fight'. Everybody looked at their shoes & the bride said ' It's a birthmark and he is quite sensitive about it '.

[Acid]

One of my mates in college lost his mum last year, and a few days after he came back to college we were walking with another mate down a narrow corridoor, mumless in front, me next and the third mate behind us, I said something and mumless turns around and says 'I worry about you sometimes Matt' and I go 'Thats nice, not even my own mum cares about me' He didn't turn around again, just put his head down and walked into the room. Took a few seconds but I turned back to the third and was like 'Whats up with hi- oh shit'

[Paulie Dangerously]

Our kid (ChickenLicken) was on the train as a littleun with our dad when what Old Man Dangerously describes as "the biggest black fella you'll ever see" boards the carriage. The story goes that ChickenLicken then shouted excitedly "Look dad, its Frank Bruno!"

[Carvalho Diablo]

Our kid (ChickenLicken) was on the train as a littleun with our dad when what Old Man Dangerously describes as "the biggest black fella you'll ever see" boards the carriage. The story goes that ChickenLicken then shouted excitedly "Look dad, its Frank Bruno!"

 

Purple Aki ???

[Bjornebye]

On 28/12/2011 at 22:39, Chairman Meow said:

On Christmas day was round at my mates. His missus was having a glass of wine, perfect time for muggins here who has no idea she has had a miscarriage to ask "should you be having a drink in your condition?"

Fuck. Ing. Hell. 

 

I'd have had to leave. 

On 29/12/2011 at 03:41, Pidge said:

I accidentally patted a dwarf on the head at a crass gig. I was going to pat him on the shoulder because he just said something funny and missed in my drunken state. It was awkward. I mean, it was like three pats before I could stop myself...

 

I also recently referred to a proper live person as a "dwarf".

I remember being rotten drunk at a gig and some fella stood near us was a ringer for Sebastien Chabal the big hard French union player with the big beard and long hair. I kept telling him this over and over and then grabbing random people and asking do they want a picture with Chabal. I thought he was milking it but about 10 minutes into it my mate pulled me away and started walking me through the crowd away from him. Apparently this fella had swung a punch at me that I had somehow dodged and then completely ignored and carried on with my routine. I thought he was loving it the cunt. 

 

Even funnier the next day on the way home in the car everyone telling me that in-fact he looked fuck all like Chabal he just had a beard and scraggly hair. 

[Bruce Spanner]

The kid thing happened to me a couple of years back.

 

A mate in our larger circle of friends who I see once/twice a year, really nice guy.

 

Sat having a few drink, nice and relaxed, started talking about how great it was being a dad etc, like you do.

 

Anyhow's I turn to him without thinking and say 'You'll love it when it's your time' not knowing his grlfriend had just suffered a late term miscarrige the week before and the reason he was here was to cheer him up. No fucker told me until after and I had no idea they were having a kid.

 

The world could have swallowed me up!

 

All's well, they finally had a kid earlier this year and are really happy now after several miscarriges.

[sir roger]

51 minutes ago, Bruce Spanner said:

The kid thing happened to me a couple of years back.

 

A mate in our larger circle of friends who I see once/twice a year, really nice guy.

 

Sat having a few drink, nice and relaxed, started talking about how great it was being a dad etc, like you do.

 

Anyhow's I turn to him without thinking and say 'You'll love it when it's your time' not knowing his grlfriend had just suffered a late term miscarrige the week before and the reason he was here was to cheer him up. No fucker told me until after and I had no idea they were having a kid.

 

The world could have swallowed me up!

 

All's well, they finally had a kid earlier this year and are really happy now after several miscarriges.

But still not speaking to you ?

[Dr Nowt]

A near miss this weekend. A good mate of mine’s mum has just fallen down the stairs and died. She suffered horrendous injuries and I’m genuinely upset for him and his family, brutal stuff. That didn’t stop me thinking ‘Fucking hell, must have sounded like Eastenders had just finished’ as he told me. Thankfully managed to filter the thought and not share that nugget with him as I provided my sincere condolences.

[Bjornebye]

50 minutes ago, Dr Nowt said:

A near miss this weekend. A good mate of mine’s mum has just fallen down the stairs and died. She suffered horrendous injuries and I’m genuinely upset for him and his family, brutal stuff. That didn’t stop me thinking ‘Fucking hell, must have sounded like Eastenders had just finished’ as he told me. Thankfully managed to filter the thought and not share that nugget with him as I provided my sincere condolences.

You absolute bastard. Dark humour at its tip 

[Red_or_Dead]

When I was at college I used to work in Netto - £2 an hour, cunts.

 

Anyway one day we are filling the frozen food up and some woman starts just taken boxes of frozen chips straight off the pallet straight into her trolley.  As it was back in the 90s you were only allowed maximum of six of one items.  I told her this and she barks that "Mark Callan says I can have what I want", fair enough I reply as Callan was the area manager and an absolute cunt.

 

A day or two later on another shift I am telling this story to this lad Chris - "so, this fucking pig was telling me that Callan said she could have what she wanted".  "That's my mum" he replied.

 

He was a big lad, and I was (still am) a streak of piss, so he could've easily twatted me, but he didn't.

 

All's well that ends well:

 

https://www.theboltonnews.co.uk/news/6159664.tragic-death-of-rugby-player-33/

 

Apparently they put up a plaque in the shop for him - thankfully it is gone these days!

 

 

[Chr15]

I was asked to be a pall bearer for my then partners mother. After the funeral my G/Fs brother came up and thanked me for carrying the coffin.  Being a polite fucker I heard myself reply 'It's ok. It was a pleasure". He walked away before I could explain that I meant to say "honour" not "pleasure'