The world of a woman.

[Captain Turdseye]

26 minutes ago, Paulie Dangerously said:

LadyD's cousin has just split from her husband. He's been a total dick, infidelity, lies about infidelity, tried to make her seduce him back (da balls on dis guy!) And child abandonment. Basically he's been a right cunt. 

 

4 weeks before our wedding, with the best part of a decade of faithfulness behind me and 4 years of devoted fatherhood, she tearfully made me promise if I ever felt like I wanted an affair to tell her before anything happened. Can imagine how that conversation will go down. 

 

"Lovely dinner dear. Oh by the way, Darling just to let you know that I'm considering slinging it into Jane from the bursars office. Just so you know."

 

My missus says the same. “I’d rather know. I might be alright with it”

 

Considering it now actually after I went into the kitchen cupboard a few minutes ago and found that she’d booby trapped it so an open box of sea salt fell straight out and went all over the place. 

[Oh Buoy]

9 minutes ago, Captain Turdseye said:

 

My missus says the same. “I’d rather know. I might be alright with it”

 

Considering it now actually after I went into the kitchen cupboard a few minutes ago and found that she’d booby trapped it so an open box of sea salt fell straight out and went all over the place. 

What a terrible trap. 

 

I hope you did the honourable thing and drew a penis in it before walking away with a bag of crisps. 

[Jose Jones]

1 hour ago, Paulie Dangerously said:

LadyD's cousin has just split from her husband. He's been a total dick, infidelity, lies about infidelity, tried to make her seduce him back (da balls on dis guy!) And child abandonment. Basically he's been a right cunt. 

 

4 weeks before our wedding, with the best part of a decade of faithfulness behind me and 4 years of devoted fatherhood, she tearfully made me promise if I ever felt like I wanted an affair to tell her before anything happened. Can imagine how that conversation will go down. 

 

"Lovely dinner dear. Oh by the way, Darling just to let you know that I'm considering slinging it into Jane from the bursars office. Just so you know."

Women like nothing more than a whiff of competition to keep them on their toes.

Give it a go, tell her one of the bridesmaids has been catching your eye, and you may be pleasantly surprised by the results!

[3 Stacks]

2 hours ago, Captain Turdseye said:

 

My missus says the same. “I’d rather know. I might be alright with it”

 

Considering it now actually after I went into the kitchen cupboard a few minutes ago and found that she’d booby trapped it so an open box of sea salt fell straight out and went all over the place. 

She said it might be fine if you cheated on her as long as you told her about it? Jeez. 

 

Good time to ask her if she'd be into threesomes or you fucking other women. She got any hot friends? 

[deiseach]

7 hours ago, Captain Turdseye said:

My missus says the same. “I’d rather know. I might be alright with it”

I don't think I've ever seen a word do more heavy lifting than 'might' does there.

[Captain Turdseye]

6 hours ago, 3 Stacks said:

She said it might be fine if you cheated on her as long as you told her about it? Jeez. 

 

Good time to ask her if she'd be into threesomes or you fucking other women. She got any hot friends? 

 

This is a girl who leaves sea salt teetering on the edge of cupboards before shutting them. From now on I’m assuming everything’s a trap. 

 

I’m not a cunt anyway so she can say it safe in the knowledge it’ll never happen. 

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Captain Turdseye said:

 

My missus says the same. “I’d rather know. I might be alright with it”

 

Considering it now actually after I went into the kitchen cupboard a few minutes ago and found that she’d booby trapped it so an open box of sea salt fell straight out and went all over the place. 

[Mook]

Is it just me or when women tell you about a restaurant they've been to, you're still sitting there 20 minutes later listening to every little fucking detail?

 

All I want to know is:-

 

Was it good?

How much did it cost?

 

I don't need to know what cocktail you had or what the fucking table cloth looked like. This morning's half an hour review was completely unprovoked as well, I didn't even ask.

[Elite]

13 minutes ago, Mook said:

Is it just me or when women tell you about a restaurant they've been to, you're still sitting there 20 minutes later listening to every little fucking detail?

 

All I want to know is:-

 

Was it good?

How much did it cost?

 

I don't need to know what cocktail you had or what the fucking table cloth looked like. This morning's half an hour review was completely unprovoked as well, I didn't even ask.

Has you boss been to Maccies?

[Mook]

Just now, Elite said:

Has you boss been to Maccies?

It's not her, it's another one.

 

My boss is down in London today & rather than get some peace I'm getting earache of another bint.

[Elite]

6 minutes ago, Mook said:

It's not her, it's another one.

 

My boss is down in London today & rather than get some peace I'm getting earache of another bint.

Just act completely uninterested, she'll get the point.

 

 

 

Eventually.

[VladimirIlyich]

1 hour ago, Mook said:

It's not her, it's another one.

 

My boss is down in London today & rather than get some peace I'm getting earache of another bint.

Smash er lad.

[TheBitch]

Watching the trailer to Mowgli...

 

Her: Oh I love Jungle Book. 

Me: I'll bet you don't even know the names of the animals. 

Her: Yeah I do. 

Me: Who's that? (The bear)

Her: I dunno. 

Me: It's Baloo. 

Her: Oh yeah. 

Me: Who's that? (The tiger)

Her: Dunno. 

Me: Shere Khan. What about the snake?

Her: I know this...

 

Sirius the snake. 

 

Me: *dies*

[Special K]

We've been arguing all day because we got a Christmas card off an old girl friend and her family this morning. Not an ex, a friend I've had for 23 years.

 

She basically accused me of having an online affair with her! Put some of our wedding pics up in Facey, she messaged me saying congratulations. That was it.

 

Fucking crank. Seriously think she's considering booting me out.

[Oh Buoy]

7 minutes ago, Special K said:

We've been arguing all day because we got a Christmas card off an old girl friend and her family this morning. Not an ex, a friend I've had for 23 years.

 

She basically accused me of having an online affair with her! Put some of our wedding pics up in Facey, she messaged me saying congratulations. That was it.

 

Fucking crank. Seriously think she's considering booting me out.

Probably held hands in the back of a taxi, didn't you? 

[Special K]

3 minutes ago, Seasons said:

Probably held hands in the back of a taxi, didn't you? 

Probably. It was a lifetime ago

[Harry Squatter]

The computer system jn work went down at midday today after being goosed all day yesterday.

 

We got a global email about 11.00 that it would go down for the whole afternoon.

 

Some woman moaned that we should have got an email yesterday saying the same thing. Until I pointed out that was not possible because the system was fucked all day. Got told to fuck off and stop being a smart arse.

[Dougie Do'ins]

Hardly five minutes in to one of the biggest games of the season at Anfield last night.

 

 

[Captain Turdseye]

Top middle. Is that a pair of dildos she’s looking at?

[Anny Road]

Did you take that on your phone? Posted without a hint of irony.

[Captain Turdseye]

Someone behind Dougie was taking a picture of Dougie taking a picture. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Doctor Troy said:

The computer system jn work went down at midday today after being goosed all day yesterday.

 

We got a global email about 11.00 that it would go down for the whole afternoon.

 

Some woman moaned that we should have got an email yesterday saying the same thing. Until I pointed out that was not possible because the system was fucked all day. Got told to fuck off and stop being a smart arse.

I used to work in IT support, the number of times people would complain that they need more notice when the servers would crash was unbelievable. Once had someone complain that the little picture of an envelope had disappeared from their computer. We had to tell them that was because they had no new emails. They looked quite perplexed.

[Guest]

17 minutes ago, Dougie Do'ins said:

Hardly five minutes in to one of the biggest games of the season at Anfield last night.

 

 

That's nothing, someone posted they were going to watch Masterchef.

 

Who won Masterchef?

[A Red]

Mrs said to me this morning "your front passenger side tyre looks a bit flat" I said "yeah I know but its only the bottom bit, it'll be fine" She replies " Oh, ok, but you'd better get it checked just in case, you've a long journey ahead later" Fucking hell.

[lifetime fan]

Sent a girl in work out last week to get some table decorations for Christmas...

 

Had yesterday off only to come in today to discover she didn’t buy table decorations, she bought a load of door fucking mats!