What constitutes the perfect cooked breakfast?

[Chip Butty]

10 hours ago, belarus said:

£8.95 - collected from a farm place nearby. Do your worst cunts, but it was quality.

 

7.5/10 - full point lost due to forgetting my black pudding and half a point for having a hash brown included. Hash browns are not meant to go on an English breakfast 

 

Few points from me that you may want to consider for next time:

 

The tomatoes look like they've given up.

The sausages look so bad that one of them feels so embarrassed it has tried snuggling up next to the abomination that is a potato based product on a breakfast plate, to get away from the rest of the sausages.

Simon Weston doppelganger Eggs.

A potato based product on a breakfast plate

Ponce cut on the toast

Fat, masquerading as bacon

 

 

All in all, the word moribund, springs to mind. 

 

 

 

 

[TheHowieLama]

Yep - when your sausage is spooning with a hash brown it is not a great start 

[Bjornebye]

I know we've established the mini sex toy on the keys but what sort of sex toy is that white thing ? I'm intrigued 

 

 

 

[Curly]

1 hour ago, Elite said:

Not sure that knuckle duster would do much damage. Strange choice of weapon.

 

30 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

I know we've established the mini sex toy on the keys but what sort of sex toy is that white thing ? I'm intrigued 

 

 

 

It’s a heat resistant thingio. For putting pans and trays on when they’re hot.

 

And for ramming up my arse, obviously.

[Bjornebye]

10 minutes ago, belarus said:

 

It’s a heat resistant thingio. For putting pans and trays on when they’re hot.

 

And for ramming up my arse, obviously.

Thank fuck for that 

[Elite]

1 hour ago, Bjornebye said:

Not seen that in ages. Superb 

Paul Kaye is one of my favourite celebs, great in everything.

[Bjornebye]

1 minute ago, Elite said:

Paul Kaye is one of my favourite celebs, great in everything.

He's @Dr Nowt 

[Elite]

1 minute ago, Bjornebye said:

He's @Dr Nowt 

What a man. Both of them.

[Tony Moanero]

5 hours ago, General Dryness said:

Can't get them down here in NZ either. Our chippies sell fuck all moist. No peas, no curry sauce, no gravy, no beans. 

 

Travesty.

A chippy is nothing without good gravy.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

On 31/10/2020 at 23:30, Bob Spunkmouse said:

A bloody nice ice cream!

Food looked top notch, but i'm not at all comfortable with grown men eating ice cream in restaurants.

[General Dryness]

40 minutes ago, Ezekiel 25:17 said:

Food looked top notch, but i'm not at all comfortable with grown men eating ice cream in restaurants.

It's ok as long as it has whipped cream and sparklers. And a free balloon.

[Bob]

2 hours ago, Ezekiel 25:17 said:

Food looked top notch, but i'm not at all comfortable with grown men eating ice cream in restaurants.

Ah, you see, here’s the clever bit. I bought my daughter a large double cone, and kept stealing bits off her. 

[Harry's Lad]

1 hour ago, Bob Spunkmouse said:

Ah, you see, here’s the clever bit. I bought my daughter a large double cone, and kept stealing bits off her. 

Fucking Indian giver.

I bet you took petrol money as well as the entrance fee didn't you!

[Bjornebye]

25 minutes ago, Harry's Lad said:

Fucking Indian giver.

I bet you took petrol money as well as the entrance fee didn't you!

He's the dad in that advert who takes the quid off the kid who takes the trolley back. 

[Bob]

Fucks sake, you lot.

 

Eat an ice cream: you’re suspect nonce

steal your kids ice cream: you’re a tight prick.

 

what’s the point in having kids if you can’t steal their ice cream? None, that’s the answer.

[Anubis]

22 hours ago, General Dryness said:

Can't get them down here in NZ either. Our chippies sell fuck all moist. No peas, no curry sauce, no gravy, no beans. 

 

Travesty.

Gap in the market. General Dryness’ Moist Munchies.

[General Dryness]

4 minutes ago, Anubis said:

Gap in the market. General Dryness’ Moist Munchies.

Could work. I've always liked the thought of doing something in the food industry. I did about a third of a chefs course a couple of years back before I realised that working 20 hours a day and getting shouted at by a complete arsehole whilst being paid buttons for the pleasure wasn't for me. I don't know how the fuck they do it, you must have to really love food. Like really really love it. 

[TheHowieLama]

[TheHowieLama]

[General Dryness]

[Curly]

New place. Takeout as lockdown. £10. 
 

Go and fuck yourselves.

[Bjornebye]

1 minute ago, belarus said:

New place. Takeout as lockdown. £10. 
 

Go and fuck yourselves.

If you gave that to a homeless person he’d tell you to go and fuck yourself 

[Numero Veinticinco]

The one time where it would make more sense to cut them into rectangles... ffs. 

[YorkshireRed]

59 minutes ago, belarus said:

New place. Takeout as lockdown. £10. 
 

Go and fuck yourselves.

Remember when you could help yourselves to free cardboard boxes from the Supermarket? Looks like that’s what’s been used to contain this breakfast. Hopefully the cost saving was passed on to the customer, meaning they paid you to eat this. 
 

Note: I see it actually cost £10. I’ll need to have a lie down after I’ve finished my review. 
 

The eggs remind me of a fit bird and her ugly mate. No doubt I’d be stuck with the minger talking about indie music while my mate was getting noshed off in the bushes by the sexy looking one. 
 

Beans in two pots seems excessive. If they haven’t got a pot big enough to house a full portion of beans then I question their competence in the breakfast making industry. 
 

Much like wearing sandals with socks, triangular toast is never ok. 
 

Hash browns look ok although it looks as though someone has had a sneaky bite from one of them. If this was Mrs. Belarus, fair enough. She’s earned a sliver of fried potato I’m sure. 
 

No issues with the rest of it, mainly because I’m hungry and would currently eat any old shit. 

[Dougie Do'ins]

1 hour ago, belarus said:

New place. Takeout as lockdown. £10. 
 

Go and fuck yourselves.

Is that two breakfasts in one box ?

Where from ?

Did it come with a drink ?

 

Regardless. The hash browns look like something or someone has been nibbling at them.

The sausages look like those chippy ones that have been deep fried,

The eggs look like they were cooked at different time of the day.

Where's the bacon ?

The mushrooms and black pud look ok.

The toast would have passed too had they not committed the ultimate sin on it.