The world of a woman.

[Bjornebye]

2 hours ago, Geoff Woade said:

 

Worryingly, it seems that the next move for the girls who go through the phases of starting up selling these, juice plus, jewellery etc on Facebook is to move on to OnlyFans as their next venture.  

.

[sir roger]

4 hours ago, Doctor Troy said:

Yep and call themselves self employed on their bio. My Mrs bought me some blag Creed off someone on Facebook which basically smelt like something you buy in the body shop for 12 quid. Leaked all over my gym bag after 2 weeks. 

 

Another business venture is selling diet plans/health supplements. One girl I know has been promoted 3 times in one year but still advertised for a flat mate cos she was skint.

The Tommy Middlefinger is ok.

[Harry Squatter]

4 hours ago, Geoff Woade said:

I also had the fake Creed a while ago, it smells alright but stops smelling basically as soon as it dries on your skin. I honestly don’t know why people bother. I’ll never be getting it again. There’s a reason for the saying ‘you buy shite, you buy twice’. 
 

Worryingly, it seems that the next move for the girls who go through the phases of starting up selling these, juice plus, jewellery etc on Facebook is to move on to childminding as their next venture.  

Louise Woodward should have just stuck to selling dodgy bottles of Joop and Kouros.

[Harry Squatter]

 

Scouse bird lockdown meltdown.

[Paulie Dangerously]

In the latest  episode of "Measurement Mishaps" in the Dangerously house we are shortly to take ownership of our third dog harness since Friday now that she has stopped guessing the circumference of the dog's chest, or measuring it with her hands and then thinking how many centimetres it might be and actually used a tape measure. 

[Bjornebye]

31 minutes ago, Paulie Dangerously said:

In the latest  episode of "Measurement Mishaps" in the Dangerously house we are shortly to take ownership of our third dog harness since Friday now that she has stopped guessing the circumference of the dog's chest, or measuring it with her hands and then thinking how many centimetres it might be and actually used a tape measure. 

A dog that... you know.... grows bigger 

[Pureblood]

One of my sister's dogs got run over the other day by white van man.  Still a bit raw in the TK family.  

[Bjornebye]

2 minutes ago, TK421 said:

One of my sister's dogs got run over the other day by white van man.  Still a bit raw in the TK family.  

Really sorry to hear that. 

 

 

[Harry Squatter]

A woman we know whose kid has Autism said she went to the same hotel as us in Morocco the week before we went. 

 

She said the hotel was nice but had a kick off with a load of Dutch people who moaned in their own language about their son having a meltdown near them. 

 

She said she shouted at them but they carried on talking in their own language and gestured that her son was being naughty. When she said they never spoke English she said they kept saying "Dutch, Dutch, Dutch, no English".

 

She then went back to her room and typed up this long rant and put it into google translate to translate it from English to Dutch then got the reception to print it out for her.

 

She then walked up to these people at the bar in the evening and handed them a copy each and said they should read it. 

 

They just looked at it and shrugged their shoulders and gave them back to her whilst smirking. She went off her head at them again saying they were ignorant. They they smiling said Dutch, Dutch", she replied "it is fucking Dutch, why are you laughing?"

 

I said I found that surprising as most Dutch people were sound and virtually all of them speak perfect English from an early age. She must have found the only 4 in Holland who dont speak English.

 

I then told her that Dutch was probably "Deutsch" and they were German. As I said that the hotel was German owned and the only nationalities when we were there were British, German and French.  So no wonder they had no fucking clue what she was on about and laughed when she handed them a big rant in Dutch. 

 

 

 

[Pureblood]

2 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

Really sorry to hear that. 

 

 

Worried about people catching coronavirus and then that happens.  Life can be a right twat at times, a right, right twat. I used to walk her regularly, she would have a propensity to run after big vehicles so you had to be vigilant near roads. I think the loud engines got her all worked up. It was kind of an accident waiting to happen. Such a big personality for a little dog.  I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. 

[Harry Squatter]

Cant believe that they take forever to get ready. My mates Mrs needs at least 4 hours to get ready for a night out.

 

He was on holiday and he went the bar on his own to wait for her. Should have gone out at 7.30 but she ended up coming down at 9. By this time he was too twatted to go anywhere and they just went back up to the room as he was in no fit state to go out for a meal. 

[Bob]

1 hour ago, Doctor Troy said:

Cant believe that they take forever to get ready. My mates Mrs needs at least 4 hours to get ready for a night out.

 

He was on holiday and he went the bar on his own to wait for her. Should have gone out at 7.30 but she ended up coming down at 9. By this time he was too twatted to go anywhere and they just went back up to the room as he was in no fit state to go out for a meal. 

How twatted can you get in an hour and a half drinking on your own?

 

questions to be answered on both sides there.

[Harry Squatter]

3 minutes ago, Bob Spunkmouse said:

How twatted can you get in an hour and a half drinking on your own?

 

questions to be answered on both sides there.

Drinking a bottle of Jack Daniel's helps

[Bob]

1 hour ago, Doctor Troy said:

Drinking a bottle of Jack Daniel's helps

As I say, questions to be answered on both sides.

[lifetime fan]

She’s bought the boys advent calendars! 

[Harry Squatter]

[sir roger]

We were working in the garden yesterday and the Mrs says to me this morning

Did you leave a chisel on the window ledge outside the kitchen yesterday ?

Might have done, says I , what about it ?

 Any burglars could have used it to get in the house 

Not going to last very long in that game if they are relying on people to leave chisels out for them are they, says I.

Not speaking to me now.

[Trumo]

1 hour ago, sir roger said:

We were working in the garden yesterday and the Mrs says to me this morning

Did you leave a chisel on the window ledge outside the kitchen yesterday ?

Might have done, says I , what about it ?

 Any burglars could have used it to get in the house 

Not going to last very long in that game if they are relying on people to leave chisels out for them are they, says I.

Not speaking to me now.

 

You keep chipping away.

[Bjornebye]

She's on a health kick and trying to drink loads of water through the day. Just walked in the kitchen and she went "If I put cordial in it still counts as water doesn't it?" 

 

"No the water jumps out as you pour the cordial in" 

[Bruce Spanner]

I stare in disbelief at those ‘you can do it’ water bottles.

 

Drink water you fucking child. It’s not difficult.

[Paulie Dangerously]

We're on course for a lockdown divorve if she keeps leaving the toaster on its lowest setting. She doesn't like anything to be over toasted. I honestly shudder when I hear my bread pop after a length of time, I know in my heart, won't have sufficiently toasted my bread and have to do it again. Gonna bin the fucking thing so we have to use the grill 

[Bjornebye]

10 minutes ago, Paulie Dangerously said:

We're on course for a lockdown divorve if she keeps leaving the toaster on its lowest setting. She doesn't like anything to be over toasted. I honestly shudder when I hear my bread pop after a length of time, I know in my heart, won't have sufficiently toasted my bread and have to do it again. Gonna bin the fucking thing so we have to use the grill 

Pisses me off that. Toasters should have one setting. "DONE". 

[Jarvinja Ilnow]

On 06/05/2020 at 12:07, Geoff Woade said:

Does it work in anyone else’s house where if she wants something but is in another room, she asks but you can’t hear clearly so ask them to say it louder, then barely audibly you hear murmurs back so then have the option of A - just leaving it, which results in her marching through with a face on demanding to know why she’s been ignored, B - asking her to say it again louder, which results in her screaming at you for either not paying attention, winding her up or being a deaf prick. Or C - having to go to where she is and asking again, whilst being careful that she can in no way sense any hint of annoyance or exasperation as that would make you a bellend?

 

What she wanted will then be something pointless anyway such as to tell you about something on a shit tv show or to moan about someone you don’t know.

 

But when you want something and she doesn’t hear first time you know you have to go to where she is as otherwise it’ll be your fault for mumbling or placing unrealistic expectations that she should hear you from a distance. 

Often involves getting up or down the stairs before she mumbleshouts, and then having to retrace my steps.

[Captain Turdseye]

Mrs Turdseye ordered some expensive face moisturiser from America and it arrived yesterday. She put it on before bed last night and woke up this morning looking like Bear Grylls that time some bees stung him in the face. 
 

 

She’s not impressed by me singing the Joleon Lescott elephant man song as I’m pottering around the house. I’m taking the girls for a picnic in a minute so I’ve just shouted up to the boy that he needs to keep an eye on his mum to make sure she doesn’t accidentally kill any snakes and use their skin as makeshift water bottles for her own piss. 

[Special K]

4 hours ago, Captain Turdseye said:

Mrs Turdseye ordered some expensive face moisturiser from America and it arrived yesterday. She put it on before bed last night and woke up this morning looking like Bear Grylls that time some bees stung him in the face. 
 

 

She’s not impressed by me singing the Joleon Lescott elephant man song as I’m pottering around the house. I’m taking the girls for a picnic in a minute so I’ve just shouted up to the boy that he needs to keep an eye on his mum to make sure she doesn’t accidentally kill any snakes and use their skin as makeshift water bottles for her own piss. 

That sounds like she's in anaphylactic shock. Is she ok?