What constitutes the perfect cooked breakfast?

[Bjornebye]

5 minutes ago, belarus said:

Me. It was a solid scran that. 

You are a liar. I knew I'd seen that before. Its a picture off Crime Files. Jeffrey Dhamer asked for that as his last meal before he was electrocuted 

[Jarvinja Ilnow]

1 hour ago, Bjornebye said:

Oh for fuck sake. Talk about ruining my weekend you cunt. 

 

Lets take it from the top.

 

3 coats of Valspan on thin bread isn't really the norm for a breakfast but compared to the rest of this stuff its nowhere near the worst addition. 

 

A whole tin of devil droppings in a dog bowl on top of a pixelated table mat which we can only assume is a recent picture of Maddie in the buff (or worse, Maggie) 

 

The plate looks like it was left on the floor while you painted your ceiling black 

 

The eggs are overcooked which explains why you jumped on them before you put them on your plate

 

 Tomatoes are ideal for a fry-up but a particular kind. Not the kind you have got your slave to pick off next doors fucking tree then made him piss on from a height of I'd say about 8 feet. 

 

 The mushrooms are about the only edible looking thing in this snuff version of modern art

 

 They aren't sausages. They are two perfectly formed turds after a night on the real ale. One has snapped off at source and we can only assume its still hanging out of your arse as I type. 

 

 Are they fish cakes or scallops? Either way it looks like while you were trying to find your nonce camera a pigeon has flown in to have a nibble and has spat it back on the plate and fucked off before you got back. 

 

 The tip of the knife looks burned which I can only assume is something to do with being a junkie which goes 8% of the way to explaining the whole scenario I guess. 

 

 You robbed the fork from my primary school canteen or a prison. 

 

1/2 a point for the mushrooms leaving you with a final score of -322.5/10 

A good post in full.

[Jarvinja Ilnow]

31 minutes ago, belarus said:

Brutal this. 

 

For what it’s worth, the eggs were bob fucking on, so you can stick that in your boyfriend’s crack pipe and smoke it.

 

I can’t believe it’s been classed as the worst on here. I should be absolutely apoplectic here. Disgraceful comments. If Lifey or Ardja belittle it I may never make a brekkie again.

You could tell aRdja it cost you £15.80 at Cafe Ned Smanks, at Tosser's Lane in Hackney, and you might get away with it, but when Lifey sees that toast you are fucked.

[Curly]

4 minutes ago, Jarvinja Ilnow said:

You could tell aRdja it cost you £15.80 at Cafe Ned Smanks, at Tosser's Lane in Hackney, and you might get away with it, but when Lifey sees that toast you are fucked.

Hahaha

[Pureblood]

3 hours ago, belarus said:

Right, my first ever entry on here. It’s a homemade job for me and Mrs belarus. I’m a pro beaner, but like to get them when I want them, not have them swarming my plate. Let’s have your worst you bunch of cunts...

 

 

Sadness in its eyes.

 

[KMD7]

3 hours ago, cloggypop said:

No bacon, fishcakes, margarine on stale white bread, cherry tomatoes, broken yolk. Takes up half a table with plates and bowl. It's only the beans that save it. 

 

-2/10

 

 

Generous there Cloggy.

 

Is that margarine spread on the warmed up bread there?

- infinity/10

[moof]

A bowl of beans? Get them on the plate you pussy 

[Bjornebye]

6 minutes ago, KMD7 said:

Generous there Cloggy.

 

Is that margarine spread on the warmed up bread there?

- infinity/10

Its matt emulsion 

[Curly]

Ok, admittedly the toast looks bad and it had cooled down longer than it should. Call me a weirdo, but I actually prefer it like that than hot and melted with a breakfast. Hot and melted with a brew and all other things though.

 

And that’s half a tin of beans - it would completely overtake the plate. I ate them all like and stand by my despising to separate.

 

Still can’t believe Stig went at my eggs - they were unbeatable.

[Remmie]

Those eggs look like they've been chucked in the bottom of a welly and then worn during a meatloaf set. The mushrooms are drier than the surface of the sun, the bread looks like it's been painted with phlegm and stuck in the freezer, the plate has been pebble dashed by a piss head power sharting last night's vindaloo and meths. You're right to be ashamed of your beans and I don't know much about rostis but if they are an alternative to hash browns that's like getting pissed on by Gary Glitter rather than Jimmy Saville. Did you cook the tomatoes with a hair dryer? 

 

Would probably eat the veggie sausages and place mat, 3/406

[Captain Turdseye]

1 hour ago, belarus said:

Ok, admittedly the toast looks bad and it had cooled down longer than it should. Call me a weirdo, but I actually prefer it like that than hot and melted with a breakfast. Hot and melted with a brew and all other things though.

 

And that’s half a tin of beans - it would completely overtake the plate. I ate them all like and stand by my despising to separate.

 

Still can’t believe Stig went at my eggs - they were unbeatable.

 

The fuck? I assumed that was just buttered bread. Your toaster is fucked mate. 

[Tony Moanero]

21 minutes ago, Captain Turdseye said:

 

The fuck? I assumed that was just buttered bread. Your toaster is fucked mate. 

It’s worse than Blog Blert’s.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

1 hour ago, Captain Turdseye said:

 

The fuck? I assumed that was just buttered bread. Your toaster is fucked mate. 

Who ya gonna call? Call LIFEY

[Bjornebye]

7 minutes ago, rotoq said:

Who ya gonna call? Call LIFEY

[Nunavut Patrick]

The sausages look drier than a Mongol camel in the Gobi Desert.

 

[Bjornebye]

1 minute ago, Nunavut Patrick said:

The sausages look drier than a Mongol camel in the Gobi Desert.

 

They (I say they but what we all know is that they are two perfectly formed arse snakes) caught some of the blow from the hairdryer he cooked the rest of it with. 

[Nunavut Patrick]

We may be judging the toast harshly. Belarus is notorious for dodgy electricty and the toaster may have blown the power grid 15 seconds in.

 

Pretty sure toaster over use caused Chernobyl.

 

[Anubis]

18 hours ago, belarus said:

Let’s have your worst you bunch of cunts...

 

Part of the fish cake has broken off at the bottom, and like The Thing, is on it's way to infect and replicate other living organisms.

 

 

[Fugitive]

21 hours ago, belarus said:

Right, my first ever entry on here. It’s a homemade job for me and Mrs belarus. I’m a pro beaner, but like to get them when I want them, not have them swarming my plate. Let’s have your worst you bunch of cunts...

 

 

Fucking hell!!! I can’t believe you actually gave that to your Mrs. It’s so bad, it could be classed as domestic abuse.

 

I hate you.

[Curly]

2 hours ago, Fugitive said:

Fucking hell!!! I can’t believe you actually gave that to your Mrs. It’s so bad, it could be classed as domestic abuse.

 

I hate you.

Haha. I saw the notification that you had responded and I clicked on it with one eye shut.

[Bjornebye]

36 minutes ago, belarus said:

Haha. I saw the notification that you had responded and I clicked on it with one eye shut.

Is that because your missus gave you a black eye for serving her hell on a plate ? 

[Curly]

26 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

Is that because your missus gave you a black eye for serving her hell on a plate ? 

Haha. She absolutely loved it.

 

I read all the replies out to her off here and she got dead defensive and kept asking why I go on this site if everyone is so “mean”.

[Bjornebye]

21 minutes ago, belarus said:

Haha. She absolutely loved it.

 

I read all the replies out to her off here and she got dead defensive and kept asking why I go on this site if everyone is so “mean”.

Fuge hates her as well 

[Curly]

16 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

Fuge hates her as well 

Fuge is a pussy cat compared to her

[General Dryness]

1 hour ago, belarus said:

Haha. I saw the notification that you had responded and I clicked on it with one eye shut.

Looks like you cooked it with both eyes shut.