The world of a woman.

[Byrnie]

On 29/04/2022 at 16:01, manwiththestick said:

Blown her mind last night when I told her I'm out with the lads tonight.

 

When did you arrange this?

 

Last night (Wednesday) in less than five WhatsApp messages.

 

Where are you going?

 

Don't know? 

 

Who with?

 

Not 100% but definitely Lee and Glen, couple of others yet to confirm.

 

What time?

 

Not sure I just told them I will be in the local pub at 7:30 and we'll go from there.

 

She can't understand how it's that easy.

 

[Rico1304]

I was 50 in April, I’ve just been bollocked for going out too much. Yesterday we went to see a band, I paid, went for a meal, I paid.
I’ve been out twice with other people, tonight I met a load of blokes i played cricket with and stayed an extra hour. 

Fucking really annoyed. 

[deiseach]

On 29/04/2022 at 12:29, YorkshireRed said:

We’ve developed a bit of a ‘Fish & Chip Friday’ in our house.

Up to now, I pay every week. Four times, three small peas, two breadcakes (yes - that’s what normal people call them) comes to around £27.

 

The wife said she’d pay toinght if I went and got them. I pay by card, so she said she’d transfer the money. I’ve just received a payment of £15. 
 

I guess I should be thankful she’s saved me £15. 

Not really an observation about 'a woman' as 'a chain-smoking alcoholic pharmaceutical disaster area' but anyway...every so often my mother-in-law will express concern about her finances. It'll be put to her that the main source of any problem is her drinking and smoking. It's a mystery how she ends up in the overdraft every month despite her thrifty ways, such as checking every envelope that enters the house to see if the post office neglected to put the date stamp on the postage stamp. She won't venture a figure on how much she spends on booze and will ignore any feedback on the subject from those who actually do the buying, a habit that can also be observed in how she will engage in all kinds of ducking and diving to avoid spending too much time with medical professionals because her lizard brain knows that the longer she spends with one the chances of them asking and-how-many-units-do-you-drink will head towards 1. She will speculate though on how much she spends on fags every week - "about £50". Try £150. Great stuff, already looking forward to having this conversation again in a few months!

[Captain Turdseye]

44 minutes ago, deiseach said:

Not really an observation about 'a woman' as 'a chain-smoking alcoholic pharmaceutical disaster area' but anyway...every so often my mother-in-law will express concern about her finances. It'll be put to her that the main source of any problem is her drinking and smoking. It's a mystery how she ends up in the overdraft every month despite her thrifty ways, such as checking every envelope that enters the house to see if the post office neglected to put the date stamp on the postage stamp. She won't venture a figure on how much she spends on booze and will ignore any feedback on the subject from those who actually do the buying, a habit that can also be observed in how she will engage in all kinds of ducking and diving to avoid spending too much time with medical professionals because her lizard brain knows that the longer she spends with one the chances of them asking and-how-many-units-do-you-drink will head towards 1. She will speculate though on how much she spends on fags every week - "about £50". Try £150. Great stuff, already looking forward to having this conversation again in a few months!

Buy the woman a vape for her birthday/Xmas. 
 

Dead easy to buy and use now with a tiny bit of research and she’ll end up thanking you. Then the nicotine habit will end up costing £30-£50 a month max. 

[deiseach]

28 minutes ago, Captain Turdseye said:

Buy the woman a vape for her birthday/Xmas. 
 

Dead easy to buy and use now with a tiny bit of research and she’ll end up thanking you. Then the nicotine habit will end up costing £30-£50 a month max. 

Good idea. She can fiddle around with it for a few days, reacting owlishly to any instructions she is given, then we can put it with the half-dozen other vape thingies that have been bought for her over the years. I'll set them in a resin, say it's by Damien Hirst, then sell it for millions! Should keep her in coffin nails for another few years.

 

The thing is, she doesn't think any of her habits are expensive, whether it be booze, fags, or shelling out hundreds on crap from catalogues that she will never use. Quite apart from the impact that six decades of toxins have had on her brain, she is a Tory to her fingertips who proceeds on the basis that deserving people like her will be looked after while the undeserving will have to fend for themselves. The worst part of it all - she's right.

[Harry's Lad]

55 minutes ago, Captain Turdseye said:

Buy the woman a vape for her birthday/Xmas. 
 

Dead easy to buy and use now with a tiny bit of research and she’ll end up thanking you. Then the nicotine habit will end up costing £30-£50 a month max. 

Mrs HL's mum packed up smoking when she retired,  no mean feat after 40 years plus.

 

She developed Alzheimers when she was about 80 and forgot she had stopped so developed a 60 a day habit, so we got her a vape.

 

Next time we went there she was puffing away on a ciggy.

The vape wouldn't light so she gave up.

 

True story.

 

 

[Captain Turdseye]

I’ve been vaping since before it was cool, man. 

[VladimirIlyich]

1 hour ago, Captain Turdseye said:

I’ve been vaping since before it was cool, man. 

You are still smoking but have been conned into thinking you aren't.

[Captain Turdseye]

12 hours ago, VladimirIlyich said:

You are still smoking but have been conned into thinking you aren't.

It’s clearly less harmful than the biftas. Ask your doctor.  
 

Nicotine is my only real vice. I don’t want to give it up. I enjoy it too much. We’re all gonna die soon anyway. 

[VladimirIlyich]

9 minutes ago, Captain Turdseye said:

It’s clearly less harmful than the biftas. Ask your doctor.  
 

Nicotine is my only real vice. I don’t want to give it up. I enjoy it too much. We’re all gonna die soon anyway. 

Only vice?? You have had more hangovers than Sue Ellen off Dallas.

[Captain Turdseye]

26 minutes ago, VladimirIlyich said:

Only vice?? You have had more hangovers than Sue Ellen off Dallas.

Very rare I drink now mate. I’ve been getting a lot of footy tickets from lads off here this year and that’s generally the only time I’ve had a bevvy. 
 

I can only think of two or three more times I’ve had a drink since the season started. 
 

I keep telling myself I’m gonna have a drink in the house but I just can’t be arsed. I’m building up quite a collection of beer. 

[TheBitch]

16 hours ago, Captain Turdseye said:

I’ve been vaping since before it was cool, man. 

Pfffft… you’re no @zigackly

[Captain Turdseye]

1 minute ago, TheBitch said:

Pfffft… you’re no @zigackly

He’s who got me on them!

[TheBitch]

2 hours ago, Captain Turdseye said:

He’s who got me on them!

Of course he is. 
 

I don’t smoke. I’ve never smoked but I read every damn page on his vape thread and now I’m hooked on vapes*
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I’m not hooked on vapes. 

[Colt Seavers]

On 01/05/2022 at 21:23, Byrnie said:

 

"Didn't you ask Tony how Sue was"

"I don't ask Tony how Tony was"

 

[Bjornebye]

When she records things on Sky she's incapable of not including a series link. It's just taken me about 2 months to delete about 5000 episodes of Eastenders, A Place in the Sun and Dinner Date. 

[littletedwest]

Supposed be having the grandson tonight but he's ill. So I've suggested having a drink instead. Which leads to "fine, you have a drink" when it's clearly not fine.

She is now having a drink. But still sulking at me even though I haven't touched a Drop yet for drinking.

[Fugitive]

48 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

When she records things on Sky she's incapable of not including a series link. It's just taken me about 2 months to delete about 5000 episodes of Eastenders, A Place in the Sun and Dinner Date. 

You need to click on recordings, down to manage and then delete to your heart’s content. 
 

I know brother.. I Know.

[Bjornebye]

Her 40th yesterday. We went out with all her mates last night. She left her phone in the taxi (Hackney so we can’t track it). It’s pinged at 4am in Neston so here we are about 5 minutes from the location. All my fault of course. Her mate did a scan of the taxi as she was last out but no, I should have walked back and double checked just incase she’d left something. 

[YorkshireRed]

On 06/05/2022 at 19:21, Bjornebye said:

When she records things on Sky she's incapable of not including a series link. It's just taken me about 2 months to watch about 5000 episodes of Eastenders, A Place in the Sun and Dinner Date. 

 

[Bjornebye]

She's off her head. I snapped half my tooth last night pissed when I got in bed eating a fruit gum One of her best mates is a dentist so she said she'll message her in the morning. I specifically said I'm in back to back meetings Monday so wouldn't be able to go but any other day is fine. "She's just text said she can see you in 10 minutes shall we go now?" "I'm on a meeting in 5 minutes, I told you I'm busy today. Now she's got a fucking cob on and to make things worse has decided to work downstairs in the same room as me with a face like thunder. Why don't they just listen?? 

[Harry Squatter]

Another example of how they overcomplicate everything and make everything a drama:

 

The guy I work with who has the nightmare Mrs rang him before complaining that her work want her to come in tonight even though she's not on the rota.

 

He's listed as her emergency contact number and she's ignoring their calls. So they may contact him. 

 

She comes up with this elaborate scenario about him working away in London so she needs to be with the kids and can't leave them and he needs to tell them he's on a specific train that won't get him back up here in time and double check the times on trainline so it sounds legit etc. He just says "How about I just not answer the fucking phone?"

 

Conversation over.

[lifetime fan]

[Special K]

What is it about women and TV shows you like?

 

Every night for the past fuck knows how long she's watched this show called 'The Block'. An Aussie house renovations show that's an hour long. Every Wednesday she watches those Tory cunts Phil and Kirstie followed by George cunting Clarke.  There's always crime shows on or fucking Gogglebox.

 

I've just said I wanted to watch the latest episode of The Boys. We've had an argument and she's gone to bed!!!! How fucking dare I want an hour to watch something!!!

[Section_31]

3 minutes ago, Special K said:

What is it about women and TV shows you like?

 

Every night for the past fuck knows how long she's watched this show called 'The Block'. An Aussie house renovations show that's an hour long. Every Wednesday she watches those Tory cunts Phil and Kirstie followed by George cunting Clarke.  There's always crime shows on or fucking Gogglebox.

 

I've just said I wanted to watch the latest episode of The Boys. We've had an argument and she's gone to bed!!!! How fucking dare I want an hour to watch something!!!

Haha, this is me and the Mrs! 

 

She loves all that stuff, homes under the hammer, Gogglebox - which was a novelty for about two weeks, but it's been on for 10 years.

 

No way she'd watch something like Star Wars or The Boys. The only thing I've ever been able to get her to watch, bizarrely, was Jericho, which she fucking loved.