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When people use the word vegetable to describe someone with brain damage or whatever. Some bloke came to fit our blinds a few weeks back and my mum asked how his mum was, he said she wasn't good; "Practically a vegetable now" and I had to turn my music up I was laughing so bad. Simple things for simple minds I know, but anything like that cracks me up. Disability awareness day was a nightmare.

 

Doesn't help that our mother has actually worked with the disabled for 20 years and often brings her patients home.

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When I was in hospital with a broken leg another chap was in with a similar problem. We got to the point of betting on who would get out first with a tenner for the winner. He got the all clear to go home and I was nowhere near leaving so I gave him the tenner.

5 hours later he was back in the same bed having slipped on his crutches on the stairs and breaking the other leg.

I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of bed.

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Got 2 belters for you, one of which has just happened in my local Tesco store.

I was just walking around Tesco picking up some bits for lunch tomorrow when a young lady who was stood looking on the lower shelves at cold meat with her arms full of shopping, suddenly and without warning, faceplanted herself into the aforementioned shelves. A few staff and some other customers rushed to her aid having only heard the crash. I on the other hand went the other way trying desperately not to piss myself in the middle of the shop.

 

The second happened a few years ago to a close friend of mine and his girlfriend. He was in the chemist when an old lady was helped in with blodd all over her face, he had no idea what had happened until he went outside to find his girlfriend with the look of someone who is trying so hard not to burst out laughing.

When he asked what was wrong she explained that the old lady that had been helped into the shop had passed her on the pavement on her way into the shop. But instead of stopping and opening the glass door she walked head first into it poleaxing herself to the pavement.

 

Sometimes life is funnier than fiction and those times are precious.

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When I was in hospital with a broken leg another chap was in with a similar problem. We got to the point of betting on who would get out first with a tenner for the winner. He got the all clear to go home and I was nowhere near leaving so I gave him the tenner.

5 hours later he was back in the same bed having slipped on his crutches on the stairs and breaking the other leg.

I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of bed.

 

Did you go doubles or quits on the bet?

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Did you go doubles or quits on the bet?

 

It would have been quits as he was in traction for 2 months because of the way his "good" leg broke. I did visit him a few times after I got out.

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Guest simon

Today my mum left the gas on some how turned the cooker on and BOOM i tell no lies here it shook the house. Was very lucky but i couldnt help but laugh at my dads reaction.

 

Dad "What the fuck was that"

Mum "Someone left the gas on"

Dad "someone being you, You Peenarse" " You ok"

Mum "Yeah suprised, I was blew into the cupboard"

Dad "The fucking cupboard you and i both know you would of gone through the fucking wall" "Be careful you'll end up killing us all"

Mum "ok"

Dad "what you doing now?"

Mum "Going to put the pies back on"

Dad "Noooooooooo! you Daft cunt Leave it for abit" "Jesus christ" "Simon stop laughing your mum could of knocked Roma over in the shop if that was left longer"

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My mate managed to break both his arms, first one then the other two weeks later. It was immense. i have never laughed so hard in my life.

 

Where you still laughing when he asked you to wipe his arse?

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I once witnessed someone pushing someone in a wheelchair across Dale Street in peak hour traffic. they where practically sprinting at full pelt to avoid being ran over by a bus, when they reached the other side ther person pushing forgot to tilt the chair to get the front wheels over the kerb. The results where spectacular...wheelchair person sprawled all over the pavement....

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When people use the word vegetable to describe someone with brain damage or whatever. Some bloke came to fit our blinds a few weeks back and my mum asked how his mum was, he said she wasn't good; "Practically a vegetable now" and I had to turn my music up I was laughing so bad. Simple things for simple minds I know, but anything like that cracks me up. Disability awareness day was a nightmare.

 

Doesn't help that our mother has actually worked with the disabled for 20 years and often brings her patients home.

 

*Sobs* ''...and now he's in hospital, just lying there like a vegetable!''

...

''Well he can't be too bad if he's doing impressions''

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I used to work part time in Focus in Hunts Cross when I was 16, and they had 2 disabled people who worked there weekends as part of some scheme to get them back to work.

 

Anyway, I was working down one of the aisles when I heard this massive crash, turned out this fella had been stacking paint on the shelves when he had an epileptic fit bringing about 20 tins of paint down on him.

 

Everyone was standing around him, some of the girls who worked there were crying, and he was flopping around on the floor painted red, green and blue and I just had to get off quick because I couldn't help cracking up.

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Anyway, I was working down one of the aisles when I heard this massive crash, turned out this fella had been stacking paint on the shelves when he had an epileptic fit bringing about 20 tins of paint down on him.

 

Everyone was standing around him, some of the girls who worked there were crying, and he was flopping around on the floor painted red, green and blue and I just had to get off quick because I couldn't help cracking up.

Sounds lke he was probably overcome with emulsion himself.

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sometimes in films when im watching them with other people like in Schindlers List, when this jewish guy trying to hide sellotapes himself under the bed and the German soldiers just lift the bed up and blow him away

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I feel a complete twat for finding any amusement at all in this - poor bastard, but it sounds like the tragicomic theme of a Half Man Half Biscuit track, along the lines of 'I've Been Tending The Wrong Grave for 23 Years'.

 

Diver forced to grieve alone for two days after hearing of father's death in decompression tank

 

A deep sea diver who heard news of his father’s death moments after surfacing was forced to spend two days grieving in an isolated decompression tank before being reunited with his family.

 

By Heidi Blake

Published: 7:30AM BST 15 Apr 2010

 

David Ashburn, 34, had to spend 48 hours alone in the steel chamber to avoid the risk of developing potentially fatal decompression sickness – known by divers as “the bends” – after a lengthy dive off the south coast.

 

His friends and family were unable to comfort him as he came to terms with news that his father, John, had died as his Porsche 911 turbo spun off the road.

 

'Hello David. Good dive? 48 hours you're in for isn't it? I'll open the hatch now'/CREAK.

'Not bad actually. Have I missed anything while I've been under?'

'Erm, there's an election debate tonight, volcano in Iceland's fucking up flights. Oh and your dad's dead''/CLUNK

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was going down the lift at work today and standing directly across from me is a bloke with the biggest bulging eyes I've ever seen.

 

Had to look straight at the ground cos I almost pissed myself laughing. I think it's because it was so unexpected to look up and see some bloke staring at you like you've got massive t!ts or something.

 

Gonna have to be on the look out for that bloke around the office from now on...

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sometimes in films when im watching them with other people like in Schindlers List, when this jewish guy trying to hide sellotapes himself under the bed and the German soldiers just lift the bed up and blow him away

 

 

What in the name of frigging scooby do be da boooo is that??? What you going on about chap?

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It would have been quits as he was in traction for 2 months because of the way his "good" leg broke. I did visit him a few times after I got out.

Were you gloating? Doing a little bit of tap-dancing or keepy-uppy by the side of his bed?

 

Would've been worth every penny of that tenner.

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At a funeral with the family. One lad stands up and begins his eulogy...

 

"Steven was a great man blah blah I would like to thank everyone for coming, could we please bow our heads and pray for Steven...."

 

Just then my nan tells my granddad to turn on his hearing aid (as he can't hear any of the service) "No, I can't be bothered" is his reply as the room goes silent...

 

I nearly pissed myself.

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This scene from The Pianist always has me in stitches.

 

[YOUTUBE]H-x7ORzd_XQ[/YOUTUBE]

 

My first reaction was shock, then sick in my stomach................then i started laughing and didn't stop for 5 mins.Don't know why

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Right I either need to grow up or change my sense of humour.

Today I had to go to a "group therapy" meeting with a dietitian. We are all there as we have been trying to lose weight but failed. All was fine until the woman taking the class started going on about how people are fattest. It was all I could do not to piss myself laughing thinking of Jimmy Carr and his fattest gag. It wouldn't be so bad but she said it about 6 times and every time I stiffled a giggling fit.

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A few years a go a good mate of mine and my brothers lost an arm in a motorbike accident, as you can imagine he was in hospital for quite some time.

 

One afternoon my brother and I were visiting Mark and were trying to cheer him up, as my brother was trying to get him to laugh I could see Mark's family approaching the bed from behind my brother so he couldn't see they were there.

 

I should have stared at him so he knew something was up but for some reason I just couldn't. Just as Mark's parents, sister and grandparents were stood right behind my brother he comes out with the line 'it's fucking tragic it's your wanking hand you've lost, you'll have to get your sister to do it for you!'

 

You can imagine the family's reaction, I ran off in physical pain I was laughing so much and the only reason my brother didn't end up in the bed next to him was Mark begging his family to leave him alone.

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