Instant cunt identifiers

[ZonkoVille77]

My missus cousin who I've never met before has come over from Oz for a few weeks to visit family, and visits us yesterday.

 

Comes into my living room and we exchange the usual pleasantries etc. I instantly don't like the prick. Then to prove my point he immediately picks up my guitar and starts playing some poxy riff over our conversation. The look I gave my wife said it all as she instantly made excuses to leave the room and head out to the garden. I was fit to twat the cunt. Had to bite my tongue for 2 long hours afterwards.

 

"We'll meet for a pint, mate? Yea?"

 

Will we fuck, you cats piss stain.

[General Dryness]

Never pick up someone else's guitar and play it without express consent. Crime on a par with going three fingers to the knuckle in your wife's ringpiece in front of your face. The fucking audacity of it.

[Section_31]

Never pick up someone else's guitar and play it without express consent. Crime on a par with going three fingers to the knuckle in your wife's ringpiece in front of your face. The fucking audacity of it.

Agreed, and I don't even play guitar.

 

Australians are fucked up anyway, you're talking about a race of people who invented a weapon that's designed to come back and hit you in the face.

[Champ]

My missus cousin who I've never met before has come over from Oz for a few weeks to visit family, and visits us yesterday.

Comes into my living room and we exchange the usual pleasantries etc. I instantly don't like the prick. Then to prove my point he immediately picks up my guitar and starts playing some poxy riff over our conversation. The look I gave my wife said it all as she instantly made excuses to leave the room and head out to the garden. I was fit to twat the cunt. Had to bite my tongue for 2 long hours afterwards.

"We'll meet for a pint, mate? Yea?"

Will we fuck, you cats piss stain.

House rules for visitors.

 

1. Do not pick stuff up until invited

[Harry Squatter]

Krakow is boss mate you'll love it. 

 

I think stag do's are fucking ace personally.

Stag do's are ace but if half the world goes it is normally shit. My mate had one in town and I thought it was going to be shit. We went to dreamers on Old Hall Street and my mate used to deliver gas bottles to the place. The manager gave us 200 lapdance vouchers which was genius, the money we saved we spent on getting shitfaced and having a meal in Chinatown at 4 am.

[lifetime fan]

Didn't have a stag do last time and won't this time.

 

I'll just have a series of nights out with different groups of mates and shoot off to Devon for the weekend with my dad and brother for a few rounds of golf and a piss up.

 

Sorted.

[Paulie Dangerously]

Only been on good stag dos myself but never abroad. Got one in Frankfurt in October and about 20 are going of whom I know only 2 on any proper level. I reckon the level of banter is going to cause a rift in space and time.

[Section_31]

Stag do's are very hit and miss, the best ones are where you go with your genuine mates, a lot seem to be a numbers game these days. 

 

'Going Benidorm with 30 lads, only six of whom I actually know'. 

 

Baffling. 

[Remmie]

The descriptions of stag do's on this thread are vastly different from my experiences.

[Harry Squatter]

One of my mates would latch onto any stag do going. One lad in my footy team who kept himself to himself had one in Blackpool yet my mate latched onto that, didnt know anyone at all. I told him that he should just go into town the week after and latch onto any random group of lads.

[VladimirIlyich]

Stag dos are shit because it means you are going to be castrated very soon.

[bouncebrigade]

Anybody who says "lover of life" on their social media profile should be fed to a pack of wild African dogs.

[General Dryness]

Anybody who says "lover of life" on their social media profile should be fed to a pack of wild African dogs.

 

Ditto for "Educated at the University of Life". 

 

Translation : Left school with one GCSE. In metalwork.

[Bjornebye]

As bad as the cunts who post thing like "Got the travel bug" or "if travel was free you wouldn't see me for dust" like they are the only cunt ever to have been to Australia. In-fact the majority of cunts who go travelling then come back and instantly put themselves on a pedestal. And its all they fucking talk about.

 

 

I'm off to a stag-do in Bristol in July. few days up there with clay pigeon shooting involved. The lad whose stag it is had a BBQ on Saturday and I met a few of his other mates who are going for the first time. Its gonna be shit.

[lifetime fan]

As bad as the cunts who post thing like "Got the travel bug" or "if travel was free you wouldn't see me for dust" like they are the only cunt ever to have been to Australia. In-fact the majority of cunts who go travelling then come back and instantly put themselves on a pedestal. And its all they fucking talk about.

 

 

I'm off to a stag-do in Bristol in July. few days up there with clay pigeon shooting involved. The lad whose stag it is had a BBQ on Saturday and I met a few of his other mates who are going for the first time. Its gonna be shit.

Know where you're going mate?

[Bjornebye]

No idea yet mate i'll message you nearer the time for tips

[Harry Squatter]

As bad as the cunts who post thing like "Got the travel bug" or "if travel was free you wouldn't see me for dust" like they are the only cunt ever to have been to Australia. In-fact the majority of cunts who go travelling then come back and instantly put themselves on a pedestal. And its all they fucking talk about.

 

 

I'm off to a stag-do in Bristol in July. few days up there with clay pigeon shooting involved. The lad whose stag it is had a BBQ on Saturday and I met a few of his other mates who are going for the first time. Its gonna be shit.

Some girl I know went to Las Vegas for a week and came back acting like she was the Dutch explorer who discovered Easter Island. You'd think she was the only person who had been there.

[Section_31]

Anybody who says "lover of life" on their social media profile should be fed to a pack of wild African dogs.

Very much a female trait these days, see it all over Facebook and online dating.

 

"One life, live it!"

 

Thanks, but I don't take advice from Budha in rose gold lipsy bracelets.

 

They usually always 'love their job' too.

 

I'd only love my job if I was a porn star.

[lifetime fan]

No idea yet mate i'll message you nearer the time for tips

Make sure you take plenty of cash if you're wanting strippers with their cunts out, you'll be looking at £80 for a 3 minute dance.

[Harry Squatter]

Very much a female trait these days, see it all over Facebook and online dating.

 

"One life, live it!"

 

Thanks, but I don't take advice from Budha in rose gold lipsy bracelets.

 

They usually always 'love their job' too.

 

I'd only love my job if I was a porn star.

One life - live it whilst taking tons of photos on a night out and loading them all up on Facebook at four or five stages of the night.

[Mook]

As bad as the cunts who post thing like "Got the travel bug" or "if travel was free you wouldn't see me for dust" like they are the only cunt ever to have been to Australia. In-fact the majority of cunts who go travelling then come back and instantly put themselves on a pedestal. And its all they fucking talk about.

 

 

I'm off to a stag-do in Bristol in July. few days up there with clay pigeon shooting involved. The lad whose stag it is had a BBQ on Saturday and I met a few of his other mates who are going for the first time. Its gonna be shit.

 

My ex had this mate who'd been travelling for months & when I met her she asked where I worked & when I said the Bank of Scotland she started, 'How can you work for such an unethical organisation?', 'I could never work for a bank' blah blah blah, looking right down her nose at me.

 

Aye well, some people actually have to go to work while you're off swanning around Asia on your Mummy & Daddy's Coutts card you fucking twat.

[lifetime fan]

Anyone who uses the word sick to describe something good.

 

It makes my ears bleed.

[Bjornebye]

sick rant that lad

[Shitty Arse]

Side partings shaved into people's hair.

Tattoos

Bracelets, wristbands (on lads)

Espadrilles

People who use the phrase "good times"

Tory voters.

Any cunt that goes the match or music gigs and feels it's essential to record it on their smart phones.

That's just for openers....

[Shitty Arse]

People who look down their noses at you when you're having a Portuguese breakfast