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Ezekiel 25:17

The world of a woman.

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On 20/05/2020 at 23:55, Captain Turdseye said:


The Streets one is about taking E’s at a nightclub. It’s one of @Champ’s favourite songs. 

It is as well

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A couple of years ago my mum wanted to watch a tv series that wasn't on TV so I lent her my firestick showed her how to use it and left her too it. I can't remember what the series was but afterwards she was telling me about it and it pisses her off when they mess with timelines and shift the story about trying to be clever it totally confused her. Turns out she watched the entire series starting from the last episode and working her way through to the first. Can't believe she watched the whole series that way.

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Ha ha ,

 

My wife bought my mum the Band of Brothers DVD for Xmas they both loved war films , and was a bit miffed when my mum said she hadn't really enjoyed it , it was totally disjointed and the ending was rubbish.We were baffled but after a bit of investigation it transpired that my mum had not realised there were 2 episodes on each disc, and had therefore only watched episodes 1/3/5/7/9 and 11..

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Mrs Juniper, standing in front of the cooker holding a pack of Hot Cross Buns.

 

Her "How am I supposed to grill these, they are too big to fit in the toaster"

 

Me "What else do we have in the kitchen? Think about it"

 

Her: "The Microwave?"

 

Shes now grilling them in the oven after I eventually finished laughing. 

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4 hours ago, Juniper said:

Mrs Juniper, standing in front of the cooker holding a pack of Hot Cross Buns.

 

Her "How am I supposed to grill these, they are too big to fit in the toaster"

 

Me "What else do we have in the kitchen? Think about it"

 

Her: "The Microwave?"

 

Shes now grilling them in the oven after I eventually finished laughing. 

I'm stood in the queue at asda also laughing. 

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4 hours ago, Juniper said:

Mrs Juniper, standing in front of the cooker holding a pack of Hot Cross Buns.

 

Her "How am I supposed to grill these, they are too big to fit in the toaster"

 

Me "What else do we have in the kitchen? Think about it"

 

Her: "The Microwave?"

 

Shes now grilling them in the oven after I eventually finished laughing. 

I suspect you don't leave her alone with the baby mate 

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Was painting the living room this afternoon when she suddenly decided to rearrange the sofa, telly and chairs to "make the room look bigger". Now it looks like we've been burgled. She's now accepted that it doesn't make the room look bigger and wants it all moved back to normal tomorrow. 

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*plays the jingle of MrsD's Measurement Mishaps*

 

We needed a bin as our usually method of hanging a bag wasn't working with the puppy. Knowing that her measurement skills are mocked by strangers on a vfootball fan website she did everything right. She decided where she wanted the bin. She got a ruler out and measured the available space in CMs. She found a bin she liked, which matched the right size in the correct unit. Oh how she bragged, smugly unpacking the bin and placing it in it's correct place in the kitchen right by the back door. 

 

The fly in the ointment is that it's a sensor bin and she didn't factor in the range on the thing so now every time someone walks into the yard (which, with a puppy and a near 6 year old is often) it sets the fucking thing off. It's like the mechanical whirr is ridiculing her and the opening bin is a black hole of failure. 

 

It's turned off now. £30 more than a normal bin. 

 

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12 minutes ago, A Red said:

Never heard of a mechanical bin, what sort of witchcraft is this?

You wave your hand in front of it and it opens automatically and then closes a few seconds later. It's just a way to make you pay £60 for a plastic bin 

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Just now, Paulie Dangerously said:

You wave your hand in front of it and it opens automatically and then closes a few seconds later. It's just a way to make you pay £60 for a plastic bin 

Did you keep the receipt?

 

And I'm not talking about the receipt for the bin!

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1 minute ago, Paulie Dangerously said:

You wave your hand in front of it and it opens automatically and then closes a few seconds later. It's just a way to make you pay £60 for a plastic bin 

Cheers, seriously never heard of it.

 

I am thinking though of all that effort and time it must save

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24 minutes ago, A Red said:

Never heard of a mechanical bin, what sort of witchcraft is this?

I have only ever seen one of these twice.

 

The first time was in a food place on Castle St. The idea is the person wanting to dispose of their shite would move their hand over a senor and the handleless bin lid would automatically open and then close. Nobody had a fucking clue it was automatic and relentless manual opening and closing fucked it up.

 

The second time was when my dad bought the exact same one about three years ago because he liked the look of it. To this day, he has no idea it is battery operated and I can't be arsed to tell him.

 

71t33NJnOQL._SX425_.jpg

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50 minutes ago, Paulie Dangerously said:

*plays the jingle of MrsD's Measurement Mishaps*

 

We needed a bin as our usually method of hanging a bag wasn't working with the puppy. Knowing that her measurement skills are mocked by strangers on a vfootball fan website she did everything right. She decided where she wanted the bin. She got a ruler out and measured the available space in CMs. She found a bin she liked, which matched the right size in the correct unit. Oh how she bragged, smugly unpacking the bin and placing it in it's correct place in the kitchen right by the back door. 

 

The fly in the ointment is that it's a sensor bin and she didn't factor in the range on the thing so now every time someone walks into the yard (which, with a puppy and a near 6 year old is often) it sets the fucking thing off. It's like the mechanical whirr is ridiculing her and the opening bin is a black hole of failure. 

 

It's turned off now. £30 more than a normal bin. 

 

Superb. Cheered me right up that. You should keep turning it on when she is in the garden. Just to laugh mockingly when it open as she walks past it. 

 

She'll have something planned for you. 

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The wife watches more TV than I do which often leads to me suggesting to watch something she's already seen, particularly documentaries. There have been things that I explicitly said we could watch together that's she watched without me and given that I don't watch much TV on my own I inevitably end up not watching stuff. 

 

Given I'm currently off sick I thought this would be the perfect time to watch 'The Last Dance', especially as she has absolutely no interest or knowledge of basketball, I even said I was planning to do so. One episode in and it's "Well I really wanted to watch that, can't you find something else to watch." 

 

Are you fucking kidding me?! I've been waiting to find time to watch this for weeks and NOW you say you want to watch it when we could have done so together. Aye aye aye. It's a fucking good job Rick and Morty S4 starts today and that the football is back, I'll be watching more than ever!

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We did a zoom pub quiz earlier. It’s hosted by a mate of hers that isn’t the brightest to put it politely.
 

One of the questions was ‘how many sides have won the premier league? And for a bonus point can you name all

6’. 

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Her mum pissed me off too. 
 

What type of vitamin is ascorbic acid? 
 

Me: It’s vitamin C. 
Her mum: No it’s skin. 
Me: It’s vitamin C, it’s used as a placebo. 
Her mum: No it’s the skin. 
Me: Skin isn’t a vitamin. 
Her mum: It is the skin, I’m from Australia, I know this. 

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13 minutes ago, lifetime fan said:

Her mum pissed me off too. 
 

What type of vitamin is ascorbic acid? 
 

Me: It’s vitamin C. 
Her mum: No it’s skin. 
Me: It’s vitamin C, it’s used as a placebo. 
Her mum: No it’s the skin. 
Me: Skin isn’t a vitamin. 
Her mum: It is the skin, I’m from Australia, I know this. 

 

ActualShadyIlladopsis-small.gif

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2 hours ago, lifetime fan said:

Her mum pissed me off too. 
 

What type of vitamin is ascorbic acid? 
 

Me: It’s vitamin C. 
Her mum: No it’s skin. 
Me: It’s vitamin C, it’s used as a placebo. 
Her mum: No it’s the skin. 
Me: Skin isn’t a vitamin. 
Her mum: It is the skin, I’m from Australia, I know this. 

You must have felt like a fool when she told you she was from Australia 

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19 minutes ago, Remmie said:

You must have felt like a fool when she told you she was from Australia 


She’s a fucking joy thief. 
Her old man is sound, but her mum? Wow. 

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23 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

Been stuck indoors with the Mrs for 13 weeks. Think I'd rather have been captured by isis 

We got our arguments out of the way early doors and now basically move around each other like satellites on valium.

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