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Ezekiel 25:17

The world of a woman.

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No, like I'd spend my hard earned on these cunts.

 

They were gifts from families.

 

It'd be so much funnier if you constantly purchased the highest calorie treats available for the sole purpose of widening your coworkers.

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My amazing wife lost her house keys, weeks ago, so she was using the spare set that lives outside the house in a hidey-hole. Just last week I went to the effort and expense of getting 2 new ones cut for her and the next day, while I'm out walking the dog I get a call to say she's locked out. 

 

Where's the spare set?

 

In the house. I left them on the window sill.

 

Where are the new ones I got cut for you?

 

There still in the bedroom. I can't start using them until I've got a keyring can I?

 

I'll be back when the dog's tired.

 

 

Anyway, the original set turned up yesterday. In her coat pocket. I mean, why would you bother to actually LOOK for them in the first place eh?

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My amazing wife lost her house keys, weeks ago, so she was using the spare set that lives outside the house in a hidey-hole. Just last week I went to the effort and expense of getting 2 new ones cut for her and the next day, while I'm out walking the dog I get a call to say she's locked out. 

 

Where's the spare set?

 

In the house. I left them on the window sill.

 

Where are the new ones I got cut for you?

 

There still in the bedroom. I can't start using them until I've got a keyring can I?

 

I'll be back when the dog's tired.

 

 

Anyway, the original set turned up yesterday. In her coat pocket. I mean, why would you bother to actually LOOK for them in the first place eh?

 

Brilliant.

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I reckon Col secretly inject liquid lard into the chocolates and mixes weight gain 3000 into the milk

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My Mrs has never had a surprise party thrown. Being the loveable cunt I am I obviously planned one.

 

It's now being cancelled as I didn't make enough effort on Tuesday, her birthday, she's not coming to the fancy pants restaurant I've booked for her birthday, you know on a weekend so we can perhaps let our hair down. I've booked the pub out around the corner for her friends!

 

If you need me I'll be banging my head against a brick fucking wall!

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No, like I'd spend my hard earned on these cunts.

 

 

 

Of course not for altruistic reasons

 

I reckon Col secretly inject liquid lard into the chocolates and mixes weight gain 3000 into the milk

Don't encourage him!

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Col, after careful research I have come to the conclusion that fat women are the laziest organisms on the planet.

 

Case 1. Woman whose kid is in my sons class missed the nativity play today because she didn't feel well. All she had was a bit of flu but was well enough to announce on Facebook that she couldn't go and asked other people to take photos then tell everyone how awful she feels. She's fucking massive and hasn't taken her son swimming or on holiday because she feels embarrassed about her weight.

 

2. Some fat lazy bitch I work with cannot get into work before ten o clock which is the end of the flexi period and the start of normal time. She joined the union with the sole purpose of avoiding work, the union fucked her off as she was useless. At weekends most people do overtime and get in at 7am to have the ret of the day to themselves. Not this fat fuck who swans in at 10 which means she has to stay until 5 and probably fucks off at 3 because there will be no one to check on her.

 

3. Fat cunt no 3 who we call Uncle Buck because of her striking resemblance to John Candy has always managed to get herself on a sit off team doing very little or the easiest job. Her desk is set up more technically than a Formula 1 car and she eats more than most fat Americans do at a Florida all you can eat buffet.

 

4. Fat twat no4 has been off for six months with a mysterious illness that was somehow cured when she went onto half pay. Her sister comes round to her house every week to take her son out so she can go to bed and "have a break".

 

5. Fat cunt no 5 is married to some henpecked lad on my team. They go away on holidays where she doesn't have to walk much and even when they go and visit his parents who live in Wales she insists on getting a taxi from Dale Steeet to Lime Street. She spent a fortune on a personal trainer last year and actually put on weight due to her laziness. The personal trainer binned her off because she was too bone fucking idle to do anything about being fat despite whingeing about it all the time.

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We've got a whale in our work, does nothing but fucking moan over the pettiest shit imaginable and not a day goes by without her piping up about something that's upset her. She burst out crying, went home and put in a complaint because an offsite colleague interrupted her whilst they were talking on the phone.

 

Everything is done at a snail's pace unless of course someone announces there are chocolates or cakes in the canteen and then she transforms into the fucking flash.

 

Not a single redeeming feature, truly obnoxious woman.

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Another fat cow in our work and I mean really fat, I'm sure she has had keks especially made for her to hold all the saggy flesh. She always seems to think it is a good idea that she should share the intimate details about her sex life with everyone.

 

We had to go away to Leeds and had an overnight stay. Met a few people from the Glasgow office and we all went out to a Wetherspoons for cheap food and ale. One if the Scottish guys orders a steak and fatty decides to pipe up about shagging her equally as fat and ugly husband. The Scottish guy turns round to me and says "is she for fucking real?, who the fuck wants to shag that? Even more so who would actually want to hear about it?". The waitress brings his steak over and he says to her he isn't hungry but doesn't want his money back. I'm sure he then went the bogs to vomit.

 

She's a horrible bitch too, always shit stirring and claiming that she is getting bullied. Complained that a woman bullied her because she used to come in and say hello to the team rather than her specifically.

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Dare you to use chocolate laxatives?

 

He's just got back to work. I doubt he wants to be putting in double shifts because all the women are on the shitter.

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Guest davelfc

Yesterday was in company and had my granddaughter with me. She's 18 months old and I was showing how she is able to perform noises and actions of animal and tv characters. "what does a lion do" "roar!" type stuff.

 

We get on to her favourite kids show, "In the night garden" and I ask her what does Makka Pakka do, she lifts her hand to her mouth and makes a trumpet sound. (Makka Pakka has a plastic trumpet, don't ask)

 

The ex's sister has been watching all of this and says quite seriously  "Makka Pakka, that's a bit racist isn't it" 

 

tumblr_lmb97xrlFb1qbbjxw.jpg

 

This is the same woman who when asked if anyone had first aid experience offered up herself to help as she watched Casualty every week. 

 

Thank fuck I didn't mention Makka Pakka's 'uff puff' (it's the little orange drying device on his bike, I shouldn't know all this shit)

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This today

 

me: can you call the doctor to make an appointment. You might not get one for tomorrow because it's so close and appointments could be gone so ask for one for Monday.

Her: ok I'll call them tomorrow to see if there's one free on Monday.

Me: or you could just call today and ask for one for Monday.

Her: oh yea.

 

 

Fuck sake

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I worked with a woman, and I use the word woman lightly, who looked like a fat Sideshow Bob.

 

She was a former squadie and that cannon fodder military thickness just exuded from her. But her eating and talk of food was the worst aspect, it was constant.

 

On a works Xmas once do I saw her put away more food than a starved Great Dane in a butchers.

 

That morning, as every morning I saw her put away a massive bowl of cereal and pancakes. Then she picked at chocolates all morning.

 

At lunch she whacked away 4 courses, soup with 4 or 5 rolls to start, turkey dinner with loads of roasties (I'm talking double figures), Xmas pudding, then a massive plate of cheese. Bumped into her at my bus stop the next morning, she'd gone for a chow mein on the way home too. The fact cunt.

 

She got voluntary redundancy and left. Apparently spent it on a boob job and a week in St Kitts. Better off with liposuction or having her gob sewn up.

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Yesterday was in company and had my granddaughter with me. She's 18 months old and I was showing how she is able to perform noises and actions of animal and tv characters. "what does a lion do" "roar!" type stuff.

 

We get on to her favourite kids show, "In the night garden" and I ask her what does Makka Pakka do, she lifts her hand to her mouth and makes a trumpet sound. (Makka Pakka has a plastic trumpet, don't ask)

 

The ex's sister has been watching all of this and says quite seriously  "Makka Pakka, that's a bit racist isn't it" 

 

tumblr_lmb97xrlFb1qbbjxw.jpg

 

This is the same woman who when asked if anyone had first aid experience offered up herself to help as she watched Casualty every week. 

 

Thank fuck I didn't mention Makka Pakka's 'uff puff' (it's the little orange drying device on his bike, I shouldn't know all this shit)

 

q3iCWqE.jpg

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Col, after careful research I have come to the conclusion that fat women are the laziest organisms on the planet.

 

Case 1. Woman whose kid is in my sons class missed the nativity play today because she didn't feel well. All she had was a bit of flu but was well enough to announce on Facebook that she couldn't go and asked other people to take photos then tell everyone how awful she feels. She's fucking massive and hasn't taken her son swimming or on holiday because she feels embarrassed about her weight.

 

2. Some fat lazy bitch I work with cannot get into work before ten o clock which is the end of the flexi period and the start of normal time. She joined the union with the sole purpose of avoiding work, the union fucked her off as she was useless. At weekends most people do overtime and get in at 7am to have the ret of the day to themselves. Not this fat fuck who swans in at 10 which means she has to stay until 5 and probably fucks off at 3 because there will be no one to check on her.

 

3. Fat cunt no 3 who we call Uncle Buck because of her striking resemblance to John Candy has always managed to get herself on a sit off team doing very little or the easiest job. Her desk is set up more technically than a Formula 1 car and she eats more than most fat Americans do at a Florida all you can eat buffet.

 

4. Fat twat no4 has been off for six months with a mysterious illness that was somehow cured when she went onto half pay. Her sister comes round to her house every week to take her son out so she can go to bed and "have a break".

 

5. Fat cunt no 5 is married to some henpecked lad on my team. They go away on holidays where she doesn't have to walk much and even when they go and visit his parents who live in Wales she insists on getting a taxi from Dale Steeet to Lime Street. She spent a fortune on a personal trainer last year and actually put on weight due to her laziness. The personal trainer binned her off because she was too bone fucking idle to do anything about being fat despite whingeing about it all the time.

 

So, which civil service department do you work for then?

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Guest davelfc

 

She got voluntary redundancy and left. Apparently spent it on a boob job and a week in St Kitts. Better off with liposuction or having her gob sewn up.

 

That might apply to 90% of them. I'm not going to clarify if I mean ex military wenches or the whole of womankind. 

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Guest davelfc

q3iCWqE.jpg

 

How do you think I feel, I shouldn't know these things and you try telling the click and collect staff you've come to pick up a ninky nonk. 

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Case 1. Woman whose kid is in my sons class missed the nativity play today because she didn't feel well. All she had was a bit of flu but was well enough to announce on Facebook that she couldn't go and asked other people to take photos then tell everyone how awful she feels. She's fucking massive and hasn't taken her son swimming or on holiday because she feels embarrassed about her weight.

 

 

Let me get this straight, if i'd just become fat enough to feel unwell i could have avoided the christmas play stuff? On Tuesday night I had to endure an hour play for which my son had 2 lines and a few songs. I had to watch it all in a hot stuffy hall and it was all in Welsh. My welsh is shit, it's on par with a toddlers language skills. I spend an hour sat there, smiling or making funny gestures to try and get him to laugh or even better get pissed at me for not taking it seriously. Fortunately, he is the youngest and i don't have to do it again. 

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You could have gone on Facebook and said you were too ill to move getting maximum sympathy of the "what's up Hun?" Brigade whilst having a mild cold. Or just say that you couldn't afford to take a Welsh interpreter and sat home instead.

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At the rugby club this afternoon and a load of the women are talking about this faceaids game where you put a Santa hat on the corner of your telly and every time someone on the telly is 'wearing' it you have to have a drink.

 

Woman: what channel is that on?

 

I don't even know where to even begin with that kind of stupidity

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Let me get this straight, if i'd just become fat enough to feel unwell i could have avoided the christmas play stuff? On Tuesday night I had to endure an hour play for which my son had 2 lines and a few songs. I had to watch it all in a hot stuffy hall and it was all in Welsh. My welsh is shit, it's on par with a toddlers language skills. I spend an hour sat there, smiling or making funny gestures to try and get him to laugh or even better get pissed at me for not taking it seriously. Fortunately, he is the youngest and i don't have to do it again.

 

I've had the old nativity sewn up since she was in year 2. She pretends she's got a sore throat and doesn't feel up to it, I buy her chocolate. We never speak of our conspiracy. It's a special bond between Mother and daughter.

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