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When i'm at a funeral and they're lowering the casket into the grave all I can think of is Frank Grimes funeral in the Simpsons where Homer's asleep, drooling and shouts out " Change the channel Marge". I swear to God it's all I can do these days to stop bursting into hysterics.

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He tried to treat his own injuries by running a cold bath to soothe his burnt skin, but after half and hour his body temperature plummeted and he went into shock.

 

brilliant

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My Nans brother died when he went down some steps in his mobilty scotter went down a couple of stairs and he fell out with it landing on top of him,glad i wasnt there when my nan told me mum as i pissed myself when she told me,mind you so was she,never met the man.

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Funerals can be hard not to laugh at (sometimes) - don't know if it's the tension because you're 'not meant to' or what, but...

 

My uncle Henry in America, his mother-in-law died and they had the open casket thing. He and all the immediate family walked up in front of everyone to pay their respects and he just gets up there, waits and says 'Hmmm. So that's what she looks like with her mouth shut...'

 

Made me larf anyway.

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Sword-Wielding Osama-Hunter Looking in the Right Place? | Danger Room | Wired.com.

 

Well I laughed, Rambo V in the flesh.

 

Sword-Wielding Osama-Hunter Looking in the Right Place?

 

* By admin Email Author

* June 15, 2010 |

* 11:36 am |

* Categories: Bizarro

*

 

By ‘The Security Crank’

 

American construction worker and wannabe terrorist-slayer Gary Brooks Faulkner may have taken an unorthodox approach in his one-man hunt for Osama bin Laden. But he was probably looking in the right place.

 

Faulkner was arrested by the Pakistani police today in Chitral District (pictured), a part of the newly renamed Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa Province (née the North West Frontier Province). “He says that he is a kidney patient. He was also carrying medicines for kidney and blood pressure treatment,” Mumtaz Ahmed, a senior police investigator, said.

 

That’s not all he was carrying. Ten days after checking into his hotel and receiving a customary police escort (which is typical for westerners traveling in this part of Pakistan), Faulker snuck out, heading towards the border with Afghanistan. When the Pakistani police caught up with him, in the Brumboret Valley, Faulkner was packing “a pistol, a dagger and a sword, carrying night-vision goggles, a night-vision camera and religious literature on Christianity.” When questioned after his arrest, Faulkner replied, “God is with me, and I am confident I will be successful in killing [bin Laden].”

 

Faulkner might not have been that far from his prey. He was trying to enter Nuristan, a region the U.S. military decided to abandon last year as being too remote and indefensible, and widely considered a Taliban stronghold. Rumors of bin Laden’s presence in this area abound: As recently as last year, U.S. officials were speculating Osama might be hiding in the mountains of Chitral or just across the border in Nuristan.

 

While Nuristan remains generally controlled by the Taliban, the eastern Bargimatal district, along the border with Chitral is still hotly contested by Afghan security forces. (control of Bargimatal has changed back and forth from insurgents and Coalition forces for the past year.)

 

Nuristan is faced with a pastiche of insurgent groups, some Pakistani in origin, such as Lashkar-e Toiba, and some Afghan in origin, like Hizb-i Islami Gulbuddin. Eastern Nuristan is so much more violent than Chitral, it’s unlikely bin Laden would shelter himself there, rather than somewhere in Chitral, if given the choice.

 

This particular part of Chitral has a vibrant history. It was famous as a hiker’s paradise until 2001 or so, when Islamists began threatening and sometimes assaulting vacationers. In September of last year, Athanasios Lerounis, a Greek citizen who’d run a local museum for years, was abducted from the same area by the Taliban, who killed his police escort in the process. They brought him into Nuristan. (Lerounis was freed in April and returned to Greece.)

 

Greeks have long been drawn to the western part of Chitral District because of the Kalasha, a unique polytheistic people who live in the Brumboret area of Chitral. There are some ridiculous rumors about them, including the belief that they are descended from Alexander the Great — which explains why there was a Greek man working at the museum. Generally, they are left undisturbed, and have remained separate from the rest of mainstream Pakistani culture.

 

The Taliban have been relentlessly harassing and threatening the Kalasha to convert to Islam for the last several years; the process bears an eerie resemblance to Abdur Rahman Khan’s conquest of modern-day Nuristan in 1895.

 

In what was then known as Kafiristan, “Land of the Infidels,” Rahman Khan executed a bloody campaign of massacres, abductions and forced conversions, renaming the area Nuristan (“Land of the Enlightened”). The Kalasha of Chitralwere were spared from the fighting because they lived on the other side of the Durand Line, and Rahman Khan didn’t want to risk angering the British, who controlled the area.

 

There is a lot of speculation that bin Laden might be hiding amongst the Kalasha, though this doesn’t seem very likely: They’re just not interested in jihad, and it is because of militant Islamists that their unique culture is facing extinction. It’s one reason Gary Faulkner was able to travel around the area relatively freely — according to Pakistani officials, this was his third trip.

 

As for Faulkner himself, it’s difficult to decide whether he’s a campy hero, a loon or just incredibly stupid. He’s probably all three. Especially given the difficulties the U.S. has had in tracking down bin Laden — superhigh-resolution imagery of the border region, now on Google Earth, hasn’t shown us where he’s hiding — maybe Faulkner is onto something?

 

Special Forces have a hard-enough time finding any Taliban inside Afghanistan, to say nothing of Northwest Pakistan. Maybe Faulkner was our best shot at locating the man behind al-Qaida.

 

Which of course raises one last question to this whole bizarre, awesome affair: Why did Pakistan arrest him?

 

The Security Crank is a worker bee lost in the endless bureaucracy of the U.S. national security establishment.

 

Photo: Wikimedia

 

Read More Sword-Wielding Osama-Hunter Looking in the Right Place? | Danger Room | Wired.com

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I'm sat there tonight reading the paper as some people come in to the bed opposite, there's this 7 or 8 year old with what seems like the entire family around. Baring in mind this is a neurology ward.... anyway it went something like this...

 

Nan : hows he doing (nan is no more then 50 at a push)

 

Dad: he's doing alright, blah blah blah getting some tests and so on...

 

Nan: you know i went to that fortune teller a while ago?

 

Dad: yeah

 

Nan: well she said one of you was allergic to yeast

 

Dad: oh yeah

 

Nan:yeah, i thought it was you she was on about, it's not, it's him, that's why he's in here (meaning kid in the bed) at this point i'm trying desperately hard not to piss myself laughing an i'm actually covering my face with the paper and teasing my own kid to try and mask what i'm actually laughing at. I cannot emphasize just how serious this conversation with them all was.

 

Dad: right,

 

Nan, you better tell the doctors as it could be that, you know, what the fortune teller said, it's important. *dad leaves the bay*

 

Fuck me it's some of the funniest shit i've seen this week. If he did tell the nurses they have my highest praise for holding a straight face because even now i'm sat here chuckling.

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must reitarate the calls for disabled people

 

this ones 2 birds with one stone, i was at a sporting event that we all love and can not mention on here and there was a minutes silence, i was stood next to a disabled person and everythings quiet until about 5 seconds in he turns around and says "its a minutes silence" in a very stereotypical disabled persons voice and i took all my willpower to not start pissing myself until the minute had finished

 

another disabled person one, was walking through town with a mate and a disabled person walked past and my mate started laughing at him, the disabled person just did a really sarcastic sounding mong laugh back at him and i've never let my mate forget "he was ripped by a downer"

 

then once when i was about 14, was in town with a fairly big group of mates on a really snowy day when an elderly lady slipped on the ice right in front of us, everyone looks and sees about ten teenage lads in hoodys and all that right behind her and one mate who is usually really sensible and intelligant just came out with "we didnt push her" and none of us could contain ourselves

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The best I have recently...

 

..every year I take 30 school children up to the Lakes for a residential - lots of hill walking and such. This year we had a young lass that had some issues walking from a young age and had an unusual walking style. When the coach driver picked us up to come home, he asked me how all the children had gone on and coped with the walking. I said great - they had all done brilliantly...he said "..what about that lame girl.."...fuck me how I didn't laugh in his face. His face was a picture - dead serious and concerned.

 

You cannot beat the humour that comes from immensley thick people.

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The best I have recently...

 

..every year I take 30 school children up to the Lakes for a residential - lots of hill walking and such. This year we had a young lass that had some issues walking from a young age and had an unusual walking style. When the coach driver picked us up to come home, he asked me how all the children had gone on and coped with the walking. I said great - they had all done brilliantly...he said "..what about that lame girl.."...fuck me how I didn't laugh in his face. His face was a picture - dead serious and concerned.

 

You cannot beat the humour that comes from immensley thick people.

awesomeo.jpg

LA-A-AME!

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A mate of mine does a lot of work for charity, he's running a total of 100kms in various races round the north for the Alzheimers Society. He's in the Stockport Express this week and the following is a quote from the article;

 

"I think the Alzheimers Society is a charity that's often forgotten about"

 

Well it made me laugh anyway.

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Back when my Nan was in hospital with Kidney Stones, she was hallucinating like god knows what. Pretending people where there when they weren't etc.

 

Although the funniest hallucination she had was that she saw a black Nurse doing rhythmic chanting and throwing patients across the room and break dancing.

 

She's alright now, but apparently in her sleep all she was shouting was 'racial slurs'.

 

Proper mental me Nan.

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Back when my Nan was in hospital with Kidney Stones, she was hallucinating like god knows what. Pretending people where there when they weren't etc.

 

Although the funniest hallucination she had was that she saw a black Nurse doing rhythmic chanting and throwing patients across the room and break dancing.

 

She's alright now, but apparently in her sleep all she was shouting was 'racial slurs'.

 

Proper mental me Nan.

 

My grampher was actually sectioned he was that bankers last year, anyway he used to be a right dirty bastard in his younger days and no one can believe my nan put up with him all this time.

 

I'm visiting him in hospital and all the deaf cunt can go on about at the top of his voice is how "that darkie nurse fancies me", the "darkie nurse could give me a bed bath".

 

This is when she's three foot away at the bed next to his.

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My Nan is actually not racist which is the funny thing, she's just incredibly stubborn and that plus Kidney Stones made something deep dark and lying come out.

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Put this in the world of women thread but it deserves another outing.

 

 

Slightly off topic but here is probably the best place to post this.

 

Had to do granny sitting last night (she recently had another mini stroke) and was watching the national lottery with her.

 

Nan turns to me and says "Did you know Dale Winton was one of those queers"?

 

Before I've stopped laughing she says "Am I not allowed to call the poofs queers"?

 

 

http://www.liverpoolway.co.uk/forum/gf-general-forum/84283-world-woman-21.html

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My Nan is actually not racist which is the funny thing, she's just incredibly stubborn and that plus Kidney Stones made something deep dark and lying come out.

 

My grampher is just ignorant rather than racist.

 

Much like many old people.

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I work with young people with behavioural issues and learning difficulties and we had this kid on a course a good few months back who was about 14 with proper severe ADHD, and he was also pretty autistic as well. Little ginger lad with braces on his teeth, the type of kid who turns up with half the beans off his breakfast still on his face and snot running from his nose caked in mud, he was quality. Completely on another planet but some of the one liners he used to come out with were fucking brilliant.

We were on the way back from climbing and this other kids sitting in the back of the van with meself and little ginger (Jack his name is) and he starts talking about his mum who had died and how she was a gambling addict and was gonna bet the house and everything they owned the night before she died. I'm sitting there thinking shit me this is a bit deep for a 13 year old to be telling people and trying to sound and look all sympathetic and that.

Jack who's staring blank faced at the other lad says 'Why?' to which the other lad responds with proper heat in his voice, going red and eveything ' Because she was addicted, she was a fucking addict, she cared more about betting than she did about me and me dad'

 

Jack stares blank faced for about 5 seconds and responds with total sincerity, 'Yeh but did she have a good hand?'

 

Fucking Genius

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A mate's Nan was going bonkers and came to live with his family. One night his Dad had some work colleagues for dinner and Nan,being mostly lucid at the time ,joined them. She was silent throughout the meal until she said to her very respectable and middle-aged son, "John,why don't you pull yourself into the fishtank and we can watch the fish eat your spunk?".

In a very cultivated accent.

My mate and his brother were ordered from the room so they ran into the backyard and literally rolled on the ground laughing.

They put her in a home shortly after,when she started propositioning her grandsons for sex and masturbating in church.

Way to go Nan!

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I have an austistic brother whos come out with a few classics.

 

A few years back we had a group of cousins round for dinner, they were all girls. At the dinnertable, one of them asked him did he have a girlfriend to which he replied no.

But then a few seconds later when the table was dead silent he goes

"Its ok though I can always have a wank when i want"

 

Another one was we were at a Thai restaurant around the time of the Tsunami and he says out loud in front of about 5 Thai waiters

"Santa couldnt make it to the far east this year so he sent a big wave"

 

Fuck i nearly died laughing.

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I see a fair few at work.

 

About five years ago an urgent call came in at work about a young lad that had gone missing. He was about eight years old and had Down Syndrome. Pretty much the whole shift were out looking for him, with myself and a mate on Shift going to see the parents to gather as much information as possible about where he may have gone. By this time about ten Officer's plus the lad's friends and family were out looking.

 

After about twenty minutes a car pulls up outside as we're stood on the front lawn. The car comes to a stop and this young lad with Down Syndrome bolts out of the rear passenger door and up the driveway. My colleague said in a really happy, relieved voice: "HERE HE IS!".

 

Turns out it was the School friend of the missing lad, who also had the condition, and not the missing boy! The timing was impeccable.

 

Happy ending though, the missing lad turned up half an hour or so later in a nearby park.

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Guest TesticleOReilly
I see a fair few at work.

 

About five years ago an urgent call came in at work about a young lad that had gone missing. He was about eight years old and had Down Syndrome. Pretty much the whole shift were out looking for him, with myself and a mate on Shift going to see the parents to gather as much information as possible about where he may have gone. By this time about ten Officer's plus the lad's friends and family were out looking.

 

After about twenty minutes a car pulls up outside as we're stood on the front lawn. The car comes to a stop and this young lad with Down Syndrome bolts out of the rear passenger door and up the driveway. My colleague said in a really happy, relieved voice: "HERE HE IS!".

 

Turns out it was the School friend of the missing lad, who also had the condition, and not the missing boy! The timing was impeccable.

 

Happy ending though, the missing lad turned up half an hour or so later in a nearby park.

 

I dunno, y'wait ages, then 2 come along at once.

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