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Ezekiel 25:17

The world of a woman.

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I've posted this before. But coming from someone who attended Oxford for Post Grad, it really is quite staggering.

 

I was woken in the middle of the night, by quite an alert Mrs RJ and asked "do rabbits lay eggs?"

 

I think she got confused as it was round Eastertime and of course with the whole Easter Rabbit and chocolate egg thing any idiot could get it wrong.

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I've posted this before. But coming from someone who attended Oxford for Post Grad, it really is quite staggering.

 

I was woken in the middle of the night, by quite an alert Mrs RJ and asked "do rabbits lay eggs?"

 

I think she got confused as it was round Eastertime and of course with the whole Easter Rabbit and chocolate egg thing any idiot could get it wrong.

 

That made me think of Karl Pilkington and some of the things he says he's said to his girlfriend upon waking in the morning.

 

I think one was: "How do you stop time?"

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That made me think of Karl Pilkington and some of the things he says he's said to his girlfriend upon waking in the morning.

 

I think one was: "How do you stop time?"

 

"Could the earth fall?"

 

Another classic.

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Just been talking to a mate and he reminded me of another she's come out with. We were watching a documentary about his all his achievements. There was an interview that was obviously edited cos his answers came straight after the intervier had finished talking.

 

Mrs 5th: God, that must be terrible for him.

 

Me: Yeah, it must be frustrating no matter how much he achieves.

 

Mrs 5th: He must have to stop himself having dirty thoughts. That cant be easy.

 

Me: What? Why?

 

Mrs 5th: Cos everyone would hear them.

 

Me: What? That machine doesn't read his fucking mind.

 

Mrs 5th: Oh, right.

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Karl pilkington is boss. Makes me laugh. His theory on controlling population was excellent, when an old person dies, in their body should be another little human which can come out when they die,

My ex once asked me what the padding was that a boxer wears under his shorts. I explained to her that, because their gloves are taped on and can't be tampered with, the obviously can't go to the toilet and because of this they have to wear nappies.

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In one of my early jobs when i was a kid I worked in a chemical yard. It transpired when he went to jail that Peter Sutcliffe, the Yorkshire Ripper, used to drive wagons for a haulier that came in. Watching the telly once when he was on I said to a female acquaintance "he used to come to our factory". She said "Did you know it was him?"

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Karl Pilkington could be a fucking genius and have ideas which could revolutionise the human race... we just have not realised it yet.

 

"By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it" - CORRECT

 

"If I was [Noah], I would have gone, "Hang on a minute, I've just seen somethin' that looks a bit like this, let it drown", have a bit of a clear out, but he was messin' about savin' everythin'" - CORRECT

 

“Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?” - CORRECT

 

"Woke up at 9.55am. Soon as I woke up, I looked at Suzanne and she looked at me. I said, "Did I tell you about the immune system?" Suzanne starting laughing, I said it's amazing. She said, "Not now." - IT IS AMAZING

 

"I don't know why they're called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off" - CORRECT

 

On chameleons - "Stay green. Stay in the woods. Stay safe." - WISE WORDS

 

"You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge." - THINK ABOUT IT

 

"The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now." - INFORMATIVE

 

"Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good." - HMMMMMMM

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In one of my early jobs when i was a kid I worked in a chemical yard. It transpired when he went to jail that Peter Sutcliffe, the Yorkshire Ripper, used to drive wagons for a haulier that came in. Watching the telly once when he was on I said to a female acquaintance "he used to come to our factory". She said "Did you know it was him?"

 

fucking hilarious

 

"oh yeah, in my spare time i solve heinous crimes that police task forces with dozens of men could never solve"

 

silly bint

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Told this one before, but it still tickles me some 12-ish years later. A lad I used to work with had a sister who was a bit deprived in the old brain cell area. Anyway, in a family conversation a couple of days after Princess Diana died she said, "I blame that Pavarotti, me. What the hell he was doing chasing after her on a scooter, I'll never know".

Edited by Paul

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my bird refuses to accept that dinosaurs ever existed because they're "too weird and too big". i dont know wether to laugh or cry sometimes!

 

when we were watching Valkyrie a few weeks ago

 

bird "do you think he (tom cruise) can do that in real life?"

 

me "what?"

 

bird "take his eye in and out like that?"

 

not a week goes by without here saying something so fucking ridiculous hahaha

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I edit magazines for a living - in Canada, that often means doing bilingual issues in French and English. For the past 2 days, I have been trying to get an answer to a series of questions about the layout of the issue - basically, without knowing how many pages there are allocated to a story, I don't know how many words there should be.

 

So I leave voice mail messages and send emails to the woman responsible for making this decision. I got the following answer today:

 

Look, I got the messages. Stop hassling me. Answering the questions will delay me from sending you the answers.

 

Brilliant stuff.

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How do these people survive in the real world? Even making a cup of tea is potentially fatal.

 

Its amazing how many people are actually this thick, I know loads of thick bastards.

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Its amazing how many people are actually this thick, I know loads of thick bastards.

 

its true, my mate still asks me EVERY FUCKING WEEK, "what time is the champions league on at tonight"

 

THE SAME AS IT HAS BEEN FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS YOU FUCKING TIT, 7 FUCKING 45!!!!!

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One from tonight. Watching a film, in it someones promoting a vinyl of Martin Luther King. The other half questions me so much about him I eventually ask her if she knew who he was.

 

I was met by a blank expression and the line "he wasn't the president of America was he?"

 

I have my work cut out here.

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How do these people survive in the real world? Even making a cup of tea is potentially fatal.

 

Its amazing how many people are actually this thick, I know loads of thick bastards.

 

The funniest thing i think from this whole entire thread is that people of the GF are admitting to their spouses thickness. At leas try and pass it off as someone else;s birds the the thick one.

 

Cause they either have massive tits or give great head- cause their aint alot else going on between the two of you except laughing.

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That made me think of Karl Pilkington and some of the things he says he's said to his girlfriend upon waking in the morning.

 

I think one was: "How do you stop time?"

 

My son is like a mini Karl Pilkington. often choosing to ask these things as the first thing he says to me in the morning. I wish i could remember some, but they fry my brain so much i go into mental paralysis.

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