The world of a woman.

[lifetime fan]

Not sure if I've mentioned this on here before, a bird I knew was vegi and had been cooking with Worcestershire sauce for years. 

[Dr Arthur De Sabre]

Her: Dan, who’s Freddie Mercury?

Me: oh fuck off

Her: Dan, why do I have to wear this muzzy and white vest whenever I give you a blow job?

[General Dryness]

Her: Dan, why do I have to wear this muzzy and white vest whenever I give you a blow job?

Dan : Its a kind of magic.

[Dr Arthur De Sabre]

Dan : Its a kind of magic.

Gold man (not anti-semitic)

[VladimirIlyich]

Yer missus is yer Mum? Proper Runcorn then Vlad!

Its the personality disorder.

[Rico1304]

It’s our wedding anniversary on Tuesday, I’ve bought the wife a handbag she’s been looking at all year. My plan was to nip to Manchester this afternoon and collect it whilst she’s taken Izzy to a party. They left 5 mins ago so I phoned to make sure it’s there and put my coat on. The wife comes back home as she’s forgotten something to find me in the hall in my coat. “Oh, going the pub are you?” I had to say I was popping to my mums so have been given a shopping list too. So now I’m in the bad books as she doesn’t believe me and I’ve got to go the fucking supermarket.

[lifetime fan]

It’s our wedding anniversary on Tuesday, I’ve bought the wife a handbag she’s been looking at all year. My plan was to nip to Manchester this afternoon and collect it whilst she’s taken Izzy to a party. They left 5 mins ago so I phoned to make sure it’s there and put my coat on. The wife comes back home as she’s forgotten something to find me in the hall in my coat. “Oh, going the pub are you?” I had to say I was popping to my mums so have been given a shopping list too. So now I’m in the bad books as she doesn’t believe me and I’ve got to go the fucking supermarket.

 

 

If you're in the bad books might as well go for a pint now mate.

[tokyojoe]

If you're in the bad books might as well go for a pint now mate.

Sound advice.

[TheBitch]

Agree with lifetime fan 100%

[Rico1304]

I’m in the pub now.

[dandyman]

I’m in the pub now.

With a woman’s handbag!!!

 

Nice!!

[Rico1304]

She’s just asked me to upstairs and sort Hive out. Messed about with the battery and it’s working now. She wants the heating on - it’s 22.6 degrees.

[Trumo]

She’s just asked me to upstairs and sort Hive out. Messed about with the battery and it’s working now. She wants the heating on - it’s 22.6 degrees.

 

Is it too late to swap the handbag for a blanket?

[littletedwest]

Why do they always wait til you're relaxed before they find yet another job for you?

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

Because the happiness they derive from giving orders is directly proportional to the relaxation they steal from giving said orders.

[ZonkoVille77]

Why do they always wait til you're relaxed before they find yet another job for you?

They are big head melting bastards.

[littletedwest]

"These things need doing" yeah but why do you only remember at night when I'm relaxing on the couch?

[TheBitch]

I'm in work and had the "I'm cold" message come through earlier.

 

"Don't worry though, I won't put the heating on"

 

I'm not worried in the slightest dear, the thermostat is disconnected from April until October and won't be reconnected a second before.

[Harry Squatter]

I'm in work all day and she's off but at 10.30 when I'm sitting off after the gym or relaxing she starts moaning saying there's loads of stuff that needs doing round the house.

[cloggypop]

"These things need doing" yeah but why do you only remember at night when I'm relaxing on the couch?

Mañana

[Dr Arthur De Sabre]

With a woman’s handbag!!!

 

Nice!!

It’s alright, he’s got a G&T, and with his hand bag on his arm tells anyone who stares “This lady is not for turning”. De rigeur in Wilmslow.

[niallers]

I painted our new built house from top to bottom on my own, whilst doing 12 hour shifts at work. I have since repainted every room, including the cuntingly awkward stairs at least 4 times each. I've painted the outside. I've put wooden floors down in each bedroom.

Before Xmas, I put a continuous wooden floor down in the entire downstairs, including the newly built extension. I don't mind doing the work,

However, 3to4 times a week,all I get is that I do nothing around the house and she goes off on one!

I don't know how she's survived this long. They're all fucking rage inducing psychopaths.

[lifetime fan]

Think I might have posted this before.

 

A mate paid for his wife and kids to go abroad on holiday as he was going to be replacing the kitchen.

 

When she got home she started moaning straight away there were pizza boxes and beer cans in the recycling boxes, the fact he didn’t have a fucking kitchen for 3 days was obviously lost on her.

 

What really took the piss was when she kicked off he’d bought a bottle of washing up liquid that didn’t match the new colour scheme.

 

Cunt. We had a great party when his divorce came through.

[Rico1304]

I’m officially in the good books.

 

Lucky, as I’m out in Leeds on Thursday and then off to Southend for a cricket tour on Friday.

[Alan Sex]

Because the happiness they derive from giving orders is directly proportional to the relaxation they steal from giving said orders.