The world of a woman.

[Paulie Dangerously]

My sister used to work in a pub in central London and such was the location, you'd occassionally get the odd famous person in there having a bev. Anyway, this one afternoon when the place is quiet, this familiar-looking grey haired old fella pops in for a drink. My sister serves him and doesn't clock who he is straight away; it only registering that she's seen in him a couple of films after he's toddled off to a table with his pint and pulled out a newspaper to have a peek at. Recognising, my sister gets a bit star struck and points him out to one of the lads she's in there with. My sister grabs a broom from behind the bar as if it's a staff and asks the lad, "Do you reckon he'd appreciate it if I did this in front of him?" before giving it Gandalf's 'YOU SHALL NOT PASS' spiel from LOTR while striking the end down on the floor.

 

The other lad in the pub takes another look over at the fella at the table completely oblivious to this, engrossed in his paper and then turns back to my sister: "I very much doubt it because that's John Hurt."

Oh god why did he stop her?!?!

[Scottish Steve]

I was waiting in the car outside the co-op for my wife. After a bit she comes racing out looking all harassed and tells me she's had her purse stolen. Reckoned there was a dodgy guy in the queue behind her and he'd almost certainly snaffled it. He was nowhere to be seen so we sped home in the car where she cancelled her cards and then called the local plod. As the store had CCTV and my wife knew exactly when said incident had occurred the officer reckoned it'd be fairly straightforward to see if this random guy had in fact committed a crime. Half an hour later I'm in the garden and the police show up with the wife's purse. They'd located her on the CCTV straight away and watched, open-mouthed, as she'd approached a chilled counter, purse in hand and picked up a packet of roast beef which she stared at for an inordinate length of time. Moments later the beef ended up in the basket and the purse got wedged in alongside the other cold meats. Bastard thing was still freezing cold when the copper handed it to me with a massive grin.

[Dr Nowt]

A pearl, that. Superb.

[Harry Squatter]

Back from a stag weekend yesterday, the flight was delayed by about half an hour and we had to run to the station to catch our train. The second we were on the train one lad rang his kids ma to explain why he hasn't rang sooner (presumably he had said he'd ring to speak to the kids) due to the circumstances and she started giving him really nasty shit on the phone designed to instantly ruin his weekend.

 

Snakes with tits.

Classic woman behaviour. Knows he's had a good time so has to put a dampener on proceedings or make him feel guilty.

[matt1983]

Male colleague: "I've been signed off for a week with a bad back"

Female colleague: "is that because you're tall? You've got more of those...what do they call them..."

Me: " vertebrae?"

Her: " no that's like a snake. No, wait, that's an invertebrate"

Me: " a snake is a vertebrate. It has a spine"

Her: " no it doesn't, it's like a slug"

[Trumo]

Male colleague: "I've been signed off for a week with a bad back"

Female colleague: "is that because you're tall? You've got more of those...what do they call them..."

Me: " vertebrae?"

Her: " no that's like a snake. No, wait, that's an invertebrate"

Me: " a snake is a vertebrate. It has a spine"

Her: " no it doesn't, it's like a slug"

 

At some point in the next week, the female colleague will bitch to her mates and on social media about how people at work get time off and she's the last one to know. All because she'll think that neither the male colleague nor anybody else told her about his bad back and his need for a week off.

[manwiththestick]

I was waiting in the car outside the co-op for my wife. After a bit she comes racing out looking all harassed and tells me she's had her purse stolen. Reckoned there was a dodgy guy in the queue behind her and he'd almost certainly snaffled it. He was nowhere to be seen so we sped home in the car where she cancelled her cards and then called the local plod. As the store had CCTV and my wife knew exactly when said incident had occurred the officer reckoned it'd be fairly straightforward to see if this random guy had in fact committed a crime. Half an hour later I'm in the garden and the police show up with the wife's purse. They'd located her on the CCTV straight away and watched, open-mouthed, as she'd approached a chilled counter, purse in hand and picked up a packet of roast beef which she stared at for an inordinate length of time. Moments later the beef ended up in the basket and the purse got wedged in alongside the other cold meats. Bastard thing was still freezing cold when the copper handed it to me with a massive grin.

Fucking hell, close the thread this can't be beat and also tells us all we need to know about them.

[Rico1304]

My wife has lost her voice, to the point she's unable to croak out a sentence. She's phoned me 4 times today.

[Mook]

My wife has lost her voice, to the point she's unable to croak out a sentence. She's phoned me 4 times today.

Why do they do that? My boss will come in with a fucked voice and proceed to talk non-stop all day about nothing. Just when you think you're getting a break from it...

[Captain Turdseye]

My wife has lost her voice, to the point she's unable to croak out a sentence. She's phoned me 4 times today.

I got off with a deaf bird once while I was bladdered just before the pubs shut. She had cracking norks but we just had a snog outside and went our separate ways with our own groups of mates. Was lying on the couch at home the day after, hungover to fuck when I got a phone call. "Jooooh, dooo your wan a coom out wif ud?" After saying no four times and being asked the same question I just started repeating loud and clear to her "Why have you got a phone if you can't hear me?"

 

Eventually one of her mates come on the phone and asked me to meet them in the same boozer. Swerved it. She ended up getting with a lad I knocked around with as kids and she was a bad bunny boiler apparently.

[Karl_b]

Female 1: "I can't believe X was off last week with man flu and he's on holiday this week!"

 

Female 2: "I know, bloody man flu. Pathetic, I've had a cold for three weeks but you don't hear me complaining."

 

Male: "X was off because his wife was admitted to hospital."

 

Female 1: "Oh, but he's still pathetic when he has man flu."

[Harry Squatter]

Stupid cow has been moaning about me leaving doors open and letting the heat out of the living room saying it's going to cost us a fortune. Yep, the woman whose phone bill was £165 when she came back off holiday because she was showing off on Facebook, who always HAS to get her hair done before a night out and took 5 months to sort out a better house insurance deal lecturing me on saving money.

[General Dryness]

I got off with a deaf bird once while I was bladdered just before the pubs shut. She had cracking norks but we just had a snog outside and went our separate ways with our own groups of mates. Was lying on the couch at home the day after, hungover to fuck when I got a phone call. "Jooooh, dooo your wan a coom out wif ud?" After saying no four times and being asked the same question I just started repeating loud and clear to her "Why have got a phone if you can't hear me?"

 

Eventually one of her mates come on the phone and asked me to meet them in the same boozer. Swerved it. She ended up getting with a lad I knocked around with as kids and she was a bad bunny boiler apparently.

Outstanding.

[manwiththestick]

I got off with a deaf bird once while I was bladdered just before the pubs shut. She had cracking norks but we just had a snog outside and went our separate ways with our own groups of mates. Was lying on the couch at home the day after, hungover to fuck when I got a phone call. "Jooooh, dooo your wan a coom out wif ud?" After saying no four times and being asked the same question I just started repeating loud and clear to her "Why have you got a phone if you can't hear me?"

 

Eventually one of her mates come on the phone and asked me to meet them in the same boozer. Swerved it. She ended up getting with a lad I knocked around with as kids and she was a bad bunny boiler apparently.

Not in Runcorn was it?

[Captain Turdseye]

Not in Runcorn was it?

It was, yeah. The Masonic was the pub in question. Why?

[Dr Nowt]

Sounds like you nearly fucked Pam Doove from League of Gentlemen, CT.

[Captain Turdseye]

Waiting for Manwiththestick to reveal himself. Runcorn is a small place, already established today that VladimirIlych used to work with my great uncle. Maybe deaf bird had a brother and he's been hunting me down for years, eventually coming to realise that we've both been using the same f******l forum all along.

[Captain Turdseye]

Waiting for Manwiththestick to reveal himself. Runcorn is a small place, already established today that VladimirIlych used to work with my great uncle. Maybe deaf bird had a brother and he's been hunting me down for years, eventually coming to realise that we've both been using the same f******l forum all along.

 

 

He's gone offline, I'll be back soon lads, just gonna make sure all the doors and windows are locked.

[A Red]

Hes already got a stick

[General Dryness]

And apparently he's a man.

[Paulie Dangerously]

Watching this thing on C5 about the witch hunts she pipes up "I can't watch this it's disgusting I can't believe you're condoning this"

 

I said its history, it's already happened and it's just a dramatisation of what has happened and watching it doesn't mean I condone it.

 

"It's the same thing"

 

 

Mmmmkay

[General Dryness]

Burn her.

[manwiththestick]

He's gone offline, I'll be back soon lads, just gonna make sure all the doors and windows are locked.

 

Worry not. I used to frequent The Croft in the mid nineties and there was a deaf girl who used to go in there. Quite popular she was.

[Captain Turdseye]

Worry not. I used to frequent The Croft in the mid nineties and there was a deaf girl who used to go in there. Quite popular she was.

Was her surname Harrison by any chance? Different bird to the one I'm on about but pretty sure they're related in some way.

[manwiththestick]

Not sure. Don't remember her name, just remember her always having a different chap leading her into the woods at kick out time.