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The world of a woman.

Ezekiel 25:17

By Ezekiel 25:17,
in GF - General Forum

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Mook Grand Master

Mook

Posted
Posted
27 minutes ago, tokyojoe said:

It's bloody 'International Womans Day' today in case any of you haven't noticed. Every news type email I get has some story about some bint's achievement.

I stuck some tampons to my head & ran up & down Princes Street this morning to celebrate this.

 

I was going to bang some pots & pans together at my front door at 8pm but it was pointed out to me that this might be construed as sexist.

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Sugar Ape Grand Master

Sugar Ape

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On 19/06/2015 at 11:50, Sugar Ape said:

Just gone back through this thread to look at my posts. This is from my Mrs. Jesus titty christ:

 

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The wife has just text me and mentioned the little girl she looks after ' Grace loves playing footy, she's such a toy boy '

Me : ' It's a tom boy you massive spacker '

Her : ' Er I think you mean SPASTIC, you don't even know how to spell the word '

 

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Last night I was browsing some 80's films in HD on the net and clicked play on Indiana Jones and the raiders of the lost ark. 

We both watched it for about ten minutes until the end of the opening scene when he's ran away from the big boulder and escaped from the natives on the aeroplane. He's had numerous speaking parts by this point and been addressed more than once as Dr Jones. 

I said to her I love this film, one of my favourites and she said I didn't think you even liked Crocodile Dundee. 

When I laughed and said what the fuck you on about it's Indiana Jones she started crying because I was treating her as stupid by laughing at her.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

" I can hardly taste any cheese in these crisps. The flavour is crap " 

She's eating sour cream and onion crisps of course.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________

My father in law asked me and the mrs if we would go and see War of the worlds with him next November. We said yes and the wife has just asked me about it,

 

Her: What is this War thing about my dad wants us to go and see.

 

Me: It's a musical based on a H.G. Wells book. It's about martians invading the earth. They did a radio adaptation in the 30's in America as a news bulletin and lots of people thought it was real and panicked.

 

Her: Was it though?

 

Me: Was it what?
 

Her: Was it real?

 

Me: Was what real, martians invading earth?

 

Her: Yes.

 

Couldn't even be arsed getting into it, just said no,

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

The mrs is a nanny for this couple who live in Crosby and are minted. She still gets emails sent from some agencies she signed up with years ago advertising jobs and she's looking at one on her tablet.

Her: Shit, this job I'm looking at here sounds exactly like mine.
Me: Don't worry it'll just be a coincidence.

* A minute passes *

Her: No seriously I'm certain they're advertising my job. Listen, It says it's in Crosby, the hours are the same I work, it's looking after two children aged 5 and 8, must have own car to drop the kids off at school like I do and it says the family has a dog like they do. I'll have to speak to them tomorrow, I don't know what I've done wrong, I do loads for them that I don't have to and they want to replace me.

Me: Aren't the kids you look after aged 6 & 7?

Her: Oh yeah, nevermind.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

Just been to Aintree hospital with the mrs and parked in the multi storey car park. It has four floors above ground level, the top floor being on the roof. We park at the top.

Walking through the hospital she goes ' shit, I forgot to look at what floor we are on to find the car again ' so I say ' what? We are on the roof.'

' Yeah, but what floor it that? '

Er, it's the fucking roof! How could you possibly not know how to get back to the car when you park on the roof. Fucking hell.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________

Watching the Chase then.

 

Question; What do you call someone from Jordan?

My mrs " I know this! Iranian! "

 

Yeah, you don't know.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________

Away with the bird for the weekend, sitting in a hot tub with boss views getting bevied but it's a bit boring listening to her so we have a game of 20 questions to guess the person she's thinking of. 

Me: Is the person american? 

Her: Yes. 

Me: Is it an actor? 

Her: Yes. 

Me: Male?

Her: Yes

Me: Is he Alive?

Her: No

Me: Did he die of natural causes?

Her: No

Anyway, I finally got it on the 18th question and it's James Gandolfini. 

Me: Hang on, he died of a heart attack, you said he didn't die of natural causes?

Her: I thought natural causes meant cancer.

 

 

____________________________________________________________________________________

I have, much to her chagrin, a note kept on my iPhone which I add to whenever she comes out without something stupid. A record for posterity which features such gems as: 

Ken Barlow is looking old. He's no spring kitchen anymore. 

* Upon watching a black slave be violently beat to death in Django Unchained * Wow. They certainly frowned upon black people in those days. 

* On an occasion when I'd pissed her off * You're the vein of my life. She then spent 20 minutes arguing with me because ' Bane ' was a word I'd just made up. 

I told her I was going the match on Saturday. Did you get a ticket off your brother? Or a ticket lout. 

Trying to imply I'm mental. " You're living in world cuckoo land "

For no apparent reason whilst watching The Avengers. " Is this directed by Stephen Hopkins? " when I enquired who he was? " You know, the guy in the wheelchair "
To this day, I've no idea why she thought Stephen Hawkins was a film director. 

A big loud argument during a family meal that the saying " variety is the spice of life " is actually just " the variety of spice " 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________________________

In Cheshire Oaks with her the other day.

 

Me: Have we been past the Adidas shop?

Her: We went past the Nike shop ten minutes ago.

 

Me: I don't want to go in the Nike shop, I said Adidas?
 

Her: Aren't they the same thing?

 

I mean seriously, what the fuck? Also:

 

Her: Loads of people have been going past with Yankee Candle bags. Do you think they have a shop here?

 

Me: Yeah, what gave it away Sherlock?

 

______________________________________________________________________________________

She phones me on her way home and asks if I'll go to Asda with her as she needs to get some passport photos done. I said I can't be arsed but she said she'll only be quick and she's been bored in work all day so won't I come. I reluctantly say yes and she's says there is a photo book in the kitchen, will I bring it out with me. 

She turns up and we go to Asda, when she gets to the car park she starts taking the photos out of the book. I ask her what she's doing and she says she wants to get a copy of all the photos. All 110 of them. 

I tell her I haven't had my tea, I want a shower and the dogs haven't been fed yet so can't she do it another day like, say, Saturday when I'm in work all day on overtime, which I need to do because she's handed her notice in with her job despite not having another job lined up, and she's sitting at home doing fuck all. 

You know the answer to that so I sit in the car for a full ten minutes while she takes all the photos out and then we go to the photo counter where the fella says you have to put each photo in a template one at a time and scan them. It takes about 20 seconds to scan a photo plus about ten seconds to put a new one in when it's done. 

I tell her since she's got 110 photos, and it's 30 seconds for each one, it'll take nearly an hour to do. She scoffs at me and insists, in the face of all logic, that it will take ten minutes. 

I go and have a look at the magazines and come back ten minutes later and say " how many are done " with the answer being, predictably, twenty. She then presses a button and they all vanish. 

She calls the fella round the counter and he looks and says you've deleted them, they're gone. She then looks at me and shouts " that's your fault for distracting me " before storming away leaving me and the asda Man to just look at each other knowingly, carrying the shared weight of having to put up with the utterly mental bastards.

 

On 19/06/2015 at 11:58, Sugar Ape said:

This from work colleagues:

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

In work last week, the women were talking about their siblings. 

Woman 1, I can remember my sister being born. 

Woman 2, What is the age difference between you and your sister? 

Woman 1, 5 years difference. 

Woman 2, is she older or younger than you? 

I have to put up with shit like this all day.
 
 
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
I went the water machine in our work yesterday which has two taps, a cold one and a room temperature one. 

One of the women on my team asked me to get her a cup from the room temperature tap. 

I asked her why she didn't get the cold water, why did she want the warmer one? 

She said it wasn't warm and that it was colder than the water in her fishtank at home. 

I then had to point out she has tropical fish and a heater in the water. 
 
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
I'm working on another team for a week, they have the most annoying woman on the face of the earth on it. I am genuinely about to cry if she doesn't shut up. She's 62, and the stupidest woman alive.

Her - How do you spell, it's pronounced Shiv-awn?

Me - It's Siob...

Her - No, you must have misheard me. I said Shiv-awn.

Me - I know, I heard you. It's Siobhan.

Her - Does anyone else know how to spell it correctly?


Also just asked how do you spell apologies? Some other woman on the team goes a-p-o-l-i-g-i-e-s, her, I thought that was it....

Fucking hell.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Had a girl in our work today, 23 years of age, complaining that she'd posted something twice and they hadn't received it. She was going to post it one more time and if this one went missing then she was going to phone the post office to complain. 

Turned out she didn't know you had to put a stamp on an item you were sending through the post.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

This is 100% genuine, happened about a year ago with this woman I used to work with who lives on her own, she finishes work at 3 and phones my boss about 4. Goes like this:

Woman: Rob, can you check my desk I've lost my house keys and think I might have left them on my desk.

My boss: * Checks her desk * No, there is nothing on your desk it's clear.

Woman: What am I going to do then? I must have lost them between work and getting home.

Boss: * Notices on his phone display she is phoning on a land line * Where are you phoning from?

Woman: My house.

Boss: How did you get in if you've lost your keys?

Woman: Hold on a minute * line is quiet for 30 seconds * Doesn't matter, I'd left them in the front door lock.

 

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

And a bonus one from her nan:

 

Just picked the Mrs nan up from a care home she's been staying in for a month whilst she was dealing with some health issues ( She's 89 but still quite sharp ) and took her to her own house. She starts telling me about a blind fella who was also in the nursing home.

 

" You don't realise how hard it is to be blind, I felt so sorry for him. It's not just that you can't see, there are loads of little things that must really make your life miserable. Like, I'm talking to you now and you can look at me and see me but he couldn't tell where a voice was coming from. I used to go in his room and stand in different places and call his name, and he could never tell where I was standing. His head was looking all round the room. It was very sad "

 

Er yeah, so you basically tormented a blind, elderly man on a daily basis. Kudos.

Fucking hell I forgot about loads of these. Might bring them up tonight so she gets a cob on and leaves me alone for the match.

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Bobby Hundreds Grand Master

Bobby Hundreds

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We bought a chest freezer but didn't have much space in the utility room, my missus suggested that and the dryer could go on top of one another. I said "how the fuck would you open the freezer" she said "well obviously I wouldn't put the dryer on top of the freezer" I said "think about it, unless youre getting a fucking ladder everytime you want to get something out of the freezer and squeezing it between the gap left between the lid and the ceiling how the fuck is that workable".... "oh yeah".

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Harry Squatter Grand Master

Harry Squatter

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Wanted to get my Mrs some gin the other week so asked her mate for advice on which one she drinks when she goes out. 

 

Basically a 10 second call ended up as 5 minutes of her blathering on about different flavours and then sending me pictures of them then going on about getting Vodka from Costco.  In the end I just went the offy and bought one of the first ones I saw. 

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Bjornebye Grand Master

Bjornebye

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5 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

When the Mrs is hoovering she often stops briefly to ask me something but then starts again just as I'm about to answer.

 

 

Hahahahaha. 

 

We caught a few minutes of who wants to be a millionaire last night and one of the questions was who wrote the score to Star Wars. I knew the answer so said John Williams but Hans Zimmer came up as one of the options. Would she fuck have it that I was right and it wasn't Hans Zimmer. Even when Clarkson said she muttered something about it not being him so I said google it. Anyway 5 minutes later I walk out the bathroom after brushing my teeth and she's stood there "Did you google it?" "Fuck off" 

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