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Instant cunt identifiers

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1 hour ago, Captain Turdseye said:

Knocking at someone’s house first thing in the morning for no good reason. 
 

Ex-copper who lives behind us was at our door with a signature ex-copper knock before 7am this morning asking me for the number of the fella who did some work for us in the back garden last week. “Oh, sorry. Did I wake you up?” Prick. Even worse is that to see into our garden he must have to go up to his top window and push one cheek against the ceiling, just to be able to peek over our wall and judge the quality of the work for himself. Surely to fuck if he’s following us that closely he’d have noticed the upstairs & downstairs curtains still closed. At 7am. On a Monday. In the school holidays. Prick. 
 

The garden fella asked us not to recommend him to anyone because he’s got so much going on as well as his regular jobs, but I’ll text him and say I’m giving copper the number because he’s put me on the spot. Then I’m gonna wait until all his lights are off tonight before I go and knock on his door. 

You expect a copper to have some nouse?

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Women who start cleaning the house on their day off.
 

By doing so they are interrupting the Olympics television viewing of their long suffering partner, who is attempting to combine napping on the sofa, with supporting Team GB’s medal chase in the gymnastics. 

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3 minutes ago, YorkshireRed said:

Women who start cleaning the house on their day off.
 

By doing so they are interrupting the Olympics television viewing of their long suffering partner, who is attempting to combine napping on the sofa, with supporting Team GB’s medal chase in the gymnastics. 

Nah, cleaning is boss. I’ve watched some of the Olympics, but it’s shit without crowds.

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3 hours ago, Captain Turdseye said:

Knocking at someone’s house first thing in the morning for no good reason. 
 

Ex-copper who lives behind us was at our door with a signature ex-copper knock before 7am this morning asking me for the number of the fella who did some work for us in the back garden last week. “Oh, sorry. Did I wake you up?” Prick. Even worse is that to see into our garden he must have to go up to his top window and push one cheek against the ceiling, just to be able to peek over our wall and judge the quality of the work for himself. Surely to fuck if he’s following us that closely he’d have noticed the upstairs & downstairs curtains still closed. At 7am. On a Monday. In the school holidays. Prick. 
 

The garden fella asked us not to recommend him to anyone because he’s got so much going on as well as his regular jobs, but I’ll text him and say I’m giving copper the number because he’s put me on the spot. Then I’m gonna wait until all his lights are off tonight before I go and knock on his door. 

Haha, yeah at midnight…

 

”I sent that fella a text saying I’d spoken to you”

 

 

18DC407B-8D6C-4F57-B278-DA43827FB2DA.gif

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Brothers stag do today, looking forward to it like a hole in the head.

 

Me and my brother are like chalk and cheese, I’m the cool, urbane, cultured, literate charming cunt and well, he’s not quite that.

 

Anyhows I’ve not met most of his mates, but will be in about an hour, but I already know they’re all cunts as they’re already talking in the group chat about how much, cheap shite, blow they’re going to go though.

 

Warning signs right there…

 

Oh, I have a stinking whisky hangover to set me up for a day with the problem chimps, fuck today.

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3 minutes ago, Bruce Spanner said:

Brothers stag do today, looking forward to it like a hole in the head.

 

Me and my brother are like chalk and cheese, I’m the cool, urbane, cultured, literate charming cunt and well, he’s not quite that.

 

Anyhows I’ve not met most of his mates, but will be in about an hour, but I already know they’re all cunts as they’re already talking in the group chat about how much, cheap shite, blow they’re going to go though.

 

Warning signs right there…

 

Oh, I have a stinking whisky hangover to set me up for a day with the problem chimps, fuck today.

 

David_Brent.jpg

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13 minutes ago, Bruce Spanner said:

Brothers stag do today, looking forward to it like a hole in the head.

 

Me and my brother are like chalk and cheese, I’m the cool, urbane, cultured, literate charming cunt and well, he’s not quite that.

 

Anyhows I’ve not met most of his mates, but will be in about an hour, but I already know they’re all cunts as they’re already talking in the group chat about how much, cheap shite, blow they’re going to go though.

 

Warning signs right there…

 

Oh, I have a stinking whisky hangover to set me up for a day with the problem chimps, fuck today.

Couple of stripes will blow that whiskey hangover away mate

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People who block traffic to turn into a drive-thru that is clearly already jampacked. Are you really THAT desperate for a 'Maccy D's"?

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Just now, Trumo said:

People who block traffic to turn into a drive-thru that is clearly already jampacked. Are you really THAT desperate for a 'Maccy D's"?

Opposite the showcase? Yes. Fat cunts 

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Used to go to a gym over the water which seemed to have a plague of juice heads wearing vests, oversized headphones,back to front caps and shite trainees.

 

Nasty

 

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7 minutes ago, Arniepie said:

Used to go to a gym over the water which seemed to have a plague of juice heads wearing vests, oversized headphones,back to front caps and shite trainees.

 

Nasty

 

Those fucking vests that are purposely made to look like they’ve been stretched out and hang off them too? I fucking hate them things. The neck hanging down and the nipples are out - “WHAT’S THE POINT?!”

 

Theyve usually got those fucking skin tight shit black trackies on too. With high tops. CUNTS

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Impatient people who give shit to others when they feel they've been mildly inconvenienced.

 

Was down the beach today, and some fella couldn't help making a snide remark after a woman with two toddlers took a while ordering an ice cream for her kid with allergies. Poor woman left in tears. It's like some people are born without empathy. A grade A latte-ordering sandal-wearing cunt.

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3 minutes ago, Babb'sBurstNad said:

Impatient people who give shit to others when they feel they've been mildly inconvenienced.

 

Was down the beach today, and some fella couldn't help making a snide remark after a woman with two toddlers took a while ordering an ice cream for her kid with allergies. Poor woman left in tears. It's like some people are born without empathy. A grade A latte-ordering sandal-wearing cunt.

Did you throw your hat at him like Oddjob?

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12 minutes ago, Babb'sBurstNad said:

Impatient people who give shit to others when they feel they've been mildly inconvenienced.

 

Was down the beach today, and some fella couldn't help making a snide remark after a woman with two toddlers took a while ordering an ice cream for her kid with allergies. Poor woman left in tears. It's like some people are born without empathy. A grade A latte-ordering sandal-wearing cunt.

Jelly sandals and socks?

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4 minutes ago, Babb'sBurstNad said:

No, I didn't want to lose my place in the queue. But he felt the wrath of my tutting at an almost audible level.

Good work. That will have made prison napalm feel like After Sun.

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19 minutes ago, Babb'sBurstNad said:

Impatient people who give shit to others when they feel they've been mildly inconvenienced.

 

Was down the beach today, and some fella couldn't help making a snide remark after a woman with two toddlers took a while ordering an ice cream for her kid with allergies. Poor woman left in tears. It's like some people are born without empathy. A grade A latte-ordering sandal-wearing cunt.

What did the kid end up getting? A gluten-free cone?

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14 minutes ago, Tony Moanero said:

Jelly sandals and socks?

 

No, just some velcro things, no socks. I object to having to see another man's toes.

 

7 minutes ago, Elite said:

What did the kid end up getting? A gluten-free cone?

Nothing, sadly. 

 

I got a cherry Pepsi and a Feast though. They'd run out of candy floss.

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16 minutes ago, Elite said:

What did the kid end up getting?

Given there was a man desiring candyfloss and cherry Pepsi stood behind them, the likely answer here is ‘snatched’.

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7 minutes ago, Babb'sBurstNad said:

 

No, just some velcro things, no socks. I object to having to see another man's toes.

 

Nothing, sadly. 

 

I got a cherry Pepsi and a Feast though. They'd run out of candy floss.

Poor kid. 

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Just now, Dr Nowt said:

Given there was a man desiring candyfloss and cherry Pepsi stood behind them, the likely answer here is ‘snatched’.

There's only one reason a man needs many hats, child-snatching. No offense Babb.

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11 minutes ago, Babb'sBurstNad said:

 

No, just some velcro things, no socks. I object to having to see another man's toes.

 

Nothing, sadly. 

 

I got a cherry Pepsi and a Feast though. They'd run out of candy floss.

Mint?

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